Tachyon TV

Caption Competition 2

Post your caption by using the comment link below. The best entry will receive a free Tachyon TV mousemat.

Last months winner was  Jimmy Tate with 'It's a copy of Dreamweaver MX2004 for that idiot who runs that stupid website about me'. He wins a Tachyon TV mug for his troubles, the lucky swine. The runner-up was Douglas with his 'great lad... Canadian actually" entry. He wins the everlasting respect of this publication.

Revenge of the Hoodies

The ban, from the Bluewater Shopping Centre, of people wearing hoodies has left a very bad taste in the collective mouths of the Jedi. Both the dark lords of the Sith and the honourable Jedi Knights have been barred from using the centre. Sith Lord Darth Sidious said, "Yeah but, no but, yeah but, shut up, like this is sooo unfair, they stop me from meeting Charlene and Jezza at McDonalds even tho Charlene has a thing for Kevin but Kevin did the thing with the thing and now he's turned to the Dark Side".

A spokesman for the shopping centre read this statement, "This isn't the shopping centre you're looking for. You don't want to meet up in here. You should move along.

Doctor Who's Bad Wolf Revealed

Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal the identity of 'The Bad Wolf', an enigma that has baffled Doctor Who fans for several months.

Episode 12 will finally reveal that he is, in fact, Wolf from Gladiators who has reverted to using performance enhancing steroids during a sequence where Rose is trapped inside a re-run of the classic TV show.

It's just one example of the show's heroes being caught up in a nightmarish world of Reality TV which is said to test their sanity (as well as the audience's) to the limit.

Controversial moments include: the Doctor being voted out of Big Brother for being a goofy know-it-all who never changes his clothes; Rose being told What Not to Wear by Trinny and Susannah (specifically hoodies, which are now, tragically, banned); Anne Robinson chastising a lone Sontaran Warrior for being the Weakest Linx; and a poignant scene where Captain Jack explores the eerily barren wasteland that is the Celebrity Wrestling set.

In an even more surreal twist we'll see Russell The Davies take part in a special instalment of Straight Eye for The Queer Guy where Gary Bushell will force him to remove all of the overt references to campness and bisexuality in his scripts.

Other spoilers which threaten to ruin the final episode of this season ("The Parting of the Contracts") are currently in circulation too (if you call up the BBC's PR department during the late shift they'll tell you anything). If you don't want to know what happens please look away now:

• The Doctor is forced to regenerate when his body gives in to a severe bout of eczema
• The Ninth Doctor's final words are "Thank **** that's over".
• The Tenth Doctor's first words are "Och Aye the Noo, baby!"

And in related news, ITV have decided to have one final stab at beating Who in the ratings by screening a copy of Revenge of the Sith that they've bought off this bloke in Camden Market. More news as we get it.

Lost in Wales

The hit American TV series Lost, which revolves around the survivors of a plane crash on a mysterious South Pacific island, will be moving the production of its second season from Hawaii to Cardiff. This move has been prompted by rising production costs the series has suffered shooting on the tropical island of Oahu.

Lost's executive producer J.J. Abrams says that he saw the versatility of the Welsh city in episodes of the new Doctor Who that "a friend" had sent him.

"When ABC demanded that we move the production to a new location to cut costs, immediately I thought of Cardiff."

When asked if it would be difficult to shoot a tropical adventure/drama in Wales, Abrams quipped that it would be no more difficult than convincing Americans that 42 good looking people can survive a commercial airline disaster.

Reported by Eric Schwartz

News In Brief

• The MPAA releases a detailed online PDF statement about their controversial decision to target television torrent sites but nobody bothers to download it.
• The MPAA is set to go after people who download email next - "just for the sheer hell of it".
• Exclusive rights to use the headline 'This Sith Hit's Shit' is currently going for $60 on Ebay.
• General Grievous will follow in the footsteps of Ian McKellen and Orlando Bloom when he appears in six episodes of 'Coronation' Street as the Rover's Return glass collector.
• The Jim Henson Company win a Hugo Award for their groundbreaking work on Sonia Fowler in 'EastEnders'.
• Christopher Eccleston will provide the voice-over for the final 'Fantastic Four' trailer.
• A 'Celebrity Wrestling' motion picture is announced at Cannes.
• BBC4 will run a six week retrospective on 'Bod' with special interactive milkshake voting.
• Dave Golder resigns from SFX after the team veto his decision to put Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover again for no readily apparent reason.
• William Hill have stopped taking bets on the BBC postponing the next 'Blake's Seven' DVD.

Doctor Who Back On Target

The BBC has announced the re-introduction of the iconic TARGET range of novelisations which will be based on the new series of Doctor Who. "We hadn't originally planned on doing these," confirmed Justin Richards in a false beard. "But Terrence Dicks forgot to tell the magic elves who used to leave a fresh adaptation on his workbench each morning. They've been at it again, and it's not like we're going to miss an opportunity to wring some money out of this show, is it?"

The paperbacks will be priced at 75p and will feature cover illustrations from the recently exhumed Chris Archellios. And another nice touch which pays homage to the original range means that many of the book's titles will be completely different to the titles shown on screen.

The first seven books are confirmed as:

• Doctor Who and the London Eye of Death
• Doctor Who and the Party in Space
• Doctor Who and the Alien Gas Ghosts of Cardiff
• Doctor Who and the Flatulent Invasion
• Doctor Who and the Unconvincing Hacking
• Doctor Who in an Exciting Debate on the Nature of Identity with a Dalek
• Doctor Who and the Meat Ceiling

Reported by Neil Stewart and Tachyon TV

Bond Casting

EON have just announced that Clive Owen, Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan will all play James Bond in the next 007 film. Well, it is a remake of Casino Royale...

Celebrity Wrestling Out for the Count

Fan-sites across the globe are buzzing with the news that Celebrity Wrestling has been axed by ITV after being repeatedly lamped in the ratings by Doctor Who. But fans of the ground (and back) breaking series have vowed to keep the flame alive for "as long as it takes".

A series of straight-to-video fan-produced spin-offs are already on the cards, as uber-fan Jill Saggs explains: "There is a massive appetite for substandard drivel that makes your teeth itch. Our first release will feature an illegal brawl in a pub carpark in Kiddiminster with Katy Manning playing the part of Kate Thornton".

But that's not all, editor of Celeb Wrestling Weekly, Gay Hitman, has revealed that a series of paperback novels will continue the adventures of your favourite D-list bruisers, including The Pocket Rocket V Lord Brocket by Justin Richards, Lawler's Law by Justin Richards, Ompppffff by Justin Richards and The Victoria Silvestedt Reader by Justin Richards' best mate, Steve.

In related news, Dan Freedman has been spotted in Convent Garden having drinks with Oliver Skeet, and there already exists a cottage industry on the Internet dedicated to the prodigious output of Victoria Silvestedt. Apparently.

And finally, an impromptu CW convention has also been organised for next Wednesday morning outside Islington's Jobcentre. See you there!

Breaking News

Christopher Eccleston will appear at tonight's prestigious VE party at Trafalgar Square. It is rumoured that he will use the opportunity to give the V-sign to Doctor Who fans around the globe.

Election Update

Tim Collins, sci-fi fan and Conservative politician, who once said "the Conservatives will get back into power before a new Doctor Who series is made", lost his parliamentary seat for Westmorland constituency last week.

Today Collins told Tachyon TV that he "expected to be back in Westminster before a Red Dwarf movie was made". Bless him.

In related news, Bill Nighy is still the hot favourite to replace Michael Howard as party leader.

Reported by Gavin Foley and Tachyon TV