Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Squee... but with a strong sense of manly perspective

Jings! It's busy round here. First a competition (have you entered yet?) and now this... As promised we're back, for two last and final commentary podcasts*, with The Sound of Drums.

Topics up for discussion include: the The Frankie Howerd Book of Acting Ability, the party tricks of Rasillon's seal, bespoke gas dispensers for the megalomaniac who has everything, drummer wanted adverts in the NME, fondue... yes... yes... fondue and being Gold Usher.

It's available from all the usual places... Comments, as ever, welcome on this thread.

*the management reserves the right to make all sorts of promises that they might never ever keep, especially if Torchwood series 2 is as good as series 1.

Can you hear the drums, Fernando?

The Sound of Drums

Here's a Pixley Archive hypothesis for you, in the careful crafting of the season three climax, what came first? The Master's origin story and the fact that his mind snapped, like a pack of Garibaldis under the weight of Vanessa Feltz lunging toward the Fox's Chocolate Assortment, whilst gazing into the untempered schism (also known as any discussion on any Doctor Who forum/bulletin board/blog/toilet wall anywhere) or the thought that wouldn't it be good to use this dance track in Doctor Who, so lets work backwards so the fucking thing will fit.

"Mrs Saxon jigging around like a spastic eel on the end of a rusty nail."

Not only that, but lets top off the shitpile with Mrs Saxon jigging around like a spastic eel on the end of a rusty nail. Dancing that's not been seen outside of a 1997 Labour Party election party, you know, the one where Mandelson, Prescott and Kinnock were getting down on the dance floor. I say getting down, but you could tell that they'd tired of the dance scene some years previous.

"He [the Master] and a lute playing Kamelion teamed up to form a light skiffle combo."

Looking back, however, it all makes sense now. All those old Master stories where, for no perceptible reason, the man in black would strike the occasional pose after a brief flirtation with a rhythm: that Macarena jig he was seen doing as he was being man handled by Benton in Devil's End, the soft shoe shuffle he did creeping back into his TARDIS atop the receiver dish in the Pharos Project, even the missing two episodes of The King's Daemons where he and a lute playing Kamelion teamed up to form a light skiffle combo as an accompaniment to the constant Cozy Powell solo in his head.

"Gallifrey... The sky's a burnt orange, and when you shook the citadel it snowed."

The Master driven insane I can live with, anyone who's done as much as this character to survive in the past must have gone a little ga-ga over time. But to apparently model Saxon's identity on the life of Jeffrey Archer is the mark of a weapons grade mentalist. We find out that he was only resurrected by the Time Lords because they knew he would be the ideal weapon for a Time War. All that ponderous and sentimental guff the Doctor's locked mockney jaw pukes forth about Gallifrey, and all we see is a snow globe and some bloke in a neck brace (sorry, Gallifreyan collar). Ah yes, Gallifrey... The sky's a burnt orange, and when you shook the citadel it snowed. Hasn't anyone told him Gallifrey always looked like a cross between a defunct pizza restaurant chain and dentist's waiting room? Which forces me to pose the obvious question? Is Colin Meek writing all this twaddle? Incredible.

"Dum dum dum dum-dum-dum-dum."

And with the cloister bell banging away like a prozzie in a discount cock warehouse, the TARDIS turned into a "when this gauge goes into the red" peril generator and the Terrahawk Zeroids about to sue for copyright infringement we realise precisely where the drums are coming from. As a child Russell looked into the untempered schism of the Mysterons glowing circles and now all he can here is the constant sound of the Barry Gray orchestra in his head as the kettle drums go; "dum dum dum dum-dum-dum-dum".

Dum dum indeed.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Sound of Drums: originally the music featured in the show was going to be Gloria Estefan's Dr. Beat, thankfully even they realised this was going to be too outrageous.

2007, Fits the 11th, 12th, 13th: Third time IS the charmed, isn't it?

Yeah, ok, this was a bit of shit in places, I'll admit it.

But I'll staunchly stand by it.  I will.  In ALL THREE PARTS.

Year One, we had people muttering Bad Wolf under their breaths, in helicopter microphones, on posters no one was looking at, and in German on a falling bomb.  Yeah, we're going to read it there, right before we blow up. 

Year Two, we had the Torchwood death star, the Torchwood Coming Soon (sponsored by Queen Victoria), some space miners working for the Torchwood archives, and some very polite people applauding for the Doctor.

Year Three, we're given Saxon to chew on. But, I really feel, Saxon was a mislead.  Like the big announcement that John Simm was the Master, then having Derek Jakobi saying the iconic "I am the Master!", very nearly stealing Simm's thunder before he starts charging around the TARDIS, channelling a strange mix of Mark Hammill and Jack Nicholson, sans facepaint, but just as dangerously lunatic. But I'll get back to him.

Saxon was the biggest joke played on us this year.  We were so focussed on Saxon as a meme, when it was all right there in that video camera moment of John Simm smiling, almost looking like a photograph, before his head turns and his smile turns chilly.  I knew who and what Saxon was all about right there. Our REAL meme for this year, and one that few people seemed to have noticed (hell, I didn't notice it until just after I'd finished watching TLOTTL).

Russell.  I see what you were aiming for.  You very nearly got there.  Thank you for trying, seriously.  Each year I feel you're getting better and stronger with this, and please don't take this the same way, but write two less episodes next year.  Give Cornell or Moffat one more.  They deserve it.  Let lovely Helen write one more, granted hers were the weak spots this year, but I think she can do much much better if she's not given such a shopping list (ahem).

With that out of the way..

OH LOOK THE MASTER MADE HIM A CUTE LITTLE SUIT!! That had me in giggles.  I loved it. It's just the sort of thing a lunatic would do if he had a "grow your own Yoda" kit.

I mentioned themes.  I plan to explain that.  Out of every episode, there are a couple of themes that carry on through the rest of the episode to the end.

> Smith & Jones - Look it's Martha!
> The Shakespeare Code - Power of words
> Gridlock - The Face of Boe, You are not alone
> Daleks in Manhattan - I lose everything.. 
> Evolution of the Daleks - ..while they keep coming back
> The Lazarus Experiment - Age controlling technology.
> 42 - Sinister woman with Martha's mum.
> Human Nature - Chameleon Arch, Fob watch
> The Family of Blood - The price of being human, the Doctor's dark side
> Blink - This was just a nice break before the finale.
> Utopia - Professor Yana, the humans of the future, Utopia
> The Sound of Drums - The drums, Gallifrey, the Master, Toclafane, Lucy Saxon, Cloudbase/SHIELD Helicarrier/The Valiant, the Time Lords and much more

All leading into Last of the Time Lords. But wait, how'd we get here first?  Let's get stuck in:

So, three weeks ago, in one of the best opening scenes I've ever seen, we have Captain Jack doing drama!run towards the TARDIS at a speed I think I could muster barefoot on gravel, the Doctor looking suitably dodgy, and Martha being suitably disney-faced as she figures out yet another weird occurance in the world is the Doctor's fault. Queue iconic scene of Jack clinging to the TARDIS like Peter Parker's forgotten his outfit, triggering reams and reams of arguments that can be settled with two words: HAIR GEL. 

So. Futurekind.  I feel a little bit uncomfortable, but if I don't dwell on it, I can see it.  Slightly vampiric, hostile, savage humanoids.  That's not much of a stretch.  My favorite bit though, is hearing how humans have evolved through sentient gas clouds, downloads(!), and other forms before returning to humanoid bodies.  I'm sure these are at least more efficient than ours, considering I didn't see much in the way of food rations or toilets, and that one guy was outrunning, for quite some distance, the futurekind, so I'm guessing these physical forms are a bit more evolved than ours as well.

Chanto, by the way, is the hottest looking insect I've ever seen.  Yes please, with a can of Raid on the side. 

Now Professor Yana.  There's a character.  This guy was so well written and acted, I'm actually tempted to write a bit of fiction in the style of "From the Journal of Professor Yana." You can imagine so much of a history and backstory, brilliant and absent-minded, and everything we loved about the first few Doctors, down to making machine wiring out of food rations.  Brilliant.  Making it even more painful when we all realized just who he was.  I'm wondering though, to HIS memory, he was found as an infant on the shores of the Silver Devastation, but how long ago REALLY was the Master put through the Chameleon Arch?  I'm seeing a big plan here with the Face of Boe, having prior knowledge of future events, assists the Master in Arching, and introduces him to a trusted friend in Chanto, they then work together for some time, as he ages naturally as a human until the events of Utopia. 

The opening of The Sound of Drums has caused some cries of foul from viewers, but I'm letting that one go.  We knew Jack had a teleporter.  We knew the Doctor had the sonic screwdriver, we knew there was a sense of urgency to de-arse that area. It was a good way out, and I honestly didn't see any other way.

As mentioned in other places, the bulk of The Sound of Drums was some serious amount of fanwank, but wow it was fun.  To paraphrase the Doctor, fifty-seven fanfic authors just punched the air.  I hear those were the exact same Time Lord collars from Deadly Assassin.  That dome was gorgeous, and the fact that the Time Lords have a door into the Temporal Vortex just sitting on a beach somewhere is wonderful. I like that there was a black Time Lord in canon as well.  Makes me a little giddy, considering how much I enjoyed Don Warrington's turn as Big Finish's Rassilon.

I'll tackle the issue of pop music now.  Those songs are starting to grow on me.  I don't know if it's the memory of Doctor Who that they bring up, but they're a catchy couple of songs.  It helps that they are actually played in-story (or, as we're all so fond of saying now, diagetically).  They strike me as the sort of songs that would be played by a raving lunatic. 

Anyone notice though, how much Lucy Saxon seems to have changed over this last year?  She seemed rather expressive in Drums, but come Last of, she was sort of...empty. You have to wonder what he's done to her in the last year, why she's stumbling around barely speaking like a zombie, hollow-eyed and limp-armed. The timing of her shooting was odd, too.  Just when it looked like Simm's Master would survive, just when it seemed he'd be stuck in the TARDIS with the Doctor, Lucy shoots him, completely blank-faced and emotionless. There's something more there.  We're going to come back to this moment again, probably sometime in season 4 or 5. Especially considering the red-nailed fingertips picking up the Master's ring. I'll go on record with these two words: Female Master. 

I'm probably the only one, and I'll proudly say it, I loved the Yoda!Doctor.  I thought the CGI was wonderful, and it was a great touch how it still just managed to look like David Tennant, who truly has an iconic face.  And no one need make fun of the outfit.  Yes, we know that he didn't shrink the suit, it was there on the floor with the Yoda!Doctor.  The Master, being the aforementioned lunatic, is the type of guy to wheel his archnemesis around the room in a wheelchair, singing in his ear to too-loud pop music before careening him into a wall, is just the type of guy who, after shrinking him into a talking Yoda doll, would tailor an outfit for him.  After all, a Universe with a super-aged nude Doctor doesn't bear thinking about. It's only common decency, people..

Whew.  I've put it off long enough.  THAT scene. That rising from the dead, christ on a quidditch stick, Jean Grey on disco ball finale. As far as my famous psuedo-scientific explanations go, I can rationalize it.  I won't completely excuse it, but I'm going to throw Russell a dirty look while I explain what happened, from MY point of view.

*ahem* An arts & crafts store exploded on the bridge of the Valiant.  No really, ok I'll be serious now. It's all the Master's fault for setting up a worldwide network of telepathic satellites.  Back in series 2, Reinette tells us that "A door once opened, can be walked through in either direction." Those satellites opened a door that, once opened to influence the people of the world to first Vote Saxon, and later Fear the Master, was walked through by the people of the world.  I'm assuming the advanced LazLabs technology was used to build the satellites as well (c'mon, big place like that? Sure they wouldn't focus all their technologies in one insane basket..).  The Doctor spent the last year tuning his own limited telepathic abilities to that of the Archangel satellites, in effect hacking the satellites so that they'd do what he told them to, once control was wrested away by the people of the Earth.

Now, having said that, it's complete bollocks, because even without mind control being an issue, there's no way you can get a group of people over 12 or so to agree on the same issue. Can't be done. Not even with a suspension of reality.

Special mention goes to two points.  John Simm's unconcious imitation of the Doctor, when he realizes it's all gone horribly wrong, saying "Stoppit!" and "NO NO NO NO NO!!" in the EXACT same tone as Tennant.  If nothing else did the trick, that conveyed that sense of mirroring the two of them.  Second is the death scene.  Wow.  For those few moments alone, I can excuse anything else, up to and including the potteristic resurrection.  Tennant had me bawling as his Doctor realized that he'd just gotten a piece of his people back, only to have it spitefully die in his arms as he begged it not to.  Ouch that hurt. I'm almost afraid to watch it again, lest the waterworks flow again.

Coming (not terribly) soon: The Titanic crashes into the TARDIS.  I'm hoping that somehow, considering there was no water in the TARDIS, no water on the hull of the Titanic, and the fact that it CRASHED INTO THE INTERIOR OF THE SHIP, which is located in another dimension of sorts, this is some odd version of the Titanic floating around in a similar dimension to the interior of the TARDIS.  Could be another TARDIS.  Or, could be an excuse to have a certain big-eared former Time Lord make a cameo.  Wouldn't that be fun? Oh, and NO MORE SANTA ROBOTS!!

The Tachyon TV Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Last of the Time Lords: Throughout the entire three-part finale of the 2007 series, the entire population of the viewing audience was thinking one word, over and over again.  Ironically David Tennant summed it up at the end of the final episode: WHAT?? WHAT? WHAT??!?!

The sound of awful dance music...

Well, I signed up to post reviews a few weeks ago (Just before 42) and – although writing reviews in my head is very easy, it turn out that typing them for other people to see is a different kettle of fish (my review of 42 went on for pages, and everything I tried since sounds like I hated episodes when I didn’t)

That said, proper reviews go out of the window: here are a few random thoughts on "The Sound of Drums"

• Is it me, or did the episode seem long - I know it wasn’t actually any longer than normal, but (despite the fact I enjoyed it thoroughly) It felt like a full hour.
• Cliffhanger resolution from last week was the kind of cop out we’ve come to expect from nu-who (actually come to think of it – the cliffhanger resolutions were always a bit cop-outy in the old days too…)
• The arrest of Martha's family was great – police state as urban horror, all on a Saturday night ‘kids’ show…
• So, we’re expected to believe that Jack single handedly re-built Torchwood? – so does that make him in charge of the whole organisation?
• I liked Jack’s realisation that Martha fancies the doctor – combined with the admission to her that he does too, all wrapped up in a single "You too huh?".
• Rusty’s usual level of subtle political satire is evident "So America is completely in charge?" "Since Britain elected an ass – yes."
• Having transported them through time, Jack’s General Jimbo wristband then goes on to teleport out hero’s out of a tight spot – that thing beret get bloody smashed before Torchwood season 2, the last thing the NuWhoniverse needs is another one-size-fits-all-techno-plot-device.
• I could have lived without Captain Scarlet’s cloudbase.
• I really like Simms’ Master – not as traditionally threatening as previous incarnations, but he has that same unhinged quality that always made The Joker so bloody disturbing.
• If the Time Lords resurrected The Master – does that mean he’s now got a full set of regenerations?, and if he can be resurrected, then so can the Doctor – ladies and jelly-spoons, we have an answer to the "what happens after Doctor 13" dilemma.
• The Doctor is (we believe) on his tenth body, and approximately 900 years old. This means that each body lived to, on average, about 90 years; Why then will the 10^th physically age so much if he lives another 100 years? – it seems to me that the Master should have said "another thousand years", rather than “another hundred”.
• Speaking of the aged doctor - I did think during "The Family of Blood" that Tenant's ageing make-up looked awfully expensive for 30 seconds of screen time - seems they had another use for it.
• "If I told you, your hearts would break", I’ll lay even money that the Toclafane are somehow the children of Gallifrey (the ones who ran?).
• The master is a fan of anagrams, so I played with “Toclafane” – the best clue I could find is that they may turn out to be a load of shit (a "Faecal Ton" no less) – which I’m temped to say is a given in an RTD penned 2 parter…

Rough Traders

Peoples of the Universe, please attend carefully.
Except for you lot in the Traken Union - oh, and the Daleks ... and the Time Lords, of course. ..

After Utopia, I was wondering how The Sound of Drums could fail to be anything but an anticlimax. Now, I’m wondering how Last of the Time Lords can be anything but an anticlimax to Drums.

Well, it never rains but it pours, as they say, and the last two episodes of Who have been a veritable deluge. I lost count of the references to the original series in the end, but certainly remember the Logopolis paraphrase (loved that!). It was as though a dam had burst in RTD’s script writing, and all the stuff from way back was released in one hit. We even got recent: Torchwood references where scuttling about like ants in the sugar jar. Or in the paper bag of jelly babies. There were some nice little jabs there (“Now that sounds like Torchwood” and “Your little gang...”). There were some topical political jabs too. And if I’m not mistaken, this episode finally de-canonises that blasted 1996 TV Movie. Hooray! Unless, of course, you subscribe to the theory that that Mister Saxon is an anagram of “Master No. Six” (see also here). Who cares! Fantastic! There was so much stuff in this episode - multiple layers of fantastic Doctor Who stuff. And the use of the Rogue Traders’ song “Voodoo Child” was inspired (and that’s not because they’re an Oz band :)

Then there’s the Master’s companion creepy companion, brilliantly portrayed by Alexandra Moen. She appears to all intents to be another psychopath of the Master’s ilk. Not a nice piece of work at all. I could have sworn it was she who shouted out “Guards!” in a deep male voice, so maybe she’s not the Rani-in-hiding as I originally thought. The Wikipedia entry for Lucy Saxon describes her as “human”, but I’m really not so sure about that. A right pair of rough traders, she and the Master, at any rate.

I tried playing the anagram game with the “Toclafane”, but that hasn’t worked. Don’t think they’re Daleks or Cybermen that the Master has rescued from the Void either, somehow. Neither of the afore-mentioned has ever been heard to say “Pretty please” - or even “Please”, for that matter. Given that one of the “Toclafane” voices was Zoe Thorne, who voiced the Gelth in The Unquiet Dead, I now suspect that it’s them, especially as they’re pouring in through a rift. How that would make the Doctor’s hearts break, though, I’m not sure.

“The Sound of Drums” actually left me feeling emotionally upset, and I have been trying to work out why this last week. Maybe RTD had inserted a subliminal image to run through the entire show saying “You are getting upset, you are getting really upset...”, etc. Or got Murray to do it. There certainly seemed to be a variation on the “Doomsday” theme towards the end (where Martha scarpers ), albeit somewhat friskier. The overall effect of the whole was much greater than the sum of its parts (many of which were laugh-provoking) and I reached the end feeling shaken.

I have a premonition that someone - or more than one - is going to cop it in Last of the Time Lords: maybe the Master, maybe Martha and/or her family, and/or Jack becomes "re-mortalised" (if I can use such a word). Probably Martha, since I think she’s really good, and RTD is on record as saying “there’s no such thing as a happy ending”.

Vote Result: The Sound of Drums

Smashing all records, blah blah, more votes than ever, blah... 813 votes cast, the results are in for the ninth blog poll for The Sound of Drums:

• 84%: Superb – A Roll on the Drums
• 16%: Not Good – Or a Sandwich on the Piano

Come back after Last of the Time Lords for the final episode poll this season.

Oh dear, how are they going to get out of this one?

Well, I'm feeling a bit hopeless for our protagonists at the moment. Really, how will they get out of this one? Which is as it should be. There were a number of things I liked about this episode, a number of things I didn't (bloody effing Rogue Traders), and some things I didn't like but let slide cuz I understood why they had to be there.

Where to start? Well, the beginning seems as good a place as any. Did anyone else feel utterly dissatisfied about their convenient escape? We leave them at the end of the universe with no hope of escape, and then at the start of the next episode they're happily strolling around London. I thought the last shot of the Doctor in the previous episode was fantastic, and a great place to start the next episode; although maybe they were trying to downplay the obvious fact that it's a three-parter finale? Even still...I would have liked the episode to begin with the Doctor looking bloody useless for a little while longer before finally being chivvied round to help by Martha and Jack. But then, I don't write the scripts.

John Simm as the Master is pretty weird. I thought the manic hyperactivity was just regeneration energy, but no, his character really does consist of bouncing around like a child. Case in point: the cabinet meeting where he's pulling stupid faces. I really felt he was channelling Dr Evil from Austin Powers at the beginning of that meeting, with the "funny? little bit?" Perhaps he was. Anyway, he's a bit smoochy for a politician, isn't he? You'd expect a chaste kiss in front of the press, not a full on snog like he keeps giving his "wife". Speaking of, they've known each other about eighteen months, and she's married him already? Shows a good family can't necessarily give you common sense. I certainly wouldn't marry a creepily hyperactive bloke that I've only known for five minutes. Certainly not someone who thinks nothing of killing a nosey journalist in a most horrific way. What on earth were the Toclafane doing to her to make her scream so long? The president was dead in a second. I found that whole scene with opening the door to her still screaming and closing it again far too slapstick and silly.

The thing is though, I will accept John Simm's manic interpretation of the Master, because I know from what others have said that he works best when he is a reflection of the current Doctor, and that makes sense. So the childish silliness of John Simm's Master mirrors David Tennant's Doctor, and yes, it does work quite well. I think the Doctor was far less manic than he usually is, which really highlighted the character of the Master.

It is pleasing to realise why the government was keeping tabs on Martha's family, although I still want to know what Mama Jones was told dammit! I don't like secrets. It all got a bit Action Man this episode, what with explosions and car chase scenes. An interesting change, but not really in keeping with the tone of the series as a whole. Car chases just don't feel right in Doctor Who. It was a little bit too convenient that the bomb only just started beeping when the Doctor turned the TV around. It was a bit contrived, wasn't it?

I wasn't entirely satisfied with the reason given for the Doctor not sensing the Master in all that time, but then I'm not sure what explanation would have satisfied me, so I won't say anymore on that point. If the Master has been around for eighteen months, then surely some Saxon references should have popped up in season two? (I understand why they weren't...one season at a time and all that) His star began to rise after the fall of Harriet Jones, which we saw(-ish) at the end of the Christmas Invasion, so surely whenever Rose popped home during season two we should've seen at least a passing reference to him? Or actually...at Christmas (in the Runaway Bride) he was still Minister of Defence. How long does an electoral campaign take to get rolling? Is this even the same year? I had presumed that season three was set in 2007, but then again that giant air base in the sky dragged everything at least 50 years forward in my mind. Add to that the fact that Martha's only been gone four days, and you have all sorts of chronological confusion for me.

The last thing I'm going to complain about, which for me ruined a very dramatic and frightening moment, was the bloody effing Rogue Traders at that climactic point; the opening of the paradox and the invasion of the Toclafane (if that is their real name! Which we know it isn't). Who the hell's idea was that!?! It makes sense that the Master would play that, with his perverse sense of humour, but why not fade it out when we cut away from them and play some music with a dramatic kick? What a waste of a fantastic moment.

Now then, things I liked: the description of Gallifrey and actually showing it on screen! This was awe-inspiring for me, so I can only imagine how the long-time fans felt. And telling a little of the mythology too, giving a reason why the Master is as he is. Although given the adverse reaction Gallifreyan kiddiwinks seem to have to the schism, maybe it's not such a good idea to show it to eight year olds.

The look the Doctor gives Martha when she suggests that the Master is his secret brother: maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I swear he looks like she's struck somewhere near the truth; and his dismissal of the idea adds fuel to my theory. Maybe I am wrong, but as far as I know, it's never been confirmed exactly what their relationship is, has it?

I loved the Doctor's reaction to Jack's admission that he works for Torchwood; given what he lost because of it, his reaction was very fitting. But Jack's guff that he remodelled it in the Doctor's honour didn't seem to match up for me. A) the Doctor left him on Satellite Five, and B) did Jack even know about the Doctor's involvement in the Battle of Canary Wharf? Oh wait, hang on, he looked up Rose on the list of the dead. Sorry, ignore that. Speaking of Rose, the look that Jack and the Doctor shared just after Martha teleported out, to me looked like a shared thought: "Rose would have stayed." And it just draws up another comparison between them, particularly with the Doctor's earlier line "like when you fancy someone and they don't even know you exist." Wasn't that just the harshest thing to say ever? Poor Martha. Although if you will fall for men with emotional baggage, then you're going to get burned. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that coming up to the time of year when we said goodbye to Rose, it's interesting to see the way the new (can we still call her new? She's had pretty much a whole season now) companion deals with the whole end-of-the-world-in-the-season-finale scenario. Because when it came to it, Rose stayed and Martha left. We'll just see what happens in the final episode, where it looks as though Martha has become a bit of a soldier. Nice.

Finally (yes, I'm all in a weird order), the phone conversation between the Doctor and the Master was nicely played, along with a good explanation for the Master suddenly getting more regenerations (of course, the Time Lords resurrected him! Well, it's RTD, it's always going to be pretty contrived, isn't it?). Call me dirty-minded, but there was a little hint of phone-sex there, with the Master being all "pant pant, tell me how it felt." (I really hope that doesn't bring a rain of scorn on my head. Just my interpretation!) 

To conclude possibly the longest blog I've ever written, a few questions:

How was the Master intercepting Martha's phone call when he clearly had to get out his phone and connect it to speak to the Doctor?

Where was that picture of the Doctor used on the news actually taken?

Why was what the Master did to the Tardis cannibalism? I'd heard that Time Lords have a sort of connection with their Tardis, but I wasn't sure if that was entirely Canon.

Is it realistic for the Doctor to have aged that much when the Master pulled the genetic shimmy-shake on him? I thought that Time Lords would have aged more slowly than humans, but perhaps I'm wrong in that?

Answers on the back of a comment please.

The Sound Of Doors Slamming

Ten percent falls dead.
Great Britain is disrupted.
Sod the daffodils.

The Sound Of Drums

Verses from the Book of Russellon:

1. Through the millennia, the Time Lords of Gallifrey, protected from all threats from lesser series by their great ratings, led a life of peace and ordered spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, calm and spam. But calm was off.

2. But this was to change. Suddenly, and terribly, the Time Lords faced the most dangerous crisis in their long history. For the annihilation of Gallifrey was nothing as to ten years as an airport departure lounge, followed by sixteen in the wilderness and Dimensions In Time.

3. The ancient texts telleth of the three founders of Time Lord society; Newmega, who raised it from the dark ages of football results and Juke Box Jury, Russellon, who brought it back from extinction to usher into the modern age, and the mysterious third force known as the Other. But Lost had already crawled up its own orifice to die, so nobody took much notice.

4. And Russellon did gaze upon the enormity of his inheritence, and spoke unto the heavens, saying, "Let there be CGI. Let there be monsters and aliens, let there be costumes and make up and prosthetics, and let there be great sums of money to bring forth this imagination into reality." And he saw that it was good.

5. And then Russellon said, "Let there be a great Time War that will rip the world of Gallifrey asunder. Let there be the pathos of a lone survivor left to wander the galaxy in solitude." And he saw that it was a bold and visionary masterstroke that would keepeth the bloggers and TV pundits in column-inches for decades to come.

6. And then once more he commanded, "Let there be suburbia. Let there be domestic strife and dysfunctional families, and let there be Cardiff." And the populace didst shrug, knowing that two out of three was not bad.

"And destiny called unto the Master, commanding him to come forth and inherit the world. But in his quest for power he came first, and inherited a very old joke"

7. So for the turn of two seasons, the final days of the Time Lords lay shrouded in mysteries and half-truths, while the Daleks commanded the lion's share of the Time War, for there was much extra moolah to be made in toys and playsets.

8. Then on the dawn of the third season, Russellon didst decide upon the revelation of a further survivor of the Time War to the surprise of absolutely no-one. And thus was Harold Saxon born unto the world, who in truth was later revealed to be Derek Jacobi a week early.

9. And Russellon knew he must expand upon the known histories of Gallifrey, and also concoct an origin story worthy of the character's many conflicts with the Doctor through the eons. And he didst look at Lungbarrow, and saw that it containeth many secrets, and was intricate and complex and beloved by all whose eyes fell upon it. And he didst toss it out the window, saying stuff that, the kids are more down with Harry Potter instead. For Russellon did not hold with such nonsense as off-screen continuity, save for the superhuman works of Corn-El from the planet Krypton.

10. And so the boy Master was enrolled in the Academy, where public school prefects would give junior freshmen their first lemon swirly in the Time Vortex, and was driven insane and would wreak revenge upon the cosmos for ever afterwards for the torments of the Gallifreyan biscuit game.

11. And the time came when the Daleks did make war with the planet of Gallifrey, and the Time Lords didst resurrect the Master, whom they made into their agent and promised new regenerations, as the plan had obviously worked out so well for Borusa in The Five Doctors. And indeed the Master didst look upon the Time War and naturally proclaimeth, sod that for a game of Time Soldiers.

12. And he didst do a bunk to the ends of the universe, where he lived out many years as the human Professor Yana, as it was prophecised by the Face Of Boe on his deathbed. For Boe was a canny one who had conspired to expire before the Doctor could exclaim, "This maketh no sense, why couldst thou not warn me properly instead of this cryptic YANA shit if you obviously had a hand in it, thou great brown nob." For in cocking it all up hath the Doctor truthfully made Gridlock look even more stupid than it already was.

13. And the Master made to flee from Utopia in the TARDIS, whereupon the Doctor didst lock the coordinates in place for ever, thus leaving Russellon with a handy loophole from which to never inscribe any offworld stories ever again. For the Master didst arrive back on present day Earth, where he lay low for eighteen months and didst plot and scheme and play Time Crisis II a lot.

14. Then finally the day cometh when destiny called unto the Master, commanding him to come forth and inherit the world. But in his quest for power he came first, and inherited a very old joke. For the Master was apt to sieze dominion over all with the aid of Newmega's stellar manipulator, but alas the power was weak and the only stars it would attract were Sharon Osborne and McFly, and Ann Widdecombe who wouldst ally herself with the forces of darkness once more.

"For the Master and the Doctor were likened unto two sides of the same coin, as it was with Cesar Romero opposite Adam West"

15: And the Master spoke unto the peoples of the world, and didst enlighten them to all the wonders of the universe, which was Russellon's way of apologising for humanity's persistant blind ignorance being a complete crock of shit.

16. And the Master's web of entrapment didst also reach out toward the Doctor, who had followed him from Utopia with Martha Jones and Captain Jack. And the Master did channel the spirit of Jonathan Pryce, and didst prat about and call him names a lot, for the two were likened unto two sides of the same coin, as it was with Cesar Romero opposite Adam West, as it also was with the great Shakespearian Darrow, for the DVD of Timelash lay just around the corner.

17. And the Doctor didst run away and hide, leaving it unto Jack to summon the forces of the Torch of Wood in the hope that insanity could be defeated by insanity. But no help was forthcoming, for Grytpype-Thynne had commanded them to seek out the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas, which leaveth Jack looking a bit useless. But forsooth, for the Master had also drawn the ire of the President of the United States, who threatened to mobilise the forces of UNIT, who had decades more experience than the Torch of Wood in not being much cop.

18. But the Master had foreseen the plot against him, and had placed the TARDIS within Captain Scarlet's Cloudbase, and didst cannibalise the ancient time vehicle into the Faction Paradox Machine, which explaineth why Russellon's writing taketh such glee in contradicting itself and making as little sense as possible. And the Doctor didst fall into the the trap, and was aged prematurely from the soul-sucking recollections of Season Eighteen.

19. And the Master then slew the President and ushered in the day of Armageddon, evoking his speech to all the peoples of the universe while his wife evoked Ian Chesterton dancing in The Chase. And Mark Gatiss didst get into a huff, uttering "You bastard, why could I not do that with the transmitter in The Idiot's Lantern."

20. And lo, for the skies were split open and the fury of the Troclafane didst descend upon the world to smite the ten percent. But such was the mercy of Russellon that nonesuch contained anyone of importance or John Paul Green. And thus was the scene set for fifty more minutes of loud noise, misplaced comedy and hollow spectacle which the fans lappeth up but for all the wrong reasons.

Here endeth the lesson, as foretold by the scribe to John Williams.

Next week: Nobody's been allowed to see it. Fuck would I know?

The Bumper Book Of Made Up Facts has this to say about The Sound Of Drums: John Simm threatened not to throw a tantrum on set if RTD didn't get what he wanted with the script.

Toad

I had this dream a couple of weeks ago. In it, Paul McGann returned as the 8th Doctor in an anniversary special so special it was accompanied by no less than six different Radio Times covers. This special took place in the middle of the - wait for it - Time War and the last act hinged on a dilemma for the 10th Doctor. Thanks to some indefinable technobabble he could stop the war from happening, effectively erasing it from the timeline. The catch is he has to sacrifice his 9th and 10th incarnations to the dustbin of history in order to do this (his memory would only live on in the mind of Rose et al, who are cut off in an alternative universe, and who get a nice little cameo). After much soul searching, Tennant heroically gives himself up to something mystical and swirly created by the Mill (he gives a cheerful wink as he does it but the tears are clearly visible), and the 8th Doctor is left standing at the controls of the TARDIS as if nothing had ever happened. Jack is dumped in Cardiff with amnesia. Martha is still training to be a Doctor. Gallifrey is back in the heavens and the Daleks are hiding in their super massive flying saucers, plotting and scheming. The special ends with McGann's Doctor doing a runner from the Time Lords who want to prosecute him for breaking the laws of time (even though he saved their lives!) and I'm guessing that RTD hands over the reigns at that point (this act will later be known as the 'Holy Reboot') but I woke up before I could check OG for all the goss. In my dreams I have broadband.

'Ah, but it'll never happen', I sigh, as I stuff my bedsheets into the washing machine. But now... now I'm not so sure. I mean, how on earth (naturally) is Russell going to top this?

Imagine Delgado ramping up some Brotherhood of Man as the Sea Devils march on a Navy base...

In season 1 we got a Dalek Invasion of Earth - and a regeneration to boot! In season 2 we got Daleks bitch-slapping Cybermen served to us on a plate! And now we get he Master goofing out to Rogue Traders as the planet is invaded by a swarm of Star Wars torture droids! Pinch me, I'm dreaming! Paul McGann has to be next, surely?

I was initially disappointed by The Sound of Drums. I thought it was a disjointed mess hamstrung by a CBBC performance from John Simm that made me wince with embarrassment. I was not a happy camper and there's a draft review on my hard drive where I kick this episode around like a dead puppy, showing no mercy and risking the wrath of Julian Joolz. But I decided to give it another chance. The second time around I didn't feel quite so tense, mainly because I was prepared for all the bits that originally irked the hell out of me, and as a result I really liked it. In fact, I liked it a lot. I can't say that I'll ever clutch to my fan bosom like Blink, but if there's an episode of Doctor Who that demands a second viewing, it's this one.

Perhaps the Toclafane are Sontarans that the Master has shrunk with this TCE...

I get it now. Sure, the plot is still relentlessly ridiculous, and the science has the stench of Harry Potter all over it, but I actually get Simm's performance now. Part of the initial problem stemmed from the fact that the BBC had drip-fed us images of Simm looking all dark and/or sinister. These carefully chosen tidbits (no whacky thumbs up!) didn't prepare me for the unhinged lunacy that assaulted me on Saturday night. But there's more to Simm than meets the eye. I noticed that the Master is pretty damn cool when he's dealing with the important matters at hand and it's only when he's forced to deal with the stupid, puny humans that he engages in all that passive aggressive sarcasm that occasionally teeters on the edge of ham. If I focus on the contempt brimming beneath the surface in these scenes it suddenly works for me. And besides, even in his wilder moments Simm is still far more restrained than Eric Roberts ever was.

When the Master is dealing with the Doctor it's a completely different story. The mobile phone reunion is a definite highlight of the season so far; it crackled with raw emotion and it was played beautifully by Tennant and Simm. The moment where Simm initially greets the Doctor proves beyond doubt that Simm really is treating the part with respect, and I'm sorry that I ever doubted him. And speaking of shiver down the spine moments, I loved all the Gallifrey bits too; although it definitely implies that Delgaro and Pratt et al were all dancing to the beat of the Doctor Who theme tune. But I really can't knock these full-on snogs to the past. Er... Squee?

The episode also presents us with a classic old-skool utterly bonkers Master scheme. A dodgy alliance with an alien race (that will inevitably turn on him), hypnotism on a major scale, an elaborate disguise, a propensity for stealing UNIT vehicles, and the persistent implication that he's far more interested in humiliating the Doctor than he is in actually taking over the planet are all present and correct. Plus - for all the Ainley fans out there - his plan is insanely (and needlessly) complicated. For starters, why did he bother to gas the cabinet? How did the Master know that the Doctor would be watching Martha's telly at that very moment? Why did he try to kill the Doctor if his plan was to age him? As if aging the Doctor is going to stop him! Just shrink the bastard! By the way, the aging effect reminded me of the 1996 TV Movie (i.e it looked bloody awful) and Tennant as an old man looks like the cannibalistic grandfather from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And that can't be good.

It's so di-e-f**king-getic!

Captain Jack did sod all in this episode. All of the Torchwood references were unintentionally hilarious (he made a shit TV show about shag-rabbits as a tribute to the Doctor! Ha!) and I can't shift this image of Owen trying to get his leg over a Yeti. Martha doesn't fare any better. I couldn't really give a toss about her extended family and if Reggie Yates never appears in this show again then Russell is a genius of misdirection, but somehow I doubt it. It looks like Martha will take on Rose's mantle of the protector of Earth next week, but here she's pretty ineffectual and a little bit shouty. Very trad.

And then there's Rogue Traders. I instinctively knew that I'd be hearing that song come Saturday. I was mentally prepared for it. The only problem was that I had expected to hear it in the opening montage of Doctor Who Confidential as Anthony Stewart Head delivered some witty puns about balls. I wouldn't have minded quite so much if the music hadn't been so di-e-f**king-getic! The Master's wife tries to dance to it! The Master turns it off with his chunky Dr. Evil style control panel! This means that the Master actually likes that f**king song and that makes me want to tear out what's left of my hair. And this is supposed to be 2008 - so it isn't even a topical song! Hell, it won't be a topical song two weeks from now. Imagine Delgado ramping up some Brotherhood of Man as the Sea Devils march on a Navy base. I know I can't.

Tennant as an old man looks like the cannibalistic grandfather from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Anyway, there's 42 minutes left to go and anything could happen. I'm steeling myself for mild disappointment because that way everything else is a bonus. I want to know what's hiding inside those spheres for starters. Are they mini-Faces of Boe? Could they be Dalek balls? Or are they a fleet of Sontaran warships that the Master has shrunk with this TCE? The possibilities are endless but one thing's for sure: it's going to be ridiculously exciting and it's going be epic. And camp. And funny. And loud. And it's going to be adored by the kids. And whatever the outcome on Saturday night, you've got to hand it to RTD: there's nothing even remotely like this on British television. Hooray!

The Little Drummer Boy

I still have absolutely no idea what the hell went on in The Sound of Drums, so, in lieu of a proper review here are my thoughts, which may, include speculation and possible spoilers, in note form.

This story is the biggest pile of Fanwank ever, even more so than some of the Big Finish audios, and that really is saying something. Having said that, though, it just about works without drowning us all in continuity references like the TV movie did. Personally I love all of this stuff, but what will the general public make of it all? ·

The Master is back. Madder and badder than ever, this one will certainly give the smug Doctor a run for his money, unlike the Ainley Master from Castrolvalva onwards when he was little more than a pantomime villain. RTD did say that he would only bring the Master back if he was able to find the correct story for him and I think that now is the right time to bring him back, and they couldn’t have cast a better actor in my opinion than John Simm. ·

John Simm was fabulous in this episode. I loved his potrayal of the Master. I saw shades of both the 9th and 10th Doctor in Simm’s Master, and I would love it if he became the Doctor one day. He was out Doctoring the Doctor in this episode. He even had his own screwdriver but slightly better. He was the highlight of the episode for me. ·

Was it just me, or were the pictures from the Gallifrey flashbacks very similar to the drawings in the book Regenerations by Gary Russell? You know the one, the one about the TV movie. So the Timelords have children now. That will piss on people’s bonfire’s who still believe the idea that Time Lords reproduce by the loom. That’s yet another nail in the coffin for the Virgin New Adventures continuity. ·

I liked the way they explained away the Master’s predicament at the end of the TV movie with a single line and also explained why he was able to regenerate again. If they hadn’t done that that would have caused many a sleepless night for a lot of fans and this is the second time this series that they have said that what happened in the tv movie is part of the official Whoniverse, after the picture of McGann in Human Nature. I always thought that it was but I am glad that now they will have to like it and lump it, half human and all. ·

I loved the use of Voodo Child by Rogue Traiders in the episode. It worked for me in the same way that Toxic worked in The End of the World and The Lion Sleeps Tonight worked in Rise of the Cybermen. However this time the lyrics were actually relevant to the episode. Perhaps RTD had this on loop when he was writing the episode?

It was certainly an exciting episode, I’ll give them that, with some fine direction and some great dialogue. What the hell was going on I am not so sure but there was some fine dialogue spoken mostly from the Master including saying one of his old lines from Logopolis and an up to date version of the famous scene from The Sea Devils with The Teletubbies in place of The Clangers. Class!

So that is what I thought of what we have seen so far. I am beginning to wonder what on Earth is going to happen in the next episode as we have had everything bar the kitchen sink thrown at us in the first episode but, as it is a two parter there is bound to be plenty of explanations of those burning questions that I have about some of the events in The Sounds of Drums such as: ·

Who, or what, are the Toclafane? They were only named that in the episode and not in the end credits which makes me think that they may very well be someone else. Perhaps they are the Bandrils? Or the Mandrels? Well we have had the Macra already this series! ·

What is it with all this drumming? What the hell does it all mean? ·

The Master’s wife. Why would the Master want a wife. Is he trying to be like the Doctor but go one better and actually marry his travelling companion? There is more to her than meets the eye! ·

Where is Leo? Will he have a part to play in the finale? Will Reggie Yates be the person to save the world?

At the moment I have no clue as to the answer of any of these questions but I am sure as hell looking forward to finding out.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Sound of Drums: Gary Russell wrote the final draft of this episode uncredited.)