Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Foam Party

Better late than never, here is my review of the second half of The Seeds of Death.

The Seeds of Death Episodes 4 to 6

By the time you have got to part 4 you begin to get a basic idea of what the plan of the Ice Warriors actually is and for the most part of the fourth episode that is about as much as you will continue to find out. This episode contains a great deal of running around, apart from the Doctor, who is out cold for the entire episode whilst Patrick Troughton is off on a much-deserved break. The episode is rather tense though as a lot of the scenes are filmed in tight corridors and it was fairly a tense situation with Zoë, Jamie and Phipps all trying to reach the central control of the moon base to turn to the heat up and thus, destroy the Ice Warriors.

Now, whilst this is a pretty obvious solution to the audience who were already aware of who and what the Ice Warriors were, but it would have been a very short story if they crew of the moon base had been aware of this face a couple of episodes early.

Of course being a 1960’s story it takes them at least four episodes before the main threat of the plot becomes apparent, thus leaving with them the final two episodes to finish of the story. Therefore the middle couple of episodes of any 1960’s six-parters are pretty much padding and little else. There was however a rather exciting cliffhanger where the lovely Zoë is almost killed by mirrorlon whilst attempting to turn up the heating on the moon base. Of course is could never be as easy as that and poor Zoë only being short can only just about reach the dial to turn the heat up, just be thank full that she wasn’t a couple of inches shorter then they would have been stuffed.

At the opening of part 5, the Doctor reawakens and we can get on with the little thing of the plot of the story and the main reason for the Ice Warriors plans and what they intend to do etc. This is also the episode where Fewsham grows a backbone and actually does something to help the people back on Earth, only to be killed for his trouble. We sort of got the idea in the previous episode that he was about to do a u-turn and try and do something that would help the people on Earth when he disobeyed a direct order by Slaar and decided not to t-mat the Doctor into space, rather than just end being remembered as a quisling by the Earth crew of T-Mat. It is only a shame for Fewsham that the entire complement of the moon crew of T-Mat were already dead before he grew his backbone.

This episode also has one of the funniest pieces of Doctor Who ever at the end of the fifth episode where Troughton gets covered in foam, I am not sure why that is such as funny scene, as it is not meant to be funny in the slightest. I am sure at the time it would have been quite a scary scene at the time and worked really well as a cliffhanger, but I have never been able to watch the end of episode five with a straight face since the first time I saw the story way back in the late 80’s. This episode is quite pacey in fact and zips along, and it really did seem to happen a lot quicker than the previous four episodes.

Luckily, in the previous episode, the Doctor had managed to discover that water; plain and simple water was enough to get rid of the foam so all that he had to do was to get the weather centre to make it rain. In the end he managed to get there and also managed to overcome the single Ice Warrior who was stationed there. I wonder whose idea it was to just post a single Ice Warrior at the weather centre. Were they that sure that just one of them would be enough to destroy the entire weather centre? I am pretty sure that future Ice Warrior fleets will probably be a bit more cautious than Slaar and send a few more warriors out on these missions.

Part six is where is all happens and the entire plan is foiled by the Doctor. As I said earlier all of this could have been sorted out a lot of sooner and the story could have been a four parter rather than a six parter. Not that I am complaining as any padding in a Troughton episode is just very watchable and does not seem to drag as much as padding did in a Hartnell story and how quite a lot of padding does in a Pertwee adventure.

When you look at Slaar he really isn’t that much cop at his job, I mean he didn’t even notice that his own signal had stopped and just assumed that the single they were hearing was their own signal rather than the one that Miss Kelly had sent to the Ice Warriors. No wonder the Grand Marshall was a bit pissed off with him, well that and being about to be engulfed by the heat of the sun, which would piss off most people, not just cold blooded reptiles.

I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed The Seeds of Death even though it was a thinly veiled rewrite of the The Ice Warriors (not that other writers of the time were not averse to doing this, step forward Mr Terry Nation), but it was a well directed, and acted story and despite taking a while to get going, and having at least two more episodes than was absolutely necessary, it was highly enjoyable piece of television, mainly due to the performance of Patrick Troughton who is quite simply superb as the Doctor.

I just cannot fault Patrick Troughton as the Doctor; he makes even the most banal stories highly enjoyable, apart from The Space Pirates perhaps. Even The War Games seems highly watchable, despite its length, due to the brilliance of Troughton!

"Your leader will be angry if you kill me - I'm a genius"

Why couldn't we have had The Invasion? Why did I have to sit through this somewhat hollow affair? Why have I suddenly started wearing contacts? Why am I asking so many questions? Why can't I stop?

...ah. I still feel that this adventure was somewhat empty, though. A little research into it reveals some of the answers - it was originally a four-parter rewritten into six. But even so, there are still other problems with the story. There's some poor attempts at humour (and I know bad humour - I'm in the middle of a fan edit of The Man With The Golden Gun, which is rife with the stuff), the music is on a par with Murray Gold - so far too loud, then - there's the infamous bubble machine and the Doctor seems unusually killaholic, which in some ways suggest that the writer doesn't know what else to do.

But it wasn't all bad. The basic plot and the performances were both very good indeed, which I'm lead to believe is par for the course at that time. Huzzah. The direction was, for the most part, pretty impressive for late 60's television, and the sets are pretty good as well. The use of some interesting prespective shots and of impressing tension on the viewer lends a lot of professionalism to the story, although this is somewhat tempered by the 'comedic' elements.

Still, there's a good story to it, and (to me) it's a lot more watchable than our previous entry, so I have to say that I fairly enjoyed it. Although I'm beginning to suspect that most of these early episodes are better enjoyed whule drunk. As for the questions... I don't know, you'll have to ask Damon or whoever's in charge of the blog these days; because I said I would; because I've bleached my hair platinum blonde and I feel I look better with contacts as opposed to glasses; because it made for an slightly different intro than everybody elses.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds of Death: The seeds which were used in this adventure would eventually be discovered by one Sir Hugo Drax, in truth another cunning disguise of The Master, thus lending credit to the whole 'James Bond is a Time Lord' theory.

Wearing baggy pants and looking into the middle distance...

The Seeds of Death - Episode 6

Phew!

• The Doctor's position of general all-round genius status is placed in jeopardy when he fails to spot a button marked SHUT which is the door control.
• He then proceeds to build a mobile solarium to tan the Ice Warriors a lovely shade of orange using nothing but a couple of discarded pie tins from the kitchens and some fire-effect bulbs from a 50's lounge fire.
• The Ice Warrior's military ranking appears to be signified by helmet embellishments, with the Grand Marshall having a sequin covered headpiece. Perhaps when you become Lord High Grand Marshall you get rhinestones in a fractal pattern and a pink scrunchy?
• The frequency of the Martian homing beacon has a number of disastrous side effects, not least of all is the fact that that's the exact same frequency that Iron Chickens emit when in heat.
• Why does Slaar always strike a pose, rather than just standing normally? It's as if he's an underwear model in a Martian mail order clothing catalogue.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 6 of The Seeds of Death: following Bernard Bresslaw's impressive début as an  Ice Warrior in their first outing it was decided that there should always have a Carry On cast member play an Ice Warrior in their subsequent TV outings. See if you can spot Hattie Jacques.

The Storming of The Met Office

The Seeds of Death - Episode 5

Only time for a few brief points of note:

• As the temperature climbs Fewsham finally locates his balls and prevents Zoe from being killed by an Ice Warrior whilst on the set of a Pan's People dance interpretation.
• Periodically, throughout the episode, Fewsham looks like a man who's just found out that he can shit gold, but has only 3 minutes left alive to spend it.
• The Doctor is back with us after having, apparently, spend the preceding episode flat out having a pervy dream about Victoria and Jamie - if his moans of ecstasy are any indication.
• The big T-MAT boss from the United Nations pitches up and must have been asleep like the Doctor because he didn't know there'd been a manned rocket launch.
• The Met Office's annual foam part has gone badly wrong. Bill Giles' ass has melted to the photocopier, the foam machine Daniel Corbett brought in has got to tits and John Kettley's gambling problem has really gotten out of hand.
• The machinery in the weather bureau appears to be about as sophisticated as sticking felt weather shapes onto a map. And so simple that even Michael Fish couldn't get a forecast wrong.
• Why, throughout the entire story, are we continually treated to the visual treat that is the arse of Slaar?
• The Ice Warriors end game appears to involve turning the Earth's environment into something similar to that of Mars, and with it instantly forcing Russ Abbott to re-record his hit, 'Atmosphere', renaming it '(Not Much) Atmosphere'.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 5 of The Seeds of Death: the most popular Ice Warrior names for boys born between the 17th and 19th Glorious Quadrants of the Greatly Great and Super Martian Civilization were Slaar, Slaaw, Sluum and Sluut.

Get This Party Started

Episode 4. Yes, 4! I know. You go gallivanting off around the place, meeting the great and the good (and the not that good [and the downright insulting]) and you start slipping behind. I think I need a holiday, which is why this piece is being written by a stand-in Patrick Troughton.

The Seeds of Death - Episode 4

Production is picking up a pace at Martian Party Supplies and Joke Shoppes Inc., "Your one stop shop for all things celebratory and death". Their range of party balloons are flying off the shelves, so much so they've been forced into drafting in some relief workers from a leading Martian temping agency. Their other best sellers, acid streamers and plastic Martian breasts have taken a temporary back seat as balloons, or seed pods (as the duffer boffins from brain central in England instantly recognize them as) are set for delivery all over the world.

"A paper which outlined theories that chickens were not only capable of flight, but also had evolved their ovaries into potential weapons to thwart the dominance of mankind."

Normal people, seeing one of these things, would think they were the product of a naughty schoolboy who'd gotten hold of a pack of condoms and decided to make some water-bombs. But not these joyless freaks, who were never ever invited to those sorts of parties when young, instead preferring to generate some complex logarithmic constructs whilst cracking one off over their chemistry sets. Even when they explode the dullard scientists can't quite bring themselves to find humour in this obvious school boy prank. Why, only last week, they reacted to finding that eggs had been pelted at their laboratory's front door by proposing a paper which outlined theories that chickens were not only capable of flight, but also had evolved their ovaries into potential weapons to thwart the dominance of mankind.

Thankfully for planet Earth the Martian temping agency had actually sent them the A-Team's Hannibal Smith in a green skin, instead of a worker warrior, and the smoke poring over the face of the globe from all the exploded seed pods was merely a by-product of his big fat Cuban cigar. So there never was a threat to planet Earth after all...

I love it when a plan comes together.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 4 of The Seeds of Death: none of the three regulars are actually in this episode; a stand-in took the place of the subconscious Doctor, Zoe was replaced by a fizzing ball of arrogance and pomposity shoved into a chicken roasting bag and Jamie was replaced by a strategically shaved Old English Sheepdog. Unfortunately the propensity for him to lick his balls ,whilst off camera, was deemed off putting to the rest of the cast and crew so in order to prevent him from doing that Jamie was let back onto the set for the next episode and told to leave his privates alone from now on.

Seeds of DVDeath

My name is Andrew, and I have a problem.

A couple of years back when I used to rent from Netflix, I came up with the idea of copying all the existing Doctor Who DVD releases instead of actually purchasing them. Clever, eh? But due to the unlimited rentals, I had to burn the discs and send them back without watching them in order to save time and cash flow. This little scheme of mine worked pretty well, until I copied The Seeds of Death.

Because I got into Who via the Pertwee era, my first real impression of the Ice Warriors were those of the Curse of Peladon variety, and also of the ones depicted in the NA Godengine. I knew them as less fearsome incarnations than those of the past, framed as slightly bitter but diplomatic turtles haunted by a history of failed Earthly conquests, and (thanks to Craig Hinton's imagination) whose genitalia descend from a scaly pouch if they're feeling up for it (a visual which has haunted me for the past 11 years).

Anyways, I was looking forward to The Seeds of Death. I was curious to finally see the Ice Warriors in action (not that kind of action), plus there are only a few periods during this show's long history when all those involved percolate with that special sort of chemistry we find here in the Troughton era.

Needless to say, I was not disappointed: The Seeds of Death moves along at a good pace for a 6-parter, and it includes that barrage of vintage audio and visual effects that I find so endearing. The future Earth setting is a bit redundant, but it's nice to see humans utilizing technology for positive things like sharing, maybe the kids will grow up and follow suit. The Ice Warriors seemed pretty good at looming, and were particularly effective in corridors, as they should be. I mean, despite the chronic overacting, and usual litany of mistakes, I was kept in good enough suspense to feel my heart stop 14:55 into Episode 6, when my DVD player froze. What?

A minor inconvineince. I hit the power button in order to restart my player and scanned back to where I left off. It froze again. Er, what? I took out the burned DVD and searched the purple tinted foil for any type of visible blemish. Nothing. I blew on it like an old NES cartridge, and stuck it back in. Again, no luck. The disc must have some how become corrupted during the burning process! Balls!

I started to panic. I just spent the last two and a half hours gearing up for the peak of this story, and in an instant it all had been lost. How could this be? And then I realized of course, it was karma. All those years of VHS tape trading and recording episodes off of PBS had taken it's toll. I must have spent my alloted balance of Who-currency.

So I stopped copying and lived a guilt-free existence for the next 24 months, until I realized that you can watch just about every episode on a certain website for free, and I was able to finally check Seeds of Death off my viewing list.

Ahem.

For the record, I now prefer the full experience of purchasing DVDs, not to mention I enjoy seeing the spines in broadcast order on my shelf like a big fucking nerd.

Thanks for listening.

Those pod things....are DEADLY!

   So, with a well-paced story such as this, it seems to work well, for a busy man such as meself, to watch it in two sittings.  At this point, I do have to admit to being unwilling at first to watch the story, in fact scratching my head at why it was picked.  I've not seen much of the Ice Warriors, and were never to impressed by the pictures I'd seen.  I must now update previous notions.  They're a bunch of sneaky bastards.

The Ice Warriors used their mole to get the poison gas inside the facility and release it, endangering the workers in said environment, until Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian managed to get the rooms sealed and the A/C running. The world waits with baited breath to see whether or not the Ice Warriors can do the impossible and finally off that annoying Kim Bauer.  Alas, it was too late for poor Edgar, as he fell victim, nobly, to the Ice Warrior's poison gas, being the one closest to the seed pod.  If it had been the Ice Warriors' intended plan to simply poison and take over the control room, AND THUS THE WORLD, I'd have stopped watching mid-episode-four.  Fortunately, grander things were in mind. 

The Ice Warriors intend to take over the world in the form of a giant Spring Break FOAM PARTY! No seriously, I liked the whole terraforming angle.  One of the better ones I've seen. And I'm so glad they weren't just trying to poison the world with that very ineffective poison gas. After seeing this serial, in it's entirety, I now wish the BBC to make a modern-day Ice Warrior story. These are some SMART adversaries, and there's not enough of them.  For every Delgado Master and Ice Warrior, there's about a dozen Earthshock Cybermen, Drashigs, and hideously deformed despots(Buy TIMELASH on DVD!). I'd specifically like to see an Ice Warrior story set on Mars, as to my understanding, the reason they're all such slow and cumbersome mouthbreathers is our atmosphere.  Too hot, too moist, and the air's too thick.  I'd like to see them in their natural environment, as I expect it's not dissimilar to watching a Nature channel special on crocodiles or other large reptiles and amphibians. 

Professor Eldred managed to sum up six episodes in one sentence.  At the insistence of getting T-Mat back online at the expense of all else, he warns about putting all of our eggs in one basket.  Remember, the world is only 3 hot meals away from the next Dark age.  If the Doctor hadn't succeeded this time around, that's precisely what would have happened, and it would have been the old buggers with motor cars stored away in their museums that would have made out like bandits. 

Well, made it in just under the gun, so roll on The Daemons, or as I like to call it, the Damons (starring Damons D and Querry as great stone monsters, taking the piss out of UNIT and the Delgado Master!).

Disaster Area

The Seeds Of Death, episode 6

Oh dear, this isn't particularly inspiring is it? Damon announces the schedule change, and at the first chance most of the blog immediately scarpers to take advantage of the rest of the week off.

And no wonder. The Seeds Of Death concludes with the most bog-standard of six-part episodes, played out in painting-by-numbers fashion where the only colours available are Foam White and Martian Green. It's certainly not a patch on any part of The Ice Warriors; that one may be riddled with bollocks plant and cryogenic science, but it has more interesting and better defined characters, superior pacing, and a plot which plays to the strengths of the Ice Warriors and doesn't call upon them to do things they aren't equipped for (like running around).

Count your blessings too if you get narked at the way David Tennant frequently pulls a magic solution out of his arsehole in the last couple of scenes, as The Seeds Of Death is very typical of how often in old Who all the setup and plot explanation would be firmly established before the closing twenty-five minutes, with only the (literal) mopping-up remaining to be done. Solar energy to nobble the Warriors, rain for the fungus, satellite to mislead the fleet; the resolution obediently trogs along from A to B to the dismay of viewers waiting for some kind of twist in the tale that doesn't happen; adequately watchable but an absolute chore to actually review. Just like the episode, that was an awful lot of padding just now to tell you what you already know.

"Out in space, Nomad chirps away "ERROR! ERROR! ANALYSE!" at all the holes in the plot"

It's all gone a bit Crackerjack on everyone as well as Pat hammers on the weather station door - still no handles, note - desperate to escape the tidal wave of phlegm being brought up by exposure to Robert Holmes' pipe. Since even Casey Kasem in a cunning highlander disguise can outwit a lumbering Martian, Jamie volunteers to play red bucket/blue bucket with Eccles the Ice Warrior and hide behind a thin post and disappear, while Zoe unscrews the door, barely stifling the giggles as Peter Glaze tumbles in, covered in custard-pie fallout. More guards are on the way, but the funds for competent SECURITY and DEFENCE personnel has all but run out, leaving half a dozen dullards with STAND THERE AND GET SHOT marked on their helmets. So tediously drawn-out is the story's second comedy chase that there's enough time for the Three Stooges to amusingly press all the controls in the power room before the one nearest the door marked 'shut', before the Warrior is upon them. I'm not kidding you know; by the time the marauding Martian has finally been dispatched by the Doctor's portable tit-dish lashup, and everything made well in the station again, half the programme is already over. It'll be jolly smiles and jokes to the camera before the episode is done.

Out in space, Nomad chirps away "ERROR! ERROR! ANALYSE!" at all the holes in the plot.

With the fungus being washed away by anguished tears at the announcement of Timelash on DVD, the Doctor, sunlamps in hand, nips back to the moon for the final time to sort out Dudley Simpson's bloody timpani drum once and for all. And while he disconnects Dusty Bin, Brian Hayles and Terrance Dicks swap the red and blue buckets for red and blue wires in a feeble attempt to wring out a bit of 'will he, won't he' suspence as the Martian snooker triangle lines itself up on the screen for the opening break. All the armchair Grades who complain about Colin Baker's use of weapons and violence in Season 22 should be paying attention, as the Second Doctor has no qualms whatsoever about the hands-on dispatch of an opponent for what he perceives to be the greater good. None of this self-indulgant namby-pamby guilt complex that Doctors three and five would wrap themselves in either. McCoy and Tennant? Wimps, the pair of 'em. Pat had his own moral agenda, and the ends really did justify the means with whatever possible sacrifices - wiring up the tombs on Telos to zap any poorly-placed interloper rather than risk the Cybermen going out again, for instance - might be necessary to keep evil at bay. All except Jamie at least, who was needed to pull Pat's fat from the fire every adventure.

"Use the retroactive rockets! Wind back to episode one and do it properly!"

Let's face it though, there wasn't much of an armada here anyway with crap spaceships that couldn't go any further from Mars than the moon without conking out, and crap tacticians that didn't think that maybe fewer ships with more fuel to spare between them in case of error might have been a more sensible plan. Use the retroactive rockets! Wind back to episode one and do it properly! But it's no good. The skies open up and a weedy, farty whoopie-cushion noise echoes round the plains of Kakrafoon as the Martian fleet plunges into the sun, and Dark Helmet, urged by Michael Fergusson to die less quickly because there's still time to fill, is hoist veeeeeery slooooooowly by his own mirrorlon petard. Good triumphs once again because evil is dumb.

Oh man, writing this up feels like it's taken forever. The TARDIS crew must have the same feeling, the way they whizz off through the torrential rain and straight out of the adventure. Or maybe it's the way T-MAT control so stubbornly refuses to learn from the mistakes that got all of humanity nearly blown up, starved to death or asphyxiated in the first place; the status-quo has changed so little that the deja-vu has the Doctor scurrying away to escape before Meglos' timeloop can carry them all the way back to the start again. Can I come too?

They wouldn't be in such a mad dash to be off though if they knew it was The Space Pirates next...

The Bumper Book Of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds Of Death, episode 6: Poor research for Mission To Magnus was responsible for the cancellation of the original Season 23, as Phillip Martin made the grevious error of writing in Ice Warriors who weren't stupidly vulnerable to their own weapons, thus upsetting the balance of all the remaining scripts.

You Can't Stop the Signal

Final part, so you’re not expecting any great analysis by now, surely…

As Rovers start sprouting everywhere - their malign seeds so potent as to even rewrite the order of events from the previous episode’s cliff-hanger - the Doctor beats frenetically at the door of the weather station, begging to be let in before he gets so soapy his frock coat dissolves into basic animal fats. Jamie and Zoe for their part take most of this episode letting him in; Jamie leading off the by-now Amarillo-dancing Ice Warrior, and Zoe stopping for a quick change of outfit before the Doctor and the contents of a particularly full washing machine burst through. Before you can say ‘Spunk Everywhere’, Troughton’s drying himself off and concocting a cunning means of dealing with their Tony Christie-emulating nuisance: a pair of solar-powered breast-enhancers that soon reduce the Martian to fried slime. His task complete, the Doctor can now patent the solar wok to Chinese restaurants worldwide.

‘The Space Pirates’ is next. Guess the forecast is dull and cloudy then…

Beaming to the moon by T-Mat, Slaar finds his grand plans - not to mention his Grand Marshall - in a right state; though at least the latter seems to have the consolation of a night on the town to look forward to judging by the amount of sequins he’s plastered to his helmet. Confronted by the Doctor at his supercilious best - not to mention an uncanny impression of Dot Cotton at one point - Slaar sees his dreams of glory and refrigerated real estate go up in flames as the Ice Warrior fleet gets diverted by Miss Kelly’s bogus signal. Leaving him to witness the triangle of snooker balls-fleet head straight for the sun - which will do the scrubbed-up-nicely Grand Marshall no good at all - before collapsing in a hissy fit with a particularly plosive sigh as he gets a taste of his own mirrolon for good measure.

the Doctor can now patent the solar wok to Chinese restaurants worldwide

And that’s about it, as in grand Doctor Who tradition our heroes sneak out while the supporting cast are having a wholesome argument about the virtues of tradition against technology. Back at the TARDIS the Doctor and co. check on the latest weather forecast.

‘The Space Pirates’ is next. Guess it’ll be dull and cloudy then…

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds of Death 6: Peter Kay got his idea for Comic Relief’s 'Amarillo' video from this episode)

(I Beg Your Pardon) I Never Promised You a Foam Garden

Warning: this review contains unnecessary punning on the word ‘foam’.

The Seeds of Death 5

With Zoe seemingly doomed to a death by mirrorlon while Coldplay sing ‘Fix You’ behind her, Fewsham finally realises what a whining, wimpy wet lettuce he’s been for the past four episodes and takes on the Gladstone Small Ice Warrior; whose mask has slipped down so much into his chest-plate that all he can see are his own knackers as the timorous technician mounts his attack. Meanwhile, Jamie engages in fisticuffs with another of the Martian marauders, as Pat finally comes round from his week’s holiday and Miss Kelly turns the temperature up to ‘Krakatoa’. Leaving the Ice Warrior to hold his head and writhe in pain as though Coldplay are now doing an encore of ‘Speed of Sound’.

Back on Earth, and Commander Radnor’s day goes from bad to worse as his immediate superior Sir James arrives from the ministry to see ‘what the blazes is going on’ (copyright © any strait-laced, governmental boffin type, ever). This precursor to the sort of tight-sphinctered twat that would very soon be patronised into retirement by a neck-rubbing Pertwee is seemingly oblivious of the fact that he too - despite his position of authority - is wearing his pants outside his trousers. Maybe in the future Sienna Miller will be designing all clothing…

having witnessed the Doctor's scientific method first hand, it’s only surprising he didn’t get his todger out and piss on the bloody thing first

Back on location, and an Ice Warrior is making his sibilant way to a building handily marked ‘Weather Control Station’ where - having caused the 21^st Century’s equivalent of Michael Fish to brick it and mirrorloned the clueless bugger to death - he zaps an equally handily labelled ’Weather Control System’ device. Nice to know that such crucial technological machinery is so easily identifiable to any passing invading Martian, isn’t it?

Meanwhile Slaar is starting to feel the heat, staggering around like he’s imbibed too many Marti(an)nis and even propositioning Fewsham to show him what’s inside those pants he’s wearing outside his trousers. As the pair take in the Coldplay finale - a moving but ultimately incomprehensible rendering of ‘The Scientist’ - The Doctor has gone to play out in the foam; finding that mere H2O is an effective deterrent to the Rover-wannabe pods (though having witnessed his scientific method first hand, it’s only surprising that he didn’t get his todger out and piss on the bloody thing first).

Despatching Jamie and Zoe to the weather control station, where they hide out from the guard Warrior behind some 1970s-style Top of the Pops furniture (Coldplay having presumably passed them up as too ‘retro’), Slaar contacts his Grand Marshall; and we are treated to the revelation that homosexuals are not only accepted, but given positions of high power in the Ice Warrior-ian military (which is surely the only explanation for the GM’s helmet - if you’ll pardon the usage - being covered in sequins). As if it need be said, ‘Gay Agenda’. Again!

it seems homosexuals are not only accepted, but given positions of high power in the Ice Warrior military

Back at T-Mat base, and Fewsham finally grows a pair, transmitting the fatal flaw in the Ice Warriors’ plan so that Radnor et al can hear it over the video link (with the Doctor’s invention of Sky+ at this point being particularly helpful). But there’s no time to mourn the fallen turncoat, as before you can say ‘Oh my giddy Aunt’ the Doctor’s tearing his way to the weather control station; or rather running on the spot while Dudley finds the switch marked ‘epileptic’ on his keyboard.

With the foam at the centre resembling the amount of party-soap you’d normally see at an Ibiza Uncovered rave, the cliff-hanger leaves us with the disturbing sight of the Doctor covered in more bubbles than a Michael Jackson photo-album; with one in particular poised to blow its lot like some kind of alien zit.

Tune in next time to watch the Gay Pride Ice Warrior march (with guesssst sssspeaker Sssssir Ian McKellen)

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds of Death 5: it took six weeks to squeeze all the soap out of Patrick Troughton’s frock-coat)