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Oct 01, 2006

Management Techniques with Doctor Who

I can just about summon up the strength to see off the end of this one. This is the sort of punishment the Guantanamo Bay overlords should be doling out. And things started so well too...

The Green Death - Episode Six

Not only is the Doctor displaying a total lack of management skills, there's also little evidence of any basic intelligence. Witness his tortured thought processes as he attempts to workout what Professor Jones meant by serendipity:

Fungus... Cure... Fungus... Breakthrough... Fungus... Serendipity... Fungus...

Alienberk Ad infinitum. It's just like Homer and "dental plan, Lisa needs braces", except 400% more mind numbingly irritating. And even after the maggot has been killed by the ruddy stuff, and he went out and killed the entire maggot population with fungus, he's still standing there, rubbing his fucking nose, trying to workout what the answer is. Is it an endeering trait? No, it's bum achingly annoying.

"This was at times like watching a Weakest Link Bimbo Special"

I'm sorry. It's not just me, is it? Fungus kills maggots. Slime comes from maggots. Might it be that fungus also takes care of slime induced fever? Possibly? Sitting watching this was at times like watching a Weakest Link Bimbo Special as you scream out the right answers at the unblinking imbeciles who are struggling with the simplest of Robinson quizzical projectiles.

And how comes he needed to leap from this very important, life saving work, in the first place, to drive a car whilst someone lobbed muck out of the side. Hasn't the rest of UNIT managed to pass their driving tests yet? I suppose we all know they can't even be trusted to wipe their own arses  but surely the Doctor's heard of the art of delegation? Perhaps this insufferable incarnation would only practice Venusian Delegation on the situation.

"And this is the real reason why, at the end of Earthshock, the Doctor is seen laughing right up his fucking sleeve."

And are we meant to willingly suspend out disbelief long enough to accept that thousands of these maggots are dealt with by driving up and down a single track. Didn't they remember the hardware they had at their disposal not two hours ago? Apparently not. Perhaps they're struggling to perceive what is actually there, and what's been badly CSOed into position. But the Doctor is needed for one last badly CSOed scene where the giant flying insect bares down on them. The production team should have cut their losses and had two cast members stood there describing the entire episode without any reference to visuals. The Green Exposition. Bazza would have loved that if The Ghosts of N Space is anything to go by.

Weddingpresent But before we end the Doctor has one last management duty to carry out. And it's the moment every single line manager dreads, when one of their team leaves. It usually calls for embarrassed speeches, drinking in work time and the exchange of presents. I suspect that this is at the real heart of the Doctor's reluctance to say goodbye to his companions - trying to think about what to get them as a leaving gift alone would be enough to hope that occasionally, just occasionally, the disappear without much of a fanfare. And this is the real reason why, at the end of Earthshock, the Doctor is seen laughing right up his fucking sleeve.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 6 of The Green Death: this story would hold the record for the poorest use of CSO in a series or serial until The Underworld pissed it right off the map.

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