The Web Planet 4 – Crater of Needles
Ian and Miss Menoptra survived their rather small tumble, but find themselves surrounded. And with no further fanfare, we finally get to see the (dum dum dummmmm) Crater of Needles! And, well…it’s a big crater with a few pointy needle-ish rocks in it. There’s also what I guess is supposed to be a huge spider cobweb across the middle of it. It looks like they’ve just put up the nets for a spot of tennis.
Menoptra shuffle to and fro, while Barbara complains about her breathing and eyesight. “Everything seems to flare when I look at it." That could be useful. A Menoptra with a silly voice (and that’s saying something) tells her it’s just the atmosphere and she must rrrrrrrrrrrrest. Sensitively, she asks him if his wings have healed, as he stands there with two tiny shreds of wing clearly left on his back. Yeah, better than ever! Distraught at being unable to fly again, the Menoptra tries out a few fey hand motions for our entertainment. All this rather aimless work they’re doing in the (dum dum…oh, it wasn’t really worth it, was it?) Crater of (no) Needles is to provide food for the organic structure where the Animus lives. I keep missing the name so I had to look it up again; it’s called ‘the Khazenome’. As I mull over several ‘khazi’ jokes, the Menoptra gives Barbara practically the same exposition Ian received in the previous episode, but adds that they have developed a secret untested weapon to overcome the Animus – an isotope. I do hope that’s stable. There’s nothing quite like accidentally blowing your face off with an unstable isotope for ruining the day.
Back in the Khazenome, Vicki is wondering why they don’t use the spider specimen to scare off the Zarbi so they can escape. Nono, says the Doctor, it’ll be much more valuable later when Ian & Barbara are back. Don’t use it. Nope. No need at all. Totally unnecessary. A Zarbi scampers up to Vicky with a harness, and the Doctor shrieks “Use the spider, child!” Honestly, old people, eh? Not that Vicki is much better, as she dithers and runs about like a headless chicken and promptly gets the harness shoved over her head again. And Zombie Vicki is truly a sight to see, as she lolls her head back, holds her arms against her chest and lets her wrists go limp. By God, she’s turning into Emo Phillips before my very eyes.
Zombie Vicki is truly a sight to see, as she lolls her head back, holds her arms against her chest and lets her wrists go limp. By God, she’s turning into Emo Phillips before my very eyes.
Down comes the salon tube again. Might I just say, what on earth is the point of such a device? Just have the Animus use telepathic communication, it’s a piece to cake to have the actor stand there with a faraway look in their eye or a hand rubbing their temple or some such bit of business. And as for the practicality in terms of the actual story, does the Animus have hundreds of these conveniently human head-sized tubes all over the various ceilings to lower down? Much oddness.
The Animus threatens to kill Vicki, repeatedly in fact, and the Doctor reveals the snippet that the Menoptra have landed on the planet Pictos and will be heading for Vortis very soon. He tries to buy time to find the exact landing zone, and after must effort gets Zombie Vicki released from the harness. He tells her to hide the recorder, go get his walking stick from the TARDIS, and put his slippers in front of the fire. Zarbi scurry about in preparation for the Menoptra, and back at the Crater we see Barbara and her moth chums getting shoved over just for the hell of it.
Time to catch up with Ian and Miss Menoptra. And, well…I guess everyone has their limits. While other reviewers here have been driven insane by the time they reached part 2, I’ve blithely made my way through giant ants and giant moths and smudgy cameras and endless Zarbi chirping without a hitch. Hey, I’ve seen The Invasion of Time. Twice. This holds no terrors for me. But here’s the point where I just break out laughing as Ian and Miss Menoptra are menaced by hopping grubs with silly-string hair. They grunt, they hop, they look ridiculous and I’m massively entertained. One of them gets Ian to stand in front of a pool of liquid, and then bumps him on the ass, making him fall forward and dunk his hands into the pool. Priceless. It’s like glue, sticking his hands together. Beats handcuffs I guess. They repeat this for Miss Menoptra, one hefty pelvic thrust to the ass later and she too gets her hands glued together.
But better yet is to come. Up hops what seems to be their leader, his silly-string hair making him look like a Rasta, and sounding like Mungo from Blazing Saddles he informs them that "We know, that from the roof, comes...hate! The liquiiiiiiiiiiiid...death! Creeeping destroyer of weeee...Optera." And he rolls his head about. Sheer brilliance. So these are the Optera. I bet they have the Daleks quaking in their polycarbide. It’s all jolty head movements, bad accent and staccato delivery, and I want a plushie Optera right this instant. Rasta Grub says they will consult the ‘chasm of light’. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
It’s a hive (ah-ha!) of activity back in the Crater of Needles. The Menoptra think it must mean the landing force is coming, and bicker about who’s to blame for the Zarbi knowing this. Amidst much waving of hands, they point the finger at the Doctor, much to Barbara’s discomfort. Oh, and by the way, the force is armed with useless weapons. Their electron guns won’t work against the Zarbi. These idiots really did their homework, didn’t they? “We don’t know if your guns will work, and this isotope might not either, so keep your wings crossed lads!” They planned, in the loosest possible definition of the word, to attack the Animus by sheer force of numbers as a suicide mission. Field-Marshall Haig would’ve loved this bunch. They need to get to the plateau near the Crater where the force will landing, and warn them. Only problem is the Venom Grub, uh, ‘larvae gun’ up there. One of the Menoptra says he’ll take care of it.
They planned, in the loosest possible definition of the word, to attack the Animus by sheer force of numbers as a suicide mission. Field-Marshall Haig would’ve loved this bunch.
As Vicki waves the spider box about to spook the Zarbi away, the Doctor is using his walking stick to scoop the harness over to the astral map equipment. Remembering how Ian’s pen went walkabout, he theorizes that the force must interact with gold to control things. Now, how to neutralize it? "That is the q....question, isn't it?" For a moment I thought he flubbed another line, but instead he’s staring intently at his super special ring. Or maybe both.
Now here’s the larvae gun in the Crater, a Zarbi nearby. A Menoptra starts making Zarbi noises, and when it comes over to look, chucks a rock at it. And here we go, as two Menoptra attack the Zarbi to the hollow sounds of wood-on-wood, while Barbara and the third Menoptra appear to be giving the larvae gun the bumps in the background. Finally the Zarbi is knocked on its side, and a Menoptra stabs it with his stick. Full of blood lust, he rushes over to the larvae gun, picks it up bodily (!) and runs full-pelt into a wall with it. Splat! FATALITY! That was certainly a memorable fight scene, if for the wrong reasons, especially with the avant-garde bloopy music in the background. Off they run, the female Menoptra in particular so keen to depart this silly scene that she drops the accent completely. "Well come on then, quickly!"
Meanwhile, the Doctor is ready to try a little experiment with the harness hooked up to his astral map. With a burst of sparks and a small explosion, it looks like he’s screwed up royally but no, he’s giggling away merrily so I guess it worked after all. Unfortunately this gets the attention of a Zarbi, which attack Vicki while the Doctor gets stuck under the pointless salon helmet again to talk to the Animus. It takes so long to come down he could just dodge it, which is another black mark against the useless thing, but hey-ho. He tries to bluff once again but finally the Animus isn’t buying it. He says the equipment is broken, and holds up the communicator circuit as an example. As luck would have it, at that exact moment the Menoptra Invasion Fleet begin reporting through their landing destination, co-ordinates, and all that juicy stuff the Animus wanted. D’oh! The Doctor’s face is a picture, that’s blown it. In short order, both the Doctor and Vicki end up in harnesses and are under the Animus’s control. He got far too cocky there, he was just asking for the hand of fate to slap him upside the head.
Barbara and friends shuffle about the plateau. They’re worried about the approaching Zarbi, and think the Doctor has indeed betrayed them. They don’t know the daft old bugger has just put his foot in it.
Back to Ian, Miss Menoptra, and their happy hoppy Optera grubs. They’re paranoid and think they are invaders from up above. Blah blah Menoptra are our Gods blah blah we need your help blah blah Optera are what Menoptra become when they stay below ground all the time. One quick flash of her wings later, Miss Menoptra has them all highly impressed and bowing to her. Fortunately for Ian, I guess it is in her programming to impersonate a deity.
It’s the plateau again, but hey, here comes a Menoptra swooping in. He exchanges code words with Barbara’s group, looks like he’s the leader. They give him the bad news about what happened to the scouting group and that the electron weapons are useless. Too late though, for here come the Zarbi! More Menoptra come flying in. It’s the Rumble in the Jungle, or maybe more like the Disco on the Plateau, as moths and ants dance about and gingerly exchange blows, trying not to wreck their outfits. There’s zapping, there’s flying, this is quite ambitious but the budget just can’t do it justice. All in Smear-O-Vision. The Menoptra pretty much get their asses handed to them, run away! Run away! Run away! But Babs and her three Menoptra buddies end up pressed against a rock face, as the Zarbi creep nearer…
It’s the Rumble in the Jungle, or maybe more like the Disco on the Plateau, as moths and ants dance about and gingerly exchange blows, trying not to wreck their outfits.
I love the absurd Optera, and the big fight scene at the end woke me up, but the padding is getting pretty obvious at this point and really needs a bigger injection of pace. Still, onwards and upwards to episode 5 – Invasion! Is that the one with the Cybermen or the dinosaurs…?