Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Podcast #1

No script. No plan. One take. In a caravan.

Welcome to our very first Tachyon TV iWho Podcast.

Now, these aren't officially released until Monday but I thought I'd give my long-suffering bloggers the opportunity to sample our first 'cast' 24 hours early.

Instructions:

1) Download this mp3 file (it's 11mb and encoded at 56kbps and it runs for 27 minutes).

2) Stick it on your iPod (or mp3 player of your choice) and press play.

3) Follow the instructions that we'll give you in the introduction. Basically you will need to cue your copy of The Five Doctors (Special Edition) and when we tell you to hit play start up the William Hartnell speech. Ideally you should still be able to hear and see the original episode *and* the podcast at the same time.

It'll be fairly obvious pretty quickly if it's queued up correctly or not...

4) Enjoy (or at least try to!)

Disclaimer: this podcast is meant for mature listeners only. It contains swearing and adult themes (sorry). Don't download it if you are easily offended (or a lawyer).

We await your comments with a growing sense of fear...

Oh, and a special thanks to my long suffering wife, Sue, who played the part of Steve Roberts during our recording sessions. And to my dog, Buffy, who only barked the once.

Nooooo! Not the Five Doctors!

OK, so the Master is sent to the Death Zone by the Time  Lords, right? And when he steps into the transmat he's wearing a black suit, right? However, when he arrives in Wales (sorry, the Death Zone) he is suddenly - and inexplicably - decked out in a big black cape!

Is this a continuity error par excellence? Why no! It's a...

...wait for it...

CLOAKING DEVICE!

Der Boom Boom Tsk!

[the sound of tumbleweed drifting by]

Oh, please yourselves...

I've seen The Five Doctors more times than I care to admit. Partly because it was the very first story that I bought on VHS, but mainly because it's so damned funny. Now, I don't want to flog a dead horse, but if Mystery Science Theater 3000 had ever bothered to tackle some Doctor Who, then this story would have provided the perfect fodder: the heroically naff performances ("Not the mind probe!"); cheesy special effects (ice cream cones of doom); questionable plot devices ("Easy as Pi?"); a planet that turns everyone blind ("Look! It's the TARDIS!"); Philip Latham's diction; Sarah Jane's exciting incline-hanger. I could go on and on but all the other reviewers beat me to it.

In fact, Sean gave us an excellent 4-part MST on The Five Doctors without even realising it. I think we should make it our very first Tachyon TV Podcast. What do you think?

Anyway, I've decided to base my flimsy "review" on the shopping list that JNT gave to Robert Holmes when he originally came up with the madcap notion of making a 90 minute 'Now That's What I Call Doctor Who'. It's only when you see the ingredients written down like this that you finally realise just how ridiculous a concept it really was.

Doctor #1: Ah, sweet Billy Hartnell. He was right, you know, he did come back. Yes, he did come back. It's just a shame that this tender kiss to the past is immediately ruined by the insane decision to recast him with an actor that looks absolutely nothing like him!

Doctor #1.1: The decision to recast the 1st Doctor reeks of bad taste and even worse judgement. To be fair, Richard Hurndall does look a little bit like Hartnell from the back, but instead of trapping this incarnation in the timescoop, which any other sane person would have done, JNT decides that some bloke he once saw in Blakes 7 will do the job just as well. And he even has the balls to describe himself as "the original"! Just imagine what it would be like if Russell T Davies made the Ten Doctors today and he recast the 3rd Doctor with David Dickinson...

Doctor #2: Troughton manages to slip effortlessly back into the role he made his own. Back in 1983 I didn't really have all that many references to go by, but with the benefit of hindsight it's like he's never been away. He comes out of the whole mess smelling of roses, his reputation completely untarnished (if not enhanced).

Doctor #3:  Jumping Jehosophat! Pertwee does what Pertwee does best: he moans, he groans, he rubs the back of his neck. And as the 3rd Doctor gently patronises the hell out of Sarah Jane whilst simultaneously jumping to the wrong conclusion about the Master,  you'll discover that your hatred for this incarnation is just as strong as it's ever been.

Doctor #4: The miserable old git refused to take part. But just you try telling me that in 1983 - as far as I was concerned he was in it! He was on the front of the Radio Times for starters, and he also turned up to that photoshoot (although I do remember thinking that he looked a little worse for wear). And there he was! Doing stuff I'd never seen him do before! Of course he was bloody in it! And Lalla Ward too!

Doctor #5: As the incumbent incarnation it's only right that Davison gets the lion's share of the action. And besides, Tom pulled out. He also manages to rumble Borusa and he gets to take part in some of the better set-peices too, especially when he leaves the Master to deal with the Cybermen (a moment that borders perilously close to the sadistic).

Tegan & Turlough: Tegan gets to strut her stuff with Doc #1, while poor Turlough gets to watch the Cybermen slowly construct a bomb with only a 40-year old 16-year old for company...

Susan: The strangest performance in the whole story, bar none. Just how old is she supposed to be, exactly? 16? 40? 150? And the fanboy in me is always struck by the lassier faire manner in which the 5th Doctor and Susan initially respond to each other. Considering that she is his own flesh and blood and he hasn't seen her for centuries, he doesn't look all that thrilled, does he?

Sarah: Everything we love about Sarah is present and correct - questionable dress sense, nasal whining, unconvincing ankle-breaking and more "What is it, Doctor?" per square inch than all the over companions combined. Roll on April, eh?

K9: The time soft-scoop leaves the metal mutt behind, which is extremely convenient given that they are filming on uneven hillsides for the majority of this story. David Brierley was busy, apparently.

The Brigadier: Courtnay gives a typically stoic performance. Splendid chap - all of him.

Zoe & Jamie: Who cares if this screws up established continuity - it's Fraiser 'Three Up Two Down' Hines!

Liz Shaw: Scarier than most of the monsters.

Captain Yates: Virtually unrecognisable.

The Master: Boooo! Hissss! He's behind you! Ainley is on fine form here; his lock-jawed grin of absolute evil working overtime as he tries desperately to upstage all the other villains (with, it has to be said, complete success). And no one can prance down a flight of stairs quite like Tony.

A Dalek: You couldn't possibly stage a Dr Who panto without one of Skaro's finest turning up, could you? And as it's the 1980s the Dalek will immediatley blow itself up, further diluting any menace they once possessed.

A Yeti: Having only seen black and white still images of this legendary 60s beast, I had always found it difficult to believe that something that looked so fluffy and cuddly could be so scary. And you know what? I was right.

Cybermen: It doesn't take a genius to work out that Uncle Terry hates the Cybermen almost as much as I do. According to his hilarious Region 1 DVD commentary they were shoehorned in by Eric Saward at the last moment, and in a vengeful fit of pique Terry turns them into the most incompetent race of villains ever to grace the series. I don't know what's worse - their moronic wandering around the Death Zone, getting duped by the Master, being slaughtered by the Kylie Robot or getting sliced and diced by the chessboard of doom.

The Raston Warrior Robot: One of the cheapest and silliest "monsters" ever created for the series. Now you see him... Zipppp! ... now you don't! Brilliant! And strangely sexy, too.

Autons: Opps, they've gone way over budget, even without Tom. They'll have to replace an exciting action sequence with yet another talky scene set in the airport departure lounge that is Gallifrey. Oh well.

Borusa: Who saw that coming? Well, it was either him or Chancellor (ooo-eeeee-ooooo!) Flavia, and his hands kinda gave it away.

Rasillion: Ho! Ho! Ho!

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about 'The Five Doctors': JNT was going to recast the 4th Doctor with Mike Yarwood until Ian Levine phoned him up and reminded him about 'Shada'.

Rassilon Lives!

Chunk the fourth. And today a tribute to the number of series of the original Doctor Who series that followed this landmark story of continuity references and ‘kisses to the past’; so here are six things I noticed about ‘The Five Doctors’: Final Chunk.

1. Let’s get something out of the way, shall we - all that extra material shoe-horned in for 1995’s special edition adds absolutely nothing to the story. In fact it rather slows things down as - much as it is lacking in departments like script and plot - ‘The Five Doctors’ (1983 version) rattles along at a pretty decent pace. Making the inclusion of seemingly every discarded scene and longer take somewhat spurious to say the least.

2. Following Doctor Three’s encounter with ‘ghosts from the past’, this time it’s the second Doctor’s turn to have a couple of old acquaintances bamboozle him with some hammy acting. Of course you’ll be aware of the apparent continuity faux pas that having this Doctor know of Jamie and Zoë’s memories being wiped throws up. So instead let’s concentrate on the rather touchingly sad way Troughton plays this scene once the Doctor realises his old friends are mere projections. A lovely piece of acting in a story which could have done with a few more…

3. Name-check time: this episode has something of an orgy of Rassilon-related items; the Harp of Rassilon, the Ring of Rassilon (no jokes, please), the Game of Rassilon and - last but not least - the Voice of Rassilon. Though given his eventual spectral appearance, it’s strange that no mention is made of ‘The Dodgy-looking Handlebar Moustache of Rassilon’.

4. That Cyber-bomb’s finally ready. Shame all that episode-and-a-half of effort came to nothing. Like builders, it seems that cyber-troops are prone to slacking and gross over-estimations about how long jobs are going to take.

5. And so to the story’s climax - with Doctors One, Two and Three arriving together via their respective entrances at Rassilon’s tomb there’s even time for some ‘Three Doctors’-style ribbing amongst the senior Time Lords. While Pertwee gets to say ‘Reverse the polarity of the Neutron flow’ one more time, no-one seems to have noticed that rather obvious space around Rassilon’s sarcophagus (hmm, wonder who that’s for…). ‘To Lose is to win, and he who wins shall lose’ says the Great Man’s prophecy (having evidently never watched much sport in his life) but Doctor One (curiously, seeing as he is the earliest (and therefore ‘youngest’) of the Doctors) makes a mental leap beyond the others; realising that Rassilon’s gift of ‘Immmmortality’ was a curse, not a gift.

6. Leaving little more to say other than that those farewells between the Doctors are really rather charming (though Doctor One’s comment that ‘It’s reassuring to know that my future’s in safe hands’ subsequently looks misguided given the antics at the end of the following season). Troughton and Pertwee get to do their ‘fancy pants/scarecrow’ routine one, last time and the Brigadier launches a thousand potential programme guide titles with the words ‘Splendid fellows…all of you’. Then we’re off with Doctor Five, Tegan and Turlough once more; fleeing a furious Gallifreyan populace in just a rackety old TARDIS. And I for one can’t think of a more perfect way to end what remains a rather enjoyable celebration of a television legend.

After all, that’s how it all started…

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about the final twenty-five minutes of ‘The Five Doctors’: Philip Latham was accidentally left locked in Rassilon’s sarcophagus for four hours while cast and crew went to lunch none the wiser).

The Five Doctors, Doctored

Chunk the Third - and today (as a tribute, for no particular reason, to Season Sixteen) here are six things I noticed about ‘The Five Doctors’: Penultimate Part.

1. The Raston Warrior Robot - curiously both one of the few original concepts in this story and one of the most effective (you even forgive the fact that it’s largely a bloke in a silver leotard leaping around). And boy does he kick Cyber-Arse (of which more later)!

2. This week’s copyrighted name-checks of ‘The Greatest Time-Lord Who Ever Lived’ ™ - ‘The Black Scrolls of Rassilon’ and ‘The Mind of Rassilon’ (publication of ‘What Rassilon Did Next’ is sadly unknown…)

3. How do the Doctors fare this time out? Well, Davison’s stuck on Gallifrey (apparently filling the role that Tom would have had) where the Castellan is found to be the guilty party (having stashed away Rassilon’s aforementioned Black Scrolls like some kind of Time Lord porn-monger). Led away for interrogation - and let’s hear it for his deathless last line ‘No, not the Mind Probe’, shall we? - he’s conveniently shot dead by Commander Maxil’s replacement. So no suspect, no trial it seems (Doctor Five seems doubtful that the true culprit has been caught; though his judgment may be clouded by all that eye-liner Davison is wearing). Meanwhile, Doctor Two and the Brig are on the run from a Yeti (a real one this time, we assume) leading to some lovely Troughton-esque humour as his Doctor takes an age to empty his pockets and find a glitter-gun (no, not that ‘Glitter’). And Doctor Three and Sarah - having evaded the Raston Robot with the aid of some truly clueless Cybermen - enter the Tower via the scenic route, only for Pertwee to be confronted by some ‘ghosts’ from the past in the form of UNIT’s Liz and Mike (in a rather pointless, but fan-pleasing, cameo). Not forgetting Doctor One (and kindly refrain from referring to him as ‘Doc’, will you) and Tegan who go through the main door and play hopscotch with the Master (not to mention some even more clueless Cybermen).

4. Ah, the Cybermen. This is not a good ‘episode’ for their apologist fans to use in any case for the defence; for we have not one but two slaughterings of the ‘giants’ from Mondas. While the Special Edition attempts to retain them some kudos by showing them actually fire a few shots, the way in which the Raston Warrior Robot hacks them down like a bunch of tailor’s dummies is by far the nadir for these formerly impressive foes. While one of them even seems to have been out for a few last night, judging by the Cyber-vomit that he takes during the massacre. Later, that most unlikely of collaborations between them and the Master sees them fall even further: walking like a bunch of headless chickens over a deadly chess-board that cuts them down with lightning bolts (check out the last Cyberman to cross, who carries on blissfully unaware of his comrades’ fate even though the massacre had commenced before he started crossing).

5. Those extra bits that the Special Edition shoe-horns in in full: thrill to Sarah attempting to ten-pin-bowl a Cyberman down a cliff; gasp at Turlough and Susan trying to stay awake as Cybermen sloooooowly ready their big, big bomb; be amazed by that slightly extended cut of the Master walking down a corridor. How did we cope without all these scenes for nigh-on twelve years?

6. And a mixed bag of thoughts to finish: Why is Sarah’s character being written as though she’s Jo Grant (she was never this thick in the 70s, surely)? How does Tegan know what an entry-coder is (and by the way, what is an entry-coder anyway?)? Why does Sarah say ‘Well, don’t be too long’ when Doctor Three tells her he ‘won’t be a second’ (is she not sure now how long a second is?). And how deranged was Kylie Minogue’s tour designer of a few years back if he thought dressing her as a Raston warrior Robot would make her look sexy (though, on second thoughts…)

And this week’s bowel-trembling cliff-hanger: the Master walks down some steps to a Peter Howell synth accompaniment. Don’t hold your breath all week, will you?

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about (oh you know what I’m talking about by now, surely?): Paul Jericho’s ‘No, not the mind probe’ line took three months to film in order to achieve the right level of banality).

Rassilon (and on, and on...)

Chunk the second…And this time - in tribute to the amount of regenerations a Time Lord is allowed to have (at least until RTD and co. no doubt rewrite the rules) - here are thirteen things I noticed about ‘The Five Doctors’ episode (sic) two.

1. ‘Oh K-9, why didn’t I listen to you?’ Because he’s an irritating know-all who you seem to find ample compensation for not having a boyfriend. Let the f**ker rust for about twenty years, already.

2. And while we’re on the subject of how useless Sarah-Jane is in this story, are we really meant to believe she can’t traverse that incline without the help of a bleeding car to pull her up? It’s like when Bob Mortimer used to ‘fall’ (often incurring chaffing) on Vic Reeves’ Big Night Out (except not an ounce as funny).

3. ‘Teeth and Curls’ couldn’t make it as he was sulking about the fact there were ‘other Doctors’.

4. How do Susan and Doctor One fail to see the TARDIS when (only seconds later) Susan suddenly exclaims ‘Oh look, there’s the TARDIS’? Back in the sixties, we could have put this down to the lack of studio space - but here we’ve got the whole of freaking Snowdon to move about in!

5. ‘What are you young people doing in my TARDIS?’ Obviously no-one’s told Doctor One about JNT’s ‘youth-oriented’ policy (he should just be glad that Adric’s already space-dust). And Tegan’s clearly been watching ‘The Three Doctors’, seeing as she’s the only one clued-up enough about the first law of time.

6. ‘I am the Doctor…the original you might say’. Whereas Doctor One clearly hasn’t seen ‘The Brain of Morbius’.

7. At this point an obligatory joke about the Master’s ‘cloaking device’ is required. I’ll leave Neil to fill in anyone who doesn’t get this…

8. Basically this ‘chunk’ is all about double acts (and you have to remind yourself at times that the great Robert Holmes did indeed pass on writing this, leaving ‘el Tel’ to concoct something coherent out of arguably the most ridiculous pitch in Who history: ‘Right, Terrence, I want every Doctor (even the dead one), Daleks, Cybermen and pretty much most of the companions seen in the past twenty years. And I want a fast-paced, exciting story in just ninety minutes. What do you mean ‘likely bloody story?’

9. But the double acts are on the whole very good (maybe Holmes had more input than history dictates?): Doctor Two and the Brig, Doctor One and Tegan (unlikely I know, but seeing as Carole Ann Ford has clearly forgotten what acting is over the previous nineteen years, a welcome relief). And Doctor Three’s confrontation with the Ainley Master barely conceals Pertwee’s contempt for JNT recasting the character.

10. If you’ve never heard of Rassilon before this story, then you will do now - The Tomb of Rassilon, The Game of Rassilon, The Tower of Rassilon (obviously ‘the greatest Time Lord who ever lived’ was also big on patents). Such blatant name-dropping is not often heard outside of a Doctor Who convention.

11. So that’s why the Daleks got such a pitifully poor appearance - all those treacherous hillocks which Liz Sladen had such trouble with are clearly more suited for Cybermen. But compared to ‘Earthshock’, this lot’s a pitiful bunch (with even David Banks failing to instil any of the characterisation of his previous attempt). And they get some of the limpest lines (‘I have found the ones from the TARDIS’; ‘He is an alien…aliens are not to be trusted’…I could go on) And d’you reckon that the Master might have overheard them planning to use and betray him, seeing as the Leader and his cybernetically-challenged lieutenant went all of three feet away to discuss their plans? Excellent, my arse!

12. Peter Davison pointlessly presses the same TARDIS console buttons three times while setting up the ‘computer scanner‘. And what’s with the Lewis Carroll reference? (which I prefer to remember as ‘Like Alice, I try to watch three episodes of ‘Colony in Space’ before breakfast’). Sentiment’s the same…

13. Susan - stands around, smiles a lot, looks at the young, blond-haired man who used to be her Grandfather as though she wants to go to bed with him and (to cap it all) manages to break her ankle on a shrub. How did she survive in the post-apocalyptic London of 2164?

14. (whoops, like the Master I’ve had one incarnation too many. Still, if it’s good enough for him). This week’s edge-of-the-seat cliff-hanger: Susan and Turlough (while seemingly slipping into a shared coma) observe some Cybermen very sloooowly laying out cable. And, believe it or not, by the end of the next ‘episode’ they still haven’t finished what they’re doing!

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts (Anniversary Edition) has this to say about the second twenty-five minutes (or so) of ‘The Five Doctors’: seemingly deluded by having been off TV for nearly twenty years, Carole Ann Ford thought that Richard Hurndell was a dead ringer for Hartnell. Honest.)

Cut 'n' Shut

It's got the front end of a Doctor Who adventure, the middle of a pair of comfortable action slacks and the back end of a badly put together, amateurish, fan convention.

"One day, I shall come back. Yes...." Yeah right. Blah, blah, blah. I always thought this preamble from Billy Bob was a neat way of introducing him, from beyond the grave, into the proceedings. But it just goes to underline how different his replacement is. Much like having Peter Jones' voice mixing it with William Franklyn's, on the last three parts of the Hitchhiker's trilogy. You just start to miss the original even more. Yes, that's right. You actually begin to miss Hartnell. Why they didn't just have rotating heads, pickled in time, spinning through the title sequence I'll never know. Oh, my dears, it's The Five Doctors, the TV equivalent of a fan convention. Loosely fitting cameo roles that don't really hang together off the back of any form of rigorous narrative structure with a plot so paper thin it would make supermarket own brand value loo roll look sumptuous and quilted by comparison.

Also, I'm not too sure whether this extended version should be viewed as the de facto standard version of The Five Doctors in the same way that Lucas re-crafted the first three Star Wars epics. The DVD was the first one the BBC brought out when they were still experimenting with this new fangled media. And is complete with authoring defects. Six years worth of DVDs later and at least they have mastered the process and ensured that all new Doctor Who releases are defect free... Oh, hang on...

So. To the action. Turlough's taken to sketching things on a pad. Black. BLACK! Like the blackness of the inky black sky. The marmalade... is stalking... my gnome of fear. The Doctor unveils a brand spanking new console, complete with state of the art BBC Micro monitors built in as standard, and proceeds to polish up his knobs. Given the celebratory/convention feel I'm actually expecting Dame Andrew Beech to prance out into the console room and maniacally twiddle the knobs whilst pretending he's the centre of all universal attention. Who else was at Panopticon 30 and felt like hurling things?

Tegan pops out in a dress that can only be described as a kaleidoscope. I dare say it's something to do with the high bombardment of positive irons, smashing into the ladies from the wardrobe department, that's created the strange material that was used in the construction of this little number. And from Turlough's sketching in the Eye of Orion we move from a black gloved hand, the universal symbol for evil incarnate, to some doddery old chap in a garden who's about to be hovered up by some sort of intergalactic Mr Whippy cone. And so it begins. One scoop or two? Actually, we'll go for several. And stick a flake in mine.

Next to be captured are the Brig and the Second Doctor. Why, in this reinvigorated version of the story, do we still have the wimpy sounds of a BBC Micro as the intercom alert. Troughton comes off the best in this I think. Always nice to see the Second Doctor in colour, even if he does look like he's skinned a Yeti to get that coat and we have to suffer a very bad version of the "doctor who?" gag.

Next under the cone is the Third Doctor and Bessie then Sarah Jane, being warned by that bastard dog. Not about there being intergalactic danger, but of the risk of going out in a see through mac. I wonder if David Brierley was too busy to star as the voice of K9? When Sarah says that her car's in dock does she actually mean it's in the dock, on a charge of being a very bad car? I take it she's still flouncing around middle England in that convertible rust bucket of a Metro?

A pre-recorded Fourth Doctor and Romana are then swiped by the ice cream of temporal doom and, fortunately for the story, are trapped in some sort of clip show stasis field.

The be-gloved man is revealed to be using a trackball in place of standard mouse input device, perhaps he's been the recipient of a recent workplace assessment from Occupational Health from the department of Evil Despot Resources who have advised him on alternative input devices so he can achieve his Machiavellian plans without incurring a bad case of RIS. With all the players in place, and the Fifth Doctor being diminished piece by piece and wanting to be Whole Again (by the Atomic Kittens) Turlough discovers he has Two Hearts (by Phil Collins) and the whole scene goes bad as it descends into a middle of the road compliation album.

Ah Gallifrey. Gallifrey. Gallifrey. Home to the most inopportune named holiday areas since Butlins opened up in Kabul (bet the Death Zone is a bad name to sell as a desirable tourist destination amongst the travel agents of the galaxy) and pitiful indoor fountain/garden displays.

The Master joins the High Council. He's been offered a brand new regeneration cycle. And to seal the deal they offer him a special commemorative ashtray and a doorbell. The Seal of the High Council. How much better it would have been to give him the pet seal of the High Council and a bucket of fish to take to the Death Zone to find the Doctors.

Meanwhile the Doctors start their journey through the Death Zone:

 
• The First Doctor ends up in some cheap hall of mirrors and Susan appears out of nowhere. Where did the Mr Whippy time scoop scoop her up from? Hurndall's playing a charactiture of Hartnell - with a dash of old man Steptoe thrown in for good luck. Just why is he wearing fingerless gloves? And when they escape, and get out onto the moor, how on earth did they not see the TARDIS from where they were? Is their eyesight that bad? Must be almost in a shit a state as Susan's ankles. Wonder if she'll sprain them again? Old brittle ankles...
 
• The Second Doctor and the Brig end up in a quarry and get felt up by some Cybermen through a glory hole in a dry stone wall that they just so happen to have stopped beside.
 
• The Third Doctor meets up with Sarah Jane in a mist and she proceeds to fall down a very gentle slope that still necessitates the use of Bessie to drag her up the slight incline. And then they meet up with "my best enemy". What would the Nimon say to that? Jehosophat indeed.

Whilst the Master and the Cybermen meet up and agree to put the band back together, the Fifth Doctor makes it to the High Council's chamber and leaves Tegan and Susan to run back to the TARDIS. Watch out you don't trip over that.... oh well, never-mind. The First Doctor now takes over the Fifth Doctor's part of the quest but is saddled with Tegan, possibly the most oddest companion/Doctor combination since Richard Nixon travelled with the Sixth Doctor for a weekend.

The Brig and the Second Doctor are set to explore the below entrance to the Dark Tower, going through Stump Hole Cavern in order to gain access. But they've still got to face another horror in the tunnels. A Yeti. Not controlled by the Great Intelligence, this time, but this lone Yeti thinks that the coat that the Doctor's wearing makes him look like a female Yeti. It's the Doctor Who equivalent of a Pepe Le Peu cartoon. You know, the ones where Pepe always falls for a female feline that's just had a white stripe of paint applied down her back.

Sarah Jane and the Third Doctor aren't faring much better as they come across a vicious Jamaican automaton with its own built in armaments and a rasterfarian hat. Yes, the Rasta Warrior Robot is definitely passing the dutche to the left hand side and dispensing shafts of hot lead from the right hand side. But I'm misunderstanding for comedic effect. Aside from the dodgy jumping effects I actually though that the Raston Warrior Robot cutting it's way through the army of Cybermen (in this case, more like Dad's Army in Cyber form) was actually fairly spectacular.

So almost simultaneously the three incarnations of the Doctor and their respective companions arrive at their designated entry points in the Dark Tower. But there's one additional hurdle for Hurndal and Tegan, a weak Adventure Game style puzzle. Just what on earth is all this about? Pie. Pie?! It's all Greek to me. Dronga dronga. Following the dispatching of the Cyber army the Master then seems to tiptoe around like some crazed comedy villain. You almost expect there to be a sound effect dubbed on as he creeps around the place.

And to the grand finale, as Boursa, reveled to be the dark hand behind all this, pitches up with the Fifth Doctor and seeks the gift of immortality from Rassilon. Boursa seems to have become a little unhinged - he's gotten a touch of the Tony Blairs. Finally, I've worked it all out. It's actually a satire on Blair's premiership, how he thinks he can go on for ever and ever and even attempts to gain access to the tomb of Thatcher to steal her secret of immortality. Then it all kind of ends with Boursa becoming a face on a plinth.

Yes, that's just about all the sense it ever needs to make. Just lie back and revel in the parade of familiar faces from 20 years of history and enjoy the sights, sounds and, dare I say it, the smells of Who. Just don't concentrate too hard on the actual story otherwise you might just realize it's shit. Forty two years later and we're still here, discussing this little show of ours, only this time in blog form. Choosing to consort with other similar nutters on a rackety old web site.

That is, after all, how it all began...

The Bumper Book of Doctor Who Made-Up Facts has this to say about The Five Doctors: Terrance Dicks sub-contracted much of the work writing the complex story line to a team of crazed Ormolu Chimps, a very rare strain of the genus only to be found up palm trees in Rekiavic. He worked them to near exhaustion whilst he tanned himself in the land of the midnight sun.

Five Star

Forty-two years eh? Blimey. Don’t panic, you won’t find any Douglas Adams references here. But still, even though it’s not a stand-out anniversary, its still a remarkable achievement. Whoever would have thought forty-two years ago that twenty-five minutes of BBC television would lead to so much? They were having rather a good night, what with the That Was the Week That Was Kennedy special as well, but still… Added to that, now in 2005 we have probably the most optimistic anniversary, with Doctor Who enjoying its greatest period of public affection and high profile since… Well, maybe since the twentieth.

Speaking of which, it does have to be said that The Five Doctors is not exactly the greatest tribute to the show. It’s not that it’s bad as such, more than it can’t ever hope to capture everything that’s special about the programme, perhaps precisely because its best qualities have always come through being worked at naturally rather than through any specific effort or list of precise ingredients. And there are so many different eras – moody black and white, scary mid-seventies, humorous later seventies, flashy nineteen eighties – that one anniversary could never hope to satisfy fans of them all. I should not at this point that this review is of the ‘special edition’ version as available on DVD, although as we’re probably all going from the DVD copy I don’t suppose it makes a great deal of difference. (I do miss that ridiculous ‘Ah!’ from that Cyberman, though…).

Terrance Dicks does his best with the script, though, bringing together a pick ‘n’ mix of elements from across the years in a kind of ‘Greatest Hits’ approach. So we get Daleks, Cybermen, the Master, and even – despite his unwillingness to be involved – Tom Baker, courtesy of a clever use of available footage from the unfinished Shada, which actually works quite well and could easily fool non-fans into thinking it was shot specially for this episode. It’s fun and it just about gets away with stretching the audience’s credulity, so long as you don’t concentrate too hard on it and just allow yourself to go along with the celebratory theme.

One of the Doctors is, however, a fake – aside of course from his appearance in a tacked-on old footage cameo at the start, which despite its decent sentiment doesn’t seem to sit too well, the First Doctor is played by Richard Hurndall. I know he doesn’t really look all that much like Hartnell, but personally I’ve always been quite pleased with his performance. There was never going to be an adequate substitute for the original actor, but Hurndall does a decent job of capturing the spirit at least, if not the precise characteristics, of Hartnell’s performance, and they could certainly have done far, far worse. (Imagine, for instance, if the current production team ever wanted to do a multi-Doctor story and got, say, Jon Culshaw in to play the Fourth Doctor. Urgh. On the other hand though, if they wanted to feature the First, has anybody been struck by Charles Dance in the current Bleak House adaptation? No…?).

The Second Doctor probably comes off the best of all the Doctors, even the current incumbent Davison, thanks to a perfect performance from Patrick Troughton and a wonderful double-act with Nicholas Courtney. Yes, fans can complain that the two characters never really would have shared such close affinity given they’ve only really met three times before, but as I said earlier, if you ignore the details the spirit of the thing can keep it going. It’s also been mentioned how odd it is that the Second Doctor seems to be aware of the events leading up to his own regeneration already, but it’s always seemed to me as if all of the previous Doctors in this story were taken from some sort of nether world after their own regenerations, given their reactions to people they should have only just seen a little while ago before they were scooped up. How that would work is beyond my comprehension, but it is not beyond my imagination. The best policy, however, is probably not to think about it too hard at all.

Pertwee’s just Pertwee, really, although sadly his companion for this adventure Sarah Jane Smith isn’t well-serviced by Terrance Dicks’s script, and comes across far more moaning and helpless than she usually did during her original run on the show. The point’s been made often enough in the past about her pathetically falling down that gentle slope, and she only seems to be there in the first place as a kind of second choice after Borusa fails to land the Fourth Doctor and Romana, something I’d never actually twigged before. Odd how we never see Susan, the other companion snared on her own without the Doctor present, being taken – perhaps they felt depicting the 22^nd century would be too much of an effort on the budget they had, but given that on previous evidence the place looks like the 1960s, you wouldn’t have thought it’d take that much doing.

Once he’s grabbed all these older characters, Borusa has for some reason decided to make little toy figurines of them all for his Death Zone playset. Not only that, but once he’s placed them on the board he has a silly little croupier stick thing to move them about three inches across its surface, which you have to wonder whether its worth the effort, and why couldn’t he have just put them down where he wanted with his sodding hand? The bloody board’s only about three feet across in total. Still, it wouldn’t be Doctor Who without some total and complete idiocy on behalf of the villains.

Much of this idiocy is provided by the Cybermen, who I’ve never particularly liked and thus it does not thrill me that they’re such a big part of this special. It’s nice to see them getting massacred by the Raston Warrior Robot, but when on other occasions in the episode they – for example – don’t spot the First Doctor when he’s right in front of them, in much the style of that Dalek from the last episode of The Dalek Invasion of Earth, you have to say they deserved it.

I’m not a massive fan of Ainley’s portrayal of the Master either, although that’s chiefly down the piss-poor scripts he was usually served with rather than anything against the actor himself. He does quite well here, and the idea of him being called in by the desperate Time Lords to go and save the Doctor, who has vanished, is a good one that could have done with being given a bit more drama to it. Sadly, this is being directed by Peter Moffat, a man who could give lessons to Keith Boak on how to direct Doctor Who badly.

There are plenty of other things to pick at – why do the Time Lords still only have black and white TV sets, the cheap bastards? Why does the Brigadier only get to see other worlds when the Doctor’s having one of his anniversary get-togethers? Why are the Time Lords all so bloody stilted and why do they live on a planet that looks so shit? Why does that soldier at the UNIT reunion change from not knowing who the Doctor is to seeming almost fond of him in the space of two minutes? And come to that, why is a top secret organisation having a reunion with reporters from The Times invited along anyway? Why is Tegan wearing that costume? In fact, in a general moan, why are any of the regular characters from the 1983 era wearing those costumes?

Ah well. We can look back a little more light-heartedly now that everything’s sweetness and light in the world of Doctor Who again, and it is quite good fun when all’s said and done. Even a Dalek manages to poke its head around the door and join the party for five minutes, and I do like the mix of theme tune versions at the end, even if the Doctor’s final line is a touch saccharine.

You can’t help but wonder how much more interesting it might have been if Tom had been in the mix, though. Do I mean interesting? Or do I mean confused…?

Five Go Missing in the Death Zone

Before I start, Happy Anniversary everybody.

And as if by magic, anniversaries seem to be the flavour of this week’s Stripped Down sesh. Did you deliberately plan this, Neil or (like the anniversary showing of ‘Caves’ part four back in March) was this just pure luck? If it was meant, then it’s scheduling that even JNT would have been proud of. Just be thankful you didn’t have to contend with the Olympics mucking up your carefully timed plans…

I’m going to break with tradition - and indeed common decency - and review this story in what is commonly known as the ‘overseas’ version; in other words the four parts into which it was rather savagely sliced up for episodic distribution. Now I know this is against all rhyme or reason of logic, but frankly I haven’t got the time to absorb (not to mention review) it all in one sitting. Sorry - I guess we’ll just have to pretend we’re all watching Season 22 in Abu Dhabi (or something).

And at the risk of further offending the traditionalists out there, I’m also using the 1995 ‘special’ edition; not because I can’t get my hands on the 1983 original, but because there’ll be more to talk about (not to mention laugh over).

So here goes…And seeing as ‘The Five Doctors’ marked 20 years of our favourite programme, here are 20 things I noticed about ‘The Five Doctors’: Chunk One.

1. For those who were with us at the start of Stripped Down 2 back in September, here we have again Hartnell’s ‘One Day…’ speech from ‘Dalek Invasion‘, which for me captures the show’s indomitable spirit more than any other moment that I care to remember.

2. Unlike in 1983, we don’t then open on Davison polishing that (at the time) impressively techno new console; instead, there’s some left-over establishing shots of the Death Zone and its suitably grim looking Dark Tower. Whether this adds or subtracts to the Tower’s later impact is debatable; but for me this is a case of new material for old rope.

3. The Eye of Orion - for some people, the most tranquil place in the universe (despite the fact both it - and the later wilderness of the Death Zone - look unerringly like Welsh mountain ranges in drizzly March). Apparently the Eye’s ‘high bombardment of positive ions’ (think Earth after a thunder storm) help give rise to this feeling of well-being (strange this, as for me being pissed on constantly while walking up a hillock leaves me feeling as tranquil as a post-regenerative Colin Baker).

4. But saying that, I do like those scenes at the eye, with the TARDIS crew for once able to take time out for some R&R (even Turlough - psychotic pawn of the Black Guardian just two stories earlier, remember - is painting for God’s sake). And Peter Howell’s score is particularly atmospheric, sounding like self-hypnosis tapes.

5. Of course this feeling of contentment and relaxation cannot last - suddenly we’re following an old man on a gentle stroll through his garden; only for him to be abducted by what appears to be a giant, reflective ice-cream cone. Just where are social services when you need them most?

6. The old man turns out to be the First Doctor (you can only tell this only when a gloved hand removes a carved chess-piece and pushes it to the centre of a Tower-dominated diorama; as the figure’s features look a lot more like William Hartnell’s than the actor pretending to be him).

7. Back at the Eye, Doctor Five suddenly clutches himself in pain as though he’s just heard Matthew Waterhouse is coming back. ‘Cosmic Angst’, he explains; the side-effect of having too much blond-highlighting, more likely…

8. By now we’re quickly moving up the gears of nostalgia overdrive - oh look, there’s the Brig back for a reunion at UNIT headquarters; then a little old man in a coat that would make a thousand animal-right protestors lynch him appears, wittering on about ‘Tomorrow’s Times’ and barging in on the Brig and his (unpromising) replacement as though he owns the place. Needless to say, Patrick Troughton slips back into Doctor Two effortlessly; allowing Terrance Dicks to litter his script with in-jokes going back at least ten years.

9. So who was ‘The Terrible Zodin’, anyway (besides a ‘woman of extreme guile’ as we’re later told)? Ooops, no time for that - the ice-cream cone’s back and the Troughton Doc and Brig have joined Hartnell on the chess board. And just in case it hasn’t already dawned, you’re meant to think that those gloved hands pushing the pieces around are the Master’s by the way.

10. Next up, Pertwee’s test-driving Bessie’s latest modification, only to be rudely interrupted by the still-hungry ice-cream cone. ‘Great Balls of Fire’, he exclaims; though why he name-checks Jerry Lee Lewis at this point is anyone’s guess.

11. Apparently ‘The Master’ (as you’re meant to think it is behind all this) is too shit-scared to pinch Tom straight away; electing instead to throw old companion Sarah Jane Smith into the mix (Sarah appears to have given up her Miss Marple shtick in Morton Harwood, by the way; but K-9 (briefly seen patrolling Sarah’s new suburban semi) is still the know-all box of bollocks that we all knew (and loved?)).

12. At this point my tape appeared to skip to another story all together - Doctor Four and Romana are punting on the Cam, showing off about all the literary and scientific genii they’ve met (beside themselves). Ah, that’s a relief - the ice-cream cone’s just taken them off, but only for something to go wrong on the transference (so instead of the Death Zone they end up in pixellated purgatory). Serves one of them right for being too grumpy to come back, I say.

13. Back to Doctor Five - all this cosmic indigestion is taking its toll, leaving him faint and weak and pretty bloody useless to be honest (it’s like ‘Castrovalva’ without the silly hats). But as Davison does emasculated in his sleep, then who are we to complain?

14. Fear not - help’s on its way. Oh, apparently the Master was the only one free; still, he is cunning, experienced (and possibly expendable) and you just can’t get the staff these days (though why Flavia and the Castellan are so up for his involvement is anyone’s guess. No wonder Borusa’s looking so pissed off in his latest regeneration.)

15. Meanwhile, that old-man-who-looks-less-like-Hartnell-than-his-chess-piece is now wandering around some metal-walled corridors as though he’s got lost in a garden centre. And the woman who claims to be his granddaughter was evidently expecting rain when she left the house that morning. But just to cheer them up, an old acquaintance has dropped in for tea…

16. …or a quick extermination. On which note I must say is that it? Twenty bloody years and all we get is one Dalek blasting itself to smithereens in a reflective cul-de-sac (albeit revealing a nice mutant inside). If I’d been Terry Nation I’d have sued (but then knowing his agent of late, he probably did).

17. Doctor One and Susan recognise the Dark Tower and realise they’re on Gallifrey ‘in the Death Zone’ (which is more background than the two of them ever gave us in over a year back in the 60s).

18. The Brig and Mr I-hope-that-fur’s-a-fake have also arrived in the Death Zone (think the Eye of Orion, but with more slate and less ionic bombardment). I wonder what that silver figure in the distance could be (not to mention that silver hand that tries to relieve the Brigadier of his overcoat). It couldn’t be - could it?

19. Pertwee’s also in the Zone (though has happily been able to keep the car, seeing as he’s such a lazy sod). ‘Now what?’ he ponders, clearly the happy-go-lucky, patronising twat he always was.

20. Clearly the years have not been kind to Sarah-Jane - all that TARDIS travelling has made her unable to traverse gentle embankments without taking a dive like Michael Owen (giving us a ‘cliff-hanger’ of oxymoronic standards). Could she possibly have survived the ‘The Grass-Stains of Doom’? Tune in next time…

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about the first twenty-five minutes or so of ‘The Five Doctors’: in Terrance Dicks’ original draft, the Fourth Doctor was meant to be paired with a talking cabbage; until the cabbage took offence at being told to ‘Piss Off’ during rehearsals.)