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You'll need a DVD copy of The Five Doctors to get the most out of it.

More Who Spin-offs Revealed

Following the commission of Torchwood, which is, of course, an anagram of Doctor Who, the BBC have commissioned even more spin-off shows to complete the collection and ensure R T Davies a place at HappyDale, where every lunatic is a clean one:

Cohort Dow: Featuring Mickey as the sly Dowager who plots to overthrow the British government by hacking into the UNIT website every week and sending rude jokes to the Prime Minister.

CrowdHoot: Featuring a group of barn owls, one of which may have hooted in The Empty Child, but you'll have to wait 13 weeks to find out!

Cord, Oh Tow: Featuring the Tow Truck rope which featured in The Parting of The Ways as it tries to make it in London as an actor.

Cord, Oh: Two: Spin-off series from Cord, Oh Tow, where the gear stick finally breaks free and vows to seek enlightenment from a life of travelling around breaking into TARDISes.

Cot, Oh Word!: A prequel series featuring the Doctor's adventures as a Time Tot.

'How, Doctor?': Spin-off featuring every single companion who has ever asked the Doctor an inane question.

Reported by James Coleman and Tachyon TV

Missing Who Planned

The BBC have announced that the final three episodes of the new Doctor Who series will be destroyed before they are even transmitted. 

A BBC statement said: "For the fans who complain that the series isn't as good as it was in the 60's and 70's, we will be wiping the final three episodes as soon as they leave the edit suite.  This way fans can debate whether they were ever any good or not for years".

Reported by Simon Ellis

24 Hour Rolling Who

The BBC has defended its decision to ask the Government for a 2% above inflation increase in the number of hours in the day. Director General, Mark Thompson, stated that this was needed if the BBC was to honour its commitments and broadcast all of its planned Doctor Who output, which includes both the main parent show and all 18 spin-offs - including the recently announced Torchwood.

A pressure group who campaigns on behalf of the vulnerable in society said,  "Pensioners will be hardest hit as they are already struggling to fill even 24 hours. There's only so much Last of the Summer Wine and crochet a human being can handle in one day."

The other Doctor Who spin-offs currently include:

• Yes, Minister for Flydale North: hilarious sit-com written by Ian Hislop and starring Penelope Winton
• Have I Got Doctor Who News For You: live panel show which airs at Midnight to capitalise on any press leaks, with Andrew Beech and Gary Gilliat as the team captains
• Rose Unleashed: late-night masturbatory fantasy in which Rose moves into a flat with Mickey
• Doctor Who Confidential Confidential: go so far behind-the-scenes you come out the other side
• Late Who Review: Tom Paulin and Bonnie Greer are forced to sit through the entire canon. Followed by Newsnight's look at the early edition fanzine covers
• Who 2006: Jonathan Ross casts a critical eye over the week's Doctor Who output
• Duggan: gritty crime drama starring Tom Chadbon as a cop on the edge
• The Whoprentice: Russell T Davies puts 12 fanboys through a gruelling 13 week job interview. The winner gets to write the Sad Tony spin-off
• King Arthur: with Sylvester McCoy as Merlin
• Raxacoricofallapatorius 24: Rolling 24 hour news service from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius
• Jago and Litefoot: finally!
• Over-egging the pudding: Cookery show with Gary Russell
• So You Want to Create A Web Site? BBC Bitesize course where Mickey and Clive demonstrate how to make a truly awful website
• Watchdog: consumer rights programme hosted by K9
• Jobsearch: with Christopher Eccleston
• Torchwood: Rhyll (spin-off from Torchwood: Cardiff)
• Torchwood: Asby-de-la-Zouch (spin-off from the spin-off)
• Hot Cod Row: steamy soap opera set in a chip shop
• Touchwood: documentary series which asks whether all this Who saturation will result in public apathy and a swift cancellation

Reported by Tachyon TV and feelk

Dr Who: Series 2 Set Report

Filming continued late into the evening at The Fitzroy Tavern, on Thursday night. The show's regulars where no-where to be seen as I gathered that this particular sequence is from the pre-credits opening of episode 4.

In a basement room there was a presentation on xml, mysql and php going on. I believe that this elaborate looking coven, who were huddled around the PowerPoint presentation, are key to the entire episode as they're attempting to use the natural lay lines (that also happen to be the pipes that transport the beer from the cellar to the pumps) that run beneath the boozer to call forth some terrible evil.

The inside of the bar had been completely re-dressed as there were beers on sale that I've never seen in any other pub. One of them was called Ayingerbrau and had a be-whiskered giant of a man on the pump. I later found out that this was connected to the main threat of the episode.

Also spotted were Jeremy Bentham, Rob Shearman and Steve Moffat. I understand that the major enemy of the piece, who is called The Ayingerbrau, will be played by these three men in a foam rubber suit, with Bentham taking the head and torso and Shearman and Moffat a leg each.

As the night wore on, and vodka was taken to equalise the effect of the terrible lager being consumed, the monster made his appearance and slowly consumed groups of men. But as no-one actually talks or notices anyone outside of their own group there was no reaction as slowly, one-by-one, each group was consumed by the monster.

There was then a terrible grinding and churning sound. No, I'm afraid this wasn't the TARDIS arriving, just people being very, very ill indeed through beer consumption.

The Abzorbaloff is Off!

The producers of Doctor Who are facing a huge legal battle as Roger Hancock, acting on behalf of William Grantham (age 9), has refused the BBC permission to use the Abzorbaloff in an upcoming episode.

The winner of the Blue Peter Design a Monster competition was due to battle David Tennant's Doctor until talks between the BBC and Grantham, who created the Abzorbaloff, broke down over issues of editorial control.

Grantham claimed that the BBC were trying to ruin the Abzorbaloff brand by making him both gay and mauve. "The other kids at school will make William's life a misery and the experience will probably scar him for life," said Mr Hancock, with a protective arm around the young designer's shoulder. "That will cost the BBC at least another ten grand".

But don't worry, The Sun are on the case and they plan to launch a 'Save the Green Blobby Sumo-Thing!' campaign in tomorrow's edition.

Stephen Fry, the writer of the Abzorbaloff episode, is said to be furiously re-writing his script so it can include Sad Tony instead (see above). "Marvellous," he said.

Russell T Davies has been quick to reassure the fans: "Sad Tony is a farting alien with a trunk shaped like a giant penis. I can't believe we didn't go for him in the first place!"

Rik Waller is reported to be gutted.

Doctor Who Season 2 Spoilers (part two)

Continuing Tachyon TV's exclusive look at Doctor Who's second season:

7 Ginger-pubes: Wanting a break from the hot'n'horny antics of the Cybermen, the Doctor and Rose finally escape to an alien world for the first time in this new series and end up in a freakishly-coloured moist jungle. Guest starring Chris Evans as Hieronymus Pube, a Leader.

8 & 9 Ice in the Pints: Following a drunken conversation in the pub the previous night, the Doctor and Rose, who were reminiscing about things that you don't see any more, set off to discover just what happened to those little blue three wheeler invalid carriages and stumble upon a trans-temporal smuggling ring who are remove all signs of white dog poo from the streets of Britain for shipment into a distant star system. Guest starring the entire cast of 'Two Pints and a Packet of Crisps' being minced to death in a blender.

10 Currying Favours: Somewhere on the remote planet of Trafanica, Rose wakes up in a fast food restaurant to find herself working as a short order chef specializing in deep fried brokao burgers. Unsure of how she got there she eventually stumbles upon a secret portal to the Bigg Market in Newcastle and manages to free the Doctor from the clutches of Lord Harpole of the Ru'Pali People. Guest starring Ricky Gervais as himself.

11 Moab: The Doctor and Rose descend into the fictional twisted world of a comedy duo and are lumbered with "the one who's not a big star in the States" and have to fight the frightening Pork Bellies to win their freedom from Mostyn the Magnificent. Guest starring Stephen Fry as Hugh Laurie.

12 & 13 Who's Cyron Now?: Having humped their way around the Universe the Cybermen become a race of placid, laid back creatures. After all these years of the Doctor fighting menacing and wound-up Cybermen it appears all they really wanted was a shag. Seizing on the opportunity to get one over on the tin men, the original inhabitants of Telos, the Cyrons, formulate a plan to over throw them and regain control. The Doctor is then placed in the difficult position of needing to save the Cyber race from destruction. He does this by attempting to make them fizz with sexual jealousy by performing many lewd acts with various pieces of electrical equipment in the Bromsgrove branch of Rumbelows. Oh, and then Rose dies.

Doctor Who: Season 2 Spoilers (part one)

With production on the second and/or 28th series of Doctor Who (depending on your level of anality) well underway, Tachyon TV is able to give you a full run down on the stories forming the second trip of a lifetime.

Christmas Special: The 'Ever Decreasing Circles' crossover episode. Following his hastily written regeneration, the Doctor believes he's Martin Bryce, a character from an 80's BBC sitcom. Guest starring Penelope Wilton as Richard Briers and Brian Blessed as Santa Claus.

1 Strictly Time Travel: The "you were expecting this sooner rather than later" musical episode of Who that's been coming ever since Buffy put on her tap-shoes. An intergalactic song and dance competition is held on prehistoric Earth. Featuring Graham Norton as the compare Tyrannosaurs Rex and songs written by Ian Levine and choreographed by Arlene Philips.

2 The Ru'Pali: The Doctor and Rose cause a big stink on Earth in the year 3245 where the populous are cowering under the oppressive rule of a foul smelling regime. The Doctor accidentally stabs their leader to death 19 times and he, on his death bed, vows his brother will avenge his death. All the parts will be played by David Tennant.

3 Enemies Reunited: K9's reappearance in 'Doctor Who' is curtailed as he gets crushed to the size of a tin of beans when Sarah Jane Smith takes her Metro Cabriolet to a scrap dealer and leaves the metal mutt on the back seat. Meanwhile. while inexplicably working in a school as a Maths teacher, Sarah Jane must help the Doctor best Anthony Stewart Head's Rani and her plans to make A-levels even easier to pass.

4 The Something of Something Else: Formulaic old-skool 'Who' as the Doctor and Rose end up in a base under siege story reusing sets and costumes from the BBC store. Guest starring John Actor as the shin of Omega.

5 & 6 CyberNob: The men of metal are finally back as the Cybermen go in search of realistic sexual organs to enhance their already powerful physic. Guest starring David Banks as George the Cybermat

Part Two coming tomorrow...

Doctor Who DVD News

'The Web Planet' DVD has been delayed for a month. This is because of clearance and classification problems at the BBFC; the panel couldn't stop laughing long enough to write their report.

Tachyon TV can also exclusively reveal the final details for the long-awaited Doctor Who 2005 boxset:

• Commentaries on all the episodes by every single member of the production team, except the one you want.
• Billie Piper's home-movie sex video (with Chris Evans): 3 mins
• 'Thinking up Fart Gags' Featurette: 24 mins
• 'Keeping the Doctor Gay' Featurette: 24 mins
• 'Locating the Logo Designers (drama-documentary): 42 mins
• 'Andrew Pixely Stalks the Production Team' (poor quality shaky-cam): 90 mins
• 'Parting of the Ways' alternative ending when it wasn't planned like that from the start: 3 minutes
• 'Shaun Lyon has a lie-down': (a few minutes)
• 'Murray Gold drops some cymbals': (often)
• 'Jack Barrowman Gushes Uncontrollably': 1 hour
• 'Christopher Eccleston Interview': 37 seconds
• Deleted scenes: including the one where 'Bad Wolf' makes sense.
• All the BBC pre-publicity trailers and various crew appearances on a variety of naff chat-shows: seventeen hours over four discs
• Easter Eggs: 'Eccleston threatens to lamp Keith Boak' and 'Jack's Glorious Arse': (20 seconds each)
• TK Max Catalogue (PDF file)

Missing, Presumed Rubbish

The BBC have discovered two "missing" episodes of Doctor Who sitting in a cupboard at Television Centre.

The cupboard, which was "hidden" in a room called 'The Doctor Who Room - Beware of the Leopard', was found to contain two episodes from 'The Faceless Ones'. Bizarrely, fans are still said to be ecstatic.

This discovery (by a cleaner) is only marred by Ian Levine's recent admission that he left a copy of 'The Power of the Daleks' on a bus in the late 1970s.