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Dec 04, 2006

Torchwood Takes Second

(Title panel. Plinky-plonk Casio Torchwood theme continually plays.)

Strong Bad: Teen Torch Squad. Beyond Doctor Who, outside Grange Hill.

(Stick-drawings in turn of Jack, Owen, Gwen and Tosh.)

Queerleader! So Arsehole! Welsh Her Face! The Lesbi-One!

(QueerleaderBlank page.)

Strong Bad: And Ianto.

(Scene: Jack, Owen, Gwen and Tosh in the Hub, standing by a closed door marked 'IANTO'S ROOM - GO AWAY'.)

Jack: OK, my pallies! This is an adult, post-watershed drama, so let's get ready to look -

Jack, Gwen, Owen and Tosh: SO GROWN-UP!

Jack: What grown-up things has everyone done today?

Owen: Welsh Her Face and I had sex. In the morgue.

Jack: Meh. Morgue sex is so last week. (jumps up and down excitedly) Let's find some BRAND NEW ways to have sex!!

Gwen: Word!

Owen: Word!

Tosh: Go Gwen!

Ianto: (behind door) Delete.

Jack: Ianto? Have you got a Cyber-Conversion Unit in there?

Ianto: No.

Soarsehole(Cut to Abzorbaloff sticking out his tongue with a sign on saying 'AND SO'.)

(Scene: Gwen in a hospital corridor. A janitor mops the floor next to a door marked 'CLOSET'.)

Gwen: I'm going to try my luck in this hospital.

(An alien jumps out of the closet and savages the janitor's neck.)

Strong Bad: WEEVIL'D!!

Gwen: Just my luck to get someone in the closet.

(Alien burps and runs away, leaving a messy blood puddle and a corpse in two bits.)

Gwen: Ianto? Have you got the Brain of Morbius in there?

Ianto: (in closet) No.

(Scene: Owen in Torchwood 1 with levers, void sphere and a Dalek.)

Owen: I bet nobody's had sex with a Dalek before.

(Dalek is suddenly straddled by a small nude ex-Who girl with sharp cheekbones.)

WelshherfaceStrong Bad: KATY MANNING'D!!

Owen: My cerebral cortex has imploded. And I'm gutted.

(Dalek trundles off with Katy Manning leaving trail of love hearts in the air.)

Owen: Ianto? Have you got the Hand Of Omega in there?

Ianto: (inside void sphere) No.

(Cut to Strong Mad-style Sontaran head with 'MEANWHILE AT BASE' stuck on its forehead.)

(Scene: Outside Torchwood's back door. Pizza girl carries big stack of boxes.)

Pizza girl: Fifty-eight cheese and tomato pizzas for The Lesbi-One.

(Door is opened by Ianto's Cyber-girlfriend)

Strong Bad: CYBERWOMAN'D!!

Pizza girl: (missing the top of her skull) Ow! My brain!

(Scene: Tosh seated at the Torchwood computer. The screen says 'COMPY 386'.)

ThelesbioneTosh: I'm going to have sex with the Torchwood computer.

(Computer suddenly erupts with whirlwinds, thunderstorms and lightning strikes. The screen says 'OW! MY L33T SK1LLZ!')

Strong Bad: FREAK WEATHER CONDITION'D!!

(Tosh talks to smouldering, broken computer screen.)

Tosh: Ianto? Have you got Fenric in a bottle in there?

Ianto: (inside computer) No.

(Scene: Gwen, Owen, Tosh and Jack outside Ianto's room as before.)

Jack: Well my pallies, how did we all do?

Gwen, Owen and Tosh: (dejected) NO GOOD.

Jack: Never mind. I had sex on the pavement outside the invisible lift exit. (raises hat, revealing a big hole in his head) While my brains were blown out!

Gwen: Score!

Owen: Score!

Tosh: Go Gwen!

Ianto: (behind door) Eldrad must live.

Jack: Now we can get on with building a strong team framework with likeable character interplay.

(Door opens and Ianto comes out. Others look amazed.)

Ianto: I heard there was some adult mature drama going on, so I thought I'd join in.

(Torchwood team is suddenly attacked and massacred by Ianto's cyber-girlfriend, alien sex clouds and Welsh cannibals with meat cleavers.)

Strong Bad: CHRIS CHIBNALL'D!!

Jack: OW! My suspension of disbelief!

(Cut to Welsh miner with fairy wings.)

Fairy: Alien chaps there, look you now.

(End page)

Strong Bad: IT'S CANCELLED!!

(thanks to Dalek Sex)

Comments

Quick, someone put David in charge of Torchwood! This version is flawless.

Was that a review? Does that mean the episode is good or bad?

Either way, I'm now starting a David Sanders for Lead Writer of Torchwood Campaign.

It's not a review, we just wrote it for fun. I did half of it before I saw GBG and really enjoyed it, so I feel a bit of a tosser for taking the piss now.

Superb drawings. They're so life like :).

The cardboard cutout (Lesbi-one, any relation to Obi-one?)drawing reminds me of Thelma.

The Gwen one is just brilliant, love the teeth.

Jeez, if I could draw a cartoon like that one of Gwen, I'd give up my day job!

Gwen's the only one without stick legs.

Symbolism or coincidence? You decide!

She's meant to be What's Her Face from Teen Girl Squad, who wears chav track suit bottoms.

Long day boring at work.......

Rough Diamond looks like he's auditioning for the Stick Man logo (TM or should that be TW) for next (whenever that will be) relaunch of The Saint. :D

Long day boring at work.......

During the teduim of the day I have concluded that Rough Diamond looks like he's auditioning for the Stick Man logo (TM or should that be TW) for next (whenever that will be) relaunch of The Saint. :D

Sorry about the stutter above - The network is on a go slow here & keeps timing out.

Please feel free to delete the offending duplicate remarks.

Rough Diamond looks like Terrence & Phillip's infamous uncle from South Park...

Genius. Hope Dave will let me include this in the book!

Damon, Burn Gorman looks like Terrence & Phillip's..er, well, he just looks like Terrance or Phillip, or ANY canadian SP character..

Never laughed so hard in my life. I shall now called Captain Jack 'Queerleader', which could lead to some sticky moments when he goes back to Doctor Who.
Can't stop laughing now!

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