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Mar 01, 2007

(I Beg Your Pardon) I Never Promised You a Foam Garden

Warning: this review contains unnecessary punning on the word ‘foam’.

The Seeds of Death 5

With Zoe seemingly doomed to a death by mirrorlon while Coldplay sing ‘Fix You’ behind her, Fewsham finally realises what a whining, wimpy wet lettuce he’s been for the past four episodes and takes on the Gladstone Small Ice Warrior; whose mask has slipped down so much into his chest-plate that all he can see are his own knackers as the timorous technician mounts his attack. Meanwhile, Jamie engages in fisticuffs with another of the Martian marauders, as Pat finally comes round from his week’s holiday and Miss Kelly turns the temperature up to ‘Krakatoa’. Leaving the Ice Warrior to hold his head and writhe in pain as though Coldplay are now doing an encore of ‘Speed of Sound’.

Back on Earth, and Commander Radnor’s day goes from bad to worse as his immediate superior Sir James arrives from the ministry to see ‘what the blazes is going on’ (copyright © any strait-laced, governmental boffin type, ever). This precursor to the sort of tight-sphinctered twat that would very soon be patronised into retirement by a neck-rubbing Pertwee is seemingly oblivious of the fact that he too - despite his position of authority - is wearing his pants outside his trousers. Maybe in the future Sienna Miller will be designing all clothing…

having witnessed the Doctor's scientific method first hand, it’s only surprising he didn’t get his todger out and piss on the bloody thing first

Back on location, and an Ice Warrior is making his sibilant way to a building handily marked ‘Weather Control Station’ where - having caused the 21st Century’s equivalent of Michael Fish to brick it and mirrorloned the clueless bugger to death - he zaps an equally handily labelled ’Weather Control System’ device. Nice to know that such crucial technological machinery is so easily identifiable to any passing invading Martian, isn’t it?

Meanwhile Slaar is starting to feel the heat, staggering around like he’s imbibed too many Marti(an)nis and even propositioning Fewsham to show him what’s inside those pants he’s wearing outside his trousers. As the pair take in the Coldplay finale - a moving but ultimately incomprehensible rendering of ‘The Scientist’ - The Doctor has gone to play out in the foam; finding that mere H2O is an effective deterrent to the Rover-wannabe pods (though having witnessed his scientific method first hand, it’s only surprising that he didn’t get his todger out and piss on the bloody thing first).

Despatching Jamie and Zoe to the weather control station, where they hide out from the guard Warrior behind some 1970s-style Top of the Pops furniture (Coldplay having presumably passed them up as too ‘retro’), Slaar contacts his Grand Marshall; and we are treated to the revelation that homosexuals are not only accepted, but given positions of high power in the Ice Warrior-ian military (which is surely the only explanation for the GM’s helmet - if you’ll pardon the usage - being covered in sequins). As if it need be said, ‘Gay Agenda’. Again!

it seems homosexuals are not only accepted, but given positions of high power in the Ice Warrior military

Back at T-Mat base, and Fewsham finally grows a pair, transmitting the fatal flaw in the Ice Warriors’ plan so that Radnor et al can hear it over the video link (with the Doctor’s invention of Sky+ at this point being particularly helpful). But there’s no time to mourn the fallen turncoat, as before you can say ‘Oh my giddy Aunt’ the Doctor’s tearing his way to the weather control station; or rather running on the spot while Dudley finds the switch marked ‘epileptic’ on his keyboard.

With the foam at the centre resembling the amount of party-soap you’d normally see at an Ibiza Uncovered rave, the cliff-hanger leaves us with the disturbing sight of the Doctor covered in more bubbles than a Michael Jackson photo-album; with one in particular poised to blow its lot like some kind of alien zit.

Tune in next time to watch the Gay Pride Ice Warrior march (with guesssst sssspeaker Sssssir Ian McKellen)

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds of Death 5: it took six weeks to squeeze all the soap out of Patrick Troughton’s frock-coat)

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