I believe it was Professor Stephen Hawking who proposed the theory that there are an infinite number of parallel universes, where every possibility exists (or it might have been Holly on Red Dwarf). Somewhere out there is a twisted alternate plane of reality where everything is “the same, but different”. Where Boom Town won the BAFTA for Best Farting in a Continuing Drama Series. Where Cheryl Baker is the definitive Doctor for a whole generation. And where Rise of the Cybermen was really, really good. Hawking never specified if his theory extended to dodgy TV Sci-Fi, but as a well known fan of Star Trek I think it’s safe to say he isn’t ruling it out anytime soon.
Anyway, in this alternate world Rise of the Cybermen was actually part of season twelve, and it was called Genesis of the Daleks. Let’s review the similarities, shall we?
1. Scheming lunatic in a wheelchair with no control over his body (not to mention his voice) is busy trying to upgrade the species by playing ‘God: The Home Game’.
2. An origin story that plays fast and loose with the established canon by throwing out almost everything that came before (unless of course this really is Mondas. Which seems pretty unlikely and rather silly. Then again, last year we had a companion with a gun concealed in his rectum, so Mondas is still an outside possibility).
3. Aforementioned loony presents his horrific plans to The Man with a straight face, and is promptly handed his P45. He reacts badly.
4. A disgusting mutated mollusc – or in this case, Mickey – attaches itself to the leg of one of the Doctors companions and absolutely refuses to let go.
5. Live extras are brutally harvested into mechanised killing machines, accompanied by the delicate sounds of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’
OK, forget the last one. But still, it’s pretty clear which classic episode Davies and his crew were cribbing from, and frankly who can blame them? If you want to breathe new life into an old foe, Genesis of the Daleks is the episode to lift from. It’s just a shame that they managed to miss just about everything that was genuinely chilling about that Baker episode, and instead hit the mark with all the accuracy of a Dalek free kick.
For starters, we have John Lumic. Whatever medical condition his character suffers from, it must render him not only immobile but also incapable of growing a moustache. Because I’m pretty sure that if he could grow a moustache, he’d grow a great big f**k off moustache and twirl it in the faces of his enemies at every opportunity. To call Lumic one-dimensional is to insult the entire bridge crew of the U.S.S. Voyager. Poor Roger Lloyd-Pack. Is it just me, or does he look like he’s been shoved in front of the camera at gunpoint and told to read from an autocue?
Lumic may be an evil genius, but it appears he’s too much of a pussy to get off the pot and put his plan into action. I don’t get it. Why does he need Don Warringtons permission to ‘upgrade’ himself? What’s he waiting for? It’s not like he doesn’t have the Vader breathing down pat, why not go all the way? And when part of your master plan involves hacking up the homeless, do you really call in the President and ask for a government grant?
Then we have the plot contrivances required to make this episode work. Rise takes the concept of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and runs it into the ground. Maybe in this universe it’s Two Degrees of Peter Tyler? This guy is a nexus, he's connected to everything. Less than a minute after the TARDIS crash-lands, Rose just stumbles across a whacking great poster of her alternate father. He just happens to be a multimillionaire health food magnate who also does his own advertising (think Stelios, crossed with the Crazy Frog). Pete Tyler also has a part time job as one of Lumics trusted aides (whipping strawberries into smoothies makes him infinitely qualified). And our Pete also just happens to be having the Prez over for a good old knees up. On the same day! OK, I realise you’ve got to manoeuvre your regulars into the action, but half of these co-incidences are just downright lazy.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of contrivances, the TARDIS is dead. Except for the bit that isn’t. It draws its power from the universe. Except for that bit down there, which, I guess, doesn’t. Wow, it’s almost as if the writers want us to stay here for exactly 24 hours. No more, no less. What will the Doctor do with that glowing green thing? If I remember Superman 2 correctly, I think he has to hike to the North Pole and hurl it at a glacier.
For an episode that is supposed to be about the regeneration of a classic icon of SF terror, the story seems content to eschew the cloying claustrophobia and nail biting tension of Genesis in favour of scene after scene after bloody scene of Jackie “we’re gonna need a bigger truck” Tyler and other assorted domestic disturbances. And as the show can’t seem to visit a genuinely alien setting, we’re stuck with Cybermen crashing a dinner party. It makes me miss the days when their stomping grounds were icy tombs and star ships commanded by Beryl Reid.
Back then, they also had the Radiophonic Workshop to help put some hair on their balls. It would appear that Murray Golds flash of brilliance last week was rather fleeting. It really is quite sad. Delia Derbyshire did more with a loop of magnetic tape and a cow bell than Murray Gold can manage with an entire orchestra.
OK, I admit I’m being way too harsh. The satire on modern communications technology for the masses was well played, and as I’m just about the only person left on the planet who doesn’t use a mobile phone (can’t stand them), this episode did at least leave me feeling more smug than usual. The new Cybermen voices are wonderful, and thank goodness they have a habit of repeating themselves because it’s easy to miss what they’re threatening you with first time out. JP’s left earlobe totally rocked. And Noel Clarke continues to atone for last year. I guess as Mickey is now a SF film fan and a reader of comic books… er… I mean Graphic Novels, that makes him a geek and we should all take him to heart. Then again, Mickey let out a cry for attention this week less subtle than a Sunday afternoon stroll around Battersea Dogs home. I have a nasty feeling his number is well and truly up.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Rise of the Cybermen: this episode features the first appearance in the series of Eleventh Doctor John Paul Green, who got to shoot David Tennant with a water pistol in The Age of Steel and took his job barely a year later. He was ultimately replaced by Twelfth Doctor Neil Perryman, who shot Green with a real pistol shortly thereafter. (hey, after this week it almost sounds plausable!).