Tachyon TV

To Boldly Go Into Virginity

Thousands of angry middle-aged Star Trek fans across America have stormed Universal Pictures offices demanding a refund after they'd sat through screenings of The 40 Year Old Virgin and were deeply disappointed and upset that the film wasn't a heart warming bio-pic of a Trek fan.

Trek's End: The Government Swings Into Action

With the last episode of Star Trek: Enterprise airing last night on Sky One, a nation's Trek fans now find a large, gaping hole in their sad existence. Worried that this will generate a situation where thousands of sad, social inadequates have way too much time on their hands, and might start making mischief, the Government has issued a pamphlet with lots of handy hints and tips to help these couch Trekkers cope with facing up to harsh reality of life without their favourite show.

Amongst the pearls of wisdom contained within...

• Broadcasters have been issued with copies of the classic Trek episode "The City on the Edge of Forever" which will air round the clock on all channels should social unrest break out and the rioting herds need to be pacified.
• Surgical procedures to add permanent prosthetic Vulcan ear extensions and Klingon cranial ridges will be offered free on the NHS.
• Detailed descriptions of a new life-form, new to these Trek fans at least, has been included. The booklet urges all these young males to seek out "girls" and also contains some handy opening lines guaranteed (by Robin Cook) to work.

Religious leaders are also standing by to help, should anyone want to convert to Who fandom. Look out for your copy today!

Trek Un-united

Reported by Matthew Sawyer