Day Two: Doomsday
(with thanks to 'Dalek Sex')
The story so far: over the skies of London, the Daleks rain death and destruction in a titanic battle with the Cybermen that will determine the future of all life on the planet.
Meanwhile in Cardiff...
OWEN HARPER: Oi, Dalek!
DALEK: VERBAL! COMMUNICATION! IS! UNNECESSARY!
OWEN: You're a big poof, aincha Dalek?
DALEK: HUMAN! TERMINOLOGY! IS! MEANINGLESS!
OWEN: Coz my boss Jack says you tossers are all poofs.
DALEK: SILENCE!
OWEN: And he oughta know.
DALEK: SILENCE!
OWEN: It's true, innit? Coz like you're all the same.
DALEK: SHUT! UP!
OWEN: And you all shag each other.
DALEK: MAKE! HIM! SHUT! UP!
OWEN: So you're all poofs.
DALEK: SHUT! UP! OR! YOU! WILL! BE! EXTERMINATED!
OWEN: Pooooooooooofs.
DALEK: AAAGH!
OWEN: You're scared to admit it, ain'cha?
DALEK: DALEKS! DO! NOT FEAR!
OWEN: What else are you scared of, Dalek?
DALEK: WE! FEAR! NOTHING! WE! ARE! THE! SUPERIOR! BEINGS!
OWEN: Is it tin openers?
DALEK: DALEKANIUM! CASING! IS! IMPERVIOUS! TO! TIN! OPENERS!
OWEN: Izziiiiit? Coz nerd girl Sato there, she reckons you're like a tin of meat pudding.
BLACK DALEK: MAKE. THAT. COCKNEY. SHUT. UP.
OWEN: Are you a tin of meat pudding, Dalek?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Are you?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Have you got one in there?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Have you got pies in there?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: It's chips, innit? I bloody knew it, you've got chips in there.
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Giz some chips Dalek, we're starving.
DALEK: NO! CHIPS!
OWEN: Greedy bastard, eating all the chips.
SPECIAL WEAPONS DALEK: MAKE! THAT! COCKNEY! CRETIN! SHUT! UP!
OWEN: Are you fat, Dalek?
DALEK: THE! DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT! OF FAT!
OWEN: My aaaaaaaarse.
DALEK: WE! ARE ALL! IDENTICAL!
OWEN: So you're all fat.
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: And poofs.
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: I thought so.
VICTOR LEWIS SMITH DALEK: MAKE! THAT! BASTARD! COCKNEY! SHUT! UP!
OWEN: Is that why you wear the armour, so nobody can see how fat you are?
DALEK: WE! ARE! BLOBS! OF FLESH!
OWEN: Fat?
DALEK: WE! ARE! HEGEMONICALLY! UNIFORM!
OWEN: Aww yeaaah, coz Gwen, the weepy taffy one, she always says it's what's on the inside that counts.
DALEK: I! AM! NOT! FAT!
OWEN: Big-boned?
DALEK: NOT! FAT!
OWEN: Are you Mister Blobby, Dalek?
DALEK: YOU! WILL! BE! EX! TERRRRRRRRRRMINATED!
(pause)
OWEN: Am I bovvered though?
DALEK: WHAT!
OWEN: Bovvered?
DALEK: WHAT!
OWEN: Look at mah face.
DALEK: STOP!
OWEN: Does it look bovvered?
DALEK: STOP IT!
OWEN: Face.
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Face bovvered?
DALEK: STOP!
OWEN: Ain't bovvered.
EMPEROR DALEK: MAKE! THAT! COCKNEY! WANKER! SHUT! UP!
DALEK: YOUR! LIFE! IS! FOREFEIT!
OWEN: Good, 'cos I ain't bovvered.
DALEK: DIE!
OWEN: Bovvered?
DALEK: DIE!
OWEN: Look bovvered?
DALEK: DEATH! TO! THE! ENEMIES! OF! THE! DAAAALEKS!
OWEN: Any part of mah face bovvered?
DALEK SEC: FOR! FUCK'S! SAKE! MAKE! THAT! COCKNEY! C**T! SHUT! UP!
OWEN: Yes?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Cans?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Spam?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Goblin?
DALEK: NO!
OWEN: Mince and onions?
DALEK: EXTERMINATE!
*BLAM*
DALEK: ARSEHOLE.
-----------------------------
Christ, I hated the first two episodes of Torchwood.
'DALEK: I! AM! NOT! FAT!
OWEN: Big-boned?'
God that's funny. Actually I was rewatching the thing tonight and Owen is a bit irritating -- have you seen the way he walks, his whole body shifting left and right in one go, his arms outstretched in a way that's the very definition of wrong.
Posted by: Stu | Oct 26, 2006 at 00:03
I think you're the first one on the blog to have hated both the first two episodes. Most have liked the first and hated the second, whereas I liked the second and hated the first.
But I've only watched them once. Is it just me or does Owen's mouth completely cut his face in two from ear to ear? He looks like one of the canadians from South Park.
Posted by: James Coleman | Oct 26, 2006 at 00:40
He looks & sounds exactly like a guy I used to work with a year ago.
There really are people out there like that.
Nuff said.
Posted by: Rassilon | Oct 26, 2006 at 00:53
Unless the scripting gets seriously tightened up I don't think it's going to be limited to the first two episodes, because I simply could not suspend my disbelief for an instant, nor did I actively like a single character on the screen (sorry, but for me Jack's Season One whimsy just doesn't gel here with the supposed 'serious mature drama' of the rest of the show, even without the spurious sex and swearing). I was about ready to pound my head against the wall at every new idiocy or inconsistency that was flung into the story every half minute or so. Have I missed the point so far? I'll have to watch it again and then write it up properly.
Posted by: Dave Sanders | Oct 26, 2006 at 01:03
owww make! dave! stop! that hurts my laughing owie owie migraine
In other news, apparently Owen's gunning for the 7th Doctor's skill of talking Daleks(and pretty much anything else) to death..
Posted by: J Salem Gourley | Oct 26, 2006 at 02:34
Coincidentally, Indira Varma + black-rimmed scenester chick glasses = my eyes are still literally stuck to the screen.
I mean, here I think she's sexier than in that Kama Sutra movie, and she's fully dressed.
And I'm going to stop before I turn into Andrew Cartmel's raincoat.
Posted by: J Salem Gourley | Oct 26, 2006 at 02:38
*He looks & sounds exactly like a guy I used to work with a year ago.
There really are people out there like that.
Nuff said.*
The truly frightening thing is how many of them really are medical doctors.
I love the blend of humor and classic horror. It reminds me of Neil Gaiman on a roll.
Posted by: Lioness | Oct 26, 2006 at 14:26
I really enjoyed Torchwood so far but I did think Owen was an utter prat and what you wrote there was spot on in my opinion. I was laughing so hard reading it that tears were rolling down my face.
Posted by: Lynsey | Oct 26, 2006 at 22:43
Absolutely hilarious!
"Christ, I hated the first two episodes of Torchwood."
Aww, that's a shame.
Posted by: Danielle | Oct 27, 2006 at 00:34