Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

"THE DALEKS OFFER YOU LIFE!"

The Daleks are the only alien race to successfully take over Earth. And in only their second story to boot. Go Daleks! Somehow, I imagined that the story would be filled with drama, suspense and action. Then I watched it and realised that, of course, it was filmed in the 60s and would therefore be impossible to take seriously in this day and age.

Still, I gave it a go, and I can see how something like this would be riveting when it was first shown. Sadly, time really hasn't been too kind and for someone only just getting into Doctor Who, you could do a LOT better. Hmm. So the Daleks have taken over Earth and our heroes have joined the rebellion aiming to defeat them. So far so Buck Rogers. There's all sorts of happy chappies to divert our attention - Dortmun, in particular, and David Campbell being two highlights of the crew.

But what makes this serial special is... hmm! Daleks in London. Yes. The first few episodes have been building up to this, and finally the pay-off - some very nice shots of the Daleks sightseeing in London, which is utterly ruined by some god-awful music. What's that? Flaws? Oo, well if you insist. Deep breath now, you tend to spot a lot of these when there's little else to focus on...

- The Dalek spaceship looks like two plates stuck together.
- The numberous bombs all look absolutely ridiculous, with Team Earth's looking suspiciously similar to ones used in Loony Toons cartoons.
- Carole Ann Ford shattered my glasses with her numberous shreaks.
- That's clearly a little toy model of Ian falling down the mine shaft.
- The Slyther manages to change appearance between episodes 4 and 5 (go on, watch it again and see).
- THE DAL-EKS HAVE NO IN-NER MON-O-LOGUE.
- Their plan to replace the Earth's core with a giant motor is so ridiculous as to defy logic entirely (Earth's hardly unique in having a magnatic core, folks).
- And, to top it off, I was bored throughout most of it.

Still, the last two episode livened up a bit, and there was that lovely ending where the group bade farewell to Susan Foreman. It's actually quite touching, and lovingly written by David Whitaker. Sadly, that's the most moving part of the whole serial. Sadly, I don't recommend this to any new Doctor Who fans, but those who enjoy the classic series will love this.

Ah well. Maybe Peter Cushing will be better, hmm? Bright red Daleks ahoy!

Friday Night, Saturday Morning...

I watched episode six of "Dalek Invasion" very late on Friday night and wrote my review in the wee small hours of Saturday morning. Coming back to it later in the day, rested and refreshed, and having read the other reviewers' comments, I wondered if perhaps I had been too harsh on those final closing moments between Susan and the Doctor - so I watched it again.

So yeah, perhaps it is better than I originally thought. There does seem to have been a genuine attempt to generate some emotion and sadness at the parting of the Doctor and his grand daughter. The comments about tidying her room etc were just the Doc's way of trying to show how much he cared. The final scene as David reaches out to Susan to break that last hold from her past was well done too, and certainly it must have struck some heart strings with the public. I think my real problem is that it did come across as all a bit melodramatic and formal. Hence my "bad acting" claim.

Still, it's good to have differences of opinion between us all. Onwards to Messers Cushing, Castle and Cribbins !

That Was The Invasion That Was

Part the Sixth.

You have to admire the attention to detail of whoever made the bombshaft model, putting a little toy Dalek on the viewing balcony like that. It even looks rather better than the massed ranks of Louis Marx toy Daleks that would later be pressed into service to represent the all-conquering Dalek armies on screen in such stories as Evil and Planet of the Daleks. Although speaking of said Dalek forces, you have to wonder if they lazy sods actually bothered to bring any equipment to Earth with them at all – they don’t even have any winching gear for bringing the bomb back up the shaft, having to rely instead on a bunch of their extremely dim-witted Robomen to pull the thing back up on the end of a rope, for goodness sake.

There’s more attention to detail with the rip down the back of Ian’s jacket, showing that finally someone does get a little dishevelled in the fight against the alien oppressors. You do get the impression though that this was probably something that happened by accident while they were shooting, rather than something that Richard Martin just decided would be a good idea. Ian’s escape from the bomb seems rather fortuitous, to say the least – how rubbish must the Dalek guns be when they take a good five seconds just to burn through a piece of rope?

Barbara’s flummoxing of the black Dalek and his minions with her tales of Hannibal and General Lee has always been one of my favourite scenes in this story, not just because it shows her actually using her initiative and doing something for a change, but because it reminds you of who she is and her background as a history teacher – the series, particularly in its later years, was not always so good at remembering just who exactly the companions were supposed to be. One thing that bothered me though is how exactly those Dalek sucker arms manage to get such a firm grip on the girls? Oh, and the less said about those “you have to hold them because we can’t stick them on” neck clamps, the better.

More frustration with the deficiencies of the production follows as Tyler and the Doctor look at and talk about things the director has no intention of showing us, presumably because he’s run out of money to build any models of the mineworkings. Nonetheless, there is another nice little piece of dialogue relating to the Doctor’s increasing realisation of David and Susan’s relationship here, following on from yesterday’s remark about something cooking – this time it’s “Don’t stop to pick daisies on the way!”

Unfortunately from thereonin it all starts to get a bit wobbly as far as the main story goes, as first of all we get the hyperactive Daleks so excited about their plans they can’t even keep still, and then Terry Nation realises that this is supposed to have been a global invasion rather than simply a conquest of Bedfordshire and hurriedly inserts that ghastly piece of exposition about all the Dalek ships being recalled to the mineworkings, just in time to get caught up in the blast. How convenient! And as for that Dalek which looks right at the bloody Doctor as he and Tyler hide outside the control room… words fail me!

If the Daleks have a camera looking right at where Susan and David are planting bombs, why didn’t they spot them earlier and, you know, do something about it? A little explanation of why what they’re doing causes that Dalek to overheat and not kill the Doctor would have been nice, too, although seeing him standing up to it from the eyestalk’s point of view is a good touch, and a prototype of the infinitely superior scene from The War Machines where he walks towards one of those eponymous creations.

It’s all rather quickly wrapped up then with a couple of feeble Dalek impressions from Barbara and the Doctor, and a shot of freed slaves and Robomen running out of the entrance to the mine like an enthusiastically celebrating crowd of football fans carrying a Dalek mascot. We then get another example of that fine old BBC drama tradition of inserting some stock footage to represent a point of view shot, footage that totally and utterly fails to blend in naturally with the surrounding programme. I had thought this practice was long dead, but was quite surprised and even a little cheered to see an equally rubbish example crop up in Spooks on Thursday night, which just goes to show that some people never learn.

The coda to this story sees us back by the riverbank and the now freed TARDIS, and begins with a dreadful moment of Wells simply standing there waiting for his cue to start walking, rather than moving into shot already carrying the plank of wood away as was presumably intended to be the case. Nonetheless, it doesn’t spoil what is probably the best section of the serial, since the opening episode anyway, as Doctor Who in its originally commissioned form comes to an end. Sydney’s originally-planned fifty-two weeks are up (albeit with only fifty-one episodes shown due to Planet of Giants being cut down, although to balance that out they’d made fifty-four due to having to re-do two), and the first of the regulars is leaving. The format is changed for the very first time, something we’re used to now but must have come as something of a shock then.

It’s a bit cheeky of the Doctor, mind you, to claim that Susan’s been acting up ever since she left Coal Hill, when back in episode one he was the one who was so dead set against it – “that ridiculous school!” Her teachers, or Barbara at least, have clearly realised that something’s brewing with David too, and I love her ‘subtle’ hint to Ian that they should clear off and leave the young’uns to it, a hint he cheerfully ignores, presumably in an attempt to wind Barbara and Susan up.

I can’t say much more about Hartnell’s final speech in the TARDIS than has already been said – it is indeed a classic, so good Lorraine Heggessey even used it when addressing the press at Doctor Who’s press launch in March this year, with reference to her own impending departure from the BBC One Controller’s chair. Although the Doctor’s suggestion that settling down and getting married is what every woman should do jars a bit from our twenty-first century point of view.

Oh, and I’d have kept the TARDIS key, rather than abandoning it as Susan does – after all, you never know when something like that’s going to come in useful, and you’d have thought she’d at least have wanted some sort of souvenir.

All in all then perhaps not a classic, but taken in small doses like this still quite enjoyable, and with some great moments to it that show you why these misty black-and-white days were enough to captivate a nation and start off a legend.

"It's Over..."

The Dalek Invasion of Earth Part 6: Losing the Will to Live

Sigh. It's at times like this I wished I'd chosen The Edge of Destruction to kick off Stripped Down Too. What started as a promising and incredibly ambitious slice of television has sadly degenerated into a slapdash, and frankly monotonous, chore.

At one point Tyler solemnly intones "It's unbelievable" and he ain't kidding. Just look at the evidence:

• Ian's crotch shot
• Bab's yodelling
• A giant metal door that creaks like it's made from solid oak (which would be fine if it was, but it's obviously polystyrene!)
• MUSIC (I use the term very loosely) TURNED UP TO 11!
• Hartnell calling himself a "silly old buffer" which is mad, even for him
• Daleks pinning signs to themselves saying "Kick Me"

OK, I made the last one up, but the scene where the Dalek fails to notice Hartnell, even though it's looking right at him, is the final nail in the coffin. It would take another ten years for the Daleks to be scary again.

The final episode is pretty much more of the same as Terry Nation continues to write scenes that the BBC don't have a chance-in-hell of realising. Why didn't anyone tell him?

"I'm sorry, Terry, but the alligators aren't going to work, and you really need to rethink the whole mine shaft thing. A volcano in Luton could be a bit tricky, too. However, we can (and will) knock up the Slyther in our sleep."

Oh well.

After twenty shambolic minutes of mayhem and mumbling Jenny says the words we've all been waiting to hear: "It's over". Just think - she'll never have to wear that balaclava again...

And then, in the final ten minutes, something rather wonderful happens: Doctor Who suddenly starts to mean something again. The final scene where the Doctor leaves Susan to a life of wet fish and utter desolation with David is one of the series' all-time highlights. It's beautifully written (did Nation have anything to do with it?) and Hartnell and Ford have never been better (admittedly this isn't difficult). Thank God someone had the foresight to write the farewell speech on the wall of the TARDIS or we might have ended up with "One day I'll hmmm blurghbe black. One day. Yes, hmmm, what? Just blow forward in your briefs and prove to me that I am misunderstaken in mind. One day. Constellation!"

But enough of the cheap shots (I'm just angry), this sparkling moment confirms that Doctor Who can be (and invariably is) better than this sorry excuse for a story. I'm just sorry that I put you all through it again.

Here's to the future...

Next: The Powerful Enemy. That'll make a nice change.

"We are the masters of India."

Screen captures for these reviews were generated by playing the DVD on an Apple Macintosh G5 iMac, using the standard Apple DVD player and letting John Cura point his box brownie at the screen.

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 6: Flashpoint

As the machine that goes PING edges effotlessly to the model shot of doom, with Ian inside, squatting as if he's about to deliver his very own payload on a French campsite toilet, the Robomen are getting in on the tug'o'war act. What did I tell you earlier? This is no scifi programme, this is documentary looking at the Olympic Villages of Tomorrow Land. All it needs is a Telle Savalas voice over and we're done.

Throughout this story the Daleks have a severe case of ants in their casings. They're just not standing still, ever. What's really annoying about this entire story, apart from the fact that it started so well, is that some of the direction is actually quite ambitious. We have tracking shots of the Daleks outside their saucer in the fashionable districts of London, shots from on high looking down at Robomen patrolling the quayside, shots from below as the Daleks tower menacingly overhead in their saucer then we have some really shoddy work. Like this, with a Dalek looking straight at the Doctor as he and Tyler "hide". There's even a Dalek point-of-view shot of the Doctor (although why is the sucker cup in shot?). Eat your heart out Joe Ahearne!

The story has been building up, from Susan's point of view, to a momentus ending. And yet there's very little soul searching on the Doctor's part. Just really when we get to the end and he locks her outside the TARDIS. And that speech. We all are fairly familiar with it, thanks mainly to The Five Doctors. Still sends shivers down the back of my neck, but I do keep waiting for Peter Howell's sting to come in just before he says goodbye to Susan. Memorable for other reasons too as Hartnell turns into One Take Billy and completely fails to fluff.

It's the end of an era for the original TARDIS team and the start of a new one for Stripping Down...

'One day, I shall come back...'

To be honest, I’ve been past caring about this story since episode two - so rather than bore you all again as to how lethargic, characterless and painful the past three hours plus of this inaugural week of Stripped Down 2 has been, I’ll just get a few token digs in before I move on to something much, much more important. And I think you’ll agree that that something’s well worth the wait…

Okay, that model of the Dalek capsule is a bog-roll, isn’t it? And I had to smirk when the Robomen chanted ‘Pull’ with all the enthusiasm of a team of chartered accountants on mogadon. ‘We are the masters of India’ - possibly the most bizarre line in a story already choc-full of bizarre lines, and all that stuff with Barbara trying to outwit them with talk of Red Indians (even doing a Red Indian impression at one point to confuse the Robomen) is garbage, surely? Then there’s Francis Chagrin’s score, finally losing all sense of restraint in a cacophony of cymbals and drums that threaten to drown out the dialogue some twenty-odd years before the grand-master himself, Sir Keff of McCulloch. And the Dalek shouldn’t really be able to see his sucker from his own eye point-of-view, should he?

One the plus side, Hartnell at least is on fine form - of which more soon - with his ‘don’t stop to pick daisies’ to David and Susan being both affectionate and witty. Shame about the fluffing, which here almost reaches Tourette’s level; but he’s hardly alone in mangling his script into near incomprehension.

But forget all that - all that matters in this last episode is the final seven minutes, which are quite possibly the most beautiful moments in the whole of 60s Who. ‘Small beautiful events’, someone once said - and the Doctor and his grand-daughter saying goodbye to one another are so tear-jerkingly touching as to forgive even this most mundane of stories. If having to sit through over three hours of turgid, style-less guff always led to such a moment, then it would still be worth it at least nine times out of ten.

Funny how a broken shoe comes to symbolise the paternalistic hold the Doctor and Susan have for one another - she’s unwilling to give up her responsibility towards him, so it is left for him to make the move; shutting her out of the TARDIS forever. And despite all the centuries of adventures and derring-do that await him afterwards, could this be arguably the bravest thing the Doctor has ever - and will ever - do: give up his only blood kin for the sake of her own happiness?

Even such a well-scripted and (unusually for Richard Martin) well directed scene would amount to nothing but for the exemplary way in which Hartnell and Ford say their goodbyes. There’s an emotion here that goes beyond the scripted page, as it’s clear that this first break-up of the original TARDIS team affects both performers deeply. Would that - when the time comes - Billie Piper’s Rose gets as good a send-off…

And isn’t it time - ‘Five Doctors’ aside - that the Doctor and his only known relative finally did have that ‘one day…’ reunion? Given the emotional depth that Russell T Davies has instilled in our beloved show, then I can’t think of a better time than now. And as a side note, is there a more perfect speech to encapsulate the indomitable durability of Doctor Who as a whole? ‘One day, I shall come back…‘; and as we all now know to our immense joy, last March he did.

(I’m off to the south coast - where I just might take in a certain exhibition - for a much-needed week’s R&R from Monday (so will miss the Stripped Down sessions on the Cushing movies) but I’ll see you all back here - bright-eyed and bushy-tailed - for ‘Tomb of the Cybermen’ on Monday week…)

Krakatoa - East Of Luton

  The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Episode Six : Flashpoint

And so, at the end of all things, we come to the finale of our story. For once, it ends with a bang AND a whimper...

Trapped in the model explosives capsule, Ian looks for a chance to do some acting as an electrician and starts pulling wires out at random - desperate to move the plot along. Trying to pull him back up, The RoboMen seem to have decided they are in a version of Treasure Island, with some jolly "Yo heave ho" style chanting. Sparky manages to fuse something and a trap door opens as the cameraman lingers just slightly too long on his crotch. Hang on though - why on earth would you put a trap door in a capsule for explosives? Last time they could pull half the side off, now they need a trap door? Bizarre.

Ian magics a rope from out of nowhere and drops through the trap door (spot the nice touch of his suit jacket being ripped), but those wily Daleks spot the blighter. At last we get some "Exterminate!" action, even if their aim is so poor they hit the rope instead and Ian drops to land by another amazingly convenient exit.

Barbara and Jenny get shoved in to meet the Black Dalek, who is busy explaining the Daleks' plans AGAIN. This causes some of his minions to go into an orgasmic kill-frenzy. Spotting her chance, Barbara starts explaining about Dortmun's bomb only to find out they are totally uninterested. Serves you right, you turncoat! Still this doesn't stop her coming up with some ridiculous story about attacks from Red Indians and the Boston Tea Party. It's worth listening just to hear boss man screech "We are the masters of India!".

Their plan to turn the RoboMen foiled by some canny Dalek footwork, the girls are restrained against the wall by metal collars, which they have to hold with their hands to stop them falling off the wall.

Crawling along the studio floor, Tyler watches while Willy fluffs his lines once again. In a nice subtle moment, the Doctor shows that he is aware that something is going on between Susan and David beyond a mutual love for sewers, so sends them off for a solo mission. Down they go.

Some good quick cuts next - Ian wakes up and goes through creaky door number two to spy on some police brutality; the Daleks in the control room play a round of bumper cars and the "Doc" manages to neutralise the warning system with nothing more than an old spanner. Blocking the fissure with some two by four left by the RoboMen, Ian escapes. But what happened to that slave from a few moments ago?

Releasing the repaired bomb, the Daleks go off to rendezvous with their mates, allowing the Doctor and Tyler to rescue the trapped girls - who at last can put their hands down. Jenny says they have half an hour, but didn't the Black Dalek just say an hour mere seconds ago? So much for continuity.

The Doctor spouts some waffle about "the entire constellation" being in danger, which is a bit over-dramatic. Spotting our two lovebirds on the screen, he is obviously so excited that he declares that they are going to "present" the Daleks' plan and "imololize" them (sounds like George W Bush). Bill's obviously decided that yesterday's exertions where too much and he's forgotten his lines again.

There's a nice eyepiece effect as our remaining Dalek decides he wants to exterminate Tyler straight up his left nostril. David's bombs spoil all his fun though as he loses all power.

At this point, I am rolling on the floor in laughter as Babs (and then the Doctor) do the WORST Dalek impressions in history to get the RoboMen to revolt. Where is Alistair McGowan when you need him? Sorry. Must take this more seriously. Scores of slaves attack the already dead Dalek (brave of them) and Ian turns up just at the right point, having fought his way through his plot line (I went down, I went up, I went down a rope and now ...uh, er...).

Then its a "with one bound they were free" moment as we're back on location and the slaves escape - one carrying a giant inflatable Dalek! Runaway!! Suddenly back on that clifftop, our heroes stand a little too close for comfort (or reality) as the bomb goes off and Bedfordshire is wiped off the map. Toasty. And then...it's over.

What? We are only fifteen minutes in. What about some more Dalek action? Or a nice shot of those saucers exploding? (You mean to say all the Daleks in the whole world were destroyed? How?). But no, because of course we have ten minutes of epilogue and goodbyes.

Susan distracts the Doctor talking about her swanning off with Dave by appealing to his shoe fetish - although he gets a bit fruity talking about "cheeky monkeys" and "taking you in hand". David decides he is going to work the land (and maybe do a spot of part-time D. Tennant impersonating). Shame they forgot to give him a backstory before writing his lines. Go on, pout some more Susan and GET ON WITH IT! It's all so terribly, terribly acted.

The old goat double locks the TARDIS doors and then we have THAT speech. You know, the one from the Five Doctors? William Hartnell gives it his all and I genuinely believe him for once. It's his best moment. Set to cod-medieval music, the TARDIS leaves, fading out to a shot of space...

So how was it for you? Well for me, it was a week of highs and lows. Some classic moments, some appalling acting and some dodgy monsters. The seeds of truly great Who were all there, and as we know, things DO get a lot, lot better. I'm still not quite sure how a 1960's audience would go Dalek-mad after watching it, but maybe I'm jaded in a post-21st century Doctor Who kind of way. Heaven knows people in fifty years time may look back at the Ninth Doctor and laugh at the crap special effects and the lack of 3-D interactivity. Everything has to be taken in the context of it's time.

So at the end of a hectic week (and more words on Doctor Who than I have ever written in my life), it's been a LOT of fun. But as the Doctor said in this very episode - this is "Just the beginning"...

The Tensile Strength of Stupidity

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 5: The Waking Ally

I'm afraid I'm struggling here. And I'm a little late in logging this one too. Are both these occurrences connected? Five episodes in and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel, or even at the end of the mine shaft. Larry and Ian appear to be using a waste bucket made entirely of wobbly cardboard to descend to a touching reunion between Larry and his brother. Which naturally ends in death for both of them.

The playful scene between Susan, David and a damp fish would probably have caused outrage in its day. And it all ends in a passionate clinch - all really quite racy. Doctor's companion galavanting around and indulging in a little tonsil hockey with a person of the opposite sex. In my day the least we expected was some same sex action.

And the exposition between the Daleks in the control room is painful and only seems to serve the soul purpose of allowing Ian to over hear the plan of the metal mutants. Project Degravitate indeed! Well I suppose it's succinct and does exactly what it says on the Dalekenium casing. Their use of visual aids to explain their plan smacks of an Open University programme, Skaro Campus, of course. Thank Davros this will be all over shortly...

Fifty Glorious (mostly) Episodes.

Part the Fifth.

Pity poor William Russell. In 1957 he’s starring in his own glossy ITC film series, on one of the main American networks, in colour no less! Seven years down the line he’s second lead in a black and white multi-camera videotaped BBC drama with a budget Lew Grade would have used up on cigars alone, having to pretend to be threatened by what can only be described as a man with a sack over his head. That’s showbusiness.

To be fair, obviously having realised that their efforts of the previous week were less than spectacular some thought does seem to have gone into making the Slyther look a bit more menacing this time around with a few extra bits and bobs stuck on here and there, although like the old simile of applying lipstick to a pig, it’s a bit of a waste of time all-told. Richard Martin does seem to at last be getting a hang of things in other areas, however – his new tactic of shooting the Daleks from low angles and looking up at them pays dividends, making them seem generally larger and more impressive. You do wonder though why he’s only thinking of this sort of thing when we’re nearly done with the whole business.

On a more nerdy technical level, the fact that this episode is the only one of the serial to exist on 35mm film makes it far clearer and less grainy than the others, and the added restorative sheen of VidFIRE makes it almost look as if it could have been made yesterday – the soundtrack benefits from presumably having the sep-mag track in existence too, as gone is the snakelike sibilance on the esses that affects the previous episodes.

It’s not just technical business that makes this a step-up in quality from the last couple of episodes, however. The writing and performances are generally much better, and the fact that the lead character has actually bothered to take part this week adds something to proceedings. The Doctor’s “leave this creature to his own devices and salvation” line in particular stands out and demonstrates just why he’s not quite like other heroes on television (aside from being a crotchety old man, of course), even though the fight that preceded said comment was yet another example of the frankly rather pathetic battles that dog this production.

He gets another great line later on when he mercifully interrupts Susan and David’s fish-based shenanigans – “I can see something cooking” indicating for the first time that the Doctor is actually quite aware of the growing attraction between his granddaughter and the Scottish resistance fighter, and in many ways is probably about as subtle as nineteen-sixties Doctor Who ever gets. Shame about David’s rather odd “they dare to tamper with the forces of creation?” line a few moments later, mind, although Susan’s rounding off the scene with a complaint about the food getting cold works perfectly. Don’t ask me why, though.

This is also the episode with the two mad women in the woods, who genuinely do seem to have become quite disturbed on all those long, lonely nights under the occupation of the Daleks. They wouldn’t seem out of place in the League of Gentlemen, and it’s quite surreal that it’s from the old crone we get what must be our first proper hint in the dialogue of the story that this is the twenty-second century, when she speaks of the “moving pavements” she saw when visiting London. Her reaction to news of the city’s destruction – “destroyed? Well I never” – does however leave you feeling as if she’s reacting to being told young Neville from down the road is moving to Chesterfield rather than that the capital city has been annihilated and millions killed. After the younger woman has brought the Dalek back there’s a weird moment when she dives into the sugar bag, stuffing it into her mouth with her fingers in a Home Simpson style, which also works surprisingly well and seems quite realistic for someone who’s presumably close to starving pretty much all of the time.

Add to this the nice moment at the end of Larry and Phil’s fatal fight where Phil recognises his brother right at the death – literally – and you have to wonder yet again why everything’s suddenly started moving along so well. It’s as if the production team suddenly turned to each other and went – “You know, how about if we actually try to make this quite good for an episode, just to see if we can?”

Mind you, there is one more ridiculous moment to come before the end – “Unprovoked attack on the London saucer area” – why do the Daleks care about provocation? Who are they, Tony Blair? Is this justification for everything they’ve done all of a sudden? Is The Dalek Invasion of Earth now a parable for modern times, with Earth as Iraq and the Daleks as the allied forces?

Find out next time as we reach the exciting conclusion.

'How long d'you think we've been going down?'

Er, since about five minutes into episode one, Larry.

Actually this isn’t a half bad episode - some nice character moments, the Doctor actually doing more than lying around unconscious in the bushes and a pretty decent cliff-hanger. We’re still in three distinct groups of protagonists, but at least there are finally signs of things coming together.

Let’s start first with the resolution to that ‘cliff-hanger’ - rather optimistic of Ian to fear that the Slyther can actually jump, as there’s more chance of Pete Doherty (Slitheen look-alike, anyone?) going a whole day without making an absolute tit of himself. D’you notice how Larry also says ‘The Slyther, Ian’ which sounds a bit like ‘Slitheen’. I think there’s a pattern emerging here…

Back with Susan and David, and it seems someone’s finally remembered that the Doctor’s slumped somewhere and gone to wake the waking ally (where did Nation get these episode titles from..?) There follows an unusually extreme - though somewhat in character (see ‘An Unearthly Child’) - piece of brutality from Hartnell, as he delightedly clubs down a Roboman; with the rejoinder that he ‘only takes lives when his own is threatened’ hardly providing a case for such actions. I mean poor old Colin Baker got suspended for eighteen months for less!

Meanwhile Jenny - looking increasingly like a midget Ice Warrior in her misguided balaclava - and Barbara have reached the home of two women for whom the prospect of tinned food is the equivalent of manna from heaven. These two - who even the credits deem of so little importance that they’re monikered ‘The Women in the Wood’ - are obviously a bad sort, as one sneaks away to inform the Daleks of their new houseguests in order to get more provisions. And in one of this episode’s many socially gritty moments, the young woman-in-the-woods’ reaction to sugar is almost like a junkie snorting a line of cocaine (like Kate Moss, perhaps - there’s definitely a pattern emerging here…)

As for Ian and Larry, well despite the fact that Larry’s the only person I know who bangs his knee and doesn’t swear, then they get arguably the episode’s best scene. Confronting the Roboman who used to be Larry’s brother, one can’t help but be reminded of the similar scene from ‘Pyramids of Mars’ when the two Scarman brothers face off and Lawrence urges his brother to remember his former humanity. It’s a powerful scene, spoilt only slightly by Phil’s Robo-helmet coming off rather too easily during the struggle. And if they’re all neutralised so easily, it begs the question as to why more haven’t already tried it.

But powerful as that is, it comes nowhere close to the hot and steamy scene where David attempts full-on foreplay with Susan using only a wet fish. Yes, you heard that right - first he dangles it on front of her face, and then they struggle, ending up in a clinch which James Bond and Pussy Galore would be envious of. Christ, snogging in Doctor Who, with nary a time vortex or opened eye of harmony in sight. This is surely about as racy as 60s Who ever got, and it’s just a good thing that Hartnell arrives to swiftly dampen the young lovers’ ardour. I mean, what with the Daleks constantly going on about ‘penetration’, this episode is rapidly becoming thinly-veiled pornography.

But you can’t help but be drawn back to some of the episode’s - and the story’s - many failings. As a script, it doesn’t even begin to pass muster (how does only the Earth have a magnetic core; what does the Daleks ‘controlling living energy’ mean, anyhow; and why does the Roboman patrol leader sound like Michael Palin’s ‘It’s…’ character from the start of Monty Python?) All these questions - and probably more - we don’t really need answering…

And despite the nagging thought of just how long it’s taking the Daleks to dig to the Earth’s core using only human slaves and wicker baskets, that’s still an above par cliff-hanger; as Ian (understandably for once) mistakes the Daleks’ capsule for a safe place to hide, only to be trapped and poised over a precarious drop. How will he get out in time for tomorrow and the final, exciting episode?

Anyone For Some Furry Dice?

The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Episode Five : The Waking Ally

So here we are at the crux of the plot -  the point where everything is explained and all mysteries are revealed. Problem is, after watching this episode, I just don't care about the Dalek Invasion. This story has more up's and downs than...well you know what I mean.

With Ian and Larry trapped on the edge of the bunker at the 15th hole, they - watch out! Here come the man in a sack! Okay the Slyther is a sack with a few wobbly bits attached (including two tree trunks it seems to have grown overnight)  but only barely. It's about as menacing as Auntie Gladys after a few too many sherries. Ian seems petrified to the spot, or maybe he is waiting for the film cut so they can bring in that convenient waste bucket that just APPEARS FROM NOWHERE. Then again, maybe he's just fallen asleep waiting for the Slyther to catch up.

Once inside their skip, Ian decides that the best way to hurt the ridiculous jumping monster is to hit it with a damp sponge. Thourougly soaked, it falls off. Shame the lads dont seem too bothered when the bucket start lowering. Isn't that where you just dispatched the BEM, clever clogs?

In Sewersville, David, Tyler and Susan are climbing down, followed by - Holy Macaroni! It's the Doctor, back from his two weeks in Spain. He's obviously feeling better, coz he's moaning like a good 'un the ungrateful wretch. Tracked by two lumbering RoboMen, we then have the quietest fight since the silent movie era. No grunts, no sound of punches being thrown - just the subdued mad stylings of xylophone man. That's it Doc, just stand and watch the others fight until you can get in with your trusty stick. God, and they say Chris Eccleston's Doctor let others do all the dirty work.

Deep in the woods, Barbara and Condom Head decide to take refuge with two hags who seem to have wandered in from an amateur Shakespeare production in the next studio. Young hag is possibly the worst actress seen so far, mumbling her lines and even more wooden than the fake trees outside. Still, old toothy grin hag gives it a go, and launches into one of Jack Hargreaves' cloth-making documentaries before trying to get high on a tin of condensed milk. Basically, it's dull, dull, dull with only a vision of old woman cackling "No Miss Wright, I expect you to DIE!" to relieve my tedium. You just KNOW they are going to betray our girls for that extra can of Heinz.

Standing still pretending they are going down a mineshaft, Ian has a go at dislodging a large lump of earwax (watch him look at it). Reaching the end of the director's patience, they jump the TWELVE feet the the ground. Gung-ho Chesterton takes it in his stride, but blimey, if I had to drop twelve feet in the dark I would be crapping myself just a little bit more. Needless to say poor old Larry takes a tumble.

Back at Deliverance cottage, old toothy is trying to convince all of us that it really IS the 22nd century. "...moving walkways, astronaut fairs, the Beatles - Oh Damn!". In glides a Dalek, with actually a half decent voice for once. The girls are obviously not frightened at being betrayed though, as they take forever to move the six inches out the door, leaving our witches to gloat over their prize - "Bugger, spam again...".

In the mine, Ian notices that all the Daleks seem to be using is wicker baskets as if they are in a 22nd century version of Walford laundrette - where is all that lovely drilling stuff we saw last time? The slaves come out to do the washing, accompanied by Wells, with another new accent.

The next scene is actually a great sad moment, as Larry recognises and tries to reach his robotised bruv Phil. True, Phil seems to look more like Phil Cool, and that helmet is way dodgy, but it's a meaningful and downbeat end to a good character, especially as his brother seems to finally come to his senses as they die. Awwwww. I liked Larry.

Soppy romance time now as we switch back to the clifftop where David creeps up on Susan with a wet fish. I mean, hasn't he heard of "Do you come here often" instead of a halibut in the kisser? All he wants is a snog and Susan obliges - the hussy. Kissing in Doctor Who? And not even an American producer in sight.

Doc and Tyler interrupt the lovebirds (thank god) and tuck into some rabbit stew. At this point William Hartnell actually has some good lines of dialogue. Meaty (!) stuff about work machines, burying like moles and the flow of energy - not to mention daring to stop them tampering with "the forces of creation". It's all bollocks of course but at least Billy has to work for a living, managing to actually look excited for once. Susan's obviously heard it all before, as she's more bothered about filling her face.

Down in the mine, Ian spots Jen and Babs hefting some grey polystyrene. Incidentally, where do all the rocks go to? Maybe the Daleks are hiding them in their casings to release later when they are jumping the vaulting horse? At this rate it's going to take til episode 327 to get anywhere. While Ian is trying to get himself noticed, Barbara comes up with a plan...

She sells out , the sneaky bitch! Flashing the plans at the Dalek (who decides to stare at the ceiling instead and just pretend he can read), Barbara wangles herself an audience with old Blackie himself, while Ian is just told to get lost.

In the Dalek Control Room - here come boss squeaky wheels himself - full of plans about his "penetrative explosives" (Ooo Er). I have to admit, at this point my brain switched off, so incomprehensible was the technobabble - and I've seen a LOT of Star Trek. In summary, the Daleks want to hollow out the Earth and use it as some kind of cosmic camper van? Replete with nodding dog and a set of humoungous speakers attached to Asia no doubt. Banging out wicked bongo and xlylophone dub as they cruise round chatting up all the "laideeez"? Five episodes in and this was the best they could come up with? Spare me.

Ian meanwhile has decided the best place to hide is  - inside the explosives capsule! You dumb ape. Still,at least it's made for a reasonably effective cliffhanger, even if the model work is utter tripe.

So who was the Waking Ally? Was it the Doctor? Was it the slaves? Was it Henry, the mild-mannered janitor? Or was it me, for staying awake this long? Could be.

Next: Flashpoint. Otherwise known as "Stop the world, we need to finish the plot". I'll be here til the bitter end. Will you?

Down, Down, Deeper and Down

The Dalek Invasion of Earth Part 5: The Waking Ally

So, here we are at episode five and I've got my hat and a big bottle of HP sauce all set and ready to go. Is there anybody out there still gripped by this story? Would anyone kick themselves to death in frustration if Ian Levine phoned them up with the news that the BBC had accidentally lost the last couple of episodes? Anyone? Nah, thought not.

Episode five kicks off with a fight scene that looks like it's been filmed underwater. I've heard of under-cranking the camera but Richard Martin seems to think that under-cranking the actors is a much better idea. He's wrong. At least the production team realised that the Slyther looked about as threatening as a wet Sunday afternoon and they actually went to the trouble of redesigning it a bit between episodes (well, they stuck some extra claws on it and prayed) but it's still woefully inept; it makes the Shrivenzale look like Godzilla.  And why is it called the Slyther anyway? Surely a more appropriate moniker would have been the Lumberer?

Phew, we are finally given irrefutable proof that this really is the year 2164 when two implausibly dotty women in an shack reminisce about moving pavements, astronaut fairs and - gasp! - heliports! It must be... THE FUTURE! These two women have managed to avoid hard labour by making crappy clothes for the Robomen, although it's never explained why the Daleks insist that they all dress like bin men in the first place. Besides. if it's clothes the Daleks need, why don't they pop into Burtons on their next sightseeing trip? When the harridans sell Barbara and Balaclava-Girl out for a cup of sugar and a mouldy cheese stottie, I half expected them to cry, "Do you want a bag, dear?"

The plot thickens into a sticky mess of happenstance and B-movie cliches until Hartnell suddenly gets a whacking great paragraph of dialogue; payback for bunking off, I guess. It's terrifying, isn't it? Just don't say I didn't warn you. He's all over the place, bless him; how this show ever caught on, I'll never know.

And why do the Daleks take the time to explain their own plan to themselves, just as they're about to implement it? Perhaps some of them forgot what it was they were actually doing during the 200 years it's taken them to drill all the way to the earth's core. And what a plan it is!

I mean, why? What's the bloody point? What possible use can a planet that you can drive around the universe actually have? Maybe it's a status symbol. Maybe the earth is needed for an intergalactic game of pool. Maybe they're just taking the piss. Who knows? It's hardly surprising that Ian nearly falls over in astonishment when he hears what's in store for his home planet. And what better way to stop the Dalek's nefarious plans than to accidentally trap yourself in the... er... thing. Doh!

And finally, who, or what, is the 'Waking Ally'? Hmmm? Yet another Terry Nation episode that fails to deliver. Now there's a surprise.

Next: the end. Please tell me it's the end!

How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

As no doubt U2 and David Campbell could answer, very, very easily it seems. Just bang it around a bit, and when that doesn’t work just stamp on it, empty some acid on its controls and - voila - certain nuclear Armageddon averted.

The absurdity of all this is apparently too much for Hartnell, who goes all giddy and slumps into the undergrowth for the rest of the episode. Think that’s unusual? Well you’ve obviously not seen Susan’s reaction, as she retreats all of two feet when advised to ‘keep well back’. Hope the silly cow does get blown up, frankly, as she’s particularly useless and pathetic here - which, for someone for whom staying upright without shattering a metatarsal is a lifelong ambition, is saying something…

At least all this sub-Reeves and Mortimer stuff distracts from the general meandering of this most meandering of episodes. We’re now in three distinct groups, with David and Susan (not to mention the Doctor in the undergrowth), Ian and rebel chum and Jenny and Barbara making their way oh so slowly to the Bedfordshire mine (where the Daleks are doing something mighty secret, don’t forget). Of the three, Jenny and Barbara are clearly making the pluckiest pair (though Jenny’s ‘Do you know the way to Bedfordshire’ absolutely demands a ‘No, but you hum it and I’ll play it’ response from Barbara).

Meanwhile Ian and his fellow refugee are surprised to find that Nicolas Smith of Are You Being Served fame is also at the mine, comedy jug ears well and truly in place (though whether Mrs Slocombe’s pussy is one of the many terrors awaiting them in the sewers is, sadly, not revealed). There’s then some more thrilling lingual gymnastics from one of the Robomen, during which Ian very nearly manages to fall asleep during a fight - talk about punch drunk. Then a sneering no-gooder called Ashton (played somewhat more memorably by Philip Madoc in the film version) offers to help them out in exchange for such typically sought after 22^nd commodities as gold and metal. He also has the episode’s most surreal line, as he asks Ian if he’s ‘one of those ‘Brotherhood of Man’ kind of people?’; to which Ian is presumably meant to hitch up his flares and start singing ‘Save all your kisses for me’…

Happily, we know we’re in a Terry Nation episode when the sight of a Dalek slave-force carrying rocks and boulders appears on screen and Ian points rather exaggeratedly at a cable car overhead (in the episode’s best Ed Wood-tribute moment). Then there’s that completely unrelated title - ‘The End of Tomorrow’ - which is a bit like Terrance Dicks having a chapter title called ‘Escape to Danger’, I guess. All of which doesn’t amount to much of a hill of beans in what is rapidly becoming the dreariest, most coma-inducing Who I care to remember seeing.

But between Susan obviously preparing her leaving speech one minute and the Daleks apparently having the Doctor Who titles on their monitors the next, the episode’s piece-de-resistance is surely the Slyther - part Erato, part Myrka, and all Blue Peter Design-a-Monster competition winner. That it makes some kind of Cornish yodelling off-screen is just the icing on the cake. They should really have stuck to the stock use of baby alligators - above which Susan dangles precariously at one stage - because the budget for the previous three episodes never suggested that a green bag with a claw was going to be anything less than laughable.

I’m starting to think that - much like the Robin Williams joke about people who snort cocaine having too much money - someone who buys this story just to slag it off on the Internet has far, far too much spare cash lying around. There are charities going penniless because of this.

Still, at least it makes sense that we‘ve had to wait five episodes for ‘The Waking Ally’ - I mean, would you want to come to prematurely for this..?

The Dalek Invasion of Grace Brothers

William Hartnell does not appear in this review.

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 4: The End of Tomorrow

The Dalek bomb seems to be completely powered by Windy Miller's windmill. Listen, you can hear the sails going round and round and round. Sneaky of the production designer to get in a dig about the Chelsea first team of 1958. The two words that would have appeared on the next panel along were to be "OF" and "BOLLOCKS". And when Jenny asks if Barbara knows the way to Bedfordshire she could have spontaneously burst into a song and dance number in a Tony Christie stylee.

The Daleks appear to have dual objectives here. Not only are they mining out the core of the planet but they're also attempting to produce a gold medal winning Tug'o'War team. Perhaps it's Olympic year. And then Ian gets mistaken for Captain Peacock by Mr Rumbold. That's probably because his suit is immaculate, impressive as he's been having a torrid time of it lately. Reminds me of those Saturday morning serials from the late 40s, like King of the Rocket Men where their hats just would not come off no matter how many fist fights they got themselves into.

Whilst Susan is down in the sewers, going on about it "smelling worse than an old goat farm" (Big Finish people take note, there's a spin off series here as Susan retells of all the time she ended up in goat farms) her screeching voice could probably have cut through Dalekenium. And the Dalek saucer now appears to resemble more closely a Dalek pie dish. What next, a Dalek cruet set? That could be interesting. Daleks never use pepper-pots because that would be too much like inviting their ancestors round for dinner...

...and I dare say a spot of pepper goes quite well with char-broiled slyther.

Things can only get better

Part the Fourth.

There’s an old interview with Edmund Warwick, dating from around the time of The Five Doctors’ transmission, done with whatever local newspaper it was that covered the area where he lived at the time. In it, everyone’s favourite First Doctor stand-in complained bitterly about not having been given the role in the twentieth anniversary special, presumably on the assumption that the fact that twenty years beforehand he’d looked enough like Hartnell to be able to pass for him, from behind, in a wig, made him the obvious candidate. Presumably, if John Nathan-Turner had gone for him, he’d have also considered replacing Tom Baker with Terry Walsh based on his performance in The Sontaran Experiment.

Edmund Warwick at least can’t really be criticised for the adequate manner in which he delivers his ‘Shhhhhh!’ line and executes his graceful fall here, which actually marks his performance out from the rest of the episode, in which there is frankly a very great deal to criticise indeed. The utterly pathetic bomb-defusing scene gets things off to a bad start, with the complete mismatch of the studio bomb with the one some scene hand is pouring something over in a BBC car park. Added to this one of the worst instances of a stereotype ‘wobbly set’ seen so far in the story – look at the bollard by the bomb as Susan brushes past it – and the rather dodgily-scripted idea that the Daleks won’t have any way of knowing if the bomb has actually gone off or not, or would even bother to check.

It’s almost as if we’ve slipped into some comedy skit of Doctor Who, an impression reinforced when it seems as if Barbara and Jenny are about to break into a music hall routine – “Do you know the route to Bedfordshire?” No, but you hum a few bars and I’ll join in… Incidentally, speaking of the dynamic duo, what sort of spectacular parades do they have in the twenty-second century that involve the use of dustcarts? Glamorous, eh? Have they by then replaced open-top buses perhaps as the vehicle of choices for celebrating sports teams?

The rest of the episode is pretty much a parade of candidates for ‘worst special effect or prop ever seen in Doctor Who.” First of all you might think a surefire winner would be the Roboman with ‘charged’ scrawled across his helmet by the hand of some nervous three-year-old, in a manner that makes the TARDIS’s ‘fault locator’ label look positively professionally printed.

But no! Mere moments later we’re treated to an even worse effort, the zooming in and out on the already underwhelming Dalek spaceship model, presumably under the sadly misguided impression that this nifty piece of camerawork is going to turn it into an impressive piece of work and genuinely fool the audience into believing the Daleks have landed.

And then there’s more! The least-threatening amphibious creature ever committed to videotape is rustled up to try and make it seem as if Susan’s ankles are in some sort of mortal peril. Richard Martin tries – well, tries in as much as he ever does, which in the studio is not a lot – but doesn’t really help with trying to make this tiny creature seem the least bit threatening.

And who’s that saying ‘careful’ to Susan, just as she’s getting onto the ladder, at about 20.26? It doesn’t sound like David. He’s just said it in the shot before, anyway. One of the production crew getting worried she might fall off, perhaps?

The Slyther brings a bad episode down to a frankly rubbish conclusion. Even the half-decent character of Ashton can’t save this from being the weakest of the lot so far, and it doesn’t hold out much hope for next week’s celebratory 50^th ever episode.

Are You Being Exterminated ?

The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Episode 4 : The End Of Tomorrow

In summary: Shorter scenes, better dialogue, an interesting new character - but the worst monster this side of the Myrka. I'm still enjoying watching this you know.

When last we left out hapless heroes, they were being menaced by the horror of Danger! Unexploded Plot Device. In the time between episodes David has obviously decided to give up the ghost and join the Wurzels revival - hence his method acting chewing of a straw. Shame he forgot he actually had to speak.

William Hartnell gives a Shakespearean-like delivery of his solitary "Shhhh" before keeling over and vanishing again (if it was really him in the first place). What is this? Doctor AWOL? Honestly, it's a bit much whooping the public up into a Doctor Who / Dalek frenzy and then having the main character not even appear for two episodes.

Susan's screaming continues to shatter the eardrums and she leaves it to Dave to dismantle Mr Clockwork Bomb by having a good whizz - I mean pouring some convenient acid - over it. Nice acid effects though, but wot - no detonator? He then conveniently suggests they leave the actor playing William Hartnell this week behind while they go for a quick fumble in the sewers.

We then get quite a nice bit of chat between Babs and Jenny, with the former actually managing to look genuinely worried under the weight of all that hair.

At the mine site, Ian and Larry Madison are hiding from the Daleks, who sound like they are digging up the Bedford Bypass, when - look - its a location shot! Cue a great little scene with Daleks on the verge of falling over, stock shots of REAL mines, and some impressively down-trodden-looking slaves. A few are smiling a bit too much though, in that "Look at me Ma, I'm going to be on telly" kind of way.

Then suddenly, as if by magic, its Mr Rumbold ! With Mrs Slocombe's pussy obviously being dead for 150 years (I know, crap joke but someone had to do it), he is mysteriously masquerading here as Wells, the foreman with the comedy Somerset accent and slightly more hair. He tries to help against a suspicious RoboMan (at last - one with slightly more intelligence) but all he gets for his troubles is a whack on the noggin. Luckily Ian confuses Robo Stooge with some zen-like logic, so they can ambush him in what seems like a shed filled with old bicycle parts.

Back at the museum, Jenny is busy pumping tires while Barbara tries to convince us that Dortmun's sacrifice wasn't the complete waste of time (and film) we all know it was. There are some nice character moments here, as Jenny's veneer of a frosty pixie melts slightly to show the weary and battle-hardened woman she has been forced to become.

As the van drives away we can see that the Daleks have been up for some zonal reorganisation as well, creating the new Borough of Faling. There's a nice shot of Dortmun's body as they exit in a cloud of dust.

In the sewers, David is looking very shifty in a "I've got you my pretty" child-catcher kind of way. I'm sure he was about to pounce, the creep,  before being interrupted by the unexpected gunman.

2164's Thelma and Louise indulge in a quick game of Dalek skittles, proving that the galaxy's most evil creatures are no match for a swift dust cart to the outer casing. God, these Daleks really are utter wimps aren't they? Next thing you know they will be having coffee mornings and discussing the latest Jackie Collins bonkbuster. Barbara looks like she is enjoying herself though and I do think it really was her doing the driving.

The Daleks are of course monitoring everything via their psychedelic screen thingy and force our duo to evacuate the van just in time. Can we just pause here to bask in the glory that is the saucer special effect? No? Okay, okay - it's a plate on a string with the cameraman zooming in and out. Honestly, some people have no imagination.

Then, - hang on - has my DVD skipped? Is there a scene missing? All of a sudden the nasty gunman menacing Dave & Sue is good old Tyler! Seriously, I do have to praise Bernard Kay who plays Tyler. He gives a performance here which puts the other two to shame. Just the right amount of tough guy laced with cynicism.

Let's skip past the two girls (Jenny once again in full tit cozy mode) and back to Ian and Larry narrowly missing a sight of this episodes big monster - the Slyther. As I said earlier, I like the way there are all these short scenes this time round. It adds a little bit of pace to the story and a real sense of things happening at the same time.

At last we get to meet the slimy Ashton - the best thing in this episode. Nicely mercenary and some cracking good lines, even with references to Brotherhood of Man AND spurning Ian's unwanted advances. I love the bit where Ian doesn't know what a Slyther is and Aston replies "Where do you come from, mate? Fairyland?". Shame that Mr Rumbold's accent keeps changing every few seconds.

Sewer time again. That bloody David's so insufferably cheery isn't he? Still, he does the manly thing and sends Susan ahead to act falling off a ladder - but she cocks it up and can't even do that properly. Still she does hang around long enough to be menaced by - A NEWT ?! It's a sodding newt! Okay maybe it's a wee baby gator but couldn't they have found some stock footage of a nice juicy Florida alligator? Sigh.

Nearing episodes end, Ashton is still gloating about his spoils of war while the special effects guys outside moan in pain about their lack of budget. Suddenly he is menaced by - well, one of those claw things you see on the games in amusement arcades. The Slyther is revealed in all its glory as a man in a hessian sack and Ashton dies of boredom.

Our plucky lads are trapped between this apparition and the edge of the mine workings. At last! A REAL cliffhanger! Eat your heart out Sylvester McCoy!

Next: The Waking Ally. Maybe William Hartnell has bothered to get out of bed for this one?

The Dalek Self-Build on Earth

The Dalek Invasion of Earth Part 4: The End of Tomorrow

I was making a cup of tea when this episode started and when I returned to the sofa I was flabbergasted to witness somebody urinating over a bomb! Isn't anything sacred?

Ah, you can't beat a good bomb-defusal scene, can you? The sweaty brow, the relentless tick-tick-tick of the timer, the "shall we cut the grey, black, or white wire?", the delicate battle of wits between man and machine...

Sod that - just pour some acid over it and whack it repeatedly with a hammer. I can only assume that David must have thought that the bomb had been built by the Dalek equivalent of a Dortmun.

Which reminds me: if I ever learn to play a musical instrument and form a band, I'm gonna call it Dortmun's Elbow. Who's with me?

Anyway, after weeks of merciless teasing, we finally make it to exotic Bedfordshire where the Daleks are embroiled in a extremely complicated self-build project. And it looks like they can get the builders, even if they are emaciated concentration camp victims. But at least they aren't a bunch of alcoholic stoners who's idea of a hard day's work involves prolonged sessions spent dangling from the scaffolding three sheets to the wind, misreading the plans, siting in a van listening to the cricket, synchronised tea drinking, leaving early, and over-charging. Or is that just me?

Anyway, it appears that the Daleks are trying to penetrate the earth's core with a single pneumatic drill. This implies that the invasion has been going on since 1964 after all, which. let's face it, would explain a lot.

You've got to feel sorry for William Russell; if he's not pointing at stock footage, or peering into the middle distance in the vain hope that it's for a cutaway and not a 45 second master shot, then he's inadvertently flirting with a bandit. Ashton, the black-marketeer (a 60s euphemism, I bet), asks Ian if he's into the camp 1970s flare-fest 'The Brotherhood of Man' (who were obviously undergoing something of a revival in the 22nd century) before offering to "take him out" if "the price is right"! Forget the tepidity of Susan and David's bludgeoning relationship, the sexual tension is taking place in a shack called, funnily enough, The Earth Mover.

The revelation that you can simply run Daleks over in a van, without cracking the windshield, just makes me feel sorry for them. But they're the bloody Terminator compared to the Robomen who somehow manage to make George A. Romero's zombies look like Olympic sprinters. They are pretty cocky as well, seeing as they threaten their captives with their rifle (sorry, ray-gun) still slung over their shoulder. How long do you think it would take them to retrieve it and aim the damn thing? Long enough to run a couple of miles, I reckon.

But the Robomen are the Terminator 2 compared to the Slyther: a proto-Myrka crossed with a carpet. And how can you take a monster seriously when it keeps forgetting it lines and it has to be cued in by the unearthly moans of the floor manager? Twice!

And talking of improbable monsters (not to mention redundant - you've got the Daleks fer christsake, what more do you need!?), Richard Martin still appears to be on the sick, but because Brunel and Goddard were otherwise engaged, the BBC have invited Ed Wood to save the day instead. Cue the baby alligator. Watch out - it'll have one of your toes off!

But it's not all bad news: Hartnell is absolutely fantastic in this episode. His 'urggghhhh', followed by absolutely sod all, is completely flawless. What do you mean, it isn't him?

Next: will Barbara ever pluck up the courage to tell Jenny that her balaclava makes her look like a tit? Will the Slyther remember its lines? Will the Daleks pass the building inspection? Who will we lose from the Stripped Down review team next? Find out tomorrow! May god help us all...

Wooly Prophylactics

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 3: Day of Reckoning

Dortmun, now played by Jon Culshaw, playing Russell Crowe, laments his bomb's complete lack of destructive power. They've even given the metal the Daleks are made out of a name. It's called Dalekenium (chemical symbol is Yj, I believe, and it comes just after Yoghurt, but before Insomnia, in the periodic table). They know nothing much about it, but spent time naming it. Like a student choosing a fancy font for a piece of coursework and not actually writing anything. Obviously tortured at spending too much time on thinking up exotic names for shoddy metal and not enough time on his bomb-making. He's not going to be long for this world.

The balaclava that Jenny's wearing is a joy to behold.  The look is battle chic. It says, "I'm not running, I'm surviving" yet if there were a sophisticated Blue Nun party going on she'd fit right in there. The look that's ready for anything. I think she's actually pulled on a novelty condom by mistake. I know you've got to make do in war time but surely wearing a prophylactic in a fight with Daleks is going a little too far. Just what has she got under there to maintain that pointy summit? A large segment of Toblerone? Some Dairylea cheese? I guess we might never know.

The stand out section of this episode is the Daleks running round a deserted London. And yet it does start looking like a Dalek holiday cine film. After their trip to Earth you can imagine a Dalek couple boring their middle-class neighbours stupid with hours upon hours of footage spooling past...

"Lo-ok. He-re is Geor-ge and me in Lon-don. On the plan-et Ear-rth."

"Oh, that is rii-ight. You went on the Sa-ga In-va-sion Ad-ven-ture tour of the wes-tern spiral arm, did-n't you. How was it?"

"The wea-ther was terr-i-ble, food grea-sy and the ter-rain far from smo-oth."

That is, if they ever return home, and the Doctor doesn't sort them out first. Find out tomorrow in the final part of this thrilling adventure...

What do you mean, 6 parts? Another three days of this? Sweet jam-filled Hartnell!

'This is MY planet - I can't just run off to see what it's like on Venus'

Oh, go on. It’s not like you’re missing much here…

Must be positive, must be positive, must be pos…

Ah, vidfire - isn’t it a truly joyous thing? I don’t know about you, but those pictures from 1964 beam like black-and-white sunshine from my TV set. It’s like the difference between before and after cleaning your specs, like a murky fish tank compared to a clear oasis, like ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’ placed alongside a pacy, well-scripted Robert Holmes story.

The blinkers are well and truly off now - the pictures may be superb but (and I say this with no little irony considering we can now see it as it was originally meant to be seen) there’s precious little worth watching. Even the nostalgic glow has faded and all that’s left is twenty-five minutes of shouting and running about. And smoke bombs.

Yes, about those bombs. The plucky rebels - led by someone called Tyler (who probably little realises that he’s got the same name as every other grizzled Terry Nation anti-hero) have stormed the Dalek shuttle with nothing more harmless than some of those cheap ‘n’ nasty stink bombs that kids used to find so hilarious in school. A few Don & Davey Stott-style bangs later and all that’s left are a few negativised humans and a mild whiff of sulphur. And it took two episodes to plan this…

But it’s nice to know that someone’s still got some sense of clarity - in what could be Doctor Who’s most ‘no shit Sherlock’ moment, Tyler turns on Dortmun back at their HQ with the possibly slander-proof line ‘Your bombs were useless’. But does even this piece of plain talking stop the man from foolishly thinking he’s the 22^nd Century’s equivalent of Guy Fawkes? Not a chance, as Dortmun slips quietly away (while Barbara and Jenny thoughtfully go to the other side of the studio) and confronts the mass (well, at least three) of Daleks who have discovered their secret lair. And then with the most useless throw outside of a Who fan’s PE class, brave Dortmun is joining the great characters-making-futile-gestures-against-the-Daleks club in the sky.

RIP Dortmun - arguably the worst bomb-maker in the history of the world; past, present or future.

In an episode almost devoid of the title character (Hartnell presumably having been given the week off; the Doctor spending his time doing little more than lying unconscious and mumbling incoherently…yes, even more than usual) it’s heartening to see that London itself assume centre stage. In fact, the production team takes something of a leaf out of Russell T Davies’ book and makes sure every recognisable landmark is sight-checked - leading to a quite bizarre three minutes during which Barbara and Jenny wheel the pre-exterminated Dortmun through the early-morning streets to a crescendo of Francis Chagrin’s soundtrack. With Daleks patrolling about - while one seemingly contemplates climbing a flight of steps - and Barbara and Jenny pushing the proto-Davros for all they’re worth, it’s almost like watching some avant-garde French farce. In fact, had I subsequently learned from an Andrew Pixley archive that Jean-Luc Godard himself had directed this sequence, I wouldn’t even have batted an eyelid.

But this fun can’t last forever - soon we’re back in the claustrophobic (but not in a good way) studio sets, with David and Susan sharing some intimate moments talking about putting down roots and going to Venus. This all couldn’t possibly be leading somewhere, could it? Almost as a foreshadowing of the Leela/Andred ‘romance’ of fifteen years later, it seems that the Doctor’s companions can only make romantic attachments to the most limp, ineffectual so-called dishes that seem to be lying around. And the moment when they hear the off-screen death of one of the rebels - replete with radio-comedy-style pronounced footsteps - has to be one of the most Archers-like scenes in televised Doctor Who ever. Why did they never lose the film print of this, leaving the likes of ‘The Celestial Toymaker’ unlistenable without its visuals?

It really is hard to care about what’s going on - the Daleks are characterless and boring (just how did ‘Dalekmania’ kick off just weeks after this episode’s first transmission) while the deaths of the protagonists who we’re supposed to care about are so arbitrary as to provoke anathema, not compassion. Even William Russell - holed up for the duration hiding on the Dalek shuttle - looks bored. And not even the quaint sight of a Dalek mistaking a tailor’s dummy for a rebel can raise a smile.

‘The End of Tomorrow’, tomorrow. Shame it’s not just the end of the story…

The Nazi Invasion of Britain

Part the Third

Okay, so you’re the leader of the Dalek invasion of the planet Earth. Your flying saucer located in the flashest part of fashionable Chelsea has come under attack from a lot of scruffy-looking resistance types, there’s a battle going on, so what do you do in the gap between episodes?

Simple, you nip off and have your colour scheme done, so in the space of about thirty seconds of story time you’ve gone from a sort of stripy colour scheme to the full on Black (or is it Red?) Dalek look. Very fetching. Suits you, sir.

Welsh Larry makes it sound as if he travels by Dalek saucer all the bloody time in his conversation with Ian – the quickest way to travel, apparently, but hardly the safest you would think. Or have some enterprising Daleks taken to offering a cheaper, cleaner alternative to the tube for a quick hop around London?

There are some good moments in the episode. The conversation about running away and never settling down between Susan and David seems bizarrely out of place in a Terry Nation script, but it would be churlish of me to suggest all of Nation’s best lines come from his script editors. It’s interesting to note though that when they’re hiding behind that twig, David doesn’t trust the silly bitch not to open her mouth and keeps his hand firmly placed across it like you would a petulant child throwing a tantrum in a shopping centre. Baker’s death is oddly affecting for someone we hardly know – there he is off to have a bit of a Day of the Triffids style existence in the abandoned south-west, and suddenly he gets rather lamely exterminated by a couple of Daleks. Shame, really.

Oddly, one of the main things that struck me watching the famous ‘Daleks around London’ shots this time around was – “Ooo, they had double yellow lines in 1964. I didn’t know that.” Which is an odd thing to find yourself thinking given that the episode’s supposed to take place two hundred years down the line from then, but as good as the location material is, it does rather forcefully serve to undermine the idea that the episode takes place in anything other than the mid-1960s.

It was still worth doing though for all those glorious shots of abandoned London, something Terry Nation clearly didn’t think the production team would be able to pull off as his scripts evidently suggest a 1950s film they could try and get the rights to use footage from. We wouldn’t see such scenes again until 28 Days Later and its abandoned Westminster Bridge, which uses the same shot almost to the frame as the famous publicity photo that accompanied this serial. And why, since they went to the bother of setting it up for the stills photographer, don’t we actually get that shot in the moving image? Maybe Martin was having a bit of a Keith Boak day, and said shot went the way of the burning sofa dropping in front of the bus.

Listening to this episode on headphones while I watched on my laptop, I was amazed how much talkback you can hear, along with assorted other production noises from off-set. I’ve never noticed this when watching the episode normally on a television set – it’s not as bad therefore as An Unearthly Child, the TARDIS scenes of which are so riddled with talkback it’s almost enough to make you believe there are Daleks lurking somewhere in the console room. But nonetheless it’s there – particularly notable early on, and then later in the museum scenes – and an oddly ghostly reminder of the real world of the television studio that went into making this programme.

Speaking of the museum, if you look at Barbara while she’s pouring the water into the mugs to make them all tea, you can clearly see that she’s one hell of a stingy tea brewer. They must have gotten about a quarter of a mug each, if that. A small but important detail, I feel. Perhaps she’s siphoning most of the water off to aid in the production of her do-it-yourself hairspray, which is clearly keeping that massive ‘do still locked firmly in position.

Dortmun’s death ought to be quite affecting, but it never seems as futile as Baker’s extermination earlier on. It’s not helped by the ridiculous manner in which it’s shot, particularly the fact that the sound of his bomb exploding is heard all of about five seconds after we’ve seen the thing explode in a puff of white dust.

The threat of another explosion brings the episode juddering to a rather sudden halt, as the Daleks seem to have realised that this week’s twenty-five minutes are up and they’d better create some tension quick to wrap things up, so send in a couple of Robomen to leave a great big bomb, a threat which is so scary it’s about to turn William Hartnell into Edmund Warwick…

Day Trippers are Vetoed !

The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Episode Three: Day Of Reckoning

Oh Dear. After two solid episodes, part three is a bit of a letdown, with only those iconic images of the Daleks taking in the sights of Olde London Town to lift the flagging story anywhere near its previous heights. I so wanted to love this episode like the others, but it stank of the dreaded "padding" and the acting has taken a big turn for the worse.

More on those Skaro tourists later, but first we have the resolution of last times cliffhanger. With the Doctor unconscious and the pistons in his sun bed pumping away furiously, its up to our hapless rebel bunch to rescue him, the other prisoners and destroy some Daleks to boot. Shame then that they are about as effective as a group of pensioners on an outing to Skegness!

Suddenly those prison doors on the saucer open easily by waving your hands at the top. Jenny is wearing a balaclava that makes her look like a deformed Noddy and one rebel manages to pull a Dalek down on top of himself. Still, there is the smoke machine on overload and some nega-beam goodness, not to mention someone banging away on the xylophone like a demented gibbon. Plus a quick aside to the rebel base to see Dortmun playing mini-chess, because they have to REALLY make sure we know how clever he is meant to be, and Barbara nearly hitting Ian with one of those useless pumpkin bombs.

In the aftermath at the hideout, there is some appalling fake crying in the background, Dortmun still obsessing about his precious bombs and Barbara looks grimy but without a hair having moved. Only Tyler's dialogue here rings true as he decides to head north, but I still can't get over the fact that he looks a bit like that dodgy Steve from X-Factor.

As the Dalek saucer lifts off for deepest Bedfordshire, Pilot Dalek indulges in a Thunderbirds style countdown. Ian then has the slowest fight in history with a even more moronic robotised Craddock (at least he's stopped moaning) and frees new best friend Madison,who immediately wants to get Craddock out of the way.

Meanwhile, David and Susan are hiding behind a twig while a Dalek has a nice slide and a bit of the old nega violence. David then seems to check Susan's hair for nits and she moans about not having an identity. That's because you can't act girl. Hmmm?

Doctor-support guy arrives just in time to reunite Susan and Granddaddy, and then gets himself killed straight away. So much for that rebel ingenuity.

We are then into the real meat of the episode - those classic images of Daleks patrolling Westminster Bridge and Trafalgar Square as Jenny, Barbara & Dortmun make their escape. It's fantastic (for me) to see those famous images come to life and they seem as unusual today as they must have forty years ago. Still, no time to tarry as those bongos are at it again  - and with some Benny Hill style running across the bridge, a quick race up Whitehall, and before you know it we are at the Albert Memorial.

Here we are treated to the peculiar sight of two Daleks raising their extra long plungers to the sky in salute. Were they scanning the skies? Was it a tribute to the late Queen Vicky? Or were they just turned on by mistaking the Albert Hall for the dome of the Emperor Dalek? Who knows - the scriptwriters obviously don't. Good use of Dalek symbols everywhere though.

Finally our fugitives arrive at the transport museum - which seems to consist of one milk float and a bicycle. Everywhere is adorned with the slogan "Vetoed". Is this the 1960's version of Bad Wolf? Jenny is as miserable as ever and everyone must be stressed because they keep fluffing their lines (There is an awful lot of that going on this episode - and I don't just mean good old Billy Hartnell). Anyway, plenty of time for a nice cuppa.

Realising that he really is a useless sort, Dortmun decides to leave his Acme bomb notes to the Doctor and veeerrryy slooowwlly manages to escape in his wheelchair before Barbara and Miss Sour-puss come back from the other side of the studio. Sacrificing himself to try and give the Daleks a bit of a nasty cough, Dortmun makes his last stand (literally). Shame his bomb was about as effective as one made of flour - throwing Jenny at them would have been far more entertaining. Investigating the source of the futile attack, one canny Dalek mistakenly interrogates a headless dummy - but given Dortmun's acting skills here, maybe it wasn't far wrong. Strange change of lighting too.

Back with a VERY bossy Doctor, Susan simpers around David and nearly causes him to fall down the steps. David is a right little crawler here as he asks the Doc for advice on what to do next - can't you see he just wants to get into your Grand daughter's knickers?

Finally the saucer lands and the Daleks can play on their slide again. Wheeeee!! But things must be hotting up as that crazy xylophone player is back again. Ian and Madison make their escape while the Daleks are looking for the swings.

And then we have one of the silliest cliffhangers so far. Two RoboMen deliver a bomb to where David, Susan and the Doctor are hiding, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON !! We know it's a bomb because it is ticking and going whirrrr...

Next time: The End Of Tomorrow. And with the way things have deteriorated, it just might be.

Doctor Who and the Bongos of Doom

The Dalek Invasion of Earth Part 3: Day of Reckoning

This is it. The moment we've all been waiting for. I spent most of my formative years fantasising about this scene, and when I finally saw it with my own eyes, many, many years later, it didn't disappoint.

Yes, the Daleks go sightseeing in London!

But before we get to that quintessential Who moment, we have to suffer one of the most confusing and cack-handed prison breakouts ever seen on television (unless you count yesterday's news). I mean, what the hell was going on? Perhaps Richard Martin took the day off and Luis Brunel grabbed the directorial reins for a bit? This would explain why the entire sequence is simultaneously surreal and hysterically funny. The net result is that the Daleks come across as a bunch of ineffectual berks who can be defeated by... gasp!... pushing them over! The backlash starts here...

Be honest, who was reminded of a Ghost Train during the scene with the Dalek trundling down the ramp in the alley? But it just gets worse as any menace the Daleks may have built up over the last couple of episodes is unceremoniously crushed when one of them starts interrogating a headless mannequin (or perhaps they've recently been at loggerheads with the Autons?). It's just a short hop from this to the Kit-Kat adverts, lads...

But enough of that - let's skip to the good stuff.