Watching too much telly

TV Drama of the Year

A terrible year. Just terrible.

Just look at the evidence: a laughable third installment in the Messiah series, the rather silly Blackpool, that misinformed bollocks called The Grid, a just-OK Mine, All Mine, a terrible new series of Teachers (Oh my God, they killed Kurt!), the thoroughly disturbing Nip/Tuck, and to top it all 24 gave us a game of three halves (good - excellent - shite). Again!

We did get some respite from Shameless (which is hardly a straight drama), Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars pressed all the right buttons, and Lost is shaping up nicely, but apart from that it was all a bit grim. Where was State of Play 2? And whatever happened to Alan Bleasdale?

There were two stand-out dramas though. One British, one American (but partly funded by and starring some Brits).

Battlestar Galactica is a revelation. It was supposed to fail spectacularly! How can a show with such a cheesy heritage produce a series so dark and adult in tone? Like Lexx - but good! It's a little bit like remaking Chorlton and the Wheelies and getting an Emmy. But I just can't fault it. One poor episode in 9 (so far) is an incredible ratio, especially for a new series. Touch wood.

The design is superb, the effects are spot on, the direction is inspiring and the plots aren't predictable. The cast are great too; my favourites are Baltar and Mr Gator (who is obviously a Cylon) and Garidbaldi's Dad.

I was worried about the human-Cylon thing at first, but this cost-cutting exercise has actually resulted in some great paranoia fueled plot-lines, although "guess the Cylon" is beginning to get on my nerves a little bit.

In short, it's Babylon 5 done the way that you saw it in your head.

I just pray to the Gods of Kobal that this "plan" the Cylons have doesn't turn out to be complete and utter nonsense! I'm beginning to get this horrible feeling that they're making it up as they go along, but I'm trying to remain optimistic.

And then we've got the winner (when push comes to shove): Bodies. Another drama set in a hospital! Yay! 2004 was the year for hospitals, wasn't it? Casualty, Holby City, No Angels, Garth Merenghi's Darkplace, Kingdom Hospital, Nip/Tuck (sort of), The Green Wing, ER. No wonder that Doctor Who got recommissioned.

However, Bodies was the only show that seemed to get it "right". At least I hope it isn't right. If it is I don't want to go to hospital ever again, even if my intestines are slipping through my fingers at the time. I'll take my chances.

Trouble is, it's written by an ex-NHS Doctor and you get the distinct impression that it is right. Best not to think about it.

Bodies was bloody brilliant. A glittering jewel in the BBC3 crown which finally arrived on BBC1 just a few weeks ago. I don't think I've ever felt so riveted to a TV show before. Or so shocked. Watching some of the gory medical procedures made me feel exhausted, and extremely disturbed.

I don't see how they could possible follow it up with another series, but I hope they can.

ADSL Hell

I've almost rejoined civilisation. I've got a phone line. I've got Sky Plus up and running again. I even have a 512k ADSL broadband connection!

The only thing I don't have is a ADSL modem.

And 10 points to the first person who can guess who's fault that is...

I'm using a free, anonymous dial-up connection at the moment and I'm lucky to hit the dizzing speeds of 14k. I tried to order a book from Amazon yesterday and it took me AN HOUR! It would have been quicker to go to the shops. Just logging onto typepad to post this took 30 minutes!

I might get the modem by Christmas but it's a big might.

Elimination TV of the Year

OK, so why haven't I called this category Reality TV?

What's reality got to do with it? These shows aren't concerned with reality and trying to compare something like Big Brother with The Amazing Race in terms of realism just seems, well, odd. It isn't reality that binds these shows together, it's rejection. Wether it be from the judges on The X-Factor or your peers on Survivor, elimination (or if you're Paul Darrow: "e-lim-in-aaaa-tion") is literally the name of the game.

This was one of the hardest categories to tackle. The list of candidates was staggering. Which says a lot about the state of television in the 21st century. Probably. But who really cares? I love this kind of shit.

Just look at the list: two seasons of I'm A Celebrity, The X-Factor, Big Brother, The Farm, The Games, Back to Reality, Shattered, Spy, The Block and Hell's Kitchen. while from the other side of the pond I watched two seasons of Survivor, another Big Brother, one and a half seasons of The Amazing Race and Joe Average.

Yeah, I'm a sad bastard. Go back to watching Newsnight.

Here's my top 10 of the year, in reverse order.

10) I'm A Celebrity Season 4: Natalie Appleton freaks out and Paul Burrell re-enacts scenes from Flash Gordon.

9) I'm A Celebrity Season 3: Peter Andre's Insania and John Lydon tells the public what he really thinks of them

8) Big Brother USA Twin Season: poor girl finds out the dumb Texan hick is her long-lost brother.

7) The Farm: Vanilla Ice threatens to kill Terry Christian and *that* incident with the pig.

6) Hell's Kitchen: Gordon loses his temper with Edwina. In fact, when Gordon loses his temper with anyone will do, really.

5) Survivor All-Stars Season 8: Richard Hatch and Boston Rob redefining what it means to be a bastard. Bless 'em.

4) Back to Reality: Maureen throws cold water on Ricardo from the Salon and Jade comes down with a nasty case of Jeff.

3) Big Brother 5: Fight Night. Nuff said.

2) The Amazing Race Season 5: the moment where the jingoistic contestant nearly gets arrested in the third world for not paying a taxi driver.

And the winner of the coveted Tachyon TV Elimination TV of the year award goes to, appropriately enough, Hercules.

Now I *really* blogged about this when it was on early in the year, and nothing had  beaten it since. I still marvel at the wonders performed by some of those atheltes, especially from Rob Dixon, the eventual winner. Is he still alive?

And can any of the shows above boast a soundtrack by the likes of Supertramp, Pink Floyd and Queen? Or have Avon from Blake's 7 pretending to be a greek god? For.... four....teen....con....sec.....utive.................NIGHTS!

Nah, didn't think so.

TV Comedy of the Year

While I'm still smarting over the fact that Tachyon TV still hasn't got it's own TV show yet, I've got to admit that 2004 has been a pretty good year for TV comedy.

Dead Ringers ("Wake me up when I'm Sylvester McCoy"), I Am Not An Animal ("Shoe Trees!"), Coupling ("Exterminate!"), Experimental ("the cab is just over here"), Little Britain ("He's gorgeous!") and Back to Reality ("Maureen!") (sorry, wrong category) all played a pretty good game - and let's not forget that Keith Barrett almost certainly helped in the break-up of Kerry McWestlife's marriage - but in the end I had to whittle it down to three shows.

And here they are, in reverse order:

In third place we've got Nighty Night. A comedy so dark and unforgiving you felt dirty for laughing at it. How did they get away with it? The ending was so horrific I'm still having nightmares about it now. But somehow it still managed to be funny. Very funny, thanks to Julia Davis as Jill, a character so cruel and twisted she makes Alan Partridge look like a diplomat. Not for everyone (my wife thought it was disgusting but then again she almost divorced me over the Brass Eye Pedophile special) but if macabre, envelope-pushing is your thing then this show was simply unmissable. Even Angus Deayton was good in it!

In second place (and this was a tough one to call) I've got Garth Merenghi's Darkplace. More belly laughs per square inch than all the other shows combined, and so attuned to a certain sensibility that you're left with the distinct impression that the show was made especially for you, this came out of the blue to knock me off my feet. There are far too many great things to mention here, but top marks go to Sanchez's voice, Garth's voice, the bosses voice... oh, all the voices! And the way in which said voices refuse to sync up with the lips - genius!

Skipper the Eye-Child, Scotch Mist, Sanchez doing a Miami-Vice, the Gerry Anderson Helicopter, the utter disregard for continuity, naff special effects set in a spooky hospital (opps, wrong series) and slo-mo karate sliding. What more could you ask for?

When Darkplace finally arrives on DVD give it a go. You might find that you've misjudged the genre, like so many others...

And the winner is: The Green Wing. I'll say it one more time: the trailers made this show look like shit. TLC meet Scrubs with that woman with the big face off Coupling, I thought. I almost didn't bother with it. Thank God I did.

This was the TV highlight of my week for nine long weeks. NIne weeks! And not only did it cover twice the length of your usual comedy series, it was an hour long too! Academic, if the show turned out to be shite, but this was fried comedy gold served on a platter of gently sautéed genius. Phew.

The direction and editing were groundbreaking (no, it wasn't just a case of randomly speeding up and slowing down the action, it was quite clearly immaculately thought out) and the acting was uniformly brilliant, with special praise going to Mark Heap who continues to demonstrate his willingness to do absolutely anything in the name of comedy.

I loved all of the characters, from the arrogant Secretan to the pathetic Martin. The moment where Guy told Martin that he'd finally passed his Doctor's exam, only to admit that he was joking - *after* he's celebrated for 10 minutes in fake slow motion, - will stay with me forever.

The Green Wing also contained the best cocaine sight-gag since Woody Allen's Annie Hall. And you can't say fairer than that.

Farewell Suprnova

The best internet TV station by a mile just went belly up. How I am going to watch the lastest episode of Enterprise now? Bloody typical! Maybe BT got involved? I'm just hoping that some industrious Russian hacker takes up the challenge...

Game of the Year

There's no real competition here. Partly because I haven't had the time to play very many games, and partly because there is only one real contender. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas is an incredible game of epic proportions which I would recommend to everyone (except very young children and those of you easily offended by bad language and acts of random violence).

When you first start playing the game it feels just like a re-run of Vice City. Sure, there are more motorbikes to ride (and push-bikes!) but I have to admit that I was initially disappointed. But then the scale of the thing kicks in. Remember in Vice City how you could travel between districts with a quick ride over a bridge and a short load-time delay? Well, this game is so big you need to take a plane to get from one side of the map or the other. If you try driving it it can take you a good 30minutes. It's the equivalent of driving from Hartlepool to Sunderland in real time! And there are no loading delays! I haven't got a clue how they managed to pull that off.

But size isn't everything. The real joy is the plot. It's a wild ride to be sure. A brilliant pastiche on just about every action movie you've ever seen. One minute you are parachuting onto the back of a plane (a la James Bond), the next you are kicking butt in a Mafia restuarant (micking the famous tracking scene from Goodfellas but with more guns) and then you are re-enacting scenes from Boyz in the Hood. And the choice of voice actors is inspired. You've got James Woods as a cliched riddled FBI agent, Samuel L Jackson is in bad-ass mode as a bent copper and Shaun Ryder is hilarious as a drugged up Manc. And that's just for starters.

The humour is what makes the game. From the side-splitting radio adverts and talk show skits (is that Sanchez from Darkplace I can hear?) to the insults hurled at you by pedestrians, there's always something to crack you up. I love the way the news reports update to reflect the mayhem you are causing too. And look out for a sly dig at that really terrible game, Driver 3.

My favourite mission so far involves Peter Fonda sending you into an Area-51 type secret base to "steal whatever it is they don't want you to have the most" and before you know it you are in the middle of Half Life, with the base bathed in red lights and sirens, a countdown to immient destruction ringing in your ears. But while all this goes on you are harrangued by a woman on a tannoy who mixes traditional dialogue like "the base will self-destruct" with "if you intend to go to the next office party please let reception know" and "employees are reminded to walk not run in the corridors". It was so funny I decided not to bother escaping and I waited for death, my sides splitting.

And then there's the music. As the game is set in the early 90s you've got a smorgasboard of classics no matter what your taste in music happens to be. Nothing can beat mowing down gang members to the strains of NWA before driving a motorbike off a cliff face for the hell of it to 808 State's Pacific 707. Brilliant stuff!

Have I mentioned the sub-games yet? This game has some fiendishly addictive distractions to overcome, like poker and blackjack, a pretty mean pool game and even old-style space invaders. The level of interactivity is stunning. If you can see it you can probably use it. The Sims-lite touches are are little annoying though (buying clothes, dating women and having haircuts) but you can ignore them if you like. However, playing some missions in a gimp suit does have its rewards.

And you can swim too! Remember how teetering over a wall into the water used to kill you? Now you can swim around the entire map if you want to!

And what other game lets you drive everything from a moped to an attack helicopter? The only vehicles I haven't found (yet) are a submarine and a spaceship. Give it time...

In short, it's a monster of a game that doesn't put a foot wrong. The missions are challenging and fun, and you never get frustrated with sections that you simply can't complete. In short, there's always something to do. You'll spend most of your time laughing yourself silly.

Put it on your Christmas list. You won't regret it.

Review of the Year

Over the next few days I'll be looking back on 2004 and marking out the cultural highs and lows. It's like the BBC4 Art's Show, The Gist, but with less syllables. The categories include: best TV drama, comedy, factual and reality show, best DVD, film, game, book and CD. I'll finish up with the year's turkeys (that might take some time!) and my all-time favourite TV moment of the year. Please send comments about your own choices as we go.

And the first cab off the rank is:

The Holidays Are Go!

Today is, without a doubt, the best day of the Christmas holidays, mainly because it's the first. Three weeks of pure bliss: lie-ins, lazy days and the infinite potential of "making the most of it" sprawling out before me.

I'll probably read this back in three weeks time and quietly weep.

It's also the same day that the Christmas listing magazines kick in.

Ever since I was a wee bairn getting the Christmas Radio Times and TV Times has always been a holiday highlight for me. I'd grab a pen and circle all of the great shows I'd look forward to. This was the first time I hear my mother describe me as being 'anal' and for years it confused the hell out of me. This was back in the days when listing guides were kept separate and the Radio Times was printed in sombre black and white on cheap paper. God, I can still smell it.

This year I grabbed my pen and...

Is it just me or is this the worst Christmas in living memory for decent telly? Or is just my age? Granted, back in the day I would circle shows like Champion the Wonder Horse, 1930s Flash Gordon serials and that weird show where they get shipwrecked on that magical island (a bit like Lost but without the budget) but now that I'm in my 30s I'm struggling to build up any enthusiasm for anything at all.

So, what did I manage to circle this year?

A Southbank Show Profile on Philip Pullman (this Sun, ITV)
The Keith Barrett Show (this Sun, BBC2)
Grumpy Old Women at Christmas (Tues BBC2)
The British Comedy Awards (Weds, ITV)
Shameless Christmas Special (Thurs, C4)
The 100 Greatest Christmas Moments (Xmas Eve, C4)
The 100 TV Treats of 2004 (Boxing Day, C4)
QI Christmas Special (Boxing Day, BBC2)
Winners and Losers 2004 (Thurs, BBC2)
Celebrity Mastermind (New Years Eve, BBC1)

And that's it! Crap, innnit? OK, there's a Dennis Potter season on BBC4 but beyond that I'm incredibly underwhelmed by what's on offer. What are you looking forward to the most, if anything at all?

Move Over, BT

BT, all is forgiven. There's a new fuckwit in town. Yes, it's the welcome return of the complete and utter incompetence that is Sky.

They turned up this morning to install Sky Plus again. I bet you can guess the rest.

They refused to install the dish because we live in a caravan, despite the fact that we've told about this loads of times. They originally said it wouldn't be a problem, this being the 21st century,  but today that all suddenly changed. We have to dig a hole and fill it with concrete, apparently. Don't ask me why. I basically got the impression that the engineer just wanted to get out of the cold. At least no one brandished a shotgun this time.

Anyway, they are coming back on Tuesday. I'm not holding my breath.

It's Out!

The Doctor Who short story anthology that I'm in came out today. My copy turned up in the post this morning and opening it was a surreal experience to say the least. A childhood dream come true, and all that.

The biggest thrill was when I discovered that my story is actually mentioned on the blurb on the back of the book. With an exclamation mark and everything! I just hope the reviewers don't single me out for criticism, especially DWM, considering the last issue of Tachyon TV.

All I have to do now is get BBC books to go for my 'Gareth' idea...