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Feb 23, 2007

Animus Crackers

So, you thought that your affinity for questionably-produced children's television would prepare you for anything the vaults of Who might throw your way? You were quite wrong my friend, for The Web Planet is of a different breed.

I know you normally enjoy the fluffed dialogue and dodgy effects, but this is the real-fucking-deal. This story separates the Russel T. Davies from the John Nathan-Turners, and makes Time-Flight look like some Stanley Kubrick shit.

Now, the thing is, and what most people don't realize, is that The Web Planet stands as the only Doctor Who ever to be entirely written and produced on a Friday. No joke. It's all starting to make sense to you now.

Everything started to go pear-shaped when scriptwriter Bill Strutton mistakenly drank some LSD-laden tea, (prepared by his then seventeen-year-old daughter, who intended on taking her own trip through time and space) and he spent the next eight hours rolling around in his back garden with new friends whom he called Zarbi-roo and the Ant-bugaloo.

The second vital mistake was made when producer Verity Lambert and editor Dennis Spooner commissioned Strutton's script without taking even one look at the acid-induced ramblings scrawled within. By the time they realized this, the design department had already created sets and costumes for a script whose ramblings made Brother Theodore look coherent.

Needless to say, the entire week of studio time was spent with a considerably more sober Strutton, who embarrassingly was made to sift through his own schizophrenic mess, in hopes of creating some sort of story-line to include giant ants, butterflies, maggots, and a hairdryer.

By the time Strutton emerged, it was Friday afternoon and Billy Hartnell was well pissed-off.

See, you don't have to label this entire two-and-a-half hours of television a complete disaster anymore. Instead, it can now stand as a sort of testament to a man's triumph over time and expectation in the workplace.

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