It's back. It's on 16 consecutive nights! It's tried and tested fried gold! Only this time the Celebrities are anything but, even when compared to the last three seasons, and that's saying something.
I don't want to keep on harking on about this but Vic Reeve's wife? Is it just me? How does being married to a celebrity make you a celebrity? Especially when you've never done anything remotely interesting in your own right. Not all models are celebrities, you know. But she's Jane Fonda compared to Fran Whatshisname who didn't even marry anyone famous. He merely shagged someone vaguely famous. If you read Heat, that is.
So, in the usual Tachyon TV tradition, here's some snap judgments based on nothing more than the first episode. I'm usually completely wrong about them but hey, what the hell:
Joe Pascale: It was either him or the producer's would have exhumed Dustin Gee's corpse. I mean, a winner on New Faces! And when was that last on TV??! We can't even remember last week's X-Factor reject without dredging up memories of Saturday night talent shows from 15 years ago. Did you know that if Joe were to inhale helium only small dogs would be able to detect him?
Vic Reeve's wife: Vapid.
Paul Burrell: Is he an idiot, or what? The country hates you, you idiot. This is just our chance to collectively punish you. You will not be redeemed, Paul, and your publicist needs shooting. Do you really think we warmed to you when you shat your pants in the plane? No, mate, we cheered. Loudly.
Janet Street Porter: Absolutely no social skills whatsoever. I loved the bit when we saw a real celeb - Sir Elton John no less - tell us that Janet was a "love her or hate her" character. Great, two anti-social megalomaniacs hanging out together and slagging off the rest of human creation, no doubt. But she's great value. We need her to stay as long as possible. She's nasty to absolutely everyone! She also nearly mentioned her Agent on Day One, which always makes me laugh. She will be the highlight of this series you mark my words. Damn it, Janet, I love you.
Huggy Bear: Egomaniac who is still putting on a front of being really, really lovable. It won't last.
Natalie Appleton: JUST GO HOME AND SEND IN WILLIAM SHATNER! Why, Natalie? Why? What exactly did you expect? A hotel room made to look like a jungle? CGI stunt doubles? And if you are really scared of heights then explain how you made that video with All Saints on top of the skyscraper with the hole in it. Well?
Sophie Anderton: Who?
Brian Harvey: Nice way to get the sympathy vote and avoid all of the hassle of getting into the camp. Cynical, me?
Three Degrees Woman: Seems OK. As long as she stops singing.
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