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The Captain and Tennille

Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness

Jings, Berty. This is much better. A chap could start getting into this lark, what?

"Renegades who, not only don't play by the book, have no concept of what a book actually is."

And to think it all started so unpromisingly, when Torchwood, that crack gang of renegades who, not only don't play by the book, have no concept of what a book actually is or what function it could possible perform in the devil may care world of alien tech recovery and shagging, are called out to investigate what is in effect a noisy neighbour. Instead of dialling 999 or even 101 why not get Torchwood to pony up some hardware at the scene. Got a cat stuck up a tree? Why not call Torchwood? Watch them remove it with a cat scaring and seduction bracelet that fell through the rift from a 43rd century branch of Accessorize and then hump Grandpa out of his Althzimers induced fug.

Some episodes of Torchwood were definitely written with the No-One Will Notice This Field turned up to a full 11 that you just accepted that Billis would, for no obvious reason, have a piece of the Rift Manipulator in his grandfather clock and that the good burghers of Cardiff City Council would use council tax payers money to build a massive Rift Manipulator in the middle of the Bay area and dress it up as a piece of modern art that spurts water down it. Century Falls? More like Weakly Trickling. Which reminds me of another oft ignored question, why do Torchwood personnel never feel the urge to be constantly running to the lav? With the base of the water tower, sorry, Rift Manipulator, being at the centre of their hub, the constant trickle of water down it must mean everyone is inexplicable wanting to make toilet every 7.5 minutes.

"God save us from internet sites that dissect Doctor Who and Torchwood."

And Bilis. Ahhh, Bilis. The evil gay. Not a good gay, an evil gay. It's just the sort of mad bastard role you can see Tom Baker taking in the next series of Torchwood. No sooner had this character's rather unusual name been mentioned than the forums were a wash with questions about who this person might actually be. Could his name be an anagram? I swear, some people were taking his name, adding half a dozen random letters, and then proclaiming, "Look! It is an anagram of 'Where is Chibnall buried'". God save us from internet sites that dissect Doctor Who and Torchwood.

"The Audience Appreciation Baker Fanzine Irritation scale."

But on the plus side Ianto produced his best scene of the series so far, by shooting Owen in the back. He was aiming for his head but every time Owen's lips swing apart the centre of gravity shifts on account of the hinge at the base of his skull (the one that imposes some semblance of order upon the two halves of his flapping face) causing him to stumble slightly. If I'd been watching that in a hall full of people it would have probably registered a 7 on the Audience Appreciation Baker Fanzine Irritation scale.

I wonder whether the second part of the climactic climax will leave me breathless and panting for more...? We might never know. We might never care.

The Torchwood Bumper Book of Date Rape Techniques has this to say about Captain Jack Harkness: This episode was originally pitched as a gay remake of the Nicholas Lyndhurst time travel "comedy" Goodnight Sweetheart.

Warning Team, Temporal Disruption Imminent

Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness

"Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the Cardiff of confusion. I, Russell T. Reguard, issue the challenge. My gallant team of Chris Chibnall, Richard Stokes and Julie Gardner have been chosen to guide my blindfolded show though a perilous quest for survival. And although I have been able to supply them with baffling clues from a convoluted pilot episode, the rest they have had to figure out for themselves, as show cannot see where it is going. They have suffered critcal maulings from rogue cannibals and cyborg valkyries, but bravely battle on. They have appeased and evaded evil fairies with the Mystic Sapphire and Steel Shield of Cowardice. But now they face their greatest challenge and their Ratings Force energy is low. Can they guide this faltering show successfully to the Season Two gateway? Will they come a cropper in the Block & Wedding Tackle or the dreaded Corridor Of Blaidds? Or will they unwisely sidestep their characters left and right into a Plot Hole or Credibility Gap for the last time? Let the quest recommence..."

I didn't particularly take to Catherine Treganna's earlier Out Of Time very much. It was unoriginal, but competent and well-enough acted, and it explored human relations and their fallout in a more credible and realistic fashion than most of the series up to that point. By splitting the refugees up into three seperate story sections however, I just didn't care much in the end when there wasn't enough time to really get to know them, and only one came under any real personal conflict.

No such problem with Captain Jack Harkness, an episode that as previously noted bears more than a passing resemblence to The X-Files' Triangle, with the action split between two time zones, taking place in parallel in the same location. The latter episode however was broad comedy whereas the only laughs this particular episode will elicit are likely to be from viewers who, sadly, may already have had their angst tolerance battered into submission by the Jack Pack's relentless shouting matches. Their loss. Captain Jack Harkness also goes one further than Triangle in establishing how actions in one time zone can influence the other, partly from Tosh's messages, but also the eerie device of the ghost music signifyinging an important breach point between the two.

"Couldn't the teasers be more like those of The X-Files, where the setup is generally the opening event, seperate from the main story, that provokes the investigation? Oh wait, they did it that way in Countrycide. Forget I spoke"

Not for the first time in the series, there's no lead-in of any kind; Jack and Tosh turn up at the dance hall, drop the briefest of mission information, and bam; we're expected to pick up from there. It's not usually difficult to follow, but it feels very often like there's a middle and an end, but no actual beginning. Couldn't the pre-title teasers be more often like those of The X-Files, where the setup is generally the opening event, seperate from the main story, that provokes the investigation? Oh wait, they did it that way in Countrycide. Forget I spoke.

But other than that, Captain Jack Harness is a lovely episode. It encapsulates everything the series does, or should do, best (or at least, not badly); it's not about saving the world in itself, it's has genuine human emotion instead of cheap shags, it's about 'real' prople, and there's a definite air of mystery that isn't for a change tossed out halfway through in favour of a crap secondary plot. Even the ongoing bisexuality theme doesn't feel forced this time; as with Greeks Bearing Gifts, it's telling how it comes across so much better when the show decides to explore it in more detail instead of offering little teasers. Everyone also gets plenty to do and the characterisation is sound enough, though it's a bit of an eye-opener that without Jack in charge, it's Ianto who morphs into the voice of reason - safe, boring, and above all, armed. Owen, as manipulative as ever, pulls rank the most vicious way he can, by throwing the Cyberwoman incident in Ianto's face. Yes, about TIME. Ah, Owen, so smitten over Diane, such a selfish prick, such a BAD LIAR. Any schoolboy with a GCSE in science-fiction will tell you that so long as the other end of your time corridor is stable at one specific point, it's not going to make a snit's worth of difference how long you take to get there and all this mash dash is quite unnecessary. Who didn't punch the air when Ianto finally grew his balls to stop him? Though poor Ianto, always doomed to complete failure even then...

John Barrowman in particular acts his socks off, tormented by guilt and compassion for a man he not only can't save but will consign the original to the dustbin of history for the sake of a conman's lie, and almost overcompensating as a result with his loyalty to Tosh over the predicament she's in as a future internment detainee, assuming she can even survive that long with the suspicion of espionage hanging over her every moment. Far more so than in Out Of Time, the culture and attitude clash between different times is central to Captain Jack Harkness' drama, and Catherine Treganna writes it with aplomb. It makes such perfect sense that our Jack would assume the identity of a man so similar to himself, and he's put further and further through the wringer as he tries to persuade his real-world counterpart to do the right thing, without alerting him to his ultimate fate and thereby possibly changing history - though you can tell he's sorely tempted to. And finally, when sympathy turns to affection and then genuine love, and it all boils over into that poignant slow dance in soft focus, it's absolutely wince-making to watch because you KNOW it's all going to crash down in flames for both of them the moment our Jack returns to the present day, an era he's so much less comfortable in. The Blinovich Limitation Effect has taken two aspirins and retired to bed with a migraine.

"The Blinovich Limitation Effect has taken two aspirins and retired to bed with a migraine"

All this presided over by Bilis Minger, easily the spookiest, most enigmatic support character this series has given birth to. Doesn't Murray Melvin just look the part with that Tobias Vaughn face of his? He's able to convey so much with just a wry smile. I have to say though my face fell as soon as I saw Bilis pull out the Torchwood file from his desk - God, even in 1941 their security was flimsy! But not as flimsy as their grasp of the laws of cause and effect. It wouldn't be a Torchwood episode without something not making sense, would it? Where did the plans for the rift machine suddenly spring from anyway? Why did they even build it when they have no idea what the results will be? And how on earth did one piece go missing and finish up as a pendulum in a grandfather clock? Time, yes. Very good. Very clever. But if I ever need a metaphorical representation of 'logic', Cardiff will not be my first port of call.

I'm sure there's something I've forgotten. Ah yes, the revelation about Jack's true identity. What, you were expecting that from the episode title? You were suckered, mate. Personally I'm glad; for one thing I don't think we're ready to receive the answer yet - the X-Files conclusively revealed the existence of alien life on Earth early in season two, and that felt too soon - but doing it in this way also enhances the mystery by keeping up the interest; if you didn't care about it, you wouldn't feel short-changed, would you? Moreover, even Jack doesn't appear to know who he really is by this point; there are still those two years' worth of stolen memories from The Doctor Dances to be accounted for yet. I'm waiting for a good complete episode-long resolution to this when the time is right. It should also be in the parent show where it was set up in the first place - the disappointment you might feel now would be nothing compared to that of an audience who were denied an answer for reasons other than age and parental responsibility. Me, I'd be screaming like Owen and company in End Of Days demanding an explanation, and brother, doesn't THAT get old real quick. I bloody HATE comics crossovers where they try and tease you into buying a secondary comic you may not like or follow in order to keep up with the first one that you do.

Meanwhile under the watchful eye of Russel T Reguard, the trio of producers have skillfully guided the show past three trap rooms and a wall monster, collecting a much-needed life force boost on the way. But oh dear, Chris Chibnall has scribbled out the level password 'besot' and written in 'Beast' instead. Warning, team. I don't think Jack's dance is going to be the last Torchwood thing that will end in tears.

The Humper Book Of Sexually Torchwood Diseases has this to say about Captain Jack Harkness: Shares in Vaseline jumped fifteen percent following the broadcast of the dance scene.

A Tale of Two Jack's

Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness

After her first superb episode of Torchwood, Out of Time, Catherine Tregenna did not disappoint with her second episode, Captain Jack Harkness, another beautifully written tale with great characterisation of the regulars and, like Sean Alexander said, plenty of heart.

As in Out of Time there wasn’t much in the way of plot, but again that didn’t really matter, as this episode served as the first part of the series finale with End of Days, and part of its job was to set up the final episode, which it did, even though nobody in the hub knew that at the end of this episode.

I am sure quite a few people felt quite short changed in this episode when by the end of the episode we still know little more about Jack than we did at the start of the episode apart from the fact Jack Harkness is not his real name, and we found out who the real Jack Harkness was.

To be honest this was not really a big surprise as in The Doctor Dances, the Doctor saw right through him and said that he wasn’t really a captain, so if you were an eagle eared viewer you would have remembered that (I didn’t until someone reminded me, it has to be said) so that revelation wouldn’t have been surprising to anyone who had seen Jack in Doctor Who.

Having said that, if you had just seen Torchwood then that might very well have been a surprising admission, because you cannot simply assume that everyone watching Torchwood would have seen Doctor Who because I am sure there are plenty of people watching it who are not Doctor Who fans.

It also has to be said that Jack seems very much at home in the 1940s and it was obvious that he wouldn’t really have been that bothered if they weren’t able to get back, but put that to the back of his mind because of Tosh, who certainly didn’t want to be stranded in war-torn Britain and I must admit that I wouldn’t fancy being a Japanese woman in war torn Britain either. That was very nice of Jack thinking of Tosh like that and was the same kind of compassion Jack has shown on a few occasions during Torchwood.

One of the reasons that I really enjoyed the episode was because it features Tosh in quite a major way because she is one of my favourite characters from Torchwood, and if it were a toss up between Gwen and Tosh, I would pick Tosh, if you catch my drift. It was very touching I thought when Gwen read the note that Tosh had written the other half of the equation on, saying simply that she loved her family and obviously thought that she wasn’t going to make it. Poor Tosh!

Ianto got to do what a lot of people would like to do and shoot Owen. I actually don’t mind Owen that much, certainly he can be a bit of a knob and he does have a very strange looking face, but I can see why he would go to all that trouble to open the rift, as he was sure that it would bring Diane back to him. I know that I would have done the same thing if that had been me, so I can’t really argue with what he did. It would have been a very stupid thing to do, but hey you do stupid things when you are in love, which Owen certainly is.

Ianto bought up Lisa again, as he is wont to do, and they both got into a scrap about whose bird was better. Of course if Ianto had decided to bring Lisa back when she was in her Cyberwoman persona then that would have been a bad thing, but if she was bought back in her original state then that wouldn’t have been so bad, well apart from the fact that opening the rift could cause a major catastrophe. Ianto obviously wasn’t as blinded by love as Owen was at that moment as he was able to see what a bad idea it would be, unlike Owen who just basically wanted a shag.

Billis Manger was a bit of an odd character wasn’t he? He did seem a little out of place even in the 1940s but it wasn’t until he was seen in the modern day by Gwen looking not a day older (and dressed in exactly the same way) that you knew he certainly wasn’t what he seemed at all. That certainly seemed to be something that would be followed up in the final episode especially after he had part of the rift machinery in his office (as well as a folder labelled Torchwood).

I did wonder why, if the building was in disrepair and was about to be pulled down that Manger’s office seemed no different to how it did in the 1940’s. I thought that the direction was quite effective when you saw Jack and Tosh walking down the corridors and then Gwen walking down the same corridors some 60 odd years later, and also when Jack and Tosh just walked straight into a 1940’s dance. One minute they were in an abandoned building and the next minute they were in a bustling place full of people enjoying a night off. That was a nice shot I thought.

The real Captain Jack was an interesting character, well played by Matt Rippey, a lot like the Jack we knew from Doctor Who, and it turned out he was more like Jack than we thought, so you can see why Jack would have taken his identity rather than somebody else’s. Perhaps he was the only American around at that time.

I don’t think we will ever find out the complete truth about Jack in Torchwood, but that does make his character a lot more interesting, simply because we just don’t know who he really is, well it does to me anyway.

I thought this episode was very good and moving and would love to see Catherine Tregenna pen an episode of Doctor Who, as I am sure she would turn out an interesting episode, quite different from anything we have seen before. With Helen Raynor becoming the first female to write for the new series this coming season perhaps she will be in for a shout in series four. We can but hope.

Jack of Hearts

Christ, this show is frustrating.

Just as you think you can dismiss Torchwood as a steaming pile of over-hyped, oversexed and overrated nonsense, it keeps producing glimmers that - come the already commissioned Season Two - suggest it might still surprise us all. Because when it stops doing the whole pointy-gun, foully-mouthed, badly plotted shtick for just five minutes there are moments when this show threatens to hit pay dirt. And Captain Jack Harkness is one of them.

But as always, this recommendation comes with a big, big caveat: do not watch this episode and expect to find a superior slice of well-plotted television that makes you proud to boast as to the depth and invention that science fiction shows can offer - save that for BSG. Only watch this episode if you’re a soft, sentimental son-of-a-bitch like me. Believe me, you’ll be holding back the tears if you do.

Like Catherine Tregenna’s previous slice of Torchwood superius ‘Out of Time’, 'Captain Jack Harkness' plays on those well-worn old heart strings of love and loss. Transported back to the 1940s by an opening of the temporal rift, Jack and Toshiko find themselves uninvited guests at the last saloon dance of a bunch of RAF pilots who Jack especially has a unique bond with. For amongst them is the real Captain Jack Harkness, all gleaming teeth and American bravado in familiar place; but this one is fated to die in battle the following day. Leaving his name free to be adopted by a certain time-travelling rogue from the 51^st Century...

Yes, we’ve seen this sort of thing at least a hundred times before with the out of time interloper who holds forbidden knowledge of what is going to happen. And like I say there’s very little in this episode which is either new or innovative. But there’s a heart to Captain Jack Harkness - and it’s a heart which we simply haven’t seen enough of in Torchwood - that makes you forgive all the clichés and derivations. Leaving a memorable piece of television in its place.

And what the episode achieves most of all is the almost single-handed redemption of Captain Jack himself. With his post-resurrection angst having left a bitter taste in the mouths of his Who groupies, there were those that felt that the biggest failure of Torchwood was in reducing arguably the surprise success of 2005's revival to the status of callous, cold-hearted killer. Well, regret no more. Given a setting that evokes fond memories of the good Captain’s Blitz-set debut, it’s reassuring to realise once again just how right Jack feels in this time. And his own nostalgic joy at being stranded once more in lufftwaffe-torn Britain is perhaps the most heart-warming moment in the episode. For Jack, these days may have been filled with death and unrequited love; but they were also the only time that this most out-of-time of men felt at peace.

Yes, it’s yet another dip into same-sex activities for a show that has seen more Daily Mail-baiting liaisons than a whole career of Dennis Potter plays. But for once it’s done with all the awkwardness, compassion and honesty of a real-life forbidden friendship

So while Owen and Ianto audition for some bizarre kind of sitcom spin-off, in which they shout at each other and wave guns about, it’s left to Tosh to try to find a way out of the situation; leaving clues for her friends back - or rather, forward - in the 21^st Century to find. Though why she thinks that her own blood will fade slower than any other writing substance is anyone’s guess. There’s also some nice character development for her - finally - with mentions of her Grandfather’s birthday and her touching farewell to family she may never see again fitting nicely alongside some well-observed observations about her Japanese status at a time just before Pearl Harbour. And Naoko Mori’s a knockout in her period dress too.

But before you start noticing the thinly-veiled steals from the likes of The Shining - the creepy, Kenneth Williams look-alike Bilis Manger filling in as the ‘Caretaker’ of this particular ghost show - or the ‘Triangle’ episode of The X Files in which Mulder and Scully pass through the same place in different time zones, all is saved by the rather surprisingly tender (at least for Torchwood) love affair between Captain Jack Harkness and the man who steals more than just his heart. Yes, it’s yet another dip into same-sex activities for a show that has seen more Daily Mail-baiting liaisons than a whole career of Dennis Potter plays. But for once it’s done with all the awkwardness, compassion and honesty of a real-life forbidden friendship. And so well is it played that it doesn’t immediately dawn on you that the real Jack’s angst stems not just from the inability to kiss his girlfriend a final goodbye.

what should be a genuinely shocking moment of same-sex liberation feels like just one more trip to the titillation well

Homosexuality in war-torn Britain? Two butch men who only have eyes for each other across a crowded dance floor? You can’t really imagine the outrage that this sort of thing must have caused back in the day, but it’s still uncomfortable viewing even in our enlightened, anything-goes culture. It’s just a shame that after all the boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/weevil histrionics we’ve already seen in this show, what should be a genuinely shocking moment of same-sex liberation feels like just one more trip to the titillation well; sad and poignant though it is.

So with the finale upon us, more questions are raised than you can shake a perigosto stick at. Who are the ‘creatures’ that Jack said had ended his time in 1941? Who is the mysterious Caretaker who seems intent on disrupting time to his own ends? And has Owen started turning into a weevil, or did he always look so odd?

And why the bleeding hell did Ianto only go for the shoulder?!?

('The Torchwood Book of Made-Up Facts' has this to say about Captain Jack Harkness: ‘opening the rift’ is actually Torchwood slang for something rather filthy involving Owen and a cage-full of gerbils…)

Jack f**king Harkness

If you're waiting for the BBC Two repeat don't read this review.  I wouldn't want to spoil it for you because it's a treat really.  Everyone on Outpost Gallifrey is giving it five stars.  Now for the rest of us ...

What - the fuck - was that?

It's perhaps fitting that the final episode of Torchwood, after what has, at best, been a variable season should be utter bollocks.  But when the announcer beforehand suggested that there may be strong language, I really hadn't expected it to be from my own lips as I resorted to a mixture of swearing at the sheer awfulness masquerading as quality drama  and laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself. After blast of comedy that was The Runaway Bride, the intricate beauty of radio Who yesterday and the joy of The Sarah Jane Adventures earlier, I might have known Torchwood would ruin this Whovian marathon like a pissed streaker knocking over Paula Radcliffe just inches away from the finishing line and a world record. 

But actually, no, I should really save my enmity for the End of Days until I've dealt with Captain Jack Harkness, the first episode tonight, not the man.  Because, and I'm sure this'll be a total surprise considering the opening paragraph to this review.  I really quite liked it.  And not just because Ianto finally got around to shooting Owen.  In keeping with most of the season, of course some elements were entirely derivative, this time of anything from Back To The Future to the underrated Frequency, with a character lost in the past leaving clues to some future friend to help them escape and the well worn conceit of not being able to tell someone about their fateful future.

Where it really scored was as a character piece which developed some of the mystery of Captain Jack which has been brewing since the first series of Doctor Who.

Where it really scored was as a character piece which developed some of the mystery of Captain Jack which has been brewing since the first series of Doctor Who.  For the first time in ages he seemed to be somewhat close to his old self, compassionate without being deadly really wanting, with a Sam Beckett Quantum Leap vibe to give the man whose identity he would 'borrow' the best final night he could, and with, for once, lots of romance.  Well alright it was a bit of a coincidence that he should meet his name sake in Cardiff on that night of all nights, but sometimes this kind of serendipity can work well in drama and it did here.  The sudden reappearance of what looked like the basement from New Earth jarred, but the recreation of the rest of the period setting was lovely and the introduction of wartime animosity towards Tosh was surprisingly realistic.

Pleasingly, however, the contemporary scenes ran in parallel and the whole benefited from having a definable goal to work towards, the find of the equation, the opening of the rift.  Considering that this was a Doctor Who spin-off tackling time travel at least it was doing something else with it, really showing the consequences of potentially being lost in time.  Pity Owen though, that, even when he's doing something for best of intentions he still came across as a twat and when the bullet pierced his shoulder it really was a shame that it wasn't his head (for reasons that'll become clear below).  I genuinely thought they were going to kill him off, so the only real disappointment of the episode was that he lived to snarl another day.  My only real question is -- what was the missing dongle from the Rift Machine doing in a grandfather clock in some random dance hall? 

Barrowman probably gave his best performance of the season and he was aided by a feisty turn from Naoko Mori revealing once more what a wasted opportunity the persistent focus on Gwen all season has been.  It's just a shame that the apparent loyalty between whatever his name is and Tosh wasn't carried over to the next episode - but this is the upbeat part of review so I'm really not going there yet.  Matt Rippey as the real Jack was excellent too, very touching as a man divided and for once a guest cast member who worked within the ensemble rather than overshadowing them (which is actually a good thing).  Murray Melvin as the time hopping Bilis, who I'm sure will eventually be revealed to be Gary from Goodnight Sweetheart at pension age, was particularly creepy in his scenes and if I'd had a week between episodes I really think I would have been looking forward to seeing what they did with him.  Thank god for that.

Matt Rippey as the real Jack was excellent too, very touching as a man divided and for once a guest cast member who worked within the ensemble rather than overshadowing them (which is actually a good thing).

It's a pity then that it was all for naught as, after a quick flash of the logo, the series once again plunged headlong into a vat of manure.  The trailer for End of Days was quite promising with all the visitations from the past and Sarah Hughes in The Observer built my hopes up further by suggesting that 'this excellent finale shows' that the programme 'has potential'.  Sarah, given that you also say that the scripts needed tightening up how can you justify this episodic mess as being 'excellent'.  Were we watching the same programme? 

Y'know the one were they didn't seem to have a clue how to finish the season so decided to pull a hitherto unheralded fifty-foot demon out of the ground and have it stomp all over Cardiff, which looked half amazing but made NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER?  At least when Buffy revealed the First Evil it ran with it for a whole season and didn't just trot it out in the closing twenty minutes.  We've seen surprise aliens before, but this appeared without any logical foreshadowing.   

It's a shame because the episode began quite well with the cameo from Carrie Gracie from News 24 and the indications of all the timeslips across the world (the sudden appearance of The Beatles on the roof of Abby Road studio is a good thing).  This created the potential for an epic battle with time, a season long story of attempting to send everyone back where it came from Invasion of the Dinosaurs style.  But then Torchwood, the series and the organization, did what it always does, sits around in the hub having an argument and then interacted with the big epic happening by meeting a Roman Centurion in a police cell and a couple of extras in a hospital.  Not even the sudden appearance of PC Andy, the man who is a regular in the good version of the series in my head, with his lovely acting could save the tedium.  While the idea was probably to make the big, small, how boring is that?

But then Torchwood, the series and the organization, did what it always does, sits around in the hub having an argument and then interacted with the big epic happening by meeting a Roman Centurion in a police cell and a couple of extras in a hospital.

The episode was, well episodic, so once all the stuff that was happening across the globe had been established and they'd made the ooh two visits to see what was happening in Cardiff (hardly the montage sequence in Ghostbusters is it?  And we know they've seen Ghostbusters) everything finally came home to roost after yet another argument in the hub and Owen finally being kicked out (well until he sneaked back in later).  This was spoilt by taking about half an hour as Owen knocked on for no readily apparent reason about retcon again.  Get out of there.  No one cares and this has zero to do with what is to come.  This was another example of Torchwood dropping in useless exposition that would not be paid off later when it should have been consolidating the overall story of the coming apocalypse.

Meanwhile, the sudden appearance of Lisa to Ianto in the trailer was revealed to be - nothing more than a vision cooked up Buffy First Evil style by whatever lies beneath to try and get them to open the rift.  Again.  And for the lucky people who might have skipped every other episode there was the usual nano-flashback to explain who she is, although I wonder how many people would actually recognize her without the metal bondage gear and high heals.  Same thing happened for Owen and although it was, nice, seeing these old faces again I don't think their presence was really explained or how whatever it was had read their mind.

The not unexpected visit to the caretaker's shop was marred by being apparently minutes after Owen had been kicked out of the hub and a repeat of the characterization incongruity that occurred in Countrycide after Owen and tried to dry hump Gwen up against a tree.  After telling Jack what to go do with himself after kicking out her fuckbuddy, who let's be clear on this, has potentially brought about the end of the world, Gwen's in the shop cracking jokes again and joshing with whatever his real name is.  What is it with this characterization?  Shouldn't she still be a little bit pissed off?

The not unexpected visit to the caretaker's shop was marred by being apparently minutes after Owen had been kicked out of the hub and a repeat of the characterization incongruity that occurred in Countrycide after Owen and tried to dry hump Gwen up against a tree.

As usual, there was no urgency to the scene and at no point have we being reminded of the stakes.  Bilis is back, still creepy, still possibly a really interesting character.  Is he a timelord?  Probably not, but his sudden CGless disappearance into time was fairly interesting even if the scene lacked momentum.  It's at this point then that the episode went totally off the rails as though all sense had left the writing and directing process and the story was being put together by a group of chimps playing a Torchwood Roleplaying Game. 

Well alright I can see now what they were doing.  Bilis gives Gwen vision of the future and the death of Reece.  Gwen takes Reece to Torchwood.  Bilis breaks into Torchwood and kills Reece.  Cue tragic music and much emoting from poor Eve Myles, who was acting her heart out for nothing.  Inevitably, this being Torchwood I assumed that they really had killed her boyfriend, it being entirely likely that he'd been pottering about in seven odd episodes, shouting now and then, so I was pretty incensed.  That fact that now I'm only realising that he was murdered by Bilis to turn Gwen to the point of wanting to open the rift either means I'm very slow or it simply wasn't made very clear in the episode.  Probably the former.

You see you really have to wonder what goes on in the tone meetings when Owen just wonders back into the hub, the gang standing over the corpse of Reece and Tosh grins like she's just won the lottery, whilst and let's make this again quite clear, the world is ending and it's his fault.  At least this led into the best part of the episode when John Doe launched into a list of everything the team has done wrong all series and pays off everything I've been saying.  It wasn't quite the meta-joke I was expecting but at least it showed that he was aware of the mistakes the other characters had made, bravely underlining the fact that this is the series that has no likeable characters whatsoever.  It's a misfortune then that, well alright let's call him Jack for now, received the gun shot to the head as this bunch of jerks showed the loyalty we've loved to see from them all these episodes.

You see you really have to wonder what goes on in the tone meetings when Owen just wonders back into the hub, the gang standing over the corpse of Reece and Tosh grins like she's just won the lottery, whilst and let's make this again quite clear, the world is ending and it's his fault.

Now I have to admit to the next section of the episode being something of a blur.  I remember cheering when the hub was blown up Liberator style, seeing them run for their lives, suddenly deciding that Jack is still their leader when they need him, dragging his body outside.  And Bilis talking in tongues and bringing out the re-rendering of the beast from The Satan Pit, something else buried in the Earth that is being unearthed this festive season.   He was the Son of the Beast apparently.  Of all the mother series monsters to make an appearance I hadn't expected that.  Disappointingly no attempt was made to suggest that all of the characters wierd behaviour in the previous twelve episodes was a result of his influence, just this one, and after that I was laughing at it too much to remember much else apart from seeing John Barrowman, so great on Loose Women and Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the man who could have been Will with Grace, having to sit in some gravel being oppressed by a giant shadow.  Is Jack dead?  Is this going to be the cliffhanger?

Err no.  Two reasons.  Firstly we know Jack's back in Doctor Who Season Three in, Utopia, an episode written by Steven Moffat.  Secondly, because there are ten minutes of the episode remaining.  Of Gwen sitting around at his bedside waiting for him to rejuvenate.  You mean there wasn't another ten minutes of cool time tripping goodness at the opening of the story because of this?  This scene might have worked if we still thought about any of these characters sympathetically but, and this is the reason I've been so detailed in my description of their actions, they've been so random in their behviour for the whole episode, let alone series that we just don't care. 

I spent half of it wondering how killing the beast meant that time became a do-over, fixing the hib and everything else.  It was like watching the final episode of that season of Dallas in which Pam woke up and Bobby stepped out of the shower, the bomb explosion in an office that took out both JR and Sue Ellen simply part of a wacky dream reseting everything that had gone before much like the re imagining of the timeline that went on here s0 that everybody lives.  The other half was taken up with a wait for the inevitable, a final blast of lethargy in a series that has been filled with it.  Seeing Jack stand and forgive his teammates was nice, but you just know that they're not going to be any different next series ...

Then in the final moments, Jack's whisked away by the sound of the Tardis.  It says a lot that this sound can still be quite stirring and that you can imagine that the Doctor and Martha are already on board, enjoying their adventures.  Perhaps we'll eventually find out why they decided to select that moment to pick up Jack and not when Cardiff was being menaced by a giant beastie and the Earth was being destroyed by giant cracks in time.  Perhaps there will be an episode of that series that will explain all of the plotholes in this episode but I doubt it.  But it says a lot about Torchwood that it didn't end with its own internal cliffhanger and one that will instead be explained in a mother series entirely.  If only I'd watched the film End of Days.  At least that has the unlikely sight of Miriam Margolese in a fist fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If only I'd watched the film End of Days.  At least that has the unlikely sight of Miriam Margolese in a fist fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I appreciate this has all been very harsh and sarcastic and fueled by too much caffeine and I'll probably regret some of it in the morning, particularly the bit about the chimps but Torchwood has largely been a massive disappointment and it simply makes no sense to me that the same production team behind Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures can turn out something this crude and apparently be very pleased with it.  As this review/rant has demonstrated I have a tendency to over analyze everything which could be why I tend to focus on narrative flaws at the expense of what is often quite fluid direction, remarkable lighting design, editing and music.  If anything Captain Jack Harkness pointed to there still being potential in the series, but End of Days was no way to do anything.  And I do wish I could be one of the people on Outpost Gallifrey giving it five stars, but I'm not, I'm the grinch and that's that.  Perhaps on the level of a television comic book it works.  I just expect a bit more from something calling itself adult drama.

I'm going to bed.