Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Rise to the Occasion

I believe it was Professor Stephen Hawking who proposed the theory that there are an infinite number of parallel universes, where every possibility exists (or it might have been Holly on Red Dwarf). Somewhere out there is a twisted alternate plane of reality where everything is “the same, but different”. Where Boom Town won the BAFTA for Best Farting in a Continuing Drama Series. Where Cheryl Baker is the definitive Doctor for a whole generation. And where Rise of the Cybermen was really, really good. Hawking never specified if his theory extended to dodgy TV Sci-Fi, but as a well known fan of Star Trek I think it’s safe to say he isn’t ruling it out anytime soon.

Anyway, in this alternate world Rise of the Cybermen was actually part of season twelve, and it was called Genesis of the Daleks. Let’s review the similarities, shall we?

1. Scheming lunatic in a wheelchair with no control over his body (not to mention his voice) is busy trying to upgrade the species by playing ‘God: The Home Game’.

2. An origin story that plays fast and loose with the established canon by throwing out almost everything that came before (unless of course this really is Mondas. Which seems pretty unlikely and rather silly. Then again, last year we had a companion with a gun concealed in his rectum, so Mondas is still an outside possibility).

3. Aforementioned loony presents his horrific plans to The Man with a straight face, and is promptly handed his P45. He reacts badly.

4. A disgusting mutated mollusc – or in this case, Mickey – attaches itself to the leg of one of the Doctors companions and absolutely refuses to let go.

5. Live extras are brutally harvested into mechanised killing machines, accompanied by the delicate sounds of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’

OK, forget the last one. But still, it’s pretty clear which classic episode Davies and his crew were cribbing from, and frankly who can blame them? If you want to breathe new life into an old foe, Genesis of the Daleks is the episode to lift from. It’s just a shame that they managed to miss just about everything that was genuinely chilling about that Baker episode, and instead hit the mark with all the accuracy of a Dalek free kick.

For starters, we have John Lumic. Whatever medical condition his character suffers from, it must render him not only immobile but also incapable of growing a moustache. Because I’m pretty sure that if he could grow a moustache, he’d grow a great big f**k off moustache and twirl it in the faces of his enemies at every opportunity. To call Lumic one-dimensional is to insult the entire bridge crew of the U.S.S. Voyager. Poor Roger Lloyd-Pack. Is it just me, or does he look like he’s been shoved in front of the camera at gunpoint and told to read from an autocue?

Lumic may be an evil genius, but it appears he’s too much of a pussy to get off the pot and put his plan into action. I don’t get it. Why does he need Don Warringtons permission to ‘upgrade’ himself? What’s he waiting for? It’s not like he doesn’t have the Vader breathing down pat, why not go all the way? And when part of your master plan involves hacking up the homeless, do you really call in the President and ask for a government grant?

Then we have the plot contrivances required to make this episode work. Rise takes the concept of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and runs it into the ground. Maybe in this universe it’s Two Degrees of Peter Tyler? This guy is a nexus, he's connected to everything. Less than a minute after the TARDIS crash-lands, Rose just stumbles across a whacking great poster of her alternate father. He just happens to be a multimillionaire health food magnate who also does his own advertising (think Stelios, crossed with the Crazy Frog). Pete Tyler also has a part time job as one of Lumics trusted aides (whipping strawberries into smoothies makes him infinitely qualified). And our Pete also just happens to be having the Prez over for a good old knees up. On the same day! OK, I realise you’ve got to manoeuvre your regulars into the action, but half of these co-incidences are just downright lazy.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of contrivances, the TARDIS is dead. Except for the bit that isn’t. It draws its power from the universe. Except for that bit down there, which, I guess, doesn’t. Wow, it’s almost as if the writers want us to stay here for exactly 24 hours. No more, no less. What will the Doctor do with that glowing green thing? If I remember Superman 2 correctly, I think he has to hike to the North Pole and hurl it at a glacier.

For an episode that is supposed to be about the regeneration of a classic icon of SF terror, the story seems content to eschew the cloying claustrophobia and nail biting tension of Genesis in favour of scene after scene after bloody scene of Jackie “we’re gonna need a bigger truck” Tyler and other assorted domestic disturbances. And as the show can’t seem to visit a genuinely alien setting, we’re stuck with Cybermen crashing a dinner party. It makes me miss the days when their stomping grounds were icy tombs and star ships commanded by Beryl Reid.

Back then, they also had the Radiophonic Workshop to help put some hair on their balls. It would appear that Murray Golds flash of brilliance last week was rather fleeting. It really is quite sad. Delia Derbyshire did more with a loop of magnetic tape and a cow bell than Murray Gold can manage with an entire orchestra.

OK, I admit I’m being way too harsh. The satire on modern communications technology for the masses was well played, and as I’m just about the only person left on the planet who doesn’t use a mobile phone (can’t stand them), this episode did at least leave me feeling more smug than usual. The new Cybermen voices are wonderful, and thank goodness they have a habit of repeating themselves because it’s easy to miss what they’re threatening you with first time out. JP’s left earlobe totally rocked. And Noel Clarke continues to atone for last year. I guess as Mickey is now a SF film fan and a reader of comic books… er… I mean Graphic Novels, that makes him a geek and we should all take him to heart. Then again, Mickey let out a cry for attention this week less subtle than a Sunday afternoon stroll around Battersea Dogs home. I have a nasty feeling his number is well and truly up.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Rise of the Cybermen: this episode features the first appearance in the series of Eleventh Doctor John Paul Green, who got to shoot David Tennant with a water pistol in The Age of Steel and took his job barely a year later. He was ultimately replaced by Twelfth Doctor Neil Perryman, who shot Green with a real pistol shortly thereafter. (hey, after this week it almost sounds plausable!).

You are Number Nine

According to the BBC, and the always reliable AICN, Christopher Eccleston will be interrupting his busy schedule of voice-over work to take up the role of Number Six in ITV's mini-series remake of The Prisoner.

Patrick McGoohans 17 episode rant at society in general and Leo McKern in particular looks sadly dated and irrelevant 40 years later. A spokesman for ITV said they plan to bring Number Six into the 21st century with a series "more like 24", but refused to divulge if this would mean they were planning to kill off half the supporting cast every episode, or if the whole series would simply be Number Six staring at the digital clock on his bedside table.

Eccleston is contracted for six episodes, plus an undisclosed number of on-set McGoohan-style trantrums. If the mini-series is a success, Eccleston will have cemented his reputation as the only actor with the ability to breath new life into dead genre shows. Watch out for guest apperances in Quantum Leap, Red Dwarf, Star Trek and Lost.

Werewolf? I dunno, you had him last*

A brief flick through Tachyon TV's Big Damn Coffee Table Book of Doctor Who Episode Production Credits (hardback edition) will quickly confirm that your man Russell the Davies has penned his fair share of classics and more than a few clunkers. Ever since being handed the TARDIS keys and logbook (seven careful owners, plus some bloke who took it on a joyride 'round San Francisco to impress the locals and scratched the paintwork), I'd estimate he's running at about a 50% success rate.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about Davies writing. The more focused, serious storylines come out very well (Rose, Parting of the Ways). It's the undisciplined episodes and the obsession with stunt casting from the piss poor shallow end of British pop culture (Bad Wolf - what will the Americans make of that one in a few weeks, eh?) that cause the problems, coupled with an almost Straczynskian ability for comedic misfires.

But after this week I'm almost willing to forgive him for the Anne Droid, because Tooth and Claw is just absolutely delicious. Could the BBC possibly have scheduled a more crowd pleasing episode to run after the football? Well... apparently so, given some of the lousy reviews I've seen. But for me at least this was a pitch-perfect blend of horror, adventure and wit with some pretty relentless action, starting with a brutal assault on the Torchwood Estate by a group of scheming bullet time Monks and Murray Gold on a complete bender.

That's right, Torchwood. Apparently, there's a Doctor Who spin off planned for later this year (no, I hadn't heard about it either), and this episode contains some very subtle hints regarding the new show. See if you can spot them. By the end of the episode Queen Victoria does everything to plug the show except announce the timeslot and target demographic. I'm intrigued, not least of which because it appears that Torchwood and the Doctor are destined to be, if not enemies, then at most uneasy allies.

I'm genuinely perplexed by some of the flak this episode is taking. Rose and the Doctor are a pair of hooligans? They're interlopers, alternately punch drunk and scared shitless by the situation they're in. A little arrogant, perhaps, but they're also the only people who actually know what's going on. Incidentally, they're also risking their lives trying to save everyone in the building. The Doctor tries to prevent the steward, Captain Reynolds and Sir Robert from confonting the Werewolf, three people of very different social standings. Hardly class warfare.

It's also the Doctors impertinence to rise above his percieved 'class' that leads to the most touching and human scene in the whole episode; the Queens grief over the death of Prince Albert, beautifully written and wonderfully performed.

As Neil has correctly pointed out, it's obvious from the exile scene that something pretty nasty will be coming their way by seasons end to whack some pathos into them. Right now, I'm happy with the more unrestrained Tenth Doctor. It's a nice counterpoint to his guilt-stricken predecessor.

And can we put an end to the ridiculous Chav thing right now, please? Wasn't that intended to be a joke to show how insufferable Cassandra was? If you honestly think Rose or the Doctor are Chavs, I can promise you you've never been anywhere near one.

The werewolf effect was a bit hit and miss - the bone crunching transformation was brilliantly pulled off and worth at least a dozen complaints to the duty officer right there. The chase seqeuences were less impressive, but it seems churlish to complain. This is Doctor Who, and we've come a long way baby. I'd rather have a poor CGI effect on the loose than a bloody Vervoid. That final shot of the Werewolf being dispatched with the telescope contraption was worth the price of admission alone.

And did we just get our second mention of the Bad Wolf this series or am I imagining things? Did anyone else spot the reference in New Earth? (Check the pre-title sequence). Was this just too obvious a joke for the series to pass up this week, or are we still supposed to be keeping an eye out for the repeating meme?

Oh, and according to some whackjobs on Usenet we also got another example of the Russell T. Davies Blatant Homosexual Agenda (tm). If I understand correctly, the complaint goes something like this: ever since an aging William Hartnell first stumbled out of the TARDIS dressed like an undertakers grandfather forty three years ago, right up to our heros first on-screen kiss with a real live woman three decades later, Doctor Who has always been a bastion of hetrosexual science fiction. And then along comes RTD and queers the place right up with innuendo-laden jokes and the very first gay, non-American, space-station based on-screen kiss. And this week he had the audacity to obliquely mention gay people yet again. Think of the children! Bravo Russell. Keep 'em coming.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Tooth and Claw: pause the episode during the final scene and zoom in, and you'll find a large flashing neon sign on the roof of the estate reading 'Torchwood, coming October 2006' is clearly visible.

* (c) Mystery Science Theater 3000. Sorry Neil, beat you to it. :-)

Carry On Pussy

Warning: during this review, I will not be making any gratuitous jokes regarding pussy. There will be no smut-laden references to nurses uniforms. You will not find any childish comments about pumping up Rose Tylers bouncy castle. And even though this is an episode written by Russel T. Davies, I will resist the tempation to mention pussy farts.

There, that feels better. (And the sound you can here in the background is Neil grumbling as he locks down the site with an AdultPass).

Before I launch into a review of the episode proper, I'm going to waste a few paragraphs complaining about something in the pre-title sequence. Yes, you all know what I'm referring to. It's 'Touching Farewell Between Jackie, Mickey and Rose #372'.

It's not just because we all know that this scene is totally pointless, given that we'll be back on the Powell Estate in a matter of weeks (and I don't want any whining about spoilers. A return visit to contemporary London is as inevitable as the setting of the sun and another season of Stargate). And it's not because Roses transformation into time travelling companion was complete at the end of last year (remember that classic scene in the chip shop?).

No, it's because while watching a recent episode of Doctor Who Confidential (or perhaps it was Totally Doctor Who. Or maybe it was one of the TARDISodes. Mark my words people, the general public burnout and backlash is coming this year), one of the anonymous talking head media pundits referred to Jackie and Mickey as beloved major characters of the series. Yup, they've made this place domestic. Eccelstone saw it coming. I should probably have saved that rant for one of the other eight or so episodes these two will be appearing in, but as there is so little else to talk about this week I needed something to pad out the text.

Anyway, New Earth. Think Coruscant on a budget and saddled with some ecologically minded town planners. It looks like RTD has once again front-loaded the season with eye-popping visuals, though it's a shame The Mill succumbed to the cliche of throwing a few hover car races into the skyline. It's the year five billion and twenty three, and the human race is still locking themselves in metal boxes? There are more imaginative ways to travel, you know.

For example, take Body Swapping. Please. Would you Adam-'un-Eve-it, our favorite villian from last year survived and now hides out in the basement of a hospital. No, it's not the Dalek. Or the Gelth. Or the gas-mask zombies.  Or the Autons. Or the Jagrafess. Can we get Simon Pegg this week? Nope. OK. It's not even a Slitheen in intensive care suffering from a bowel disorder. It's... Zoe Wannmaker! Was Cassandra really that popular last year? Apparently so, because we've got a whole friggin' episode centered around her. It seems that the fatal bout of dry skin Eccles subjected her to last year wasn't quite so fatal. How she made it to New Earth is as inexplicable as her newfound ability to swap bodies, and poor Rose is the first unwilling host.

Thank godness for Billie Piper, who's portray of upperclass-totty-slumming-it-in-chav-central saves this episode from the bedpan. And a charming moment of jiggling and curve-stroking should keep the lonlier members of fandom in good sted for a few weeks at least. Gentlemen, set your vidcap equipment to stunned.

Meanwhile RTD attempts what could be a bit of social commentary on stem cell research, as a race of eeevil cat people grow a farm of human test subjects in the bowels of the hospital to experiment on. Unfortunately, as social commentary goes this episode has about as much meat on it as a supermodel with ameobic dysentery. And that's before the army of shuffling plague zombies show up. An embarrasing and geographically confusing chase sequence ensues which is finally brought to a close by the Doctor, who comes up with the audacious plan of... um... curing the plague carriers. Brilliant.

By the way, David Tennant needs to stop shouting. Having the hero make his point with volume makes him come across as more than a little impotent. Aside from that, the Tenth Doctor is still a worth successor and I'm enjoying the camp. Maybe he'll actually have something interesting to do next week.

The problem here is that the whole episode is completely unfocused and all over the shop. We're dragged from London to the distant future via the Night of the Living Dead, before the episode writes itself into a corner with Cassandra and, needing someway to resolve her character, dumps us at an unspecified time in the past at the Worst. Dinner. Party. Evaah (where the Ambassador from Thrace is really spoiling us). Dying Cassandra gets to tell her pre-stretched counterpart just how beautiful she is. Yeah, lets play up her most lothesome characteristic - her vanity. That'll make for a touching ending.

Oh, and I can't let this episode go without mentioning the Face of Boe, who it seems is angling for the job of this seasons Bad Wolf. Last year, that repeating meme was subtly introduced into each episode and ultimately made no sense. This year, the repeating meme is spray-painted on the side of an Anvil and dropped on the audiences head. And will ultimately make no sense.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about New Earth: A guest appearance by Danny John Jules in the Cat hospital had to be cancelled at the last minute when nobody could remember who he was.

Children in Need (of a toy Dalek)

"Oooh, and a Sonic Screwdriver! And can Santa bring me the DVD's too?"

The recap: A nice opportunity to flog those CGI Daleks again, even if it lasted longer than the 'episode' itself. We even got a full title sequence. Sadly, the switch in actors did not trigger the dropping of those truly naff zooming credits.

The Doctor: Yikes! He's got hair! Teeth! A mole! Thank christ his personal exploration stayed above the trouser belt. Given RTD's propensity towards fart gags I was half expecting the Doctor to take that for a test drive as well. Looks like we're in for some serious regeneration mania. As if in answer to Neils concerns, it appeared as if Tennants bollock-dropping performance in the trailer was slightly trimmed. And anyone wanna place a bet on that yellow spirit? A Gelth? A Vorlon? A case of TARDIS Time Vortex gas?

The plot: Erm... the Doctor introduces himself, prevents the BBC CGI department from having to conjour up dogs without noses, and then everything gets very loud indeed.

The spin-off: "Captain Jack is... arghh!!... busy.... awwww!!! rebuilding Earth! Saturday. 8pm... arghh!!... BBC1". Blimey, setting up Torchwood looked painful.

The Christmas Invasion: Yes, it's going to take place in Jackie Tylers kitchen. I just know it. F**k!!!

Peter Andre and Jordan: I'm all in favour of arming the police, if there's a good chance these two gits get caught in some unfortunate crossfire.

Cybermen sealed in Clingfilm

On to PART TWO, and we begin to see why this story cemented itself in the minds of four year old Who fans as a classic. It is, of course, all down to the scene of hung over Cybermen stumbling from their icy catacombs while the Radiophonic Workshop go on a complete bender. A rousing rendition of the Cybermen theme which adds a layer of eerie horror to images of Extras popping through Clingfilm at the point of least resistance. It’s so good in fact, that you can almost forgive the bit at the end when the Cybermen rouse their leader off the toilet…

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Where were we? Ah yes. Alas, poor redshirt. We knew him for about three and a half minutes. What was his name again? I guess that's what happens when you go wandering around a Cyberman shooting gallery. Nailed in the back before you've even had a go at winning a cuddly toy. The Doctor recreates the accident, presumably in a failed attempt to kill off the rest of the archaeologists so he can have this adventure to himself.

Victoria meanwhile has found her own cuddly toy. A metallic fossil (eh?), which the Doctor identifies as a Cybermat (after checking the Dummies Guide to Cyberman Tomb Raiding). Victoria, bless her, decides to adopt it. She's going to get killed off soon, right? Please? This woman puts the ass in Assistant, and not in a good way.

With the death of two beloved characters that no-one in the audience can remember or name, Professor Parry is ready to throw in the towel. However, the expedition’s rocket ship has been sabotaged and the team are forced to spend the night in the tomb (duh duh duuuuh! What's that you say? Everyone back to the TARDIS? No? OK then). Fortunately, we are now just two BSc Mathematics lectures away from getting that damned tomb open. Kleig throws some more switches and shouts equations at the audience like a Vulcan on crack (am I supposed to be taking this down? Will there be a test at the end?), and BANG, the tombs swings open complete with appropriate mood lighting.

The women are told to remain above. Don't bother commenting on the outrageous sexism, let's be honest here. Kaftan as a scheming bitch and Victoria was less dangerous when she was locked in that cupboard. I'm forced to agree with the chauvinist pigs.

And then, it's into the tomb for the shocking revelation that Kleig is a bit of a baddie. The Brotherhood of Logicians plan to wake the Cybermen and use their power to... er... well, do something evil. Maybe force everyone in the universe to perform simultaneous quadratic equations? We're not privy to the finer details, as Kleigs plan quickly goes to shit and the Cyberleader has his own ideas. It's amazing the chilling effect you can have just by speaking into a Kazoo...

Part One: I'll have a consonant please, Doctor

I've been meaning to get around to watching TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN for about, oh, fourteen years, ever since the complete serial was miraculously unearthed in a rubbish tip behind a car boot sale somewhere in Nigeria. I remember much excitement in the SF press (well, TV Zone). My interest was piqued. The BBC had of course junked the original copies in order to save ten precious square inches of shelf space. This was a major find, four whole complete episodes. Whether or not these four whole complete episodes were any good was completely immaterial. Finally, there was now enough surviving footage to prove that, no, your memory wasn't playing tricks on you; Patrick Troughton really did play the Doctor.

So join me, won't you, in my third (and final) attempt to make it all the way through TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN. And if I slip into another Stripped Down Too coma, please do not resuscitate.

We join our story already in progress, as new companion Victoria Waterfield enters the TARDIS for the first time. Suitably impressed by the Doctor, his spaceship, its various arrays of shiny knobs and that bloke in the kilt, she decides to tag along and slips into something more comfortable. Set your watches gentlemen; T minus 22 minutes to the first pratfall.

Meanwhile, an archaeological expedition on the planet Telos is busy blowing holes in a quarry, accompanied by the sound of a cat jumping on a synthesizer while Stephen Hawking struggles with a Theremin. Lead by Professor Parry, this team of rag tag bickering tomb raiders are a fairly clichéd bunch. We have Viner the stressed out scientist, Hopper the sort-of-wisecracking American rocket captain, and some assorted redshirts including a couple of poor kids who look like they're on work experience.

And then there's Logician Eric Kleig and Miss Kaftan, so transparently duplicitous they might as well be 'mwah ha ha!'-ing through every scene. Oh, and their 'assistant' Toberman, who basically assists them by being black, getting barely two lines, handling all the heavily lifting and obeying every order they give him. Oh dear, that's going to cost this episode some points...

Anyway, the team manages to stop bickering with each other long enough to uncover the doors to the tomb. Actually, scratch that. It's the entrance to the antechamber which contains the entrance to the tomb. Basically this story is a series of locked doors and bickering. Kaftan immediately offers £50 to the first person stupid enough to try and break in. One dead redshirt later, and the TARDIS arrives before Kaftan is forced to up the offer to £75.

After sitting through Hartnells mumbling performance in Dalek Invasion of Earth, Troughton is something of a breath of fresh air. It would seem that as our heroes regeneration count increases, so do the number of lines he can get out without fluffing or looking in vain for a cue card. He's also seriously lacking in self control, as he spends the next three episodes aiding the archaeologists in their ill-advised quest while simultaneously warning them not to proceed any further. Is he really ten steps ahead of everyone else, or just unable to stop himself landing everyone in trouble for the sake of his own curiosity?

Once inside the antechamber (it's basically the set of Countdown with fewer chairs), Kleig struggles to open the tomb itself and drops a crate load of bollocks about binary to digital conversion. The Doctor quickly steps in to help the poor lad with his homework, and we get a healthy slice of mathematical technobabble mixed with more bickering. Not so much the Open University as the Openly Sarcastic University.

Victoria fulfils her contractual obligation for a pratfall by sealing herself in a cupboard designed for rejuvenating Cybermen (another locked door and some more bickering). Jamie and redshirt #2 explore a firing range. A Cyberman scrolls into view and one of them manages to get shot in the back. It's around about this point when the team start to wonder if they should have brought at least one gun with them...

Not exactly a cliffhanger, but I guess it'll do. Something interesting had better happen soon, or freeing up that shelf space might not have been such a bad idea after all.

Attack of the Hobo-Borg

Ahh, if only I were old enough to share nostalgic memories of having seen this episode as a nipper. Doctor Who passed me by when I was young - in fact all I can remember are Cybermen marching down nondescript corridors circa 1982, and a guest appearance by Beryl Reid.

Still, I'm sure if I'd seen this in my formative years I would have loved it. Dalek Invasion of Earth starts on an upbeat note with a suicide, and gets gradually more depressing. Was this really Saturday evening teatime viewing in 1964?

The TARDIS materialises in the wreckage of London and the crew begin a detailed exploration of the six square ft of set space they have to work with. Unfortunately, they completely fail to notice the Bloody Great Big Poster that might tip them off to something being amiss, warning that it is forbidden to dump bodies in the river. Presumably, at some point it was A-OK to dispose of unwanted corpses this way, but the Daleks have had to crack down.

Cue the inevitable feminine pratfall by one of the companions that splits the group up; it's Susan who falls off a fence, managing the double whammy of spraining her ankle and burying the TARDIS under a bridge at the same time. That must be some kind of record. Ian and the Doctor, ever optimistic, wander off to a nearby warehouse in search of an acetylene torch (and to find out who's playing that bloody Hammond organ).

Personally, I've no complaints when it comes to the first Doctor. Yes, when Billy Hartnell graces the screen with his befuddled presence there's more fluffing going on than your average porn movie, but that's hardly the biggest crack in the facade of believability is it? This era of the show is pretty slapdash all round. Case in point: for the whole episode the windows of the TARDIS are clearly hanging off, even in close-ups. Is this continuity from the previous episode, or did the budget not run to a strip of cellotape? I guess I'll have to sit through Planet of the Giants to be totally sure.

And then there's Ian Chesterton, who may be lost in time and space but damn it that no excuse to take off your tie. From his mistaking the decaying, fetid runs of London for 'Sunday', to walking into rooms without floors, to his theories of the origin of the Robomen ("maybe he fractured his skull and then they packed him in a cardboard box..."), he's not exactly the sharpest knife in the draw and I wouldn't trust him to grade an exam paper let alone save the Earth.

Which brings me to the Robomen. A note to all potential invading alien civilisations: if you're thinking of enslaving mankind and absorbing us into your collective, you don't have to make us walk incredibly slowly and talk in fractured monotone. It's not required, and let's face it all that slow moving around can't be helping your productivity. I'd love to find the Robomen chilling, but they just look like an army of Hobo Borg.

Still, there’s plenty of iconic imagery in this episode, especially the ruins of Battersea Power Station (sans two chimneys and an inflatable pig), and of course the final shot of the Dalek emerging from the water. A little bit botched - I wouldn't have revealed the Dalek until the very last shot - but still great stuff.

Asses of Fire

Well... it looked good in the trailer, didn't it? The Doctor channels Jack Bauer (lots of "Defence plan Delta! Mooove!!!" and "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!!!!". Well, sort of). The Mill goes bonkers and destroys Big Ben. The budget gets another kicking (at this rate the title of episode 12 could turn out to be 'Attack of the Sock Puppets'). And that nice Penelope Wilton witnesses a moment of stomach churning horror, complete with an off camera arse-clenching scream that could cut through lead.

In short, 'Aliens of London' was supposed to rock. Another chilling episode to scare the living shit out of the youngsters and get them cowering behind the sofa good and proper. What the hell happened?

Well, for starters, farts aren't all that funny. They aren't funny in SF. In a horror story, not only are they not funny, but you're just pissing any tension up against the nearest wall. Sorry RTD, this was a big, big mistake. Leave the playground humour in the Star Wars prequels where it doesn't belong either.

And just as we're recovering from that writing atrocity, a pig in a space suit makes a break for it and is gunned down by Special Forces. For one terrifying moment I was sure we were going to get a mouth-to-snout resuscitation scene.

You know, I work in an office populated entirely by women, and last week the topic of conversation was favourite TV shows. Thank Christ I kept my mouth shut...

The contemporary London setting was not without its problems either. Since when do reports on the news have their own background music? This isn't FOX. And how about a graphic of 'Alien Spacecraft Crash Lands' orbiting around the BBC News 24 logo for added effect? You know, the bit that usually says 'Iraqi Car Bomb', 'Iraqi Hostage', or 'Iraqi Hostage Killed by Car Bomb'.

All very sad, because the episode started out wonderfully. Others have commented negatively on the fact that Rose keeps popping home, but to me a gradual departure from her past life makes more sense. And even more sense that the Doctor would cock it up a bit. As you'll recall, last week he couldn't hit Naples 1860 if his Dickens collection depended on it. The fall-out from Roses disappearance is rather well played.

Oh, and what's with the Bad Wolf thing? So far we've been lead to believe that it's a brewing subplot. So why is a ten year old spray painting it on the side of the TARDIS? This had better make sense eventually.

I'd be willing to bet this was the first episode of the series to be shot. It feels like a hold-over from the dodgy Doctor Who of old. It's riddled with production mistakes (as others here have noted). And just look at the way the Slitheens heads bob up and down in the trailer for next week. Unforgivable. Do the villains really have to look like late stage Brundlefly crossed with Mister Blobby?

Let’s just get this over with and get to the bloody Dalek...

Strap the Ball Gag on Graham Norton!

Because it's 7pm on a Saturday night, and that means only one thing. The first SF show in years that I don't have to download in order to watch. It's a refreshing change, I can tell you.

After a quick recap of last weeks adventure (presumably for the two people in the country who weren't watching) the Doctor makes good on his promise to take Rose absolutely anywhere in time and space, and soon enough we're hurtling into the future. One hundred years? Boring. Ten thousand years? Pffff, that's for pussy Starfleet officers. Determined to really impress his new assistant, the Doctor decides he's going to floor it. Before you have time to stop and wonder why the TARDIS is now powered by a bicycle pump - BANG - we've travelled five billion years hence, and not only is it the end of the world, Eccles is about to do a live rendition of an Orbital track.

This episode really functions as a continuation of the pilot, as Rose begins to take stock of this whole time travel malarkey, and the adorable nutter she's just shacked up with. Exactly what does she know about this bloke, other than the fact that he's an alien who enjoys saving the universe while head-bopping to Soft Cell? Clearly, it's time to get some answers out of this leather-clad clown, but the Doctor isn't in the mood to share. And when he does, you really rather wish he hadn't. Apparently his home world has been burned to a cinder, and he's the last remaining Time Lord. Flippin 'eck.

Now, I came to this show a tad late; I missed the first twenty six seasons. So, I'm not exactly up on the back story. Is the nasty fate of Gallifrey old news, or is RTD setting up a future plot line? I couldn't help but notice this is the second episode in a row making allusions to a mysterious war. I hope it's the latter, just so we can find out why a time traveller can't change such a disastrous outcome.

Meanwhile, it's the end of our world (accompanied, of course, by the sound of Britney Spears. I always suspected her popularity was a sign of the coming apocalypse), and a variety of wacky characters have assembled to watch the Earth being engulfed in the Suns death throes on an orbiting space station run by The Steward and his assistants (think Umpa Lumpas crossed with Smurfs). Cue insane villain in the (very thin) shape of Cassandra, the last human who has decided to knock off all the other attendees in a convoluted plot to help pay for his/her next face lift. Not that there's much face left to lift, that is.

I have no idea how much money the BBC have invested in this new series, but I get the feeling the licence fee is about to go up by a few hundred quid. British SF TV has never looked so gorgeous. Fantastic spacious sets, wonderful makeup and a CGI department who apparently watched Minority Report recently and decided to "have a go". Those mechanical spiders were great (the camera nudge was cute - you know the SFX guys are getting confident when they throw in a touch like that) and the virtual sets were class.  Doctor Who can finally stand toe-to-toe with the likes of Trek or Battlestar Galactica, and not have to use the old cop-out argument of "well, it's supposed to look shit. That's part of the charm!".

In the end the main plot is a non-starter; a chase around the station, which unfortunately gets a bit deus ex machina by the end, as a convenient switch at the end of a ridiculously deadly causeway is the magical solution to the problem. But it doesn't matter. I'm not really watching for the plot (yet), I'm tuning in for the humour, and the chemistry between Chris and Billie and enjoying it while it lasts.