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Mar 27, 2006

Through the Keyhole Blackhole

I suppose there's no point in being smug, getting ahead of the game by writing your reviews in advance and then, er, forgetting to actually post them. Just for that, you're going to have to read my reviews a few weeks too late. Like it's your fault...

The other problem is that this seemed funny at the time. I'm not sure it is now:


Cromer, yesterday

Loyd Grossman: Who would live in a lair like this?

This week we're in the home of yet another super-villain - only this one seems to be blazing a trail away from the under-the-volcano base we're used to. There are no female guards in skin-tight Lycra (more's the pity) or thickset stooges standing precariously near to walkways over shark-infested pools.

Today's mystery guest is a true child of the 70s which is ironic because - and this may be your first clue - he's been exiled here since the dawn of creation. So either the big glass bauble look is coming round again (after several millennia), or he's got a keen eye for current trends.

If you're watching in colour, you're certainly getting your money's worth here with all the R, G and B your set could possibly produce. If your eyes aren't watering then either you need to upgrade to a colour TV or simply dust the screen.

Our guest this week has a large staff to take care of his every need, and quite an imagination - though clearly not the will to finish any of the projects he undertakes. This is someone whom ladies might be attracted to for the obvious wealth and universal domination aspects, but if you want some shelves putting up I'd get a professional in.

Given the obvious wasteland look, the lack of visitors and the large jelly-shaped creatures and their strange guttural utterances, you may be forgiven for thinking that our mystery guest is in fact Noel Edmonds and that this is the ill-fated Crinkly Bottom theme park, but you'd be wrong. Nor, indeed, as one contestant speculated, is this Cromer. It's not the end of the universe, simply another one all together.

Here's a picture of a mystery woman: is it his *aunty*? It doesn't *matter*. And that's another clue.
Taking a look at the decor, the obvious ego on display and the lack of any nostalgic ephemera you might think this was the lair of your average alpha male - well think again. We're at the opposite end of the scale.

So it's back to the studio for our guests to decide who lives behind the keyhole - I mean, black hole. Is it evil scientist and genetic engineer, Davros? Or could it be The Great Intelligence? Perhaps you think it's The Celestial Toymaker? Or is it creator of the Time Lords themselves, the maniacal Omega?

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