Torchwood: Out Of Time
Spaz. The final pig's ear. This is the voyeur jizz of the Chocolate Starship Torchwood. Its mission for as long as we can stand it: to explore strange new Wales. To seek out new life and roger the arse off it. To oldly go where a dozen Star Trek episodes have gone before...
OK, so originality was never going to be Out Of Time's strong suit, but equally that was hardly the point. It was Torchwood's second attempt at a more human story in as many weeks, but unlike the wonderful Random Shoes, this episode felt.... eh. It was alright. Horizontal hand-wobble ambivalence. Again, whether you liked it or not has little to do with any notion of 'quality', and there was certainly nothing look-at-me, in-your-face bad about it. But it just fell a bit flat with me somehow. And it took me a while to realise exactly why.
For one thing, they couldn't WAIT to get the science-fiction out of the way and onto the human drama. That had to be the shortest pre-credits teaser on record. Basic questions were left hanging that any viewer could theorise an answer to in a second, but the script didn't think were important. Such as; if the plane had been in the air for only half an hour's 'real' time, how did Torchwood know when and where to meet it, and have time to actually do so? And why did the three travellers show such surprise at basic things like a supermarket sliding door, but not at all the wonders in the Torchwood base, with sliding doors of its own?
But that's not it. That's just being anal.
There's the now-customary bout of focus-clash between this episode and every other; where what comes across as perfectly fine in an individual story wobbles alarmingly when it comes into contact with the established mythos of the rest of the show, each making the other look ridiculous through no fault of the episode's own. "There's no enemy to fight this time." Alright, so Jack is speaking figuratively, but what do you mean by 'this time'? Not counting home-grown enemies and terrestrial threats outside your regular brief, there have been three, and one of those was a brown-trouser special you ran like girls from. What did I say last time about the 'staggering conceit of world-shattering danger in the back streets of Cardiff every week'?
It's not that either though since that raises missing the point like a total dick to a veritable artform. There have been a few criticisms of the episode feeling pointless and unresolved, but it's perfectly fine to leave a mystery unsolved and hanging if you don't wrong-foot the audience into expecting a definitive answer beforehand. Small Worlds, take note.
"Thing 1 and Thing 2 - God, I'm having to look up their names to remember them now"
No, I think what ultimately distanced me from the episode - and I've already been called an arsehole for this - is that Torchwood spent the entire 50 minutes emphasizing everything that was radically different between 1953 and 2006, and virtually nothing that would have been comfortably familiar and safe, merely evolved a bit - which, if they'd been doing their jobs properly, Jack and crew should have done in order to help the three lost souls settle in. I mean, what were they thinking by having Ianto guide them round the supermarket; the one character utterly incapable of sharing in the girls' sense of wonder at all the modern marvels on display? Tosh should have had that job; they criminally went and sidelined her yet again. These three poor sods might as well have dropped from the moon; beyond the obvious plea for sympathy, they took away any real hook upon which to hang my identification with them, which by the end only John particularly warranted anyway; Thing 1 and Thing 2 - God, I'm having to look up their names to remember them now - having made themselves ready in their own way to move on with Gwen and Owen selfishly, annoyingly, trying to hold them back.
Jack came off best again this week, as indeed he regularly does when he's granted any particular story focus. Again, it was up to him to convey to us exactly what the episode was really about; learning to let go, that kindred spirits or not, others have to be free to make their own decisions, rightly or wrongly. At least Jack tried to bond with his lost charge with a degree of undomineering honestly; to hell with morals, sitting in the car and keeping John company as he killed himself was about the only realistic outcome there was.
Unfortunately, that was as far as the letting-go message got, neutered as it was by the selfish, hypocritical antics of Gwen and Owen, neither of whom learned ANYTHING. Does Gwen have a heart or not? It's a toss-up any given week. I may feel differently about her again once she goes through her crisis of conscience in Combat*, but at least she's capable of having one. "Fuckbuddies". Goddamit, there's no point in expecting any more character development from Owen's ugly mug when time and again he gives a big 'up yours' to the most basic common courtesies of human relationships. Not only does he not learn, he doesn't even want to - this is his character and we're royally stuck with it. Why bother giving him this much screen time at all then if he's only going to make wanker-gestures at us with it? If we were supposed to feel any kind of poignancy when Owen was given the Dear John treatment from Ace Rimmer, it failed miserably - all I was thinking was, "Good, the fucker's finally getting a taste of his own medicine." And what was that strange spastic twitching motion Owen was doing close to the end? Was that supposed to be sex? It was more like an audition for the Ministry Of Silly Humps. He's also very very BAD at giving sad puppy-dog eyes too.
"What was that strange spastic twitching motion Owen was doing close to the end? Was that supposed to be sex? It was more like an audition for the Ministry Of Silly Humps"
The soulful memory-montage at the end didn't work for me at all. It's too big a jump to accept that Owen and Gwen would have their own lives forcibly re-evaluated by left-of-field characters they've known for how long? - a week, if that? - when they demonstrated, as they have many other times, that accepting responsibilty for their own lives, much less anyone else's, is the one thing most of the Torchwood team cannot do. You had three literal strangers in desperate need of some familiarity, comfort and empathy, and they got taken in by sci-fi's equivalent of a litter of stray puppies. OF COURSE it was going to end in tears.
You know, now I think of it, the safest and (dare I say) most humane way of handling the situation would have been to apply a spot of illicit Retcon, some implanted fake 'memories' of new identities and lives, and then letting them go to get on with it. With all the fantastic alien gubbins that falls through the Rift, should that have been so hard? We get arrogantly told every week about how powerful and mysterious and answerable to no-one the organization is, and yet they can't even pull a few strings to get someone a new driver's or pilot's license. Sigh.
Next week, Noel Clarke uses the Weevils to commit the perfect murder. I'd love to see Columbo pick holes in that alibi.
The Humper Book Of Sexually Torchwooded Diseases has this to say about Out Of Time: automatic sliding doors were already in use in 1953. The first Piggly Wiggly self-service grocery stores were patented in the United States in 1917, with modern supermarkets as we know them coming in existence after the Second World War. It's therefore quite possible that Diana would have known about supermarkets and sliding doors already from cinema newsreels if she was that keen on going to the pictures. No joke this week, I just felt like being a PEDANTIC FUCK.
*Like fuck I did.