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Apr 28, 2007

Dalek Rape!

Daleks in Manhattan

Scratchings Tempting, isn't it? Alluring. Almost... sexual. Can't you just feel your mouth salivating at the prospect of them returning to the world of Doctor Who? It's a genuine Pavlovian response to their appearance.

"Erotic gumball machines and a pretzel hell bent on world domination."

Daleks. Manhattan. Pig slaves. The Depression. Showgirls. Flying chopped beef. Elephants made of glitter. Erotic gumball machines and a pretzel hell bent on world domination. Wouldn't it be fun if once, just once, one of RTD's famed episode shopping lists gets mixed up with one of his actual shopping lists? "In this one I want Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire Puddings, Pantene Pro-V anti dandruff shampoo and 3 pounds of tripe." Although...

"Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of a race of genocidal mutated killing machines?"

Lifts So the Dalek Marvelous Maniacal Mutagenic World Tour arrives in New York. Sticky moment whilst passing through immigration when the rather straight-laced desk clerk asked them whether they were now, or have ever been, a member of a race of genocidal mutated killing machines? That made them sweat a little. That and the 16 pounds of class A Columbian nasal dust secreted within the folds of their mutated flesh. But who's going to want to delve a marigolded hand into that pulsating obscene pile of gnarled genetic material? No-one. And what's more, the Daleks couldn't even get girlfriends. Hell, they couldn't even laugh a blind hooker into bed. Something needs to be done.

"A picture of Paul Daniels circa 1978."

Prettyboy That something is, of course, dabble further with genetic experiments and see if you can reach the peak of manhood. Armed with only a few glass beakers, a picture of Paul Daniels circa 1978 and 4 specially adapted Dalek pretzel attachments the race was on to see who could cop off first. First they'd need to get their hands on a mighty erection. That should definitely impress the ladies. Dalek logic still implacable, even if their chat up skills were in need of some remedial attention.

"The next phase of their final experiment centres around the mass production of Rohypnol."

Spats So, their ultimate experiment appears to revolve around making Dalek's flesh. The children of Skaro must mince again. It's already been suggested that they're doing this in order to make it possible for the Daleks to reproduce via traditional biological processes. I hope that the next phase of their final experiment centres around the mass production of Rohypnol otherwise the next episode is going to consist mainly of 5 human/Dalek hybrids sitting in bars lamenting their lack of success with the female of the species, talking about shoes and the best way to sustain multiple orgasms.

Either that or it's going to be another fucking transmitter.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Daleks in Manhattan: even the Murray Gold All Star Musical Ragamuffins were utilizing Dalek sucker cups in place of regular mutes for their brass section to reproduce the authentic Gershwin sound.


Damon! I've figured out what's bugging me about human!Sec, and it's all thanks to YOU! Those damn WINGTIPS! They just don't look right..

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