Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

The Podcast of Axos

Just to let you know that Part 3 of our commentary podcast for The Claws of Axos is now online at the usual place

This week Damon is out in the field looking for the Master (unfortunately, we gave him a photo of Gordon Tipple as a reference) and he is replaced by our very own Sean Alexander (who played Varsh in Full Circle, apparently).

Topics covered include: The Doctor's Annual Appraisal, Ronnie Barker's contribution to the Doctor Who mythos, UNIT hair regulations, Pertwee's nose, the Axon invasion of Kazhikstan and knicker shots.  

"It Seems I'm Some Kind Of A Galactic Yo-Yo"

Well, I'm going to completely ignore any comments about alcohol, drugs and hallucinations and get right on with reviewing the serial, which was actually kinda fun. I find it hard to dislike stuff, so when I do you know there's something wrong with it, but I found this bizarre tale quite enjoyable. Besides Katy Manning, but I won't go there.

An alien ship 'crashlands' on Earth and, as usual, there's someone who wants to blow them up. Instead, the Doctor and UNIT investigate and all sorts of crazy goings on occur. The aliens turn out to be hostile (Oh what a surprise), they drain power from the local power station which provides power to all of England (That's news to me) and the Master joins in the fun by helping to rid the world of meatbags... sorry, humans. This is actually my first encounter with the Master, and it's not exactly the best introduction you could get but it's not all that bad. Anyway, the Doctor wins, the Master escapes and everyone's happy save the families of the victims. Hmm.

The Axons, or rather the Axon (singular), are an interesting villain and if done in the modern series could well prove to be a very effective enemy. Sadly, the primative make-up and costumes leave a lot to be desired - indeed, at one point the Doctor, Jo and Filer are chased by a duvet at the end of episode 2 - but if you ignore that, then the rest of the story is very enjoyable indeed.

Problems? Not many, actually, which is a tad surprising. Aside from the duvet, the only one I can think of is the bluescreen error during the car chase, but that's easily missable if you're not focusing. Unless we look at the Nuclear Safety Procedures, which are suicidal at best. Drive down the road and duck?  I shudder to think what the outh of the day got from that. And then, despite what may well have been a Nuclear explosion, they go back and have a look! Dear oh deary me. Good thing the writers never worked in the Energy Industry, isn't it?

Anyway, I enjoyed it and I think's what counts. Next, Tom Baker. I can't wait for the claims of "Tom Baker was always my favourite Doctor, ever since I was a child..."

- And as a side note, I'm going to be rather active during the week-long break that's coming after the T.Baker fortnight. I'll be reviewing the latest 9th Doctor books, several Doctor Who audios and the two charity Doctor Who specials. Consider yourselves warned!

Back Flips And Time Trips...

Watching this Doctor Who story has been likened by many to a gruelling race. A cross country marathon in the deep snow of midwinter in only your shorts and PE vest, with Bullet Baxter shouting at your heels. After the middle of Episode 3, I felt that I had hit that metaphorical "wall" - the point where endurance is gone and you feel like giving up. Luckily, the Axon invasion of the nuclear station yesterday was enough to give me an energy boost (a bit like a bottle of Red Bull but without the aftertaste), and now I'm in sight of the Westminster bridge finish line that is:

The Claws Of Axos Episode Four:

Trapped in the shuddering bowels of Axos, the Doctor and Jo wander around the same two corridors a few times, pausing only to have a go on what looks like one of those conveyor belt thingy's in a fun house. Jo is so traumatised she decides to have a screaming contest. Somebody slap the bitch please! I'm sure the Doctor wants to really. In fact, it's all gone a bit brain numbingly crazy -  swirling golden faces, lumps of old plasticine (?), bowel clenching music, enough orange to make the man from Tango have a seizure and Axon bubble bath just everywhere. Finally the duo are forcibly ejected from the sphincter like entrance.

Deciding to evacuate the accelerator section, our characters watch as Captain stiff-upper-lip tries to unscrew the ice cream nozzle with only what looks like a Chef's hat and some oven gloves for protection against all that lovely radiation. Needless to say he get electrocuted, but still manages to do a back flip over the rails and across the studio. Gerry Cottle's circus would be proud and all without losing his hairpiece.

Ah, so the "claws" of Axos are embedded deep in the Earth are they Doctor? Smacks a bit of a hastily last minute written piece of dialogue to justify that crummy title. God knows what they would of come up with if they had stuck with "Vampires From Space". Probably some nifty nashers and an aversion to French people.

The Doctor uses the Master's home made Blake's 7 gun to keep his nemesis in line. Somehow it just doesn't seem like something the Doctor would do. However, we do know that wobble-Chinn got him out of the wrong side of bed this morning, so maybe he's justifiably crabby. The UNIT lads use a box brownie to take a butchers at Axos, though it must have a bloody long wire to get the signal back to HQ. Chinn is too busy stuffing his face to be bothered with all that surveillance malarkey. Maybe I can hope he will choke on a chicken bone.

Bill is being true to his roots and starting to mistrust everyone, including the Doctor. Unfortunately it seems he is proved right, as the Time Lord double crosses the human race and forms an alliance with the Master. Jon and Rog give it some gravitas and you honestly believe that this Doctor IS fed up being stuck on our "second rate" planet and would do anything to get free. Some welcome neck rubbing from the Doc too, which has been conspicuously absent from this story - a bit like the Doctor himself.

The two Time Lords are convinced they can fix the TARDIS with the bulb from a 1969 Austin Allegro and some sticky backed plastic. I noticed something interesting here too - apart from being much smaller than in previous (or future) stories, the TARDIS console room doors don't open out into the outside world - you can glimpse a corridor leading around a corner instead. When did that change? I'm sure some Who expert can tell me.

Axos rises out of the ground (probably with a wet sucking sound knowing Bob and Dave) and goes into full alert mode. Racing around in his jeep-mobile, Yates (or is it Benton? I've lost track) is headed off at the pass by some baggy suited Axons out for a stroll. He goes off-road to avoid them and their grapnel ungula of doom. Mmmmm press that slimy spaghetti flesh against the windscreen please Mr Axon. I'm ready for my close-up.

Grenade! Fried Axon anyone as the jeep careers off the track and down a convenient steep slope. The effect boys done good, as its a great shot of the flaming vehicle and its toasty Bologna shaped passenger. Back at the power station, the Doctor appears to be totally ruthless with his ex-friends. I just wished he's kneed Chinn in the bollocks as a farewell present before he winked out of existence.

There's a real sense of being under siege from the troops left behind, as all those extras are put to good use dying in inventive ways. The choreography is great, and for once in this story the UNIT guys act like they belong in the military, even if they do now have the lowest powered grenades in existence. Used up all the good ones with the jeep did we lads?

Inside Axos, where the TARDIS has re-appeared, the Doctor seems to have gone completely off the deep end - offering a deal to let Axos become the first inter-galactic pizza parlour. Much double-crossing ensues, with the Master not quite off the hook yet, allowing Delgado to audition for a mime act in Covent Garden.

Phew, the Doctor hadn't turned bad after all, he was just setting up a Time Loop trap for the Axons. As the prong shaped vessel vanished, so do the Axon bully boys, in an over-abundance of CSO. In the TARDIS, the Axons have arrived to give the Doc a group hug, but he manages to extricate a hand from the mass of flesh to send the TARDIS spinning out of the void.

Needless to say, with having to evacuate the power plant, the Brig takes the posh car and races away to watch Nuton go up in a ball of model flames. That's it you idiots, you've just lost power to the entire country! At least you have prog rock to keep you company (Osric Tentacles?) and the Doctor is back, as he says, like a yo-yo.

Noooo! Chinn is still alive !!!

As I reach the tape and cross the finish line  - all in all, an extremely variable story. Only quality performances from Roger Delgado and the buffoonery of Mr Chinn saved it from being totally humm-drumm. It took the Doctor four episodes to get into the thick of the action, which is far too little too late, and only the tail end of episode three was anything above ordinary. I'm not sure I want to watch it again anytime soon, but maybe I'll delve into those deleted scenes to see if there is one where Chinn gets buggered by an orange tree root.

Barman ! ...

Who's Show Is It Anyway?

Do you know the hardest thing being in this personal time bubble of mine? Trying heroically NOT to read the other reviews that have been already posted, especially the ones about episode 4. The last thing I want to do is make observations that sound too similar to others, or steal someones crap joke without realising it. Of course there only so many things one can say about:

The Claws Of Axos Episode 3 :

Menaced by the acne ridden delivery boys from Pizza Express, Bill, Jo and the Doctor frantically try to look even the tiniest bit scared. The crawling man in the sack amazingly becomes an upright man in a sack with a few twiddly bits stuck on. Bill gets it in the chest from a purple sucker on a stick and passes out from the shock. Meanwhile, the Doctor and his lovely assistant practise a bit of square dancing with their newly "re-personalised" golden pals. It only bores them into submission.

Back at base, the Brig tries to contact Geneva to get rid of the loathesome multi-Chinn, despite the appearance of Tim Nice-But-Dim Piggot-Smith. Lard boy and the one off of "It 'Aint Half Hot Mum" rush to the reactor to learn of the death of Winser. Watch Chinn run in straight-legged as if he desperately needs a pee. Bernard Axon makes up some flibber flabber about radiation, and it turns out the Axons have done a Kim and Aggie and cleaned the place up good and proper.

Inside Axos, Jo and the Doc are held by those trusty red claws, which seem to be having a jolly good feel all over Jo's body. Oh to be an effects operator on that episode! The others Earth morons are duped into thinking that Winser has vanished, and Filer's performance goes up a notch as he lies totally still in a coma.

The Axons finally reveal their master plan - to absorb all matter and SUCK THE EARTH DRY! Not enough that they pollute our minds with their filthy looking ships and tight lycra. No, now they want to give the planet the BJ of it's life and leave it a spent husk. You can imagine Bob Baker and Dave Martin sniggering like naughty schoolboys. "Did you see what we did there? Fnarr Fnarr!"

At last the Brig gets to take over, and watch Chinny gawp as the thought of all the pies he could have bought with the sale of Axonite, vanish into smoke. I got a perverse glee out of that. As for the aliens, well it's a case of "But Axos, we only have 72 hours to infect the Earth".  Chinn's boss pops up on the screen (where was that when he was phoning him last episode?), looking like Doctor Death out of some old Vincent Price horror movie. Someone's been talking to the tabloids (well the UN anyway) and everyone wants a piece of the Axonite.

Bill's in hospital channelling Basil Exposition in his sleep - ramming home the plot points we really couldn't have missed. In the reactor plant, gormless Benton is fooled by the Master wearing a pig's bladder instead of a mask. I've never seen a less convincing disguise. Well not this week. Once inside the Doctor's TARDIS, the Master goes all Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and starts getting critical about the "botch up" controls and the chintzy decor. Doesn't he know white is the new black?

The Doctor is tortured for his secrets of time travel - allowing Jon P to do a bit of gurning worthy of his later role as Worzel Gummidge. It all turns into a bit of a psychedelic trip, followed by Jo being aged 60 years. She looks pretty rough as an old bag, but then the real Katy now looks... well...hmmm... Please turn her back Axos. Forced to think of the equations, Jon has little acting to do except shut his eyes or squint a bit. One of the formulae on screen is "Mega K (Tons)". Is this the Time Lord version of Special K? Designed to keep a 900 year old body fit and trim? Or maybe the TARDIS is just powered by half a bowl of Frosties and a bit of mouldy toast.

So the Axonite is going to be distributed to Canada, America and - Scotland? So much for you fellas in the rest of the world. Giant moose, hamburgers and haggis for all then. Looks like Bill in his stripey PJ's is giving the Brig the real 411 about our sex obsessed alien chums. Too late! Hold that Axon mask on Bernie! We wouldn't want it to fall off. Oh now he's a fully fledged bog monster, lumbering around the power plant with his explosive tentacles and smoking hands. Lets have some drug crazed synth stylings to accompany the mayhem. I have to admit the Axon somehow defies expectations and looks pretty good here. Almost menacing, which is amazing considering the sack travesty fifteen minutes earlier.

Inside the TARDIS, The Master is doing what all good villains should, and talking out loud to himself. The TARDIS is a "second hand gas stove" apparently. Well it certainly looks like he tried to fix the stabiliser with the parts from an old oven. Glimpsing the light accelerator he ventures outside and stupidly gets himself caught. Roger Delgado's scenes here are excellent. He's a believable, three dimensional character who oozes smugness and superiority. He even manages to make a deal with the UNIT boys. The Axons are going to get a blow-back they didn't expect.

The Axos time field doesn't work and the Doctor escapes out of his yellow bubble chair into the maroon maze, where the claws are working overtime without anyone to fondle. Rescuing Jo, they both wobble around in the fun house, trying not to damage the set. Meanwhile the Master is about to blow them up but good...

You know my real problem with this story? The Doctor just isn't in it very much. At times it feels like the "Master and his UNIT pals" show. Admittedly when he is onscreen, Delgado is mesmerising, but shouldn't the shows title character be in it a bit more? I can understand from the Willy Hartnell days when it was on 48 weeks a year - everyone needs a holiday. But here, even if you don't like Pertwee (which I do), you have a right to expect a bit more lead actor with your Mega K.

Next time: Either Chinn dies or the DVD player gets it.

The Axos of Evil

The Claws of Axons Episode 4

The drugs have really kicked in now, as the Doctor and Jo wobble their way through the Axon's ship/funhouse. Balloons, papier mache, Quality Street sweet wrappers, shower curtains and bath mats merge seamlessly together with balls of mince and floating gold heads and Jo, understandably, goes completely bonkers. And if that looks bad on paper you should try watching it. We really do deserve that drink, you know.

Sir George decides to take matters into his own hands by neutralising a nuclear power station armed only with a pair of oven gloves, a welder's hat and a spanner. Oh, and a pair of Nike Air trainers if his backward somersault is anything to go by. It ain't half radioactive, mum.

And now for the best bit. The Master and the Doctor make a pact to bolt from this second rate planet and its third rate star. What exactly is wrong with our sun, that's what I'd like to know. Maybe it's only third rate if you've been exiled to the South East coast of England; apparently it's first-rate in the Caribbean. The Doctor needs the Master's help because the BBC have put a block on the art department's knowledge of creating alien environments (just look at the Axons ship for proof) and it's an edgy moment when the deal is made.

And you almost believe it. Because Pertwee hates everyone he comes into contact with in this episode it's completely feasible that he'd leave them all to their imminent doom. I mean, it's not the first time he's tried to do a runner, is it? However, the fact that he leaves Jo Grant behind makes it blatantly obvious that the Doctor is having the Master (and the audience) on. The cad.

UNIT get to strut their stuff in this episode too, and the explosion on the Jeep is great. In the Doctor Who Book of Made-up Facts (coming soon from Tachyon TV and published by Slim Norwegian Mondas Press) it claims that the burning Jeep continued to coast into a nearby field where it incinerated a small flock of sheep. It took days for the stench of roast lamb to disperse.

Finally, there's lots of stuff to do with time-loops and other technoguff I'd love to explain to you but even the Doctor can't put the plot resolution into words. I think the upshot is that the Axons are f**ked. And something explodes. The Master's fate is unknown. I wonder if he'll come back next week? If I were Filer, I'd book myself into a local Travel Lodge for the foreseeable future...

And somewhere deep in Dungerness, Rick Wakeman continues to practise his arpeggios...

You know what? I enjoyed Claws. I thought I'd hate it with a passion, but it's full of wonderful little moments. In many ways the episodes are a bit like a galactic yo-yo - up one minute (any scene with the Master in it), and down the next (any scene with Chinn anywhere even close to it). It's quintessential Who at it's most mediocre, but there's nothing wrong with that; sure, the monsters look great in publicity stills and wobble more than the Slitheen during the action scenes, but it's full of wit, imagination and a perverse sense of fun. And if it was good enough for Weetabix and Top Trumps then it's good enough for me.

Chinn, Chinn. Kitchen?

Go on then, I'll explain that title. It's something that I was going to wedge in from the start, in honour of everyone's favourite fat suited happy-chappy, Mr Chinn. Derives from a half heard salutation as a round of drinks arrived at a bar table. Being fans of Withnail & I, it's the natural thing to directly precede a fresh pint of foaming ale, that and a gentle clinking of glass on glass. Except I miss heard it, thought that this chap said "Kitchen", and I just replied, rather bemused "Kitchen?". And it's stuck ever since. It starts to get a little weird, as this chap is now Chair of the Department of History at the University of Florida and he's actually told all his grad students this. So many's the time I've pitched up in the bars of north central Florida and said, "Chin chin", only to have the response, "Kitchen" back. And I've been making British people look eccentric ever since...

The Claws of Axos - Episode 4

So, to the action. And as Jo and the Doctor cross the undulating floor of doom, they embark on a little light mental arithmetic. I can't help thinking that in this day and age it might be a spelling-bee competition. Let's recast "Lead Axon" as Eamon Holmes. Or perhaps poor Eamon might be better suited as Mr Chinn these days. But, on the plus side, there are more shots of Jo's muck-spreader.

I'm not overly certain about this chap from It Ain't Half Hot Mum. He seems to think that his Dunn & Co suit will protect the rest of him from the serious amount of radiation that could be bombing around in there so only donning a pair of asbestos gloves and cowl makes some degree of sense to his already addled mind. I think not. And that's the end of him, with a spectacular back flip to boot. The rest of the gang look on horrified, then present their marks for artistic interpretation.

Thank the good lord that the Doctor's finally twigged that Axos has not got its claws into the Earth. I thought that they should have mentioned this last time round, to shore up the flimsy title a little.

And it's a case of Chinn the Buffet Slayer. Just where the hell did Chinn get that drumstick from? What's more, I've just skimmed back through my bumper book of made up Doctor Who facts and I can tell you that this scene, between the Brigadier and Chinn, took 178 takes to get right. The BBC studio caters were aghast at the amount of food they had to provide during the studio session. They went through 103 different chicken drumsticks, 4 Frey Bentos steak and kidney pies and half a side of goat.

Now, the Doctor. I've gotten to almost the end of the entire show without really mentioning him. But he comes into his own here. After installing a coffee percolator on the TARDIS console he invites the Master back for coffee. It's kind of The Gold Blend Couple but without all that tedious flirting as they're getting straight down to it. Is the Doctor actually turning? You do begin to think. It was mentioned earlier how interesting it might have been having the Master working for UNIT. Then I started thinking, this is actually Alias! You see, you've got the Master (Alvin Sloane) and the Doctor (Jack Bristow), two old friends (or where they actually more than that [no - not lovers]). Of course it kind of falls apart there, but it's worth thinking about. And possibly getting a speculative court case together to file against JJ Abrams.

Yates seems to be having some trouble handling his weapon. It's a cheap gag, and it's going nowhere, but someone had to do it. And by this point in time I'm getting really weary of the electro-harpsichord musak. I can only imagine that television sets in the 1970s came with a large muffler built in to take the edge of this sort of soundtrack. It was never meant to be experienced in 5.17 Dolby Sensorama Sound.

I'd also like to suggest that it's not just the Doctor's chameleon circuit that's knackered. The Master's doesn't seem to be working overtime on blending into the innards of Axos. Perhaps it just gave up and didn't particularly want to look like a tit (like the wall to the left of it). And things seem to end with a whimper, rather than a bang (that's after the obligatory bang of course). There's about to be an explosion at a nuclear power station and they've only driven a few hundred yards away. Oh well. Still, not as terrible as some of them. Probably slightly over ambitious, but if you don't reach for the stars you might only make the top shelf (which would explain all those shots of Jo).

Second under the wire, why was this beginning to feel like The Krypton Factor assult course? Make mine a large one. Chin, chin.

'It seems that I'm some sort of galactic yo-yo'

Still with us? Okay, here’s the last, thrilling instalment of ‘The Claws of Axos’…

Jo gets hysterical whilst lurching around in the Axon equivalent of a bouncy castle (the Doctor’s solution - a swift Venusian chop to the back of the head - is obviously deemed too violent for the pre-watershed 1970s).

Those floating heads of Bernard Holley (children’s TV legend, apparently) bring back uncomfortable memories of ‘Dimensions in Time’…raising the thought that Axos is - even now - ‘pickled in time’.

Hardman (a.k.a. that bloke from ‘It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum’) goes all Spock from Star Trek II, leading to a tragically spectacular demise courtesy of a HAVOC stuntman (Terry Walsh in a wig, uncertain).

Bill Filer suddenly remembers that he’s a crack FBI agent and goes all Mike Hammer on Jo (leading to much furtive glances and skirt-hitching on her behalf).

Oh look, an alliance between the Doctor and the Master - we haven’t had one of those since, oh, the last story (at least Tom Baker looked sickened at the prospect later on in ‘Logopolis’; Pertwee here looks like he wants to take him out to dinner…)

On which note, is this arguably the most overlooked Who spin-off ever? The Doctor and the Master in a sit-com remake of The Odd Couple - laugh at the hilarious Master once more selling out humanity to the highest bidder, whilst flatmate ’Doc’ shouts ‘Hai!’ and rubs his neck. A lot.

The Axons are a bit comedic by now - waving tendrils like worms in people’s faces can only be effective for so long, although I love the flip one does to avoid Benton’s jeep (on which note, what’s the deal behind the purple projection screen clearly visible behind Benton’s head?)

The Doctor’s ‘betrayal’ (did anyone really fall for this back in 1971?) does at least give Pertwee an excuse to behave like a shit for once with good reason. And rub his neck.

The white-coated scientist - possibly the stiffest actor not to be pronounced clinically dead.

Has Jo been more rubbish in any other story? Stereotypically stupid, all she doesn’t do is twist her ankle and marry Bill Filer at the end.

What is the Doctor doing with all those Axons on the TARDIS console? They look like a bunch of pissed-up students on a rag week bender.

And as with most UNIT stories, everything ends with a bang (though more a whimper here). And the Master - of course - escapes to fight another day. Wonder if we’ll see him next week?

In all, not the worst Pertwee, but certainly not the best - just rather bland and inconsequential following an enjoyable first part.

Oh, and Neil - first round’s on you in Stockton, mate.

Jo Grant - Agent from MILF

The Claws, or whatever you call them, of Axos Episode 3

It's all gone a bit weird. The tarpaulin is now a hulking ball of mince and Bill has spontaneously sprouted a purple umbilical cord, which violently throws him into a coma. The Doctor and Jo also enter a catatonic trance as three meat balls prepare to do the okey kokey. And that's the cliffhanger sorted out. Well, it was the seventies...

The titular claws are fiendish, don't you think? Not only do they manage to secure their captives to the wall, they are also annoyingly persistent. Can you imagine how irritated you'd be by the constant fondling after just a few minutes captivity? Guantanamo Bay really should look into them. However, I couldn't take them completely seriously because I couldn't stop thinking about that scene with Peter Kay and Simon Pegg in The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse ("Bernard said I could change tentacle next Christmas...").

Finally, the baddies reveal their evil plan to the Doctor. And it's a very, very naughty plan indeed. The earth, just like the budget, will be sucked dry. There will be hose-pipe bans and everything! And if that's not evil enough for you, the Axons also want to steal the secret of time travel so they stomp around the cosmos, duping bureaucrats who don't read the claws in their contracts (sorry).

The Axons blackmail the Doctor into giving up these secrets (which, to make things even weirder, he's actually forgotten) by ageing Jo Grant in front of his very eyes. Pertwee caves in almost immediately as he can't be seen hanging around with some old biddy in a mini-skirt. Jo doesn't age too well, either. She ends up looking like the old woman from the Catherine Tate Show. "Bleedin' liberty. Come here promising giant frogs and all they want is to suck an old pensioner dry. They can fack awf!'

To make matters even worse, the Vision Mixer has been at the gin again. As he slumps over the dissolve switch, the Axons extract the secret of time travel from the Doctor's mind via a 56k modem, and viewers back home bang the sides of their TV sets in frustration.

Meanwhile, Filer is having a terrible dream about Axonite distribution rights. I don't know about you, but when I talk in my sleep it's usually incomprehensible gibberish; well, that's what the wife tells me. I'm more likely to say something like "grrrr... potatoes... hmmmmm... constellation!... urghhh... splutter...", but when you talk in your sleep on the TV you suddenly start delivering staccato exposition, as if on cue.

And wouldn't you know it, just when you think only dear old Blighty will get sucked dry (which still sounds pretty bad to me) Chinn is forced into distributing the damn thing all over the world. Well, America, Canada and Lochnore, which sounds Scottish but appears to be in the smack-bang in the middle of Kazakhstan.

The Master manages to sneak his way into the Doctor's TARDIS disguised as burns victim in a hat. Once inside, he instantly becomes that bloke from Grand Designs who sneaks into the self-build project when the owners aren't looking, and then proceeds to slag off what they've done with the place. He's utterly contemptuous of the Doctor's pathetic attempts at DIY and he even has a jolly good tidy-up.

And now I'm going to go off-message for a bit (you might need a chair) as I claim that the last ten minutes of this episode are some of the best in Doctor Who's long and lurid history.

For starters, I love the Axon's assault on the nuclear reactor. Sure, it starts off as your average run-off-the-mill 'Who' monster on the rampage - directionless arm-waving and jogging in treacle - but when it lets rip (or should that be 'whip') you have admit they are pretty damn impressive. An appendage that can blow people up. I mean, how cool is that?

I also adore the Master/Brigadier stand-off in the reactor room. It's a bit like 24, but with more facial hair, and the uneasy alliance between Moriarty and Watson shows just how much funnier a series with the Master working for UNIT would have been. His advice about the usual nuclear attack precautions, like putting sticky-tape on the windows, pre-empts Douglas Adams' very same gag about paper bags by about eight years. It's that funny.

I'm also thrilled at this point because things are looking bad for the Axons, even before the Master can get started on his masterplan. They are all going to blow! I have absolutely no idea why, but they are all gonna BLOW! It's a three-parter! It's all over!  Break out the champagne and have one last ogle at Jo Grant's rear as our heroes escape from the doomed ship in the nick of time! Yay!

Oh...

Hands That Do Dishes...

Sitting here in my own personal time machine is quite weird. You all think it's Wednesday and Episode 3. I know it's really Tuesday and Episode 2. If I am not careful I might meet myself coming back from several weeks time having done a review of "Chimes Of Midnight" and the whole space / time continuum will explode. I think I enjoyed the Season One box set though...

The Claws Of Axos Episode 2 :

Down amongst the taffeta curtains and the red snot on the walls,  Jo Grant is sure she heard the fake accent of Bill Filer. A quick visitation by an Axon covered in intestinal tubing soon has her screaming, but it's a shame the other Earth men all think it's a hallucination  - probably brought on by her skirt being too tight.

Bill is still held fast by the lobster claws of doom, but he has his trusty gun to try and blast a few holes in the set. The Master tells him to hit the controlling ganglion. Bill is a bit non-plussed because it's a word with more than one syllable, until devil-features points at the wall and he manages to get off a damn lucky shot. They escape through another erotic-looking aperture.

Old triple-Chinn is busy trying to convince his masters that he needs to be given even more powers, especially as he has problems with UNIT being the kind of people who might actually know what they are doing. I'm beginning to hate him so much now, that a red mist keeps coming over my vision every time he is on screen. I think the minister in charge knows what a total wanker he is though, as he reiterates "it's your head on the block, Chinn". Oh how I wish.

The Doctor doesn't think that the Axonite the aliens offered should be taken - it's too good to be true he's sure. He's a right grumpy sod with the scientists from the ministry, but it's all to no avail as Chinn arrives back and gleefully takes possession of the red lump. Meanwhile Bill and the Master are quickly recaptured.

Unseen by the humans, the female Axon melts back into the ship like a deflated version of a children's puppet like say, Barney the dinosaur (he's the devil incarnate you know) or the Swedish Chef. Or maybe it's my old Granny without her teeth in. Chinn gloats and gloats over how powerful Britain (and him) will become with sole rights to Axonite. Rule Britannia and screw johnny foreigner. Thankfully the Brig feels the same way I do and pulls a gun on him. But wait - Chinn has the lot of them arrested and put under guard. What kind of government lets this man get within 100 feet of anything more exciting than the Women's Institute? The screwball then goes one step further and announces that the absent Bill Filer has effectively ceased to exist. The rotter ! By the way, watch out for some ghastly mugging from Jo as she reacts to the news about her beloved Bill.

If it now seems like I'm skimming over parts of the "plot" - well I am. To be honest, it's all got a bit dull, with even Chinn's deranged ravings becoming repetitive after a while. So the Master is in league with the Axons and wants the Doctor killed? And I'm meant to be surprised? At least Delgado gives a bit of menace to the role. I'm struggling to write something meaningful here, and slowly losing the will to live, so I'm just going to comment on a few salient bits:

Horror of horrors - Bill the Yank is duplicated. Presumably so the Axons can conquer Earth through mullet-power alone. He's given orders by a giant orange cock with an eyeball - a bit of special effectery which beggars belief. It's a story about a living ship - let's go hell for leather with as much innuendo and kinky porno stuff as we can - the kid's won't notice.

The scientists have a speed of light dial that goes up to six (rather than eleven like Spinal Tap I suppose). They certainly are optimistic. Don't they know they will be lucky to get past gas mark 3 with that load of old junk? Shame that Winser is too busy being a smug little moron to accept that someone else might have the same ideas as him.

When the Master escapes Axos, he does so with what looks like a prototype of a gun from Blakes 7! I almost got excited then. Also, it sure looks like Roger doing his own stunt work as the Master leaps down onto the truck.

Oh give me strength. The "fight" between Bill and his Axon double is truly pathetic. I've seen better stunt doubles (and hair) on Crossroads. The copy dissolves into soap bubbles as it hits the light accelerator, and immediately becomes a better actor.

Finally after some capture / escape / gun shenanigans, and other stuff I can't be arsed to write about, the Doctor finally puts the Axonite in the shower cubicle - I mean the accelerator. Pounding it with radiation activates the "nutrition cycle", which (apart from making the Axons wobble around a bit) seems to consist of just more bubbles being blown out. Maybe that's the true secret of Axonite - it's going to do away with the need for washing up liquid the world over. Proctor & Gamble will go bankrupt. Housewives will celebrate with silky smooth hands (and maybe a golden toy-boy with an extendable penis). Or maybe it's just another crap special effect from our boys at the BBC.

Poor old Winser gets electrocuted and is absorbed into the soapy mass. Turns out that Axonite is all part of the same living creature. However, that also seems to include a man in an orange sack who has suddenly appeared crawling along the floor. Perhaps it's Delgado trying to wriggle his way out of this mess. Oh look, it's Spaghetti Joe again - replete with his swelling protuberances. Deja vu anyone?

Next time: Reviewer on the verge of a nervous breakdown (unless Chinn dies a horrible agonising death of course).

Filer in a Coma, I know. I know - it's serious.

You see, I have a slight problem. In this master-class of lookie-likies every time I see "Lead Axon", Bernard Holley, I think that it's Geoffrey, out of Rainbow, under the golden wig and bulging Marty Feldman eyes. And I just can't for the life of me shake that visual from my mind. Remember, those brave souls who are coming to Stockton will get to meet Mr Lead Axon and be able to ask him how it felt working, for all those years, against a man in a bear suit. Me? Well I'm holding out for one particular special guest from the new series. Am still hoping that the green cloth, onto which the Jagrafess was put in post production, will be there.

All hail the Great Green Cloth. All hail.

The Claws of Axos - Episode 3

Yes. Yes of course. Axos. Axonite. It's all one living creature. D'oh! Any fule kno that. But I'm at a loss as to how the Doctor figured this out. Just by letting a lump of the stuff turn into bubble bath? I'm not overly sure about that leap of deduction. But the Brig has more mundane things on his mind as, I swear, he's phoning for a pizza. Perhaps that's the strategy for keeping Chinn busy, a continual supply of Four Cheese from the local kebab house.

And here we are. As a very, very poor payoff to the title of the story the claws are revealed to be living parts of Axos. Very, very weak. I mean, when they talked about the ship burrowing deep into the Earth the didn't start talking about it digging its claws into the planet did they? It's just a messy, ill-conceived, instantly annoyable title. These aren't claws. They're actually some of Alvin Stardust's more mundane gloves with blokes hands in them. And to add insult to injury the man/men behind the claws manhandling the Doctor actually look like they're giving him a really good petting.

Getting back to the amber blob, Axonite is like bait for human greed. It's kind of like a version of the National Lottery from space, only much less camp than Dale Winton. And in a show choc full of lookie-likies, here comes another one as Chinn's Whitehall paymaster is finally revealed to be, non-other, than esteemed BBC news anchor man Robert Dougall. I suppose this sort of cameo makes a change from Morecambe and Wise sketches involving dancing and a prancing around in a big show tunes number.

Now, a question that has haunted humanity since the dawn of time (well, the dawn of UNIT). Just how dismally thick is Benton? Surely he recognised the Master in a very badly fitting Avid Merion rubber face mask? Surely Benton realised who this was, putting on a bad Churchill voice? The Master must be the equivalent of Osama Bin Laden, if he came up to you in a badly fitting rubber face you'd still know who it was. And even if you didn't, you'd still think that there was the outside chance it could be Merion and lamp him in any case. Just to be sure, you know?

Hang on. I'm going slightly off message here. Where were we? Earth to Axos is the equivalent of a gammon platter at a motorway service station - unpalatable, yes, but the only grub for 17 light years so anything will do. And in order to get the Doctor to help them gain the secrets of time travel they age Jo Grant to pensionable age until she's at the point she'll be eligible for a winter fuel allowance. And in order to comply with Axos' demands the Doctor proceeds to carry out complex mathematical equation in a vast psychedelic, pure mathematics kaleidoscope. Groovy, baby.

And so it all ends in a rather pointlessly as the Brig, never happier than when he's got some weaponry in his mit, allows the Master to formulate a plan that'll rid the Earth of Axos but take the Doctor and Jo with it. Not even thinking, for one moment, that that could result in him having more lines to remember for the final episode if the lead characters get mushed. I mean, it won't even allow the viewing public of any more "Sunday Sport up the skirt" shots of Jo as was seen during the closing moments of this episode...

The swine.

'The Nutrition Cycle will begin...'

…though judging by Chinn’s chins, it’s been a work in progress for some time.

God, I hate reviewing part threes - so little to report, so much time. Basically ‘Claws’ three does exactly what any ‘good’ part three does - ratchets up the tension (or in this case, tickles it) and ends with a ‘how-will-they-get-out-of-that-one’ cliff-hanger that just about manages to keep the kiddie-winkies hanging on for just one more week. Thank God us post-modern bloggers only have until tomorrow to find out if they do or not - I mean, a whole week would just about finish us off, wouldn’t it?

So, once again the true face of Axos (think Mr Blobby with psoriasis) has been revealed, leading to some rather Six Million Dollar Man-style marauding around the nuclear power complex (taking in the odd typically useless and gun-autistic UNIT soldier as a snack along the way). Meanwhile, Jo and the Doctor are writhing beneath some day-glo tentacles - one of which gives Katy Manning a rather less than Saturday tea-time style fondle - and the Doctor is tortured by sights of his beloved Miss Grant aging to death before his eyes (though anyone expecting Katy Manning’s latter-day ‘bigger-on-the-outside’ gob to be replicated will be sadly disappointed).

Meanwhile, Bill Filer - again much like the similarly doppelgangered Harry Sullivan in ‘Terror of the Zygons’ - has been confined to his sick-bed, making curiously lucid warnings about Axos despite being (presumably) unconscious - I mean, I’ve heard of talking in your sleep, but on this evidence Filer could address congress and not break breath bar for the odd snore. But fear not, our Bill’s still an all-American stud despite his tribulations - witness the half-buttoned pyjama jacket that barely conceals his manly torso (lord help me, three episodes in and the best I can find to comment on is some guy’s hairy chest…bring on Tom and the giant rat, please!)

But the episode’s coup-de-grace is surely the Master’s effortless fooling of Benton that he is some high-ranking officer. At first, we’re not sure why Benton seems incapable of looking him in the eye (does he know it’s the Master and is trying to avoid hypnotism?) but then Roger Delgado turns round and peels off arguably the least convincing piece of rubber this side of Deva Loka. And it becomes abundantly clear that John Levene was merely trying to avoid laughing at it. Much has been made of Anthony Ainley’s less than convincing ‘80s disguises, but at least they didn’t have the whiff of novelty joke shop or Groucho Marx appliances about them. Oh well, chalk it up as just the latest in a long line of rubbish rubber ruses by the jackanapes…

And after that my mind started wandering, taking in only the Doctor’s haemorrhoid chair (fitting for a story bum-numbing enough to give anyone piles) and the fact that one of the UNIT soldiers may be Pa Slater from Eastenders (he’s one of the particularly useless ones who gets fried by the Axon, if you care to have a look yourself).

And then it’s the cliff-hanger - can Jo and the Doctor survive all that buffeting (with just the odd bruise to show for it) until next time?

And frankly, do we care?

The Bernard Holley Experience

Okay, so I am a day late for the party, and I have some SERIOUS catching up to do, but here we go anyway.

The Claws Of Axos Episode One:

Another new Doctor, another new title sequence and in a time-bending bit of jiggery-pokery we can now call it "the one with the movie logo". Even so, I still can't get enough of that swirly vortex.

Straight in - to a yellow Christmas cracker flying through space (or across a bit of cloth with holes poked in it). Army Intelligence, every watchful, keep an eye on it so they can figure out what the motto is inside. Military budgets must be strained though, as they are drinking out of those plastic mugs with the glass inserts I used to have as a kid. The shots of the ship are terrible to behold, it's sexual organ-ness only outdone by the titular ship from "Lexx" (and if you haven't seen that series, trust me, it's a real "meat and two veg" vessel). Of course we all know that any suspense here is totally ruined coz we see the monsters revealed straight away. On to episode two then? No?

Down on Earth, the Brig and his pals are playing reluctant host to Mr Double-Chinn - the most officious, know it all, stereotypical government twat known to Equity. His over-acting knows no bounds, and it's only the appearance of token Yank number one with his comedy sideburns and even more atrocious hair that stops me putting a boot through the screen. The Doctor seems to hate the swine too, and he takes no prisoners with his cranky attitude reminiscent of Sir William of Hartnell. Love the purple cloak too.

Benton and Yates appear to join in the arguing -  ignoring the "stop / go" signs in the corridor (and the girl in the mini skirt). Mr American has the worst accent this side of Telos. Oooohhh its a UFO approaching. Let's all look serious. After all it's not like it's ever happened before. Still, the Doctor seems to know where is landed just from listening to what sounds like machine gun fire, or maybe it's just Bob & Dave still knocking out the script on one of those old hand cranked copying machines.

Time for some more early 70's embarrassing stereotypes now as the oh so hilarious Pigbin Josh appears, replete with his own comedy "theme" probably knocked out in 15 seconds on a Stylophone. Seeing that the UFO is heading for SE England (again!) and probably too near his country estate, merciless bastard Chinn wants to blow it up, in a move good ol' Dubya would surely approve of. Meanwhile our hapless yokel has biked into a freak snowstorm and decides to go in for a bit of the old bicycle thievery. My ears are still bleeding from that sodding music when Chinn orders the missile controllers to "Now! Commit NOW!". Callous little shit.

Ah, but the UFO has vanished and the missiles are aborted. It's a shame we don't even get stock footage of some missiles blowing up - just a faint image on a screen. We are meant to believe that it's landed near a power station where the ENTIRE electricity supply for the UK is coming from? Are we that stupid in the future / the 1970's? (oh let's not start that old chestnut again). Pigbin does his impersonation of one of the Wurzels pretending to be a rabid seal and the phallic tube reels him in.

I love Yankee Bill Filer's sunglasses and driving gloves. Very stylish - not. He also seems to be able to tune his radio at will into the military frequencies, the lucky boy. Inside the "ship", old Josh is being examined by what looks like a wavy black pudding on a stick. Bill gets a little too close for comfort and the jaundiced penis get him - so the Axons can examine that groovy hairstyle no doubt. But before they can dissect his barnet, Filer discovers that The Master is trapped on board too.

Here comes Chinn, and his mobile HQ, replete with his oh so British scientists - one of which has wandered in from being in charge on "It 'Aint Half Hot Mum". All we need now is Windsor Davies to stroll in and start calling everyone "Lovely boy" for my nightmare to be complete. I'll have to settle for a small chuckle as boffin number one is called Winser. It's that exciting. Using state of the art tech such as an old school oscilloscope and probably a pair of Val Singleton's old knickers, UNIT communicates with the aliens. "Axos calling Earth". Na-Noo Na-Noo !

The bloodthirsty Chinn surely wants to get right in there and nuke half the UK just in case, but the others decide to go and investigate, leaving the lovely Jo behind. Willingly?. They meet up at the entrance to what looks like a giant vagina and its opens in a star shape to admit them. Didn't Mary Whitehouse have a heart attack watching this filth? In the surrounding area, the soldier boys discover the body of the old man, after which there is a strange white screen effect which made me think the DVD had skipped. What was it?

Inside the Axon ship, its all very organic and decorated untastefully in a pair of my Mum's old kitchen curtains. The wiley aliens recognise the Doctor's extra-terrestrial nature and give him a nice brain probe. Cue Nicholas Courtney and his woeful zombie impressions as the screen goes all wobbly. Meanwhile Jo is just strolling past the idiot soldiers on guard so she can follow the others inside.

Bill the Yank is held fast by the titular Claws, which look like they have been ripped off a particularly large lobster. Was the Master being a nosey swine and got caught, or does he have a more cunning plan? What do you think? Roger Delgado does his utmost, oozing charisma with just a few scant lines. Quality acting.

The Axons appear and seem to have modelled themselves on Top Of The Pops dance troupe Pan's People plus a few natty fright wigs and some gold lame. The lead male Axon is - it is! - its him! - Doctor Who supporting actor supreme Bernard Holley! I'm momentarily stunned by this coincidence, as we only saw him last week in "Tomb". Then I begin to wonder if it's not some nefarious scheme by Neil - sort of a Where's Wally? but with Who bit actors. Was he in "Dalek Invasion" as one of the RoboMen? Will he be disguised as the giant Rat in "Talons of Weng-Chiang". Is there a prize?

Back to the plot (such as it is) and the Axons are boasting about their grown ship and how it has run out of porridge and eggy soldiers so it can't take off. In exchange for B&B they offer some Axonite - sort of like a lumpy mass of polystyrene disguised as Red Kryptonite. It's clever stuff apparently which can do almost anything including making giant toads - EXCEPT fixing their damn spacecraft. No one (except the Doctor) asks this question. I guess they are too busy waiting for the golden ones to break into a routine set to "I'm In The Mood For Dancing". Chinn is probably thinking about all the lovely bombs he could make.

There is just time for the spaghetti monster to put in an appearance as Jo conveniently stumbles in. And.... well that's it. It would be time for a nice slice of garlic bread and some meatballs with all that pasta, but all the Freudian imagery is a bit off-putting.

Next time: Oh I just hope Chinn gets it.

Kill Bill (please!)

The Claws of Axos Episode 2

Kicking off with some experimental "music" that would make Tangerine Dream blush, episode two manages to resolve last week's ridiculous cliffhanger by implying that it never actually happened. If only. Poor Jo is accused of losing her mind and hallucinating visions of sentient spaghetti (maybe she skipped lunch?), and only the Doctor believes her wild story; even though everyone is standing in a whacked-out organic spaceship that can breed giant frogs at the time!

Don't you just love how the Axons go to all that bother of tying up Bill, but they fail to take his gun away from him? Pretty short-sighted considering their massive eyes, don't cha think? But then again the Axons are a pretty weird bunch (even for Doctor Who): they have a giant cock for a leader, weird snappy claws for handcuffs and a transformation process which makes them look like they're practising for a North Yorkshire gurning competition.

But they do possess Axonite, which is g-r-e-a-t. So great, in fact, a clever bloke in a polo-neck jumper and glasses swears by it. And that's good enough for me.

It also turns out that the Master was in cahoots with the Axons all along - the bastard! -  and before you can say "Derren Brown" he's got half of UNIT marching to his (theme) tune; he may as well don a cloak with the word 'nefarious' embroidered on the back of it for all the subtlety he employs. But you've got to love Delgardo. Even when he's simply going through the motions he's still eminently watchable.

Which is more than can be said for Bill. And if one Bill wasn't enough to make your teeth itch, how about two of the buggers running around bitch-slapping each other? No, I thought not.

And as for the cliffhanger - words fail me. You'll never look at tarpaulin in quite the same way again...

Masters in the rear view mirror might appear closer than they are

The Claws of Axos - Episode 2

Revenge of the Pasta Dish Man. These malformed Axons aren't at all bad. All dendritic tendrils and angry spaghetti. But I'd say that they weren't really shapeless as Jo claims, unless it's Chinn's chins that she thought she saw lumbering out of the cromakey.

So Filer and the Master are still being restrained by the claws of Axos. Just why are these claws so important? I mean, it's as if this title was applied to the story at the 11th hour and the paint on the opening credit title sequence were still wet as the programme was broadcast. Must have been as they've just latched upon a fairly general part of the inside of the ship to give the serial it's name. Why didn't they call the show "The Knob Controller of Axos", or "The Golden People of Axos" etc... It's a good job that Axos didn't restrain people with handcuffs and leather bondage otherwise that would have ensured a midnight broadcast slot.

Of course, what Filer and the Master need to escape from these "claws" is a gardener who can spot a ganglion a mile off. Who'd have thought that the Master was part evil Timelord - part Alan Titchmarsh.

I'm really starting to dislike Chinn, in a fairly violent way too. "Shall you scramble or shall I, sir?" See. SEE! Food, he's forever thinking about food. This time it's eggs. But Chin's on the phone to his Whitehall paymasters and he's after special powers. Not too sure what additional powers he's demanding from Whitehall? The ability to order Chinese takeout at the tax payer's expense? The ability to eat constantly and let someone else do his thinking for him? What?

So that's it. The British Government want sole distribution rights to Axonite. But the Axons want worldwide distribution. If the Government uses the Royal Mail then it could end up anywhere. But after we saw that Axonite can grow anything then Chinn's obviously got his own plans for it. He wants to grow super-size food animals and also use its properties as a penile enhancer. This show of male/mail bluster ends in a British Mexican standoff deep in the belly of the ship.

Soon we find out exactly what Chinn's special powers entail as Benton and Yates are subdued by a rather young looking Tim Piggot-Smith. Standing there like naughty school boys as "regular" showed up and gave them a damn good seeing to. That's quite a tense atmosphere that's developing there between the regular army and UNIT.

The Master, on the other hand, is quite relaxed and getting into stage hypnotist mode:

Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Don't look around the eyes. Look into my eyes.

[snaps fingers]

You're under. You will not, I repeat, you will not see a man writhing in a sheet towards the end of this episode. 3 - 2 - 1. You're back in the room.

Moving at breakneck pace we're back in the nuclear control room type do-hickey where we get tied up in a pointless discussion about the speed of light - and enter a strange edition of Look Around You. The Daniel Jackson chap says that 1 on the dial, the speed of light, is where they might reach in the future but at the moment it's an unobtainable goal. But the dial goes all the way up to 6. Six! That's some bare faced bravado that's going on there. To think that they might even get up to one was pushing it but all the way to 6. Wow! Perhaps that sort of boasting is what happens to drunken nuclear scientists when they're swaggering around a boozer trying to impress female nuclear scientists?

Then we descend into a porno version of Flight of the Navigator with the Master telling it to the penis. Now, I had a poster of this "thing" on my bedroom wall in the early 80's (no Dexy's Midnight Runners and Suzi Quatro for me) and my friends found immense humour in this thing, as only teenage boys could. And what happens later with the knob, when an all out assault is brought on the lump of Axonite, well, I don't really want to describe that just in case I lower the tone further.

God alone knows which bit of jumping onto the truck Delgado actually did but that's definitely him on the top in the tunnel. What a guy. Comedy bumping around to simulate movement from the driver as he catches sight of the Master in the rear view mirror. Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. Don't look around the eyes. NOT AROUND THE EYES. Look into my eyes. [snaps fingers] You're under. etc...

And what a cliffhanger.

Doctor!

Look out.

There's a man, writhing, in a sheet.

That ol' Ganglion of mine...

Episode two, and things are sadly already on the slide.

D’you reckon they were even aware back in the early seventies what terrible stereotypes television made of people? Now we’re not talking about racially insensitive sitcoms here, but common-or-garden TV dramas; a bit like this one. Want to put across the self-seeking, bureaucratic idyll of cabinet ministers - aah, here’s Mr Chinn in his bowler hat with several (no doubt well-fed) double chins to help reinforce his image of tunnel-visioned greed. Still, at least this episode tries to make some fun at his expense - with consecutive lines (‘it’s your head on the block, Chinn’; ‘you are our man on the spot, Chinn’) sounding more like they’re from the aforementioned sitcoms. And you’re right - whoever it was who said it - that he really is a shoe-in for the ‘Ronnie Barker School of civil-servant chumps’. On which note, rest in peace Ron…

Is Axos related to the Zygons? In a kind of reverse to the first episode’s debt to ‘Spearhead from Space’, episode two of ‘Claws’ seems to predate ‘Terror of the Zygons’ organic ship, with ganglions used to affect internal functions and the Axons’ ability to copy human prisoners foreshadowing Harry Sullivan’s later doppelganger experiences. Meanwhile, the full scope of Axonite’s amazing properties becomes clear - with much talk of light acceleration and particles helping to pad out this episode’s meagre plot - resulting in some seriously tedious techno-babble (or should that be, ‘bafflegab’?) dialogue between Pertwee and that scientist chap who’s just fallen out of Open University. Never mind the crystalline energy, guys, concentrate on how Axonite is going to regenerate the length of Jo Grant’s skirts, already!

So, when Axons enter a state of ‘re-absorption’ they look curiously like Cabbage Patch kids, do they? Oh look, it’s time for ‘spot-the-bloke-who-got-more-famous-after-appearing-in-Doctor Who’, as Tim Piggott-Smith wanders in (astutely avoiding typecasting by playing a man in uniform, you’ll notice) as the rather sneery Captain Harker (you know he’s bad because he’s wearing a different shade of khaki to the UNIT boys). And quick as a flash the Brigadier and co are placed under arrest - still, at least the Doctor seems to have cottoned on and is no longer defending the Axons to anyone who’ll listen…

Anyone care to speculate on the Master’s role in this story? Thought not. After just two stories as a regular, the worrying thing is that he’s already the aliens-of-the-week’s lacky; and ‘Claws’ is arguably the character’s weakest story until ‘The Five Doctors’ (when, if you remember, he’s only there to find the Doctor for the chief villain). The only redeeming fact is that - irrespective of the paucity of material he’s offered - Roger Delgado is never less than magnetic in the role (though how he managed to hypnotise a UNIT soldier in the mirror should perhaps be glossed over).

And can we have any review of this episode without mentioning the talking penis which communicates with both Filer and the Master at different points? Freudian imagery, or just a production designer with deep issues? Your guess is as good as mine, but safe to say that had Lennie Mayne (and not Michael Ferguson) directed this story, then Alpha Centauri would never have got a look-in in the ‘Biggest Cock in Who award’ of the 1970s…

Other things to ponder: following ‘Inferno’, it’s clear that the Doctor hasn’t learnt his lesson about meddling with nuclear reactors (even carelessly causing the death of one of the scientists as a result…stupid quack indeed!) And is it me, or does the wig that (presumably) Terry Walsh is wearing during the fight between the two Filers actually look more realistic than the actor’s own hair?

Damn, run out of space - just time to mention the man-in-a-sack alien that causes a Benny Hill-inspired jog around the lab by the Doctor and co, and the fact that the cliff-hanger would have seemed strangely familiar even when this story went out at one episode a week:

The spaghetti monster strikes. Again.

The Flaws of Axos

I very nearly didn’t make it for this one - and anyone who’s noticed my absence these past couple of weeks will see a pattern emerging here. But at least this time it wasn’t south-coast holidays or personal problems that threatened to keep me away - no, this time it was the dreaded curse of VD (or ‘Video Degradation’, for those of you ready to put two and two together and make five).

I last saw ‘The Claws of Axos’ when it was first released on VHS in the seemingly-impossible-but-true year of 1992. Back in the heady days when you’d average two - yes, two - story releases every month (how would the restoration team have coped with that schedule?) and when all the sleeves had matching diamond logos all facing the same way (trust me, these things mattered then. Yet another reason to be thankful for the birth of one Russell T Davies). Once seen, then placed in the great video cabinet in the sky (well, loft anyway) - so when I got it out (don’t even bother with the innuendo here) yesterday, it was little surprise to find there was almost as much dust inside the casing as there was outside.

So, after three failed attempts to get a picture - not to mention several reels of video head cleaner - I finally struck lucky by fast-forwarding the whole story through the player and voila. Something to do with the tape getting slack on the spindle, I guess (or some latent desire on my video’s part to not let me watch it again after all this time…)

Well, what did I think? First off, that version of the theme doesn’t quite match the titles, does it? There seems to be an extra chord or two shoved in here and there, sounding more like it was meant for Troughton’s day. But enough of such pedantry, what of the story itself? All in all, it’s not a bad opening episode (although the late, great Robert Holmes would have been somewhat miffed to see both the opening - in which two gormless technicians monitor a seemingly natural phenomena deliberately land on Earth - and the clueless tramp have been lifted wholesale from his own ‘Spearhead from Space’ of just a year previously). And the special effects (it seems totally superfluous to say) are rather less than special (although the ‘wine gum’ in space that is the Axons’ craft deserves particular comedic praise).

But all in all this is tightly written stuff - and we pretty much know all the story’s movers-and-shakers within the first twenty-five minutes. I also just love the rather does-what-it-says-on-the-tin ‘Top Secret’ folder that Chinn is holding in his introductory scene, not to mention the (sadly) brushed over confrontation between him and the Doctor about making ‘England for the English’ that seems even more topical now than it was thirty-plus years ago( and even Chinn‘s name seems like some sort of veiled racial comment).

Minus points are Bill Filer - sporting a seventies mullet and deep south accent straight out of a production of ‘Annie Get Your Gun’ - and the way that, aside from keeping Bill Filer company with some mild flirting, Katy Manning has absolutely bugger all to do. It’s no wonder that she disobeys orders to have a butcher’s at the Axons’ ship…

But I really did rather enjoy this opening instalment - what with UNIT looking concerned with their full arsenal of machines going ‘ping’ and the ‘freak’ weather conditions accounting for some unseasonal snow at the Axons’ ship’s crash-site. And Pertwee is really rather good - much belying Verity Lambert’s oft-quoted criticism of his portrayal as ‘establishment‘. In fact, what with his railing against Chinn’s authority and humanity’s predisposition to destroy what it doesn’t understand, there’s arguably no other time when the Doctor has been portrayed so iconically.

But just what is going on with that painfully stereotyped tramp, Pigbin Josh? Blessed with little more than a few incomprehensible ‘ooh-aah’s and - courtesy of Dudley Simpson - his own comedy ‘plinky-plonky’ theme tune, Pigbin has somehow become one of Who’s most unsung heroes. It beggars belief how…

But just as such forced comedic exploits threaten to tip the whole cart over, we’re finally allowed a glimpse inside the Axons’ spaceship and discover - wow! - that they’re from the planet-of-the-gold-leotards (I wonder if Voga ever considered suing?) In fact, everything is gold on their planet (except, apparently, the frogs, who the head Axon somewhat bizarrely suggests that humanity can solve their food shortages with by expanding to giant size…bet Bob Geldof would have loved that one!) You just can’t help but suspect that their seemingly benign intentions are shrouding an ulterior motive (those wigs are a give-away for a start, not to mention the fact that poor old Pigbin Josh has been absorbed to death outside…)

And just when you thought it couldn’t get more convoluted, then look at who Bill Filer’s got for a cell-mate…Yes, it’s the Master. Prompting a reaction sure to be sympathised by fans a decade later - given this is his third consecutive story this year (with two more yet to come) - of ‘oh, whatevvvvver!’.

Nice spaghetti monster at the end, though - wonder how much scarier he’d look painted green..?

Ooh-arr? Ooh-arr?

The Claws of Axos - Episode 1

Oh for the love of the mother of Cliff! Any TV show that starts with a diarrhetic smear moving across a painting of a star field is just oozing charm and sophistication. And how on earth did those two radar embryos get to be working for UNIT in the first place? Two public school boys, fresh from being roasted by a gang of sixth formers, sitting in front of a desk with a Reggie Perrin-style phone atop doesn't bode well for the protection of the planet. Imagine how unconscionably shit UNIT would have been without the Doctor to help them out from time to time? The Earth would have been buggered senseless by any half-way decent alien, even if they did appear to have hair of Eastern Bloc department store dummies, ping-pong balls for eyes and be sprayed gold.

The exterior shots of the ship look just like a cross between a bloated, diseased, condom and a rotting pasty. Perhaps it was the inspiration behind the Sage in Gateshead?

Then we have Mr Chinn. A very apt name. A man who's one secret skill is to sniff out food at up to 500 yards. And scoff it in a second. I'm sure that at one point during a later episode he's got half a side of cow stuck to his face and no-one bothers to tell him. More on Ronnie Barker's stunt double later.

Although I did have cause to mention recently how much like the current (at least he was at the time of writing this - and I can imagine that it's a fairly dangerous position to be in) Iraqi president, Jalal Talabani, he looks. Are the two related? Both Whitehall Mandarins put in as puppet rulers? Perhaps we shall never know.

I feel, at this point, I should point out the ludicrous notion that placing the words "Top Secret" on a folder would, in no way, draw any unwarranted attention to such a shabby and ordinary object. This is equally strange when you consider that this entire meeting seems to be taking place in a public waiting room for some Relate marriage counsellor's office. There's one chap leaning nonchalantly against a filing cabinet reading something and a couple on a settee. Whatever happened to just leaving military secrets on the back seat of a car, or in a west end brothel?

So, we're now three minutes in and there's still no end in sight to the spleen supply currently being vented. Mr Filer's adding some much needed exotic musk to the proceedings as an unconventional Yank with hippy side burns and a nice line in hand guns. But just what on Earth do those pulsing lights signify? Disco in progress? Buggered traffic signals? What? Why? But apparently Washington thinks it's time the Master was dealt with. When will they stop meddling in things that just don't concern them? You'd have thought it was enough installing Mr Chinn as the Iraqi President, but no...

And now my favourite part of the entire episode. As Benton and Yates come steaming round the corner in a corridor they're passed by a pretty thing of the opposite sex. And there's not a flinch. Not so much as a twitch. Or a quick twist of the neck. Or a wolf whistle. Nothing. And then the lights that had some significance when they were all blinking in the corridor then start blinking in the room with an alarm. As Yates says, UFO, coming in fast.

I'm not overly sure what purpose most of the scenes with the Yokel on the bike serve? Especially the one where he picks up another bike to try it out. But never-mind, it gets us to the mouth of Axos. After the initial disappointment of the smear in space the mouth of the ship is actually quite smart and once opens gives some idea of the depth that the ship must have buried itself into the shingle. Even if from other angles it looks like some giant Terry's chocolate orange.

For once UNIT seem to have more than three blokes and a grenade, although some of their military transport does look like BBC Outside Broadcast vans. Having consumed Yokel #1, after recognizing that he was no threat, Axos then takes in Filer. After examination they deduce that Filer's presence is a danger, and with side burns like that who could blame them. The inside of the ship is impressive, in concept, if not in realization. A CSO nightmare. When you've got some really inventive things happening in the background you're constantly drawn to the bleeding effect between real things in the studio and the CSO imagery.

And now I've held off on mentioning this till now but just how short is Jo Grant's skirt? She'd not look out of place on the Bigg Market during the December in the deepest of winters in that skirt.

So Axos' technological development took an organic path. See. This is what happens. First a few tofu bars, then organic carrots. Then this. Mark my words, it'll all end in tears and crap SciFi. Plus, had Filer really never seen a picture of the Master before Washington dispatched him to deal with him?

Perhaps they were aiming for France when they tried to impress the Doctor et al with the increase in size of a food animal, a frog. Would France be able to fight off alien invasions week after week, just like Britain did in the early 70s? I think not.

It Ain't Half Scary, Mum

Oh dear, it's a Pertwee, and not a very good one at that. You can tell because it doesn't feature the words 'Inferno Episode One' in the opening titles. If anyone makes it all the way to episode four with regular, daily reviews then I will personally buy them an extremely large drink when we get to Stockton (come on, you know you want to. I'm going to be running a 'Spot Darth Marsden' competition while we're there). This one is so clunky I'm expecting to lose Matthew Sawyer in mid-review...

The Claws of Axos - Episode 1

Damn it, I've put on the wrong DVD. There's a sweaty bloke sitting in his bedroom staring at a radar screen and panicking. But no! Earth isn't being threatened by a spearhead of plastic footballs - it's a giant vase shaped like a cock. Phew.

Hey! I know! Let's ruin ALL the suspense and the big twist in the very first minute by showing the audience what the aliens really look like! It's like starting the mini-series V with a shot of a lizard snacking on a hamster sandwich. Or every single episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Anyway, a UFO lands in the south east coast of England. Again! And you thought Mexico was a hot-spot for extraterrestrial activity. But at least it's handy for UNIT who promptly head off to investigate and shoot anything that slithers; their initial plan, which involved shooting the blighter down, having failed miserably. For a change.

They are joined by Bill, a CIA operative who has been sent to apprehend the Master in America's continuing war on goatee beards. It's a bit like James Bond hunting down Blofeld or Jack Bauer tracking Victor Drazen. Only rubbish. Bill makes a terrible first impression when he flirts with Jo Grant and name-drops Errol Flynn, but poetic justice isn't far off and before you can say "Freud" he's being harassed by a giant rubber penis and a vagina dentata. When he comes to in his cell he conveniently finds himself locked in the very same room as his quarry. This is so coincidental it makes Lost seem positively naturalistic.

The Master is involved. Who saw that one coming?

Freak weather conditions have also hit the production. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that they are shooting the scenes out of order, oh no! Perhaps Fenric is involved? And talking of freaky, what kind of acid were the production team putting in their tea? It's all rather groovy, man. They've got a zoom function and they're gonna use it! Take the scene where Bill is in violated by the one-eyed purple stalk (I'm not making this up!) - it's like a torture scene directed by the Top of the Pops team.

And if groovy isn't your bag, how about a dash of surrealism in the form of Pigbin Josh. I mean, where do you start? His inexplicable French flavoured theme music? His comedy bicycle riding? His 'oooh-arrrrr?' (the only time this line has been uttered on television, outside of the 'Wurzels' and 'Grumbleweeds'). His atypical intelligence? Or his stench which somehow manages to filter its way through your television set? He died like he lived - crunchy.

I suppose I'd better mention Pertwee. Everything that I love and hate about this incarnation of the Doctor is present and correct in this episode. He's pissed off at the Brigadier, contemptuous of Bill, and he just wants to chin Chin, the Colonel Blimp figure who is aided in his incompetence by Sir George, fresh from commandeering a concert party in Burma.

Now, I love this anti-authoritarian side to the Doctor, it's just the pompous and patronising way in which he gets on his high horse. Like Douglas Adams said, "Nobody likes a smart arse". The fact that he seems to hate just about everyone he comes into contact with makes him even harder to like and the best bit of the whole episode occurs when he sarcastically introduces the Axons as "the enemy". The twat.

Ah ha, but the aliens can't possibly be evil because they look like a troupe of gold ballet dancers with conjunctivitis. And they need our help, bless 'em. They immediately attempt to bribe the British government with a lump of rock that can do absolutely everything and anything (except fix their ship. Funny that). It can even pick up BBC3. In fact, this slab of rock is so super-duper it can whisk-up giant frogs on the spot, and you have to admit that there aren't many minerals that can do that. It could keep French restaurants in business for years.

Sorry about the casual xenophobia, but it's just so infectious in this episode.

Chin is immediately seduced by images of giant chicken farms and a filet mignon the size of an aircraft carrier when Jo ruins it all by stumbling upon the truth that was revealed to us over 22 minutes ago: the aliens are actually marauding clumps of over-cooked spaghetti.

It's just a shame that you're past-a caring by this point.

Caved

One of my insane rules has always been that I won't mix Doctor Who stories.  What I mean is that if I've started watching, reading or listening to a story I won't dive into another one at the same time.  It's confusing and something gets diffused along the way.  My only exception is the strip in Doctor Who magazine, because waiting three months or whatever until I'd worked my way through fifteen pages of story is too long.

So here I was tonight with a dilemma.  In the middle of a two part tv story, before me sat The Claws of Axos on shiny disc.  Would watching the third betray the ninth?  I watched the supplementary documentary about 'Reverse Standards Conversion' and saw all the clips of The Master and spaghetti monsters and caved.  This was the classic show -- the new series is a different thing.  Besides there might be a retro clue to what the whole Bad Wolf scenario was.

It's a great story, and actually a perfect choice to counterpoint the new series -- set on Earth with The Doctor fighting a universal threat to the globe.  The pace is also extra-ordinarily fast with very little flab or room for pointless sitting around chatting about what to do next -- everyone just does it.  And for all the people who say the new scripts have too many one-liner's witness the government's treatment of token official buffoon Chin and the final line of the story (which I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't seen it, but is a doozy). 

But funnily enough it seemed to lack the spirit of occasion of the new series.  Has time dissipated the need to find out if Jo Grant gets out of this or that scrape, or was it there before?  Was it really like this in the old days?  The week seems awfully long between new episodes and the anticipation is blinding.  Perhaps because we're used to the ability to put the next episode on straight away after years of videos, dvds and Big Finish, this wait to see what happens is excruciating, even if partly its to see if the next part makes sense of the first.  Or to find out why The Doctor would say, "I can save the world but I could lose you..." which is certain something you'd never hear from Pertwee.  Well not out loud.