Poor Damon. That's all I could think of as this soft-core twaddle unfurled on screen. How on earth will he be able to ram his cock gags down our throat this week without us thinking he's writing a proper review? Nob gags, sub-Carry On innuendo (how they stopped themselves from using the "he went out with a bang?" line is beyond me), titillation and lashings of gratuitous lesbianism. Anything Damon could come up with would be mild in comparison. Poor sod. But at least his reviewing style actually feels appropriate all of a sudden.
The central concept of 'sex mad alien on the loose' is one of the hoariest (sorry!) cliches in the book. However, at least Species was sexy and had Natasha Henstridge in the nuddy. Here we get a strangely coy sex scene involving a chav in a bog. Yummy. They didn't even have the courage to go "all the way" - the only tit we get to see in the entire episode is Owen Harper! And just when you think that's plunging the bottom of the barrel, here's a fat, bald geezer whacking one off! Talk about easily pleased.
At least Species was sexy and had Natasha Henstridge in the nuddy. Here we get a strangely coy sex scene involving a chav in a bog...
And the onaism doesn't stop there. The scene set in a sperm donation
clinic simply beggared (or should that be buggered?) belief. Was is supposed to be funny? Frightening? Fatuous? It's hard (heh) to come (snigger) to any kind of conclusion about that climax (somebody shoot me).
Day One wasn't sexy - it was crude. Like a copy of The Daily Sport crossed with a particularly sticky issue of FHM, and about as erotic as an episode of Two Pints of Lager. However, the moment where Carys shares a scene with her Dad I honestly began to panic. For a second there I thought they were going to step so far over the line as to make RTDs famous rimming scene in Queer As Folk look like some heavy petting. Perhaps they're saving the incest for season 2...
But what really made me howl with laughter was RTD's claims in Torchwood: Declassified (transmitted at 2:40am!) that there's actually a serious point to all of this. He points to society's obsession with sex and how that desensitises us to love and stuff (I think that's what he said, I was laughing too hard to take notes). And his considered response to this? Why, he takes a kid's show and he makes a soft-core spin-off out of it! I mean, is it just me?
The only redeeming feature was Jack's obsession with the Doctor's hand (in keeping with the wanking theme, of course). However, I have to ask a) how did Torchwood find it in the first place and b) why didn't it splatter into a million pieces when it hit the pavement? But again it just flags up how inappropriate this all is - tying the The Christmas Invasion into this soiled bag of smut is a bit like setting the sequel to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in a brothel. And I'll keep banging on about this until somebody agrees with me.
This isn't adult sci-fi. It's adolescent sci-fi. I'm off to watch some Battlestar Galactica instead...
The Brown Paper Bag version of the Touch-my-Wood Book of Made-Up Facts has this to say about Day One: Phhhooooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!