Tachyon TV

ConWatch

It's time for a round-up of upcoming sci-fi and fantasy conventions:

AutoMania vs. TronCon
Two sets of idiots for the price of one as fans of Automan and Tron go head to fluorescent glowing head. Local law enforcement officers will be on hand to prevent a re-occurance of the disaster that was the '94 con but nevertheless you can anticipate some really girly fights and lots of neon lights at this one.

Trek DeathWatch
The Morbid Continuum of Wisconsin present an on-going vigil of original series Star Trek stars to see which one will pop their lycra clogs next. Expect fun and excitement when Nichelle Nichols takes to the I-75 one evening to perform her dance of the seven veils.

Chile ConCarney
Santiago is the location for the second annual Chilean celebration of the hit HBO series Carnivàle. El Presidente Escobar gets the festivities started with a firm favorite, the Dwarf Hurling Championship.

Builth Wells Doctor Who Collective
Wales' very own Who Collective are planning a Who-themed day in the Builth Wells Municipal Library and Slaughterhouse. Expect their world famous Tom-bola, reduced price cafeteria meals and a special guest! The Collective are hoping to attract the green cloth, star of The Long Game, onto which the Jagrafess was added in post production. Early booking is recommended.

Buck in Basra
Normality returns to the war torn city of Basra with the recently reinstated Basra-TV services. Picking up the broadcast where they left off at the beginning of hostilities, mid-way through the first season Buck Rogers in the 25th Century episode "Twiki is Missing", this firm favorite of Saddam's ensured a bigger than average turnout at the state organized BuckFests. BuckFest'05 promises to be every bit as exciting as previous gatherings, and now without the threat of death hanging over non-attendees.

Hiatus

Tachyon TV is taking a short break. It will return in July.

TARGET Books Update

In an exclusive update to the news that the BBC are bringing back the TARGET range of Doctor Who novelisations, we can now reveal the titles of the final six books.

Justin Richards spilled the beans during a break in filming the hit Channel 4 comedy, Peep Show.

• Doctor Who and the Really Sad Bit
  
• Doctor Who and the Bisexual Captain
  
• Doctor Who and the Ambulance of Death
• Doctor Who and the City of Welsh
• Doctor Who and the Three Little Pigs
  
• Doctor Who and the Dalek Invasion of Endemol
  

Doctor Who: Season Two Spoilers

Tachyon TV has discovered the identity of season two's Big Bad, an evil creature which will remorselessly pursue Rose and the tenth Doctor through space, time and Jackie's housing estate.

After the runaway success of the Bad Wolf meme in season one (well, until they tried to explain it) Russell The Davies has managed to secure a deal with The Crazy Frog for seven full episodes and six barely noticeable subliminals.

"Every time the Doctor unmasks the villain you'll hear the Frog sing his little 'Ding Ding'" explained Davies, proudly. "Trust me, it'll drive you nuts". Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

In a surprising twist set to be leaked by The Star, the Frog will turn out to be a mutated dalek who inadvertently plugged himself into the Babestation Contacts channel while he was busy researching reality TV shows in the lead-up to the dalek's recent plan to conquer the known universe.

Russell confirmed that the Frog would almost certainly be bisexual, thanks for asking.

Other season two spoilers currently circulating the net:

• Stephen Moffat's season 2 episodes will reveal the genesis of the cybermen. Turns out it's all down to an S and M swingers party that got completely out of control.
• K9 will return to the series, but only as a reference to a sexual position (Mr Moffat, again).
• David Tennant will speak in a broad innuendo-strewn accent. His kilt will be bigger on the inside (taxi for Mr Moffat).
• Billie Piper will leave the series after seven episodes at which point she'll be replaced by "any old slapper with an equity card".
• The Mill will not be providing the special effects in season two, citing "several nervous breakdowns" as a perfectly valid reason. They will be replaced by the effects teams responsible for Robot Chicken and Team America.
• Notable guest-stars who have already signed up to appear in season two include her off Hollyoaks, him off Holby City, the dog from Emmerdale and that bloke from that thing about the whatsit. He was good in that.