Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

The Trion Factor

Planet of Fire – Episode Three

Again in this episode we find out even more about Turlough, about his home planet, and that Malkon is his brother, the survivor of a crashed Trion spaceship containing a crew, which included Turlough’s father and his infant brother. We also find out about the reason why the Master needed to get to Sarn but not what he wants with the numismaton gas which Sarn has a great supply of in the caves, that will probably, come in the last part of the story, or, at least it should do.

The local population also become aware that their great god was in fact a man in a space suit who has been spotted on only a few occasions by the indigenous natives, and then worshiped as a god, and Malkon, became the chosen one due to the fact that he was found near the volcano, where the ship he was on crashed. Turlough meets Malkon and shows him his mark, to prove that they are one in the same, and when Malkon is injured Turlough uses his mark to prove that he is the next chosen one.

By the end of the episode Peri finally meets the real Master inside his TARDIS. He is shrunken and it now becomes obvious why he needs the Numisaton gas, as the Doctor earlier in the episode explained that it it would be very useful for an injured time lord, such as the Master.

So that’s why the Master went to all that trouble then. Let’s hope it won’t be worth it for him.

Planet of Fire – Episode Four

In this final episode of the adventure a helluva of a lot happens, we find out that the Master had been experimenting with building a brand new, more deadly version of the tissue compression eliminator, which backfired and shrunk him instead.

So using the fact that he was still in control of Kamelion, unbeknownst to the Doctor and his crew, he hatched his new dastardly plan to get to Sarn and renew himself in the numismation gasses.

It also turns out that Sarn was a Trion penal colony where political prisoners were sent including Turlough’s father and brother and that Turlough was sent to Earth under the watchful eye of the solicitor that was mentioned as his only next of kin in Mawdryn Undead.

It was about bloody time that we find out who the real Turlough was, but did they really need to wait until his final story for the real story to come out.

It also turns out that the gods that the people on Sarn worship were in fact Trion scientists trying to control the volcanic eruptions that threaten to blow up their penal colony where they send all of their political prisoners.

So, all in all,  a fairly decent story enlivened by Peri's cleavage.

Twisted Firestarter

Remember, fire is dangerous. Always get an adult to help when renewing yourself with Numismaton Gas

Planet of Fire Part 4

Having found out Character Options’ dastardly scheme to reduce all the Doctor’s major foes to 5” figures for display behind blister cards, Peri inadvertently knocks over the Master’s ‘control box’ (though how he managed to knock this up having - presumably - already been reduced to Kenner toy size beforehand is anybody’s guess) sending the diminutive devil scurrying for the safety of his console’s innards. Leaving us to ponder how a show which once scared us shitless with images of animated mummies and homicidal vegetation is now reduced to slapstick scenes of the Doctor’s new companion trying to flatten his oldest enemy with the heel of her shoe. Not exactly something that Toyah Wilcox or Ken Livingstone will be extolling about twenty years later, is it?

Meanwhile the Doctor sorts out Sarn’s gas exchange problems - Turlough having been found out to be just another rogue non-Corgi cowboy - and impresses the locals with his firewalking trick. With Malkon restored to full health - with only the slight hint of burning willow in the air to suggest otherwise - it is left to Turlough to ‘fess us about the dark secret from his past and the reason the word ‘Trion’ leaves him frothing at the mouth as though a family of Tractators has moved in next door. Apparently our Vislor is a political refugee, sent to an Earth boarding school as a result of his father being on the wrong side during a civil war. Though whether it’s the buggery there or back on Trion that he most fears is left unclear. As an old slag Turlough bears the mark of the Misos triangle, an extra-terrestrial version of tagging which - whilst easier to hide than a great big slab of plastic round your ankle - does make swimming with one hand wrapped round your upper arm a little bit tricky.

Though whether it’s the buggery there or back on Trion that Turlough most fears is left unclear

While such political chicanery threatens to make your eyelids droop quicker than the crawl for The Phantom Menace, suddenly things come alive and it gets all ‘Caves of Androzani’; as hot larva starts spilling out of Sarn’s fissures as though it realises some threat is needed for us to even begin to care about any of this. Apparently the Mini-Master’s interference with the planet’s geological balance is going to end the world unless either a) he’s stopped or b) someone pays the overdue gas bill from Numismaton Power. So the Doctor, Peri and Amyand (who hangs around this story like a bad smell) make their way to the Master’s TARDIS where the Doctor gets to gloat over his old foe’s predicament, not to mention wonder why the Master seems to have gone to the same TARDIS interior decorator as him. And the reason behind the Jackanapes’ reduced circumstances? Apparently he spends all his time between tussles with the Doctor fiddling around with his Tissue Compression Eliminator. And like some inept DIY boff, managed to shoot himself whilst adapting the TCE’s vibration settings. Sadly this unique insight into the Master’s private life - evenings spent plotting universal domination, weekends devoted to designing different styles of ionic column for his TARDIS to change into - is never touched on again.

But with Kamelion revived once more to do the Master’s bidding, the Doctor and Peri send Amyand - who even they have noticed has become a bit of a gooseberry of late - to address the Elders. Dressed in one of the silver boiler suits that the Kamelion/Master managed to miss, he looks less like a God and more like a Kwik-Fit Fitter. But by now surely even Timanov is starting to doubt all this religious malarkey for the jumped-up pseudo-scientific bollocks it really is.

‘Kamelion…no…good’ says the hapless tin-man, in surely the story’s truest line

With the Sarn stalker despatched, the Doctor hatches his cunning plan to reduce Kamelion to so much twitching metal. And this is where arguably Davison’s Doctor loses all sympathy in the viewer. Because while his predecessor may have enjoyed the odd kick at K-9 during rehearsals, he never went as far as causing the equivalent of an electronic coronary in his robot chum. ‘Kamelion…no…good’ says the hapless tin-man, in surely the story’s truest line. And just when it seems this former vet couldn’t get any less sympathetic to a dying creature, the man who was once Tristan Farnon administers the TCE as some sort of bizarre humane killer. And they say it was only when Colin took over that the Doctor became such a c*nt!

Anyroad, with Sarn going to hell in a pressure-cookered handcart, Amyand reveals that Logar is nothing more than a nuclear power worker and tries to convince Timanov to give up his religious tunnel-vision. And as even Trion Captains brook no surprise at the sight of dimensionally -transcendental blue-boxes, the stage is set for the final (sic.) show-down between the Doctor and his now vertically-challenged foe. At which point Numismaton Gas finally manage to fix that troublesome blockage they’ve been promising for centuries and the Master rises to all his renewed glory only to be snuffed out again like a damp match. ‘Won’t you even show mercy for one of your own…’ he leaves us to ponder as Davison’s look of regret has all the resonance of a man who’s forgotten to put the bins out that week. Either that or he’s read the first name on the call-sheet in a couple of stories time.

Davison’s look of regret has all the resonance of a man who’s forgotten to put the bins out that week

Leaving us with just some customary 80s farewells and hellos, as the revolving door that is the TARDIS’ crew these days sees Turlough depart for a life of political freedom and institutional buggery, and Peri join the Doctor just in time for him to turn into one of the most respected actors of his generation. Obviously. Though why anyone’s so concerned that she’s got to be back in three months considering that her mode of transport is a bloody time machine is beyond debate.

Next time: the new TARDIS crew swap larva for sand, despite what a zillion Big Finish audios would have us believe otherwise.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Planet of Fire 4: The Master’s death scream was actually Anthony Ainley’s uncensored reaction to who the new Doctor would be)

Hooray for Boobies

Planet of Fire has an awful lot of things to do in its four episodes. As well as trying to fit in a plot, it also has to introduce a brand new companion, write out two companions and bring back an old adversary.

I bet Peter Grimwade felt like he had drawn the short straw when he was commissioned to write this story. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if he hadn’t lumbered with writing out Kamelion as well. He had introduced Turlough the previous season, so it was only right that he was the one to write the character out, and tie up all the loose ends he himself had started back in Mawdryn Undead.

He also had to use an exotic location in the story so that the production team could go off on their yearly holiday at the BBC’s expense. This year the chosen location of the annual Doctor Who beano was Lanzarote, so Peter Grimwade had to construct a story to include all of those constraints. Rather him than me.

Planet of Fire - Episode One

To be honest I forgot most of what happened in this episode during the last few minutes of the episode after Peri stripped down to her bikini (which, considering, the episode was directed by a woman, was probably something of a surprise). It was only a shame that she didn’t remain in the outfit for the rest of the story, it would certainly have been hot enough for it, as most of the other people in the episode weren’t wearing that much themselves.

For the first part of the episode, before the scene that everybody remembers not a great deal happened, as other have already pointed out: a rather phallic looking artefact is found by a group of men in a boat looking for treasure in wreck found at the bottom of the waters off the coast of Lanzarote.

The leader of the expedition’s teenage stepdaughter picks up the artefact and steals its, planning on selling it, when her stepfather doesn’t let her go off with these couple of English blokes she had met the previous day. By a strange coincidence the Doctor and Turlough receive a signal that they locate to Lanzarote and this, by another strange coincidence, turns out to the be the artefact that Peri, the girl who had stolen the artefact from her stepfather, had on her possession when she was saved from drowning by Turlough.

Then the cliff-hanger reveals the Master is involved. Now that all the cards are in place placed upon the story by the production team then perhaps the story itself can begin in earnest. This does start near the end of the first episode when the symbol on the artefact is the same symbol that Turlough has branded onto his arm. There is also an alien planet in this mix, which looks strangely like Lanzarote as well.

Quite a lot of information is given in this episode, considering that not a great deal actually happens. Still, we got to see Peri in hardly any clothes so, there were at least two good things to come out of this episode!

Planet of Fire – Episode Two

In part two the action moves to the planet Sarn, which looks remarkably like Lanzarote, and the plot starts to thicken and we learn more about the Doctor;s companion, Turlough in the next few episodes than we did in the last eight or nine stories.

It turns out that he was not a schoolboy from a public school in England, but an exile from an alien planet. We also see the fact that the Master is not at all what he seems but appears to have taken over the form of the Doctor’s robotic companion, Kamelion. Anthony Ainley is enjoying himself in this episode, chewing the scenery up the only way he knows.

Nicola Bryant’s Peri also gives a good account of herself in this episode and shows what a good character she could have been, and not the shadow of the character she was in her debut story and the following adventure, that we would meet in the following season.

Even the costume that she was wearing in this adventure suited the location that she was in, being the sort of thing a young girl her age would wear in a hot place like Lanzarote.

This episode has a lot more action than the previous episode but it is still quite slow paced, and the music is very, very dated.

Master Ex Machina

Planet of Fire - Episode 4

Do you find yourself sitting in front of the tele bellowing like a knuckle dragging no-neck who's just had a road rage run-in with an octogenarian in an Allegro? I periodically have to snap myself out of moments like this and tune back into reality. The Master's performance in this induced such a blood boiling state of affairs in Querry's media home cinema surrounded plasma paneled conservatory. The Master makes the simple act of climbing over shit on the floor into some sort of intrepid expedition to the inner recesses of the Amazon Basin, 60 days walking with shoes made out of scissors and only several fingers of fudge for sustenance.

"Sitting here berating the screen like Sal Piro screaming slut."

Witness as he hauls himself over a slight wall into the console. Gasp as he scurries off on all fours across his console room floor instead of merely legging it to hide behind the drug paraphernalia scattered everywhere. Groan as he manages to hoist himself upright, breathing so hard he almost induces hyperventilation. Drum fingers constantly as he resurrects the Kamelion kontrol device to once again and, for reasons that we have long since stopped caring about, takes control of the metal white elephant. And I'm still sitting here berating the screen like Sal Piro screaming slut at Susan Sarandon and accusing Charles Grey of possessing a complete lack of neck.

"Why is this so hard? Don't tell me, Peri again."

I miss Peri's chest. I had the temerity to suggest earlier that Peri's breasts do not an adventure make. I'll take that back. Not only would they make for a fine standalone spin off series, I'm betting they'd also provide enough material for a couple of well formed and plump Pixley archives. By this point I'm beginning to obsess. Every I see reminds me of Peri. From the cherry topped Bakewells in Greggs to the headlamps on a VW Camper. Why isn't this story better than I remember it being? It might be because back in 84 I was similarly distracted. Why is this so hard? Don't tell me, Peri again.

"Where's your fucking neck?"

Meanwhile, back in the gas chamber, a self inflating Master is nearing the apogee of his plan - to revive himself with the life giving gas from the mountain. But unfortunately it's not fully inflated him back to his old self. Things have gone disastrously wrong with his head as it now appears to be welded to his shoulders. All together now, "Where's your fucking neck?"

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 3 of Planet of Fire: the Lanzarote tourist board were horrified that JN-T had managed to make their beautiful holiday island into a volcanic ash covered terrain that they demanded he returned all the bottle of the local gin that had been presented to him at a civic ceremony prior to filming.

An old fashioned roastin'

Planet of Fire - Episode 3

You would think that after the 945th time the Master was defeated by the Doctor he might just give up and retire to subjugate a small group of medieval serfs somewhere on a Stargate Lite planet. Ones who would gawp at his advanced science, believing it to be magic, just like television audiences in the 80's gawped at Paul Daniels believing him to be similarly blessed (or was that disbelief at the wig).

"From the Traken brown sauce manipulator to the sordid little maths holes of Logopolis."

But no. His lust for Universal domination pushes him further and further, just like many a "celebrity" reality television contestant desperate to prolong their waning star just long enough that they can spark some sort of moral outrage. The Master has dreamed a thousand exquisit tortures to apply to the Doctor, but because of his wanton greed it's all come down to this - the opportunity to poke him, with a stick, through a gate.

"Peri's breasts do not an adventure make"

From the Traken brown sauce manipulator to the sordid little maths holes of Logopolis, the Master has stumbled and bumbled through his adventures (and frittered away his regenerations as an unquenshable might fritter away a government handout on pimped strength own brand lager), directionless and devoid of any long term career plan. Moving from one dead end route to Universal domination to the next. When it appeared that his true calling lay right under his nose. Yes, he could knock up a wonderful set of designer togs for dolls without even breaking into a sweat, or running a sweat shop.

Lets face facts here. You find yourself reduced to the height of a fully articulate Character Options action figure, and what's the first thing you do? You see exactly how good Barbie (or Ken, depending upon your own personal inclinations) are in bed. I suppose you might actually prefer to run riot in the My Little Pony section of Toys R Us, or even bunk up with a Care Bear or three. But like I said, you'd perhaps see this as an opportunity rather than a lifelong disability.

I'm suddenly starting to appreciate that old saying - "Peri's breasts do not an adventure make".

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 3 of Planet of Fire: Barry Manilow's rendition of "The Mesos Triangle" was booed off stage at Panopticon '84. Although it wasn't all bad news, as Barry did win in the best prosthetics category, during the closing ceremony, for the work on his nose.

Gas Panic

Remember, switch providers before March 31st and Sarn Numismaton will give you 20% off your first bill

Planet of Fire Part 3

It’s tempting to say this episode is full of hot air, so redolent are its happenings with the acute mechanics of gas flow and exchange. With not a Slitheen or a Comic Relief skit in sight, ‘Planet of Fire’ has suddenly become as obsessed with trapped air as an advert for Gaviscon.

So, with the Master/Kamelion rumbled by acting so over the top even Ainley’s having second thoughts, the Doctor calls the robot’s bluff and pronounces the returning Malkon as the real chosen one. But no sooner are the Sarnians hailing their new saviour then one of them gets trigger-happy and the cry of ‘Timberrr’ is heard as Edward Highmore crashes to the ground with all the grace of a Giant Redwood. I wonder if they can cure his Dutch elm disease while he’s down there…

Someone better check who was doing the weekly milk-round on the Turloughs’ street, methinks

With Turlough suddenly the resident gas engineer for the area - 24-hour call-out and all your heating needs attended to - Kamelion/Master beats a retreat, taking with him Peri like some well-dressed pimp for the whiny-accented market. With the Doctor and his unbeliever cohorts stuck on the back burner, Turlough returns to find half the street cut off and three Corgi engineers shaking their heads and insisting they can’t do anything ‘til Tuesday at the earliest. With monkey wrench in hand, he pauses only to inform anyone who’s bothered that the Wooden One is in fact his brother; a claim he makes on the feeble premise that a) Malkon was the only infant on his father’s crashed ship and b) evidently on Trion, two brothers need not share the same hair colour. Someone better check who was doing the weekly milk-round on the Turloughs’ street, methinks.

So Turlough takes charge by flashing around his novelty tattoo like a two-bit peep-show act trying to save up for their genital piercing. Of course Timanov immediately falls to his knees - steady now - and accepts all this, like he would any old tosspot in a pair of beach shorts. But it takes the Doctor to fully convince the Elders, quickly knocking up a picture of Logar on his TARDIS copy of Photoshop and stunning the Sarnians so much that they don’t even notice how the small blue box they’ve just walked into contains a freaking great spaceship inside. I guess bigger-on-the-inside moments just ain’t what they used to be…

the Master starts tapping into the local gas-supply like a hard-up student down to his last fiver

Meanwhile the Master/Kamelion arrives via TARDIS at the centre of the volcano - having escaped the Doctor’s rather ill-judged attempt to materialise his ship around his enemy’s (does no-one remember ‘Logopolis’?) - and starts tapping into the local gas-supply like a hard-up student down to his last fiver. Trying to impress the captive Peri by downsizing a couple of silver boiler suit into Ken ‘n’ Barbie sized replicas merely galvanizes the pretty young thing into making a dash for it; outrunning the Tissue Compression Eliminator (which, like ‘regeneration cycle’, gets a rather strained name-check here just to check all the diehards are paying attention) and taking refuge in the Master’s TARDIS; now just like the Doctor’s except for the teenage depressive-style black makeover. Inside she plans to turn off Kamelion with what she thinks is the control switch inside a mysterious black box he was earlier carrying, only to discover that it contains Character Options’ new line in 5” action figures. First up is the Mini-Master with six phrases (including ‘You will obey me’, ‘What do you mean by ‘subtle’, JNT?’ and ‘That Gary ‘f**king Downie’s full of sh**’) plus fourteen points of articulation.

I wonder if it’ll be the toy for Christmas ‘84...

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Planet of Fire 3: other figures planned for the ‘Mini-Nemesis’ range included a talking Omega (will not included), a 9” Rani (cos six inches were never enough for Kate O’Mara) and a Meddling Monk with free transistor radio)

Perpugilligan's Island

Planet of Fire - Episode Two

Hey you! Yes, you.

"He's got a throat full of his manservant."

Are you subjugating an artificial life-form to further your nefarious ends? Hadn't you realized that slavery has been abolished? You might as well pack up your marbles on the end of sticks and jack off into obscurity, you relic. Should they bring the Master back to the new series then he'll probably have to be a misunderstood rebel whose evil is diluted with a love of ponies, likes music of Santana, has a social conscious and who's in touch with his feminine side. When what we actually want is a panto villain with an outrageous dress sense. And certainly someone who is able to say the word "gal" without sounding like a member of the aged aristocracy who's unable to talk because he's got a throat full of his manservant.

"The electronic equivalent of seeing Michael Jackson dangle "his" son over the edge of a hotel balcony."

Then, that "gal" comes out with the single most preposterous line ever uttered in an episode of Doctor Who, and that's going some. On being menaced by Kamelion in the guise of the Master, she says: "Yes, Kamelion, your real self. Come on. If you can't manage that, show me Howard, please.". Now. Why is it that Kamelion wouldn't be able to show his real self? Is it because the Master's mental control over the mechaniod is such that his will is immutable? Or is it because that Kamelion is a little shit and cannot even operate within the confines of studio setting never mind when, take a deep breath, outside! Perhaps the mental circuits of this advanced computer couldn't cope with the sight of Peri dangling a ZX81 ram pack over the edge of a cliff. Probably the electronic equivalent of seeing Michael Jackson dangle "his" son over the edge of a hotel balcony.

"Shredding up the town drinking splinters of creme de menthe."

And where the dialogue's not attempting to cover over the microscopically short shortcomings of companions, it is attempting to cram in backstory faster than Jade Goody at a serving tray of deep fried cod at an all you can barf buffet. Why hasn't Turlough mentioned his home planet before? Is it because he's a one dimensional, badly drawn boy? Albeit one who's a) more mobile than Kamelion and b) actually had an interesting introduction to the show. The biggest draw here is the coming together of two of the industry's notorious hellraisers. What I wouldn't do to witness Peter Wyngarde and Anthony Ainley shredding up the town drinking splinters of creme de menthe and regaling their entourage with tales of Thespian adventure.

I would certainly be their willing slave for the evening...

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 2 of Planet of Fire: in the Top Trumps deck of 1984 the Kamelion card's statistics were as follows - Agility: 0, Aggression: 0, Generosity: 0, Snogability: 0, Battery Life: 0.

Trion and Error

This week on Holiday 84, Cliff Michelmore takes in a short break to the planet Sarn

Planet of Fire Part 2

If you’re expecting more gratuitous flesh-flashing and full-on thigh reveals, then I’m afraid I’m gonna disappoint you. Episode 2 is like the post-coital cigarette: dull, slightly melancholic and definitely bad for you.

Oh look, it’s the Master in his 326th appearance of the Davison era. Except, er, it isn’t; apparently at the whim of his former master (sic.), the robot Kamelion has taken his form having first responded to Peri’s ‘psychic influence’ by appearing as her stepfather Howard in a black suit. Though no matter; surely the Master will be more than a match for a whiny, pampered student with little more than the - admittedly breathtaking - pair of apple dumplings she keeps down her top. But apparently not, as even Peri’s shriekingly bad attempts at mind control have Kamelion writhing around in some sort of halfway state like a cross between Taran Capel and one of those automated dummies from some car advert. Kicking Kamelion/Master in the shin may hurt her more than it hurts him, but at least it proves that Ainley is metallic after all rather than just wooden.

Oh look, it’s the Master in his 326th appearance of the Davison era

Meanwhile the Doctor and Turlough - having wisely left the TARDIS in the care of two complete strangers only minutes after meeting them - have gone for a stroll to see how many locals they can induct into the stripey clothes club. This leads to much walking around of the desolate landscapes of Sarn, followed by some more walking. Then some more. And some more still. Until they realise that the populace don’t bother hanging around the uninhabited wastelands and investigate the studio-bound sets instead. Whereupon the Doctor diagnoses the Sarnians’ chimney problems and recommends a mass exodus before one of them is overcome by Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Turlough - already as jittery as a bag full of snakes that’s been given a nasty fright - starts poking around some familiar-looking equipment and realises that the antecedents of Sarn were from his own father’s ship which crash-landed years before. This startling revelation into his past is about as shocking as discovering something about someone you don’t even know; though it’s enough for the Doctor to comment that he’s never seen his companion looking so nervous. And considering that when they first met, Turlough spent most of his time with a pained look on his face whilst clutching a glowing novelty ice-cube, is really saying something.

If you hadn’t already gathered, not a lot happens in this episode. Given a rather more attractive looking locale than usual, director Fiona Cumming perhaps wisely decides to make full use of the opportunities that Lanzarote rather than TC3 affords. But this fails to disguise just how much aimless wandering amongst rocks there is. Not to mention repetition. Peri gets chased by Kamelion, who turns into the Master, who turns into Howard, who turns into arguably the cheapest-looking Cyberman in the show’s history; and then back to the Master. It all looks very pretty - well, at least the location bits do; the studio stuff has all the flatness so redolent of mid-80s Who - but there’s an urge to get all ‘Pirate Planet’ and yell ‘WHAT’S IT FOR?!?’ as the episode meanders like an ox-bow lake to its less-than thrilling climax. If there’s any subtext it’s in the rather blatant riffing on The Wicker Man, as a society of superstitious yokels talk lots about outsiders, heretics and chosen ones; and at the first opportunity try to burn someone at the stake.

the Doctor and Turlough go for a stroll to see how many locals they can induct into the stripey clothes club.

Still, it’s not without its unintentionally diverting moments. Anyone know why Kamelion - ostensibly a robot despite what he may look like - rubs his head and checks for blood after being bopped by a piece of masonry while disguised as the Master? And where d’you reckon Peri has concealed the TARDIS’ comparator seeing as she’s wearing very little clothing in which to hide it (and wouldn’t finding out be fun…)? And what about possibly the least butch example of male-bonding ever seen outside of a Mardi Gras, as Turlough and Malkon compare the iron-on tattoos they both got after getting pissed-up on cheap cider one Trion night?

Next time: tune in to hear the Master perform his karaoke version of Living in a Box‘s eponymous eighties hit.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Planet of Fire 2: Peter Davison spends approximately 23 minutes of this episode looking perplexed: a Season 21 record)

Oh yes... Now we know.

Planet of Fire - Episode 1

Is it just me or is there nothing that really happens in this episode? Perhaps there were one or two things distracting me but what else was there? There were some issues to do with people having the mark of Doritos tortilla snack, Peter Wyngarde, a ton of flesh and that's about it.

And the flesh shots can be basically boiled down into five stages:

1) The postal order shot: Howard and his pecks - the firmest pair of man breast this side of a couple of Dalek etheric beam locators.

2) The money shot: Peri gets changed into her bikini and plunges into the salty brine. Perhaps salty brine isn't the best form of words for what is, in essence, Who Porn.

3) The loose change shot: Turlough strips down to his briefs to rescue a damsel in distress - a little frees-ant flickers across the other portion of the male viewing population who were unmoved by Peri's assets.

4) The banker's draft shot: Turlough drops an unconscious and damp Peri onto the beech. Spotty little Doctor Who fans think all their Christmases have come at one. And, consequently, they too all come at once.

5) The wire transfer shot: An unconscious and dripping Peri is deposited into one of the TARDIS beds, exhausted from her ordeal.

And that's basically it. Unless I've missed anything out...?

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 1 of Planet of Fire: even right up until her death, Mary Whitehouse would continually complain about the size of Peri's assets taking great pains to describe just how large and inappropriate they were to be shown at that time of an evening.

Thanks for the Mammaries

Presumably all you want to know is how many minutes into this episode is that bikini shot. Well, it’s fifteen. And this time I counted.

Planet of Fire Part 1

Imagine if you can Peter Grimwade’s reaction to JNT’s brief for this story. ‘Okay, Pete, I want you to set a story somewhere foreign - how’s about Lanzarote cos I can get about thirty of us there on a cheap package do - and we need to set up a few things in time for Peter’s departure story afterwards. What’s that, his replacement? Oh you’ll love him - very popular TV actor. Huge a few years ago, in fact pretty hefty these days if I’m honest. And very good at weddings. Right then, you’ve also got to write out Turlough, do something with Kamelion - I’ll explain that one later - and introduce the new American assistant. It’s okay, she’s not really American - but she’s got a couple of big assets. Oh, and before I forget, Tony Ainley’s been pestering me about some work again - yeah I know, nutty as squirrel shit inni - but to be fair the cricket season doesn’t start ‘til April. So, any questions? Pete…Pete, you there..?’

It’s a curious one, ‘Planet of Fire’. Set between arguably the two grand-standing stories of Season 21, its remit - as the above may have already suggested - is more to tie loose ends than be any coherent piece of drama. So the result is a shopping-trolley full of demands that even Terrance Dicks might have balked at. But I think its biggest problem - at least based on these opening twenty-five minutes - is that it looks a lot better than it really is. The location filming around Lanzarote’s desolate, volcanic plains must have made you think they’d accidentally put Holiday 84 on instead. And rarely has the switch between film and studio had such an arresting effect on your sense that this is all taking place in the same piece of television. It doesn’t help either that the stuff on Lanzarote - the real Lanzarote that is - is far more interesting than that on Sarn; populated as it is by a society of school nativity play rejects who bore you senseless with their talk of ‘chosen ones’ and Logar. And in Edward Highmore’s Malkon you have someone who could gorm for his country; and who would a year later in Howard’s Way be so wet as to make even the land-based action soggy.

in Edward Highmore’s Malkon you have someone who could gorm for his country

And yes, there is an awful lot of flesh on show even before we get to that moment. In fact the story could be subtitled ‘Young Men in Shorts’, as pretty much everyone - save the Doctor, whose only concession to the blistering temperature is to dump the celery and put on a natty sleeveless cardy - is bare-legged, bare-chested or just bearable. Even Turlough - apparently at the whim of JNT, who following Nyssa’s skirt-dropping exit had somehow imagined that it was now traditional for the departing companion to shed clothing in their final story - is at one point down to his speedos (though given the chance to ‘rescue‘ Nicola Bryant, who wouldn‘t be?). Not even Torchwood could boast this amount of wobbling meat in every episode…

And it’s a good thing too, as beyond the surface of sunny tourist traps and - gasp - heaving companion-puppies, there’s bugger all to maintain the interest. Given the sort of location that would have made Pennant Roberts weep, Fiona Cumming’s direction is so pedestrian as to have a double yellow line down the middle of it. And whatever subtext there is to the Sarn inhabitants’ obsessing about faith and human sacrifice is couched in such dull dialogue and characterisation as to make you desperate for the next flash of Turlough’s thighs. Thank God then that Peter Wyngarde is the sort of actor that can make any dross like this sound like Shakespeare; his constant purring about the only memorable thing in this episode beyond the purely visual.

pretty much everyone is bare-legged, bare-chested or just bearable

And then there’s Kamelion, JNT’s own Millennium Dome of misguided disasters. Check out how bored Peter Davison looks sharing a scene with the lip-synched robot and you’ve got all the reasons why he decided to jump ship rather than commit to a fourth year. Having apparently been somewhere in the TARDIS for the past five stories - and judging by his state he was probably sticking his metallic nob in one of the ship’s roundels - Kamelion gets to scream, balance precariously by the TARDIS console and play dress-up again as the principal guest cast. Which means that as Howard he has to wear a dark suit for no explicable reason - except of course because it’s what the Master/Kamelion will be wearing - and gets to turn into Ainley in time for a shit-eating grin before the closing credits.

I suppose we’d also better mention Peri, seeing as she’s about the only reason that the VHS for this story ever risks getting worn out. Well, besides her wavering accent - making you wonder what part of America JNT thought Nicola Bryant was from (Hampshire?) - she makes a decent enough impression (now then, don’t be crude) and her relationship with Howard is arguably one of the first of Doctor Who’s now de rigueur delves into domestic angst (apparently one of the interminable Big Finish audios even suggested some sort of abusive relationship, but you get no real hint here apart from Peri’s fear of Howard ‘abandoning’ her). Though what she thinks she’s going to do with the novelty dildo that her stepfather has dragged up from the depths is, perhaps, best left to the slash writers.

And then there’s Kamelion, JNT’s own Millennium Dome of misguided disasters

But despite what we try to make of ’Planet of Fire’ more than twenty years later, it’s that one moment that will forever be burned on fandom’s consciousness and have a million then-teenage boys crossing their legs at the memory. In an instant all memories of androgynous, page-boy sixties companions are forgotten and Doctor Who gets a collective hard-on the likes of which will make even Torchwood seem impotently flaccid. And God bless Nicola Bryant for that.

Next time: more talk, less flesh. And Ainley gets to play two roles, both of them shit.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Planet of Fire 1: 95% of Doctor Who fans lost their virginity to themselves when this episode was first broadcast)