Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

The Podcast of Axos

Just to let you know that Part 3 of our commentary podcast for The Claws of Axos is now online at the usual place

This week Damon is out in the field looking for the Master (unfortunately, we gave him a photo of Gordon Tipple as a reference) and he is replaced by our very own Sean Alexander (who played Varsh in Full Circle, apparently).

Topics covered include: The Doctor's Annual Appraisal, Ronnie Barker's contribution to the Doctor Who mythos, UNIT hair regulations, Pertwee's nose, the Axon invasion of Kazhikstan and knicker shots.  

"It Seems I'm Some Kind Of A Galactic Yo-Yo"

Well, I'm going to completely ignore any comments about alcohol, drugs and hallucinations and get right on with reviewing the serial, which was actually kinda fun. I find it hard to dislike stuff, so when I do you know there's something wrong with it, but I found this bizarre tale quite enjoyable. Besides Katy Manning, but I won't go there.

An alien ship 'crashlands' on Earth and, as usual, there's someone who wants to blow them up. Instead, the Doctor and UNIT investigate and all sorts of crazy goings on occur. The aliens turn out to be hostile (Oh what a surprise), they drain power from the local power station which provides power to all of England (That's news to me) and the Master joins in the fun by helping to rid the world of meatbags... sorry, humans. This is actually my first encounter with the Master, and it's not exactly the best introduction you could get but it's not all that bad. Anyway, the Doctor wins, the Master escapes and everyone's happy save the families of the victims. Hmm.

The Axons, or rather the Axon (singular), are an interesting villain and if done in the modern series could well prove to be a very effective enemy. Sadly, the primative make-up and costumes leave a lot to be desired - indeed, at one point the Doctor, Jo and Filer are chased by a duvet at the end of episode 2 - but if you ignore that, then the rest of the story is very enjoyable indeed.

Problems? Not many, actually, which is a tad surprising. Aside from the duvet, the only one I can think of is the bluescreen error during the car chase, but that's easily missable if you're not focusing. Unless we look at the Nuclear Safety Procedures, which are suicidal at best. Drive down the road and duck?  I shudder to think what the outh of the day got from that. And then, despite what may well have been a Nuclear explosion, they go back and have a look! Dear oh deary me. Good thing the writers never worked in the Energy Industry, isn't it?

Anyway, I enjoyed it and I think's what counts. Next, Tom Baker. I can't wait for the claims of "Tom Baker was always my favourite Doctor, ever since I was a child..."

- And as a side note, I'm going to be rather active during the week-long break that's coming after the T.Baker fortnight. I'll be reviewing the latest 9th Doctor books, several Doctor Who audios and the two charity Doctor Who specials. Consider yourselves warned!

Back Flips And Time Trips...

Watching this Doctor Who story has been likened by many to a gruelling race. A cross country marathon in the deep snow of midwinter in only your shorts and PE vest, with Bullet Baxter shouting at your heels. After the middle of Episode 3, I felt that I had hit that metaphorical "wall" - the point where endurance is gone and you feel like giving up. Luckily, the Axon invasion of the nuclear station yesterday was enough to give me an energy boost (a bit like a bottle of Red Bull but without the aftertaste), and now I'm in sight of the Westminster bridge finish line that is:

The Claws Of Axos Episode Four:

Trapped in the shuddering bowels of Axos, the Doctor and Jo wander around the same two corridors a few times, pausing only to have a go on what looks like one of those conveyor belt thingy's in a fun house. Jo is so traumatised she decides to have a screaming contest. Somebody slap the bitch please! I'm sure the Doctor wants to really. In fact, it's all gone a bit brain numbingly crazy -  swirling golden faces, lumps of old plasticine (?), bowel clenching music, enough orange to make the man from Tango have a seizure and Axon bubble bath just everywhere. Finally the duo are forcibly ejected from the sphincter like entrance.

Deciding to evacuate the accelerator section, our characters watch as Captain stiff-upper-lip tries to unscrew the ice cream nozzle with only what looks like a Chef's hat and some oven gloves for protection against all that lovely radiation. Needless to say he get electrocuted, but still manages to do a back flip over the rails and across the studio. Gerry Cottle's circus would be proud and all without losing his hairpiece.

Ah, so the "claws" of Axos are embedded deep in the Earth are they Doctor? Smacks a bit of a hastily last minute written piece of dialogue to justify that crummy title. God knows what they would of come up with if they had stuck with "Vampires From Space". Probably some nifty nashers and an aversion to French people.

The Doctor uses the Master's home made Blake's 7 gun to keep his nemesis in line. Somehow it just doesn't seem like something the Doctor would do. However, we do know that wobble-Chinn got him out of the wrong side of bed this morning, so maybe he's justifiably crabby. The UNIT lads use a box brownie to take a butchers at Axos, though it must have a bloody long wire to get the signal back to HQ. Chinn is too busy stuffing his face to be bothered with all that surveillance malarkey. Maybe I can hope he will choke on a chicken bone.

Bill is being true to his roots and starting to mistrust everyone, including the Doctor. Unfortunately it seems he is proved right, as the Time Lord double crosses the human race and forms an alliance with the Master. Jon and Rog give it some gravitas and you honestly believe that this Doctor IS fed up being stuck on our "second rate" planet and would do anything to get free. Some welcome neck rubbing from the Doc too, which has been conspicuously absent from this story - a bit like the Doctor himself.

The two Time Lords are convinced they can fix the TARDIS with the bulb from a 1969 Austin Allegro and some sticky backed plastic. I noticed something interesting here too - apart from being much smaller than in previous (or future) stories, the TARDIS console room doors don't open out into the outside world - you can glimpse a corridor leading around a corner instead. When did that change? I'm sure some Who expert can tell me.

Axos rises out of the ground (probably with a wet sucking sound knowing Bob and Dave) and goes into full alert mode. Racing around in his jeep-mobile, Yates (or is it Benton? I've lost track) is headed off at the pass by some baggy suited Axons out for a stroll. He goes off-road to avoid them and their grapnel ungula of doom. Mmmmm press that slimy spaghetti flesh against the windscreen please Mr Axon. I'm ready for my close-up.

Grenade! Fried Axon anyone as the jeep careers off the track and down a convenient steep slope. The effect boys done good, as its a great shot of the flaming vehicle and its toasty Bologna shaped passenger. Back at the power station, the Doctor appears to be totally ruthless with his ex-friends. I just wished he's kneed Chinn in the bollocks as a farewell present before he winked out of existence.

There's a real sense of being under siege from the troops left behind, as all those extras are put to good use dying in inventive ways. The choreography is great, and for once in this story the UNIT guys act like they belong in the military, even if they do now have the lowest powered grenades in existence. Used up all the good ones with the jeep did we lads?

Inside Axos, where the TARDIS has re-appeared, the Doctor seems to have gone completely off the deep end - offering a deal to let Axos become the first inter-galactic pizza parlour. Much double-crossing ensues, with the Master not quite off the hook yet, allowing Delgado to audition for a mime act in Covent Garden.

Phew, the Doctor hadn't turned bad after all, he was just setting up a Time Loop trap for the Axons. As the prong shaped vessel vanished, so do the Axon bully boys, in an over-abundance of CSO. In the TARDIS, the Axons have arrived to give the Doc a group hug, but he manages to extricate a hand from the mass of flesh to send the TARDIS spinning out of the void.

Needless to say, with having to evacuate the power plant, the Brig takes the posh car and races away to watch Nuton go up in a ball of model flames. That's it you idiots, you've just lost power to the entire country! At least you have prog rock to keep you company (Osric Tentacles?) and the Doctor is back, as he says, like a yo-yo.

Noooo! Chinn is still alive !!!

As I reach the tape and cross the finish line  - all in all, an extremely variable story. Only quality performances from Roger Delgado and the buffoonery of Mr Chinn saved it from being totally humm-drumm. It took the Doctor four episodes to get into the thick of the action, which is far too little too late, and only the tail end of episode three was anything above ordinary. I'm not sure I want to watch it again anytime soon, but maybe I'll delve into those deleted scenes to see if there is one where Chinn gets buggered by an orange tree root.

Barman ! ...

Who's Show Is It Anyway?

Do you know the hardest thing being in this personal time bubble of mine? Trying heroically NOT to read the other reviews that have been already posted, especially the ones about episode 4. The last thing I want to do is make observations that sound too similar to others, or steal someones crap joke without realising it. Of course there only so many things one can say about:

The Claws Of Axos Episode 3 :

Menaced by the acne ridden delivery boys from Pizza Express, Bill, Jo and the Doctor frantically try to look even the tiniest bit scared. The crawling man in the sack amazingly becomes an upright man in a sack with a few twiddly bits stuck on. Bill gets it in the chest from a purple sucker on a stick and passes out from the shock. Meanwhile, the Doctor and his lovely assistant practise a bit of square dancing with their newly "re-personalised" golden pals. It only bores them into submission.

Back at base, the Brig tries to contact Geneva to get rid of the loathesome multi-Chinn, despite the appearance of Tim Nice-But-Dim Piggot-Smith. Lard boy and the one off of "It 'Aint Half Hot Mum" rush to the reactor to learn of the death of Winser. Watch Chinn run in straight-legged as if he desperately needs a pee. Bernard Axon makes up some flibber flabber about radiation, and it turns out the Axons have done a Kim and Aggie and cleaned the place up good and proper.

Inside Axos, Jo and the Doc are held by those trusty red claws, which seem to be having a jolly good feel all over Jo's body. Oh to be an effects operator on that episode! The others Earth morons are duped into thinking that Winser has vanished, and Filer's performance goes up a notch as he lies totally still in a coma.

The Axons finally reveal their master plan - to absorb all matter and SUCK THE EARTH DRY! Not enough that they pollute our minds with their filthy looking ships and tight lycra. No, now they want to give the planet the BJ of it's life and leave it a spent husk. You can imagine Bob Baker and Dave Martin sniggering like naughty schoolboys. "Did you see what we did there? Fnarr Fnarr!"

At last the Brig gets to take over, and watch Chinny gawp as the thought of all the pies he could have bought with the sale of Axonite, vanish into smoke. I got a perverse glee out of that. As for the aliens, well it's a case of "But Axos, we only have 72 hours to infect the Earth".  Chinn's boss pops up on the screen (where was that when he was phoning him last episode?), looking like Doctor Death out of some old Vincent Price horror movie. Someone's been talking to the tabloids (well the UN anyway) and everyone wants a piece of the Axonite.

Bill's in hospital channelling Basil Exposition in his sleep - ramming home the plot points we really couldn't have missed. In the reactor plant, gormless Benton is fooled by the Master wearing a pig's bladder instead of a mask. I've never seen a less convincing disguise. Well not this week. Once inside the Doctor's TARDIS, the Master goes all Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and starts getting critical about the "botch up" controls and the chintzy decor. Doesn't he know white is the new black?

The Doctor is tortured for his secrets of time travel - allowing Jon P to do a bit of gurning worthy of his later role as Worzel Gummidge. It all turns into a bit of a psychedelic trip, followed by Jo being aged 60 years. She looks pretty rough as an old bag, but then the real Katy now looks... well...hmmm... Please turn her back Axos. Forced to think of the equations, Jon has little acting to do except shut his eyes or squint a bit. One of the formulae on screen is "Mega K (Tons)". Is this the Time Lord version of Special K? Designed to keep a 900 year old body fit and trim? Or maybe the TARDIS is just powered by half a bowl of Frosties and a bit of mouldy toast.

So the Axonite is going to be distributed to Canada, America and - Scotland? So much for you fellas in the rest of the world. Giant moose, hamburgers and haggis for all then. Looks like Bill in his stripey PJ's is giving the Brig the real 411 about our sex obsessed alien chums. Too late! Hold that Axon mask on Bernie! We wouldn't want it to fall off. Oh now he's a fully fledged bog monster, lumbering around the power plant with his explosive tentacles and smoking hands. Lets have some drug crazed synth stylings to accompany the mayhem. I have to admit the Axon somehow defies expectations and looks pretty good here. Almost menacing, which is amazing considering the sack travesty fifteen minutes earlier.

Inside the TARDIS, The Master is doing what all good villains should, and talking out loud to himself. The TARDIS is a "second hand gas stove" apparently. Well it certainly looks like he tried to fix the stabiliser with the parts from an old oven. Glimpsing the light accelerator he ventures outside and stupidly gets himself caught. Roger Delgado's scenes here are excellent. He's a believable, three dimensional character who oozes smugness and superiority. He even manages to make a deal with the UNIT boys. The Axons are going to get a blow-back they didn't expect.

The Axos time field doesn't work and the Doctor escapes out of his yellow bubble chair into the maroon maze, where the claws are working overtime without anyone to fondle. Rescuing Jo, they both wobble around in the fun house, trying not to damage the set. Meanwhile the Master is about to blow them up but good...

You know my real problem with this story? The Doctor just isn't in it very much. At times it feels like the "Master and his UNIT pals" show. Admittedly when he is onscreen, Delgado is mesmerising, but shouldn't the shows title character be in it a bit more? I can understand from the Willy Hartnell days when it was on 48 weeks a year - everyone needs a holiday. But here, even if you don't like Pertwee (which I do), you have a right to expect a bit more lead actor with your Mega K.

Next time: Either Chinn dies or the DVD player gets it.

The Axos of Evil

The Claws of Axons Episode 4

The drugs have really kicked in now, as the Doctor and Jo wobble their way through the Axon's ship/funhouse. Balloons, papier mache, Quality Street sweet wrappers, shower curtains and bath mats merge seamlessly together with balls of mince and floating gold heads and Jo, understandably, goes completely bonkers. And if that looks bad on paper you should try watching it. We really do deserve that drink, you know.

Sir George decides to take matters into his own hands by neutralising a nuclear power station armed only with a pair of oven gloves, a welder's hat and a spanner. Oh, and a pair of Nike Air trainers if his backward somersault is anything to go by. It ain't half radioactive, mum.

And now for the best bit. The Master and the Doctor make a pact to bolt from this second rate planet and its third rate star. What exactly is wrong with our sun, that's what I'd like to know. Maybe it's only third rate if you've been exiled to the South East coast of England; apparently it's first-rate in the Caribbean. The Doctor needs the Master's help because the BBC have put a block on the art department's knowledge of creating alien environments (just look at the Axons ship for proof) and it's an edgy moment when the deal is made.

And you almost believe it. Because Pertwee hates everyone he comes into contact with in this episode it's completely feasible that he'd leave them all to their imminent doom. I mean, it's not the first time he's tried to do a runner, is it? However, the fact that he leaves Jo Grant behind makes it blatantly obvious that the Doctor is having the Master (and the audience) on. The cad.

UNIT get to strut their stuff in this episode too, and the explosion on the Jeep is great. In the Doctor Who Book of Made-up Facts (coming soon from Tachyon TV and published by Slim Norwegian Mondas Press) it claims that the burning Jeep continued to coast into a nearby field where it incinerated a small flock of sheep. It took days for the stench of roast lamb to disperse.

Finally, there's lots of stuff to do with time-loops and other technoguff I'd love to explain to you but even the Doctor can't put the plot resolution into words. I think the upshot is that the Axons are f**ked. And something explodes. The Master's fate is unknown. I wonder if he'll come back next week? If I were Filer, I'd book myself into a local Travel Lodge for the foreseeable future...

And somewhere deep in Dungerness, Rick Wakeman continues to practise his arpeggios...

You know what? I enjoyed Claws. I thought I'd hate it with a passion, but it's full of wonderful little moments. In many ways the episodes are a bit like a galactic yo-yo - up one minute (any scene with the Master in it), and down the next (any scene with Chinn anywhere even close to it). It's quintessential Who at it's most mediocre, but there's nothing wrong with that; sure, the monsters look great in publicity stills and wobble more than the Slitheen during the action scenes, but it's full of wit, imagination and a perverse sense of fun. And if it was good enough for Weetabix and Top Trumps then it's good enough for me.

Chinn, Chinn. Kitchen?

Go on then, I'll explain that title. It's something that I was going to wedge in from the start, in honour of everyone's favourite fat suited happy-chappy, Mr Chinn. Derives from a half heard salutation as a round of drinks arrived at a bar table. Being fans of Withnail & I, it's the natural thing to directly precede a fresh pint of foaming ale, that and a gentle clinking of glass on glass. Except I miss heard it, thought that this chap said "Kitchen", and I just replied, rather bemused "Kitchen?". And it's stuck ever since. It starts to get a little weird, as this chap is now Chair of the Department of History at the University of Florida and he's actually told all his grad students this. So many's the time I've pitched up in the bars of north central Florida and said, "Chin chin", only to have the response, "Kitchen" back. And I've been making British people look eccentric ever since...

The Claws of Axos - Episode 4

So, to the action. And as Jo and the Doctor cross the undulating floor of doom, they embark on a little light mental arithmetic. I can't help thinking that in this day and age it might be a spelling-bee competition. Let's recast "Lead Axon" as Eamon Holmes. Or perhaps poor Eamon might be better suited as Mr Chinn these days. But, on the plus side, there are more shots of Jo's muck-spreader.

I'm not overly certain about this chap from It Ain't Half Hot Mum. He seems to think that his Dunn & Co suit will protect the rest of him from the serious amount of radiation that could be bombing around in there so only donning a pair of asbestos gloves and cowl makes some degree of sense to his already addled mind. I think not. And that's the end of him, with a spectacular back flip to boot. The rest of the gang look on horrified, then present their marks for artistic interpretation.

Thank the good lord that the Doctor's finally twigged that Axos has not got its claws into the Earth. I thought that they should have mentioned this last time round, to shore up the flimsy title a little.

And it's a case of Chinn the Buffet Slayer. Just where the hell did Chinn get that drumstick from? What's more, I've just skimmed back through my bumper book of made up Doctor Who facts and I can tell you that this scene, between the Brigadier and Chinn, took 178 takes to get right. The BBC studio caters were aghast at the amount of food they had to provide during the studio session. They went through 103 different chicken drumsticks, 4 Frey Bentos steak and kidney pies and half a side of goat.

Now, the Doctor. I've gotten to almost the end of the entire show without really mentioning him. But he comes into his own here. After installing a coffee percolator on the TARDIS console he invites the Master back for coffee. It's kind of The Gold Blend Couple but without all that tedious flirting as they're getting straight down to it. Is the Doctor actually turning? You do begin to think. It was mentioned earlier how interesting it might have been having the Master working for UNIT. Then I started thinking, this is actually Alias! You see, you've got the Master (Alvin Sloane) and the Doctor (Jack Bristow), two old friends (or where they actually more than that [no - not lovers]). Of course it kind of falls apart there, but it's worth thinking about. And possibly getting a speculative court case together to file against JJ Abrams.

Yates seems to be having some trouble handling his weapon. It's a cheap gag, and it's going nowhere, but someone had to do it. And by this point in time I'm getting really weary of the electro-harpsichord musak. I can only imagine that television sets in the 1970s came with a large muffler built in to take the edge of this sort of soundtrack. It was never meant to be experienced in 5.17 Dolby Sensorama Sound.

I'd also like to suggest that it's not just the Doctor's chameleon circuit that's knackered. The Master's doesn't seem to be working overtime on blending into the innards of Axos. Perhaps it just gave up and didn't particularly want to look like a tit (like the wall to the left of it). And things seem to end with a whimper, rather than a bang (that's after the obligatory bang of course). There's about to be an explosion at a nuclear power station and they've only driven a few hundred yards away. Oh well. Still, not as terrible as some of them. Probably slightly over ambitious, but if you don't reach for the stars you might only make the top shelf (which would explain all those shots of Jo).

Second under the wire, why was this beginning to feel like The Krypton Factor assult course? Make mine a large one. Chin, chin.

'It seems that I'm some sort of galactic yo-yo'

Still with us? Okay, here’s the last, thrilling instalment of ‘The Claws of Axos’…

Jo gets hysterical whilst lurching around in the Axon equivalent of a bouncy castle (the Doctor’s solution - a swift Venusian chop to the back of the head - is obviously deemed too violent for the pre-watershed 1970s).

Those floating heads of Bernard Holley (children’s TV legend, apparently) bring back uncomfortable memories of ‘Dimensions in Time’…raising the thought that Axos is - even now - ‘pickled in time’.

Hardman (a.k.a. that bloke from ‘It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum’) goes all Spock from Star Trek II, leading to a tragically spectacular demise courtesy of a HAVOC stuntman (Terry Walsh in a wig, uncertain).

Bill Filer suddenly remembers that he’s a crack FBI agent and goes all Mike Hammer on Jo (leading to much furtive glances and skirt-hitching on her behalf).

Oh look, an alliance between the Doctor and the Master - we haven’t had one of those since, oh, the last story (at least Tom Baker looked sickened at the prospect later on in ‘Logopolis’; Pertwee here looks like he wants to take him out to dinner…)

On which note, is this arguably the most overlooked Who spin-off ever? The Doctor and the Master in a sit-com remake of The Odd Couple - laugh at the hilarious Master once more selling out humanity to the highest bidder, whilst flatmate ’Doc’ shouts ‘Hai!’ and rubs his neck. A lot.

The Axons are a bit comedic by now - waving tendrils like worms in people’s faces can only be effective for so long, although I love the flip one does to avoid Benton’s jeep (on which note, what’s the deal behind the purple projection screen clearly visible behind Benton’s head?)

The Doctor’s ‘betrayal’ (did anyone really fall for this back in 1971?) does at least give Pertwee an excuse to behave like a shit for once with good reason. And rub his neck.

The white-coated scientist - possibly the stiffest actor not to be pronounced clinically dead.

Has Jo been more rubbish in any other story? Stereotypically stupid, all she doesn’t do is twist her ankle and marry Bill Filer at the end.

What is the Doctor doing with all those Axons on the TARDIS console? They look like a bunch of pissed-up students on a rag week bender.

And as with most UNIT stories, everything ends with a bang (though more a whimper here). And the Master - of course - escapes to fight another day. Wonder if we’ll see him next week?

In all, not the worst Pertwee, but certainly not the best - just rather bland and inconsequential following an enjoyable first part.

Oh, and Neil - first round’s on you in Stockton, mate.

Jo Grant - Agent from MILF

The Claws, or whatever you call them, of Axos Episode 3

It's all gone a bit weird. The tarpaulin is now a hulking ball of mince and Bill has spontaneously sprouted a purple umbilical cord, which violently throws him into a coma. The Doctor and Jo also enter a catatonic trance as three meat balls prepare to do the okey kokey. And that's the cliffhanger sorted out. Well, it was the seventies...

The titular claws are fiendish, don't you think? Not only do they manage to secure their captives to the wall, they are also annoyingly persistent. Can you imagine how irritated you'd be by the constant fondling after just a few minutes captivity? Guantanamo Bay really should look into them. However, I couldn't take them completely seriously because I couldn't stop thinking about that scene with Peter Kay and Simon Pegg in The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse ("Bernard said I could change tentacle next Christmas...").

Finally, the baddies reveal their evil plan to the Doctor. And it's a very, very naughty plan indeed. The earth, just like the budget, will be sucked dry. There will be hose-pipe bans and everything! And if that's not evil enough for you, the Axons also want to steal the secret of time travel so they stomp around the cosmos, duping bureaucrats who don't read the claws in their contracts (sorry).

The Axons blackmail the Doctor into giving up these secrets (which, to make things even weirder, he's actually forgotten) by ageing Jo Grant in front of his very eyes. Pertwee caves in almost immediately as he can't be seen hanging around with some old biddy in a mini-skirt. Jo doesn't age too well, either. She ends up looking like the old woman from the Catherine Tate Show. "Bleedin' liberty. Come here promising giant frogs and all they want is to suck an old pensioner dry. They can fack awf!'

To make matters even worse, the Vision Mixer has been at the gin again. As he slumps over the dissolve switch, the Axons extract the secret of time travel from the Doctor's mind via a 56k modem, and viewers back home bang the sides of their TV sets in frustration.

Meanwhile, Filer is having a terrible dream about Axonite distribution rights. I don't know about you, but when I talk in my sleep it's usually incomprehensible gibberish; well, that's what the wife tells me. I'm more likely to say something like "grrrr... potatoes... hmmmmm... constellation!... urghhh... splutter...", but when you talk in your sleep on the TV you suddenly start delivering staccato exposition, as if on cue.

And wouldn't you know it, just when you think only dear old Blighty will get sucked dry (which still sounds pretty bad to me) Chinn is forced into distributing the damn thing all over the world. Well, America, Canada and Lochnore, which sounds Scottish but appears to be in the smack-bang in the middle of Kazakhstan.

The Master manages to sneak his way into the Doctor's TARDIS disguised as burns victim in a hat. Once inside, he instantly becomes that bloke from Grand Designs who sneaks into the self-build project when the owners aren't looking, and then proceeds to slag off what they've done with the place. He's utterly contemptuous of the Doctor's pathetic attempts at DIY and he even has a jolly good tidy-up.

And now I'm going to go off-message for a bit (you might need a chair) as I claim that the last ten minutes of this episode are some of the best in Doctor Who's long and lurid history.

For starters, I love the Axon's assault on the nuclear reactor. Sure, it starts off as your average run-off-the-mill 'Who' monster on the rampage - directionless arm-waving and jogging in treacle - but when it lets rip (or should that be 'whip') you have admit they are pretty damn impressive. An appendage that can blow people up. I mean, how cool is that?

I also adore the Master/Brigadier stand-off in the reactor room. It's a bit like 24, but with more facial hair, and the uneasy alliance between Moriarty and Watson shows just how much funnier a series with the Master working for UNIT would have been. His advice about the usual nuclear attack precautions, like putting sticky-tape on the windows, pre-empts Douglas Adams' very same gag about paper bags by about eight years. It's that funny.

I'm also thrilled at this point because things are looking bad for the Axons, even before the Master can get started on his masterplan. They are all going to blow! I have absolutely no idea why, but they are all gonna BLOW! It's a three-parter! It's all over!  Break out the champagne and have one last ogle at Jo Grant's rear as our heroes escape from the doomed ship in the nick of time! Yay!

Oh...

Hands That Do Dishes...

Sitting here in my own personal time machine is quite weird. You all think it's Wednesday and Episode 3. I know it's really Tuesday and Episode 2. If I am not careful I might meet myself coming back from several weeks time having done a review of "Chimes Of Midnight" and the whole space / time continuum will explode. I think I enjoyed the Season One box set though...

The Claws Of Axos Episode 2 :

Down amongst the taffeta curtains and the red snot on the walls,  Jo Grant is sure she heard the fake accent of Bill Filer. A quick visitation by an Axon covered in intestinal tubing soon has her screaming, but it's a shame the other Earth men all think it's a hallucination  - probably brought on by her skirt being too tight.

Bill is still held fast by the lobster claws of doom, but he has his trusty gun to try and blast a few holes in the set. The Master tells him to hit the controlling ganglion. Bill is a bit non-plussed because it's a word with more than one syllable, until devil-features points at the wall and he manages to get off a damn lucky shot. They escape through another erotic-looking aperture.

Old triple-Chinn is busy trying to convince his masters that he needs to be given even more powers, especially as he has problems with UNIT being the kind of people who might actually know what they are doing. I'm beginning to hate him so much now, that a red mist keeps coming over my vision every time he is on screen. I think the minister in charge knows what a total wanker he is though, as he reiterates "it's your head on the block, Chinn". Oh how I wish.

The Doctor doesn't think that the Axonite the aliens offered should be taken - it's too good to be true he's sure. He's a right grumpy sod with the scientists from the ministry, but it's all to no avail as Chinn arrives back and gleefully takes possession of the red lump. Meanwhile Bill and the Master are quickly recaptured.

Unseen by the humans, the female Axon melts back into the ship like a deflated version of a children's puppet like say, Barney the dinosaur (he's the devil incarnate you know) or the Swedish Chef. Or maybe it's my old Granny without her teeth in. Chinn gloats and gloats over how powerful Britain (and him) will become with sole rights to Axonite. Rule Britannia and screw johnny foreigner. Thankfully the Brig feels the same way I do and pulls a gun on him. But wait - Chinn has the lot of them arrested and put under guard. What kind of government lets this man get within 100 feet of anything more exciting than the Women's Institute? The screwball then goes one step further and announces that the absent Bill Filer has effectively ceased to exist. The rotter ! By the way, watch out for some ghastly mugging from Jo as she reacts to the news about her beloved Bill.

If it now seems like I'm skimming over parts of the "plot" - well I am. To be honest, it's all got a bit dull, with even Chinn's deranged ravings becoming repetitive after a while. So the Master is in league with the Axons and wants the Doctor killed? And I'm meant to be surprised? At least Delgado gives a bit of menace to the role. I'm struggling to write something meaningful here, and slowly losing the will to live, so I'm just going to comment on a few salient bits:

Horror of horrors - Bill the Yank is duplicated. Presumably so the Axons can conquer Earth through mullet-power alone. He's given orders by a giant orange cock with an eyeball - a bit of special effectery which beggars belief. It's a story about a living ship - let's go hell for leather with as much innuendo and kinky porno stuff as we can - the kid's won't notice.

The scientists have a speed of light dial that goes up to six (rather than eleven like Spinal Tap I suppose). They certainly are optimistic. Don't they know they will be lucky to get past gas mark 3 with that load of old junk? Shame that Winser is too busy being a smug little moron to accept that someone else might have the same ideas as him.

When the Master escapes Axos, he does so with what looks like a prototype of a gun from Blakes 7! I almost got excited then. Also, it sure looks like Roger doing his own stunt work as the Master leaps down onto the truck.

Oh give me strength. The "fight" between Bill and his Axon double is truly pathetic. I've seen better stunt doubles (and hair) on Crossroads. The copy dissolves into soap bubbles as it hits the light accelerator, and immediately becomes a better actor.

Finally after some capture / escape / gun shenanigans, and other stuff I can't be arsed to write about, the Doctor finally puts the Axonite in the shower cubicle - I mean the accelerator. Pounding it with radiation activates the "nutrition cycle", which (apart from making the Axons wobble around a bit) seems to consist of just more bubbles being blown out. Maybe that's the true secret of Axonite - it's going to do away with the need for washing up liquid the world over. Proctor & Gamble will go bankrupt. Housewives will celebrate with silky smooth hands (and maybe a golden toy-boy with an extendable penis). Or maybe it's just another crap special effect from our boys at the BBC.

Poor old Winser gets electrocuted and is absorbed into the soapy mass. Turns out that Axonite is all part of the same living creature. However, that also seems to include a man in an orange sack who has suddenly appeared crawling along the floor. Perhaps it's Delgado trying to wriggle his way out of this mess. Oh look, it's Spaghetti Joe again - replete with his swelling protuberances. Deja vu anyone?

Next time: Reviewer on the verge of a nervous breakdown (unless Chinn dies a horrible agonising death of course).

Filer in a Coma, I know. I know - it's serious.

You see, I have a slight problem. In this master-class of lookie-likies every time I see "Lead Axon", Bernard Holley, I think that it's Geoffrey, out of Rainbow, under the golden wig and bulging Marty Feldman eyes. And I just can't for the life of me shake that visual from my mind. Remember, those brave souls who are coming to Stockton will get to meet Mr Lead Axon and be able to ask him how it felt working, for all those years, against a man in a bear suit. Me? Well I'm holding out for one particular special guest from the new series. Am still hoping that the green cloth, onto which the Jagrafess was put in post production, will be there.

All hail the Great Green Cloth. All hail.

The Claws of Axos - Episode 3

Yes. Yes of course. Axos. Axonite. It's all one living creature. D'oh! Any fule kno that. But I'm at a loss as to how the Doctor figured this out. Just by letting a lump of the stuff turn into bubble bath? I'm not overly sure about that leap of deduction. But the Brig has more mundane things on his mind as, I swear, he's phoning for a pizza. Perhaps that's the strategy for keeping Chinn busy, a continual supply of Four Cheese from the local kebab house.

And here we are. As a very, very poor payoff to the title of the story the claws are revealed to be living parts of Axos. Very, very weak. I mean, when they talked about the ship burrowing deep into the Earth the didn't start talking about it digging its claws into the planet did they? It's just a messy, ill-conceived, instantly annoyable title. These aren't claws. They're actually some of Alvin Stardust's more mundane gloves with blokes hands in them. And to add insult to injury the man/men behind the claws manhandling the Doctor actually look like they're giving him a really good petting.

Getting back to the amber blob, Axonite is like bait for human greed. It's kind of like a version of the National Lottery from space, only much less camp than Dale Winton. And in a show choc full of lookie-likies, here comes another one as Chinn's Whitehall paymaster is finally revealed to be, non-other, than esteemed BBC news anchor man Robert Dougall. I suppose this sort of cameo makes a change from Morecambe and Wise sketches involving dancing and a prancing around in a big show tunes number.

Now, a question that has haunted humanity since the dawn of time (well, the dawn of UNIT). Just how dismally thick is Benton? Surely he recognised the Master in a very badly fitting Avid Merion rubber face mask? Surely Benton realised who this was, putting on a bad Churchill voice? The Master must be the equivalent of Osama Bin Laden, if he came up to you in a badly fitting rubber face you'd still know who it was. And even if you didn't, you'd still think that there was the outside chance it could be Merion and lamp him in any case. Just to be sure, you know?

Hang on. I'm going slightly off message here. Where were we? Earth to Axos is the equivalent of a gammon platter at a motorway service station - unpalatable, yes, but the only grub for 17 light years so anything will do. And in order to get the Doctor to help them gain the secrets of time travel they age Jo Grant to pensionable age until she's at the point she'll be eligible for a winter fuel allowance. And in order to comply with Axos' demands the Doctor proceeds to carry out complex mathematical equation in a vast psychedelic, pure mathematics kaleidoscope. Groovy, baby.

And so it all ends in a rather pointlessly as the Brig, never happier than when he's got some weaponry in his mit, allows the Master to formulate a plan that'll rid the Earth of Axos but take the Doctor and Jo with it. Not even thinking, for one moment, that that could result in him having more lines to remember for the final episode if the lead characters get mushed. I mean, it won't even allow the viewing public of any more "Sunday Sport up the skirt" shots of Jo as was seen during the closing moments of this episode...

The swine.