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Jul 13, 2006

The Revenge of the Robot Sontaran Genesis Ark. In Space.

Lay-dees annnnd Gen-tel-men. Welcome to the MFI Warehouse for the battle of the millennia, the tussle of Torchwood. In the gold corner, spouting their usual shite, standing 4 foot 3 inches, wearing the leopard skin briefs, are Skaro's finest, Th-eeeeee Da-leks. And in the silver corner, the pretenders to crown, standing 7 foot 9 inches in their stocking feet, are Th-eeeee Cy-ber-mennnnnnn.

Doomsday

Seconds Out. Round One.

And what's been touted as a battle bigger than Italy v France, for the World Goblet of Soccer Ball, ends up being little more than a bitch-slapping contest between two opposing catch-phrases that all ends in one almighty sucking incident. It might have been what every 8 year old in the country has been waiting for, Dalek on Cybermen action, gold on steel, but in reality it sounds about as stimulating as a metallurgist's wet dream. Ah yes, Ibsen. Be away with you and all this fanciful talk of alchemy, what I want is heavy metal on heavy metal - and I'm not talking about David Coverdale grappling with Ritchie Blackmore in a tussle over the last pack of Jaffa Cakes in Morrisons. 

Delete this. Exterminate that. Upgrade your such-and-such. Elevate the other. And repeat.

"I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull"

If it wasn't bad enough, that the BBC failed to keep the Black Dalek under wraps, the Genesis Ark actually turned up in an edition of Holby City having been involved in a well telegraphed accident involving an badly maintained Ford Capri and a mobile Mr Whippy van. And then there was the Cybermen's weaponry upgrade that's been on display for the past 13 weeks in the titles of Totally Doctor Who. Idiots.

Tingle Rather interestingly the Cybermen's pitiful shooters appear to have two settings; maximum destruction, in the case of the car on the bridge, and a mild tingle, in the case of the solider on the bridge. And their all-purposes chest thump is really starting to get on my tits. It appears to control absolutely everything, just like those one-for-all remote control replacements. A single thump to the chest and you're downloading files. Another thump and communication channels are open. Another and your groinal area has just become exposed for regular cleaning. Wonder if they have special attachments to remove the day-to-day grime and grease build up that inevitably follows a hard day's upgrading. Another thump and you're informed of unknown technology in the sphere chamber. Imagine their surprise when all they find is a George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin' Machine.

Seconds Out. Round Two.

Standoff Dalek, meet Cybermen. A metallic Mexican standoff. Cybermen appear to have all but the emotion of vanity removed as they proclaim their superior design. At which point the Dalek should have started taking the piss out of their cloth-faced ancestors, grating the word "Excellent" whilst offering them some gold coins. Instead they just come over all Saxondale about pest control. They might look like a Rascal van on it's end but I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull.

Spunk The "conversation" that these two species have has all the resonance and linguistic bantering of two brain head muscle headed heavyweight boxers squaring up for a weigh-in before a big fight. All that posturing. All that machismo. Generally tends to end in severe disappointment, especially when you've stayed up till half three to catch the pay-per-view with naught but a rapidly congealing rat shit topped pizza for company. Still, at least a toppling Cyberman was quite some sight. As was Cyber head explosion. Spunk everywhere. Again.

"That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole."

Apparently the Daleks require one of the two time travelers alive, to activate the Ark. Something about traveling in time means you soak up all this background smugness. And there's nothing more pompous or smug than Time Lord technology. They were streets ahead in that field. You couldn't walk round the Pizzaland themed areas of the Capitol without hearing even the walls audibly sigh with smug satisfaction. That's why Gallifrey had to go - there was too much smug matter in the Universe and eventually it all folded in on itself.

Leaping from parallel Earth to parallel Earth, or sliding if you will, should have been accompanied by the Inferno effect of the glitter ball spinning. Those where the days, when travel really was difficult. All you've got to do now is sling a lemon curd tart round your neck and press. The bleeding heart liberals have been at it on parallel Earth cos they said that the Cybermen shouldn't be walled up because they're living beings. Bloody Guardian reading sandal wearing lentil munchers. That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole.

It's left to Mickey to fall against the shitcasket, which is revealed to be a Time Lord prison. Even more cramped conditions than in one of Her Maj's, just don't bend down to pick up the soap in the shower otherwise you'll be anally intruded by a plunger from the butch looking Dalek called Fifi.

Seconds Out. Round Three.

Clever As hot death rains down across That London the Doctor finally fesses up to why he's wearing 3D spec and whilst he's blathering on about just how goddamn bleedin' clever he is there are people dying on the streets. And hatches a plan that entails turning Torchwood Tower into the largest vacuum cleaner in the world, sucking in anything steeped in void stuff. That should not only clear out all Daleks and Cybermen but also pull in all vapid air headed reality TV contestants and wannabes with a complete void between the ears. And it also means that everyone's favourite smug cock-er-ney time is up too. So it's win win win.

And as disgruntled fans are braying for her death (and more than the merest snatch of JPG) she and the Doctor reverse the polarity, switching the void from blow to suck, and start cleaning up the city. Rose could, of course, have survived the climactic scene by simply extending her overbite over the lever instead of leaving the securing anchor of the magna-clamp. But for some inexplicable reason Pete reappeared at just the right point in time and space to grab her. Pity.

And to think, that on that Norwegian beach, 5 months later, the Doctor vanished before he could call her a smug get...

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Doomsday: the effect when the void closed was actually modeled on the pile of kleenex required to mop up the fan-boy excitement when the Daleks made their appearance at the end of the last episode. It's such a persistent stain.

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