Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Lead-Weight Zepplin

There’s plenty good to say about Rise of the Cybermen – it features a good writer, a good director and a very good cast. It’s... good. There’s that word again - good. That’s what makes reviewing it so tricky – how to be fair, yet not too severe considering the act(s) it’s following and the very nature of two parters.

Several things about the writing and direction simply don’t work, but they are, for the most part, balanced by a general sense of adventure and some good ideas. Some of the dialogue is pretty stiff, (Pete/the President as they board Lumic’s zeppelin) but then elsewhere, it’s very well judged. He could have done with a little reigning in, (the Mickey interrogation scene walked a tight line) and some more editing. Much of the plot is almost too convenient but it’s easy to forgive. I laughed when the Rickey gag came out and the line about working in the kitchens rings true. The alter-egos are fun to watch, helped in no small part by Camille and Shaun Dingwall who excel.

Essentially, there’s nothing so much wrong with the direction – it ends up on screen without too much fuss, just rather too ostentatious at times. Several features of Graeme Harper’s style which he continually uses, (the gratuitous swoop into close-up) are pretty annoying and, also, the scruffy focus change – yeuch. It’s a hard technique to pull off and it just looks sloppy. The variety of shots don’t always mix well, either: elegant crane shots and not-so-steady Steadicam are all chucked in along with any number of trenches and this week’s obligatory POV. Still, the good outweighs the bad and thanks to a liberal sprinkling of long lenses and low angles he’s redeemed. And the crowning glory – a stunning FX shot of a small, blue box being propelled forward by a time explosion. Nothing like it.

Two things make this that bit special: Mickey and the Cybermen. Noel Clarke has proved without a doubt that last year’s antics were a fluke. It’s seems a shame to kill him off just as he’s become so likable but a lot of heavy hints are being dropped, in both the episode and the commentary. A situation where the Doctor has to choose between Rose and Mickey where he cops it looks fairly likely. Surely there’ll be a clever remark about the men of steel killing the tin dog?

It’s “excellent” that bringing back the Cybermen, they’re re-established as the scary fiends they’re meant to be. It’s crucial that the President apologise to them because it demonstrates their callousness when they go ahead and delete him anyway. It does seem odd they exterm... sorry, delete everyone, of course. Surely they need to have a few people to upgrade

Their creator, is not even slightly scary. Roger Lloyd-Pack is much too larger-than-life to be at all believable and with credibility goes all his menace. Colin Spaull as Mr Crane is much better, (worse?) mostly because of his low-key, unassuming evilness.

So – a decent episode with plenty to recommend it, let down slightly by a few niggles and the simple fact it follows a brilliant trio. Still, it was a fantastic moment jumping up and shouting, “ I know him! It’s PJ Blue!” I’m looking forward to next week and hoping it’ll raise the bar just a little bit.

The Tachyon TV Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Rise of the Cybermen: Following the enormous success of The Amazing Adventures of PJ and his Magical Briefcase, PJ is set to star in a second adventure series battling against the evil Office Paper-Clip which threatens to turn the universe into a single giant, perfectly spelled letter.

Preaching To The Converted

I was so looking forward to this. A returning enemy, a classic director - alternate worlds - lives in peril - human terror and walking steel death - what could go wrong? Er, quite a lot actually.

Oh don't get me wrong, there WAS a lot to like. The leads all had their moments in the spotlight. The Cybermen looked just fabulous. The Doctor was suitably Doctorish. Jackie Tyler was actually less annoying than Rose (which isn't saying much I know). Once again, Micky came off best. The delving into his back-story was long overdue, and urban warrior Ricky was nicely different.

But Roger Lloyd-Pack's performance...what was he thinking? Okay, so maybe the intention was to portray a man who is slowly divorcing himself of all his emotions in his obsessive quest to outwit death. My opinion kept veering from  "this is intentional - it's a homage to the Cybermen" to "this is pretty awful acting" before finally settling on "this is just crap". It wasn't Trigger in the mis-adventures of Del and Rodney he was channelling thank God, it was worse - it was Grottbags in "Emu's Pink Windmill Show". It's a real shame, as I'm sure RLP can act far better than this. I haven't seen acting this hammy since Richard Briers all those years ago.

The alternate versions of Rose's family were okay I guess. Pete was a better dressed wide-boy with connections and Jackie came across as a Chav Alexis Carrington with added cleavage. At least she gave Rose a good tongue-lashing. Heaven knows that when Rose was doing all her gooey-eyes at the Doc to persuade him to take her to see Pete, I just wanted to happy slap her (again). What an immature child.

It wasn't Trigger in the mis-adventures of Del and Rodney he was channelling thank God, it was worse - it was Grottbags in "Emu's Pink Windmill Show".

Other highlights? The TARDIS crash scene was just fabulous, as was the Doctor's reaction to the supposed death of his oldest friend (and is it really the oldest TARDIS in the universe?) The guy in the "downloading" crowd scene looked eerily familiar. The music choices were totally bizarre. Rigsby's ex-lodger made it to be Prime Minister.The Cybermen were (eventually) suitably menacing with their joy buzzer of death and I loved the militaristic marching with the mechanical "clomping" sound effect. Oh and that crash through the window was pretty cool.

I think my real problem with Rise Of The Cybermen was that it was just missing that magic "spark" that makes truly great TV. The sum of the (spare) parts just didn't quite make a cohesive whole.  I had no problems with the excellent direction or the music or the Cyber-voices - I was just hoping for epic confrontations and insights into the the human obsession with technology. Instead it was a panto evil genius and a cliffhanger as scary as Twiki from Buck Rogers. Maybe next week will deliver.

Talking of which, I'm going on holiday for a week, so my next review will be even later than usual! Enjoy The Age Of Steel.

Ear Today Gone Tomorrow

This is without a doubt the best episode of Doctor Who I have ever seen. There that's my review. Alas, if only it were true. In reality I find myself struggling to review this episode at all and I've yet to watch it objectively after three attempts. I'm ok for the first twenty or so minutes then alarm bells start ringing and I start blinking - oh I've had some fun reading those threads on other Doctor Who sites I can tell you. Too bloop or not to bloop that seems to be the question.

Well, and I can't believe I'm in a position to say this, I was there and I know what the director told me. Graeme and I had a chat about it - haha, cue the inflated ego. But seriously - and that is hard in these surreal times, all I will say is that blinking was not an issue and I can promise you there was plenty of material where I didn't bat an eyelid on that chilly January morning.

I'm not sure what you fellow Tachyoners want to hear about Rise of the Cybermen and my involvement, so I will remain humble and say little else, other than this truly was a boy's dream made real. I once wrote into Jim'll Fix It asking to appear with the Doctor. I can only say that the Royal Mail postal service leaves a lot to be desired. And to what do I really owe my appearance on the show of shows? Well, my very good friend Matthew Pardo, who organised the whole day. We didn't know what to expect, who we'd meet or indeed what episodes we would be filming. At best we thought we'd be crowd material, on a day when none of the talent would be around. How wrong can you be.

In a scene not a million miles away from Ricky Gervais' Extras we were sat on the supporting artists coach huddled round our coffee when who should walk passed by Billie bloody Piper. I mean, that was exciting. Then eyes left, I spy someone beginning with D. Oh yes. The rest, as they say is history and I am a very happy chap.

Why was I chosen for the scene? I honestly don't know - maybe it was that laugh, those eyes or that lovely earring. Perhaps RTD spied me and insisted that the big guy fill up his screen. You know, getting the most out of your widescreen telly with my ugly mug. Whatever it was, I was incredibly lucky. And the last thing on the subject - I'm going to be in a boxset. That's the kid in me, that I will be in a bloody boxset.

Oh and for the record, those ear-pieces were a bugger to keep in. On one take I ended up hitting my mark, just in front of DT and BP, with the ear gadgets in the palm of my hand. Still I got to wear a special pair that actually worked when you turned them on.

Anyway as stories go this was a slow mover, the curse of the two-parter perhaps. It resembled The Professionals in the final ten minutes and I expected to see Bodie and Doyle crack skulls when the Cybermen finally made a rather impressive assault on the party. They do look very good, menacing, sleek and while I can hardly understand a word they say, I'm glad they're back.

Lumic is not so wonderful. Whether it's down to the actor or that fact that it's very difficult distancing Trigger from the actor I'm not sure. But this was a megalomaniac with a touch too much maniac. I half expected him to pull out his twenty year old broom and tell his workers how he'd kept it upgraded all these years. And as if one comedy hero wasn't enough we get Don 'Philip' Warrington - and he buys it in the first part, how mean can you get? Even Rigsby wasn't that cruel to him.

Mickey finally gets a chance to shine and I enjoyed his set to with the Doctor, forcing him to choose between him and Rose. I've genuinely enjoyed seeing Mickey in the last few episodes. And after missing the opportunity to put Rose in a school uniform a few weeks back, she gets to do maid in this one. When do we see the naughty nun - oh damn, we missed out on that one in New Earth. Ah well, there are always the deleted scenes and out-takes to look forward to I guess.

Anyway, the best moment - that beautiful close up of that Brummie's ear. It was the funniest thing seeing that run for a whole week on the ROTC trailer. Best kept secret in the world? Maybe, but let's just say you should all go and watch Casino Royale when it arrives in November. I'm saying nothing, except "So we meet again Mr. Bond hahahahaha".

Ruby Nemesis

There are parallel worlds out there where Preston is in a band called The Lovely Boys, as an homage to Windsor Davies. There are parallel worlds out there where IQ is measured in terms of bust size and Jordan's the brightest spark on two legs. And there are even some devilishly, perversely, twisted worlds out there where Tachyon TV bloggers end up in Doctor Who...

Rise of the Cybermen

Graeme Harper is back. And it's about bleeding time. The bloke's a one man walking miracle. Why bother pointing a camera in someone's face when you can crane down from above, or have the crew dig a trench so you can film upwards. Where's he been all our lives? Dossing around on flaming Casualty (the all time epic episode where the cast were stuck in a cave system with mud bursts going left, right and centre, where Charlie was gun running to make up for a short-fall in NHS funds). I'm surprise he's not found work for the Daily Sport, obtaining those of so delicate up skirt snaps of Z-listers. The shot of Mickey is classic Harper. Brilliant. This is a man who actually gives a shit. Welcome back Graeme.

We all know it's Cyber time, but they're not the only ones who've had an upgrade. Somewhere along the line the TARDIS stopped off at a branch of the Carphone Warehouse to get Rose a better deal on her mobile. That's one adventure I'm glad we didn't experience, as she agonizes over whether it's better to get free text messages or 500 monthly off-peak minutes, as the Doctor foils a temporal incursion in the Greggs pastie shop next door.

I'd imagine that John Lumic is the star of this parallel universe's version of The Apprentice. There are only two things I know about The Apprentice: 1) Sugar has two lackeys, both from the East End, who have been with him since day one and 2) the fat bird didn't win. Lumic's chief of staff bears an uncanny resemblance to Sugar's right hand man (whilst the woman in the van with Ricky looks slightly like Sugar's right hand woman - very disturbing). Although, when I first saw Mr Crane, I actually thought it was mister upturned glasses himself, Dennis Taylor. I can just imagine Lumic, in his monotonous voice and unblinking stare, saying his world famous catch-phrase, "You're deleted".

Not only that, but John "I can't believe it's not Davros" Lumic. Looks like he's driving a bath chair that's ram raided the lighting department of a branch of IKEA and stumbled out the other side with all manner of guff attached. Yet another maniacal nutter. I'm still waiting, with baited breath, for the adventure Doctor Who and the Nice Global Corporation. His main henchman is out there rounding up the hungry, the homeless and other assorted down and outs to turn into his new model army. Just imagine if the conversion process started to break down and the Cybermen went back to doing what they were doing before: drinking 3 litre bottles of psycho strength cider, pissing down their trouser legs and selling the Big Issue.

The Cybermen themselves have had more make overs that Moe's Tavern. And still they look gay. Except this time, the heavy metal monsters movements are reinforced with what I can only describe as a single cacophonic sound from a Stomp extravaganza. You know who I'm talking about, those street entertainer tramps who bash dustbins around and pretend they're making music. Best reason ever to move solely to wheelie bins if it means that it puts these 'entertainers' out of a job. I mean, they're down their with pan pipes and twats who pretend to be statues. The only street entertainment I'm interested in is seeing them flee whilst being pursued by packs of men with large knives.

With so much Zeppelin action going on, no wonder Jackie looks like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race in that dress (wonder if Neil's restraining order is still in full effect?). Nice touch that, having hers (and the Cybermen's) 40 birthday celebrations. Other highlights of the party are the Doctor, who looks like he's actually going up to collect a BAFTA, laughing at the fact that Rose is a Yorkshire terrier in this universe and there's also the suspicion that he became quite 'close' to one of the other waitresses, Lucy, as he seemed to have had enough time to talk to her and possibly have a little sex too.

It take a while to really get going. But once again, some good trench direction, gets some fantastic shots towards the end as the Cybermen smash through the windows...

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Rise of the Cybermen: the noise of that the Zeppelins make in this story is actually the inaudible sound of rejection from David Banks, pitch-shifted down so it's within human perception levels.

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh

Forget the tin dog, this was the episode we were all waiting for: The return of the Cybermen; the return of Graeme Harper; the return of the bloke who played Lilt in Revelation of the Daleks (ok not that last one in particular, but you get the picture).

Yes, the Cybermen are back and boys are they looking good. This is the first time in a while that they seem almost unstoppable. No being killed by coins flung at them from a catapult by the oldest teenager in the world for these Cybermen. They even sound scarier than they did in the Davison/Baker/McCoy era and more like they did in the Troughton era, in particular like they did in The Invasion. Can you spot a pattern here?

Certainly ‘Delete’ is a much better catchphrase then ‘Excellent’ and it also fits in neatly with the all the other computer type phrases in the story such as ‘Upgrade’. Never before had the word ‘Delete’ sounded so final.

And doesn’t the Doctor looked scared as hell when he sees them marching towards them? This makes a nice change for the 10th Doctor who seems to view himself as the most powerful being in the universe. Hopefully this will bring him back down to Earth (so to speak) with a huge thud. Not too sure about the tux. Billie Piper in a waitress uniform though…

Now I know that Mark Platt got a credit for writing the Big Finish drama Spare Parts that this story is supposedly inspired by, but where was the credit for Derrick Sherwin, the man who wrote, The Invasion, which this episode takes a hell of a lot of cues from?

For instance: John Lumic = Tobias Vaughn Mr Crane = Packer Cybus Industries = International Electromatics Bluetooth earpieces = Transistor radios.

See what I mean and not a credit for Derrick Sherwin. I wonder what he thought of it? Perhaps there will be more of the elements of Spare Parts in next weeks episode as, apart from this being a parallel version of the creation of the Cybermen, that is about all that Marc Platt could claim to have inspired at the moment. This could all change in the next episode though.

You couldn’t argue that Kit Pedlar wouldn’t have been pleased with what the production team have done with the Cybermen here as it sort of follows his original thinking on the creation the Cybermen, just within a different setting.

As this is the first episode of a two-part story this whole episode was just building up to the events of the second episode, which are sure to be thrilling. So as a result not a great deal happened in this episode. Indeed they had time to have quite a long TARDIS scene at the start of this episode, which, really had very little, if any, to do with the plot of the story itself, aside from having them crash into a parallel universe.

These are definitely the episodes where Mickey comes to the fore. Indeed in this episode Mickey was one of the best things in it and it is about time we learned a little bit about him, even though the fact that he seems to have nobody in his life apart from Rose and the Doctor means he is ripe to be exploited in some way, which is a shame as he is quite a good character really and Noel Clarke plays him well.

He is far more like a companion of the old series than Rose is. My girlfriend has her own theory about Mickey, and to be honest I think she is spot on, and she said this a couple of weeks ago!

The guest cast was quite impressive with Don Warrington impressing as the President of Great Britain, Colin Spaull as the nasty Mr Crane and Mona Hammond as Mickey’s sweet old gran.

But the best was Roger Lloyd Pack who I thought was great as John Lumic. Definitely an old style Doctor Who villain and downright nasty. If looks could kill some of the ones that Lumic gave people in Rise would have been downright deadly.

It was nice to see Pete Tyler again but I am not sure if his prescence was necessary as he is a completely different person to the real Pete who we met last year. This universe’s Jackie is much more like the real Jackie, only bitchier and better dressed with more cleavage!

Graeme Harper’s direction was very good here but the sad thing is that his directorial style doesn’t stand apart as much as it did twenty years ago, well not unless they bring back Peter Moffatt to direct the new series!

He did bring some nice touches to it with the Cyberman always being out of focus right till the very end, and also how you only saw parts of them, beginning with the feet, the chest with the Cybus logo on it, then the famous tear drop eyes before the money shot of the series – the Cybermen marching, in force, towards Pete Tyler’s house.

This is probably one of the best shots of the new series and is easily as memorable as the one in The Invasion when the Cybermen emerge from the sewers and march across London. It is just a shame that most people had already seen this scene in the previous episodes next week trailer. No Earthshock style reveal for them. I suppose this scene lost a bit of tension, as everyone knew that they were coming. I mean the episode was called Rise of the Cybermen. Perhaps if it hadn’t had the word Cybermen in the title then people would have had a shock at that moment. Ah, well.

I must admit I was a bit surprised to hear the strains of Tight Fit’s “The Lion Sleep’s Tonight” over the horrific sounds of people being converted into Cybermen. It did seem a bit of an odd choice of song but all it probably means is that Mr Crane doesn’t really have much taste in music! Let’s just hope we don’t get “Agadoo” next week. Well, if he likes “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…

I would have to give top marks to the production team for this episode as it was certainly exciting and I am really looking forward to the conclusion next week, if only to see how the hell they can get out it.

Trigger Meets Dave

'Hey hey you're the Monkees

People said You Monkeyed around

But nobody's listening now'

Big Sur, by The Thrills

First things first: the Cybermen have never cut it with me!  Always used, together with the Daleks as many peoples' reason for 'hiding behind the sofa', personally I've never rated them highly.  Even from a young age they've never either frightened me or particularly interested me; their continuing encounters with the Doctor, I've always felt, has been a one-for-the-fans kind of thing to keep them keen.  Slow, cumbersome and boringly robotic, they remain the poor man's Dalek - like Brotherhood Of Man to Abba or The Monkees to The Beatles.

Secondly, a two-parter with an invasion theme set in London brought back a nasty smell from yesterseries and the farts of the Slitheen, so I decided to expect little and hope for better.  Which would have saved on disappointment except for the fact that this was actually highly enjoyable stuff.  Well paced - as two-parters should be - it allowed for plot development without the need to cut to the chase.

The story itself was not exactly complex nor intellectually challenging.  Okay, whilst London is not exactly Skaro, the Cybermen are not the Daleks, 'Delete' is never going to be the new 'Exterminate' and John Lumic - megalomaniac personified that he is - is not exactly the old Skarovian that is Davros (basically, Rise Of The Cybermen is no Genesis), the parallel universe angle was nontheless clever and allowed for a Genesisesque scenario.

Lumic was the classic Bondesque villain.  Played superbly by comedy character legend Roger Lloyd Pack, I half-expected him to address Mr Tennant's Doctor as 'Dave' but was entertained by his tongue-in-cheek ever-so-theatrical classic baddie mannerisms and his don't-mess-with-me demeanour.

Pete Tyler also made a welcome return.  Gone was the Del Boy spiv of Father's Day, replaced by the slicker successful businessman who was Being John Malkovich, I thought.  And the scene where the people stood still in the street (who was that man?) was lifted straight from Deep Dish featuring Everything But The Girl's excellent Future Of The Future video.

Criedit must also go to Mickey.  My favourite Doctor quip of the series so far, about things just getting worse because there were now two Mickeys (even though the doppleganger was called Ricky) was unfair in this instance as he was afforded a pivotal role and excelled.  Whatever the truth on the rumourmill regarding his fate this coming Saturday, if he watched that bonkers, bizarre but brilliant Horizon episode of a couple of years ago he'll know that paralllel universes can be grown in greenhouses, so needn't necessarily act as an eternal prison.  I dare say he'll be back.

It's a shame that having kept the unveilling of the Cybermen until the end, ala Bad Wolf's delayed Daleks, the cliff-hanger was so predictable, obvious and in keeping with the previous three cliff-hangers.  The previous three first parts have also been infinitely better than the concluding episodes - yes, amazingly even Aliens Of London - so it is with trepidation that I await Saturday's second half.

But finally back to those Cybermen.  With their uniformity of movement and space-aged garb they truly do resemble backing dancers from a Pet Shop Boys video as one sharper mind has remarked.  They've come a long way design-wise since first facing the Doctor in an age when people were more easily scared.  Mind you, this was an age when a show of leg titillated and The Rolling Stones outraged the public.  Time has moved on, monsters are scarier and the viewers more demanding.  Mind you, to give them their dues, the Cyberman head that Van Staten owned in Dalek was an excellent retro nod to the show's historic past.  Furthermore, that first meeting with William Hartnall's Doctor was so comedic that it has become one of my all-time favourite moments.  An ATMs cash dispenser slot-like mouth opens whereupon the metallic menace declares "Weeeee are the Cybermennn!" in a voice that is pure Metal Mickey (Monkees legend Michael Dolenz).  Like I said, if the Daleks are The Beatles...

Ps: Do those steps near St Paul's cathedral which the Cybermen famously descended still exist?  On a recent visit to The Smoke I looked for them but with no success.  They also featured as a meeting spot in 1970s show The Adventurer, starring Gene Barry and Barry Morse.  I've heard they no longer exist as Paternoster Square has been renovated, but would be grateful for any information feedback if anyone out there knows better.  Perhaps they still exist in the Parallel London...?

Rise to the Occasion

I believe it was Professor Stephen Hawking who proposed the theory that there are an infinite number of parallel universes, where every possibility exists (or it might have been Holly on Red Dwarf). Somewhere out there is a twisted alternate plane of reality where everything is “the same, but different”. Where Boom Town won the BAFTA for Best Farting in a Continuing Drama Series. Where Cheryl Baker is the definitive Doctor for a whole generation. And where Rise of the Cybermen was really, really good. Hawking never specified if his theory extended to dodgy TV Sci-Fi, but as a well known fan of Star Trek I think it’s safe to say he isn’t ruling it out anytime soon.

Anyway, in this alternate world Rise of the Cybermen was actually part of season twelve, and it was called Genesis of the Daleks. Let’s review the similarities, shall we?

1. Scheming lunatic in a wheelchair with no control over his body (not to mention his voice) is busy trying to upgrade the species by playing ‘God: The Home Game’.

2. An origin story that plays fast and loose with the established canon by throwing out almost everything that came before (unless of course this really is Mondas. Which seems pretty unlikely and rather silly. Then again, last year we had a companion with a gun concealed in his rectum, so Mondas is still an outside possibility).

3. Aforementioned loony presents his horrific plans to The Man with a straight face, and is promptly handed his P45. He reacts badly.

4. A disgusting mutated mollusc – or in this case, Mickey – attaches itself to the leg of one of the Doctors companions and absolutely refuses to let go.

5. Live extras are brutally harvested into mechanised killing machines, accompanied by the delicate sounds of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’

OK, forget the last one. But still, it’s pretty clear which classic episode Davies and his crew were cribbing from, and frankly who can blame them? If you want to breathe new life into an old foe, Genesis of the Daleks is the episode to lift from. It’s just a shame that they managed to miss just about everything that was genuinely chilling about that Baker episode, and instead hit the mark with all the accuracy of a Dalek free kick.

For starters, we have John Lumic. Whatever medical condition his character suffers from, it must render him not only immobile but also incapable of growing a moustache. Because I’m pretty sure that if he could grow a moustache, he’d grow a great big f**k off moustache and twirl it in the faces of his enemies at every opportunity. To call Lumic one-dimensional is to insult the entire bridge crew of the U.S.S. Voyager. Poor Roger Lloyd-Pack. Is it just me, or does he look like he’s been shoved in front of the camera at gunpoint and told to read from an autocue?

Lumic may be an evil genius, but it appears he’s too much of a pussy to get off the pot and put his plan into action. I don’t get it. Why does he need Don Warringtons permission to ‘upgrade’ himself? What’s he waiting for? It’s not like he doesn’t have the Vader breathing down pat, why not go all the way? And when part of your master plan involves hacking up the homeless, do you really call in the President and ask for a government grant?

Then we have the plot contrivances required to make this episode work. Rise takes the concept of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and runs it into the ground. Maybe in this universe it’s Two Degrees of Peter Tyler? This guy is a nexus, he's connected to everything. Less than a minute after the TARDIS crash-lands, Rose just stumbles across a whacking great poster of her alternate father. He just happens to be a multimillionaire health food magnate who also does his own advertising (think Stelios, crossed with the Crazy Frog). Pete Tyler also has a part time job as one of Lumics trusted aides (whipping strawberries into smoothies makes him infinitely qualified). And our Pete also just happens to be having the Prez over for a good old knees up. On the same day! OK, I realise you’ve got to manoeuvre your regulars into the action, but half of these co-incidences are just downright lazy.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of contrivances, the TARDIS is dead. Except for the bit that isn’t. It draws its power from the universe. Except for that bit down there, which, I guess, doesn’t. Wow, it’s almost as if the writers want us to stay here for exactly 24 hours. No more, no less. What will the Doctor do with that glowing green thing? If I remember Superman 2 correctly, I think he has to hike to the North Pole and hurl it at a glacier.

For an episode that is supposed to be about the regeneration of a classic icon of SF terror, the story seems content to eschew the cloying claustrophobia and nail biting tension of Genesis in favour of scene after scene after bloody scene of Jackie “we’re gonna need a bigger truck” Tyler and other assorted domestic disturbances. And as the show can’t seem to visit a genuinely alien setting, we’re stuck with Cybermen crashing a dinner party. It makes me miss the days when their stomping grounds were icy tombs and star ships commanded by Beryl Reid.

Back then, they also had the Radiophonic Workshop to help put some hair on their balls. It would appear that Murray Golds flash of brilliance last week was rather fleeting. It really is quite sad. Delia Derbyshire did more with a loop of magnetic tape and a cow bell than Murray Gold can manage with an entire orchestra.

OK, I admit I’m being way too harsh. The satire on modern communications technology for the masses was well played, and as I’m just about the only person left on the planet who doesn’t use a mobile phone (can’t stand them), this episode did at least leave me feeling more smug than usual. The new Cybermen voices are wonderful, and thank goodness they have a habit of repeating themselves because it’s easy to miss what they’re threatening you with first time out. JP’s left earlobe totally rocked. And Noel Clarke continues to atone for last year. I guess as Mickey is now a SF film fan and a reader of comic books… er… I mean Graphic Novels, that makes him a geek and we should all take him to heart. Then again, Mickey let out a cry for attention this week less subtle than a Sunday afternoon stroll around Battersea Dogs home. I have a nasty feeling his number is well and truly up.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Rise of the Cybermen: this episode features the first appearance in the series of Eleventh Doctor John Paul Green, who got to shoot David Tennant with a water pistol in The Age of Steel and took his job barely a year later. He was ultimately replaced by Twelfth Doctor Neil Perryman, who shot Green with a real pistol shortly thereafter. (hey, after this week it almost sounds plausable!).

Prophecy 5.5: Final Scene Blues

Okay, I was a little harsh before on some of it. I've rewatched it, and although most of my primary opinions hold fast, I do have to make one or two alterations/additions/deletions.

The scene in the TARDIS was fine, except for the silly shot from the point of view of Mickey's hand.

Noel Clarke may not be the best actor, but he steals the show here purely for his enthusiasm, and the amount of time he's clearly spent working on this.

One thing I didn't comment on before, is that the Cybermen voices, while perfect in theory, are a little inaudible. Because the sound has two layers of monotone at different pitches in different styles, sometimes the words seem mumbled.

And now, one thing no warm blooded male could ignore (we tried, God help us, we tried!), but Camille Coduri's breasts are very distracting.

But the thing which irritates me the most is how shoddy the final scene is. David Tennant finally seems to wake up, and everything that was alright before goes to pieces. Even the script cuts corners, and adopts a sub-Dalek stance. "You will be DELE-ted", "You will be EXTERMINA-ted". The camera shot at the end is not at all exciting, a simply stationary shot of the Doctor and Rose. 1) The Doctor should be in the middle of the screen, or the only one on screen, 2) Rose should be hidden behind someone slightly less irritating than her, although I hear Michael Winner wasn't available at short notice, 3) for the first Cyberman cliffhanger, we should have had a panning shot, or at the very least a collage of shots from different points, 4) there was no reason for "mass deletion" of 5 people, so why did they all put their hands forward?, and 5) there shouldn't have been the stupid chorus of "Delete" from the Cyberduds (that's not a typo). "You will be deleted!", "DELETE", and sticking their arms out. It all seems like they're doing a bad impersonation of the Daleks.

Still a 5/10. Still, I feel cold.

Lovely-Jubly

Ratings Rise

More extraordinary figures, well up on this time last year.  Most watched programme yesterday, even beating the football. 

                    BBC One             BBC Two                 ITV1                    Four                   Five

19:15 ... 7.6 (39.5%) ... 2.6 (13.3%) ... 3.2 (16.4%) ... 1.4 ( 7.3%) ... 0.6 ( 3.2%)
19:30 ... 8.2 (40.7%) ... 2.6 (12.9%) ... 2.9 (14.4%) ... 1.6 ( 8.0%) ... 0.6 ( 3.1%)
19:45 ... 9.0 (43.4%) ... 2.1 ( 9.9%) ... 3.1 (15.2%) ... 1.7 ( 8.1%) ... 0.6 ( 2.9%)

I finally went to get my hair cut yesterday and after the inevitable chat about the football the barber went on to ask if I watched much television.  As usual I was going to try and talk up The West Wing, but then he said 'Have you been watching that programme Doctor Who'.

He then sped off into a monologue which took in his love of the one about the Queen of Scotland, how much his wife liked last weeks episode about the French astocrat, Doctor Who Confidential how much he liked that new young chap in comparison last years bloke, how clever the Americans are at special effects and the fact that they used to have conventions at the Adelphi Hotel. 

I mumbled the odd thing about essential Britishness whilst grinning beside myself.  Then one of the other barbers mentioned that he'd cut Sylvester McCoy's hair a few years ago and had a nice chat with Seventh about the series and the play he was in at the time.

Remember those old adverts for Eastenders which said that everyone was talking about it?  I was never entirely convinced.  It's a pity they wasted the slogan because everyone really is talking and it seems watching Doctor Who ...