Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

iWho Podcast: New Earth

"mmmmmmm... Matron!!"

Tachyon TV present an alternative tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary for New Earth

Topics up for discussion this week include: the arse of Boe, Terrance Dicks' cameo, Mr. Benn, Carlsberg hospitals, campery, humbuggery, and John Prescott at the point of orgasm.

Available from the usual place

Cat - astrophe

At last, I return from the wilderness - months of stress from moving house, a 7 year old with apendicitis and no internet finally behind me (and I have missed being part of this blog) - only to find that the joy of new Doctor Who on the telly has been replaced with a pervading sense of...is that it?

So, I know I am nearly a week late, but here we go with my thoughts on:

New Earth

By the way - I'm not going to review the story as such, for fear of repeating the wise words of others. So instead, let's begin with...endings.

Now I happen to like Russell T's writing. A lot. The original Queer As Folk was a masterclass. Casanova was a great romp, and Mine All Mine was...okay well everyone has an off day. But he IS a good writer. With great ideas. However, sometimes I think that his ideas are typed onto the keyboard faster than his brain can think, and we end up with nonsense instead of finely tuned drama. And nowhere is this more obvious than in his endings. Take Queer As Folk 2: another cracking script, brilliantly acted, but, oops I can't think of a way to end this in the time available so I'll completely cock up the internal realistic consistency of my world and tack on a SF lite ending to get me out of a corner. And let's be honest, who was happy with the end of The Second Coming after the build up of the previous two hours? I know I wasn't.

And this flaw in RTD's writing skills is soooooo evident in "New Earth". It's the concepts where Russell's at - dozens of them flying at the screen in mad profusion. Weird cat-like nuns? Check. Zippy alien visuals? Check. Bit of vague social commentary? You betcha. Chuck in a "old" villain and a dose of high camp and stir briskly before simmering for 45 minutes. One can almost imagine Russell musing in his office "Hmmm what diseases shall I give the lab rats? I know! ALL of them!" before Bwa-ha-ha-ing manicly in that booming laugh of his. Voila, the perfect Doctor Who souffle. Not. Because when it comes down to it, Russ has a mental block with endings. Sometimes he can do it (QAF1) but often, he just can't make the grade.

Oh, it all sounds so good on paper - and some of it even comes off on screen. I actually liked the decontamination shower scene. I liked the chavtastic Cassandra / Rose. Some of the dialogue is sparkily crisp, and even the "samba" moment raised a grin. But it's that ending that is the dog turd on the pavement.

Back in his office, Russell the T is sweating... "Bugger I've got three plot strands, eight main characters, a zombie army and only five minutes of time left. I know! With one bound he was free... no...no that's Spider-man. Got it! The Doctor saves the zombies with some coloured sugar water and a hug. Phew that was close, and no one will notice a thing. Bwa-ha-ha-ha".

On the plus side, Russell does write some of the best one-liners,quotable dialogue and stand out scenes in the business - stuff which you KNOW the kids will be repeating in the playground on Monday's  - and, although I don't quite think the stem cell research / hospital zombies analogy stands up to scrutiny, I CAN see what he was aiming for. Billie Piper looked fantastic throughout and yer man David IS the Doctor, lever pulling an' all.

As a side note, I thought it was clever how the main BBC trailers made it look like the clips were from lots of different episodes when actually most of them were from New Earth. Sneaky. But someone please tell me what the Tardisode had to do with the main plot? The screaming woman at the end of the clip wasn't really a lead in to the episode was it? I guess it was more about setting the tone.

Final scores on the doors then... A C+ for effort but must try harder at not letting the big ideas overwhelm the plot. And I want a proper ending dammit !

Pussy n Gore

I'm sitting here, in the Farmer's Market in LA, with a very, very angry forehead. Lack of hair, and decent sun protection, has left me with a glowing red heid. There are huge flaps of skin simply falling from my face. And I've given a name to my pain. I've called it Cassandra. But even these lifeless flaps of skin have more reason, more motive and, well, just more about them than the flap than the returning flap in Doctor Who...

New Earth

Sweet Jimmy Saville! Where the hell did this one go wrong? And it all started so very well. As someone said (probably Sean or Neil) it's going to be a vintage year for lever pulling and console fondling. Tennant is definitely getting into his stride as he swaggers around the TARDIS console pulling and tweaking all sorts of levers. We also get the barest of snatches of Jackie and Mickey (always good to have just a snatch of Jackie) before the TARDIS whisks them away from the Powell estate on a trajectory that takes them into horribly wrong territory...

Whilst it's definitely good that they're branching out a little in this series and at least getting to other planets you've got to ask yourself this, just how difficult was it to make the Gower Peninsula look like an alien world? Slap a little cgi around the place and bingo-bango. Not too sure why they shied away from this sort of thing in the first series. And then, to go and diss the creators of Futurama with another New New York was just plain suicidal. But that wasn't the worst of it. There's a utopian world built upon a dark secret. Surely these sorts of cliches only exist down at the levels of fan fiction? Utopian structures always have some sort of deep dark secret beneath them, just look at Noel's House Party? He had a phalanx of rats beneath Crinkly Bottom who's weak neuron electrical signals were being harvested to keep Tony Blackburn's career alive. Whatever next in this cliche ridden story, body swaps?

And also borrowing from Noel we have the gunge tank. It seems a little extreme that if you've managed to cure all diseases you still need to hose off hospital visitors like radiation decontamination. Still, we nearly got Doctor Who's first wet t-shirt shot. I can't wait till they visit an Ugly Coyote bar or land in the foyer of Hooters. I do think that the main reason that this story just doesn't function is down to the motives that are driving various people. The cats just don't seem to be evil enough or merciless enough to have built a vast array of tanks to store genetically created infected 'meat'. And their "claws", please. Hardly Wolverine are they? These little itty bitty prongs shoot out. Might give someone a nasty itch with those. And Cassandra, well. Bringing her back is a little bit like a short lived band who bring out a Greatest Hits album, despite only having 3 records chart, and have to pad out the remaining 80% of the record with b-sides and other dross. Her motives are equally opaque. She's after money, granted, but the thing about her wanting to find out what the cats are all about just doesn't hang together.

The zombies are, well, a little shit. And it's not the make up job, but the way they move around. Not so much Michael Jackson's Thriller, more like Glenda Jackson's Thriller. The "solution" to their condition is trite and smacks of "christ, 5 minutes left and we have to save everyone" style Star Trek ending. Very poor. Although the Doctor's jerry-rigging of a solution to save them made him look like MacGyver, which in itself isn't a bad thing.

Still, on the upside, Tennant and Piper were fantastic. The Face of Boe thing is obviously building into this season's loose arc. Did anyone else spot the morse code in the ward? Probably someone's heart beat but what did it say?

The Doctor Who Bumper Book of Made-up Facts has this to say about New Earth: so expensive was the Face of Boe to construct that the BBC has had to use it 3,546 times so far including presenting the National Lottery show, as one half of a dance pair on Strictly Dance Fever and as Natasha Kaplinski's love interest on the 6 o'Clock News.

New New Doctor

I just sat down and watched New Earth once more, hoping that a second viewing would endear me to the story. Sadly it didn’t.

After the episode had finished on Saturday I just felt so disappointed. All that build up and everything and then we get a mediocre opening episode that wasn’t nearly as exciting as the opening episode of the first series had been. I would have expected them to start with a bang rather than with a whimper!

It looked very nice (some of establishing shots of the new Earth and the hospital complete with flying cars and everything were lovely) and the story was directed with some verve and style (the opening TARDIS scenes with Tennant flicking switches and pulling levers were well directed).

The dialogue was also very good. If there is one thing you cannot fault RTD on, it’s the ability to write funny, quotable dialogue.

The story was ok but it suffered from having to be told in one single forty-five minute episode. There was quite a lot of interesting stuff in this story, and one does wonder what it would have been like told over two episodes. For instance, the scene when the Doctor was shut into that pod thing and was told that he had just three minutes to live. I am sure quite a lot of tension could have been wrung from that scene but no, a few seconds later and he was just let out again.

And what the hell was the point of the Face of Boe? There was this big thing about him wanting to tell the Doctor something, and then at the end he just goes and disappears, saying that it wasn’t all that important and could wait. I mean what was that all about? Is it something that is not going to be resolved until series 3? You had the return of Cassandra in this episode. Wasn’t that enough? Obviously, it was not.

On the subject of Cassandra, she was one of the things that I did like about the episode. She had some of the best dialogue and was really what the episode was all about. Well, it was by the end of the story anyway. The Reformation of Cassandra as a friend of mine said. The plot about the diseases and the cat nurses wasn’t really what the episode was about at all. It was about Cassandra.

Now after watching this episode for a second time I still don’t like David Tennant as the Doctor. I just don’t like the way he plays the part. There were a number of times during this episode when he just shouted at people in an attempt to appear more commanding. You don’t need to shout to be commanding at all.

I hope to god that I will like his portrayal soon but at the moment I would place him on par with Sylvester McCoy, mainly because when he shouts he reminds me of McCoy. 

Billie on the other hand was simply fantastic in the episode, which is saying something considering she spends the majority of the episode playing Cassandra. She was much better as the Cassandra-Rose than David Tennant was as the Cassandra-Doctor who was just silly and over the top (the samba scene in particular). Billie is a definite talent and I, for one, am glad that she is going to be in the show for a little while longer.

It did come to my attention though watching the episode how familiar with each other the Doctor and Rose were, far more so than she was with the ninth Doctor. I am not too sure what I think about that but, from what I can gather, a lot of fans have no problem with that. Whether that is because David Tennant is the Doctor and that everything he does is just so “doctorish” that anything goes I am not sure. It’s just that quite a few of the fans who were not all that impressed with the relationship between the Doctor and Rose last year, seem to have absolutely no problem with it this year. 

One person on here pointed out how similar the conclusion of this story was to the conclusion of The Doctor Dances. Well, after watching the episode again I can concur that it is just like the end of The Doctor Dances only not half as good.

I wanted to enjoy this episode, I really did. I was just left with the feeling that it could have been so much better.

Hopefully the next episode will be better, and, judging from the next week trailer, it is going to be.

4/10.

Carry On Pussy

Warning: during this review, I will not be making any gratuitous jokes regarding pussy. There will be no smut-laden references to nurses uniforms. You will not find any childish comments about pumping up Rose Tylers bouncy castle. And even though this is an episode written by Russel T. Davies, I will resist the tempation to mention pussy farts.

There, that feels better. (And the sound you can here in the background is Neil grumbling as he locks down the site with an AdultPass).

Before I launch into a review of the episode proper, I'm going to waste a few paragraphs complaining about something in the pre-title sequence. Yes, you all know what I'm referring to. It's 'Touching Farewell Between Jackie, Mickey and Rose #372'.

It's not just because we all know that this scene is totally pointless, given that we'll be back on the Powell Estate in a matter of weeks (and I don't want any whining about spoilers. A return visit to contemporary London is as inevitable as the setting of the sun and another season of Stargate). And it's not because Roses transformation into time travelling companion was complete at the end of last year (remember that classic scene in the chip shop?).

No, it's because while watching a recent episode of Doctor Who Confidential (or perhaps it was Totally Doctor Who. Or maybe it was one of the TARDISodes. Mark my words people, the general public burnout and backlash is coming this year), one of the anonymous talking head media pundits referred to Jackie and Mickey as beloved major characters of the series. Yup, they've made this place domestic. Eccelstone saw it coming. I should probably have saved that rant for one of the other eight or so episodes these two will be appearing in, but as there is so little else to talk about this week I needed something to pad out the text.

Anyway, New Earth. Think Coruscant on a budget and saddled with some ecologically minded town planners. It looks like RTD has once again front-loaded the season with eye-popping visuals, though it's a shame The Mill succumbed to the cliche of throwing a few hover car races into the skyline. It's the year five billion and twenty three, and the human race is still locking themselves in metal boxes? There are more imaginative ways to travel, you know.

For example, take Body Swapping. Please. Would you Adam-'un-Eve-it, our favorite villian from last year survived and now hides out in the basement of a hospital. No, it's not the Dalek. Or the Gelth. Or the gas-mask zombies.  Or the Autons. Or the Jagrafess. Can we get Simon Pegg this week? Nope. OK. It's not even a Slitheen in intensive care suffering from a bowel disorder. It's... Zoe Wannmaker! Was Cassandra really that popular last year? Apparently so, because we've got a whole friggin' episode centered around her. It seems that the fatal bout of dry skin Eccles subjected her to last year wasn't quite so fatal. How she made it to New Earth is as inexplicable as her newfound ability to swap bodies, and poor Rose is the first unwilling host.

Thank godness for Billie Piper, who's portray of upperclass-totty-slumming-it-in-chav-central saves this episode from the bedpan. And a charming moment of jiggling and curve-stroking should keep the lonlier members of fandom in good sted for a few weeks at least. Gentlemen, set your vidcap equipment to stunned.

Meanwhile RTD attempts what could be a bit of social commentary on stem cell research, as a race of eeevil cat people grow a farm of human test subjects in the bowels of the hospital to experiment on. Unfortunately, as social commentary goes this episode has about as much meat on it as a supermodel with ameobic dysentery. And that's before the army of shuffling plague zombies show up. An embarrasing and geographically confusing chase sequence ensues which is finally brought to a close by the Doctor, who comes up with the audacious plan of... um... curing the plague carriers. Brilliant.

By the way, David Tennant needs to stop shouting. Having the hero make his point with volume makes him come across as more than a little impotent. Aside from that, the Tenth Doctor is still a worth successor and I'm enjoying the camp. Maybe he'll actually have something interesting to do next week.

The problem here is that the whole episode is completely unfocused and all over the shop. We're dragged from London to the distant future via the Night of the Living Dead, before the episode writes itself into a corner with Cassandra and, needing someway to resolve her character, dumps us at an unspecified time in the past at the Worst. Dinner. Party. Evaah (where the Ambassador from Thrace is really spoiling us). Dying Cassandra gets to tell her pre-stretched counterpart just how beautiful she is. Yeah, lets play up her most lothesome characteristic - her vanity. That'll make for a touching ending.

Oh, and I can't let this episode go without mentioning the Face of Boe, who it seems is angling for the job of this seasons Bad Wolf. Last year, that repeating meme was subtly introduced into each episode and ultimately made no sense. This year, the repeating meme is spray-painted on the side of an Anvil and dropped on the audiences head. And will ultimately make no sense.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about New Earth: A guest appearance by Danny John Jules in the Cat hospital had to be cancelled at the last minute when nobody could remember who he was.

Better

New Earth turned out better than I'd hoped.

In the words of Simon Cowell, "I was entertained." But also in the words of Simon Cowell, "It was a bit karaoke". In fact, it was very karaoke indeed. RTD's writing and plotting left far too many holes and badly used characters: the Catsisters failed to motivate their cause, the science was dreadful, the whole Face of Bo thing should have been chopped by a competent editor. But in the end, it wasn't about characters and plot.

It was about dialog. Sparkling dialog with just the right amount of Sharon Osborning of Cassandra last night (with Louis Walsh as her vat-grown companion) and Doctor/Rose interaction.

Which begs the question. Is Dr Who just about having a good time with witty dialog? Isn't there supposed to be something deeper to the stories? A moral heft?  The New Earth morality tale rang false to me without the story to back it up.

"They should have a shop!"

Bah. Here I was, all hyped up and ready to enjoy brand new Doctor Who and then Russell goes and screws it all up with a bunch of campiness and unwanted characters. Thanks a bunch.

So what went wrong? Letting Mr Davies write the thing, for a start. Actually, that's a bit unfair, the script did have its moments - few as they were. So rather then focus on the writer, let's focus on his mistakes.

What was up with the diseases? If they'd been cured, why the hell were there people down below infected with them? It might have made sense if it'd gone with my earlier guess at what was going on - they were growing clones to transfer the diseases to - but that was too simple for Russell, wasn't it! And while we're on the subject, Intravenous drugs - even attractively-coloured ones from the year five billion and twenty three - would not do anything if you splashed them on your skin. They have to be injected, hence the name 'Intravenous'. Big gaping plot hole right there.

The rest of the flaws are somewhat easier to overlook, (recycling of sets [the papermill from 'Rose'] and scenes [the Elevator sequence from 'Rose' and 'Dalek'], the Face of Boe's voice being totally inappropiate, etc) but they're the big ones. And on the other end of the scale...

I like David Tennant. I wasn't sure, 'cause I hadn't seen that much of him, but this pretty much confirmed what I was hoping. He's a good Doctor. And Billie Piper isn't half bad either. Considering that I'm not a big fan of her, and that's high praise. Also, and I'm probably going to be alienated for this, I liked both their acting as Cassandra. Call me old fashioned, but I like a good ol' fashioned body-swap. The cat-people were also pretty creepy, so some point for that as well. And... no, I think that's about it. Sadly.

Not the best series opener I could imagine - good think that TCI is being classed as part of this series then, isn't it? 3 for RTD's lackluster writing, 1 for the shop idea, and 2 for the body-swapping. Total - 6/10. Must do better.

Brave New Earth?

After choking a little on just how bad last night’s offering was, I jotted down some incoherent rants then refined them later. It’s still been a massive disappointment – I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece but this takes the biscuit. What kind of twisted logic dictates that you always start a new season with something stupidly weak, eh Russell? Never since Twin Dilemma have I wished for something to end sooner more often.

He never really gets round to explaining why they don’t die if they’re infected with every disease, either. Or, in fact, how they could effectively test drugs on patients suffering from everything. Blimey – hasn’t RTD ever watched House? And what about the intravenal drips which work when they’re simply sprayed on the zombies? Not to mention the cure being passed on by touch.

It starts well enough – Tennant slicking those switches with aplomb, chemistry between the leads, stunning use of location footage with CGI and a sinister Irish albino. Looks good. But then RTD has to go and spoil everything by making it into a silly panto which quickly descends into farce – not only all the body swapping but the ‘funny’ lift sequences. Oh, and the kiss.

It’s gratuitous, adds nothing to the plot or character and is just another case of writer out of control, (although I do love Tennant’s expression as she walks away). Not to mention the ceaseless innuendo which normally I’m OK with but under Russell’s guidance and without Cptn Jack it doesn’t work. Nor does the plot, actually. It lets thousands of zombies wake up without the adrenaline boost which raises the first lot, also able to walk and talk, without having had any muscle development in their lives. He never really gets round to explaining why they don’t die if they’re infected with every disease, either. Or, in fact, how they could effectively test drugs on patients suffering from everything. Blimey – hasn’t RTD ever watched House? And what about the intravenal drips which work when they’re simply sprayed on the zombies? Not to mention the cure being passed on by touch. It’s ludicrous.

Right, plot holes aside (and there are more holes in this than a Sea Devil’s vest) it was OK. On first viewing, I did nothing but cringe – massively confusing anyone who walked in on me who was under the impression I was a fan. It has improved – almost raising a smile with some of the better scenes.

Tenant can do funny far-and-away better than Eccleston ever managed. But his ‘angry’ is also superb – especially the line about trying to keep calm. He over eggs it a bit at the endwith the cured zombies but that’s a small quibble. Alarmingly, at points he lacks the thing which makes the Doctor. I can’t put my finger on it but in The Christmas Invasion he had it and more than once it slips and we’re no longer in DW. It’s a bad episode to judge from and I’d certainly not condemn him but it was startling to see. Still, he’s a fine actor and both he and Billie carry off the body swapping excellently well.

Thank goodness she can act! Think how awful it could have been. But the switches were crisp and I liked the way she used her accent – so simple yet so effective. Still, it’d be better not to contemplate whether ‘chav’ as word exists in 5 000 000 023.

Edging gently ever closer to the positive, the cat-nuns looked fantastic, with much more expression than I was expecting. I’m also glad Zoe Wannamaker didn’t feature more – the old Cassandra managed to look even worse this time – even if she does do her small part very well.

At least the last two minutes were exciting – a preview of what looks set to be a cracking episode and then the middle eighth. Best bit of the whole thing really. So, not good – not even close. It doesn’t help that the online commentary only pops up as a Quicktime thingy which just will not work. Any info concerning that would be appreciated – something downloadable to Windows Media Player would make sense. Still, we have next week to look forward to.

Yawn of the Dead

Tat Wood and Lawrence Miles are currently releasing some wonderfully comprehensive reference works on Doctor Who called About Time. In these books there's always a section for each story called 'Things That Don't Make Sense' and, depending on the extent of the logical atrocities committed, you generally get 2-3 pages where the authors will poke plenty of holes in the plot.

If Wood and Miles ever get around to tackling the new series they'll need to release an entire volume exclusively dedicated to things that don't make sense in New Earth.

I just don't get what the cats are playing at. If they've cured all known diseases then why do they still need thousands of clones infected with thousands of curable diseases? Are these lab-rats for pure research into diseases they don't already have a cure for? If so, why infect them with *everything*? That's just silly, isn't it? Why not just infect them with just the stuff they can't cure?

Is there supposed to be a symbiotic link between the cure and the diseased? A nun says something about a "blood wash" at one point but the connection (if any) is never put into any form of context. It just seems pointless.

It is supposed to be a treatise on stem cell research? If so, I'm sure George W. Bush would have fully endorsed the Doctor's stance on this issue - but we're not allowed to have any kind of debate on the subject: we've just got to accept that the Doctor is right and the cats are wrong. Besides, why waste time when you can wallow in some camp nonsense instead?

The main reason we're supposed to feel sorry for these "clones" because they just happen to speak "zombie". For no apparent reason. The script desperately attempts to explain this little anomaly but it just points at a gaping whole in the initial set-up. Echo of life? Load of bollocks.

But it doesn't matter because they are just there to be lumbering zombies and to pose a bit of a threat. I did enjoy the homage to Dawn of the Dead, though, especially the zombies spilling out of the lift and rubbing themselves up against the glass. Quite scary for BBC1 at 7:30pm.

And the Doctor's cure? While perfectly sound in this ridiculous context (which surely means the zombies can't be infected with stuff they can't cure, so I'll ask again - why bother???) the way they "pass it on" was banal beyond belief. A clever hospital-wide sprinkler system solution I could just about buy, but the dreaded lurgy in reverse? Come on!

And then there's Cassandra. How? Why? What???? What's she been doing sitting up there in the roof of a hospital when she could have escaped into a body *any time she liked*???? I say again - WHAT? And why does she suddenly accept her mortality as soon as she jumps into her lackey? Her worships her so he wouldn't want her to die, would he? And she's evil. So WHY?????

The ending was utterly ridiculous too. Was I supposed to be moved by the fact that Cassandra got the opportunity to go back in time to give herself a compliment - conveniently holding back a massive heart attack in the process? This appears to be a pivotal moment that she remembers in the future - and yet she still turns out to be a bitch. So what's the point, beyond giving Zoe some screen time?

Paul Hayes mentioned that RTD moved a line from the first episode into season 3, and I agree with his supposition that it must be the Face of Boe's decision to not bother to impart his GREAT WORDS OF WISDOM at the very last minute. So why bother with Boe in the first place? He just clogs up an episode full of disparate stuff all fighting for attention. Textbook enigmatic? Pointless nonsense! Telepathy? Inability to sync up the lips, more like. Sorry, but when the plot is this bad that's all I'm thinking about...

Am I nit-picking? Am I watching this with the wrong eyes? Am I just a grumpy old sod?

Well, it's not all bad news. It looked nice. Tennant and Piper were both excellent given the limitations of the script, and the 10th Doctor still pulls levers like no one on earth. In fact, best opening shot of a season - ever!

But the "samba" moment? Good lord.

I believe the working title for this story was Plague Farm. I'm surprised they didn't kill two birds with one stone and call it Plague Camp.

Still, next week looks good...

4/10

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about New Earth: during the transmission of this episode the BBC switchboard was jammed with people (mistakenly) complaining about Graham Norton's voice mysteriously appearing over the Doctor's dialogue again.  

Prophecy 1: I'm not a geek!!!

Excuse me for titling this post with regard to me, when it is actually a New Earth review, but I am now officially the only person that matters as far as television goes. Let me explain.

Early this morning (I would have posted sooner, knowing that there would be a jam of posts now, but have been out all day) I realised something. Something that shocked me, and something which I never expected. I realised I'm not a Doctor Who Geek. I'm not even a Doctor Who Fan in the literal sense. I am merely a viewer. True, I know the names of all the Doctors. True, I've seen almost every story available. True, I can name the home planets of the Time Lords, the Daleks, and the Cybermen (Yes, both of them!). All these things are considered geeky by my friends and colleagues. But the curious thing was that, when I was watching the "Who-ru" quiz on Totally Doctor Who on Thursday, I realised I didn't know the answers to most of the questions, and what's stranger, I didn't care. And, as excited as everyone seemed to be online about the premiere, and as excited as even my friends have been (the ones who call me a geek!), I didn't feel excited. I wasn't even bothered. I had a technical rehearsal for a show I'm in next week (The Sorcerer in Grantham, I'm the lead!!!), and so I had to record it, and I realised I didn't care that I wasn't watching it.

So there, I'm not a geek. I'm not a detestor of the show. I'm exactly between the two. I am now, officially, The Average Viewer.

Having made this startling revelation, I (somewhat half-heartedly) sat down to watch New Earth at 10:00. Now, I have made many points referring to my dislike of Billie Piper, and my unlike (it's not strong enough to be dislike) for RTD's scripts, so you probably know what to expect from my comments on an RTD-written, Piper-centric episode. So here it goes, in 4 simple words: I didn't like it. Now, I don't wish to offend anyone, so anyone who prefers positive thoughts should move to the penultimate paragraph. That's near the end.

I thought that the plot was stringy. I strongly feel that RTD's scripts should be edited, or that someone else should write them and he should be the editor. Cassandra should have had a proper introduction! But no, it's an "Oh." moment, instead of an "Oh!", "Oh?" or "Ooooooh!" moment. I know he'd leaked it to the press, but in 42 years time, they won't know that, and any viewers for reruns would be surprised. When (Well, If) this hits America, they won't have all the press releases and leaks and gossip mongers. They won't care enough. So the viewers just won't understand. The opening snippet was quite good, and it's only a shame that it didn't go anywhere. "We're going to go farther than we've ever gone before." leads to me saying "So what?" instead of "Where? WHERE?!?", which it should have been.

There were fewer of those dreadful monologues, although a lot of the brief speeches had the same wear-and-tear effect on me. The lines about "the first date". The "lab rat" that spoke, the "we understand why you did it" speech, was unneccessary and uninteresting. The lines about Rose's "curves" (FAMILY SHOW!!! What the hell is RTD playing at? Does he want to turn a generation of girls and boys into sluts and pimps?). Please excuse the occasional homicidal outburst.

I don't know if it's RTD who picks the actors, but the ones in his episodes are always fairly ropey. The cats moved between solemn (which worked, very creepy) to overactive faces and voices (which didn't work, very stupid). The lawyer was far too melodramatic, although most of the other patients were quite good. They didn't have to move. Chip was good, except when he was Cassandra, then he wasn't at all convincing.

Billie Piper gave her least dislikeable performance here, but then again I've just seen The Truman Show and I still hate Jim Carrey (It's a bloody good film, though!). And talk about overacting! I still found her immensely irritating. But the accent is much more acceptable. And now, I'm sorry about this, but it has to be done:
--------------------WARNING---------------------
THE WORDS "DIDN'T LIKE" AND "DAVID TENNANT" ARE ABOUT TO BE USED IN THE SAME SENTENCE!!! LOOK AWAY NOW IF EASILY OFFENDED!!!
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I didn't like David Tennant as Cassandra. I thought it was an idiot thing to put in, and I thought he was completely unconvincing. Not right at all. I hated the "Go into him!" "Go into her!" scene, it reminded me too much of the Chuckle Brothers "To Me" "To You".

AND NOW: COLEBERG CORPORATION PROUDLY PRESENTS.... A COMPLIMENT!!!

The Doctor was spot on. And I don't mean David Tennant (as fabulous as he was). No, this time the compliment goes to RTD. How many of you died of shock? Anyone who answers "Me" will be court-marshalled. Seriously, the writing for Mr Tennant to deliver was absolutely on the dot. The Shop references were perfect. The shouting was perfect. Everything about The Doctor (except for the body swap, and the bit where he says "What have you done to Rose?") was perfect. So, even allowing faults, his screen time of perfection was roughly 30 minutes. Well done RTD, you did something right!

Now, back to The Prophecy. For those of you who can't remember and can't be bothered to scroll down, I said this: "Dud. Another RTD panto." Now I say: DT was great, BP was irritating, RTD was on the wacky baccy. And we're still waiting to hear from Avid Merrion (The Face of Bo!). Script and direction were unevenly edited, as well as the music. Acting was very poor in some places, and the Zoe Wannamaker impersonations needed a lot more work." And to conclude: "Not a panto. Still a dud". 3.5/10