Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

"THE DALEKS OFFER YOU LIFE!"

The Daleks are the only alien race to successfully take over Earth. And in only their second story to boot. Go Daleks! Somehow, I imagined that the story would be filled with drama, suspense and action. Then I watched it and realised that, of course, it was filmed in the 60s and would therefore be impossible to take seriously in this day and age.

Still, I gave it a go, and I can see how something like this would be riveting when it was first shown. Sadly, time really hasn't been too kind and for someone only just getting into Doctor Who, you could do a LOT better. Hmm. So the Daleks have taken over Earth and our heroes have joined the rebellion aiming to defeat them. So far so Buck Rogers. There's all sorts of happy chappies to divert our attention - Dortmun, in particular, and David Campbell being two highlights of the crew.

But what makes this serial special is... hmm! Daleks in London. Yes. The first few episodes have been building up to this, and finally the pay-off - some very nice shots of the Daleks sightseeing in London, which is utterly ruined by some god-awful music. What's that? Flaws? Oo, well if you insist. Deep breath now, you tend to spot a lot of these when there's little else to focus on...

- The Dalek spaceship looks like two plates stuck together.
- The numberous bombs all look absolutely ridiculous, with Team Earth's looking suspiciously similar to ones used in Loony Toons cartoons.
- Carole Ann Ford shattered my glasses with her numberous shreaks.
- That's clearly a little toy model of Ian falling down the mine shaft.
- The Slyther manages to change appearance between episodes 4 and 5 (go on, watch it again and see).
- THE DAL-EKS HAVE NO IN-NER MON-O-LOGUE.
- Their plan to replace the Earth's core with a giant motor is so ridiculous as to defy logic entirely (Earth's hardly unique in having a magnatic core, folks).
- And, to top it off, I was bored throughout most of it.

Still, the last two episode livened up a bit, and there was that lovely ending where the group bade farewell to Susan Foreman. It's actually quite touching, and lovingly written by David Whitaker. Sadly, that's the most moving part of the whole serial. Sadly, I don't recommend this to any new Doctor Who fans, but those who enjoy the classic series will love this.

Ah well. Maybe Peter Cushing will be better, hmm? Bright red Daleks ahoy!

Friday Night, Saturday Morning...

I watched episode six of "Dalek Invasion" very late on Friday night and wrote my review in the wee small hours of Saturday morning. Coming back to it later in the day, rested and refreshed, and having read the other reviewers' comments, I wondered if perhaps I had been too harsh on those final closing moments between Susan and the Doctor - so I watched it again.

So yeah, perhaps it is better than I originally thought. There does seem to have been a genuine attempt to generate some emotion and sadness at the parting of the Doctor and his grand daughter. The comments about tidying her room etc were just the Doc's way of trying to show how much he cared. The final scene as David reaches out to Susan to break that last hold from her past was well done too, and certainly it must have struck some heart strings with the public. I think my real problem is that it did come across as all a bit melodramatic and formal. Hence my "bad acting" claim.

Still, it's good to have differences of opinion between us all. Onwards to Messers Cushing, Castle and Cribbins !

That Was The Invasion That Was

Part the Sixth.

You have to admire the attention to detail of whoever made the bombshaft model, putting a little toy Dalek on the viewing balcony like that. It even looks rather better than the massed ranks of Louis Marx toy Daleks that would later be pressed into service to represent the all-conquering Dalek armies on screen in such stories as Evil and Planet of the Daleks. Although speaking of said Dalek forces, you have to wonder if they lazy sods actually bothered to bring any equipment to Earth with them at all – they don’t even have any winching gear for bringing the bomb back up the shaft, having to rely instead on a bunch of their extremely dim-witted Robomen to pull the thing back up on the end of a rope, for goodness sake.

There’s more attention to detail with the rip down the back of Ian’s jacket, showing that finally someone does get a little dishevelled in the fight against the alien oppressors. You do get the impression though that this was probably something that happened by accident while they were shooting, rather than something that Richard Martin just decided would be a good idea. Ian’s escape from the bomb seems rather fortuitous, to say the least – how rubbish must the Dalek guns be when they take a good five seconds just to burn through a piece of rope?

Barbara’s flummoxing of the black Dalek and his minions with her tales of Hannibal and General Lee has always been one of my favourite scenes in this story, not just because it shows her actually using her initiative and doing something for a change, but because it reminds you of who she is and her background as a history teacher – the series, particularly in its later years, was not always so good at remembering just who exactly the companions were supposed to be. One thing that bothered me though is how exactly those Dalek sucker arms manage to get such a firm grip on the girls? Oh, and the less said about those “you have to hold them because we can’t stick them on” neck clamps, the better.

More frustration with the deficiencies of the production follows as Tyler and the Doctor look at and talk about things the director has no intention of showing us, presumably because he’s run out of money to build any models of the mineworkings. Nonetheless, there is another nice little piece of dialogue relating to the Doctor’s increasing realisation of David and Susan’s relationship here, following on from yesterday’s remark about something cooking – this time it’s “Don’t stop to pick daisies on the way!”

Unfortunately from thereonin it all starts to get a bit wobbly as far as the main story goes, as first of all we get the hyperactive Daleks so excited about their plans they can’t even keep still, and then Terry Nation realises that this is supposed to have been a global invasion rather than simply a conquest of Bedfordshire and hurriedly inserts that ghastly piece of exposition about all the Dalek ships being recalled to the mineworkings, just in time to get caught up in the blast. How convenient! And as for that Dalek which looks right at the bloody Doctor as he and Tyler hide outside the control room… words fail me!

If the Daleks have a camera looking right at where Susan and David are planting bombs, why didn’t they spot them earlier and, you know, do something about it? A little explanation of why what they’re doing causes that Dalek to overheat and not kill the Doctor would have been nice, too, although seeing him standing up to it from the eyestalk’s point of view is a good touch, and a prototype of the infinitely superior scene from The War Machines where he walks towards one of those eponymous creations.

It’s all rather quickly wrapped up then with a couple of feeble Dalek impressions from Barbara and the Doctor, and a shot of freed slaves and Robomen running out of the entrance to the mine like an enthusiastically celebrating crowd of football fans carrying a Dalek mascot. We then get another example of that fine old BBC drama tradition of inserting some stock footage to represent a point of view shot, footage that totally and utterly fails to blend in naturally with the surrounding programme. I had thought this practice was long dead, but was quite surprised and even a little cheered to see an equally rubbish example crop up in Spooks on Thursday night, which just goes to show that some people never learn.

The coda to this story sees us back by the riverbank and the now freed TARDIS, and begins with a dreadful moment of Wells simply standing there waiting for his cue to start walking, rather than moving into shot already carrying the plank of wood away as was presumably intended to be the case. Nonetheless, it doesn’t spoil what is probably the best section of the serial, since the opening episode anyway, as Doctor Who in its originally commissioned form comes to an end. Sydney’s originally-planned fifty-two weeks are up (albeit with only fifty-one episodes shown due to Planet of Giants being cut down, although to balance that out they’d made fifty-four due to having to re-do two), and the first of the regulars is leaving. The format is changed for the very first time, something we’re used to now but must have come as something of a shock then.

It’s a bit cheeky of the Doctor, mind you, to claim that Susan’s been acting up ever since she left Coal Hill, when back in episode one he was the one who was so dead set against it – “that ridiculous school!” Her teachers, or Barbara at least, have clearly realised that something’s brewing with David too, and I love her ‘subtle’ hint to Ian that they should clear off and leave the young’uns to it, a hint he cheerfully ignores, presumably in an attempt to wind Barbara and Susan up.

I can’t say much more about Hartnell’s final speech in the TARDIS than has already been said – it is indeed a classic, so good Lorraine Heggessey even used it when addressing the press at Doctor Who’s press launch in March this year, with reference to her own impending departure from the BBC One Controller’s chair. Although the Doctor’s suggestion that settling down and getting married is what every woman should do jars a bit from our twenty-first century point of view.

Oh, and I’d have kept the TARDIS key, rather than abandoning it as Susan does – after all, you never know when something like that’s going to come in useful, and you’d have thought she’d at least have wanted some sort of souvenir.

All in all then perhaps not a classic, but taken in small doses like this still quite enjoyable, and with some great moments to it that show you why these misty black-and-white days were enough to captivate a nation and start off a legend.

"It's Over..."

The Dalek Invasion of Earth Part 6: Losing the Will to Live

Sigh. It's at times like this I wished I'd chosen The Edge of Destruction to kick off Stripped Down Too. What started as a promising and incredibly ambitious slice of television has sadly degenerated into a slapdash, and frankly monotonous, chore.

At one point Tyler solemnly intones "It's unbelievable" and he ain't kidding. Just look at the evidence:

• Ian's crotch shot
• Bab's yodelling
• A giant metal door that creaks like it's made from solid oak (which would be fine if it was, but it's obviously polystyrene!)
• MUSIC (I use the term very loosely) TURNED UP TO 11!
• Hartnell calling himself a "silly old buffer" which is mad, even for him
• Daleks pinning signs to themselves saying "Kick Me"

OK, I made the last one up, but the scene where the Dalek fails to notice Hartnell, even though it's looking right at him, is the final nail in the coffin. It would take another ten years for the Daleks to be scary again.

The final episode is pretty much more of the same as Terry Nation continues to write scenes that the BBC don't have a chance-in-hell of realising. Why didn't anyone tell him?

"I'm sorry, Terry, but the alligators aren't going to work, and you really need to rethink the whole mine shaft thing. A volcano in Luton could be a bit tricky, too. However, we can (and will) knock up the Slyther in our sleep."

Oh well.

After twenty shambolic minutes of mayhem and mumbling Jenny says the words we've all been waiting to hear: "It's over". Just think - she'll never have to wear that balaclava again...

And then, in the final ten minutes, something rather wonderful happens: Doctor Who suddenly starts to mean something again. The final scene where the Doctor leaves Susan to a life of wet fish and utter desolation with David is one of the series' all-time highlights. It's beautifully written (did Nation have anything to do with it?) and Hartnell and Ford have never been better (admittedly this isn't difficult). Thank God someone had the foresight to write the farewell speech on the wall of the TARDIS or we might have ended up with "One day I'll hmmm blurghbe black. One day. Yes, hmmm, what? Just blow forward in your briefs and prove to me that I am misunderstaken in mind. One day. Constellation!"

But enough of the cheap shots (I'm just angry), this sparkling moment confirms that Doctor Who can be (and invariably is) better than this sorry excuse for a story. I'm just sorry that I put you all through it again.

Here's to the future...

Next: The Powerful Enemy. That'll make a nice change.

"We are the masters of India."

Screen captures for these reviews were generated by playing the DVD on an Apple Macintosh G5 iMac, using the standard Apple DVD player and letting John Cura point his box brownie at the screen.

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 6: Flashpoint

As the machine that goes PING edges effotlessly to the model shot of doom, with Ian inside, squatting as if he's about to deliver his very own payload on a French campsite toilet, the Robomen are getting in on the tug'o'war act. What did I tell you earlier? This is no scifi programme, this is documentary looking at the Olympic Villages of Tomorrow Land. All it needs is a Telle Savalas voice over and we're done.

Throughout this story the Daleks have a severe case of ants in their casings. They're just not standing still, ever. What's really annoying about this entire story, apart from the fact that it started so well, is that some of the direction is actually quite ambitious. We have tracking shots of the Daleks outside their saucer in the fashionable districts of London, shots from on high looking down at Robomen patrolling the quayside, shots from below as the Daleks tower menacingly overhead in their saucer then we have some really shoddy work. Like this, with a Dalek looking straight at the Doctor as he and Tyler "hide". There's even a Dalek point-of-view shot of the Doctor (although why is the sucker cup in shot?). Eat your heart out Joe Ahearne!

The story has been building up, from Susan's point of view, to a momentus ending. And yet there's very little soul searching on the Doctor's part. Just really when we get to the end and he locks her outside the TARDIS. And that speech. We all are fairly familiar with it, thanks mainly to The Five Doctors. Still sends shivers down the back of my neck, but I do keep waiting for Peter Howell's sting to come in just before he says goodbye to Susan. Memorable for other reasons too as Hartnell turns into One Take Billy and completely fails to fluff.

It's the end of an era for the original TARDIS team and the start of a new one for Stripping Down...

'One day, I shall come back...'

To be honest, I’ve been past caring about this story since episode two - so rather than bore you all again as to how lethargic, characterless and painful the past three hours plus of this inaugural week of Stripped Down 2 has been, I’ll just get a few token digs in before I move on to something much, much more important. And I think you’ll agree that that something’s well worth the wait…

Okay, that model of the Dalek capsule is a bog-roll, isn’t it? And I had to smirk when the Robomen chanted ‘Pull’ with all the enthusiasm of a team of chartered accountants on mogadon. ‘We are the masters of India’ - possibly the most bizarre line in a story already choc-full of bizarre lines, and all that stuff with Barbara trying to outwit them with talk of Red Indians (even doing a Red Indian impression at one point to confuse the Robomen) is garbage, surely? Then there’s Francis Chagrin’s score, finally losing all sense of restraint in a cacophony of cymbals and drums that threaten to drown out the dialogue some twenty-odd years before the grand-master himself, Sir Keff of McCulloch. And the Dalek shouldn’t really be able to see his sucker from his own eye point-of-view, should he?

One the plus side, Hartnell at least is on fine form - of which more soon - with his ‘don’t stop to pick daisies’ to David and Susan being both affectionate and witty. Shame about the fluffing, which here almost reaches Tourette’s level; but he’s hardly alone in mangling his script into near incomprehension.

But forget all that - all that matters in this last episode is the final seven minutes, which are quite possibly the most beautiful moments in the whole of 60s Who. ‘Small beautiful events’, someone once said - and the Doctor and his grand-daughter saying goodbye to one another are so tear-jerkingly touching as to forgive even this most mundane of stories. If having to sit through over three hours of turgid, style-less guff always led to such a moment, then it would still be worth it at least nine times out of ten.

Funny how a broken shoe comes to symbolise the paternalistic hold the Doctor and Susan have for one another - she’s unwilling to give up her responsibility towards him, so it is left for him to make the move; shutting her out of the TARDIS forever. And despite all the centuries of adventures and derring-do that await him afterwards, could this be arguably the bravest thing the Doctor has ever - and will ever - do: give up his only blood kin for the sake of her own happiness?

Even such a well-scripted and (unusually for Richard Martin) well directed scene would amount to nothing but for the exemplary way in which Hartnell and Ford say their goodbyes. There’s an emotion here that goes beyond the scripted page, as it’s clear that this first break-up of the original TARDIS team affects both performers deeply. Would that - when the time comes - Billie Piper’s Rose gets as good a send-off…

And isn’t it time - ‘Five Doctors’ aside - that the Doctor and his only known relative finally did have that ‘one day…’ reunion? Given the emotional depth that Russell T Davies has instilled in our beloved show, then I can’t think of a better time than now. And as a side note, is there a more perfect speech to encapsulate the indomitable durability of Doctor Who as a whole? ‘One day, I shall come back…‘; and as we all now know to our immense joy, last March he did.

(I’m off to the south coast - where I just might take in a certain exhibition - for a much-needed week’s R&R from Monday (so will miss the Stripped Down sessions on the Cushing movies) but I’ll see you all back here - bright-eyed and bushy-tailed - for ‘Tomb of the Cybermen’ on Monday week…)

Krakatoa - East Of Luton

  The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Episode Six : Flashpoint

And so, at the end of all things, we come to the finale of our story. For once, it ends with a bang AND a whimper...

Trapped in the model explosives capsule, Ian looks for a chance to do some acting as an electrician and starts pulling wires out at random - desperate to move the plot along. Trying to pull him back up, The RoboMen seem to have decided they are in a version of Treasure Island, with some jolly "Yo heave ho" style chanting. Sparky manages to fuse something and a trap door opens as the cameraman lingers just slightly too long on his crotch. Hang on though - why on earth would you put a trap door in a capsule for explosives? Last time they could pull half the side off, now they need a trap door? Bizarre.

Ian magics a rope from out of nowhere and drops through the trap door (spot the nice touch of his suit jacket being ripped), but those wily Daleks spot the blighter. At last we get some "Exterminate!" action, even if their aim is so poor they hit the rope instead and Ian drops to land by another amazingly convenient exit.

Barbara and Jenny get shoved in to meet the Black Dalek, who is busy explaining the Daleks' plans AGAIN. This causes some of his minions to go into an orgasmic kill-frenzy. Spotting her chance, Barbara starts explaining about Dortmun's bomb only to find out they are totally uninterested. Serves you right, you turncoat! Still this doesn't stop her coming up with some ridiculous story about attacks from Red Indians and the Boston Tea Party. It's worth listening just to hear boss man screech "We are the masters of India!".

Their plan to turn the RoboMen foiled by some canny Dalek footwork, the girls are restrained against the wall by metal collars, which they have to hold with their hands to stop them falling off the wall.

Crawling along the studio floor, Tyler watches while Willy fluffs his lines once again. In a nice subtle moment, the Doctor shows that he is aware that something is going on between Susan and David beyond a mutual love for sewers, so sends them off for a solo mission. Down they go.

Some good quick cuts next - Ian wakes up and goes through creaky door number two to spy on some police brutality; the Daleks in the control room play a round of bumper cars and the "Doc" manages to neutralise the warning system with nothing more than an old spanner. Blocking the fissure with some two by four left by the RoboMen, Ian escapes. But what happened to that slave from a few moments ago?

Releasing the repaired bomb, the Daleks go off to rendezvous with their mates, allowing the Doctor and Tyler to rescue the trapped girls - who at last can put their hands down. Jenny says they have half an hour, but didn't the Black Dalek just say an hour mere seconds ago? So much for continuity.

The Doctor spouts some waffle about "the entire constellation" being in danger, which is a bit over-dramatic. Spotting our two lovebirds on the screen, he is obviously so excited that he declares that they are going to "present" the Daleks' plan and "imololize" them (sounds like George W Bush). Bill's obviously decided that yesterday's exertions where too much and he's forgotten his lines again.

There's a nice eyepiece effect as our remaining Dalek decides he wants to exterminate Tyler straight up his left nostril. David's bombs spoil all his fun though as he loses all power.

At this point, I am rolling on the floor in laughter as Babs (and then the Doctor) do the WORST Dalek impressions in history to get the RoboMen to revolt. Where is Alistair McGowan when you need him? Sorry. Must take this more seriously. Scores of slaves attack the already dead Dalek (brave of them) and Ian turns up just at the right point, having fought his way through his plot line (I went down, I went up, I went down a rope and now ...uh, er...).

Then its a "with one bound they were free" moment as we're back on location and the slaves escape - one carrying a giant inflatable Dalek! Runaway!! Suddenly back on that clifftop, our heroes stand a little too close for comfort (or reality) as the bomb goes off and Bedfordshire is wiped off the map. Toasty. And then...it's over.

What? We are only fifteen minutes in. What about some more Dalek action? Or a nice shot of those saucers exploding? (You mean to say all the Daleks in the whole world were destroyed? How?). But no, because of course we have ten minutes of epilogue and goodbyes.

Susan distracts the Doctor talking about her swanning off with Dave by appealing to his shoe fetish - although he gets a bit fruity talking about "cheeky monkeys" and "taking you in hand". David decides he is going to work the land (and maybe do a spot of part-time D. Tennant impersonating). Shame they forgot to give him a backstory before writing his lines. Go on, pout some more Susan and GET ON WITH IT! It's all so terribly, terribly acted.

The old goat double locks the TARDIS doors and then we have THAT speech. You know, the one from the Five Doctors? William Hartnell gives it his all and I genuinely believe him for once. It's his best moment. Set to cod-medieval music, the TARDIS leaves, fading out to a shot of space...

So how was it for you? Well for me, it was a week of highs and lows. Some classic moments, some appalling acting and some dodgy monsters. The seeds of truly great Who were all there, and as we know, things DO get a lot, lot better. I'm still not quite sure how a 1960's audience would go Dalek-mad after watching it, but maybe I'm jaded in a post-21st century Doctor Who kind of way. Heaven knows people in fifty years time may look back at the Ninth Doctor and laugh at the crap special effects and the lack of 3-D interactivity. Everything has to be taken in the context of it's time.

So at the end of a hectic week (and more words on Doctor Who than I have ever written in my life), it's been a LOT of fun. But as the Doctor said in this very episode - this is "Just the beginning"...

The Tensile Strength of Stupidity

The Dalek Invasion of Earth - 5: The Waking Ally

I'm afraid I'm struggling here. And I'm a little late in logging this one too. Are both these occurrences connected? Five episodes in and there's still no light at the end of the tunnel, or even at the end of the mine shaft. Larry and Ian appear to be using a waste bucket made entirely of wobbly cardboard to descend to a touching reunion between Larry and his brother. Which naturally ends in death for both of them.

The playful scene between Susan, David and a damp fish would probably have caused outrage in its day. And it all ends in a passionate clinch - all really quite racy. Doctor's companion galavanting around and indulging in a little tonsil hockey with a person of the opposite sex. In my day the least we expected was some same sex action.

And the exposition between the Daleks in the control room is painful and only seems to serve the soul purpose of allowing Ian to over hear the plan of the metal mutants. Project Degravitate indeed! Well I suppose it's succinct and does exactly what it says on the Dalekenium casing. Their use of visual aids to explain their plan smacks of an Open University programme, Skaro Campus, of course. Thank Davros this will be all over shortly...

Fifty Glorious (mostly) Episodes.

Part the Fifth.

Pity poor William Russell. In 1957 he’s starring in his own glossy ITC film series, on one of the main American networks, in colour no less! Seven years down the line he’s second lead in a black and white multi-camera videotaped BBC drama with a budget Lew Grade would have used up on cigars alone, having to pretend to be threatened by what can only be described as a man with a sack over his head. That’s showbusiness.

To be fair, obviously having realised that their efforts of the previous week were less than spectacular some thought does seem to have gone into making the Slyther look a bit more menacing this time around with a few extra bits and bobs stuck on here and there, although like the old simile of applying lipstick to a pig, it’s a bit of a waste of time all-told. Richard Martin does seem to at last be getting a hang of things in other areas, however – his new tactic of shooting the Daleks from low angles and looking up at them pays dividends, making them seem generally larger and more impressive. You do wonder though why he’s only thinking of this sort of thing when we’re nearly done with the whole business.

On a more nerdy technical level, the fact that this episode is the only one of the serial to exist on 35mm film makes it far clearer and less grainy than the others, and the added restorative sheen of VidFIRE makes it almost look as if it could have been made yesterday – the soundtrack benefits from presumably having the sep-mag track in existence too, as gone is the snakelike sibilance on the esses that affects the previous episodes.

It’s not just technical business that makes this a step-up in quality from the last couple of episodes, however. The writing and performances are generally much better, and the fact that the lead character has actually bothered to take part this week adds something to proceedings. The Doctor’s “leave this creature to his own devices and salvation” line in particular stands out and demonstrates just why he’s not quite like other heroes on television (aside from being a crotchety old man, of course), even though the fight that preceded said comment was yet another example of the frankly rather pathetic battles that dog this production.

He gets another great line later on when he mercifully interrupts Susan and David’s fish-based shenanigans – “I can see something cooking” indicating for the first time that the Doctor is actually quite aware of the growing attraction between his granddaughter and the Scottish resistance fighter, and in many ways is probably about as subtle as nineteen-sixties Doctor Who ever gets. Shame about David’s rather odd “they dare to tamper with the forces of creation?” line a few moments later, mind, although Susan’s rounding off the scene with a complaint about the food getting cold works perfectly. Don’t ask me why, though.

This is also the episode with the two mad women in the woods, who genuinely do seem to have become quite disturbed on all those long, lonely nights under the occupation of the Daleks. They wouldn’t seem out of place in the League of Gentlemen, and it’s quite surreal that it’s from the old crone we get what must be our first proper hint in the dialogue of the story that this is the twenty-second century, when she speaks of the “moving pavements” she saw when visiting London. Her reaction to news of the city’s destruction – “destroyed? Well I never” – does however leave you feeling as if she’s reacting to being told young Neville from down the road is moving to Chesterfield rather than that the capital city has been annihilated and millions killed. After the younger woman has brought the Dalek back there’s a weird moment when she dives into the sugar bag, stuffing it into her mouth with her fingers in a Home Simpson style, which also works surprisingly well and seems quite realistic for someone who’s presumably close to starving pretty much all of the time.

Add to this the nice moment at the end of Larry and Phil’s fatal fight where Phil recognises his brother right at the death – literally – and you have to wonder yet again why everything’s suddenly started moving along so well. It’s as if the production team suddenly turned to each other and went – “You know, how about if we actually try to make this quite good for an episode, just to see if we can?”

Mind you, there is one more ridiculous moment to come before the end – “Unprovoked attack on the London saucer area” – why do the Daleks care about provocation? Who are they, Tony Blair? Is this justification for everything they’ve done all of a sudden? Is The Dalek Invasion of Earth now a parable for modern times, with Earth as Iraq and the Daleks as the allied forces?

Find out next time as we reach the exciting conclusion.

'How long d'you think we've been going down?'

Er, since about five minutes into episode one, Larry.

Actually this isn’t a half bad episode - some nice character moments, the Doctor actually doing more than lying around unconscious in the bushes and a pretty decent cliff-hanger. We’re still in three distinct groups of protagonists, but at least there are finally signs of things coming together.

Let’s start first with the resolution to that ‘cliff-hanger’ - rather optimistic of Ian to fear that the Slyther can actually jump, as there’s more chance of Pete Doherty (Slitheen look-alike, anyone?) going a whole day without making an absolute tit of himself. D’you notice how Larry also says ‘The Slyther, Ian’ which sounds a bit like ‘Slitheen’. I think there’s a pattern emerging here…

Back with Susan and David, and it seems someone’s finally remembered that the Doctor’s slumped somewhere and gone to wake the waking ally (where did Nation get these episode titles from..?) There follows an unusually extreme - though somewhat in character (see ‘An Unearthly Child’) - piece of brutality from Hartnell, as he delightedly clubs down a Roboman; with the rejoinder that he ‘only takes lives when his own is threatened’ hardly providing a case for such actions. I mean poor old Colin Baker got suspended for eighteen months for less!

Meanwhile Jenny - looking increasingly like a midget Ice Warrior in her misguided balaclava - and Barbara have reached the home of two women for whom the prospect of tinned food is the equivalent of manna from heaven. These two - who even the credits deem of so little importance that they’re monikered ‘The Women in the Wood’ - are obviously a bad sort, as one sneaks away to inform the Daleks of their new houseguests in order to get more provisions. And in one of this episode’s many socially gritty moments, the young woman-in-the-woods’ reaction to sugar is almost like a junkie snorting a line of cocaine (like Kate Moss, perhaps - there’s definitely a pattern emerging here…)

As for Ian and Larry, well despite the fact that Larry’s the only person I know who bangs his knee and doesn’t swear, then they get arguably the episode’s best scene. Confronting the Roboman who used to be Larry’s brother, one can’t help but be reminded of the similar scene from ‘Pyramids of Mars’ when the two Scarman brothers face off and Lawrence urges his brother to remember his former humanity. It’s a powerful scene, spoilt only slightly by Phil’s Robo-helmet coming off rather too easily during the struggle. And if they’re all neutralised so easily, it begs the question as to why more haven’t already tried it.

But powerful as that is, it comes nowhere close to the hot and steamy scene where David attempts full-on foreplay with Susan using only a wet fish. Yes, you heard that right - first he dangles it on front of her face, and then they struggle, ending up in a clinch which James Bond and Pussy Galore would be envious of. Christ, snogging in Doctor Who, with nary a time vortex or opened eye of harmony in sight. This is surely about as racy as 60s Who ever got, and it’s just a good thing that Hartnell arrives to swiftly dampen the young lovers’ ardour. I mean, what with the Daleks constantly going on about ‘penetration’, this episode is rapidly becoming thinly-veiled pornography.

But you can’t help but be drawn back to some of the episode’s - and the story’s - many failings. As a script, it doesn’t even begin to pass muster (how does only the Earth have a magnetic core; what does the Daleks ‘controlling living energy’ mean, anyhow; and why does the Roboman patrol leader sound like Michael Palin’s ‘It’s…’ character from the start of Monty Python?) All these questions - and probably more - we don’t really need answering…

And despite the nagging thought of just how long it’s taking the Daleks to dig to the Earth’s core using only human slaves and wicker baskets, that’s still an above par cliff-hanger; as Ian (understandably for once) mistakes the Daleks’ capsule for a safe place to hide, only to be trapped and poised over a precarious drop. How will he get out in time for tomorrow and the final, exciting episode?