Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

When talking to yourself gets weird

It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to contribute to these pages, so I thought “What better way to ease myself gently back in, than on a seven minute short?”

Now being a fan of derision and ridicule I was quite looking forward to sharpening my knives and going for the jugular on this one.  I mean, do you remember the dire multi-Doctor story that landed them in Albert Square?  It’s lucky I wasn’t writing then – I may have had to break my no sweary word rule.

But this was a totally creature altogether.  There’s almost nothing that I can think of to fault it.  I mean I know that Peter Davison looked older (because he was) and the explanation was breezed over liked it actually made some kind of sense (“The two of us together has shorted out the time differential.”  Huh?  So why didn’t David Tennant look any different?) but it was great fun.

I was surprised that nobody mentioned Adric

It really was something for the fans wasn’t it?  Although how many of us were yelling at the TV, saying “Well you should know why he had the celery, you were him and you explained it all to Peri in Caves of Andozani.”?  I didn’t actually shout because Mrs C. thinks I should dial back on the whole talking to inanimate objects thing.  Apparently they don’t like it.

But really, there were so many little gags and references in there.  I’ve just jotted down a few of my favourites here –

The repeated “What” is becoming part of the fun now.  It’s almost expected like Sam Beckett saying “Oh Boy” and the end of each episode of Quantum Leap.

The explanation of how Doctor 10 knew how to save the day because he remembered watching himself do it when he was Doctor 5 was just put down to the “wibbly wobbly timey wimey” nature of things.  Having just watched Blink again recently I thought that was kind of fun.

Peter Davison can still pull off indignant

I also enjoyed the fond digs at the fans.  A name check for “that L.I.N.D.A lot” and also the exasperation felt about having groupies.  “I can’t have you lot knowing where I live”  Very funny stuff.  Peter Davison can still pull off indignant very well can’t he?

There were also, of course, the references to the old show.  Although when Doctor 10 was asking where Doctor 5 was, and he covered Nyssa and Tegan, I was surprised that nobody mentioned Adric, but then realised that they had in fact talked about the decorative vegetable a couple of times.

One little question here, actually.  10 mentioned to 5 (I’m becoming a little more informal here, you can tell can’t you?) that the Master had just turned up again (albeit sans “that rubbish beard”) so why didn’t he remember that he was still around?  Surely that kind of insider knowledge might have come in handy somewhere along the way – It would at least stopped him constantly moping about being all alone.

I did laugh at the expression on 5’s face when 10 went in for a high-five.  It was kind of a “What on  earth are you doing?” kind of look – Which I must admit is the expression I would pull if somebody tried that kind of thing with me, too.

There’s no real reason for including this quote, but I thought it was such an accurate description that I wanted to include it.  “I go zooming around space and  time saving planets fighting monsters and, let’s be honest, being pretty marvellous.”  Lovely stuff.

Perhaps Time Lords have a slow beard growth or something

And finally an explanation as to why the TARDIS is the way it is.  It runs Windows as it’s Operating System!  5 let slip when he complained about the desktop theme having been changed.  This really does explain it all.  Why the TARDIS keeps crashing all the time for no good reason, why a lot of people can’t get into it and why nobody can get it to look any different.  Mind you, if this really were the case, shouldn’t the TARDIS be a beige box, rather than a blue one?

And I never knew that the Doctor shaved.  Okay, we’ve never seen him go to the loo and only rarely eat, but it’s odd after all those days he’d spent in captivity or in some primitive civilisation with no access to running water or toiletries that he hasn’t ever ended up looking like Don Johnson.  Perhaps Time Lords have a slow beard growth or something.

The “You were my Doctor” speech was really quite touching.   I can imagine a young David Tennant sitting at home watching Peter Davison being pretty marvellous – I thought that was very sweet.  Of course, it does mean that I’m now older than the Doctor, which is a bit depressing, but I suppose it was going to happen at some point.

Unbelievably, I’ve been going on for a while now and can’t think of one bad thing to say.  Perhaps this being charitable thing has got to me.

I imagine that I’ll just have to save my bile and rage for Torchwood when it comes back.  I would say for the Christmas special but Kylie’s in that and nobody could be mean about her.  I remember when she was Charlene, you know.  Long ago that was.

One final question.  Do you think that the Belgium reference was an homage to Douglas Adams or is it just that nobody likes the place?

Anyway, top marks.  10 out 10.  They can do that again next year.

Don't you want me baby?

Well, that was another cracking example of getting adventurous and trying something new, wasn’t it?  A human Doctor, eh?  Definitely not something that I would have thought of before.

According to a friend of mine in work (Well, I say friend because there’s a slight chance that he might read this, but you know…) this story is based on a book that Paul Cornell has written previously.  Not having read the book, I had no idea what was going to happen nor why (initially) this had come about.

It really is nice living spoiler free and actually having things be surprising once in a while.

My money’s on the inhabiting/possessing thing.

So, there’s this mysterious “Family” who for some reason require a Time Lord and they can smell what  species you are - Parties round their house must be a blast – They have these odd weapons that wouldn’t look out of place in Blake’s Seven (or Classic Who, come to that) and they can either inhabit other peoples bodies or can change shape to look like other people.  My money’s on the inhabiting/possessing thing.

In order to avoid these people the Doctor takes the rather drastic step of turning himself into a human.  You know that sentence makes for very strange reading no matter how many times I go over.  I suppose my initial thought would be “Since when did the Doctor run from an enemy?”  Even old grumpy Doctor One stood and fought (eventually) when he was being chased thorough time and space by the Daleks, but this latest chap runs away from a family whose only apparent threat is the ability to smell (Which a good deodorant should be able to take care of).

And why would he just happen to have a chameleon arch (or whatever it was) hanging around the control room?  He said that he never thought he’d use it, so why was it there at all?  Did he think that he might wake up one day with a hankering to know what it felt like to be a tree frog or something?  It just makes no sense to have something that you never think that you’re going to use so close to hand.

I just want to add here that I thought DT did  a very good job of being Mr John Smith.  He was quiet, a little more English than ususal and just great in the role.  I don't think that this characterisation would suit the Doctor, but he did very well as an old style school teacher.

So, the TARDIS decides to create a back story for the Doctor in 1913 and he settles into the life for about two months.  Martha gets herself a job as a maid instead of, oh I don’t know, staying in the TARDIS, keeping the watch safe and popping out once in a while to keep an eye on the Doctor.  Why did she need to work in the school?  It’s not like she needed to money and she’s doesn’t exactly fit in terribly well, what with her suffragette notions of drinking inside a pub and the like.

what it felt like to be a tree frog

If you think about it, if she had stayed in the TARDIS with the watch, then she could never have dropped any hints to the maid about leaving for the stars or about how special the Matron was and Timothy would never have nicked the watch and opened it at inopportune times.

Talking of Timothy, don’t you think that it was pretty mean of Liam Neeson to ship him off to boarding school just because he’d learnt to play the drums?  Speaking of which, the Doctor was doing a fairly good Hugh Grant impression when Matron was hinting at being asked to the dance.  I don’t know if I should still call him the Doctor as he’s really just Mr John Smith.  Maybe that’s being just a little bit too pedantic.

If the Doctor was hidden and the TARDIS powered down so as not to attract attention, how did the Family manage to pick that era on that planet?  The chances against picking the right time and place out of anywhere in the universe must have been (if you’ll pardon the pun) astronomical.

So, back to the plot and young Banes who wanders out into the woods and happens to stand right next to the Family’s landing site.  This man’s uncanny ability to be in the “right” place is further evidenced by the fact that he manages to open the door on an invisible spaceship with his second hit.  This man should play Roulette – He’d break the bank in no time!

the ability to sniff visibly

I have to say that this chap was seriously creepy after he’d been possessed (Not that he was a model of normality beforehand).  I can’t work out if it was the little smile, the staring, the head tilt or a combination of all of it.  Certainly the ability to sniff visibly must have played a part in the Casting Directors decision.

Whilst the Doctor falls for Daisy the Matron, Timothy nicks his watch and causes all sorts of difficulties.  Did anybody else think that Matron was being a little too forward with the Doctor?  She first tells him to call her Joan, then starts calling him John without his permission.  She then more or less tells him to invite her to the dance and a bit later points out what good wives nurses make.  All this before snogging him.  I mean how brazen is this woman?  Mind I did half expect a wittier retort from the Doctor when she asked him if he could dance.  Something along the lines of “Well, it depends what you mean by dancing…” or “It depends on the partner” But, then he is just John Smith and not the Doctor.

And why is Matron calling herself Jessica Hynes now?  She was Jessica Stevenson when she was doing Spaced – Is this an attempt to distance herself from the comedic days or has she just decided to change her stage name for a laugh?

When Timothy opened the watch, I’m sure there was snippets of the future popping up as well as the past.  I recognised a lot of the images, but there were definitely a couple that were new.  When you consider that he also saw himself dying during the war, I think we’ve had a little sneak preview of things to come over the next few weeks.  And there’s me been trying to avoid spoilers.

Actually you’ve got to feel sorry for the wee lad, really.  Not only is he telepathic and possesses a conscience, but he gets beaten by five other people merely for not feeding the ammo belt properly.  Did they take turns hitting him or did he need a few people to hold him down whilst the biggest one laid into him?  That did seem a little excessive to me – But then I did agree with him that it’s not exactly sporting to use machine guns to mow down ten thousand D'watushi warriors armed to the teeth with kiwi fruit and guava halves.

Of course, they aren’t the only bullying ‘muscle’ of the piece are they?  There’s the homage to Jon Pertwee with the attack of the scarecrows.  Although they owed more to Batman Begins than they did Worzel Gummidge.  I must say, though, that even these characters were a little sinister and creepy.  I do wonder where the Family came by quite so many scarecrows or indeed had the time to make them all.  They were only there for half a day or so before them mobilised the troops.  Unless of course they happened to have a hold full of scarecrows just in case they ever needed them.  Now that’s planning ahead.

WOULD YOU GET OVER IT ALREADY!!

Talking of Doctor Three, I did like the drawings in his little book, especially the previous Doctors page – Although it did remind me of one of the anniversary covers that Radio Times did a while ago.  And how could anybody make sense of that book?  He’d written his dreams down in the form of fiction, he said.  Apparently, he’d also fictionalised grammar, spacing and any of the more normal methods one uses to write stories.  Poor Nursie didn’t stand a chance.  She probably just glanced at the pictures then handed it back with a soothing tone saying “That was very good”

My only complaint (honestly it’s the only one.  Everything else is merely observation) would be Martha’s lament that he fell in love with a human that wasn’t her.

WOULD YOU GET OVER IT ALREADY!!  This is really starting to annoy me now.  Okay, so he’s quite cute and exciting in an intergalactic kind of way and he may have saved her life a few times, but really let it go.  Why can’t she just hang out with the man and make out with random spacemen like she did last week?  Really that’s the only problem I had with this weeks episode.

Whilst I’m talking about Martha – What do you suppose she was going to call him before she settled for a sound slap instead?  “Oh you complete…” she said and then whacked him one.  I’d like to think that as is Doctor Who and not Torchwood, she would have settled for “complete git”, but you never can tell these days, can you?

Finally, wasn’t that a fun little cliff hanger?  Does the Doctor save the maid who he’s already dismissed from service or the nurse who has already slipped him the tongue?  Hmm, let me think….

This all seems to have been some kind of stream of consciousness this week, doesn’t it?  Sorry about that.  I’m sure once Doctor Who starts to make sense and explain what’s going on then so will I.

Should have gone at night...

When I first heard that this episode was going to be called “42” I automatically assumed that there was going to be some Hitch Hikers Guide, Ultimate Answer, Mulder’s apartment, Mouse related hi-jinks running through the story.  See, I’ve managed to avoid nearly all the spoilers that have been bandied around about this series and I have to say that I enjoy seeing them without knowing exactly what’s going to happen.

So the whole real time thing was something of a surprise for me when I’d worked it out.  It’s good to see that they’re still experimenting with the show and the format.  It worked well enough to a point last year in Love and Monsters (that point being, of course, Peter Kay in a latex suit designed by a nine year old) but I’m less sure this year.  I don’t want to go on about it, but there really wasn’t any need for it.  The fact that Eddie the shipboard computer kept keeping track made no difference to the pace of the story and did nothing to increase my excitement or anxiety and didn’t make me root for our heroes any more than if there wasn’t this tight, heavily laboured, timetable.  I’m a big fan of 24 and I have to admit that six days on, I’m still a big sucker for the countdown clock.  That makes a difference and really keeps the tension going.

This?  Not so much.

Which isn’t to say that I didn’t enjoy it and didn’t find it exciting and a little tense.  Because I did.  It’s just that the real time aspect was a little lost and, in my opinion, unnecessary.

But full marks for giving it a go.  I’d like to see more attempts to think outside the box or whatever the management phrase is these days.

Anyway, where was I?

Anyway, enough of gimmicks and experimentation.  What about the show, proper?

I enjoyed it.  Really, I did.  There was action, excitement and tension.  Some good acting and some setting up of stories for coming episodes.

I like the fact that they’re developing the story arc angle in Doctor Who.  There was too much episodic amnesia in days gone past, when no matter what happened it would all be forgotten by the next story.  Whilst I admit that it can go too far, a little continuity is a good thing.  I tried to watch a random episode of Highlander the other day (one of the later series – He’d cut his hair).  Whilst I picked up on the fact there was this evil entity/Q type character harassing poor Duncan who was no longer carrying a sword, I had no clue who he was or what was really going on.  So, whilst I applaud the theory of the story arc, you have to fill in enough of the back story each time to educate the occasional watcher (there’s another Highlander reference for you).

Anyway, where was I?

The programme starts with a slight nod to the past, with the Doctor activating Martha’s Universal Roaming feature on her mobile.  Now I’ve checked the settings on my ‘phone and I can’t find that option.  Perhaps I need to hit it with a screwdriver.  On a side note, are we going to see Martha’s family calling her up all the time now?  As her mum has issues with the Doctor and has left her messages on her home ‘phone shouldn’t she be chasing Martha up all the time?  I don’t remember this happening on screen at all last time, but, at least, there was reference to Mickey calling up to get help with the whole school-being-taken-over-by-aliens thing.

As I said.  Anyway.

We get straight into the action with a brief introduction to the crew, highlighting the problem and getting rid of the obvious means of escape.  Most of the crew just seemed like roughly sketched outlines – We never really learnt anything about them.  Cindy was married to a chap that kept her honest (suggesting that it wasn’t her natural state), Orin had argued with his mum and Erinna felt put upon and wished she was dead.  That’s it.  Everybody else was just cannon fodder.  No emotional investment there at all.  It’s not like the Impossible Planet/Satan Pit, where every one of them had some kind of backstory to play with.

Although, they did do well with what they had.  I don’t think that there was a bad performance amongst them.  Well, except when they were wandering round the ship pretending to be Darth Vader, but I’m fairly sure that was meant to menacing.  Of course, the problem with casting people who are well known from other programmes is that one goes into the show with certain expectations.  Okay, I didn’t expect Michelle Collins to wander in with a broad cockney accent, sleep with everybody and then try to get the Doctor killed before eloping with any children around (I think that’s what Cindy did anyway).  But I do like the fact that she didn’t fall back into what must be a comfort zone of one note acting (which happens more often than I’d like to think about).  Mind you, I think that the Ripley/GI Jane vest helped get her into character.

Which is why this is such a short paragraph.

Talking of people being impressive in the acting stakes.  Young Freema continues to impress, don’t you think?  The character of Martha is definitely making her own mark and isn’t just a Rose replacement.  The dynamic is totally different and Martha seems to be more of a match for the Doctor.  Freema does a great job bringing the part to life and I’m impressed with her range and abilities.  No complaints about that from me – Which is why this is such a short paragraph.

My Martha highlights from this episode include another example of her being a clever, studenty-type and attempting to read the manual before popping the Doctor into the stasis chamber.  It’s nice to see that not everybody can automatically recognise and use any old piece of alien tech that they come across.  The other moment for me was when she was trapped in the escape pod and asked Orin if he had a girlfriend and with barely a pause she added or a boyfriend.  It shows that she’s adapting to the more relaxed attitude toward sexuality that our future holds than Rose ever did.

One final moment of praise for this episode before I voice a few more critical opinions.  When the escape pod was launched out into space, I thought that the silence was far more effective and moving than any amount of dramatic music would have been.  That was a very impressive, understated moment.

So, what bothered me about it and is it fair to spend so long praising the programme to then turn around and start poking holes in it?  Who cares?  It’s fun.

at least I wouldn’t die with a squint.

Firstly, when those poor cannon fodder type people who were killed and were burnt into a mural (which  was a bit Terry Pratchett).  Why did they all die with their arms akimbo in that manner?  I mean, if I were to ever find myself staring into the light of  a thousand suns (or whatever) then I’m pretty sure that I’d put my arm across my eyes in order to shade them from the bright light.  I admit that in the grand scheme of things, it wouldn’t help in the slightest but at least I wouldn’t die with a squint.

Now, I’ve praised Martha and Freema a lot this week, but what of the Doctor and David?  To be fair, Mr T. didn’t bother me with his portrayal this week– There wasn’t much in the way of shouting and I don’t think that he was that annoying this week.

However, the Doctor just didn’t do it for me.  I’ve come to the decision that he doesn’t cope well under pressure.  Normally when we see him in action, he has plenty of time “off camera” for his little panic attacks and moments of self-doubt, but as this was all in ‘real-time’ he just couldn’t hide it.  In the space of 42 minutes he whined  “I don’t know how much longer I can last!” told Martha how very scared he was and did lots of screaming like a big girls blouse.

He soon changed his tune once someone called his bluff

When Martha popped him into the stasis chamber, the temperature hadn’t even hit zero before he started squalling like a baby.  Now, I’m not a Time Lord, but even I can stand a freezing temperature for longer than that before I even think about blubbing.  All this “I can take –200 degrees C” was just so much bluster.  He soon changed his tune once someone called his bluff, though, didn’t he?

(I’ve never been entirely sure about the phrase “Big girls blouse”.  Is it meant to refer to the blouse of a larger lady or a large blouse belonging to a lady of undetermined size?  I suppose it all depends on the apostrophe.)

Don’t even get me started on “Go on my son!” when he managed to open that panel.  As far as I know, he hadn’t just come from the seventies, so why that particular idiom appeared I have no idea.  I just hope that it doesn’t come back again any time soon.

And how many times did he need to repeat “It’s alive!” when staring into the sun?  He was starting to sound like Doctor Frankenstein at the end there.

They’re setting it up to next year’s main villain!

I’m sure that there’s a very good reason for this, but why did the spacesuit that he put on look so very similar to the one that he was wearing last year during Impossible Planet/Satan Pit?  It even had the same lights in the helmet that did nothing to help him see, but did look a bit flash.  I remember the Babylon 5 helmets had the same design.  I have a theory about this suit, actually.  I think it’s following him.  They’re setting it up to next year’s main villain!  Everywhere he goes he’s going to start noticing this suit just hanging around like some half played game of chess.  It’ll be like the alien symbiote costume that kept trying to bond with Peter Parker.  Slowly and with little warning it’ll become forever part of him.  Perhaps the suit will have a backbone in it.

So leaving the Doctor whimpering in the corner, what else bothered me?

I’m not to sure how the Darth Vader wannabe could have been quite so precise hammering away at the such little buttons when trying to launch Martha into deep space (or deep sun).  Have you ever tried dialling a ‘phone or operating a remote control whilst wearing gardening gloves?  It’s not that easy, you know.  Even a pair of Marigolds would make it difficult, so those heavy welders’ gloves would be useless for such quick and precise button pushing.  They should have been bigger, proper pushbuttons to accommodate big hands in cumbersome gloves.

Then we had the living sun thing.  Okay, I may not be entirely positive that there aren’t aliens that look like large balls of flaming gas, but you can’t really blame Cindy for not scanning for life on a sun.  You just wouldn’t expect that kind of weirdness, would you?  And anyway, how did they get so close to the sun in order to mine it’s heart (or whatever it was that they did to get fuel) when everybody started to panic when they were almost an hour away from it?  Did they mine by remote control?  If so why didn’t whatever they use melt when it got that close?  This made no sense to me.

I don’t want to sound totally negative, so I’ll just mention a couple more moments that I did enjoy (which I’ve just remembered).

trying to play a Mozart symphony on your telephone keypad

I did like the idea of them setting the security lock-down questions whilst drunk.  I can imagine them sitting round a pile of empties talking about what to do if they get invaded by Space Pirates (or Ice Pirates) and then coming up with the idea of trivia questions.  It’s just an extension of the “Security Questions” that you get asked whenever you ‘phone one of these faceless, off-shore corporations and dare to actually want to talk to a real person rather than trying to play a Mozart symphony on your telephone keypad.

There was a certain drunken logic to it.  It’s just as well it wasn’t too good a night otherwise they’d never have been able to remember even doing, let alone what the answers were.  On which note – How many men would choose either orange or purple as their favourite colour.  And then forget what their favourite colour was?

Finally (you’ll be glad to know – If you made it this far) I have a couple of questions.

Mrs Jones is now in cahoots with Mr Saxon and his goons and it’s election day.  My question isn’t “What are cahoots?” but is “Is this an election for Prime Minister?” and if so “Where does he hang out now?”  Did they rebuild Downing Street after all that exploding business at the end of Word War 3?  Has it ever been mentioned?  I don’t recall anybody talking about it, but I suppose it could have been reconstructed.  It’ll probably look exactly the same as it did before, too.  Odd that.

Last one.  Why was the Doctor looking so pensive and glum at the end there?  Was it because he’d shown himself up as such a girlie wimp or is there more sinister brooding afoot?

Oh well, we’ll find out eventually.

Still, when it’s all said and done.  I enjoyed that one.  Flaws and all.

Good show.

Notes from a small island

I’ve been a bit busy this week and I’m afraid that I’ve not found the time to sit down and work up a proper article.  I’m aware that it’s Thursday already and the next episode is on in two days – So I won’t have time to go to print before that.

Just so you don’t think that I’ve forgotten you all, I’ve decided to post my initial “bullet point” thoughts in case anybody’s interested.

Trust me, the proper review would have been tremendous…

• Gamma radiation – I’m not Bruce Banner, but do they pass through the Earth that easily?  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to be facing the sun when the sun spot thing burst?  They could have at least filmed during the daytime.  Why did it have to be night when all the “action” took place?  There must be tall buildings in Japan that would have been just as useful and FACING THE RIGHT WAY!!!

• Lightning = 1.21 gigawatts of power.  (What the hell’s a gigawatt?) Wouldn’t that hurt more than it appeared to?

• Kaaaaaaaaaaahhhhnnnn!!

• Wouldn’t it be nice if the Dalek in “Dalek” was Caan?  That would explain where he came from.  And tidy things up.

• I really liked Sek’s idea – It would have be Kaleds reborn and hopefully not as quite such nutters.

• We seemed to have forgotten to take Martha home.  Except the next week trailer seems to show fun and games with the family.  Episode 6 before we meet the family again – Much better than the last one.

• Gammon radiation!  That’s why they were pigs.

• Poor resolution to an ever poorer cliff-hanger.  Sek introduced himself and then the Doctor ran away.  Total waste of a two parter.

• New York just isn’t healthy for Hugh Quarshie.  Last time he was there he got his head chopped off and this time he gets zapped.  He’s better off in Holby.

• I really wanted to like this episode without reservation, but there was so much there that just screamed “This is totally ridiculous!”

• Why didn’t Caan just shoot the Doctor rather than just running away?  He had enough power for the temporal shift, so there should have been enough for a quick zap.  That’s taking thinking outside the box a bit too far.

• Lazlo would have been better of with PT Barnum than in Hooverville.  What will happen once the economy gets back on it's feet?  Actually people are still asking that 70 years later.

No-one South Of Heaven's Gonna Treat You Finer

That was better.  It made a little more sense that last week and still managed to be exciting and gripping.  So I was happier.

I was a little worried (Which is not a Dalek concept, apparently) when Lazlo was accosted by the pig monster in the pre-credits, but it picked up once the Doctor and Martha appeared.  I especially liked the fact that the Beeb splashed out on the royalties for a couple of proper tunes.  I mean you can’t have a shot of New York without Gershwin in the background now can you?

I thought that the digital effects were particularly impressive throughout this whole episode.  I didn’t mention this last week, what with being too busy trying to understand what the hell was going on, but they were very good last week too.  All the backdrops of New York looked spot on (in as much as I’m any expert on the sky line of 1930’s New York) and it all just blended perfectly.

That’ll be the ones with the snouts and dubious personal habits, then.

The make up wasn’t quite so smooth ‘though.  I really didn’t like the pig slave things.  Although I assume that their masks were cheaper to make than the Judoon masks, as we saw them in larger groups than just the one.  I just couldn’t look at Lazlo (post ‘pigification’) without thinking of the classic Pigsy from Monkey.  Perhaps that was some kind of homage that I just missed.

In fact, why pigs at all?  If the Daleks were just looking for a bit of muscle and a few hands to work all those pesky handles, why not just wipe their victims memories and make them compliant slaves who could be seen on the streets without causing mass panic?

And why did the pig slaves (who were a bit of a step down from Ogrons don’t you think?) all wear exactly the same outfit?  Was it so the Daleks could redilly recognise who was working for them?  That’ll be the ones with the snouts and dubious personal habits, then.  And anyway, if they were kidnapped from Hooverville, wouldn’t they just be wearing whatever clothes they were taken in?  Where did the Daleks find such a large amount of cloth and who made all the outfits?  Did they perhaps pick up Betsy Ross on their trip through American history?  At least Mr Diagoras was still wearing his suit once he became the Human-Dalek.  It would have been a bit of a squeeze to fit a changing room inside Dalek Sek, too.

Now I might have missed something here, but what were the ‘Etheric beam locators’, or Dalek bumps if you prefer, for exactly and why did they need to be placed at the top of the tower with such urgency?  According to my Technical Manual these bumps are called ‘Sense Globes’ and they apparently "react to changes in external conditions and relay data on temperature, humidity, movement and the presence of animal life to the control chamber for analysis".  That’s where the Dalek lives by the way, in the control chamber.  So the only reason I can see for these things to be fitted would be if the Daleks wanted some kind of thermometer rigged up to see what the weather was like.

Here’s a clue – At 1,453 feet up it’s going to be damn cold!  And any animal life is going to be a bird or maybe Spiderman in his thermal Spidey suit.

Speaking of things that made very little sense.

It just seems like an odd thing for them to be so concerned about.  They could just open a window or pop out onto the observation deck if they needed to know that badly.

I know it helped move the plot along, but why was there a Dalek amoeba thing just sitting around in the  sewer?  The Doctor was nowhere near a lab and somehow I don’t imagine that one of the pig men happened to be carrying a tray of blobs around for one to conveniently ooze off onto the floor to be discovered.  That just made very little sense.

Speaking of things that made very little sense.  What was the thinking behind Dalek Sek’s little plan there?  He wants to improve the Dalek races chances of survival by turning himself and, assumedly the other three Daleks, into some kind of human/Dalek hybrid.  How is this going to work out?  There are millions of humans and only four Daleks.  This is because the humans weren’t invited to the great Time War that wiped out almost the entire Dalek race.  It has nothing to do with the humans being better at surviving and more to do with the fact that they don’t keep annoying the Doctor.

a squid in a sharp suit with a New Yorker’s attitude.

And how exactly does he plan to regain his supremacy, now?  Whereas before he was a kick ass killing machine with regenerative powers, a force field, a hugely powerful gun and the ability to fly now he’s a squid in a sharp suit with a New Yorker’s attitude.  Which, thinking about it, may actually be enough.

I can only assume that next week will bring some new super power that will make the masses cower before him, instead of just pointing and laughing.

I know that I’m not exactly keen on this whole “let’s keep brining back the bad guys” idea, but if you do insist on making the Daleks live on all the time I hope that the next lot we meet are going to be pepper pots again.  You can’t just destroy forty years of iconic baddieness just for a quick cliff hanger.

Are we to assume that this is the same Pictionary playing Daleks Sek and Thay that we met in Torchwood Towers at the end of Season Two?  I know that Sek ran away with his “emergency temporal shift” trick, but did that automatically take the other three with him?  Perhaps the names Sek and Thay are just very common on Skaro.  Are they perhaps the equivalent of Smith and Jones within the Cult of Skaro?

There was more of the supposed Gay agenda to this week when, after being reunited, the Doctor told both Martha and Frankie that they could kiss him later, if they wished. I’m actually not to bothered about this new trend.  I know it causes a degree of ill will amongst fans, but I think that it’s in keeping with the new attitude that has been prevalent in the show pretty much since it came back. It ties in with the real Captain Jack’s attitude (the one from Doctor Who, not his boring twin from Torchwood) to sex which obviously the Doctor would have picked up on too.  He’s been around more than Jack and so would have encountered and enjoyed a similar perspective on the whole thing.

As coincidence would have it, there’s a current thread on the Empire movie forum (In the Off Topic section, naturally) that addresses this same subject (It can be found here, if you’re interested).  Now admittedly it appears that female ‘experimentation’ is more acceptable than male, but it shows that times are changing and when we get to Jack’s era we may well be more flexible, as it were.  I imagine that it would help.

Anyway, he’s into musical theatre

I think Martha (or should I say Freema) did very well again this week.  I did like the business with the lipstick when she was talking to Tallulah, it just seemed so natural.  Two girlies having a chat about men and she just picks up the lippy and tries it out to see if it’s her colour.  It just felt right, like ladies would do when they were bonding.  I have to say that I really do think that Martha’s just going to get better and batter as time progresses.  She’s a bit bright, too, isn’t she?  I couldn’t tell you when the Wall Street crash happened, but she knew the year straight off.  She’s a bright lass.

Except I do wish she’d get over this crush she’s got on the Doctor.  Eventually, these romantic feelings should wear off and be replaced by a much more solid friendship.  Please stop mooning over the man – He’s not capable of returning your love/lust.  Anyway, he’s into musical theatre.  I have to say that I did chuckle when Tallulah said that.

Stayting with Tallulah for one more moment.  Did she never think it was odd that there was a manhole cover in the theatre?  I admit that I’ve not been backstage in that many off Broadway theatres, but is it common to have sewer access in your dressing room?  Although, if you think about it, things would have been much easier for the Phantom of the Opera if he’d thought of it.

One last thought.  The Daleks have been to the Empire State Building before.  Or should I say will go there again?  During The Chase, Doctor One and Co popped by briefly whilst being chased through time and space by the Daleks.  According to Peter Purvis the year was 1966 which makes it thirty odd years later than the events unfolding at the moment (if you know what I mean).  Would this mean that the Dalek bumps/Sense Globes/Etheric Beam Locators were still be there and if so, why didn’t the Daleks of 1966 mention them at all?

I know that in ‘reality’ they didn’t mention them because nobody had written about them being up there for another forty years, but it’ll be interesting to see if somebody remembers to take them down to avoid that sort of thing cropping up.

Anyway, roll on next week.  I avoided the “Next Week” spoiler as the nice man warned me about it, so I have no idea what’s going to happen.  I do wonder if there’s going to be some kind of confrontation with the Doctor at some point though…

The Emblem of Suffering and Shame

What the hell was that?  I’d been lured into a false sense of security with the first two episodes and then BAM!  Russell T is back on form.

In honour of this episode I've decided to write my review in a the same manner that this episode took - It makes no sense and goes nowhere.

Initially I wondered what the American Gothic couple were doing in Doctor Who.  I tried looking for a pitchfork, but even on an almost frame by frame scan I couldn’t see one.  They bore no relation to the rest of the programme.  Were any of the characters called Grant Wood and I missed it?

Now, I’m not up in my art, but there is a painting of a bowler hatted man in a pin-striped suit with an apple for a face (It was featured in the remake of The Thomas Crown Affair).  The last car that the Doctor visited had a chap dressed like that (without the apple).  Was each car occupant meant to be an homage to famous works of art?  If so, who painted the Wookie/werewolf cross that was in the fast lane?  The whole art thing was just odd.  Things didn’t get any more normal after that.

BAM!  Russell T is back on form.

My first reaction once the show had finished was something of a paraphrase from The New Adventures of Superman and went something like “How Galacticly stupid were they?”  What would cause these thousands (if not millions)  of people to spend decades driving round in circles in the hope of a better life?  It makes the M25 seem like a safe bet.

Let me see if I’ve got the timeline straight here.

In the year 50,000,000,029 the entire Senate dies and a cat with a big head takes over.
In the year 50,000,000,030 people start leaving New New York and heading out to the suburbs.
In the year 50,000,000,053 out heroes arrive on New Earth and start interfering.

For example, the married ladies (whose name I don’t recall) had been travelling for 23 years – They were among the first to leave you see.  Are you telling me that they hopped in the car following Boe’s promise of a better life and it still took them all that time to travel 10 miles?  There weren’t all those cars on the motorway way back then, so  they wouldn’t have been gridlocked.  They could have made the journey, found all the exits closed, then turned round again and been back the same day.

So, why did it take them 23 years to get not further than it did Bannigan?  Martha’s kidnappers made it to their destination within minutes once they were in the “fast lane” and found the way blocked.  By that theory, the sisters and the rest of the “first ones” could have been there and back within the day.

a vapour trail of carbon gases all along the galaxy

And what’s with all the hymn singing?  Assuming Christianity is still an active faith 50 billion years in the future why would all the aliens and cat people have adopted it enough to sing a hymn that was really old and referencing crucifixion, which was quite an unpleasant way to behave.  I just didn’t understand the whole religious angle.  They had faith in the system, but nobody ever said that God was in charge of that system, so why sing to Him about it.

And why did these highly advanced flying cars with little blue lights on the bottom kick out so much exhaust anyway?  Unless of course the lights were there in some kind of homage to the Torchwood mobile.  Are we meant to believe that mankind has travelled 50,000 light years across interstellar distances and they left a vapour trail of carbon gases all along the galaxy?

How exactly did the Doctor recognise the Macra so readily?  They weren’t exactly wearing nametags were they?  Does he have an Eye-Spy book of Alien life forms?  If so, he shouldn’t already have ticked them off.  They didn’t really look like the Macra of the old days, did they?  Okay, so they were giant crabs, but they can’t be the only race of mutant crustaceans out there can they?  There are enough practically human looking aliens that we’ve encountered over the years, that I don’t think we can really put our faith in the old adage that “If it walks (sideways) like a Macra and has claws like a Macra then it’s a Macra” because there's just not enough evidence either way.  I think he was just trying to sound clever.

And what happened to the Macra at the end anyway?  As they were gas feeders, are we to assume that they just died out when there was no exhaust left to eat?  How many of them were there?  Assuming that the motorway was only 10 miles long and that it was all as full as the bit that Martha and Co. encountered, there would be thousands and thousands of them down there.   That's a lot of Crabby Patties!

A couple of plus points about the show, as I’ve been a little negative so far.  There was some more continuity between previous stories and new ones.  The obvious one was the Face of Boe appearing on New Earth again and the slightly more obscure was the Macra coming back, albeit briefly and in a less impressive role.  It’s been almost exactly 40 years since we saw them last and it wasn’t exactly a stand out episode then, but it was nice to see another link to the old days.

I didn’t think of Father Dougal or George Sunday once

There was a little bad continuity in there, too.  I thought that the Doctor a little too shouty again this week.  I don’t know why the drug/mood pushers cleared off – He wasn’t that forceful, domineering or scary.  Just loud.

Still, I thought that the cat make up was excellent again and I thought that Ardal O’Hanlon did an excellent job in the role - I didn’t think of Father Dougal or George Sunday once.  Which was quite a feat.

So, what exactly did the face of Boe mean when he said that the Doctor was “the last of [his] kind”  but also that he was “not alone”?  If he’s the last, he’s the last.  If he’s not alone then there’s somebody else.  Which was it?

I daresay we’ll find out eventually.

The more I think about this episode, the worse it gets.  It made no sense to me at all.  I just hope the next week brings better stories and more sense.  I’m particularly interested to find out how you know who survived yet again after being wiped out twice already.

Final thought - Cats and humans are sexually compatible are they?  That should come as a relief to Danny John Jules at least.

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

I’m a bit miffed today.  I was rather hoping that this episode would be worse than it was.  See I’d already got the title sorted out in my head if was going to be a total clanger.  "Never was a story of more woe, than this of Martha and her second show".  See, it would have been brilliant!  But they had to go and make it really quite good.  I’m not saying it was perfect, but still a lot better than it could have been.

But nobody every asks me, do they?

It did start off a little dodgy, though.  The minstrel/suitor chap who was lured into the witches loft and killed/eaten/dismembered and then a piece to camera from one of the witches.  Time has passed since I saw this initially and I have given some thought to this and I suppose the idea of the witches looking like that had to come from somewhere and why not from alien invaders?  Also the addressing of the fourth wall was an interesting take on Shakespeare’s plays.  Quite often a herald or chorus would stand at the front of the stage and inform the hard of thinking (or just impatient) in the audience what was going to happen over the next couple of hours.  As it’s Easter and I’m still in a good mood about the show being back on, I decided to let them off on this occasion.  My only concern was that there was no further mention made of the young man.  At all.  Why did they feel the need to kill him?  They didn’t kill anybody else just for fun (The Master of the Revels and the barmaid just got in the way) so why him?  It just wasn’t explained and he was a throw away death for a cheap shock.  I’d have much preferred the three witches looking into a cauldron, stirring things up and then of them looks up and addresses the camera.  It would have made more sense.  But nobody every asks me, do they?

Anyway.  Young Martha is shaping up to be the perfect foil for the Doctor, don’t you think?  I liked the way that her concerns about the perils of time travel were handled.  Everybody has these issues about changing the future and ending their own line before they’re born, but I don’t remember hearing them addressed before.  It really is quite simple – Don’t step on any butterflies and as you weren’t planning on killing your grandfather (I think it needed a few greats in there) then it shouldn’t be a problem.

Despite the fact that this must all be a bit weird for her, she doesn’t let it phase her too much, either. When the Doctor suggests that she could tell everybody “back home” that she’s seen Shakespeare, she excitedly and with no small degree of scorn responds with “Then I could get sectioned!”.  I really do like the way that she won’t just kow-tow to him and accept what he says.  I far prefer this paring to that of the Doctor and um…thingy.  She could never have carried off that line – It just wouldn’t have sounded right.  Too many syllables for one thing.

My one concern over Martha is this continued infatuation that she seems to have for the Doctor.  She’s known him for a couple of days at the most and is going all doe eyed all the time.  Sharing a bed with the man and being upset that he doesn’t put any kind of moves on her.  That just seems a bit too keen to me.  Although, the Doctor really doesn’t know much about women, does he?  There he is sharing a bed with a new lady friend and he’s banging on about how wonderful his last companion was.  Even if he’s not interested, it does lack a certain degree of tact.  I hope that she soon gets over this crush, so she can get on with being tough and independent.

the Robbie Williams of his time

Mr Shakespeare.  Rather a  contemporary take on the great man.  I realise that it wasn’t all iambic pentameter back then, but it just seemed like he was a  little too “modern”.  Although, I did like Martha’s attempt at speaking in ye olde English when she first met though.  It was a clever and amusing nod to last year when the Doctor’s old assistant tried to talk in a Scots dialect.

I suppose the idea was to make Shakespeare the Robbie Williams of his time.  He seemed very weary and resigned to his public visiting him but I don’t know if anybody ever would have troubled him for an autograph.  Wasn’t most the population illiterate back then?  They wouldn’t know a scribble on a bit of paper from any other scribble on a bit of paper.  I just don’t see that being an issue.

One thing did bother me.  Well obviously more than one, but you know what I mean.  Why was it so important that Shakespeare wrote the words?  I know that it was his madness and genius with words that brought the Carrier Knights (or whatever they called themselves – I kept missing it.  The music was a bit loud) through but as they had to tell him what to write, why did it have to be him?  Once the architect (the only man in the time period with bad teeth) had built the place, the witches could have influenced anybody to write the actual words.  As the actors proved, it didn’t have to be Will that spoke the “spell”, so in theory it didn’t need to he him that wrote it.  Did it?

Anyway, if Shakespeare was meant to be such a great wordsmith and genius, why did he get so many of his most famous quotes from the Doctor over the space of a day?

the only man in the time period with bad teeth

I did think that after all this excitement, that Shakespeare’s next play would be about witches and the like, but he didn’t write the Scottish play for another five years.  Was he perhaps too traumatised before, or something?

And who knew about his family?  I must admit that when he started talking about his son Hamnet having died young, I thought that the script writer was making a little joke about Hamlet (Which was the next play).  But a quick look on Wiki and it appears that our William had three children, one of whom was a boy called Hamnet that did indeed die at an early age.  It would also appear that a number of his sonnets were addressed to “His Dark Lady” which is how he addressed Martha at the end.  And people say that Doctor Who isn’t educational!

We did see a little touch of the old smugness about the Doctor this week.  I’ve replayed the scene where the Doctor and Martha and looking for the witches and he’s explaining the consequences of time travel by referencing Back to the Future.  I just can’t work out if he says Marty or Martin McFly.  I’m sure it’s the former.  Anyway, my point is that he was just being pedantic when Martha asked if he meant the film of Back to the Future and he rather condescendingly snapped “No, the novelisation!”.  Well, I happen to have a copy of that book and I’ve checked.  Sure enough (and unsurprisingly) the plot follows exactly the same story as the film, so it could easily have been either.  He was just being a bit of a prat, there.  I hope it this doesn’t foreshadow a return to his old ways.

Another little look into the Doctor’s backstory again this week.  He no longer has a ‘proper’ name.  Or at least it’s been so long since he used it, the he doesn’t seem to remember it anymore.  Is this all leading somewhere or is it just more depth?  Will we ever find out?

And finally, what exactly does the Doctor do to reigning monarchs that make them dislike him so much?

Alias or Alas?

Well, I’m back.  I must apologise for my long absence (If it was noticed) but there was all this employment stuff going on that rather needed my attention and by the time that was all sorted out it was too late to post anything.

I did watch The Runaway Bride, in January I think, and then did the last three episodes of Torchwood almost back to back and after which I needed a long lie down in a darkened room just to stop my brain melting.  But I did enjoy the Sarah Jane Adventures.

I was quite expecting the shine to have gone from the show

So, months passed and now here we are.  It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve just finished watching the first episode of new series of Doctor Who.  My initial reaction would really have to be one of happiness and satisfaction.  After months of the endless dirge that Torchwood became and a sub-standard Christmas “special” I was quite expecting the shine to have gone from the show and didn’t really think that it would be up to much.

I was quite happy to be wrong.  I really enjoyed Smith and Jones.  I feel that it hardly put a foot wrong. If I were to gripe a little bit I’d have to ask why somebody felt that the Judoon would be particularly menacing.  I mean, space rhinos?  I think that they just looked incredibly silly.  Rather like the Sontarans (Who I’m sure inspired the look of the armour) they looked tough and scary in full battle dress, but take off the helmet and your looking at either Mr Potato Head or a warty rhinoceros with bad teeth (If there’s any other kind).  They just lacked any sense of real menace.  Well on TV, they did at least.  I’m sure if a seven foot bipedal rhino started harassing me and threatening to shoot me, I’d probably be a little more intimidated.

In fact, a normal, run of the mill type rhino did look at us in an unfriendly manner the last time we were at Longleat and that was unnerving enough.  So perhaps I’m being a little unkind.  But they did look a bit silly from where I was sitting.

that “blonde” bird he used to hang around with

It seems that somebody has taken notice of the very constructive criticism that was directed at the show over the last two years and have taken pains to address some of the more annoying concerns.  Taking the good Doctor first, I did notice a few changes to his character.

I don’t remember him shouting at all during that episode.  I liked that.  He was amusing, charming and suffering from some kind of stream of consciousness dialogue a lot of the time, but I think it worked.  I liked the new Doctor.  A little kooky, but who doesn’t need a good kook once in a while?  Then there was his claim, almost defensive in fact, that he was just passing the hospital when he detected whatever energy build up it was and honestly wasn’t looking for trouble when he stopped in to investigate.  This makes a change from the almost intentional interfering that he and that “blonde” bird he used to hang around with used to get up to.  Perhaps the loss of thingy has humbled him somewhat and taken the wind out of his smug sails.  Whatever the reason I approve.

He also lost the sonic screwdriver in this story (although he did get it back rather too quickly) so he couldn’t rely on it to win through in the end.  Which I was really quite glad about.  Too many times last year did that damn thing get used for all sorts until it became a joke.  I especially liked the locking of the door by simply turning the lock rather than zapping it.  Same effect only much quicker and far less annoying.

Whilst I’m on the subject of things that got really annoying over the last couple of years, I was really worried when the Doctor said that he had to expel the radiation from one point of his body.  I inwardly cringed thinking “Here goes all potential and taste” but he instead channelled  the radiation into his left shoe (which wasn’t actually part of his body, but I’ll let them off).  It would appear that RTD has learnt his lesson and now resists the urge to throw in fart and belch gags at every opportunity.

There’s also the good continuity from series past.  I did like his approval of the hospital gift shop, as this goes back to the opener of last series (the New Earth nonsense with the silly cat nurses) where he observed that they really should have a gift shop.  I thought that was very subtle and clever.  Then there was the continued obsession with bananas.  This time we learn that the Doctor is partial to banana flavoured milkshakes.  I’m more of a strawberry man myself, but I do like the fact that there’s all these continuity references running through the show.

There is, however, one recurring theme that does give me pause.  The references to the Doctor’s family.  I know all modern characters need some kind of backstory to give them depth, but other than Susan (who I still maintain called him “Grandfather” as some kind of honorific)  he has always been alone in the universe – Picking up temporary companions to alleviate the boredom of a eternity of loneliness.  Now there are all these hints that he was a proper family man.  Last year he claimed that he was a father once and now he doesn’t have a brother anymore, the implication being that he used to.  Before he wiped his entire race, that is.

I’ve managed to avoid pretty much all spoilers for this series, so I don’t know if this is leading anywhere or whether it’s just more interesting depth for the new fans to relish and for the older generation to wail and gnash against.

Is Mr Saxon going to be the new Torchwood?

But talking about continuity and things happening from one series to the next, I think I’m right in stating that when the Doctor dies, or his body becomes unstable or whatever that he regenerates.  This hasn’t changed whilst I was away has it?  Is this does happen and the Judoon declared him deceased  after the Humphrey lady drained his blood, why didn’t he start to regenerate?  I admit that I’m glad he didn’t as I really don’t think that Matt Lucas is at all suited to take over the role but still, he was dead and even thanked Martha for saving his life, so why did he not change again?

Anyway, one more question about running themes.  Who is Mr Saxon?  The young intern who was building himself up on the news after being such a wimp on the moon said that there really are aliens and extra terrestrials out there just like Mr Saxon said.  Now perhaps I’ve missed something along the way here, but why was this man named checked in such an obvious manner?  Is Mr Saxon going to be the new Torchwood?  Are we going to be playing “spot the Saxon reference” in each episode like we did last year with everybody’s favourite super secret and slightly naff organisation?  Only time (or spoilers) will tell.

Anyway, I suppose the biggest change for everybody would have to be the new assistant.  I am so glad that Catherine Tate only popped by for one episode.  I just didn’t take to her character at all.  Can you imagine what it would be like with Matt Lucas as the Doctor and Catherine Tate as his assistant?  There would be so many catch phrases to get through that there wouldn’t be time for an actual story.  Mind you, it would cut down on production costs – If only because they’d stop making the programme after about five minutes.

Urrgghh.

Anyway, Martha Jones.  I have vague memories of the Doctor travelling with some other young ‘lady’ but have almost completely forgotten anything about her.  Wasn’t she called Tulip or Daffodil or something like that?  I think Martha is going to be a great asset to the show.  She’s smart, questioning and doesn’t take any nonsense from the Doctor.  I especially liked her “So, not at all pompous” response to his claim to be a “Time Lord” because, let’s face it, they were a bit up themselves.  Did you notice that she wasn’t as easily swayed by the “Did I mention it also travels in time” chat up line that had the other one running into the TARDIS straight away.  No, this young lady needed a bit of proof first (“Like so”) so I do wonder if she is going to be more of a Scully character, maintaining her scepticism of things rather than just taking the Doctor’s word for everything.  That might be interesting.

At least somebody misses what’s her name.

I also liked that fact that there wasn’t the usual assistant amnesia that always seemed to strike in the past, even with poor old Sarah Jane.  The Doctor is obviously still cut up about losing Chrysanthemum and isn’t ready to accept anybody new, yet.  At least somebody misses what’s her name.

I have to say that young Freema did a grand job in the role, too.  Bright, sassy and convincing – I have high hopes for her and the character.

I also can’t help but wonder if the claim for compensation that the head rhino gave her will crop up again at some point.  Nobody else was given any kind of compensation and it was never explained why she needed any.  They didn’t do anything different to her than anybody else.  Is this more story arc?

My only complain is that I really wanted to work in a bit of dialogue between the Doctor and Martha where they could say –

“Martha, there’s one thing that we’ve got to get”
“What’s that?”
“Out of this business!”

- But as it was such a good, strong episode that it just wouldn’t be fair to do that just for the sake of a quick retro reference.

From the “Next Week…” spoiler at the end of the episode (which they are still doing) we finally get to meet William Shakespeare next week.  Do we think that there is going to be a reference to the Doctor writing Hamlet for the sonnet strained Bard or is that just too obscure for the new fans?

So there you go. It’s back and so much better for the break.  If this is the shape of things to come then I’m going to be very excited over the next few weeks.

It’s good to back.

How far can you take an analogy?

The other day, my Dad sent me a few pages of last Sunday’s Independent that he’d cut out. It’s just something that he does once in a while. I just hope that they’re still making him use those round ended safety scissors.

On a completely unrelated note, I read an interview with Russell T Davies in a newspaper a couple of days ago that was talking about the later timeslot allowed for Torchwood. This is a little quote from it -

"'Screening a programme at 9pm allows more "adult writing"', Davies says. ‘I don’t mean sex or swearing; I just mean life, the beat and tick of it, Gwen in her flat with her boyfriend. It wouldn’t work so well at 7pm on a Saturday.’ "

It just seems that we’re being drip-fed vices

So, no sex or swearing in Torchwood, then. Which does rather suggest that I’ve been watching totally the wrong programme, because there certainly seemed to be an awful lot of both in this episode. It just seems that we’re being drip-fed vices. First there was swearing, then came the sex, so I assume that next it will be either drugs or perhaps rock and roll?

So what of the actual episode? I enjoyed it, but rather like eating a doner kebab it’s difficult to say why.

It all looked so interesting and appetising sitting there like a roasted elephants leg with flashy idents and promises of all sorts of interesting things and whilst you’re in the moment it’s great and you think how much fun you’re having. But afterwards, there’s nothing left but the empty packaging, a slightly odd taste in your mouth and a vague memory of having enjoyed it, but being unable to confidently put your finger on why.

I have to say that I feel the story suffered for the sake of all the rumpy pumpy – A case of too much meat in my kebab, you might say.

a roasted elephants leg

Looking at it dispassionately, what actually happened? A meteor/ship lands on earth. The team investigates and an alien escapes. Said alien inhabits a girl who then boinks a bloke to death. The team tracks her down and capture her. She escapes, goes on a rutting rampage and is then caught and killed. The end.

It’s not really all that much for fifty minutes. The rest was just padding. I suppose it was meant to be character development, but there wasn’t any of that either. The Jack Pack are all still annoyingly self centred, Gwen is all heart and sensitivity rather like the salad that allows you to convince yourself that it’s actually a healthy snack. Jack’s cool but a little mysterious, which casts him as the seasoned "lamb" left over from the lunch time trade. The only thing I learnt was that Owen is making some kind of bid to be even more annoying than he was in the first episode and that there’s obviously no kind of personality test that you need to pass before working for them. I’m sure he’s meant to be there to add the sauce but for me he was the unidentified bit of gristle that you always get and aren’t sure if it’s meant to be there or not.

every last mouthful of sex-kebab

I have questions, too. Things crop up in the memory as time passes. Questions like, should I have really have eaten that pink bit? And why do all CCTV cameras in the world of Television and movies have sound? I could just about understand having one in the entrance to the ‘facilities’ – after all, odd things can happen in there but in the normal run of events, can you imagine the noises that such a microphone would pick up? Not the sort of thing you want to think about. Especially not half way through the kebab.

And why did we need to see the bouncer watching the monitors in such a distracted fashion? It seems to be the same mindset that rammed swearing in as much as possible last episode, we’re adult now so have to cram in every last mouthful of sex-kebab that we can.

The timing was also a little worrying. The poor doomed laddie in the lavie lasted only a few heartbeats before giving up the prize our alien wanted. Given this fact, the bouncer could hardly have had chance to unzip before the climactic end. I can only imagine that he rewound the tape to watch it more than once, but to be honest I’d rather hoped that the lads explosive death would have put him off his stroke, as it were.

And talking of CCTV moments, why did the elite and highly professional Jack Pack stand around and watch the newbie get hot and heavy with an alien infested killer who kills by sex? They didn’t know that young Gwen wasn’t going to end up inside a dust-buster as quickly as the bloke with the boner in the bogs (Sorry – Love of alliteration over rode my good taste there). It just seemed like they abandoned what little adherence to character they had in the cause of a quick gag. Rather like I just did, in fact.

There were some entertaining parts. I did like Jack’s comments about the difficulty of working thorough his back catalogue of conquests. That man must have visited more kebab shops, in more corners of the galaxy than I don’t know what.

Even Garfield would turn his nose up at that one

Bringing the narrative back to food again. The "go home and eat some lasagne" was amusing, but I really hope that the lasagne they had was store bought. It looked horrible. If I made a lasagne that looked like that I’d never hear the end of it. Flat, dull coloured and limp. Even Garfield would turn his nose up at that one. Admittedly I do torture my poor wife with some less than successful culinary experiments at times, but I can always redeem myself with a gorgeous, well turned out lasagne.

Anyway, that’s enough about food for now. It’s Saturday already and I’m very late getting this posted. Tomorrow is another episode and hopefully it’ll be less a kebab and more a home made lasagne.

Take That, Doctor!

Well now, that was interesting wasn’t it?

The Beeb definitely had a lot of faith in this series. There was a huge amount of publicity and trailers including the front cover of the Radio Times. So was it worth their efforts?

Firstly there was the claim that this is an adult show. Hence the post watershed timeslot. Apparently, according to Russel T Davies’ little book of rules, all you need to be a grown up is rain, a few night shots, a little more blood and lots of swearing. Now I’ve mention before my opinion on swearing but to reiterate I can’t see the point. Occasionally, there are times when one needs to give vent to a certain degree of frustration wherein a "Oh for goodness’ sake" or if it’s really bad "Bloody Hell" but just throwing random cussing out simply because the kiddies aren’t meant to be listening just doesn’t do it for me.

'rain, a few night shots, a little more blood and lots of swearing'

And even though this show is designed to stand on it’s own there were the inevitable references to it’s parent show. I have to say I thought most of them were really quite clever. The mention of the space time rift, the ‘something’ that happened to Jack that meant he couldn’t be killed, Jack’s war service, looking for the "right kind of Doctor" and my favourite. The invisible lift that was caused by a dimensionally transcendent chameleon machine (or whatever he said) leaving a residue of it’s ability behind. Smart little references that wouldn’t detract from the story if you didn’t know your Who, but were nods to fans.

I’d love to know how many people are going to make a pilgrimage to Cardiff in order to stand in front of the fountain and accost passers by on the off chance that they won’t be seen or heard. To be honest, if I ever found myself in Cardiff (assumedly as a result of some kind of brain damage) then I would be tempted to stand there. Just to say that I’ve done it.

But it wasn’t just Doctor Who that Torchwood paid homage to, was it? These are the little references that I noticed -

#1 The rolling door with the cog wheel edging – Dead ringer for the air locks on board Deep Space Nine. They were even the same colour.

#2 Then when Jack introduced young Gwen to the Weevil I was half expecting it to say "Good evening, Clarice." Those holding cells were identical to the ones in Silence of the Lambs.

#3 And who’s idea was it to have a super secret car drawing attention to itself by copying KITT and have lights bouncing back and forth? I’m starting to see a pattern here - Michael Knight took "a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist" and Torchwood is "separate from the government, outside the police and beyond the United Nations." Perhaps in order to be truly undercover, you need lights pulsating all over your car.

#4 A little more obscure and possibly unintentional, but Captain Jack claims to have lost Torchwood 4. In Babylon 5 the fourth Babylon station (named Babylon 4, oddly) also went missing. It turns out that it was hijacked and taken back in time, so perhaps where people should start looking for Torchwood 4.

This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy

Whilst we’re on the subject of being "separate from the government, outside the police and beyond the United Nations" and so very top secret that even the Prime Minister isn’t meant to know about Torchwood, how is that every beat cop and pizzeria in Cardiff knows about them? They just seem to be taken as some kind of Special Ops team without question or checking of authorisation.

I always imagined the Torchwood organisation to be more Men In Black than that. I mean poor Will Smith was told where to live, what to wear and even had his fingerprints removed. This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy. I think they may have taken this Freedom Of Information thing a bit too far.

So what of the people who inhabit this ahem top secret world of aliens and weirdness? What about the Jack Pack? (Buffy had the Scoobies, Angel had the Fang Gang and Captain Caveman had the Teen Angels, so I figured that this little group should have a nickname of some kind) To be honest, I didn’t much care for them. It just seemed to me like they were trying too hard. They seemed to be quite unpleasant, unfeeling, self-serving types in it more for the experience than through any desire to help mankind. Which is what Queen Victoria had in mind in the beginning. All of the ensemble scenes, especially those in the Torchwood HQ, just seemed a little strained to me. Only Captain Jack seemed to be relaxed and in the groove. Maybe that was the feeling that they were trying to convey. Only by living out there and experiencing the weirdness of it all can you truly be comfortable with aliens and oddness.

Mind you, even Jack was more restrained that I remember. He’s lost some of that easy flirting charm that made him so cool. Maybe being killed and brought back to life takes it out of a chap. I mean look at the chap that they brought back to life at the beginning of the show – He wasn’t really that full of beans and charm was he?

This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy

I don’t recall if there was any mention of high IQ’s for the members of the Jack Pack (I like that name and will continue to use it) but I don’t imagine that it was much of a requirement. Take for example the murderous second in command. She chose as her murder weapon not a standard kitchen carving knife that could have come from anywhere, but a pretty darn unique Klingon-esque knife that made it easy for our heroine to snap out of her drug induced amnesia. Now I’ve not got much experience in the hack and slash field of frenzied knife attacks, but I imagine that one sharp blade is pretty much the same as another when it comes to causing violent death. It just seems like something that a covert operative would have thought of. Ah, I think I see the flaw in that argument – She was a Torchwood covert operative. By that logic she should have told everybody what she was doing long before PC Gwen ever turned up.

I did like the Weevil. I have to say that I didn’t think "Hellraiser" when I saw him for the first time - More Elephant Man meets The Howling. But I thought that the idea of leather wearing, sewer dwelling carnivore has definite potential to be a running theme. Perhaps we can find out a little more about them when the time comes.

And talking about finding things out. Captain Jack Harkness is something of a mystery these days isn’t he? I have to say that I loved the Batman rift of his standing on the tall building looking out over ‘his’ city. Very cool bit of posing.

He has the style, but what of the substance? How did he get from reanimated corpse in the far flung future to heading a "secret" organisation in contemporary Cardiff? Is this one of those questions we will ever get answered? Has it anything to do with the two years worth of memories that he misplaced?

And why can’t he be killed? How far does this ability extend? If, for example, he’d wanted to take the quick way down from the top that building, would he have been able to get up and walk away straight afterwards? As a bullet hole sealed itself, fixing bone and (assumedly) missing bits of brain, I can only assume that he’d be fine.

So can he age? Is he some kind of immortal like the Highlander? Ooh, there’s another possible movie mention.

So many questions. Will we get the answers?

I do hope so.

Anyway, all in all that was a good enough opener to make me want to watch episode 2. Good effects, interesting intro story and a team that will, hopefully, grow on me.

I’ll come back and review the second episode in a day or so. But for the time being, I’ve not been disappointed.

Oh yes, one last thing. The Pterodactyl. I’m somewhere between "Huh?", "Why?", "How?" and "What?!!" at the moment.