Right, it's time to have a good, hard look at this year's Big Brother casualties, sorry, I mean contestants. They've been in there long enough for me to form an opinion now, and while I'll inevitably be proved wrong within a couple of weeks, here's my gut reactions to the poor little monkey's so far:
Makosi: she is very hard to form an opinion about right now, mainly because I'm not entirely sure if the Makosi we've seen so far is the real one. Blimey, it sounds like an episode of The Prisoner, doesn't it? She's certainly taken her "secret mission" very seriously indeed, beautifully, even, but is she really playing a role or is this just a walk in the park and a license to be herself? It'll be interesting to see how she behaves when the truth is revealed (assuming it is). Will the HMs be able to trust her again? Can she be forgiven? Will she remain the unlucky housemate for the duration? And is she really an obnoxious cow? She won't be evicted anytime soon, that's for sure.
Maxwell: another "fake". It's been revealed that Max has worked for Endemol for quite a few years now (he tested out the BB5 house and The Farm for them; maybe he was the pig's "fluffer"?) so I'm very suspicious of this Barley-lite "totally off-the-hook" wide-boy with a heart of gold-plate. Too good to be true, perhaps? He's certainly the funniest guy in there, which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement given the fact that he's shacked up with a group of sociopaths who look like they'd rather crack skulls than jokes.
Anthony: by a strange coincidence one of our students made a film about this bloke last semester, and during the end-of-term screening a member of the audience noted, "he has the same IQ as the room temperature". No argument there. A final five cert, thanks to millions of pre-pubescents keeping his competitor's numbers on speed-dial.
Mary: I have mixed feelings about the witch. On the one hand I subscribe to her views about the chavs in the house, but at the same time she's a prisoner of her own subculture which practises conformity to a frightening degree (just substitute the burberry for black velvet and Girls Aloud for Fields of the Nephilim). I'm always suspicious of contestants who spend the first few days grabbing all the attention by threatening to walk, and her eyes are seriously freaky. A good addition to the pantheon of nut-jobs Endemol have recruited over the years, Mary could be one of this series' highlights.
Kamal: the eventual winner. Get your 5/1 odds while you can. He's got it all. A brilliant distillation of every BB winner so far. The campness of Brian, the freakiness of Nadia, the levelheadedness of Cameron, the fun-loving attitude of the Lawler, and the irritating likability of Craig. To be fair, he managed to walk into the house wearing a dress and he *didn't* come across as a complete berk. And he's the only person in the house who has demonstrated any intelligence so far; he's the only one to latch onto the extremely suspicious Makosi subplot, for starters.
Science: Straight Outta Croydon. Crazy mutha from the ghetto, like yeah, freestyle-like, seriously, know what I mean. Subtitles would be nice.
Derek: If his speech-writing is as bad as his poetry, it's hardly surprising that the Tories kept losing so spectacularly. Derek is the obligatory crinkly who wants a good night's sleep, some order in the kitchen, and a totalitarian government. I give him a fortnight.
Roberto: arrogant, aggressive and choc-full of common sense.
Sam: the feminist who sleeps around. Only owns skimpy bikinis. Cute, in an obvious sort of way. She won't last long, the bitchy speed-diallers will make sure of that, although the bizarre love triangle between her, Maxwell and Anthony looks promising (and slightly nauseating).
The Epic Battle Between Saskia's and Lesley's tits: outstanding performances so far. Let's see if they can keep it up.
The Also-rans: Craig possessed one of the most hateful and promising audition tapes ever broadcast, and yet, so far at least, he's been a wet-blanket; out camped by Kamal and out-whinged by Makosi, he barely eclipses Vanessa who appears to be an interactive viewer who's stumbled across a really powerful red button somewhere. Always on the periphery, she's my tip to be the first to go.
And there you have it. It's shaping up quite nicely, truth be told. Tonight's live show could be interesting.
And in some related Reality TV news, UK Living 2 have bought the UK rights to screen The Amazing Race (seasons 3-7) this summer. Trust me, you won't want to miss them...
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