Like all drunken bets in the pub things can be taken too far. The suggestion, following 14 Bacardi and Cokes, that you'd not be able to get the BBC to agree to putting a child's monster into a multi million pound drama series was, of course, like a red rag to a bull. Or even a Red Bull to a rag.
And what with next week's show based around a child's drawings that come to life is this all we can expect from here on in? Endless cyclical meta-textual cock? TV's Elton Welsby thinks so...
And is it just me, or can anyone else remember a news story not so long ago about a chap that was arrested for having sex on pavements? Not on, mind you, but with. I did some extensive research and the only conclusion I could arrive at was never, ever, no matter how desperate you are, type "man having sex with pavement" into Google.
Love & Monsters
Today's forecast calls for nothing but oral sex. Oral sex and other thinly veiled references of a carnal nature. That's one weird thing you'd not even hear Daniel Corbett saying during on of his forecasts. There's so much unbridled smut going on this episode I almost thought I heard the TARDIS moan contentedly when Elton felt the old girl up. Sod Love & Monsters, it should have been called Get Your Rocks Off.
Elton legs it when he hears the dulcet tones of Rose screaming at a pitch that would put a dent in 3 inch steel only to come across a rather unpleasant piece of work. When he opens the door to stare at a beast, that bears an uncanny resemblance to our own Princess Royal, his face drops like a dissatisfied contestant on Blind Date who's just had the partition roll back to reveal Barry from Totnes, a hirsute gentleman with various person hygiene issues after seeing male model, Mario from Gwent, go past earlier.
The inevitable Benny Hill tribute ensues (not since Tom Baker continually slapped that little bald chap on his head, after being chased around by Leela, in The Sun Makers have we seen anything like this) and as Elton makes his excuses after being scared off by the Doctor, who asks him "wasn't that you in State of Play?", he sinks into the warming embrace of a brick wall, face contorted in the sort of ecstasy you'd only get if you were locked into the Home Depot's paving store overnight.
It's at this stage I began to question why Elton was making this video. Who was the intended audience or was it merely some sort of video diary or blog for his own person use? Blogging is such a self indulgent pastime. Who in their right mind would be pompous enough to think that anyone was even remotely interested in anything they had to say? It's the multimedia equivalent of wanking. And I have no idea why leaning into camera isn't good enough for him? If it's good enough for Keith Boak it's good enough for him.
Just when we think we're going to get another clips show, and I was waiting for the obligatory appearance of Jimmy "I CAN'T STAND HIS MACHINE TOOLED FACE" Carr, we get Auton and Slitheen re-enactments, as if there's some sort of Civil War lot who, tiring of trotting out Cromwell week after week, decide to turn their skills to re-enacting alien invasions. And, wait for it, then we have a crowd scene without JP! Oh the humanity.
And he's me thinking that ELO was the Lancastrian equivalent of J-Lo. It's a shame he wasn't into Bullseye, you can't beat a bit of Bully. You get nothing in this game for two in a bed - more on that later.
Ursula Blake, most likely to fight back, and give oral gratification from a paving slab. I could see a lot of myself in LINDA. Very fitting for an episode so steeped in sexual innuendo it would give a Carry On film a run for its money. Victor's appearance was very theatrical and yes, he did look like the cat theatre man Eccleston played in The League of Gentlemen. Doling out homework, like the Tachyon Overlord setting us tasks to complete each and every week.
Sexual tension fizzes into over drive once Jackie Tyler turns up, having lost the batteries to her rampant rabbit you know you're in trouble. If she started waving her knickers at me in the launderette I'd run a country mile. Damn good job we were flashed a quick glimpse of Blunderwoman to calm our collective ardours. Camille Coduri is in full on Nuns on the Run mode here. And it's scaring the living crappola out of me.
The unmasked Victor Kennedy looks a little like Bubbles DeVere's avocado addicted twin brother. Except with a Bolton accent. And if every planet has a Bolton, does that mean that every planet has a Bolton Wanderers? And therefore there are an infinite number of Sam Allardyces in the Universe? Yet another sobering thought. Then Ursula gets sucked off... I mean sucked in... to that Peter Kay thing. Still, at least she could still do adverts for Specsavers. The Absorbaloff reveals himself to be fairly hirsute himself, but with that tiny little posing pouch it's amazing there are no pubes on the loose. Unless that's what on his head and shoulders. A disturbing thought. And one that's been triggered by that twisted little nine year old.
Elton has some sobering words to leave us with: All those who touch the Doctor, either get destroyed, or turned into a masonry pervert. Christ, if he clocked the slabs at the base of Rassilon's plinth, he'd go into spasms of pleasure. How long, in a world where civil partnerships between same sex couples have just been recognized, would it take Elton and his concrete partner, to get their union recognized and blessed? And what about temptation? It's all around. One minute you're in Dixons and the next you're ogling some cracks on the sidewalk. It'll never last...
If you, or a member of your family has been affected by any of the topics discussed in this programme then please call our special helpline, 1-800-SLABSEX, where our banks of specially trained flagstone counsellors are poised and ready (in-between taking calls on the paving desk of Do It All) to laugh uproariously at your inner most secrets and desires.
The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Love & Monsters: 9 year old William Grantham, creator of the Absorbaloff, is now locked into a bitter wrangle over the use of his creation between the BBC and his representatives from Roger Hancock Ltd.