Tachyon TV

News In Brief

• To celebrate the acquisition of 'Profiler', 'Code Name: Eternity' and 'Roswell', Sky TV have insisted that channel 130 rename itself 'The Sci-Fi Cancelled'.
• Nicol Kidman is to star in a remake of 'Invasion of the Bodysnatchers'. She will play a journalist who fails to notice that the inhabitants of a small Californian town are being taken over by aliens until it's too late, mainly because she's living in Cockfosters at the time.
• Michael Sheard wows mourners by signing autographs for over five hours at his own funeral! All science fictions conventions will now run approx 12% faster but, unfortunately, they'll be about 40% as much fun.
• William Shatner agrees to attend James Doohan's funeral after the church promises to perform the burial in half the time.
• Roger Corman is officially no longer the producer of the world's worst 'Fantastic Four' movie.
• Ricky Gervais will appear as second-Sontaran-on-the-left in series 2 of 'Extras'.
• 'V for Vendetta' is shelved because it could cause offence to the British public. Especially Alan Moore.

Reported by Tachyon TV and Steve Wilson

Tenth Planet Discovery

Science fiction fans were left reeling today when Tachyon TV failed to link NASA's discovery of the tenth planet with a missing episode of Doctor Who.

The planet, tentatively called Geoff, was discovered late on Friday evening and it had absolutely nothing whatsoever do to with Ian Levine or Steve Roberts' Restoration Team. Tachyon TV apologises for any inconvenience that may have been caused.

What's the Story?

Telos have released details of their new Unofficial Guide from prolific writer Keith Topping.

What’s The Story? is the first ever guide to the cult series Balamory and Topping and Telos are proud to be first out of the gate with this one. A spokesperson for Telos said, "This is a first for Telos and we’re really pleased with it. Keith has delivered a book which dissects the show's mythos and characters and delves deep into its creation. Each and every episode also comes with a critical analysis and a list of facts. Hey, did you know that the original Josie Jump was replaced in 2003 with no explanation whatsoever? Or that PC Plum is addicted to biscuits? Or why the seagulls have disappeared around the coastline?"

Topping also looks at the Buffy crossover episodes - something that normal folk completely missed - such as the Watcher reference during the episode where Miss Hoolie lost her shoulder bag and was helped by Susie Sweet and Penny Pocket to recover it from the Hellmouth.

The book will be available in normal paperback or special edition lead-lined hardback with a designer cover by musical decorator, Spencer, and autographed by Topping himself - in blood.

More exciting Balamory news is that even though the series has been cancelled by the BBC, Big Finish are in talks to bring out a series of Audio Adventures. Unfortunately, eccentric character Archie the Inventor is reluctant to take part as he wants to play the character his way and not like he did in the series.

Reported by James Whittington

News In Brief

• The MPAA releases a detailed online PDF statement about their controversial decision to target television torrent sites but nobody bothers to download it.
• The MPAA is set to go after people who download email next - "just for the sheer hell of it".
• Exclusive rights to use the headline 'This Sith Hit's Shit' is currently going for $60 on Ebay.
• General Grievous will follow in the footsteps of Ian McKellen and Orlando Bloom when he appears in six episodes of 'Coronation' Street as the Rover's Return glass collector.
• The Jim Henson Company win a Hugo Award for their groundbreaking work on Sonia Fowler in 'EastEnders'.
• Christopher Eccleston will provide the voice-over for the final 'Fantastic Four' trailer.
• A 'Celebrity Wrestling' motion picture is announced at Cannes.
• BBC4 will run a six week retrospective on 'Bod' with special interactive milkshake voting.
• Dave Golder resigns from SFX after the team veto his decision to put Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover again for no readily apparent reason.
• William Hill have stopped taking bets on the BBC postponing the next 'Blake's Seven' DVD.

Bond Casting

EON have just announced that Clive Owen, Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan will all play James Bond in the next 007 film. Well, it is a remake of Casino Royale...

Breaking News

Christopher Eccleston will appear at tonight's prestigious VE party at Trafalgar Square. It is rumoured that he will use the opportunity to give the V-sign to Doctor Who fans around the globe.

Election Update

Tim Collins, sci-fi fan and Conservative politician, who once said "the Conservatives will get back into power before a new Doctor Who series is made", lost his parliamentary seat for Westmorland constituency last week.

Today Collins told Tachyon TV that he "expected to be back in Westminster before a Red Dwarf movie was made". Bless him.

In related news, Bill Nighy is still the hot favourite to replace Michael Howard as party leader.

Reported by Gavin Foley and Tachyon TV

Breaking News

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie is forced to change its logo after mounting pressure from the Trading Standards Institute.

News in Brief

• The producers of the 'Hitchhiker's' movie maintain that they stayed true to the wishes of Douglas Adams. "We made the changes over his dead body, just as he demanded," said Garth Jennings.
• Enterprise 'Mirror Universe' episode will be set in an alternative reality where the audience actually gives a shit.
• Peter Kay set to mime to an episode of Blake's 7 for a charity DVD release.
• Doctor Who's 12th episode title finally confirmed as 'The Social Workers of Doom'.
• The Doctor's "Fantastic!" catchphrase will be replaced by "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Pull my finger" in season 2.

Reported by Tachyon TV and Declan Kennedy