Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Suzie Gold

Wildly behind time and mostly written on a train, my very late review of Everything Changes:

RTD is an expert in audience manipulation. He showed his prowess in the regeneration scene last year (impossibly poignant) and again this July with Rose’s departure. The only trouble is, his cheap tricks don’t stand the test of time whereas subtlety does. I’m not trying to debate whether programming should be for posterity but the validity of such a shock ending. It plays with expectations – Suzie had been presented as a regular both on and off screen – and I was constantly wondering whether this would turn out to be the final test of Gwen’s suitability. Even Suzie’s slightly fumbled search for her gun looked staged. When finally she decorates Cardiff with her brains it is shocking. It would have been better had we known the character but the aim was clearly to hook the audience, and that it did. Personally I loved it the first time I saw it, but after more consideration I saw it was...well, cheap. Not a brilliant way to kick-start an “adult” drama.

The episode bears a strong resemblance to Rose, but thankfully there is little attempt at a full-blown story, just a small occurrence drawing audience identification figure #1 in. Thanks to this, the extra five minutes and the short titles there’s far more room to play with. In the future, however, this extra room could weigh heavy on the hands of flimsier plots which would have been lost in a 45 minute slot, never mind 50.

The scattering of small references is fun, especially the hand – notice the swell in music as it hoves into view – but the real moments are in the dialogue. Captain Jack has been turned into some stand-up comedian it seems for he’s forever spouting witticisms. Still his performance does seem, as others have noted, a lot more sedated. In many ways older and wearier; he doesn’t seem happy about his immortality. It rather sucks any possible tension out of future episodes but Gwen is the only one to know so perhaps there could still be an interesting dynamic seeing what risks his colleagues will let him take.

The rest of the team haven’t really been explored in any detail but they’re clearly no Firefly troupe. But then, who is? I’ve become a convert to the doomed programme very recently and I’m not sure anything could compare. In all the character profiles the Jack Pack (©Jon Clifford) were mostly described as genius bastards and, while there was plenty of the latter on display not much of that genius has shone through. There’s been a lot of heated debate about the now infamous date-rape scene but I think the real point is Owen isn’t presented as a hero nor is his behaviour lauded. We don’t get to see much of Tosh but she seems the nicest of the group and certainly took home the best toy. Suzie does get a scrap of development - the little scene with her bringing a fly back to life was beautifully done. Of Ianto...very little has been revealed and he does seem to just look good in a suit.

Gwen’s ordinary life is very well done – her boyfriend is just the kind of chap who’ll end up being killed off a few episodes in and his theories about the alien incursions are perfectly typical. Psychotropic drugs in the water indeed.

The budget has been well spent: the Hub is a fantastic set and everything in it too. Very bat cave. I recognize those rolling doors from Attack of the Graske, but then I’m sure the same style has appeared in many places. The props are all stainless steel and sexy. Those aliens sure are stylish – just look at the pheromone bottle. Cardiff looks amazing too and the only blot of the landscape is Gwen. PC uniforms are not known for their flattering shape and I’ll be glad to see the back of that vest.

Overall, I think it would have been a perfectly inoffensive episode were it not for the shock ending which insulted a lot of people. I think it’s a difference in expectations and, essentially, an age difference. When Torchwood was marketed as “adult” drama I expected, well, adult drama but what they really meant was “teenage” drama. It has all the thrills and coy little immature flirtations with sex and swearing they could want and the kudos of being on at ten o’clock, too. This generation expect the whole deal with the publicity machine as part of the deal and RTD is simply manipulating that tool. I can just slip in that age barrier so I imagine I can enjoy Torchwood a lot more than some but can’t Doctor Who cater for the same group? When it was aimed at the “intelligent 14 year old” some of the best serials in its history were created and there was no need for “f-this, f-that”. If Torchwood had been aimed at the people who are getting a raw deal, the actual adults, then perhaps we wouldn’t have needed the gratuitous Day One either and there would have been the intelligent 14 year olds enjoying it too as something challenging and more exciting than the sort of cheap thrills you can get on any number of programmes.

The Pot Noodle Horns Of Nimon

Torchwood: Everything Changes

The condensed review of the episode is very simple; it sucked. The longer version, for those of you I haven't already put off, requires a bit more patience. (Cue the sound of LINDA's door slamming.) I'll be honest though; I thought it was a bad sign to begin with that the BBC didn't offer Torchwood an advance BBC1 slot like Doctor Who, Robin Hood, or other recent hits. If they thought Torchwood was viable as a drama series in its own right, why would they premiere it on the same minority digital channel that even now threatens to give us Celebrity Scissorhands?

See, I'm not even sure this is the pilot for the right series. For a show billed as being risk-taking, it actually takes no risks with the core format at all and cribs from a half-dozen past glories instead. Despite claiming that Torchwood is its own beast, RTD describes it in a nutshell as 'The X-Files meets This Life' (or That's Life, as Querry quipped shortly before being crowned Emperor of the Universe). It wants to be mature and hard-hitting, but it's not confident enough to shed the Doctor Who trappings which much of the post-watershed audience would deem childish. It wants to be racy and sexy, but at the same time embraces RTD's love of juvenile innuendo. It wants to be a deep character piece, but marries it to the action-adventure genre and gives us little time to get to know the supporting characters before it becomes crucial. I just couldn't fathom for whom this complete mishmash of styles is really aimed at. Doctor Who is a worldwide phenomenon from being truly an all-ages family show; whereas RTD wants Torchwood to become part of the cultural zeitgeist, but only if 'zeitgeist' is spelt with all eight spare tiles on a triple word score.

"RTD wants Torchwood to become part of the cultural zeitgeist, but only if 'zeitgeist' is spelt with all eight spare tiles on a triple word score"

The weaknesses of RTD's own style are writ large over the whole episode. There's a damn good reason Doctor Who has been the way it has for most of its life, and especially under Davis' tenure; the man and his staff can really evoke a sense of wonder when they try hard, and the show can (and does) get away with the most implausible and fantastic twaddle, but it's still 'real' and believable when you get caught up with the Doctor in facing the danger and feeling richer for it and having a good time in the end (School Reunion, anyone?). But Torchwood isn't about being open to the wonders of the universe, is it? It's all about being insular. It's an exclusive club, and humanity isn't invited. And without that sense of fun to keep my sense of logic in check, I just couldn't suspend my belief for more than a minute at a time when the story insisted on throwing out one absurdity after another. And I know some of you will say that I'm taking the programme too seriousy, but dammit; isn't that what a supposedly 'grown up' programme should ask you to do? The things that do not yet work, for me at least, are manifest. Like:

The so-called 'adult' drama. What cobblers. This is a mature programme, so let's have some swearing in the first ten minutes and top it with alien sex in the next episode. The new Radio Times says that after its initial punch, Torchwood is already reigning itself in. In which case, why the hell do it at all if it isn't just a cheap hook for the viewers? If you're going to be smutty, at least be consistantly smutty. Bad marks straight from the off.

Torchwood itself. The least secure 'security agency' in the history of the world, ever. Alien artifacts go missing or are lifted from the base right under Jack's nose, making "Nothing leaves the base without my permission" in episode two EASILY the most ridiculous line of the series so far. Torchwood London had its own office complex, legions of staff, billions in R&D funding and its own private millitia. You're NOT trying to tell me that Torchwood Cardiff, an organization above the government and answerable to nobody with the same remit and practises, is staffed by a mere five people? Particularly how often the staff crack up or are killed in action and have to be replaced, as the morgue scene seems to imply? Of course limited numbers does mean more secrecy, and after Doomsday the organization isn't going to want to stick its head above the parapet for a while - the Doctor pretty well saw to that. But in that case, WHY DOES THE WHOLE OF CARDIFF RECOGNISE TORCHWOOD BY NAME?? Has Planet Earth been taken over by goldfish? Which brings us to...

The simply atrocious retconning. Apparantly, it has. So The Christmas Invasion didn't make a shit's worth of difference after all and humanity is as blind to the possibilities of 'other' lifeforms as ever (Very uplifting message there, I don't think). Yeah? What about the fucking DALEKS? What about the ghosts that were lollygagging around for MONTHS? What the ENTIRE WORLD being overrun by Cybermen in an episode which YOU WROTE, RUSSEL!? 'Terrorism' my ARSE. Jesus wept, this planet doesn't deserve saving; I think that severed hand will have company soon when the Doctor slits his own wrists.

The characters. With one single exception, I hated them. And when I didn't hate them, they made no impression on me whatsoever. Special mention has to go to Owen Harper; if this was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, he'd be the stoner idiot with Casey Kasem's voice. Punch. Punchpunchpunchpunchpunch. PUNCH. Strangle.

Constable Cooper. Never mind the dubious physionomy or the accented gabble of Scrabble tiles pouring out of her mouth. In WPC Cooper, I think I've been presented with possibly the worst-trained rozzer ever presented as a main character to a dramatic audience and viewers of The Bill. I thought police officers were expected to be alert in spotting potential emergencies through suspicious behaviour. So even if the Weevil was a bloke in a mask, a good constable should surely have radioed in on the pretty fair assumption that there was a nutter loose in a hospital, instead of just blithely gimbling up to it like a cretin. Jack and crew were having a bloody good laugh at how useless she was (or at least no threat to the organization that they couldn't provide themselves) as they strung her along during the pizza delivery routine. And Gwen, you're part of Torchwood now; could you knock off the 'you can't do that' shtick please? Two episodes in and "It's against civil liberties!" is already getting old.

"If this was a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, Owen Harper would be the stoner idiot with Casey Kasem's voice"

Captain Jack. Don't get me wrong; Jack is still the most loveable creation to have come out of the entire new series of Who to date, John Barrowman loves the role and throws his all into it. But this show is all wrong for him because Jack exhibits the same brand of larger-than-life Doctor Who whimsy. Torchwood is all small potatoes to the man, as it would be to a Time Agent from the future whose whole previous character has been to stick two fingers up at responsibility and go along for the ride. More to the point, Jack is the only one having any real fun, which only heightens how bloody miserable the rest of the show is. I lost count of how many times I had to suppress a snigger at the continual 'Captain Jack' namedropping. "I need a police search for a Captain Jack Harkness." Yeah, and have a look for Major Tom while you're at it, love. How far does Jack's invulnerability go? If you can't kill him, could you still incapacitate him by cutting his arms and legs off? Even if they eventually grow back it would deprive him of a quick tug for a while, which is as fitting a punishment as anyone could think of for the man.

Private lives. Yes, what of them? Gwen is still relatively normal, so give her credit for still having a life and being torn between two sets of duties. But Owen's shown himself to be an even bigger arsehole than anyone on the base gives him credit for, Jack doesn't even have an official existence (and shouldn't), while the others so far have been complete nonentities. And if they have issues outside of work that Jack ought to be told about, God knows how it's going to affect the team as an effective working unit. Which has the potential for some good future drama, but otherwise seems a little superflous to me if it's going to interrupt or slow down the main episode as the behind the scenes weepiness certainly seemed to in Day One.

Hype and bullshit. When a show has to lie to its audience through its own publicity before even being transmitted, it's either had far too much hype or the writing will be complete toss, or in the case of Suzie Costello, both. I don't like being treated like an idiot, OK? I also hate spoiler-filled videogame 'strategy guides' which you know every other sod on the planet will have read even if you don't. The Radio Times may have been only one cog in the great publicity machine - Torchwood this, Torchwood that, the Torchwood of Rassilon - but without it, much of the episode doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Would the average viewer, for example, know that was the Doctor's hand in the jar? How do you expect to sell the series overseas without the same hype machine explaining things the episode doesn't bother to? The American audience will probably sneer at the 'psychopath Suzie' twist just as other blog members here have done, even with the Radio Times in tow.

"Could you incapacitate Jack by cutting his arms and legs off? Even if they eventually grow back it would still deprive him of a quick tug for a while"

The murder weapon. So Suzie gets drunk with magic glove power and has to kill people in order to save them, the classic paradox of all foreign policy strategists of the last fifty years. I can accept that. But instead of something incongruous and less traceable like a knife or a gun to use, she opts for the unwieldy great distinctive pointy alien thing from her own workplace, which they ought to be able to spot was missing and which the police are able to construct a computer-generated replica of, just so the script can leave a resonating image in Gwen's mind to break the amnesia. And then Suzie shoots herself. Boo hoo, everyone feel sorry for the serial killer. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck off.

By the way, did anyone else think the 'invisible lift' was more like a Somebody Else's Problem field than a chameleon circuit?

Nope, didn't work. Sorry. But this is only the pilot episode, right? Even though the pilot is the critical episode a series should get right. But it can still improve. Can't it?

Torchwood: Day One

By the thumbing of my prick, something ghastly this way sticks...

Look, it was just bloody awful, OK? The premise was ludicrous (orgasmic energy, indeed), the writing threatened at times to overturn the continuity of the previous episode, the 'sex without love is empty' message is a vacuuous cliche that Woody Allen's 'Sleeper' had done much better and funnier thirty-odd years ago, the emotiveness was wretched (I swear I'll kick Murray in the balls next time he foists his 'cry now' music at us), and just like Suzie last week, we were expected to feel sympathy for the monster.

Basically the episode was Soft Light with shagging, and you know it's not good news when the second part of a new series makes you think of much better early X-Files episodes. And even leaving aside the horrid voyeurism of the first ten minutes (we could have done without the CCTV man getting his rocks off, though that's one climax that redefines 'killing the moment'), the much-vaunted sex scene was embarrassing and looked and felt absolutely dead. There was probably more titlation to be had in the Z-grade porno Abducted By The Daleks.

The Humper Book Of Made-Up Torchwood Fucts has this to say about Day One: sadly, the amusing scene where they try to reconstitute the bodies using the dehydrater/rehydrater machine from the 1960s Batman movie was cut before transmission.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

As far as opening episodes go Everything Changes is up there with the best of them. Like Rose before it, it takes an ordinary girl and places her in extraordinary situations.

In this case the ordinary girl is WPC Gwen Cooper. Gwen has a good job, her own home, a boyfriend and a life, but after seeing a corpse being bought back to life by a strange group of people headed by a guy with an American accent, nothing will ever be the same again.

I saw far more to enjoy from these opening episodes than I did in the entirety of series 2 of Doctor Who

So, begins the new adult RTD series with sci-fi trappings. This episode is very RTD, it is very British, it is dark, it is quite adult (well there is quite a bit of swearing on display but probably no more than usual for a drama series broadcast after 9pm. It certainly is no worse than any Paul Abbot series or even those interminable Hollyoaks spin offs they continue to produce), it is modern and it is funny, very funny in some cases.

I must admit I really enjoyed it and it wouldn’t be far from the truth if I said that I saw far more to enjoy from these opening episodes than I did in the entirety of series 2 of Doctor Who. Right, on that bombshell onto my review of the episode itself.

The title sequence was short and to the point wasn’t it? I found it quite refreshing that they didn’t feel the need to have a really long title sequence. I would have quite liked it Doctor Who had a title sequence like that one, after all Lost doesn’t really have much of a title sequence and neither does Spooks. Surely it gives you more time to tell the story if you don’t have a typical title sequence. 

The theme music while not remarkable works well with the title sequence. I am not sure that it will be a theme that will stick in the mind but it works well here. The episode looks fantastic, the cinematography is gorgeous and it looks glossy and expensive.

There are some nice aerial shots of Cardiff on display here plus one great shot of Captain Jack looking all Angel like and brooding on top of a building while the camera swoops around him. The Angel similarities do not end there. In my opinion Torchwood is the Angel to Doctor Who’s Buffy. Angel has quite a lot of establishing shots of LA throughout the episodes and they are using the same trick here to make Cardiff look hip and trendy. I have never been to Cardiff before but I doubt they have ever made it look so inviting before.

The set for the Torchwood hub is great and is very TARDIS looking, it even has a central column! In this episode we meet all of the main players in Torchwood but only really Jack and Gwen are really afforded much in the way of character development in this episode at least and as the episode is told through the eyes of Gwen then that is only right and proper.

Eve Myles has plenty to get her teeth into (especially in the second episode!)

Eve Myles was fantastic as Gwen and really bought the character to life. Like Rose, Gwen is a fully rounded character and Eve Myles has plenty to get her teeth into (especially in the second episode!) here.

John Barrowman is great as Jack and shows us what we have been missing without him. He is slightly different in this episode, he is much darker and broody than he was before but is still as flirtatious as ever.

The other Torchwood crew members, Toshiko, Owen, Suzie and Ianto all make an appearance and even get the odd good line here there but I am sure there will be more to come from these characters.

Some stand out moments in the first episode are the bit when Gwen goes down to the hub and see’s the pterodactyl flying around the lair and all the others are like "don’t mind the pterodactyl", like it is an annoying pet budgie and the line “who orders pizza under the name of Torchwood?” That made us just fall about laughing. Also the moment when Jack said that no equipment is allowed out of the hub without his express permission, only for the entire team to take stuff home with them. I thought Toshiko's little gadget for scanning books was quite useful!

Gwen’s boyfriend, Rhys, was ok but, as with Mickey he is just a little bit too ordinary and boring for Gwen now, especially now she has come into contact with Jack and his team. That is very RTD and certainly reminded me of a certain character from the parent series.

Owen using that pheremone spray to pull a good looking women in a bar was quite funny (well how different is that from the Lynx ads we see nearly every day?), as it was when he used on himself again to extricate himself out of sticky situation with said woman’s boyfriend. Having said that he is an odd looking fellow, so perhaps he needs all the help he can get!

The plot twist involving Susie was a real shock, being as she has been in all the trailers and is on the Radio Times cover and is always being listed as a regular character. I certainly was expecting it at all. It is quite refreshing that they can do that, as that is not the sort of thing that would ever happen in Doctor Who, and that is pretty much from the lips of RTD himself.

So, is Jack now indestructible like Captain Scarlet? Well he can certainly survive being shot in the head at point blank range and he himself says he can’t be killed. It is certainly going to be interesting when Jack finally does meet up with the Doctor again, especially as he does seem to be a bit pissed of with him.

It was nice that they didn’t explain how Jack got back to Earth as they just would have totally alienated the general audience. You don’t really need to know yet how he got back, the fact is that he is back. Also you have to hold something back for later on don’t you?

I must admit that, apart from the swearing and the blood, this probably wasn’t any more adult than an episode of Buffy, but having said that Buffy wasn’t ever meant for a family audience in the first place, despite what BBC 2 might think. I wouldn’t let a child watch it as it is not suitable for then but I would say it is the sort of thing a 15 or 16 year old could watch perfectly comfortably. I mean I watched worse than this at that age!

There were a few Doctor Who references in this episode, which was nice for the fans in the audience, but it is good that you do not have had to have watched Doctor Who to enjoy the episode and the show certainly has an identity of its own even this early in its run. I am pretty sure it would do well enough on its own without having to resort to mentioning that it is a Who spin-off at every turn.

Perhaps, as Neil said, it does seem a bit odd to have an adult spin-off of a programme that is aimed primarily at a younger audience, but it seems to work and I am really looking forward to the next twelve episodes. This the kind of show I have been wanting for years!

All Grown Up (And No Where To Go)

"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Sean Alexander."

Torchwood: Everything Changes

Fucking. Bollocks. Bugger. Twat. Wow! I feel so damned liberated right now... So grown up. Look at me. Wankers! How cool am I? It's like I'm a teenage boy who's parents have gone away for the weekend so I'll throw the biggest house party since Noel's crinkly bottom collapsed in on itself causing major hemorrhaging of the ring. Cocks! Wow, there I go again. Damn it, I'm so good. There's no stopping me. I might even have a fag in a moment (although I'll have to have it outside just in case I drop ash on the shag pile).

This can mean only one thing... it's Torchwood, the older, more adult - aaah, diddums, would you look at how he's grown - older relation to Doctor Who. So, is it any wonder then I feel like I've been violated by a distant Uncle? For me, this tissue (more on that for episode two) of cock came to a frotting, climactic head, after 45 minutes of my precious life on this planet had been merrily pissed away.

"Owen Harper's top lip ended up escaping the confines of his face."

For you see, someone - who I didn't give a damn about - turned out to be someone bad - and then was killed off - and, damn it, I can't even remember her bloody name. That's how much I care. Whoo-fuckin'-hooo. The next person who equates this "Christ! What a twist in the tale!!! I can't believe that they did a Lisa Faulkner/Spooks thing with a lead character!!!!" shall get all their superfluous exclamation marks rammed squarely up their royal arse and told to parade down Oxford Street wearing nothing but a beret whilst whistling Jonathan King's greatest hits. The Spooks thing was so much better than this. At least we'd grown to know the character, to want to find out who she was and what she was all about. If they'd killed this nameless Torchwood drone off after a handful of episodes then I might have felt something other than a yawning chasm of complete disinterest and blood boiling anger.

And I'm sorry, but the best piece of prosthetic work on display during this episode was Gwen Cooper herself. That face is the triumph of the monster maker's art. Coming in a close second was Owen Harper's top lip which merely started off stretching from ear to ear and ended up escaping the confines of his face and filling the mighty HD 16:9 aspect ratio. Even pushing it to 16:11 on occasions. Fuck me, aspect ratio gags. It really is getting that desperate.

"Bend over for special access for Torchwood."

But, and it's a big but, thank the good lord for Captain Jack. Still one of the best things to ever come out of Doctor Who. And Barrowman's still on top form. I could have done without the whole, "I can't die", thing. And I was openly weeping at the prospect that the whole Captain Scarlet 'dum-dums' would break in at that point as the Mysteron rings skirt playfully over the Millennium Centre. Having said that, half the cast would have probably chased the rings for a cheap thrill or two.

Bend over for special access for Torchwood. Does that come with lube? No wonder I feel like I've been violated. I'm off to the karaoke bars of Hollyhead now.

The Torchwood Bumper Book of Date Rape Techniques has this to say about Everything Changes: alien pheromone sprays shouldn't be used when attempting to talk your way out of a minor traffic offence whilst in the back of a police car carrying an Alsatian.

Take That, Doctor!

Well now, that was interesting wasn’t it?

The Beeb definitely had a lot of faith in this series. There was a huge amount of publicity and trailers including the front cover of the Radio Times. So was it worth their efforts?

Firstly there was the claim that this is an adult show. Hence the post watershed timeslot. Apparently, according to Russel T Davies’ little book of rules, all you need to be a grown up is rain, a few night shots, a little more blood and lots of swearing. Now I’ve mention before my opinion on swearing but to reiterate I can’t see the point. Occasionally, there are times when one needs to give vent to a certain degree of frustration wherein a "Oh for goodness’ sake" or if it’s really bad "Bloody Hell" but just throwing random cussing out simply because the kiddies aren’t meant to be listening just doesn’t do it for me.

'rain, a few night shots, a little more blood and lots of swearing'

And even though this show is designed to stand on it’s own there were the inevitable references to it’s parent show. I have to say I thought most of them were really quite clever. The mention of the space time rift, the ‘something’ that happened to Jack that meant he couldn’t be killed, Jack’s war service, looking for the "right kind of Doctor" and my favourite. The invisible lift that was caused by a dimensionally transcendent chameleon machine (or whatever he said) leaving a residue of it’s ability behind. Smart little references that wouldn’t detract from the story if you didn’t know your Who, but were nods to fans.

I’d love to know how many people are going to make a pilgrimage to Cardiff in order to stand in front of the fountain and accost passers by on the off chance that they won’t be seen or heard. To be honest, if I ever found myself in Cardiff (assumedly as a result of some kind of brain damage) then I would be tempted to stand there. Just to say that I’ve done it.

But it wasn’t just Doctor Who that Torchwood paid homage to, was it? These are the little references that I noticed -

#1 The rolling door with the cog wheel edging – Dead ringer for the air locks on board Deep Space Nine. They were even the same colour.

#2 Then when Jack introduced young Gwen to the Weevil I was half expecting it to say "Good evening, Clarice." Those holding cells were identical to the ones in Silence of the Lambs.

#3 And who’s idea was it to have a super secret car drawing attention to itself by copying KITT and have lights bouncing back and forth? I’m starting to see a pattern here - Michael Knight took "a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist" and Torchwood is "separate from the government, outside the police and beyond the United Nations." Perhaps in order to be truly undercover, you need lights pulsating all over your car.

#4 A little more obscure and possibly unintentional, but Captain Jack claims to have lost Torchwood 4. In Babylon 5 the fourth Babylon station (named Babylon 4, oddly) also went missing. It turns out that it was hijacked and taken back in time, so perhaps where people should start looking for Torchwood 4.

This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy

Whilst we’re on the subject of being "separate from the government, outside the police and beyond the United Nations" and so very top secret that even the Prime Minister isn’t meant to know about Torchwood, how is that every beat cop and pizzeria in Cardiff knows about them? They just seem to be taken as some kind of Special Ops team without question or checking of authorisation.

I always imagined the Torchwood organisation to be more Men In Black than that. I mean poor Will Smith was told where to live, what to wear and even had his fingerprints removed. This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy. I think they may have taken this Freedom Of Information thing a bit too far.

So what of the people who inhabit this ahem top secret world of aliens and weirdness? What about the Jack Pack? (Buffy had the Scoobies, Angel had the Fang Gang and Captain Caveman had the Teen Angels, so I figured that this little group should have a nickname of some kind) To be honest, I didn’t much care for them. It just seemed to me like they were trying too hard. They seemed to be quite unpleasant, unfeeling, self-serving types in it more for the experience than through any desire to help mankind. Which is what Queen Victoria had in mind in the beginning. All of the ensemble scenes, especially those in the Torchwood HQ, just seemed a little strained to me. Only Captain Jack seemed to be relaxed and in the groove. Maybe that was the feeling that they were trying to convey. Only by living out there and experiencing the weirdness of it all can you truly be comfortable with aliens and oddness.

Mind you, even Jack was more restrained that I remember. He’s lost some of that easy flirting charm that made him so cool. Maybe being killed and brought back to life takes it out of a chap. I mean look at the chap that they brought back to life at the beginning of the show – He wasn’t really that full of beans and charm was he?

This UK version of MIB just doesn’t seem to have the same kind of commitment to secrecy

I don’t recall if there was any mention of high IQ’s for the members of the Jack Pack (I like that name and will continue to use it) but I don’t imagine that it was much of a requirement. Take for example the murderous second in command. She chose as her murder weapon not a standard kitchen carving knife that could have come from anywhere, but a pretty darn unique Klingon-esque knife that made it easy for our heroine to snap out of her drug induced amnesia. Now I’ve not got much experience in the hack and slash field of frenzied knife attacks, but I imagine that one sharp blade is pretty much the same as another when it comes to causing violent death. It just seems like something that a covert operative would have thought of. Ah, I think I see the flaw in that argument – She was a Torchwood covert operative. By that logic she should have told everybody what she was doing long before PC Gwen ever turned up.

I did like the Weevil. I have to say that I didn’t think "Hellraiser" when I saw him for the first time - More Elephant Man meets The Howling. But I thought that the idea of leather wearing, sewer dwelling carnivore has definite potential to be a running theme. Perhaps we can find out a little more about them when the time comes.

And talking about finding things out. Captain Jack Harkness is something of a mystery these days isn’t he? I have to say that I loved the Batman rift of his standing on the tall building looking out over ‘his’ city. Very cool bit of posing.

He has the style, but what of the substance? How did he get from reanimated corpse in the far flung future to heading a "secret" organisation in contemporary Cardiff? Is this one of those questions we will ever get answered? Has it anything to do with the two years worth of memories that he misplaced?

And why can’t he be killed? How far does this ability extend? If, for example, he’d wanted to take the quick way down from the top that building, would he have been able to get up and walk away straight afterwards? As a bullet hole sealed itself, fixing bone and (assumedly) missing bits of brain, I can only assume that he’d be fine.

So can he age? Is he some kind of immortal like the Highlander? Ooh, there’s another possible movie mention.

So many questions. Will we get the answers?

I do hope so.

Anyway, all in all that was a good enough opener to make me want to watch episode 2. Good effects, interesting intro story and a team that will, hopefully, grow on me.

I’ll come back and review the second episode in a day or so. But for the time being, I’ve not been disappointed.

Oh yes, one last thing. The Pterodactyl. I’m somewhere between "Huh?", "Why?", "How?" and "What?!!" at the moment.

Captain Harlot

Despite my barely disguised moral outrage earlier, I have to admit that I really enjoyed the first episode of Torchwood, even if it was ludicrously silly.

The star of the show has got to be the set. The Torchwood Hub looks (insert obligatory swear word here) marvellous - like a ramshackle CTU that hasn't had the cleaners in for decades, you could almost smell the damp. The paving slab was a great conceit but I wish Gwen hadn't drawn my attention to the obvious flaw/floor because every time we'll be down there I'll be expecting a pakouring idiot to come hurtling down the shaft. The pterodactyl was a nice touch too - I can't wait for the episode where it poops on Jack's head as he delivers one of his heroic speeches...

Oh look, two men snogging each other's faces off - the RTD hallmark of quality...

The supporting star of the show has to be Cardiff. I used to visit Cardiff quite a lot during the early 90s and it never looked as sexy as that. The helicopter shots made the place look (insert another pointless swear word here) gorgeous, even if I kept expecting a voice-over to intone "Next week on The Apprentice...". The Welsh tourist board really ought to be paying half the production costs, you know...

Secondary to all this rain-drenched gloss are the characters themselves:

Gwen was fairly likable and she fulfils the role of the surrogate audience member quite well. She can't run for toffee, though. And I'm waiting for the episode which reveals that the gap in her teeth is actually a portal to another dimension...

Captain Jack Harkness seemed slightly different to the character we already know and love; sure, he's still sauve, cocky and charming beyond belief, but there's also a hint of sadness there, too. Amazingly, John Barrowman appears to have toned his performance down a bit, and he's even more likable as a result. And he gets all the best lines. As usual.

Then there's Burn Gorman as Owen Harper. God, he's ugly, isn't he? No wonder he needed alien pheromones so he could get his end away (date rape? you decide). Oh look, two men snogging each other's faces off - the RTD hallmark of quality and not in any way gratutitous. Oh no.

Sato and Jones get pretty short shrift here, but that's hardly surprising when great chunks of the running time are spent with Jack standing on top of tall buildings with his coat tails flapping. I guess we'll learn more about them in the weeks to come.

Having said all that, I really enjoyed the sense of prickly camaraderie that existed within the team, and while it's got some way to go before it beats Firefly in the ensemble stakes, I was glad to see that they are a pretty selfish and deceitful bunch; the montage where we see they've been smuggling alien tech out of the hub was priceless.

Why bother telling her anything at all if he's going to wipe her memory? He may as well have told her they were a bunch of shape-shifting elephants from the future!

I also enjoyed the little Doctor Who references that were sprinkled liberally around the place - Jubilee Pizza, the Doctor's hand in a tank, the chameleon circuit leaving its mark in Cardiff, silly overblown music by Murray Gold - but my favourite nod sideways has to be the fact that Gwen's boyfriend looks a little bit like Paul Cornell. If you squint really, really hard.

The Weevils (who makes this stuff up?) were brilliantly creepy and I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of these vampires, sorry, aliens down the line. I have to say that I felt quite sorry for the little blighter in the cell, but then again I'm a sucker for any dog that can cock its head sideways.

The plot was... well, there wasn't one, was there? What really made me laugh is the fact that Jack spoon feeds Gwen all the gen on Torchwood (in a public bar no less!) for NO REASON WHATSOEVER! Why bother telling her anything at all if he's going to wipe her memory? He may as well have told her they were a bunch of shape-shifting elephants from the future. And he seemed awfully sure that she wouldn't jot down all the information on a notepad which makes this ultra-secret organisation about as secretive as, well, UNIT. I mean, everyone seems to know who they are, from pizza delivery guys to forensic cops. They've probably got an account with the local taxi firm.

And Torchwood 4 has gone missing, eh? Perhaps it's off having lunch with Babylon 4...

And Suzie was the baddie, eh? What a twist! She lasted, oh about 0.2 seconds, didn't she? However, it was a bit of a wasted opportunity, if you ask me. We hardly knew her so when she turned bad - thanks to the silliest motive ever - and then shot herself in the face (POST-WATERSHED ALERT!) I hardly raised an eyebrow. And why bother to stab the victim with an elaborate knife that could be traced back to her in the first place? Why not just use a kitchen knife instead? The dozy mare.

And then we get an even bigger twist - Jack can't die. Oh, purlease! Why not just call him Angelus and be done with it? When I heard that Jack was lacking something that made him human I thought he couldn't sleep, or something original like that; this is such an obvious "curse" as to be laughable. And just watch that tension evaporate! Now we know that every time Jack is threatened he's in NO DANGER WHATSOEVER! Grrrrrreat!

Captain Harkness is Indestructible. You Are Not. Do Not Try to Imitate Him.

Bum Bum Bum Bum-Bum-Bum Bum!

Oh sorry, that's the next episode, isn't it?

The Tachyon TV Book of Made-Up Fucking Facts about Torch-fuckin-Wood has this to say about Everything Fucking Changes: a scene showing Ianto Jones smuggling a Sontaran Automatic Anal Intruder Machine out of the hub was cut for time but it will appear on the XXX DVD release in November.
 

If We Tolerate This...

Before I post my reviews of the first 2 episodes I just wanted to say that I've got a serious problem with Torchwood as a concept. No, not the whole 'secret organisation scavenging alien tech' premise. That's fine. The problem I have is Russell T Davies getting his gritty, adult, horny and gory cop series on the air on the back of Doctor Who. Please, think of the kids!

We currently have 2 scenarios for the 6-12 year olds in the audience. Either they have irresponsible parents and/or a TV in their bedrooms and they managed to watch some gratuitous sex and violence last night (bravo Russell! - with the emphasis on Bravo) or b) they have responsible parents and they went to bed crying their eyes out because they couldn't watch Captain Jack. And how could they not know they were missing him? Trailers at 7pm, a Radio Times cover, references splashed through every damn episode of season 2...

What next for the BBC? Grange Hill Let Loose? X-rated Jackanory? Thomas the Spank Engine? It shouldn't be allowed to happen.

But not only that, why bother in the first place? Did we really need the f-words and the blood? What would we have lost if they'd toned it down and aimed it at a 7pm audience? Oh yes, a pathetic second episode where an alien takes out a wank bank! But I'm getting ahead of myself...

In short, it's completely irresponsible and, and I quote, "a fucking disgrace".

Or have I turned into Mary Whitehouse in my old age?

Oh...

Was that it?

I should mention I'm reviewing this episode by episode, and I haven't read the other reviews yet. I don't know what all you thought of "Everything Changes", but for me that was quite a let down.

Let's start at the very beginning (A very good place to start). There was no real introduction to Torchwood, they just turned up. And considering they seem to have the authority to make the police leave, how do they tell them to when they don't seem to have a police connection yet? How do they do it if they aren't with the police, the government or the UN?

So anyway, the car turns up, and they get out. Not very mysterious yet. And the name "Torchwood" seems to be common knowledge, so why is it only now that Gwen starts to see them? Surely they must have done something before? I find it hard to believe that suddenly within the space of a couple of days Gwen should not only become aware of them, but gain full access to them. The title actually implies that something changes, but nothing does except that Gwen finds out who Torchwood are, which wouldn't have really bothered her anyway as she'd never heard of it before.

And where is everyone? The London branch was staffed to the teeth, and yet Cardiff on a rift in time and space can only afford five people?

Oh, and, as much fun as it was, what the hell was Captain Jack standing on that building for?

When the alien bit the guy, where the hell did all that blood come from? Was that like the scene from Airplane!, when he's sweating so they basically just pour water over him? Was it meant to be comic? And let's face it, the guy he bit was just screaming "EXPENDABLE JOLLY GUY WHO'LL DIE TO MAKE IT MORE DRAMATIC". Subtle, real subtle.

And there's that bloody swearing! I'm sorry, but one of my real hates is swearing in a TV show to say "Look at us, we're making grown up TV!". It ain't big and it ain't clever.

The whole episode felt dead. The script, while having its moments ("Who orders pizza under the name Torchwood?") left a lot to be desired. And while I appreciated the links to the mother show, they should have been left out. The episode should have tried to stand up by itself, with the links being made in later episodes. Either that, or Jack should have been the main focus, not Gwen.

The direction was flat, and it was obviously trying to be all "high budget american TV show" look, but it missed out on any impressive shots. There wasn't anything to commend about the directing. The acting, while not a large problem, still wasn't brilliant. Even the somewhat perfect John Barrowman couldn't save this.

Sorry, 5/10. Maybe a little harsh, but if this were any other pilot, I'd have switched off after ten minutes.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Torchwood’ facts has this to say about Everything Changes: RTD actually came up with the idea for the hub during filming of "Boom Town", when he fell down a hole where there had previously been a dimensionally transcendental chameleon circuit that welded its perception properties to a spatio-temporal rift. What luck!

Hand in Glove

Now that’s how to do a pilot!

Long-term readers of the Tachyon site may recall that I caused a bit of a stink back in March last year by having the temerity to treat the return of our beloved Doctor Who with something less than warm affection. Given the sixteen year gap it was perhaps inevitable that anything less than perfection was going to disappoint; and the feeling of emptiness following ‘Rose’ still causes a few wry memories to surface after all this time. Perhaps I was too close to be objective. Perhaps I just wanted too much too soon. Perhaps I just had my head up my canonical arse. Either way, I fell out with the Tachyon uber-meister himself, no less. And very nearly lost my posting rights.

I don’t think there’s any chance of that happening this time.

With all the requisite hype that anything - but anything - Doctor Who related engenders these days finally out of the way, I am very happy to report that Torchwood’s pilot is good. Make that very, very good.

Which is strange, seeing as it pretty much does everything that the Who reboot did last year. Only better.

The similarities hardly need to be underlined. Plucky every-girl gets drawn into a fantastical world of aliens, technology and life beyond the grave; and ultimately finds it more enticing than the ho-hum domesticity of work, boyfriends and lasagnes that she secretly yearns to escape. So far, so Rose Tyler; except that for once Russell T Davies seems to have acknowledged the criticism of his sometimes heavy-handed attempts to ground the fantastic in the everyday. Giving PC Gwen Cooper a life that dovetails neatly between her believable likeability and her new role for the Torchwood organisation.

for once Russell T Davies seems to have acknowledged the criticism of his sometimes heavy-handed attempts to ground the fantastic in the everyday

And what an organisation. Operating on the periphery of either the police or the military, Torchwood is something of a cross between the various CSIs that seem to crop up on a regular basis around middle America and the Initiative group from Buffy season four. Which is apt, as Torchwood the show similarly wears its lineage on its sleeve. For one thing, all those aerial swoops that render Cardiff more like LA and the leading man standing around broodingly on rooftops gives the show just a smidgen of Angel-lite credos. And throw in an eclectic bunch of misfits and misanthropes and you’ve pretty much got the cast of Firefly too. Once more it seems that the 21^st Century reboot of the Whoniverse has got more than a few fingerprints of a certain Joss Whedon smeared all over its format.

It’s a pretty perfunctory episode, to be honest, but necessarily so given the amount of info-dump that pilots by nature have to impart. The whole serial-killer sub-plot seems to peter out after ten minutes - only to be spectacularly resolved at the climax - and the story as a whole is little more than window dressing to ensure that Gwen moves from point A to point B within fifty minutes. But what’s important is that the characters are all set up efficiently - if in some cases rather scantily - and the whole thing looks very confident and very glossy. I’m certainly not one for style over substance, but in this case the sheer scope that this series hopes to cover requires one or two ‘Wow!’ moments along the way.

Once more it seems that the 21^st Century reboot of the Whoniverse has got more than a few fingerprints of a certain Joss Whedon smeared all over its format

And as if we were in any doubt beforehand, it’s safe to say that the star of the show is the 51^st Century’s answer to Freddie Mercury: Captain Jack Harkness. With his shit-eating, Tom Cruise-aping grin of perfect teeth and a swagger that only those born to play leading parts seem to have, John Barrowman takes to the role of show-anchor with all the style and panache that those five episodes oh-so long ago now always suggested he would. There’s also an increased depth to the Captain’s character that the next eleven Sundays should make a pleasure to endure; whilst the early revelation of Jack’s ‘big’ secret (providing you’d managed to avoid it in certain weekend listing magazines) is surely going to be a recurring meme throughout the season. With his easy mix of sexy charm and intense steel, at one moment I even contemplated Barrowman as a potential future Doctor. Until I realised that that would be over-egging the effect a tad too much.

Design-wise there are hardly any faults - both the Torchwood ‘hub’ (a mix of bat-cave gothic with Hannibal Lecter’s prison cell) and the cinematography (which gives Cardiff a gloss that few would have afforded it) are spot on. And the one alien face on view is another tour-de-force from Neil Gorton’s prophetic team (making the scene in which Gwen and one of the hospital porters mistake it for an ugly bloke all the more unlikely, to be honest). The humour’s handled very well, too - no farting aliens here - and is often used to undercut the tension like any good horror-based narrative. The pheromone gag with Owen Harper’s Lee Evans-alike geek is particularly funny; and while my first reaction to his character was weary resignation in the face of another Mickey-style piece of comic relief, by the end I found myself thinking he’ll actually prove to be one of the more memorable members of the team.

If only the parent show could surprise us like this more often…

But perhaps the piece de resistance of this opening gambit is in the spectacular demise of someone we had been led to believe would be one of the regulars. Killing off a brand new character may seem easy given the lack of audience loyalty, but Suzy’s exposure as the serial-killing black sheep of Torchwood’s Cardiff clan was still pretty shocking. And the fact that it was kept secret to all bar the message-board trawlers is surely this series’ first big coup. If only the parent show could surprise us like this more often…

Disappointments? Well, the whole swearing thing’s unnecessary, seeing as the adult subtext should do more than enough to mark this out as a post-watershed programme without resorting to playground-style use of four-letter words (which sound unintentionally comical instead). And perhaps one or two of the ‘fan’ moments were a little heavy-handed (if you’ll pardon the pun, seeing what Jack seems to be keeping floating in a jar of formaldehyde). But on the whole this is a very satisfying start for a series which already seems to have its own identity; and a very confident and intriguing one at that.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Torchwood’ facts has this to say about Everything Changes: The Mill spent six weeks - using 232 special effect shots - to create the gap in Eve Myles’ teeth)

"I am the mess you chose, the closet you cannot close."

It's Wednesday 18th October at 9:40 pm and I've just returned from Manchester and a High Def preview of Torchwood.  Although I'm sure in the next four days the web will be awash with spoilers I've decided to write this review now and blast it through the time rift into the future.  Because really after the ending of Everything Changes it would be like telling a four year old that there isn't a Father Christmas and there's a seventy percent chance they'll spend most of their life working in an office.  It wouldn't be fair or right.  The screening was (I think) a success -- everyone laughed in the right places and gasped in others although I can't tell who were fans.  Although apparently a fair percentage were from the Torchwood TV blog.

But really, again I say, that climax.  Not since Lisa Faulkner found the wrong end of a deep fat fryer in Spooks has something been so unexpected.  24?  Yes, stock in trade, it'd be wrong if someone didn't die horrifically at the close of an hour.  But here?  I mean Suzie even enjoyed gallery pictures at the official website and appeared on the cover of Radio Times, and warranting a profile which on reflection looks somewhat threadbare in comparison to the others but which I originally put down to the overall veil of secrecy which has hung over the project (until tonight).  I wonder how many people in the audience, like me, wondered when it would be revealed as an initiation trick to test Gwen's mettle, even the bullet to Jack's head.  Which cleverly provided a second twist - so when Rose brought him back to life she also (inadvertently?) made him unkillable (Can he still age?  Is he actually immortal?  How old is he now?).  Does this by implication mean the Rose too cannot die since she too was exposed to the time vortex?  Does this mean that Indira Varma's IMDb page is wrong - or will there be some great resurrection later in the series?

Not since Lisa Faulkner found the wrong end of a deep fat fryer in Spooks has something been so unexpected.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, more speculation later.  Really this is the most enjoyable fifty minutes I've spent in a cinema this year.  Blown up to the size of a house, the episode looked amazing, better than some films in fact.  Funny, thrilling, hilarious, gripping, Torchwood is probably everything I wished some episodes of Season Two of Doctor Who had been.  This looks like the work of a group of people who are finally getting to make the kind of show they've wanted to make.  Nothing is misjudged, with even the sex, violence and swearing fitting within context.  I don't think Cardiff has looked this good and as promised, the city is presented in all of its potential glory - and yet with Weevils, the dark underbelly, the sewers.  Did I mention it was funny?  Lines that got a laugh in the screening 'Just a pterodactyl', 'Well if this'll make it easier.' 'That's harassment.'  'Walked here.  I bloody walked'  'All that CSI bollocks.  I'd like to see CSI Cardiff - they'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab.' 'You Welsh.  Someone shows you something extraordinary and you criticize it.'

As an opening episode, this was perfectly structured.  The drawing of a newby into a fantastic realm, has quite rightly been described as nothing new, but here it worked beautifully because Gwen's natural curiosity drew into the 'inner circle' rather than through some kidnapping or mistake.  Also, unlike Rose, the 'real world' seemed perfectly realistic, well realistic in a television sense in that it looked like an expensive episode of The Bill, which meant the fantasy she was being diving into really was different.  I mean her initial interaction with the Weevil was natural - no such thing as aliens so it has to be a guy in a mask, right?  One of the lovely threads which ran through the episode which perfectly retconned why almost everyone seems to forget big spaceships and robot troops is the creation of something even more unlikely but which somehow fits within our realistic expectations.

This looks like the work of a group of people who are finally getting to make the kind of show they've wanted to make.

Perhaps most impressively, Russell T decided to take time to carefully set up the world of the series rather than running half-cocked through some forgettable plotline of the week hoping that the viewer will keep up.  Here, the story was Torchwood, or rather Gwen's discovery of it and that was more than enough for the running time.  Some might criticize the seemingly endless shots of items in the hub, they were obviously fascinating, particular the hand which was revealed in Radio Times to be the one that The Doctor lost in The Christmas Invasion (wonder where it landed).  The other character introductions were perfectly pitched too, each receiving a moment that defined their character - the highlight obviously being Owen's experimentation with the love potion.  Do Toshiko and Jack both know that the other has met the Doctor - I do hope they have that scene together, although given that Jack's reluctant to talk about the time lord I'm not sure it'll happen soon.

And what of Captain Jack?  As befits the mood of the piece, John Barrowman has tuned down his performance slightly and whereas during his brief spell on Doctor Who he didn't seem like someone who could fit in any reality, he works very well here.  Anyone else notice that he's now given to Doctorish speeches?  But he's still funny.  Pregnant?  Really?  As I left the screening I heard two guys talking about what they'd seen and one said to the other 'It was alright I suppose, but they should have shown Captain Jack arriving through the rift…' NO.  NO.  NO.  Don't waste the mystery, don't reveal everything straight away, and if you do reveal anything, make sure that it simply creates other questions.  For example, does Jack know all about the Sycorax and Cybermen because he was in the country then?  Did he know The Doctor was around?  Why didn't he contact him?  Is he still pissed about being left behind in the future?  How much does he know about the setting up of Torchwood?  Does any of this actually matter?  Contrast this with Robin Hood, in which we already know everything we need to know about the lead character.  The series isn't rejecting established mythology but it is having fun with it - like the cloaking effect left behind by the appearance of the TARDIS in Cardiff bay during Boomtown.   I do hope that is a cyber lady in the trailers.

But there wasn't a weak link in the cast, everyone fitting very well into their characters.  Obviously Eve Myles had the most screen time here, and thankfully she was mesmerizing able to leap tall acting buildings in a single bound, presenting tragedy and comedy with equal measure, something that wasn't reflected in The Unquiet Dead (although I'd still love there to be some kind of connection between those two characters).  Some of the biggest laughs in the screening came from Myles moments, including the way she lifted her head from the keyboard after the insomnia pill.  That hair.

The bloke I ended up sitting next to in the screening, was very quick at the close of the episode to note that 'someone had been watching Angel' and its true that throughout elements of other genre series could be seen.  The brooding moments on top of buildings taken from helicopters were similar to Wim Wender's Wings of Desire (and its blah US remake City of Angels) and the now unkillable Jack is very Angel-like (although it doesn't seem to be bothering him too much, but then he can see the sun).  But none of this matters.  Buffy looked like the work of someone who had absorbed years worth of horror films since it managed to be influenced by most of them during its seven years. 

What's important here is whether its entertaining, and oh good lord, yes it is.