I've been playing poker for approximately seven years now. I caught the bug thanks to Channel 4's Late Night Poker that ran during the graveyard shift in the late 1990s. However, while I'll happily admit that I'm one of these new-fangled Internet players, I do take pride in the fact that I was into this game long before the world and his wife suddenly knew what "the stone cold nuts" meant.
You can't move for poker on the telly these days. It's a mainstay of the schedules on both Discovery Home and Leisure and Challenge TV, but now - inevitably - it has its very own channel - imaginatively titled... wait for it... The Poker Channel.
A channel so cheap it actually gives Babestation Contacts a run for its money.
And yes, all the adverts are for loan companies.
The opening salvo in this new channel's arsenal is The Poker Godfather. Sounds great, doesn't it? I bet you're thinking: hard-nut gangsters, smoky back room card games and gripping scenes of ex-cons upping the ante with "the keys to the lock-up", aren't you?
Well, think again.
To be fair, it's quite a clever idea. Realising that the bulk of this channel's audience is probably going to be made up of completely useless Internet players, they decide to kill a couple of hours of airtime by sending in a professional player to administer some much needed help to some poor hapless nugget who still thinks 7-2-suited is a playable hand.
So we get a man who usually spends his time quaffing martinis in Monte Carlo spending an evening in a shed with Manuel. While Manuel eats his dinner in front of his PC.
I don't know about you, but if someone was coming to my house/shed to record a TV show, no matter how poxy or cheap that show might be, I would
a) tidy up a bit
b) make sure I'd finished my dinner and
c) have a wash.
The Godfather takes his seat next to Manuel (who is shovelling chicken chow mein into his face) and he stamps his authority on the proceedings by subjecting his host to a stern lecture about "rag kickers". Manuel says 'Yes' after every other word, which is a) very annoying b) a clear indication that he isn't listening to a damn thing and c) disgusting, as his mouth is full of noodles.
And this is where is starts to become really funny. You see, Manuel falls into the usual on-line poker trap of playing really crap hands. When he's instructed by the professional to fold an Ace-Six off-suit, you can see Manuel roll his eyes in dismay. Hand after hand, the Godfather orders Manuel to fold and you start to wonder if Manuel will throw a cup of scolding hot coffee in his guest's smug mug every time the flop proves his contention that a jack is a decent card after all.
Thankfully, Manuel hits a straight by accident and he's so excited he drops the plate of chow mein into his guest's lap.
The Godfather tries to stay good natured, but the surreptitious glances at his watch tell a different story. Then, out of the blue, and after many interminable lulls where he has to make conversation with the monosyllabic Manuel because they've just folded pocket 6s again, he suddenly decides to go all-in with pocket 7s. They get annihilated by a pocket Queens and poor Manuel looks as if his whole world has come crashing in around him.
But the best bit is when the Godfather leaves. Despite remaining affable in the face of blind ignorance, as soon as he's out of earshot he starts laying into Manuel's playing style and his squalid shed.
Given that the Poker Channel are already recycling content after only one week on-air, you stand a good chance of catching this car crash every other night for the next six months (when they'll probably go the same way as the unbelievably misconceived The Advert Channel).
Go on, treat yourself.
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