Watching too much telly

Bye Bye Natalie

Finally, she got the message and has left the jungle. Thank God for that! I've never seen such a pathetic, self-absorbed, irritating and shallow contestant in all my life. Well, apart from Sophie. She claims that she went in to conquer her fears. Her fear of what? Walking and talking at the same time?

It's just a shame that she didn't give us the pleasure of voting her out first as well.

Send in the Shatner!

Join Me

Apparently, there's a new Star Wars Episode III teaser trailer available on the web. I say apparently because I haven't seen it. No, it's not because of my lack of internet access - it's by choice.

You see, I've decided to give Star Wars one last chance. I'm 100% convinced that the reason I was so disappointed with Eps 1&2 is down to the trailers - they promised too much! Not only that, every wonderful moment had been completely spoilt before I even sat down. In short, there was no wonder left.

I want to recapture what it felt like in 1977 when I sat down to watch the original with only a scant knowledge of what was going to happen.

If I manage to avoid spoilers and trailers (and it will get harder and harder as the months progress) them I'm sure I'll enjoy the movie more. If I still hate it, well, there you go.

So, who’s with me? Who’s going to do their utmost to avoid even a snippet of SW action for the next 6 months? Assuming you have managed it so far. Do I have a show of hands?

Tachyon TV Issue 20 Out Now!

The new issue of Tachyon TV (number 20 - can you believe it!) is now online. I never thought I'd ever write those words this side of Christmas...

I managed to knock it up over the weekend and it's the very first issue that I've managed to put together completely off-line on a 14" laptop. And it was murder. But something had to give, and to be completely honest with you I've given up on waiting for BT to get its bloody act together.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. The next issue (which is already half-complete!) will be a comprehensive review of the year. A year we never managed to cover, which is handy. If you fancy sending us a story you could even with a free DVD worth up to twenty quid. How generous is that? Regular issues will then continue from early 2005 in a bi-monthly fashion. Well, that's the plan. And you know me and plans...

I'm A Celebrity When I Get Out of Here

It's back. It's on 16 consecutive nights! It's tried and tested fried gold! Only this time the Celebrities are anything but, even when compared to the last three seasons, and that's saying something.

I don't want to keep on harking on about this but Vic Reeve's wife? Is it just me? How does being married to a celebrity make you a celebrity? Especially when you've never done anything remotely interesting in your own right. Not all models are celebrities, you know. But she's Jane Fonda compared to Fran Whatshisname who didn't even marry anyone famous. He merely shagged someone vaguely famous. If you read Heat, that is.

So, in the usual Tachyon TV tradition, here's some snap judgments based on nothing more than the first episode. I'm usually completely wrong about them but hey, what the hell:

Joe Pascale: It was either him or the producer's would have exhumed Dustin Gee's corpse. I mean, a winner on New Faces! And when was that last on TV??! We can't even remember last week's X-Factor reject without dredging up memories of Saturday night talent shows from 15 years ago. Did you know that if Joe were to inhale helium only small dogs would be able to detect him?

Vic Reeve's wife: Vapid.

Paul Burrell: Is he an idiot, or what? The country hates you, you idiot. This is just our chance to collectively punish you. You will not be redeemed, Paul, and your publicist needs shooting. Do you really think we warmed to you when you shat your pants in the plane? No, mate, we cheered. Loudly.

Janet Street Porter: Absolutely no social skills whatsoever. I loved the bit when we saw a real celeb - Sir Elton John no less - tell us that Janet was a "love her or hate her" character. Great, two anti-social megalomaniacs hanging out together and slagging off the rest of human creation, no doubt. But she's great value. We need her to stay as long as possible. She's nasty to absolutely everyone! She also nearly mentioned her Agent on Day One, which always makes me laugh. She will be the highlight of this series you mark my words. Damn it, Janet, I love you.

Huggy Bear: Egomaniac who is still putting on a front of being really, really lovable. It won't last.

Natalie Appleton: JUST GO HOME AND SEND IN WILLIAM SHATNER! Why, Natalie? Why? What exactly did you expect? A hotel room made to look like a jungle? CGI stunt doubles? And if you are really scared of heights then explain how you made that video with All Saints on top of the skyscraper with the hole in it. Well?

Sophie Anderton: Who?

Brian Harvey: Nice way to get the sympathy vote and avoid all of the hassle of getting into the camp. Cynical, me?

Three Degrees Woman: Seems OK. As long as she stops singing.

Blackpool

Hmmmmm. I'm not sure about this one. How can you possibly talk about Blackpool without mentioning Denis Potter? Lazy journalism? Hardly.

Blackpool is different. In a bad way, sadly.

The thing is this: in Potter's work the characters mime. In Blackpool they sing over the soundtrack. It's probably cheaper. It certainly sounds cheaper. But the biggest difference is the impromptu musical numbers don't make any sense!

In The Signing Detective the musical numbers take place in Marlowe's head. You can explain them away as the result of too many painkillers, depression, guilt and an overactive imagination. In Blackpool these "events" occur consensually between the characters. So it's really a musical where a) they can't be bothered to write any original songs and b) the actors don't really have to sign all that well.

This is a shame. I love David Morrissey and while the plot is compelling in its own right, I get the impression that it's being padded out with these whacky, irrelevant song and dance numbers. Maybe they'll grow on me. But what's the point? Morrissey lets us know that his character, Ripley Holden, is a money grabbing opportunist through his acting and the incisive dialogue. We don't need to see him signing 'You Can Get It If You Really Want It'. It just feels forced and self-indulgent.

You can also tell that Blackpool is 'whacky' because it uses twangy David Lynch music. Not a good sign this sign of the Millennium.

Cold Snap

The reality of spending winter in a caravan has finally kicked in. Even the Brass Monkeys have started hibernating up here. Our water pipes freeze on a daily basis and getting out of a warm bed is becoming even harder with each passing day. And it was f**king hard to start with. It's nippy to put it mildly. We're going through gas bottles like nobody's business.

The good news is that four and a half months to the day that we moved up here we'll finally be official owners the damn barn. Signatures on contracts and everything! I can hardly believe it. Of course, things will probably go wrong in the next couple of days, given our recent run of luck, but at least we seem to be getting closer to completion.

It's my last opportunity to bottle it.

By Your Command

I've got to say that I'm completely and utterly hooked on Battlestar Galactica at the moment. Not since Babylon 5 aired back in the mid-90s have I felt so addicted to a TV show. It's everything a discerning geek has been waiting years for: a science fiction show that really takes itself (and the audience) seriously. It's just weird that it just happens to come in the form of a remake of a 1970s disco space opera, more famous for its robotic dog that its compelling plot lines.

While it's pretty lazy to describe this show as 24 in space (it doesn't take place in real time and there's no split screens to be seen) I can appreciate the sentiment. This is an adult show. Not just because it isn't afraid to employ sex scenes but also because it doesn't take the easy way out. The good guys aren't the cavalry; the bad guys are better and cleverer (and sexier); and the concept of a happy ending seems to be light years away.

Sure, B5 was pretty gritty compared to Star Trek but it was also hindered by clichéd plots, forced comedy and the odd descent into pure farce. This is B5 with the embarrassing bits filed off.

Everything in Battlestar works. The acting (especially from James Olmos and Brit Jamie Bamber) is first rate, the CGI is probably the best seen in a TV show up until this point, the direction is inspired (sometimes it appears to be shot like a reality show!) and the score is simply sublime.

Five episodes in and I've almost forgotten that Doctor Who is coming back!

It’s that good. Even if it did kill Farscape.

Gutted

Despite the fact that I'm really looking forward to the next season of I'm a Celebrity... which starts this Sunday (hey, it's a guilty pleasure!) I have to admit that I was gutted to discover that William Shatner won't be taking part after all.

Imagine how cool that would have been? Captain Kirk versus Huggy Bear and squeaky Joe Pascale. That would have been TV heaven in anyone's book. Instead we have to suffer even more D-listers than usual, including Vic Reeve's wife and some other bloke who's only claim to fame is that he once shagged someone vaguely famous. Talk about the trades description act! Here's hoping they beam Kirk in when Burrell inevitably walks out...

Book Plug

Just a quick reminder about that Doctor Who book that I'm involved with. It's out towards the end of the December and full details can be found here

My short story is called Last Minute Shopping and it features the 5th Doctor, Tegan and Turlough rushing around Oxford Street in search of Christmas gifts. It also includes material from such Who stalwarts as Lawrence Miles, Marc Platt and Terrence Dicks. How I managed to sneak in is anyone's guess!

It's a childhood ambition come true.

Sick Note

I'm afraid that wee bout of flu I mentioned a few posts ago turned into something more significant and as a result I've been off sick for a few days. As a result I haven't had any net access. I expect to be back up to speed in a couple of days so blogging should resume mid-week. Cheers.