Watching too much telly

Help

I wasn't expecting  a great deal from Help (Sundays, BBC2). I've never been a big fan of Paul Whitehouse ('The Fast Show'  never did it for me and it certainly wasn't BRIILIANT!) but I've got to say that, based on the opening episode, this is comedy genius.

Forget the fantastic make-up jobs (and trust me, you will) and concentrate on the brilliant character comedy instead. This show  runs the whole comedy gamut - from broad and silly stuff ("I like to squat in people's minds), dark irony ("Some of them is black") to the bittersweet ("Still, it could be worse..."). For every belly-laugh there's a moment that tugs hard on your ice-cold soul.

And it's all anchored superbly by Chris Langham. It makes a nice change to actually see him, and finally, I can place a face to the voice in People Like Us.

Anyway, if it keeps this up we could be looking at a classic. I just hope that some of the characters we meet here return in subsequent episodes. I want to experience that story about the guy who didn't want therapy but really, really needed it. Ok, it's a cheesy idea but it was brilliantly delivered.

Have I mentioned that I liked it yet?

Waiting for Christopher...

I've been busy.

I've made a couple of decisions.

The first one is this: the Doctor Who Stripped Down sessions will now commence on Tuesday March 1st. This means the 1996 TV Movie will end on Friday 25th for maximum impact. It will also create maximum disruption for Corrie fans.

But the blogging won't take place here.

Oh no, I've come up with a much better idea.

Having recently upgraded my Typepad account (so I can screw around with the raw html and css files) I discovered that not only can I run multiple blogs, but I can run blogs with multiple authors. How cool is that?

That means I can give some of you a blog  - for free!

With this in mind I've come up with Waiting for Christopher - a collaborative blog which anyone can join. I've already sent invitations out to some of you, but if for some reason your spam filter ate it or I haven't got your "real' email address, simply send me an email asking to join and I'll sort it out. Am I kind to you lot, or what?

Authors get full posting rights and they can edit their own posts at any time. If you contact me as a new poster I can set you up as a Junior Author which means I have to check that you aren't a chav before your stuff gets published.

Of course, if this all sounds like too much like hard work, you can always come and lurk or post the usual comments. Full details about this new community-based real-time split-screen blog experience can be found on the brand new Waiting for Christopher blog right now.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Comic Aid

I would like to take this opportunity to appeal to all of my readers. Together we can make a difference. Together we can stop a tragedy from unfurling before our very eyes. All we have to do is pick up the phone and call. What could be simpler?

That's right; we have to do everything in our power to keep Jon Culshaw in Fame Academy.

I felt so sorry for him. The only reason he survived is because nobody likes a Reality TV Whore, even if he can make a nice fish pie.

And how many contestants were on this show? There seemed to be hundreds at one stage. Even with the aid of my sixteen year old daughter I couldn't work out who the hell most of them were.

So come on Doctor Who fans - we're usually brilliant when it comes to fixing phone polls, so let's turn our attention to poor old Jon. A man who even managed to remind Tom Baker how fantastic Tom Baker really is. Pick up the phone now.

Doctor Who Stripped Down

Remember when Lorraine Heggessey (gawd bless her) announced the idea of showing repeats of old, dare I say, classic, episodes of Doctor Who in the run up to the new, dare I say, classic, new series?

I'm glad they didn't/haven't. They probably would have just reinforced the old stereotypes (it wobbles!) and they could have put people off before a new episode had even aired (it's shit!). With luck we'll just get a repeat of The Story of Dr Who in some graveyard slot and everybody will be happy.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm getting seriously excited now. I've even decided to watch some old Who on my own, just to ramp up the tension. Then I thought, why not watch them with my loyal blog audience? You know, the Chavs and Traceurs.

So, I propose that we kick off with a Pertwee (cos the other two are, dare I say it, bloody terrible), specifically Spearhead from Space. There are various reasons for this choice:

1) It's been tarted up on DVD and as a result it looks half-decent

2) It was a series re-boot (so some similarities to 'Rose')

3) It's got the Autons in it (so even more similarities to 'Rose')

4) It's the only Pertwee I can sit through without contemplating suicide.

Here's the deal: one episode a day Monday-Friday at 7pm (just after Hollyoaks).

We start next Monday 28th February and continue with:

Pyramids of Mars, Caves of Androzani, Vengeance on Varos and Remembrance of the Daleks. We finish up with The 1996 TV Movie on Wednesday 23rd March.

All of these stories are available on DVD. Some Blockbusters have been known to rent them, as do the new Amazon.co.uk rental service. They are also going cheap on Play. So there's no excuse. I'd love it if anyone who isn't all that familiar with the show could join in with this, but forcing some kids to watch it would be acceptable too.

Hopefully, this strip-down will:

a) get us in the mood

b) give us the opportunity to discuss what we liked/hated about the old show and what we we'd like to see in the new series

c) rip off Outpost Gallifrey, but in a 24-style real-time kinda way.

I'll open a thread on the day an episode starts and you can feed in your own comments as we go.

So, Who's with me? Geddit?

Stop the Press!

How's this for a turn up for the books?: BT have fixed the problem! They may even have patched up the recent civil war between my wife and her brother! I'm online again and unless the sky falls in I'm fairly confident that I'll stay that way (well, with bathroom breaks).

Downtime

The BT saga rumbles on...

Looks like I won't have any internet access for at least another week or two. It really does beggar belief.

I'll try and make the odd post when I'm here at work but I'm rushed off my feet at the moment with deadlines and stuff, so I might be out of action for a while.

But just before I go - wasn't Jamie's School Dinners hilarious?

Hardcore Parkour

Right, I did it. All the evidence can be found by clicking here  or by looking under 'Photo Albums' on the left.

Just a couple of things before you go though:

1) It's called satire. Please feel free to look it up.

2) No, I didn't use Photoshop

and

3) Yes, it hurts. My right ankle is seriously swollen.

I would also like to point out the following to my fellow Parkourers:

1) I'm in my mid-thirties and up until 6 weeks ago I was a 20 tabs a day man. I'm reasonably fit but I'm not in my teens anymore!

2) I am so hardcore I Parkoured in blizzard conditions!

3) I've invented rural free-running. You can keep your Urban style, it's so yesterday.

Now feel free to flame me. It can't hurt worse than my back does right now...

Oh, and the new issue of Tachyon TV is now out. It could have been the last...

And finally, to those of you who have come to my blog late and haven't got a clue why I'd put myself through that, please feel free to check out the post that started it all.

Dirty Den: R.I.P. (again)

It was 20 years ago today. Hard to believe, isn't it?

It's been one hell of a week in Albert Square. The  opening words in Friday's episode summed it up perfectly: "The end of an era". Let's hope so, eh? Things haven't been too rosy for the soap lately; things got so bad even I stopped watching it for a bit, which is saying something. But I'm glad to report that EastEnders has reclaimed its place in my heart.

There are so many wonderful moments to mention from the last few days: Den traceuring over the bar to break up a fight (a lovely nod to the very first episode), Dot and Pauline doing a "best of" set-list in the Vic, Ian Beale suddenly air-guitaring to 'Motorhead' (OK, so it hasn't all been great).

And let's not forget the brilliant use of music: Born to be Wild (the first song ever heard in the Vic), All Woman, Andy tapping his feet to Chris Rea's Road to Hell as he blithely headed for his death, cackling like he was auditioning for his inevitable slide into a career in pantomime.

EastEnders began its life with a death, and now, twenty years later, we get two for the price of one. This is what happens when you let the gangsters move in. The deaths themselves have been two of the worst kept secrets in television, but what has been a lot of fun is guessing how they'd both snuff it.

To be fair, Andy got the rough end of the deal last night. If it hadn't have been an anniversary story he never would have pops his clogs like that. But as luck would have it he picked the biggest night of the year to rip-off Johnny " he loves his mum" Allen.

Let's face it: Andy's death was pathetic. What happened? Did the stuntman forget to turn up? And who was it screaming "Ahhhhhhhh" off-camera? It certainly wasn't the bloke who played Andy. If you thought Dirty Den's original 'splash' was laughable you ain't seen (or heard) anything yet.

Then again, we never did see a body, did we?

But in the middle of all the forced comedy, twee and cheesy moralising (it really was a celebration of everything EastEnders has offer) there were two marvellous twists that I didn't see coming at all. OK, I admit it - I was literally on the edge of my seat.

When Sharon slipped out of the shadows I was left speechless. The speech in the street about how Den died many, many years ago was very powerful and poignant and whatever you might think of Leslie Grantham he pulled out the stops for his last hurrah.

And he was killed by a dog! Why didn't they whack him with the Queen Vic bust instead? A missed opportunity in an episode already brimming over with nostalgic symbolism.

And then Den rose from the dead - AGAIN!!! I jumped out of my skin! It's just a shame that some shoddy editing made it look like Chrissie only imagined the resurrection. Paranormal plot twist or the result shooting multiple endings? Either way I can't wait to see how the Sunday omnibus will handle the bit when she caves his head in.

So, what now for EastEnders? Personally, I think it's turned a corner.

Here's to the next twenty years...

BT Do It Again

This is just great.

BT arrive today in order to fix my brother-in-laws phone line. Now, the last time they did this they knocked our phone line off. When they reconnected ours they knocked his off.

Does anyone else see a pattern emerging here?

So, we told the BT guy not to do ANYTHING to knock us off again.

All this went on while I was in bed. When I heard that BT were under the caravan I went ballistic. I was calling them every name under the sun and they must have heard me. Anyway, the BT bloke claimed to have fixed the problem. We even had a dial tone. So we let him go.

When I come to connect to the net, however, it's a different story.

The quality of the line is so poor the modem sounds like it's trying to take its own life. I'm convinced that some of the sounds it emits have never been heard by human ears before.

I can't connect on my iBook at all. I can connect on my PC laptop though. For 3 minutes.

THREE MINUTES!

Then I get cut off.

Just to post this will take me 6 reconnects.

Anyway, Parkour is postponed until tomorrow. I've just wasted yet another day on B-fucking-T.

Exclusive Tachyon TV preview

A new issue of Tachyon TV is almost ready to go. However, I've learnt that publishing at the weekend is a waste of time so I won't be sending out the mailing list notifications until Monday morning BUT I thought my loyal blog readers (and those Traceurs) might like a sneak peek.

You can have a look at it here

I'm still able to take "mini" stories for that right hand column so if you've got anything short and snappy you'd like to see on the site, post it here or email it to me. You've got until 9pm on Sunday when I'll move that page to the regular address.

If anyone spots any typos or errors please let me know.

Right, I'm off to train for my free-running session tomorrow. It's suddenly dawned on me that my detractors haven't worked out that I'm in my mid-thirties yet. However, I do have the perfect parkour environment - empty barns, caravans, hay bales... Hey, I'll even get to traceur from a tractor. How cool is that?