Watching too much telly

BB6

Interesting start. Why didn't they tell some of them that it was fancy dress? Ohhhh, evil. I loved the way Davina McCaw poo-pooed all the tabloid rumours for being too creative. Don't worry folks, it's more of the same - nothing too radical - nothing too earth-shaking; heaven forbid they'd be creative!

Can't remember any names yet but it looks like we're spending summer with Del Boy, Vicky Pollard, Ainsley Harriot, Nathan Barley, Dizzy Rascal, Ricardo  and Beyonce.

Can't wait.

The initial "twist" was quite interesting too; unfortunately the "victim" doesn't appear to grasp what's just happened. It will probably backfire, like all BB's masterplans inevitably do.

I'VE ALSO BEEN WATCHING JOHNNY VEGAS: 18 STONE IDIOT, YOU SHTTING ARSEHOLES, ALTHOUGH I SHOULDN'T BOTHER WRITING ABOUT IT COS I'M JUST A FAILED TOSSER WHO THINKS HIS OPINION IS FUCKIN SPECIAL COS HE HAS A FUCKING BLOG, JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING FUCKER ON THE FUCKING PLANET. AND WHILE THAT SELF-DEPRECIATING RANT MIGHT SOUND MILDLY ANARCHIC AND PAINFULLY REALISTIC, IT WAS IN FACT A CAREFULLY CRAFTY AND EXTREMELY TEDIOUS ATTEMPT AT BEING EDGY. DID I MENTION THAT I'M A FAT BASTARD?  IN THE MEANTIME, HERE'S A REALLY LOUD EPISODE OF THE WORD...

Barn Blogging

I haven't blogged about the Barns for ages. But things are starting to move fast. Frighteningly fast. It's actually nice to hear the sound of bulldozers and hammering while I struggle to watch Loose Women (the best daytime show - ever!). It's been very hectic over the last few weeks, with massive arguments, last-minute decisions and some very worrying glances at the budget.

I've been out taking photos of the Barns today - a big change from the last time, I think you'll find. You can access them by clicking here or by heading to the photo gallery links on the left.

I never thought I'd ever say this again but things are starting to look up, although there's more destruction than construction going on at the moment.

And it still looks like a bombsite.

Eurovision

Another disappointing night at Eurovision. What where Ireland thinking when they gave us 8 points? For a moment there I thought we were heading for another nil points disaster - just like Gemini - but at least that would have been notable, not to mention extremely gratifying. Now Javine is just another also-ran who couldn't cut the mustard. At least a heavily pregnant Jordan would have been moderately entertaining. Still, I did warn you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - will somebody please give The Pet Shop Boys a call.

Oh well, at least we beat France.

Robot Chicken

Following my little rant about the MPAA the other day (and following hot on the heels of a recently rejected article to SFX in which I vehemently supported the downloading of Doctor Who) I stumbled across this story. On the very same day I gave a lecture about the very same thing; and with pretty much the same attitude. Luckily my lecture wasn't in front of a packed house, just two dozen sleepy-eyed students at 9am. So I think I'm safe as long as I don't blog about it.

Anyway, the MPAA couldn't have chosen a worst time to exact their vengeance - just as I discover the funniest, (not available in my country) television show since Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's called Robot Chicken and it's a work of deranged genius. And it's brought to you by the same bloke who played the werewolf in Buffy, and who was told to "zip it" by Dr Evil so many times it stopped being funny. Yeah, him. Seth Green. My new comedy god.

If anyone remembers The Adam and Joe Show they might recognise the central conceit of Robot Chicken, which is essentially stop-motion action figures appearing in comedy sketches; very, very dark sketches. OK, so it's not a completely original idea, although I doubt whether Seth has seen Adam and Joe as it was popular long *before* BitTorrent came out.

And besides, it's much, much funnier.

The cultural references are great. Just off the top of my head you've got Burt Reynolds, Mark Hammil and the Fat One from N Sync. And they provide their own voices too! Which is odd, because this show is anything but affectionate. It even features the Darkest Sketch Ever, which involves the brutal double homicide of some poor kid's mother and the tooth fairy.

Stand-out moments so far have to include Harrison Ford voted in to save the world from an asteroid strike ("I'm an actor. You are all insane."), or the wonderful Cannonball Run homage featuring Vin Disel, Evil Kneval, Mario and Luigi, Batman, the cops from CHIPs and the ever-so homoerotic Dukes of Hazzard. It's either that or the Battlestar Galactica blooper reel which shows just how useless the Cylons really were.

And if you ever want to know what would happen if James T Kirk went into business with Kahn Noonian Singh then look no further. Ever wondered what would happen if Keanu Reeves had replaced David Duchovny in the X-Files? It's not pretty. And where else can you confront the stark reality of Optimus Prime suffering from prostrate cancer?

It will probably be a difficult job hunting this chicken down, which is a shame. I wouldn't be so mad at the MPAA if a legal alternative existed. I'd happily pay good money for comedy this golden and the moment I can throw some cash at these guys (DVD? Oh sorry, I'm not supposed to that either, am I?) I'll be there with my credit card. All we can really hope for is that a British broadcaster, who isn't afraid of the Americanisms and genuinely disturbing content, picks it up. I've sent some episodes to SFX in the vain hope that they'll do a report on it to kick-start some UK interest, and if it works then I'll be completely vindicated. Which would help me if it ever comes to defending my job.

Finally, did anyone catch The Fall on Jools Holland tonight? An outstanding performance in which the ever-crackers Mark E Smith did a bloody good impression of Bester from Babylon 5. It's a funny old world.

Remote Control

Sorry for the lack of regular updates. There isn't anything on the TV that's really inspired me to write anything of late. Except Doctor Who, of course, which is really turning out to be a triumph beyond my wildest dreams, but that's another blog entirely.

I wish I had more to get my teeth into. It's got so bad my Sky+ hard-drvie is full of repeats of All Creatures Great and Small. Most of my televisual heroin comes in the form of American reality shows these days, including Survivor and The Amazing Race - and I don't know if any of my readers have ever bothered to download them so I won't bother telling you how utterly fantastic they are. Especially the bit when a bloke almost lost a million dollars because he couldn't pay a taxi driver 25 dollars. Or the bit when a bloke dives into the sea and wrestles with a shark, kills it, and then eats it. I'm telling you, Emmerdale ain't got nothing on this.

And their version of The Apprentice is a million times better than ours. Which is saying something.

However, it looks like my ability to indulge in this guilty pleasure may have been curtailed by the pesky MPAA, although what motion pictures have to do with reality TV shows is anyone's guess. Yeah, yeah, I know that Paramount owns Enterprise etc, blah, blah, blah, but how am I harming anyone when I download a reality TV show that isn't shown in this country (even on satellite, but god knows why they won't buy these gems when will buy unmitigated shit like Fear Factor) and where there aren't any DVDs available. Anywhere!

I understand that this "purging" of torrent sites is an attempt to pave the way for legitimate Peer to Peer networks (it's the Napster story all over again), but I fear that the territories will stay exclusive, and I won't be able to download two of the most incredible shows on television today just because I live in the wrong post-code. Or is that zip code?

It's just a good job nobody controls Usenet. Ahem.

And if all of that drivel is mind-numbingly tedious to you, then I apologise. Suggest something British for me to watch. And no, I'm not giving The Farm more than the fifteen minutes I've already given it. I'm currently RTV-ed out, what with BB6 just around the corner.

Incidentally, I'm toying with the idea of a collaborative BB blog for the next series. Will any serious volunteers send me an email please...

Anyway, suggest a show for me to watch (just post it in the comments section below) and I promise to give you a review. With jokes in it. Or your money back.

Mind Games

Has Derren Brown gone too far?

Don't get me wrong, I'm thoroughly enjoying his new series (especially that bit when he somehow managed to bamboozle Simon Pegg into wanting a red BMX bike; even after he showed us how he "did it" I was still none the wiser) but there have been a couple of "did he really just do that?" moments that have made me seriously question the ethics of this show. Either that or it's a big fat con-job.

The first uncomfortable moment came during a stare-out contest in Portmeirion where Brown managed to send a bloke half-crazy with fear; he looked as if someone was disemboweling him with a pair of curling tongs. The participant was so distressed he almost punched Derren in the face!

But at least the guy had a choice, and when Derren Brown offers to stare you out then you've got to expect the unexpected.

But the poor sod who formed the centrepiece of his latest show wasn't so lucky. He casually strolls into a pub, starts to play one of those 'House of the Dead' zombie-games and the next thing you know he's trapped in a real George A. Romero nightmare with what appears to be real zombies and a real gun. Impressive? Yes. Ethical? Hmmmm.

At first you simply can't believe that Derren has managed to pull it off. He's successfully designed an arcade game that sends the player into a catatonic state (a bit like Tetris), and then he's managed to accurately reconstruct the game's surroundings a few yards down the road. Just imagine what he could do if he really put his mind to it.

The reactions of the "player" were fascinating. At first he throws down the gun and looks for a way out. Then he starts to shit himself as a zombie shuffles towards him. When faced with the inevitable he finally picks up the gun and blows the zombie away, screaming "Die! Die! DIE!" at the top of his lungs. It was very realistic, with exploding squibs and blood flying in all directions. Then more zombies appear. At one point the guy is so freaked out he starts shooting one of the zombies repeatedly at point-blank range and you can tell that he's really hurt them!

This goes on for ages until he's eventually trapped in another room. In walks Derren (who is immediately shot at!) and he puts his subject back in a catatonic state again and ships him back to the pub.

But the most disturbing aspect of all are the reactions of this poor bloke's "friends" who let all of this happen without so much as a shrug. Were they hypnotised too? Why didn't they stop it, or at least question it? Maybe it was edited out of the transmitted programme, in which case they should sue for looking like a right pair of dispassionate twats.

But it was the player I felt sorry for. He didn't have a say in it. He didn't volunteer to be placed in a living nightmare. And when he finally came out of it and he described the sensation of "playing the game" the murderous look in his eyes sent chills down my spine. If it had been me, I'd have been furious.

Either it's all a fix (in which case I want my money back) or Derren just pushed Candid Camera into the seventh circle of Hell, and it's just one more thing to feel paranoid about in this crazy world we live in.