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Jul 10, 2007

How The Simmch Pwned Season Three

Season Three Overview

Every fan on the blogs liked the Doctor a lot,
But the Simmch, who was due for a comeback, did not.
He hated the Doctor! Since the eighth classic season!
Though Terrence and Baz never wrote a good reason.
It could be that Ainley was camp just a mite,
Or Eric Roberts' talent played hooky that night.
But I think that the most likely upset of all,
Was when Roger Delgado's car had a great fall.

But whatever the reason for his deranged stance,
He lurked on Malcassairo, hating the fans.
And he scoured BTS with the sour Simmchy frown
That he practiced by turning his grin upside-down.
He scoffed at a thread on The Infinite Quest,
How it fit in the timeline. "Oh, surely you jest!
"Come the weekend, these losers once more will tune in,
"To watch their good Doctor disgrace me again."
Then he growled, with his head filled with echoes of drumming,
"I can't stand a thousand more posts this mind-numbing!"

For he knew that as soon as the end credits rolled,
There would be the mad rush to post FIRST COMMENT LOL.
And then, oh the raves! Oh, the RAVES! RAVES! RAVES! RAVES!
Like with Lazarus, Shakespeare, the rest of their faves!
They'd all said about Blink, it was clever and class,
Save for one who thought its head was shoved up its arse.
They'd loved the Judoon and gave Martha top score,
But not so with the Daleks, that really was poor.
Some claimed 42 was the best Chibnall's penned,
Though 'twas no more a challenge than Jack acting bent.
The Simmch could remember, recoiling in shock,
A poster who claimed he liked even Gridlock!

But all of their ravings and outpourings, well,
It was nothing to that which followed Paul Cornell!
For they squeed! And they squeed! And they SQUEED SQUEED SQUEED SQUEEEEEEEEEEED!
Till the Simmch was afraid that his eardrums would bleed!
And the Simmch spat in fury, "Those sad, shameless geeks!
"That Russell has spoiled them these past many weeks!
"For thirty-five years I've been thwarted, but now,
"I must get the fanboys to phear me! BUT HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
A masterly, dastardly, awful idea!

"I know just what to do," the Simmch laughed in his throat,
"I shall gain a new face and a new suit to boot."
And he chuckled and clucked, "What a devious trick!
"I'll get myself elected, 'cause voters are thick!
"All I need is a meme..." he said, looking around,
"That makes Bad Wolf and Torchwood seem almost profound!"
But was that enough? No, the Simmch simply said,
"If they want a good closer, I'll write one instead!"
So he got Captain Jack, took a pen that was red,
And he drew a big X through the Face Of Boe's head.
He retconned Boe's story with one single whack,
To this ramshackle base he then stitched up poor Jack.

Then the Simmch said "Giddyap!" as his PC went ping,
And his L33T HAXXOR software got on with its thing.
All the folks were asleep when through IP and router,
The Simmch's PC raced on like a sharpshooter
Till it locked on a certain showrunner's computer.

"This is stop number one," the Simmch hacker hissed,
And he cracked all his knuckles, clenched into a fist.
The firewall looked foolproof, it budged not an inch,
But if Pixley could crack it, then so could the Simmch.
He got stuck only once, for a minute or two,
Then the 'Last Of The Time Lords' script came into view.
He opened the textfile, clicked on the first row,
"This cliffhanger", he grinned, "is the first thing to go!"

So he typed and he typed as he worked on his present,
Arranging the script into something less pleasant.
Characters! Dialogue! The old Face Of Boe!
Plot threads and action! It all had to go.    
He took the good science and threw it away,
Though Russell would likely do that anyway.
"That Martha Jones girl's been performing too good,
"So I'll write the bitch out and stick her in Torchwood.
"And if that doesn't drive the fans mad and irate,
"I'll fill Season Four up with Catherine Tate!"
And he lifted his hands and he rubbed them with glee,
As the Simmch saw the script was as bad as could be.

Then he glanced at his screen and found to his disdain,
That a fangirl had stumbled across his domain.
A reader brand new to the forums of Who,
Little Cindy-Lou Noob, with a post count of two.
She'd caught him at work, this young innocent tot,
Whose faith in the programme had not yet been shot.
"It's Russell T Davis! ZOMG!! HI!!!
"What is that you're writing? Can I see? Can I!?"

Now the Simmch hadn't bargained on this little tick,
He needed a fob-off, and needed it quick.
"And spoil the surprise? Why I simply can't say,
"But watch for the Radio Times on Tuesday.
"There's a big backstage feature that's simply perfect,
"And two different covers for you to collect."
And the fan was ecstatic, she thought it was grand,
And she scarpered before he could have her kickbanned.
And when Cindy-Lou Noob had departed, the knave
Went straight back to the script and he quickly hit 'SAVE'.

Then the last things he made to add fuel to the fire,
Was a VOTE SAXON website, the bald-faced old liar,
And a Darth Vader nod with a funeral pyre.
And the one unchanged portion he left of the script
Was Russell T's gay joke dredged up from the crypt.
Then he did the same thing to the twelve backup copies, 
Turning top-gear dramatics to scripted jalopies.

It was quarter past Weakest Link. Anne Robinson
Was being rude to K-9 when his Simmch work was done.
He logged off his PC and prepared with three cheers
For the fruits of his scheme spanning ten trillion years.
Ten thousand feet up in his flying Cloudbase,
The Simmch poised to piss on the whole human race.
"Pooh-pooh to the fans!" His voice sounded savage,
"They're finding out now that their last part is rubbish!
"It's 7.54! I know just how they'll go,
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or so,
"Then the fans on the forums will all post OH NOES!
"They'll be all so distraught it will drive them away,
"The Doctor's power then will be broken! HOORAY!"

And he did hear a sound rising down from below.
A low psychic field that started to grow...
But the sound wasn't angry! This sound started humming!
It was passing the word that the show had been stunning!
The rage on the blogs was being swamped by the tone
Of kids quoting dialogue over the phone!
Of ordinary people, and this was the rub,
Who were chatting away to their friends in the pub!
He hadn't stopped people from watching - they came!
Eight million viewers had come just the same!

And the Simmch started bashing his head on the wall,
And shouted, "How could they have sat through it all!"
The script had no meaning! The plot made no sense!
The science was dismal, the outcome was dense!
And he puzzled for hours in his Paradox Machine
Till he had an idea about what it could mean.
"Maybe fandom," he thought, "doesn't matter a bit,
"If the viewing public laps up any old shit."

And what happened then? On Outpost Gallifrey,
They watched his two hearts eat a bullet that day.
And though it was a cop-out, when time was wound back,
The fans could recall the two months that weren't cack.
And the minute his wife did the rotten sod in,
Then the Simmch - he himself! - was consigned to the bin.


Warning: This way lies filk.


Dave is the love child of Ness Bishop.

But seriously, that was fantastic. Thank you.

Bloody hell, that's good.

(non-csnon follow up)

But what of Cindy Lou Noob he had earlier tricked?
She came up to the bin and spoke into it.
"Out of your schemes, that which are hated, I found LOTTL to be quite underrated"
The fandom whined and moaned, they had been beaten.
Ratings poured in, the majority smitten.
Why noone can enjoy that, someone dared claim...
Was because they think blander NOVELS deserve more acclaim
With swearing and sex, real life to the core
Thats not our show, thats a pre-Torchwood snore!
So take your "Left Handed...", your "Shakedowns" and banter
"Dark Season" was better than "Blood Heat" and "Zamper"

The 2007 Season After: "Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss."

The opener it did rock hard.
I did like the one with the Bard.
I did like next one goodbye Boe.
The next, Radio Times, oh no.
The second part well it was crap.
I did like next, then there was gap.
I did like Chibnall's, take a bow.
I did like next one squee oh wow.
I did like next one yet more squee.
And Moffat provides yet more glee.
To top all that Utopia,
Simm/Saxon cornucopia,
The last one it was good in parts.
RTD's great (and Simm departs.)

That is amazing -- I can't imagine my upcoming noodlings will beat that. I can but try.

The Torchwood equivalents are of course, 'One Fish, Two Fish, Gwen & Tosh Fish', and 'Hop On Everyone'.

...and then something went 'VRORP!'
How that Vrorp made us gawp.
We turned and we saw him step in on the mat.
We turned and we saw him - the Doc in the hat!
(And scarf)

Uh oh. This could get addictive.

Oh, the places you'll go!

(Cardiff, and, er, did I mention Cardiff?)

Most people stop at the Z, but not me - I don't get beyond C!

Fox in Sox and
Dox in Box...

All of his plots are like each other.
I don't know why - go ask your mother!

I do not like green eggs and chips,
And Rose Tyler got on my nips.
I will not eat them there or here,
I will not eat them with Vanir.
I will not eat them near or far, an'
I will not eat them with Sontarans.
I will not eat them high and flyin',
I will not eat them with a Cryon.
I will not eat them for my health,
I will not eat them with a Gelth.
I will not eat them topped with croutons,
I will not eat them with a Kroton.
I will not eat them on the Moon,
I will not eat them with Judoon.
I will not eat them with a hard-on,
I will not eat them with a Guardian.
I will not eat them in the dark,
I will not eat them with a Quark.
I will not eat them with spaghetti,
I will not eat them with a Yeti.
I will not eat them with a lager,
I will not eat them with a Varga.
I will not eat them being bored,
I will not eat them with Primords.
I will not eat them, motherfucker,
I will not eat them with a Pakhar.
I will not eat this shitty food,
I will not eat it with an Ood.
I will not eat them with a cabbage,
I will not eat them with a Savage.
I will not eat them in a sporran,
I will not eat them with a Skorran.
I will not eat them in a phal,
I will not eat them with a Thal.
I will not eat while Tennant gurns,
I will not eat them with a Wirrn.
I will not eat them watching Wogan,
I will not eat them with a Vogan.
I will not eat them in a feast,
I will not eat them with The Beast.
I will not eat, they make me sick,
I will not eat them with Fenric.
I will not eat them off Boe's face,
I will not eat with Mister Chase.
I will not eat with Sharaz Jek,
I will not eat with Dalek Sec.
I will not eat them in a pinch,
I will not eat with Lucas Finch.
I will not eat them with ramen,
I will not eat with Bannermen.
I will not eat them in a naan, I
Will not eat them with the Rani.
I do not like green eggs and chips.
(She didn't even flash her tits.)

Seriously? Send this to the BBC. Fantastic to the max. Congratulations.

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