Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Speak of the Devils!

This isn't the best Doctor Who story.  It might not even be the best Jon Pertwee story - which is fairly damning.  But it remains a great favourite of mine because apart from being the earliest real Doctor Who memory that I have, it also happened to be shown at one of those moments when I couldn't believe my luck. 

Imagine the scene:  Spring Bank Holiday Monday 27th May 1974.  I'm 5.5 years old (aaah!) and I'm enjoying the fact that for once my dad is not at work, and I'm able to maraud around the house mucking about with him.  One problem - telly isn't much cop.  There's the Galloping Gourmet on ATV, Play School on BBC2, but at least The Pink Panther is on BBC1.  Wonder what's on next?  And then came the twelve most beautiful words I have ever heard from a BBC continuity announcer:  "In place of the scheduled cricket...Doctor Who faces The Sea Devils!".  How many times does that happen in a lifetime?  Faced with nothing but the prospect of Larry the Lamb and Inigo Pipkin at midday, and suddenly Doctor Who crops up.  And the monster that really scares the crap out of me as well.  Result!

I'm intrigued now as to just how young I was when I first saw The Sea Devils, as I can so distinctly remember knowing I'd seen them before when this repeat turned up.  Old listings demonstrate that I either saw the original transmission in early 1972 (when I was three and a bit) or the Christmas 1972 repeat when I was a tender four year old.  Just when does the memory kick-in?  My brother liked the show so I would have been plonked in front of it regardless - maybe I became a fan by osmosis.  But if I had to choose the magical moment that made me a devotee, it was when a grave-voiced continuity man made an announcement because of industrial action.

The programme itself was full of great stuff.  Minefields, sea forts, submarines, hovercrafts, diving bells, and, of course, very scary monsters.  These bits still held up strongly when I saw it again on UK Gold recently, but there was so much else I missed when I was younger. Malcolm Clarke's brilliant music, a convincingly malevolent civil servant (unlike Chinn in The Claws of Axos), and a wonderful turn by Roger Delgado.

Whether he's rowing his exercise bike, chatting with the Doctor and Jo (a nice scene), putting up with the exasperating Trenchard, or imitating a Clanger he simply doesn't put a foot wrong.  Rewatching a lot of these Pertwee episodes recently has convinced me more and more that either UNIT should have arranged an "accident" to befall the Doctor, and through force of circumstance taken on the Master as their scientific adviser; or that the Barry Letts/Terrance Dicks gestalt should have simply written a scenario where an alien force puts the Doctor's mind into the Master's body, but the "Master" is then killed off.  Hey presto!  A regeneration without losing a lifecycle, and you end up with a richly ambiguous, dark and charismatic Doctor without the unfortunate tendency to get on everybody's wick.  Oh well.

I'll never forget my first proper look at a Sea Devil.  Lots of programmes have changed my life over the years, but this was the first.  Nice and simple - childish terror at the sight of a froggy eyed ghoul creeping out of the surf.  The complex bit is why on earth I'm still hooked into this stuff thirty-two years later.  Anal retentive angry loner with OCD, or still filled with a child-like capacity for wonder?  Or both?  Roll on New Earth, but it will never quite be the same again.

City of Heaven

I’ve been really looking forward to this review, and not only because it means we’re close to season 28. It’ll be interesting to see what people choose – there’s bound to be a lot of firsts & favourites. Unfortunately, my first, and last until 2^nd April*, glimpse into Doctor Who was the 1996 TV Movie and there are only so many ways of asking ‘Why?! Why make it like this? Why do they kiss? Why, why, why?’ So instead, it’s my favourite to date: the sublime City of Death.

Originally I set about it like an over-zealous terrier: examining character, dialogue, plot, direction, costume and sets – nothing was safe. At least ten pages were full before I realized my mistake. Needless to say, everything came out of the ordeal spotless but in ripping it apart so ruthlessly I missed the subtle joy which makes it such a unique piece of DW.

That’s not to say I won’t have a prod, only that I’m not intending to examine the nuts and bolts, more the structure as a whole.

Central to this story, and so many others, is the energy and delight with which Tom Baker goes about the role. In a way which was never matched, (except possibly by McCoy and hopefully David Tennant) he loses himself in the character, which is surely the aim of every actor. Either that or it’s him being himself and the character was built around him. But down to the tiniest details it’s flawless – ‘you’re a very beautiful woman, probably...’ so much is summed up in that last word. It’s the Doctor at his best – acting the fool, but saving the day against all the odds.

Then there’s Romana Mk II. Beyond the usual role the companion plays, she is the Doctor’s equal and doesn’t need the fine points of time-travel etc explaining, meaning their delightful banter isn’t ruined. Importantly, though, she still lacks the sense of the Doctor and needs his help in the end. It’s horrible when the dynamic is messed around – Grace knowing everything suddenly toward the end of the TV Movie - ! – but Lalla Ward is the perfect compliment to Tom’s bounciness and they make a formidable double act.

Even though there are relatively few other characters, they are all perfectly realised. Julian Glover was born to play the Bond villain style Count/Scaroth, simply oozing charming suavity and menace. Catherine Schell manages to convince as the ambitious Countess and she boasts the best costume. Of them all, Tom Chadbon's Duggan is the most developed – I love the way he opens a bottle of wine by smashing it off the side-board. Professor Kerensky, blissfully unaware of the truth behind his work poses one of the story’s big themes, (more of later).

It would be a crime to write a review without noting how good it looks. Because the amount shot on film and on location it has a very polished feel but the studio material blend in nicely.

Padding, because padding it undoubtedly is, had never been so good – Tom Baker and Lalla Ward cavorting around Paris, showing off all the monuments and teaching children how to risk their lives crossing busy roads.

What City of Death has, is an ethos...

The sets, however, deserve an award. The sheer level of detail in the chateau’s salon and cellar is astounding. Down to the cobwebs downstairs and the ornaments upstairs it’s every inch a mad scientist’s cave or collector’s display room. Even the equipment looks more credible than usual, although there is a passing resemblance to some super-sized Lego hooked up to a ghetto blaster.

No matter, though, because this is still one of the most beautiful pieces of DW I’ve ever seen – the new series has the gloss but there’s still nothing to match this, yet.

The use of the Mona Lisa as a central plot device is a brilliant stroke and she acts as a barometer for every character – how they view her, and art as a whole, defines what they value. Along with Kerensky she poses the other theme.

Both ideas deal with the brilliant – genius, and its shortcomings; art and how we see it. As I’m avoiding the nuts and/or bolts, I won’t go into exhaustive detail but what City does is examine the two subjects, always drawing it back to the characters and, ultimately, the Doctor. The others’ views on the themes and their reactions show up their weaknesses and so their behaviour later on, when the drama comes to a head, it comes as no surprise what they do, only seamlessly realistic.

It’s a beautifully appropriate fact that this is a story about genius and art, which manages to be a work of both. Because of the wonderful characters, it never has to stoop to the obvious and its message is subtly explored and resolved.

In truth, I’m not a skilled enough writer to sum up in less than 2000 words what makes this so amazing. It’s one of those that I wouldn’t be at all ashamed to watch with people who don’t generally like the series. The DVD extras alone are worth buying it for – much wittier than any others I’ve seen and downright hilarious in parts. It’s also chock-a-block with Easter eggs – I love the one where Douglas Adams talks about his night out in Paris.

But beyond the bits I’ve tried and failed to avoid, it’s the wider principle of what our funny old show can be when it’s given a little more budget and the care in production it deserves. What City of Death has, is an ethos – and it’s one the new series’ team have taken to heart. It’s too soon to see whether David Tennant is going to be on a par with Tom, but certainly he’s thrown himself into it. Little things like, being interviewed on location for the Christmas Invasion, he say ‘I,’ talking about the Doctor rather than ‘he,’ which Eccleston invariably did.

In the end, there’s only one thing to say about it: exquisite. Absolutely exquisite.

*Not a mistake – I forgot Rose was on and only tuned in for The End of the World. Looking back, that was no bad thing.

Flash A-Ha!

I distinctly remember being thrilled by the news that the good Doctor would be getting a much-needed shot in the arm during his 40th anniversary, and the icing on the cake was the fact that this webcast would be "fully animated" by some award winning professionals. I was filled with with nothing but optimism for the project.

What we've left with today is a Peter Cushing/Unbound/George Lazenby-style curiousity that gives us a rare glimpse into a parallel world where Lorraine Heggessey didn't give that infamous green light, and our continued enjoyment of the programme would have revolved around exactly how good our broadband connection was.

It made sense to hire Paul Cornell for this gig: he'd written for the Doctor in all the other mediums and if anyone knew how to kick-start a new era then he was da man. He doesn't disappoint either, with a "classic" village-under-siege plot and some effective monsters that were probably specifically designed to screw with your PC's speakers. His Doctor clashes starkly with McGann's incarnation (as it should be) and the gritty down-to-earth approach is both darkly comic and occasionally unsettling.

However, the animation leaves a lot to be desired. Don't get me wrong - the design and overall look of the piece is great (although I'm still perplexed as to why our hero looks like a vampire) - but the motion is rudimentary at best; more South Park than Akira. Maybe the BBC should have been more careful before it started bandying terms like "fully animated" and "cartoon" around. Having said that, Shalka made the first batch of pan-and-scan webcasts (Death Comes to Continuity, in particular) look like cave paintings in comparison.

But the weakest link of all is, unfortunately, Richard E. Grant. It's hard to tell if he's just trying to stay true to Cornell's miserable, isolationist Doctor or if he just couldn't be arsed.  Not since Tom Baker in season 18 has a Doctor sounded so bored. If this had gone to a series (which I believe was the original plan) then maybe the 9.1 version of the Doctor would have lightened up a bit. Maybe that was the plan all along.

The supporting cast are uniformly fabulous, though. Sophie Okonedo is an immediately likable companion, Craig 'voice of Bravo' Kelly is always a safe pair of hands in a sound booth, and Derek Jacobi is simply sublime as the erudite robo-Master (and what a tantalising bit of unexplained back-story that turned out to be!). Oh, and David Tennant coughs in the background at one point, I think...

But is it canon? Eh? Eh?

As a tongue-in-cheek addendum to this (very short) review please go to this external link. You'll need the Flash 8 player for your browser; if you don't see anything happening you can get this free plugin directly from Macromedia

Web Cast-ellan

Fate gave Scream of the Shalka an unfair advantage for me: the night I settled down to watch it, there was a total power-cut and the only thing left working in the building was this (battery-powered) laptop. You’d have to be pretty stoic to sit in almost total darkness, rain thundering down outside and images of apocalypse on the screen not to be scared.

In the cold light of day, however, it’s no scarier than your average fare but still rather good fun. It’s slow to get started and if anything could be said to be slowest, it’s Richard E. who just can’t, can he? He doesn’t get the character and as the thing progresses, he only deteriorates. Thank goodness he didn’t get the actual gig – I hate to think of him mangling beauties like Dalek. Urgh.

You’d have to be pretty stoic to sit in almost total darkness, rain thundering down outside and images of apocalypse on the screen not to be scared.

The rest is a very mixed bag. The military personnel are just there to be poked fun at but they perform the task admirably, with especial reference to Greaves who brings in plenty of hot sweet tea. Sophie Okonedo is mostly good, but in the middle she sounds very bored. Sir Derek Jacobi is a joy and if they bring the Master back onto our screens, (please-o-please-o-please) he should definitely get a look in.

It does help that he’s given some of the best lines in the script. My favourite is, “I am the Master and you will.....[Doctor enters] come to like me once you get to know me!” but why he’s a robot is anybody’s guess. Possibly that would have been elaborated upon if this had gone onto greater things.

Ultimately, it feels very much like a couple of very witty one-liners taped together by some incredibly boring ones and a slightly dubious plot. Who believes humans’ vocal chords can generate gas? But I suppose that’s just another leap we have to make.

The animation is......limited, to say the least, but the script should have compensated for it, like in Shada, by having less of the action depend on visuals. When it’s doing back-drops or something more abstract, (like the cracks of lava in the pavement) it looks really good but, like most animation, it just can’t do humans. Back to Richard E. Can’t, he doesn’t get the best chance here because without his inherent right, as a Doctor, to girn was taken away and any possible chance of some emotion is taken away by the stony faced figures on screen. Having said that, though, even if you ignore the animation, his voice isn’t any better so let’s blame it on the luvvies rather than the geeks, shall we?

Overall, (and this is admittedly short, but there’s something demoralizing about Sean’s hilarious post – is it worth trying to follow that?) it’s just bogged down by its own limitations and it also lacks an actor in the critical lead roll who can do the job with conviction. Still – there’s no reason to panic since the need for rubbishly animated web-casts has gone – all we have do is wait a week. That is, if we don’t all succumb to Avian Flu which has hit just 25 miles from where I live. Eek! Or should that be squawk...

The Bumper Book of Made up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Scream of the Shalka: Richard E. Grant’s performance was as stilted as it was because he was actually possessed by the spirit of Rodney Bewes at the time and Ian Levine had to be called in to perform the exorcism.

Like A Helter Skelter...

I remember when I first heard about The Scream of the Shalka. It was really exciting news at the time; it was the first serious attempt to do proper new Who since the television movie and they had a real proper actor in line to play the Doctor. I remember being a bit disappointed that it was only going to be animation but it was the closest we were going to get to Who back on our screens at the time.

Once I heard that is was going to be proper animation and not the crap Flash animation we had witnessed on the previous webcasts I was intrigued and when news came through that the animation was going to be done by none other than Cosgrove Hall I was very pleased. I mean I loved Danger Mouse, Jamie and the Magic Torch and Chorlton and the Wheelies and all the other stuff they had produced. I was certain that it was going to be good.

How wrong could I be?

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t really, really bad. It was just bad. I think the main problem was the Doctor, firstly he had a massive back story involving the death of a previous companion which had made him what we was; secondly he had the appearance of a vampire; and thirdly Richard E Grant virtually phoned his performance in. It would be like creating a Big Finish audio using Tom Baker voiced text messaging. He had been a quite good Doctor in the comic relief sketch but here he was completey the opposite. He was also completely unlikable.

The actual story itself is ok and is a very traditional Who story and was written well by Paul Cornell, and the animation in general is also very good (apart from the Doctor) and is very noticeably Cosgrove Hall. I did like the character of Alison who was the companion for the story. She was good and Sophie Okendo played a good part. Derek Jacobi was excellent as the Master although what the hell was the point of having the Master in it, only to discover that he is, in fact, an android copy of the Master the Doctor had created to travel in the TARDIS in. I mean I am sure there is a reason for that somewhere in the back story of this ninth Doctor but it just doesn’t work does it?

Then they only went and commissioned a proper live-action television series before Shalka was even online. It was doomed from the word go.

A pity really, as it could have worked.

8 1/2

This week, class, I want you to compare and contrast two recent revivals of the cult television series ‘Doctor Who’. For the purposes of this exercise you will look at the opening episodes of the 2003 webcast ‘Scream of the Shalka’ and the 2005 Russell T Davies-scripted ‘Rose’.

Pay particular attention to the opening titles and theme tune and how they both echo yet update the classic original. Then notice how the opening shots of both show the planet Earth from space, followed by a zoom into our opening scene.

(You may feel free to ignore the stereotypical ‘funny’ hippy: instead put it down to an aberration on author Paul Cornell’s part).

Speaking of whom, you may of course speculate as to what shape this animated version of the show would have taken had the - ahem - real thing not returned and royally pissed all over its (oven)* chips. Feel free to make direct comparisons between ‘ninth’ Doctor author Cornell and the show’s current television mogul, Russell T Davies (though please refrain from abbreviating him to PC as that would just look silly).

Areas which you may feel important to cover could include: the lack of any on-screen regeneration between Eighth Doctor Paul McGann and his successor / best mate in ‘Withnail and I’ Richard E Cant (and no, that’s not a typo) and the similarly metamorphosis-less opening to ‘Rose’; how the 21^st Century’s ubiquity for mobile phones has even extended to the TARDIS; and is the fat guy at the bar actually ‘Rose’ guest star - and whore for Abbey National - Mark Benton.

Additional marks may be awarded for noticing that the Doctor’s potential new companion has a job, a boyfriend and a yearning for something more from life (but no, citing ‘Queer as Folk’ performers as further evidence of media convergeance will only risk deduction of marks). Extra bonus points also for anyone who spots that ‘this’ ninth Doctor is also a lonely recluse, seemingly haunted by a recent traumatic event in his past.

Finally, examine how spoiled ‘Doctor Who’ fans have become these past two years: back in 2003 it seemed that this ‘animated webcast’ (you may use your own less tortuous epithet should you wish) was the very best hope for having a new series back on our screens, at least in some form. Now it’s little more than a curio starring ‘the other one’ from ‘Withnail and I’ and made by the team that gave you ‘Dangermouse’ and ‘Count Duckula’ (strikingly so, given Mr Cant’s curiously pale complexion and stylised mullet).

All papers to be handed into the department secretary by next Tuesday please.

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about ‘Scream of the Shake ‘n’ Vac’ Part One: writing God and all round professional nerd Joss Whedon threatened to sue BBCi for plagiarising his ‘From Beneath You, It Devours’ shtick from ‘Buffy’s final season. In response, Paul Cornell allegedly asked him outside for a fight).

* For an explanation of this joke, ask Paul Cornell for his favourite anecdote about being asked to write for the 2005 revival.

All the Sights of Wheelie World

I'm probably offline for the next few days so please excuse the untimeliness and brevity of this review.

So...Scream of the Shalka eh?  I'll get the obvious question out of the way first:  why was there a robotic Master in the TARDIS?  Was he a free gift with some Sugar Puffs?  I'd genuinely be interested to hear where they were planning to go with this Doctor before the new series intervened.  The script is peppered with cryptic references to past events, and if one word could sum this Doctor up it would be ennui.  But maybe that's just the performance of Richard E Can't.  I liked episode five because I like zombies, and also because the Doctor spends a lot of his time squeezing a giant zit on Alison's forehead. 

On the whole I found it a strangely dispiriting experience because (apart from the comedy cheeky soldier) it was somewhat po-faced.  A bit like Monkey Dust without the laughs.  I think Cosgrove Hall should have thrown in the odd character from their old cartoons to lighten things up a bit.  Maybe Penfold could have been the Doctor's companion as they took on Baron Greenback, or perhaps rope in Wordsworth the dog from Jamie and the Magic Torch.  If things are looking black and the story is faltering then you can always rely on Chorlton to brighten your day.

Come on Chorlton!  Fenella the witch is in league with the Shalka.  Bring the inexplicable robotic Master with you, and we'll defeat them in the space of approximately eight minutes.

Couldn't fail surely?

Blunder Cats

People pretending to be talking cats! An adolescent girl who is just as important to the plot as the Doctor is! Special guest appearances from second-rate comedians! Scenes set on a council estate! An opening paragraph that telegraphs its punchline so far in advance that I can't bring myself to follow through with it!

It's impossible to watch Part 3 of Survival without succumbing to a growing feeling of anger and resentment, partly thanks to the idiot playing Midge, but mostly because you know it's going to end with the Doctor falling arse-over-tit into a rubbish tip (how embarrassing is that?).

And then nothing. For a very, very long time.

I remember exactly where I was when I originally saw this episode in 1989. "That was a bit shit, wasn't it?" I mumbled to my new girlfriend, who was still labouring under the illusion that I was only watching the programme out of idle curiosity and a hatred for Corrie. I hadn't the faintest inkling that what I'd just witnessed was it. The End. Finito.

To to add insult to injury, things really were looking up when the hammer finally fell. There's no doubt about it - Doctor Who turned a corner during Season's 25 and 26 (a couple of complete duffers notwithstanding), and Survival, despite its many flaws, still felt like Genesis of the Daleks compared to anything that had was transmitted between Seasons 22 and 24. I was eagerly looking forward to the next season as the end credits were rolling; if they could keep this up, I thought, it might even catch on again. I was certainly hooked.

If I had known the truth then I probably would have broken down into hysterical tears, instantly ending any chances I had with this new girlfriend (it was my collection of Target novelisations that she discovered six weeks later that was ultimately responsible for the break-up. Like it was a porn collection!). You see, I really like McCoy's interpretation of the Doctor. No, seriously - he really is my third favourite Doctor and I'm not ashamed to admit it, even if I did try to hide it in the middle of a tedious anecdote about an ex-girlfriend. There's something about the 7th Doctor that I find both charming and captivating. He's mercurial and mischievous, and McCoy displays a truly dynamic screen presence that can be electrifying, especially when all the words containing the letter 'r' have been removed from the script.

I believe every single word McCoy says and his exchanges with Ainley's Master are far more convincing and a thousand times more thrilling than anything hurled by his predecessors. You can feel the Doctor's anger, his barely disguised disgust, his unadulterated indignation as he confronts his arch enemy for what could be the very last time. And I love it.

And then he goes and spoils it all by shouting something stupid like "If we fight like animals..." and then I feel as if that last paragraph was a complete waste of my time. I mean, how can I defend this moment of madness without exhuming Graham Crowden's corpse and dragging him in for questioning?

In Andrew Cartmell's defence, Survival probably looked pretty damn good on paper: bringing the Doctor back to contemporary suburbia and imbuing the everyday with  a mysterious and dangerous threat was something the programme usually excelled at (both then and now), and choosing innocent pussy cats as harbingers of doom probably felt a teensy bit subversive, too. And then there's the age-old tradition of nicking plot-lines from Hollywood, so we get Planet of the Apes. With cats. All well and good.

It's just a shame they picked such a sunny day to film it on.

The incongruous moment where the Master turns up in a drab suburban sitting room should have been eerie and surreal (the closest we'd ever got to a Yeti taking a dump in Tooting Bec) but it's lit so brightly you can't help but find yourself analysing just how bad the wallpaper is.

The ordinary looks too ordinary - there's simply no contrast. Whether we're in a Yoof Club, on an alien planet, outside a council estate or in a playground - it all looks exactly the same: bland, over-lit and utterly devoid of atmosphere. I don't think I spotted one shadow in the entire 25 minutes, and as a result any attempts at scares or menace are blown out of the water with such devastating efficiency, Chief Brody would have been proud. In fact, by fortuitous accident or design, Survival's look and setting manages to bridge the gap between the BBC series and the fan produced videos perfectly. You can hardly tell them apart.

The acting is all over the shop, too. A couple of weeks ago we'd been treated to the sublime Sylvia Simms and Ian Hogg and now we're suddenly saddled with sub Grange Hill-ian yoof acting, the pantomime subtly of the Sarge, the unashamed snarling of Ainley and Will Barton as Midge (nuff said).

But what still irks me to this day it the fact that this story had the potential to wrap up the season (not to mention the series) with a bang instead of a miaow. I mean, come on! You've got a climatic battle between the Doctor and his arch-nemesis, the Master! To the death! On a planet that is tearing itself apart! It's the bleedin' Reichenbach Falls with volcanoes! Sounds far too good to be true, doesn't it?

Well, that's because it is - just as things begin to get interesting, and thanks to a plot device so tenuous and under-explained it still baffles me to this day, the Doctor conveniently finds himself back in Perivale where he repeats the same terrible line about "animals" again! Once is careless...

And what of the Master? Who bloody knows/cares? Maybe he went home too? Maybe he was putting the kettle on before the Doctor had time to collect Ace who was grieving over a woman who used to be a cat who used to be a woman. I think. Seriously, Survival's plot makes Ghost Light look like What's the Story, Ballamory?

Doctor Who and motorbikes just don't mix. either. Day of the Daleks, Delta and the Bannermen, The TV Movie, this. Are you listening, RTD? Don't go and do anything silly like sticking David Tennant on a Vespa or anything, OK?

Finally, I know it's ridiculous to start questioning the logic of a show that revolves around a trans-dimensional police box but I just have to ask:

a) why does the motorbike collision set off a small nuclear explosion?

b) why did the Doctor fly a couple of miles away from the impact zone?

c) Will the Restoration Team insert a flying CGI Doctor when they get around to releasing this on DVD?

It's a crying shame that Survival, Season 26 and the "classic" series had to end like this. It was all going so well....

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Survival: Ironically, when all the adverts and 'corporates' dried up, Gareth Hale and Norman Pace opened a small corner shop just outside Cricklewood. They have a permanent special on cat food and cheese combos if you feel like popping in. On a lighter note, the animatronic cat later found work on Nickelodeon's remake of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Bye Bye Bad Cat Man

After seeing the cat people in the first TARDISode, when you sit and watch Survival you realise what they could have made of the Cheetah people. It does seem, from reading interviews, that Rona Munro herself was not particularly enamoured of the way the Cheetah people were realised by the director and the costume designer. I wonder if she would have been happier with the New Earth style Cat people?

Survival was made nearly 17 years ago (my god, what it really that long ago?) now and when you think about it, at the time, they weren’t actually that bad. Sure, they look silly nowadays, but back then, I thought they were ok. If it were made today I am sure they would be much, much better and much more frightening as they weren’t exactly fierce looking were they? Perhaps that was the whole point though: making them look cuddly so as to disarm people into thinking they were not fierce. 

Episode three of Survival is probably the weakest of the three episodes and probably has the least amount happening in it. Being the final episode of the serial it has to pull all of the disparate threads of the story together and that it does quite well.

The episode was certainly full of set pieces the main one being the climactic motorbike duel between the Doctor and Midge, which was pretty well put together despite the fact that McCoy just doesn’t look right riding a motorbike. Also, the final fight scene between the Doctor and the Master was also quite well done. Although, I think in a fight between McCoy and Ainley, my money would be on Ainley every time!

At the time I genuinely did think that the Doctor might have been killed and would have ended up regenerating and was a little bit disappointed when a few minutes later I discovered that he was fine and just lying on a discarded sofa a few hundred metres away! 

One of the best things about this story was the performance of Anthony Ainley as the Master. Here is far better than he had been as the Master in a long, long time and showed what the Master could have been like if he hadn’t simply been shoehorned into a plot just so that he could appear at least once a year. Here he at least had a purpose and was not superfluous to the plot.

Even McCoy was quite good in this story (and this is from a person who is not a big fan of McCoy’s Doctor) apart from his hollering of “If we fight like animals, we die like animals” which I always find cringe-worthy, and Ace wasn’t so much of a spoiled brat as she could be in some stories.

You even get so see FHM favourite Adele Silva in an early role as snot-faced brat Squeak and, in the first episode, creators of The Stonk, Hale and Pace as two shop keepers. I guess that their casting was a prime example of the stunt casting people talk about today, or just symptomatic of JNT’s insistence on casting know names even in the smallest of roles.

The direction in this story is also pretty good and they actually succeed in making a quarry look like an alien landscape here with the clever use of filters and computer effects as they did in The Greatest Show In The Galaxy (also directed by Wareing and featuring the same quarry).

You could also comment on the fact that this story is almost like a blue print for the new series with it being set on present day Earth on a council estate (albeit a nice looking, middle class version of a council estate). I mean where are all the bikes left lying in the middle of the street, or cars with broken windows, the knocked down wheelie bins and the smell of burning tyres! Actually, I think that is where the comparisons between this and the new series end.

If the show had not come back last year, or the movie had not been made, this would have been a disappointing final episode, with a very tacky walking off into the sunset ending. Thankfully it wasn’t.

Please don't kill me!

I liked it.

There, I said it.

I always liked Sylvester McCoy, I would love him even if he went to Eastenders, or even *shudders* Hollyoaks. I like Survival. Admittedly, the last episode is the poorest of the lot, but I still liked it. I think the Cat people are well done, especially now that I've seen the new Cat people, who look like they've just had a fun day out at Butlins. The furry cats I believe are much more realistic than the new, "better than ever" clean shaven ones. I like the planet. Admittedly, just another quarry, but the lighting gives it an incredible glow that makes it feel alien. I like the Master, who at last gets the chance to escape from the shadow of Roger Delgado and play the character his own way. After all, the Doctor changes, why shouldn't the Master?

Admittedly, the bike scene does look silly. As does the Doctor sticking out of the heap of rubbish. As does the second "If we fight like animals, we'll die like animals!". Why did he say it twice?!? It would have been so much better if he'd just collapsed onto the road exhausted. Admittedly, there is a lot to criticise, but everything has faults. And this episode always entertains me, it always is an enjoyable piece of television. Oh, if only you all could see what I see: a final goodbye (well, it seemed like it) to an epic show, and the way I see it, as damn fine an ending as it could have had. Better to end here than with Twin Dilemma, right? Then it probably wouldn't have come back. When all is said and done, this episode really did give the show its best chance of Survival.

And I like the bit at the end as well. Nyaah!

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Survival: The infamous "If we fight like animals, we'll die like animals!" line was an unscripted addition after McCoy got into a fight with Anthony Ainley over who should have the final voice over. The fight lasted for three days, and only ended when the quarry caved in. After they had been dug out, the loss of time meant that they couldn't film anything else, so the episode had to be hastily glued together with the material they had recorded.

Teeth Acting

I should just say that there are absolutely loads of Doctor Who stories that I love, and I even watched The Time Monster this weekend and found it strangely enjoyable.  Thinking about it, that might have been because:

a) It had Ingrid Pitt in it
b) It wasn't The Mutants

But all my positivity is crushed into a corner when faced with Survival: Part Three...

It's amazing what an impact rewatching these old episodes has had on me.  The last one in particular had me revisiting the bad old days when I was getting sick of the series but hanging on out of some weird sense of duty, as well as being reluctant to give up on something in which I had invested so much emotional energy.  The casting of Sylvester McCoy was the last straw.  I had nothing against him personally, as I had been a huge fan of him when he was in Tiswas, but to my mind he was the diametric opposite of the kind of actor that might have saved the show.  And so I washed my hands of Doctor Who, watched the first five episodes in a totally detached manner, and went off to University not exactly desperate to see the second episode of Paradise Towers.  I don't think I watched Doctor Who again until The Tomb of the Cybermen came out on VHS.  The only McCoy episodes I have seen since then are the ones released on DVD, and nothing there makes me think I missed anything.

But as Sean said in one of his reviews, to an extent we should now be able to look back at the bad days and find it less painful.  The series is back, made with love, and popular with the mainstream audience, so there's no need to worry as much about this sorry end to the classic series back in the dog days of Thatcherism.  I've done with the post-traumatic stress and have moved on, and its time to consider the real issues raised in Survival.

Why does the Master keep doing an impression of Bruce Forsyth?  Is there some deep significance to this, or is he just trying to keep his false teeth in?  Ainley was famous for his "teeth acting" (probably seen to best effect in The Five Doctors), but here he's developing "false teeth acting" which is an altogether more unruly beast.  But at least Ainley's presence reminds me that I'm watching Doctor Who, because otherwise it looks like one of those piss-poor ITV children's shows like The Tomorrow People, Into the Labyrinth or The Feathered Serpent.  Why couldn't they get unconvincing teenagers that could actually act?  I mean Press Gang was on at this point, and seemed to have an endless supply of excellent actors working alongside Dexter Fletcher.  And although it's bad when the supporting cast stumble about like half-wit refugees from an unreleased Children's Film Foundation production circa 1972, things get so much worse when the regulars aren't fit to lead by example.

When my dad had to put up with substandard thespians he used to quietly comment that "They couldn't act daft!".  This phrase was ringing in my ears when I watched episode three of Survival.  McCoy is an embarassment - even I'd heard about the infamous delivery of "If we live like animals we die like animals" but I hadn't appreciated the full horror until I saw it with my own eyes, and Aldred is scarcely any better.  The 1980s were a bleak decade in many ways, but television drama was as good as it had ever been, and even the soaps had raised their game with the coming of EastEnders.  Doctor Who just wasn't fit to be a peak-time programme anymore.  Hang on...maybe the post-traumatic stress is still around.  I can feel my blood pressure rising, so I'll have to undergo the Janov-style primal scream aversion therapy techniques I first tried in 1990.  It involves living in a room full of flashing lights (a la Invasion of the the Dinosaurs) while David Dimbleby intones the titles of all Doctor Who adventures from the start until The Caves of Androzani.  If I refer to any adventure subsequent to this, then I have to watch Time and the Rani while enduring shock treatment with a soundtrack of Bonnie Langford as Violet Elizabeth Bott thcreaming until she is sick.  Couple of weeks of that, and I'm usually sorted.  It's just the pesky real world that keeps getting in the way.

Survival Instinct

The TARDIS materialises on a London street where the Doctor has promised his young sidekick a chance to catch up with old friends. Elsewhere, strange happenings have seen several residents mysteriously disappear, while an old enemy waits to spring his trap.

Admit it - this sounds like an amalgamation of one or more of last year’s Ninth Doctor and Rose stories, or at the very least one of BBC books’ tie-in novels. But it is, of course, the plot of ‘Survival’, which as we all know was the last transmitted story in Doctor Who’s original 26-year run. What goes around comes around, it seems; even for Doctor Who. And it’s somehow fitting that - even when the death-knell had been called back in 1989 - the seeds of the programme’s resurrection were already in place in this very story.

I think it’s fair to say that Doctor Who - like much of Perivale’s residents in this story - just disappeared one December night at the end of the eighties. No fanfare, no outcry, just gone; with seemingly endless promises that it would, one day, return. Of course the BBC had learned their lesson four years previously: and this time there would be no tabloid-baiting talk of cancellation. Just a carefully worded statement of doors still being open and private companies being consulted.

But the thing is, would anyone have noticed even if they had admitted they were scrapping it. As I recall, most people didn’t know that Doctor Who was even still on by 1989, let alone bothered by it. Michael Grade’s original cancellation, it seemed, had condemned the show to the backwaters of people’s memories irrespective of whether it was permanent or not. And when Doctor Who finally didn’t return for the first time in twenty-six years, no-one but the hardcore seemed to bat an eyelid.

So, did it leave with a bang or a whimper? How you answer that will depend on where you sit on the whole question of Doctor Who’s final three years of Coronation Street-opposed adventures. Certainly ‘Survival’ is not the best example of these Andrew Cartmel-led attempts to drag Doctor Who kicking-and-screaming into the 1980s. But it’s perhaps one of the better examples of how the show was trying to fuse a modern aesthetic onto its timeless concepts. And ironically enough, where the new series has rooted itself firmly in an everyday arena for artistic reasons, back in 1989 the need to place domesticity before fantasy was for purely budgetary reasons. Which surely illustrates better than anything else the radical change in audience tastes and the dynamic of sci-fi / fantasy shows during Doctor Who’s sixteen-year sabbatical.

But to approach ‘Survival’ is to approach the whole of eighties Who in microcosm: big concepts with often poor realisation, all dressed up in some am-dram acting and the occasional famous face who really should have known better. On the plus side is some effective direction from Alan Wareing and a resonant - though rather heavy-handed - metaphor about survival of the fittest (one doubly resonant for a show literally on its last legs). On the minus side, there’s that old fault of the McCoy stories: insufficient material to fill even three episodes. Oh, and Hale & Pace.

Episode one is certainly the best - and most traditional. There’s a real belief in debutant Rona Munro’s script (hardly surprising given how the author’s career has gone from strength to strength) and Wareing brings a style and verve that only Graeme Harper would surpass this decade. And hindsight has only made us more aware of how little the current Doctor Who has really changed form this, despite the production team’s protestations otherwise. Feisty, relatable companion - check. Suburban setting - check. Gratuitous use of popular contemporary comedy act (dare I mention Peter Kay’s casting in ‘Love & Monsters’?).

God help us, even Anthony Ainley’s (mostly) excellent, while the whole ‘Show me’ shtick of part one could have been an ‘Are you my Mummy..?’ of its day had only anyone been watching. But as if to prove the law of diminishing returns, episodes two and three peter out quite markedly; with three in particular offering little more than the so-bad-it’s-good spectacle of the Doctor’s bike duel with Midge and the sight of future Emmerdale sex-siren Adele Silva as a snotty-nosed brat. Hard to believe, but apparently some Who fan-club has made her honorary president on the basis of this Before they were Famous outtake.

And so before we know it Ace is sobbing over a Big Finish extra and the Doctor’s pining for some cold tea. Yes, to add insult to injury Doctor Who isn’t even allowed a grandstanding finish to its record-breaking run; instead the Doctor and Ace wander away into the bushes to the strains of a poorly-dubbed voiceover. And somewhere Philip Segal is writing a letter to the BBC.

Doctor Who had certainly had its fair share of cancellation-worthy moments in the 1980s but - despite ‘Survival’ not being the best case for its defence - Season 26 saw a confidence and maturity which at last suggested a corner had been turned. As we know, the BBC thought otherwise and pulled the plug - leaving fan speculation as to the shape of another season (and the prospect of another Doctor) - to be one of the series’ many if onlys. And forever befuddle those who can’t believe that the final curtain came here instead of straight after ‘Timelash’…

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about ‘Survival’: the originally scripted end had Sylvester McCoy playing spoons to the tune of ‘It’s a Wonderful World’ until someone pointed out that Douglas Adams had already done this. But without the spoons.)

Kill me now

There are three simple rules to writing the perfect Doctor Who story, and The Twin Dilemma is proof that no one knows what they are.

Mathematicians live via proofs. If you've ever studied maths at undergraduate level, you will probably have been made to demonstrate that certain things are true. It's often really quite simple, but can take years - even centuries (read 'Fermat's Last Theorem' if you don't believe me - it knocks socks off 'The Da Vinci Code').

When I was studying maths I quite liked the proof aspect, even though I never really understood it. My favourite type of proof is the one where if you can't prove something to be true, you just prove everything else to not be true. Easy.

And so this is where The Twin Dilemma really comes in useful, because by being so universally bad in just about every regard it comes as close as any other story to proving the idea that there has to be a template for the perfect story.

(In native Yorkshire dialect, "T'win dire lemmer" means "pile of crap")

I was around 13 at the time of broadcast and had just enjoyed The Caves of Androzani which, together with several other stories that season, showed that Davison had just about nailed his portrayal of The Doctor just as he decided to throw in the towel. But here was something new - we didn't have to wait nine months to see the new Doctor! It was quite a clever move, I thought (though in retrospect it deprived us of another Davison story, though can you imagine him in this drivel?) and although I wasn't immediately enamoured of Colin Baker from what I'd seen, I was looking forwards to giving him a go.

As it turned out, I liked Colin and his dry wit, but he wasn't particularly well-served by a significant dip in production standards on the series.
The chasm between moody Caves and this 'hell we're paying for the lights, let's turn them all on!' approach is a bigger shock to the system than the arrival of colour TV to the series, and given the choice of costume you can imagine several million households around the UK wishing for the return of monochrome.

But let's go back a bit and see what I was thinking at the time. I liked the edgy nature of the Doctor - it made me feel somewhat nervous in much the same way as Rose managed to in the Children in Need episode. But I didn't like the story, or the slugs. It's bad enough that I have a bit of a fear of slugs anyway, so the idea of man-sized ones gave me the willies. However, the execution of the gastropods left a lot to be desired and given the problems they had with the Tractators a few weeks before, you have to ask yourself why anyone thought things were going to be any better this time round.

Put yourself in the shoes of script editor. A storyline lands on your desk that is Twin Dilemma. On a casual perusal, it seems pretty standard fare, and the author has a good track record, so it's worth following up. But are there any potential problems? Let's see now... can the costume department make decent-looking slugs? That would have been my first - and last - question.

Oh sod it - let's cut to the chase, shall we? Worst story ever. If it were wiped from the archives tomorrow it would not be missed. If you do watch it, watch it alone and wearing dark glasses. With the sound turned down. And a completely different tape in the machine. And the TV switched off. In another room.

Incidentally, in today's Guardian, Woolworths have just reported a huge dip in sales. This downward slide seems to stem from the decision to be the only retailer to stock The Twin Dilemma on VHS. They thought it was a scoop, the BBC thought it was the safest way to ensure that all extant stories were released without alerting the great British public to the fact that yes, they were right, Doctor Who was occasionally really rather bad.

No Dilemma - It Stinks

It was never going to be an easy ride for Colin was it? Saddled with that surname he will always be known as the lesser Baker and unfortunately, on television at least, he will always be the lesser Doctor. Usually we look back on these vintage stories and lament that time hasn't been kind to many of them, but I don't think any time was kind to this monstrosity. And let's face it - even 'that' coat fairs better than The Twin Dilemma.

It's so rubbish that rather than waste my time telling you what you know already, I thought I'd show you some pictures of my cat. On second thoughts, as were talking twins, here is a photograph of a couple of guts that were seperated at birth.

Yes, that's mine on the right. Chris Moyles meets Margaret Rutherford in Murder at Star One. We only had one set of man boobs with us that day and I thought it only fair that Colin borrow them for meeting his public. Oh when will I get to stand aside a new Doctor who isn't charging me £15 for his autograph!

Anyway back to that Dilemma. I actually liked Baker's darker side and while no Doctor should ever kill Peri (and no I still dont know what a PERI is - well OK,Wikipedia did clear that one up for me), it made for an interesting regeneration gone wrong scenario - much better than Davison's limp Oh I've got a headache, better have a lie down moment.

Anyway all these complimentary remarks about this travesty are making me quite weak - quick, get me to the zero room.

Boss One

Daleks are boss. This episode isnt.

Sorry I'm falling behind with the reviews and that's all I have to say on the matter.

Yuck!

The Twin Dilemma is not a very good story, and I don’t think many fans could disagree with me. It is one of the very few stories that have absolutely no merit at all (such as Paradise Towers). It is a shame really as it could have been so much better (but it couldn’t have been much worse!).

I am sure being the next story after the fantastic Caves of Androzani doesn’t help and really does show the shortcomings of the story and also how good Who can be when it is done well. For instance look at the direction in Caves and then look at the direction in The Twin Dilemma. Pedestrian is one word I could use to describe Peter Moffat’s direction. Crap would be another but wouldn’t be as constructive. The problem I have with his direction in general is that it is often very boring and it is almost like he just points the camera and shoots and then decides to leave it at that. You just can’t see any flair in any of his episodes.

The story is a pretty basic tale of alien slugs wanting to take over the universe. Fair enough you might say, this sounds pretty standard b-movie fair and could, in the hands of a talented writer turn into a pretty good yarn. Sadly what we go was not a good yarn. I am not too sure who should take the lion’s share of the blame. Should it be Anthony Steven who wrote the original script, or should it be Eric Saward who, as script editor, commissioned it in the first place and allowed it to go out as it was? I am not too sure. I would probably say Saward is to blame for this. As far as I am aware Anthony Steven was a highly respected television writer at the time but someone who was new to Doctor Who. You could say that he just wasn’t suited to writing Doctor Who but Saward was the script editor of the series and sometimes, even he, wasn’t suited to writing for Doctor Who (especially when it came to the character of the Doctor) so what does that tell you? In the end thought it was Steven’s plot so he should also take a lot of the blame.

Now, if you said that this story featured actors of the calibre of Maurice Denham and Kevin McNally you would have thought that they would give a good account of themselves. Sadly you would be wrong. Both Denham and McNally are quite bad in this story, no doubt hampered by some poor dialogue and direction. McNally is the worst offender here. He was simply terrible as Hugo Lang but, luckily for us, he is hardly in episode one except near the end. However even their acting did not plumb the depths of that of Paul and Gavin Conrad as the genius twins Womulus and Wemus, the biggest pair of tits a lot of Doctor Who fans are likely to see. Now I know that was probably their first acting job but they were just awful.

Colin Baker, however, gave a reasonable performance in his first story as the Doctor, despite been given some awful material to work. I mean I know they were trying something different in making this Doctor different from his predecessor but did they have to make him so unlikeable? I know he is only unstable and erratic because of the after effects of his regeneration but did they really think that this would make the new Doctor popular with the audience when he tried to strangle Peri (I am sure that some people would probably say yes here)? If that was the case then it was a poor judgment on the part of the production team, virtually alienating the shows audience from the lead character.

The idea of the Jacondan’s was actually quite good, and brave, as the show had never before attempted an avian race but the less said about their realization in the story the better. Sadly the same can be said for the Gastropods and Mestor himself.

In the end it is a mixture of poor acting, bad scripting and insipid direction that make this story so bad, and downright unwatchable at times.

The Sky Plus Dilemma

I'm not going to slag off The Twin Dilemma Part One.

I can't - I've never seen it.

Blame fate; blame common sense; blame Woolworths if you like.

Personally, I blame Sky Plus. You see, despite the fact that I didn't own a copy of this episode when I initially picked this schedule, I knew that UK Gold were going to repeat it at some ungodly hour of the morning, ages before we'd get around to reviewing it.

Up until that point, The Twin Dilemma was a bit like The Power of the Daleks to me: just another one of those stories I'd never see, only this time it was a conscious decision. Sure, I could have chosen something vaguely palatable from the Colin Baker era for Stripped Down Free, but then I remembered that we'd already done Varos and Revelation and so I thought - why not? I'll put myself through it. Who knows, I might even like it; I can be a contrary bastard sometimes (I love the Roland Emmerich remake of Godzilla, for example).

A new Doctor should get the lion's share of the budget - not the dregs. It should be a showcase, not a jumble sale!

Now, you are probably expecting me to tell you that Sky Plus lost its 'signal strength' or that it mysteriously wiped the recording from the hard-drive in the middle of the night, but that isn't what happened: it recorded the story without a hitch; and thanks to UK Gold's advertising ratio it also took up a whacking 20% of my hard-drive.

Anyway, I started to watch it a few days later. I got as far as the bit when the Doctor changes into his new costume (it's about 7 minutes in, I think, it just felt longer) and then I couldn't take it anymore. And so I paused the playback, vowing to return to it at a later date (preferably when I wasn't sober).

Weeks pass. My hard drive starts to fill up with episodes of Deal or No Deal, Master Chef Goes Large, Hollyoaks Goes Even Larger and my wife's prized collection of Property Ladder repeats.

Now, in theory I could have burnt some of the above onto a DVD in an effort to alleviate the pile-up of digital dross, but in practice I consistently forgot to buy any blanks DVDs.

It suddenly gets to the point when I'm faced with an agonising decision:

1. Sacrifice my Deal or No Deal addiction and miss the episode I need to record while I'm off watching V for Vendetta (film of the year so far, by the way; I just had to crowbar that in)
2. Delete some Sarah Beaney bollocks and stare divorce straight in the eye or
3. Delete The Twin Dilemma

Seriously, what would you have done?

So, this is my review of the first seven minutes of The Twin Dilemma. Hell, if Damon can review the first 90 seconds of K9 and Company I can waffle on about seven minutes. Just look at how much space I've taken up so far.

Before I get started, I have to say that this story was probably doomed from the get-go. And no, I'm not talking about the casting of the lead, or even the script, I'm talking about the decision to place this story at the end of Season 21.

Not only does it rob the viewers of the ultimate cliffhanger, which will hopefully drive them back to the show after its impending break (then again, didn't Attack of the Cybermorons do well in the ratings, in which case what the hell do I know?), but it also gives Colin less time to prepare for the role, and, even more importantly, there's less time available for someone with some balls to talk JNT out of that bloody costume decision.

But even worse than that, the sixth Doctor has to make his debut when all the money has run out. A new Doctor should get the lion's share of the budget - not the dregs. It should be a showcase, not a jumble sale! I mean, has a story ever looked cheaper or nastier this side of, well, any other 'end of season' story you could care to mention? What were they thinking?

I hate to appear shallow but it all comes down to that bloody costume for me. What can you possibly say? Just imagine an alternative universe where the 4th Doctor is trying out his new wardrobe and the Brigadier tells him to make do with the Viking get-up, and then the 4th Doctor is remembered for the size of his horns instead of his scarf. Or try to imagine what would have happened if McCoy had really decided to go with that question mark pullover (oh hang on...).

The costume should have been a throwaway joke. It should have enjoyed exactly the same amount of screen time it took before a) the audience felt nauseous and b) faintly embarrassed/incredulous.

The costume also destroys any attempts to make this Doctor dangerous. Even when he's trying to throttle his companion he still looks like a bloody circus clown. Just imagine if Colin had been allowed to wear a Master-like Nehru jacket instead. No matter how bad the script, or how awful the acting - in fact, let's just say that made season 22 exactly the same way, just with a jet-black coat - it would have been better. Not great - just better.  Watchable, even.

In fact, if I won the Euro lottery and I had loads of money to piss away I'd probably hire the Restoration Team to remaster Timelash so that Baker wore something that didn't burn out the viewer's retinas.

Oh **** it, who am I kidding?

Ok, let's skip to the infamous strangulation scene. Yes, I know that I didn't actually get that far but I have seen The Colin Baker Years on video (what was I thinking?) and so I am au fait with this particular moment. It's shocking, brave and utterly ridiculous - all at the same time. I quite like the idea of making the Doctor unstable, if not downright insane, but trying to murder a companion is a pretty severe course of action, even when it's the "whine on legs" that is Peri (if only Davison had gone through a similar thing with Adric). But it could have been a lot worse: he could have jumped up and down shouting 'Hot Dog!'...

There's some other stuff in this episode. All of it badly lit. Some bloke called Maurice Denham is in it: he looked vaguely familiar, and his name certainly rings a bell, but I really can't place him. Oh, and then there's the titular twins who have the mathematical skill to alter reality but they still can't conjure up a half-decent haircut.

Well, that's seven minutes of my life I've never get back. Still, that episode of Deal or No Deal was a cracker!

The BBMUDF has this to say about The Twin Dilemma Part 1 (the opening 7 mins): The original brief for Colin's costume was "the ultimate in bad taste" but JNT vetoed the initial deign which would have seen the sixth Doctor parading around in an Hawaiian shirt.

PS - I am relieved to tell you that I successfully managed to record Survival and it's currently sitting safely on my laptop...

Twins of Evil

Hello all - it’s my birthday today (no, don’t all rush into a chorus of Many Happy Returns, will you) and I’ve actually had a rather special day. The sort of day when you actually forget all the frustrations and failings of your everyday life and reach some sort of contentment; the sort of day when buying a TARDIS money box brings a child-like gleam to your eyes and hearing a certain BAFTA nomination makes you want to grab the nearest stranger and shout ‘See, it is worthwhile of thirty years of adoration, after all’.

But it’s also the kind of day which you know can’t last forever. And just as the spectre of domestic and professional drudgery rears its ugly head once more, one final task reminds you that that day of cake and candles is over for another year.

Last year I spent the eve of my birthday breathlessly awaiting Doctor Who’s televisual rebirth. This year I watched arguably the beginning of its then terminal decline; the first dark patch on the x-ray which would spell death in just five short years.

Tonight I watched The Twin Dilemma, episode one.

Of course, nothing will come close to the pain and embarrassment of that first viewing some twenty-two years ago. Nothing will emulate the reaction of a not-quite twelve-year-old boy to his boyhood pride-and-joy being reduced to the level of an embarrassing auntie pissing herself all over the living room rug. And nothing will scream louder than the thought that they followed ‘The Caves of Androzani’ with this.

Instead, there’s just a quiet air of nostalgic amusement that here was the start of my self-denial regarding the show I had loved like a parent for so very, very long. For here is the point when - for me - the word ‘fan’ took on the meaning of ‘apologist’. Because over the next five years - to one degree or another - I would have to apologise to people for Doctor Who. And agree with them that, yes, it really wasn’t the same show they had watched and loved back in the 70s. Like a grief-stricken mother in denial over their wayward child’s decline, I would spend the next five years trying to reassure people that this was a blip, an aberration, a temporary setback. That pretty soon the show that they (and I) had loved would be back, better than ever. And that all this really was just down to a difficult regeneration.

Twenty-two years later, I look back and know that I was right. It may have taken the best part of two decades, but that show that everyone had watched and loved is back, perhaps better than ever. I’ve already mentioned a certain BAFTA nod which proves as much.

So, why should I wallow in just how god-damn bloody awful those twenty-five minutes of Who were - and have remained - over the last two decades? Let’s instead view ‘The Twin Dilemma’ with the rose-tinted (pardon the pun) spectacles that Russell T Davies and co have slapped on our noses and (largely) refused to let us take off ever since. And let’s celebrate ‘The Twin Dilemma’ in all its awfulness, safe in the knowledge that its rank and retched stench of a show in freefall decline is but the first stage of a breathtaking revival.

So, in no particular order…

 

Anthony Steven

Just who the hell was he? Why has DWM never caught up with him (they finally found Christopher Bailer, after all)? And is it true that Salman Rushdie has been seen out and about in an Iranian village more than Steven has outside of his front door?

The Twins

Simply the piss-laced icing on the shit-sponge-sandwich of ‘Dilemma’s cake. I’m not sure if it’s their pudding-bowl haircuts, their still-born line delivery or their resemblance to a young Nicholas Lyndhurst that does it for me. Take your pick, they’re soooooo bad that you actually start to pine for Matthew Waterhouse. Really.

Colin Baker

Of course.

Peri’s ‘character’

From gutsy and likeable to whiny and unbelievable in just one short week. Accepts the regeneration with barely an ‘Uurgh’ then has the temerity to be so irritating as to warrant her near-strangulation at the new Doctor’s hands. And barely has a word of thanks for the man who - twat that he’s now become - did actually give his life for her.

The waste of Maurice Denham

Imagine him in a ‘Talons’ or a ‘Pyramids’ instead and try not to weep. Brings the episode a quiet dignity it completely fails to warrant in every other way.

Oh God, that costume

Twenty-two years have scant nullified that first sighting of the vomit-coat and its ‘totally tasteless’ accoutrements. Why-oh-why did Colin Baker not stand firm and insist on the all-black suit he once suggested. Would David Tennant have kow-towed to such tunnel-visioned misjudgement? Would Eccleston? I think not.

The Jacondans

Cut-price Klingons who simply scream ‘the budget’s run out’ from the highest roof-top.

The waste of Kevin McNally

Today he’s been pretty much superb in some of the most highly-regarded dramas of British television. Back then he was one of only two performers even trying to take things seriously. How his career survived this early car-crash CV entry is anyone’s guess…

The Commander’s line: ‘…and may my bones rot for doing so’.

They will, dear. They will.

The Sixth Doctor’s penchant for playing with his ear.

Was this some subtle attempt to create a Pertwee-style, neck-rubbing affectation for the character? Or just Colin Baker shamelessly attempting to keep the camera on himself as long as possible?

‘Thou craggy nob’

Takes one to know one, Col.

Mestor

Part tractator, part deely-bopper. All shit.

The first cliff-hanger showing a close-up of Colin Baker’s wobbly chins

Get used to it, folks - we’ve got two seasons of this yet.

 

To try and put the above into some sort of context: certain shows ‘jump the shark‘; others just run out of steam and limp to an ambling conclusion. ‘The Twin Dilemma’, however, not only jumps said shark: it soars straight over it, performs a mid-air pirouette with triple-salko attachment and lands on its big, fat arse on the other side. It’s the sort of jump only Steve McQueen and Evil Kenievel would dare perform; and one of them broke their neck doing so.

And to think, ‘Timelash’ is even worse than this.

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about, ahem, Twin-thingy: Colin Baker was so hungry during rehearsals that he actually attempted to eat one of Nicola Bryant’s buttocks. Fact.)

Through the Keyhole Blackhole

I suppose there's no point in being smug, getting ahead of the game by writing your reviews in advance and then, er, forgetting to actually post them. Just for that, you're going to have to read my reviews a few weeks too late. Like it's your fault...

The other problem is that this seemed funny at the time. I'm not sure it is now:

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Loyd Grossman: Who would live in a lair like this?

This week we're in the home of yet another super-villain - only this one seems to be blazing a trail away from the under-the-volcano base we're used to. There are no female guards in skin-tight Lycra (more's the pity) or thickset stooges standing precariously near to walkways over shark-infested pools.

Today's mystery guest is a true child of the 70s which is ironic because - and this may be your first clue - he's been exiled here since the dawn of creation. So either the big glass bauble look is coming round again (after several millennia), or he's got a keen eye for current trends.

If you're watching in colour, you're certainly getting your money's worth here with all the R, G and B your set could possibly produce. If your eyes aren't watering then either you need to upgrade to a colour TV or simply dust the screen.

Our guest this week has a large staff to take care of his every need, and quite an imagination - though clearly not the will to finish any of the projects he undertakes. This is someone whom ladies might be attracted to for the obvious wealth and universal domination aspects, but if you want some shelves putting up I'd get a professional in.

Given the obvious wasteland look, the lack of visitors and the large jelly-shaped creatures and their strange guttural utterances, you may be forgiven for thinking that our mystery guest is in fact Noel Edmonds and that this is the ill-fated Crinkly Bottom theme park, but you'd be wrong. Nor, indeed, as one contestant speculated, is this Cromer. It's not the end of the universe, simply another one all together.

Here's a picture of a mystery woman: is it his *aunty*? It doesn't *matter*. And that's another clue.
Taking a look at the decor, the obvious ego on display and the lack of any nostalgic ephemera you might think this was the lair of your average alpha male - well think again. We're at the opposite end of the scale.

So it's back to the studio for our guests to decide who lives behind the keyhole - I mean, black hole. Is it evil scientist and genetic engineer, Davros? Or could it be The Great Intelligence? Perhaps you think it's The Celestial Toymaker? Or is it creator of the Time Lords themselves, the maniacal Omega?

Twinned with schizville

I knew the blog would get either really heated with outpouring of bile or deathly silent as people stopped bothering at this point. Sigh. There are plenty of good Colin Baker adventures out there – um...... there’s the one with....no, that was Tom.... well.... Ok, so there aren’t, but why this one? My thing is, on first viewing, I’ll love anything Doctor Who. Honestly, stick those titles on the front and I’m sold. However, I couldn’t like this. It lacks one vital element – a Doctor. This is my second shot at the infamous Twin Dilemma and its whole worthlessness has sunk in. I didn’t like it then, (2 months ago) and I like it less now.

Romulus and Remus are our first glimpse into this new era and they’re whiny, boring and – worst of all – they like maths. I cannot sympathize with mathematical characters because it just triggers flash-backs to those ghastly mental math tests where I’d get about 2/10. ‘Equations’ looks like a sophisticated form of Snake II and in the very beginning they could be playing noughts and crosses for how hard it looks. Ooo!! Moving pyramids around a board, what fun.

Post-regenerative stress, can I say, is no excuse for pisspoor taste. The coat...! It’s horrific.

Their father, pity the man – he has to live with them, is equally boring and is, I guess, an alcoholic. Don’t know why, it just fits with the tone of the entire episode and kids like that would drive a Liberal Democrat to...

Finally, we see our new Doctor. I have to laugh when he admires his good looks. It’s just so comic. Colin Baker is possibly the scariest monster in this. All the horrified fans out there – petrified by the havoc he’s wreaking on their show. Post-regenerative stress, can I say, is no excuse for pisspoor taste. The coat...! It’s horrific. Perhaps I’m overreacting, but why he did have such an object in the wardrobe room – ahem, more like a high-school drama dept’s eclectic collection of all-purpose out-fits.

The reaction Peri gives – man I hate that girl – is totally wrong. Be sad, not whiney. Confused, not dismissive. One million light years away from the Pudsey Cutaway last year. Admittedly, he is acting very strange; screaming about the monotony of the universe and all.

The Jacondans look like extras from next summer’s blockbuster: Narnia – Spaceage!

The mercifully few glimpses of our villains – Mestor, (I swear they pronounce it ‘Nestor’) and Edgeworth – reveal them to be a slimy bunch. Mestor’s painful reveal loses any potential for suspense with its protracted execution. Ooo, we see a bit, hear his voice; ah, we see a bit more. When we get round to his regality perched on a throne it’s totally underwhelming. Of course, a villain of his quality was never going to get the mentally balanced hopping behind any sofas but it’s the bad ones who need the most help, y’know.

On a lighter note, the Jacondans, (yeah, we’re not meant to know their race at this point but I cheated) look like extras from next summer’s blockbuster: Narnia – Spaceage! They are indescribably camp. See the one who stands in, ‘ooo deary me!’ mode behind Azmael, sorry, Edgeworth.

At various points we get more views of the dreadful twins’ antics. No improvement in the acting, (these kids could definitely take lessons from the group in The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances) but there is a curious creaking sound as they send out a distress call. No, it isn’t their wooden performance, it’s a leather duvet. Why? Who knows.

Meanwhile the magic bridge-crew who can find information on rubbish computer screens without looking have sent off a search party which crashes on Titan 3. Convenient as it means there’s but one actor to pay and he bumps into Peri and the Doctor, fresh from trying to strangle her. I cannot sympathise more, anyone forced to put up with her would eventually snap, although it’s a very creepy scene – is he only trying to strangle her? If they didn’t want to give that impression, some wiser staging would’ve been a good move.

So they drag Lieutenant Lang into the TARDIS and leave him on the console room floor. Why never try to get him somewhere comfortable? Anyway, he wakes up and threatens to shoot the Doctor. Someone, somewhere, has compiled a list of episodes where that’s the cliff-hanger – ooo, look, a gun in his face, how original.

Just for laughs, when I watched this all the way through, (the madness!) I played Part 3 along with Pink Floyd’s Prism album and there were some interesting results. Money enlivened the tepid TARDIS scenes which compose about a third of the thing. Us and Them got to the line, ‘and the front rank died!’ just as that peasant died of an embolism. In a stroke of serendipity Another Brick in the Wall coincided with Mestor’s meeting with the terrible twins. ‘Hey! Mestor, leave those kids alone!’ also very nice was the line ‘we don’t need no thought control,’ as Azmael said as much to the giant gastropod.

Also jumping forward to an episode we’re not meant to be doing, the Doctor’s closing speech to Peri deserves some examination: I get the sensation it’s us he’s talking to: ‘don’t be so quick to criticise!’ Did they know everybody would hate this? And that familiar sinking feeling on: ‘I’m the Doctor, whether you like it or not.’ A direct challenge to fans if I ever heard one.

Before, I thought Twin Dilemma was bad. Now I know it’s awful. There has been worse on TV but with Doctor Who’s potential and scope this episode should never have been made. It’s got as much ‘feckless charm’ as a game of equations. Everything which makes Doctor Who great is missing. I promised myself I’d do a fair, analytical analysis but is it worth it? I think, possibly, in small doses, this could be bearable but I have spent 2 hours or so on pure Twin Dilemma and I’m ready to die of an embolism. If I sound like I’m going a bit rabid, it’s because Twin Dilemma is such an underwhelming, unfulfilling slodge of a story you have to make up words to describe it. With the infinite scope and brilliance of Doctor Who they choose to make this.

I Am The Resurrection

I have always had a soft spot for Resurrection of the Daleks. It was one of the stories that really stuck with me after watching it on first broadcast. The bit that I most remember is the bits at the end where all the Dalek’s spurt shaving foam. I also remember Tegan leaving, although that didn't really register with me till much, much later when I was able to appreciate Tegan in that short leather skirt. I was only nine years old at the time of the original broadcast.

The Daleks are good in it as well but I do wonder whether or not they actually needed to have Davros there to be honest. I mean what did his prescence bring to the story that it would have lacked had he not been there? To be honest I don’t think that you would have noticed that he hadn’t appeared. Sadly this was just another one of the stipulations of Terry Nation that Davros had to appear in every Dalek story after Genesis of the Daleks. Thank god that they resisted the temptation to have him in the new series.

Having said that Terry Molloy does a pretty good job with what he is given here and does take a very good part here. Also of note is Maurice Colbourne as Lytton (easily the best character on display here and certainly one of the best things about Attack of the Cybermen) who manages to get away with wearing that hat and still appear hard bitten and tough.

What is it with Eric Saward and his own characters being given better material than the Doctor in his stories? It is almost as if the Doctor isn’t that important a character in Saward’s mind. You see it time and time again in the majority of the stories he wrote.

The plot is virtually non existant and there is enough continuity to shake a stick it with mentions of almost every other Dalek story written plus a montage of all the Doctors and Companions (except Leela, which I have never worked out, since they had a picture of Katarina and the Brigadier. Does Leela not count as a bona fida companion? Answers on a post card).

Rodney Bewes sounds very stilted in the role as Stein (I know you were supposed to believe that he was a duplicate) but even in part two when he starts to think for himself he still seemed very stilted. It is very watchable though but maybe doesn’t stand up to repeated viewings. Chloe Ashcroft does nothing but scream. Rula Lenska is ok but isn't really trying that hard. Plus she isn't in the second episode much. I also thought that the actors tried to hard to be 'different' when they were duplicates. Wouldn't it make more sense to make them as realistic as possible?

There were some nice set pieces through the episode but that is also typical of Saward stories. I actually enjoyed watching it but it really is a piece of old tosh when you look at it.

The direction however is very good and Matthew Robinson’s direction really did stand out at that moment due to its fluidity but you do notice that his direction on location is far better than his direction in the studio (as it is in Attack) which can be rather stilted and static.

It was only recently that I realised that in this story the Doctor hardly does anything at all in this story. His only major moments were when he was having his memories sucked out and the scene when he confronts Davros. Otherwise he is very passive in the story.

Like Earthshock, Resurrection of the Daleks is basically a collection of set pieces and action searching for a plot. Not one for the general public I am afraid.