Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

When I Say Run...

Where was I? Oh yes, The Tomb of the Cybermen. And it was all going so well until they turned up.

The Tomb of the Cybermen Episodes 3 & 4

Episode 3 reveals the Cybermen's masterplan in all its, er, glory. Given the fact that successfully gaining entrance to the tomb is so unbelievably difficult that only a Time Lord could possibly manage it implies that the Cybermen are either very, very picky or very, very stupid. I'm leaning towards the later given that the silver goons are their usual shambolic selves here, a fact that is punctuated whenever they are forced to partake in a fight scene. I mean, what is the deal with the 'Punch and Judy duck-hunter' impressions? And I am the only one who can't help thinking about Bagpuss when they return to their tombs? And when the Cybercontroller (quite literally a 'dickhead') is attacked by To-ber-man he loses his nerve to such an extent he actually vacates his suit and makes a run for it! Pathetic!

But it's not all bad news. There's a moving and enigmatic scene where the Doctor makes some veiled reference to his "family", and this immediately guarantees the story "classic" status for all eternity. Or at least that's what I was told to think at the time.

But to be fair, having endured a couple of stories where the actor playing the lead role is the weakest link in the chain it's refreshing to finally witness such a radical reversal. Troughton is simply magnificent. It's a shame that most of his stuff is missing, because even during the really ropey stuff (of which there's plenty) he still manages to shine. Playful, sarcastic, intelligent, and occasionally belligerent, Troughton exudes a powerful presence that never feels forced or over the top. It's a captivating performance, albeit from a man surrounded by one of the worst am-dram companies ever assembled.

Hell, if Ben Affleck appeared in a play with the kids from my local school he'd probably be pretty damn impressive in comparison too. Probably.

The scene where the Doctor checks the level of Eric's instability is worth the price of admittance alone and only Tom Baker comes anywhere close in the heroically unhinged stakes.

Episode 4 also manages to make amends when almost everyone you've grown to despise over the last 90 minutes gets killed in a variety of nasty (and occasionally incomprehensible) ways. Best of the bunch has to be the Cyberman who runs on super-heated marshmallow but Eric getting clubbed to death off-screen always manages to raise a smile.

But Hopper survives. And you've got to knock marks off for that.

The Doctor eventually ensures the safety of the universe by making sure that if any mentally unstable archaeologists happen to stumble across the tombs in the near future they'll all be instantly killed. Which is nice.

So, is Tomb the classic we were all led to believe? Well, yes and no. I suppose it all depends on what you're comparing it too. Looking at it in the context of the surviving Troughton stories, and sixties 'Who' in general, it's 'Citizen Kane'. Within the wider history of the programme it's probably on a par with 'Ace Ventura: Pet Detective'.

And if they'd never have unearthed it in Hong Kong in the first place it would have been even better. I'm practically certain of it.

Next: Jon 'bloody' Pertwee, so help me god. Who chose this ridiculous running order?

"Well now I know you're mad. I just wanted to make certain."

Well, I certainly like Patrick Troughton more then William Hartnell.

Anyway, this is, apparently, one of Patrick's best serials, and while I'm in no position to comment on that (this being the first of the Second Doctors adventures I've seen), I can easily confirm that this is indeed one of the most watchable of the early Doctor Who serials. Listen up all you new arrivals! It's also, interestingly enough, the first time I've properly watched the Cybermen, excluding the Colin Baker BBCi adventure, and it's interesting to see how they've developed over the years.

So, the Cybermen's Tomb. Some fool-hardy expedition wants to open it up and have a look inside. Well, that's a death sentance right there, isn't it? But they do it anyway (with a death in the process - Body Count: 1) and while exploring (with yet another death - Body Count: 2 - as they do) some of the team betray them and they revive the Cybermen, thinking to barter with them. This never would have happened on the Enterprise! Some minor quibbles, one of the team partially Cybernised (Body Count: 2 1/2) and a good old fashioned chase later, and the betrayers are both dead (Body Count: 4 1/2), leaving the half-Cyberman to save the day with his sacrifice (And that's 5). Hardly the bloodiest of epics, but then again that's half the total party, so a 50% death toll. What would the First Doctor say?

This was a very enjoyable romp, and the only problems are all easily discounted. But here they are anyway!
- When the Cyberman picks up Toberman, he's clearly on a wire.
- Toberman repays the favour by throwing a dummy Cyberman around.
- Victoria is a surprisingly good shot with a pistol, given she's never used one before. 
- The placement of the Revitaliser is somewhat suspect, and why on Telos does the Doctor activate it while the Cyber-Controller is actually in there?
- Or, for that matter, why lock the betrayers in where there are clearly weapons?
- And finally, why are there three pieces of wood lying around on the planet's surface?

But again, none of it detracts from the epic. This is a very enjoyable little romp, and if you can stomach the fact that it's in Black & White, then you'll probably have a good ol' time watching it. Despite the 50% death rate.

Next week : The Claws of Axos! In colour  and everything!

Building A Better World...

The Tomb Of The Cybermen : Episode Four

So, it turns out Klieg didn't blow the Doctor's face off - he just wounded crewman Jim in the shoulder. Maybe he took a dislike to his crap American accent? Who knows what was going through his addled brain. It's obvious that Kaftan is the real one to watch. Klieg is nuts enough to STILL try to bargain with the Cybermen, but it's no good. Toberman has been partially Cyber-ised and is under mental coercion.

Their imperious leader orders the other Cybermen to go back into their plastic bed-sits and conserve energy while he goes up top to parlay. Why? Does he think they will start having fun without him or something? It does, however, give the director another chance to use that impressive tomb shot in reverse.

Klieg ruthlessly threatens the Cyber Controller in exchange for conquest of Earth, but he is on a hiding to nothing. The Controller uses his wavy mind link powers to give Toberman instructions, which he obeys by..moving like a robot basically (No change there then). It's another new ability that I just don't remember the Cybermen ever having, before or since. It's oh so convenient, plot wise, though.

Looks like the boss man just needs some R&R before continuing his plan of galactic conquest. Everyone except Vic is forced into the revitalisation chamber. The Cyber Controller is definitely suffering now, as he sounds like a Speak-and-Spell machine with crap batteries. The Doctor helps his majesty up into the sarcophagus-like indent, and he chants his Gloria Gaynor mantra as he begins to be re-powered.

In the main control room, Victoria succeeds in tricking K & K into thinking that there is another gun in with the prisoners. She's a feisty little thing. They are under so much emotional pressure by now, that they start to believe her. Actually, Klieg is so off his head you could tell him that there was a complete copy of "Evil Of The Daleks" just down the corridor and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. Meanwhile the Cyber Controller has got a modesty screen down over him which the Doctor and Co have wrapped some pretty flimsy looking ropes around. Needless to say, with a large puff of smoke, the Controller breaks through his paper and cardboard shower curtain, and now back to full power, gives Toberman his final instructions.

Evil Eric is too busy showing off to notice the murderous Toberman until it's too late. With a last gurn out of his huge repertoire, he apparently collapses. I do feel that George Pastell gave what could easily have been a one-dimensional caricature villain a more fully rounded personality with defined motivations, and he should be applauded for this.

As the Cyber Controller struts out in glory, the others are released in his wake. Kaftan learns that "Cybermen do not promise" and is distraught at Klieg's death. Yeah sure she is. The Controller opens the hatch down to the tombs but after the ice queen closes it, he gets fed up with the interfering bitch and kills her with the X-ray laser gun. She has one last awful attempt at an audition for summer season in Skegness before giving up the ghost.

Seeing Toberman's confusion at the death of his former mistress (or is he just miffed coz he didn't get to do the deed?), the Doctor pleads with the plank ,and he comes to his senses - attacking the Cyber Controller. Time for the Controller to be replaced by a truly lousy dummy as Toberman throws him limp-wristedly across the room. It's about as convincing as the Slyther from "Dalek Invasion". Is it dead, Jim?

Sensing a fight in the offing, the other Cyber hooligans relentlessly try to climb out of the hatchway. Jamie picks off a couple but the Doctor decides that he has to go down and finish them off. Appealing to Toberman again, the Doctor persuades him to cease his terrible acting and to go as well, and destroy the evil below. Tellingly, the Doctor refuses the offer of a gun, but unbeknown to him, the not-quite-dead-yet Klieg pulls himself up, grabs it, and sneakily follows the duo.

Stopping Tober's from bashing seven bells out of the console, the Doctor tries to re-freeze the Cybermen, but Klieg intervenes and begins to rant about his "absolute intelligence". Jamie has snuck down too, but he's caught too easily. The Doctor pretends that his "imagination reels with the possibilities" of the rule of Klieg the all-powerful. Captain Hopper returns to say that the rocket is fixed and Victoria gets the chance to take the mickey out of his reluctance to go back down. Payback time.

Klieg is ranting and raving and espousing his megalomaniac vision of a brave new world controlled by logic (and / or novelty magic acts). He is so over the top that he lets down his guard ,and a rogue Cyberman kills him abruptly (and conveniently off camera). Toberman has had enough and rips the murdering monster apart with his bare hands - allowing a nice steaming foam bath effect to pour out of its chest circuits. The Cybermen are refrozen at last. Time for that natty effect once more!

The Doctor re-electrifies the doors so it will deter any future explorers. However, that mean old Cyber Controller is still with it enough to try and barge his way out. "When I say run - run!". Toberman forces the doors closed at the cost of his own life. It's his best moment - which isn't saying much. The tombs are sealed.

Vicky can't resist a last dig at Hopper as they say goodbye and he stomps off in disgust at being beaten by a mere woman. Is it the end? Not while a lone Cybermat is still alive...

Well that was all fantastically enjoyable. Far better than I expected, with some great performances all round and a nice line in sarcastic dialogue. Definitely one to watch again. The script wouldn't look out of place in modern day Doctor Who either.

Can't we watch another Troughton next please?

Hey, knucklehead! Wake up and go to sleep!

The Tomb of the Cyberman - Episode 4

And it's Clive Merrison's accent that gets in the way of Klieg's cliffhanger shot. A terrible shot, an appalling mathematician and probably a crap shag to boot!

Our captured heroes will make excellent experimental specimens. The truth is out! The Cybermen are the intelligence behind those shampoo freaks at Laboratoire Garnier. They're going to try out anti-frizz gel and 2-in-1 hair care products on the unsuspecting humanoids. And poor Toblerone's had the full treatment. They've done his hair, his nails, one arm and inserted a metal spike up his backside.

Bit of sinusoidal communication - just what is all that about. The Cybermen have to talk to each other but they can communicate, unspoken, to augmented humanoids. That's the one thing that always irks me about all these so-called superior species. They've always got to explain themselves, to each other, in great detail, just what the hell's going on.

...And what is going on is that the action's shifted somewhat and so-called Klieg has incarcerated The Three Stooges, that's Moe, Curly and Professor Parry, in another move of incalculable stupidity, with the Cyber Controller. And it's catching too because then The Stooges help the Cyber Controller into the regenerative sarcophagus. And they then think that a revitalized Cyberman would be stopped by some loose fitting ropes that wouldn't even be enough to keep a cucumber restrained. "Ngah-ngah-ngah!"

Having recharged the maniacal metal monster he's now seeking revenge, but first he'll burst forth through the door of the chamber and sing Happy Birthday, just like Marilyn Monroe, to birthday boy Neil. 450 years old again.

Or is it 900?

Or is it 36?

Time is relative, don't you know.

The best bits of this episode are coming up in the form of some beautiful deaths, first Kaftan - thank god. I think it's the reaction of the crowd cowering at the back of the set that sells this scene. As the camera pulls away to reveal a smoking corpse falling to the ground. Less impressive is when Tobermory goes for the Cyber Controller and moves slightly off camera only to come back on with a dummy corpse to heave it over the control panel.

Klieg's turned into an extremist. And his mind has snapped clean in two. During which he works through the full gamut of villainous facial expressions - from smug superiority, through to condersanding arrogance, through to trouser soiling menace.

Second fabulous death - Cyberman's writing body spewing hot white foam from his pulsating chest unit. With Doberman full of anger at the death of Kaftan. His motivation is that it wasn't him who was allowed to kill the bitch.

In the cheesy Hollywood remake I suggested at the start of this story, the Doctor (Hugh Grant) would turn to camera and, with a sly wink, say "I'm putting these suckers back on ice."

The Power Of Cybernetics

The Tomb Of The Cybermen : Episode Three:

When last we left our plucky band of explorers, Klieg had foolishly released the Cybermen from their ice prison. It seems that the cyborgs knew that their freedom was forthcoming, due to predicting the "humanoid mind". Basically, we're a bunch of nosy parkers and can't leave well enough alone! How true. It's all been a fiendish trap.

Upstairs, Victoria has managed to drag Captain Hopper and his colleague away from their engines to try to get them to open the hatch. But, to be honest, they don't take "Vic" at all seriously. In this stereotypical Yankee scenario, Victoria is just an over-reacting "babe" which the Americans see as just a pretty face. Too bad they don't see the less pretty scheming Kaftan wake up.

It turns out the Cybermen froze themselves because the Doctor's previous actions were putting them in danger of extinction. It's a nice piece of continuity linking things all the way back to "The Tenth Planet", but subtle enough not to get in the way of the story. The Cyber Controller responds to Jamie's questions with "We will survive". Have they got Gloria Gaynor frozen in there as well?

The Cybermen's master plan is to create a new set of beings like themselves, using the hapless humans as the first subjects. Klieg's objectives begin to look decidedly dodgy and he and the others make a break for it as the Cyber troops swarm forward. Jamie tries to escape up the ladder but get's blasted for his trouble. Where did the Cybermen get this electric discharge power from? Was that in a previous story? To be honest it's all a bit bizarre with the Cybermen making some kind of wierd buzzing noise as they attack, as if being menaced by silver clad robotic monstrosities wasn't scary enough, now they have to sing at you too.

Toberman gurns like a good 'un as he is manhandled by a Cyber goon - and up he goes - into the air on his oh so obvious wire harness. It's a bit of a shame after the great effects of the last episode. Meanwhile, Kaftan gets hold of the gun and menaces the rocket crew members and Victoria. Hopper does his Captain Kirk routine (strange, it's his mate who is called Jim...) and disables the panto dame. "You scream real good, Vic". Opening the hatch, Hopper decides to investigate and take two bombs with him, loaded with...smoke? Is that the best they've got? He's staying in character though by being a sexist pig, as Victoria is supposedly not woman enough to go down with him.

Klieg's going to be the first to be altered into a Cyberman. I guess he's already halfway there, being a power crazed Logician and all. Prepare the tombs indeed. Those electronic monotone Cyber voices are great - for once they really do sound like they have no emotions. Hopper throws one of his smoke bombs and the Cyber buddies mill about as if they are the last lonely saddoes on a Saturday night out at the roller disco. Cue loads of confused fleeing and Toberman getting a jolt of electricity that looks like it stops about three inches from where his head should be.

There's a kinky shot of a shiny metal Cyber ass as the Doctor is chased up the ladder, then a dramatic scene of the Doc being grabbed from behind as it tries to keep the hatch open. It's only spoiled by the loud "Oww" from the Cyberman actor as Vicky hits him with a canister. So much for invunerability.

Lilly-livered Klieg hides from the pursuing Cybermen, only to find that - ha ha - he's trapped. He has a lucky escape though when the others decide to re-open the hatch just long enough to let the slimeball out. Jamie is waiting to bash his head in with a stool if his shiny bonce turns out to be metal instead of flesh. The looney one and Kaftan are quickly locked away in the target room, but they are still totally deluded as they try and get the Cyber gun free. Down below, the Cybermen are getting ready to unleash the full size Cybermats - once they have blown the dust of ages off of them of course. Releasing the X-Ray laser, Klieg begins to lose his grip on reality, and Kaftan has to keep him moving. God, I'm not sure what's worse - Klieg's villainy or Kaftan appalling rolling eyes.

While everyone's sleeping is the point where we have THE best scene in the whole episode. Victoria thinks the Doc needs his beauty sleep, talks about the sad memories of missing her father, and the Doctor muses on his thoughts about his family. It's a enormously touching scene - as good as the best lines from Chris E's Doctor, including Pat T concluding that " There is nobody in the universe can do what we are doing". Truly excellent acting all round. Not to mention a big close up on Victoria's lovely eyes.

Then it's time for Cybermat's a-go-go as those pesky metal trilobytes make a menacing attempt to eat everyone's shoes with their cloth teeth. Jim gets one with his gun, but the Doctor disposes of the rest giving them a "metal breakdown" with a length of smoking rubber tubing that loooks like a very dodgy hotdog.

The cliffhanger is nigh as Klieg and Kaftan escape from their prison (How on earth did they do that?) and the madman proceeds to shoot the Doctor ,seemingly at point blank range. Surely it can't get any more exciting than this?

Next: The grand finale. I can't wait.

Tomb Lost Again!

What do you do when you accidentally leave your Tomb DVD at work and you a) can't watch episode three and b) take any screen-grabs?

As far as I can tell, I have three options:

1) I could just pretend that I've seen it (that wire work is mightily atrocious!) and steal Q's images (blaming it on some weird synchronous coincidence)

2) I could fill up some space telling you why I hate the Cybermen so much

3) I could just say "bollocks to it!" and have that lie-down I've been promising myself after yet another punishing University Open Day?

Hmmmmm......

God, I hate the f**king Cybermen. To quote the fourth Doctor: "Pathetic tin soldiers".

Maybe hate is too strong a word. I think pity is probably more apt. I just can't take them seriously. Great on paper, shit on grass. They talk a good game but they can't tie the laces on their moon-boots.

My antipathy towards them can be summarised with three indisputable facts:

1) They look shit. Sometimes they look so unbelievably shit Trinny and Susannah wouldn't touch them with a barge-pole. Which is their worst look? Head-lamp, balaclava and kitchen utensil combo, wet-suit and moon-boots, or bacofoil immersion suits (yeah, whatever!)? Sure, they've evolved through the years - from appallingly shabby through to silly and then back to just plain old crap again. "You shall be like us?" Not if I have to dress like that, mate...

2) They suck - on toast. Where do you start? Gold! Yeah, cos it's a bit like Werewolves and that's scary. If you ever find one on the loo in Tooting Bec just grab your iPod and stick some Spandau Ballet on! Gold! You're indestructible! Not.  And it doesn't even have to be pure gold; any old plating will do. Hell, even Elizabeth Duke could take them on and win. Oh, and their plans are always really stupid. And slow. "Oh look, one of my colleagues just got killed by standing on that chess board. I wonder what will happen if I stand on it too?". They kill people standing with their hands on their hips or by giving really intense neck massages, and any race that loses their home planet is, by definition, a bunch of LOSERS.

3) They sound ridiculous. Again, which is worse: the hilarious ultra-camp Zippy voice which heralded their arrival? Or maybe the warbling Hawking of Tomb? Nah, it's got to be David Banks' booming 'Excellent!' all the bloody time - how to destroy credibility and established continuity in one fell swoop. Probably the worst catchphrase in the history of TV (although "chase me" comes a very close second).

Daleks V Cybermen? It'd be the equivalent of some bizarre FA Cup draw, like Chelsea V Rusden and Diamonds.

I dunno, maybe RTD will get them right this time. God knows, they deserve a break.

Finally, because I won't be able to live with myself if I don't, I will post a joint review of episodes three and four tomorrow. It will take my mind off hitting the ripe old age of 36. Oh, did I accidentally just mention it was my birthday tomorrow? Tsk! What am I like!

Cybermum's Gone to Iceland

Where have all the Cyberwomen gone? Imagine how fearsome a female Cyber dude might look. Just think Margaret Thatcher, but slightly more feminine. They could fire shafts of hot lead from their nipples. I for one would gladly pay to have The Cheeky Girls cyber-converted. And then placed in a scrap yard's crusher machine.

The Tomb of the Cybermen - Episode 3

Everyone knows where they were when famous things happened. Like when Charles Kennedy was shot, when Prince Charles landed on Camilla Parker Bowles for the first time or when The Tomb of the Cybermen was returned to the BBC. I know what I was doing, I was waiting for the creation of the world wide web so I could break away from the lonely, parochial world of back-street fanzines and graduate into a very small fish in a very large pool.

I suppose things had to go downhill eventually. And here it comes. Every time Clive Merrison opens his mouth and that put-on accent trips it's way over his tonsils I think he's about to break into a song (probably from an off-Broadway play - in fact so off-Broadway it was actually in Doncaster).

And things have deteriorated to the extend that we've got into some slapstick with the Cybermen confused by a bit of smoke (God help them if they tried to invade Earth before we have some serious anti-smoking legislation in place). Followed by some fisticuffs and random scuffles. What a Cyber-kerfuffle. The scene where Toberman's being throttled by one of the silver giants is totally ruined by wires even more obvious than those hoisting the Dalek saucer aloft in the second Cushing outing.

When the Cyberman's trying to hang onto the Doctor and is then attacked you can hear him say "Owwww" as Victoria smashes him about the arm. He's also got a massive rip in the costume under his left arm when descends the ladder.

For a logicitian Eric Klieg's stupid. Just plain stupid. And ugly too boot. Comes out with some of the most irritating, self-absorbed guff this side of a Rebecca Loos autobiography. The man is hateful, in 17 dimensions. As appealing as a bucket of snake vomit and twice as thick.

Did I mention he was stupid?

With a name like Eric I wonder whether he was bullied as a child. If there's any justice in the world he should have been.

The Cybermats on the other hand - so cute and cuddly and darling. All together now, 'ahhhhhhhh'. The have chops made entirely of Fuzzy Felt and are completely baffled by the Doctor employing 16 feet of smoking sausage in front of them. I like how the Cybermen obviously have a brand image going here. Everything they've got is cyber-this and cyber-that. Constantly reinforcing the message. It's just like McDonalds.

Oh... and the last time I saw Michael Kilgarriff he was sitting in the bar of the Swallow hotel in Stockton, with the Brig, sipping beer. Sweet, sweet beer.

"You Shall Be Like Us"

  The Tomb Of The Cybermen : Episode Two

With a dead Haydon slumped at his feet, Viner uses the opening seconds of this episode to go into full panic mode. All he needs to do is run around in circles flingling his arms in the air like a mad man and screaming "We're doomed, doomed!" in a Scots accent for his Dad's Army audition to be complete.

The Doctor is more logical and points out that our Cyber pal couldn't have made the deadly shot as Haydon was blasted in the back. Viner is too off his head to listen but the Doctor get Jamie to repeat his actions in the hope of revealing the real weapon. There is a lovely little bit of comedy here, where the Doc tells everyone that it could be risky and to leave if they want to - at which point Jamie tries to slip out of the door, the wee scamp, only to be quickly caught out.

The mock Cyberman duly gets decapitated in a shower of sparks and the offending gun fails to slide back into the wall. Victoria picks up the Cybermat and the Doctor quickly consults his 500 year diary to confirm what he thinks it is. I love the diary's use as a plot device to impart information quickly to the viewer. Go on girl, stick the bug in your bag for later...

Back in the central chamber, Klieg and Kaftan are hatching nefarious plots like good little villians when the others walk in and Doctor Zarkoff look-a-like Parry annouces he is abandoning the expedition. Klieg gets on his high horse and tries to argue but is shouted down by the bearded leader, who really is turning into a bit of an dictator. You can just see the hate in Klieg's eyes - it's that good. Fake Yank Captain Hopper steps in to tell the group that "Some character has balled up the lot" - meaning the fuel pumps. I've never heard quite that phrase used before. Cue a zoom-in shot to the Cyber-sigil above the door, a shot which just goes on and on and on. Someone yell "cut", please!

Later in the evening, Viner is back in looney mode and desperately insists he has to get off the planet before the boogeymen get him. Hopper has some cracking retorts back, which he delivers with deadpan sarcasm, despite the dodgy accent... "And there's no room for all of you on board - especially with you insisting all over the place". There really is some fine acting here. The Doctor agrees to stay too, and it's obvious he has his suspicions, because he practically accuses Toberman of using his "strong hands" to sabotage the rocket ship.

Klieg spouts some technobabble about Boolean logic and annouces he can open the hatch to the caverns below. His first attempt is useless, but when he tries again, he fails to see the Doctor press a couple of extra buttons on the control panel. Once again, Patrick T's Doctor is a master manipulator - getting where he wants to be, while other's think he is a bumbling jester. The Doc also cleverly gets Victoria to stay and keep an eye on the shifty Kaftan while everyone else decends into the depths.

It's at this point that the actress playing Kaftan decides  - for no apparent reason - that it's time to camp it up, and starts playing her role as some demented panto villian - rolling her eyes, staggering around, etc. It's an appalling display of over-acting by Shirley Cooklin and totally spoils the tension between the two women. You just can't take her seriously. Nevertheless, despite being so crap, she manages to drug poor Victoria's coffee.

Down in the caverns, the explorers come across the titular Tombs themselves. It's a fantastically impressive set, especially for the times. When the bwah-ha-ha-ing Kaftan locks them in, Viner goes doo-lally again, screaming that they are trapped. Don't you just want to slap him? The Doctor suspects that Klieg of course has planned it all and a bit of misdirection about opening the hatch from the inside allows him to start defrosting the Cybermen. It's a wonderful defrost effect, as the cyborgs start to move in their cubicles, like embryos waiting to be born. It's also the first instance of fluffed lines, as the Doctor almost says "symbolic loftic" before correcting himself. But why does Klieg want to wake the metal monsters?

Viner reverse the process as he panics, but Krieg stays true to his villainous character and shoots the whinging archaeologist, with obvious relish. Back in the chamber above - Vicky, is that bulge a vibrator going off in your bag? No its the resurrected Cybermat, which wakes up just as Victoria does. Kaftan pulls a gun on her to stop her re-opening the hatch, and doesn't notice the silver rat scuttle across the floor.

Below with the increasingly maniacal Krieg, he reveals his master plan for using the Cybermen as an army for his Brotherhood of Magicians... I mean Logicians. Looks like I wasn't the only one who misheard this - and I was so looking forward to seeing vast congregations of evil henchmen dressed like the Great Suprendo or Ali Bongo. It's all very Nietchzean. Interestingly, old Freidrich once said "...at night, the ice-weasels come". I wonder if he meant the Cybermen?

Restarting the defrost process, we have more iconic shots of the three fingered Cybermen ripping their way out of the protective membranes and lumbering into the cavern towards their resurrector. Though once again we have the strangely unmoving music which is at odds with the high production values on screen.

The live Cybermat attacks the unsuspecting Kaftan with a swift chomp at her neck, but Victoria is a damn fine shot and disables it. Any rescue attempt is all too late as the Cybermen unlease their leader from his first class compartment (nicer pillows and no nasty plastic to fight through?).

He's obviously the clever one of the bunch with his big dome and throbbing veins and they all give him a swift Cyber salute. Klieg still is under the illusion that he is in control, but that is soon crushed (along with his hand) when the Leader intones "You belong to us". Bet he's crapping himself now.

And then it's over? Twenty five minutes of excellent TV has passed in a flash and twenty four hours is too long to wait for episode three...

Next time: Will Krieg learn the error of his ways? Will Kaftan become Widow Twanky? Can it get any better than this?

Cybermen sealed in Clingfilm

On to PART TWO, and we begin to see why this story cemented itself in the minds of four year old Who fans as a classic. It is, of course, all down to the scene of hung over Cybermen stumbling from their icy catacombs while the Radiophonic Workshop go on a complete bender. A rousing rendition of the Cybermen theme which adds a layer of eerie horror to images of Extras popping through Clingfilm at the point of least resistance. It’s so good in fact, that you can almost forgive the bit at the end when the Cybermen rouse their leader off the toilet…

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Where were we? Ah yes. Alas, poor redshirt. We knew him for about three and a half minutes. What was his name again? I guess that's what happens when you go wandering around a Cyberman shooting gallery. Nailed in the back before you've even had a go at winning a cuddly toy. The Doctor recreates the accident, presumably in a failed attempt to kill off the rest of the archaeologists so he can have this adventure to himself.

Victoria meanwhile has found her own cuddly toy. A metallic fossil (eh?), which the Doctor identifies as a Cybermat (after checking the Dummies Guide to Cyberman Tomb Raiding). Victoria, bless her, decides to adopt it. She's going to get killed off soon, right? Please? This woman puts the ass in Assistant, and not in a good way.

With the death of two beloved characters that no-one in the audience can remember or name, Professor Parry is ready to throw in the towel. However, the expedition’s rocket ship has been sabotaged and the team are forced to spend the night in the tomb (duh duh duuuuh! What's that you say? Everyone back to the TARDIS? No? OK then). Fortunately, we are now just two BSc Mathematics lectures away from getting that damned tomb open. Kleig throws some more switches and shouts equations at the audience like a Vulcan on crack (am I supposed to be taking this down? Will there be a test at the end?), and BANG, the tombs swings open complete with appropriate mood lighting.

The women are told to remain above. Don't bother commenting on the outrageous sexism, let's be honest here. Kaftan as a scheming bitch and Victoria was less dangerous when she was locked in that cupboard. I'm forced to agree with the chauvinist pigs.

And then, it's into the tomb for the shocking revelation that Kleig is a bit of a baddie. The Brotherhood of Logicians plan to wake the Cybermen and use their power to... er... well, do something evil. Maybe force everyone in the universe to perform simultaneous quadratic equations? We're not privy to the finer details, as Kleigs plan quickly goes to shit and the Cyberleader has his own ideas. It's amazing the chilling effect you can have just by speaking into a Kazoo...

Cybermen. Three Hours In

The Tomb of the Cybermen Episode 2

Ah ha! So it wasn't a Pink Floyd concert after all - it was a firing range! Brilliant! I loved how they checked to see if the poor red (checked) shirt was shot in the back or not, and even though there isn't a mark on him it's enough to convince them that the Doctor's deduction was correct. That's just wilfully inept, surely?

It really is an episode of Lost! The endless bickering, the wilful sabotage, the bald loony - and just look at that hatch! It takes them almost as long to open it too. Still, at least the pay-off is worth it, which is more than can be said about [spoiler, spoiler, spoiler].

My biggest problem with this episode is the stock music which plays over the scene where the cast are endlessly bickering around the table. You see, it's the very same soundtrack that accompanies one of the worst films ever made - The Horror of Party Beach - and when the Yank pilot is blathering on about the tightness of his skin, all I could think was "Ave! Maria!" (and only one person reading this blog will get that joke, and I apologise in advance for the shameless self-indulgence).

So let's cut to the chase: the reveal of the Tomb and (finally!) the titular tin-men.

I am reliably informed that Peter Davison shat himself when he first saw this scene. In fact, it scarred him so much that whenever he had to appear frightened of a rubber chicken, a pantomime horse or Colin Baker all he had to do was conjure up the memory of this scene and he instantly became terrified again. Tom Baker did a similar thing with his bar tab.

I think it's a combination of the sound effects and the blatant birth imagery that pushes all the right buttons. Even now it's enough to make me wince with fear and disgust. But it's also really, really, really slow. OK, so they're just getting warmed up but that shot of the Cyberman breaking free takes about an hour and a half. if you listen really carefully you can hear Morris Barry whispering off-camera, "In your own time, love". But then again, maybe it's the fact it stays on screen so long is what makes it so horrific?

The cybermats are great too; like face-huggers, only cuter.

The final minute of this episode is probably my favourite in the whole of sixties Doctor Who. No kidding. The chilling moment when the Cybercontroller stares blankly into the camera and warbles "You shall be like us" was worth the trip to Hong Kong alone.

Back of the net. It doesn't get much better than that.

Next: the flashback episode where we discover how Kleig lost of the use of his legs.