Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Nob

Like all drunken bets in the pub things can be taken too far. The suggestion, following 14 Bacardi and Cokes, that you'd not be able to get the BBC to agree to putting a child's monster into a multi million pound drama series was, of course, like a red rag to a bull. Or even a Red Bull to a rag.

And what with next week's show based around a child's drawings that come to life is this all we can expect from here on in? Endless cyclical meta-textual cock? TV's Elton Welsby thinks so...

And is it just me, or can anyone else remember a news story not so long ago about a chap that was arrested for having sex on pavements? Not on, mind you, but with. I did some extensive research and the only conclusion I could arrive at was never, ever, no matter how desperate you are, type "man having sex with pavement" into Google.

Love & Monsters

Today's forecast calls for nothing but oral sex. Oral sex and other thinly veiled references of a carnal nature. That's one weird thing you'd not even hear Daniel Corbett saying during on of his forecasts. There's so much unbridled smut going on this episode I almost thought I heard the TARDIS moan contentedly when Elton felt the old girl up. Sod Love & Monsters, it should have been called Get Your Rocks Off.

Elton legs it when he hears the dulcet tones of Rose screaming at a pitch that would put a dent in 3 inch steel only to come across a rather unpleasant piece of work. When he opens the door to stare at a beast, that bears an uncanny resemblance to our own Princess Royal, his face drops like a dissatisfied contestant on Blind Date who's just had the partition roll back to reveal Barry from Totnes, a hirsute gentleman with various person hygiene issues after seeing male model, Mario from Gwent, go past earlier.

The inevitable Benny Hill tribute ensues (not since Tom Baker continually slapped that little bald chap on his head, after being chased around by Leela, in The Sun Makers have we seen anything like this) and as Elton makes his excuses after being scared off by the  Doctor, who asks him "wasn't that you in State of Play?", he sinks into the warming embrace of a brick wall, face contorted in the sort of ecstasy you'd only get if you were locked into the Home Depot's paving store overnight.

It's at this stage I began to question why Elton was making this video. Who was the intended audience or was it merely some sort of video diary or blog for his own person use? Blogging is such a self indulgent pastime. Who in their right mind would be pompous enough to think that anyone was even remotely interested in anything they had to say? It's the multimedia equivalent of wanking. And I have no idea why leaning into camera isn't good enough for him? If it's good enough for Keith Boak it's good enough for him.

Just when we think we're going to get another clips show, and I was waiting for the obligatory appearance of Jimmy "I CAN'T STAND HIS MACHINE TOOLED FACE" Carr, we get Auton and Slitheen re-enactments, as if there's some sort of Civil War lot who, tiring of trotting out Cromwell week after week, decide to turn their skills to re-enacting alien invasions. And, wait for it, then we have a crowd scene without JP! Oh the humanity.

And he's me thinking that ELO was the Lancastrian equivalent of J-Lo. It's a shame he wasn't into Bullseye, you can't beat a bit of Bully. You get nothing in this game for two in a bed - more on that later.

Ursula Blake, most likely to fight back, and give oral gratification from a paving slab. I could see a lot of myself in LINDA. Very fitting for an episode so steeped in sexual innuendo it would give a Carry On film a run for its money. Victor's appearance was very theatrical and yes, he did look like the cat theatre man Eccleston played in The League of Gentlemen. Doling out homework, like the Tachyon Overlord setting us tasks to complete each and every week.

Sexual tension fizzes into over drive once Jackie Tyler turns up, having lost the batteries to her rampant rabbit you know you're in trouble. If she started waving her knickers at me in the launderette I'd run a country mile. Damn good job we were flashed a quick glimpse of Blunderwoman to calm our collective ardours. Camille Coduri is in full on Nuns on the Run mode here. And it's scaring the living crappola out of me.

The unmasked Victor Kennedy looks a little like Bubbles DeVere's avocado addicted twin brother. Except with a Bolton accent. And if every planet has a Bolton, does that mean that every planet has a Bolton Wanderers? And therefore there are an infinite number of Sam Allardyces in the Universe? Yet another sobering thought. Then Ursula gets sucked off... I mean sucked in... to that Peter Kay thing. Still, at least she could still do adverts for Specsavers. The Absorbaloff reveals himself to be fairly hirsute himself, but with that tiny little posing pouch it's amazing there are no pubes on the loose. Unless that's what on his head and shoulders. A disturbing thought. And one that's been triggered by that twisted little nine year old.

Elton has some sobering words to leave us with: All those who touch the Doctor, either get destroyed, or turned into a masonry pervert. Christ, if he clocked the slabs at the base of Rassilon's plinth, he'd go into spasms of pleasure. How long, in a world where civil partnerships between same sex couples have just been recognized, would it take Elton and his concrete partner, to get their union recognized and blessed? And what about temptation? It's all around. One minute you're in Dixons and the next you're ogling some cracks on the sidewalk. It'll never last...

If you, or a member of your family has been affected by any of the topics discussed in this programme then please call our special helpline, 1-800-SLABSEX, where our banks of specially trained flagstone counsellors are poised and ready (in-between taking calls on the paving desk of Do It All) to laugh uproariously at your inner most secrets and desires.

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Love & Monsters: 9 year old William Grantham, creator of the Absorbaloff, is now locked into a bitter wrangle over the use of his creation between the BBC and his representatives from Roger Hancock Ltd.

A Beautiful Mindwarp!

Love and Monster's could have been a lot worse.

It also could have been a whole lot better. But sadly that kind of sums up the series reboot as a whole.

Now hold on there- don’t hang, draw and quarter me- before you’ve heard my piece! I’ve enjoyed the new series, it's great to see a British (or more accurately Welsh) made Sci-Fi series on our screens, replacing repeated runs of the increasingly turgid Star Trek franchise. Hopefully this will lead to commissioning editors green-lighting some more genre programming- as, let’s face it, how many more Police, Medical or serial killer and Robson Green spectaculars can the general public take!

There have been some wonderful stories, Dalek, The Empty Child/Doctor Dances, Girl in the Fireplace, Father's Day.

Production design; on the whole very good, make-up; almost movie standard, model effects; wonderful, CGI.... ahhh good in parts, direction... getting better, (thank goodness Keith Boak was shown the door). Acting- there have been some very dodgy performances, but on the whole good.

Music- over blown, lacking any subtlety, irritating, repetitive, intrusive- need I go on, I don't think Murray Gold could compose his way out of a paper bag.

Now I have to confess I'm a writer/director, so of course I'm going to pull this stuff apart and think I could have done it better, but that's not arrogance, that's how you stay sharp and learn how not to make similar mistakes yourself.

You also need to realise I got into this business in no small part, having been inspired by two 1980’s episodes directed by a certain Mr. G. Harper, that opened my eyes to just how visually inventive you could be within the confines of multi-camera TV. My writing- by the likes of Terry Nation, Eric Seward and Robert Holmes, who knew how craft a really good yarn, (and yes who turned out some damn lazy scripts in their time...)

But here's the thing- Mr. RTD’s generally lazy scripts are always defended vociferously on two counts.

1- we have to be thankful, because without him Doctor Who wouldn't be back....

There are a lot of other writers out there guys. If he'd not been interested I'm sure a lot of others would have jumped at the chance. Also the argument only holds water if the important things is Doctor Who being on TV. I like Doctor Who because it's a good format and when done well is up there with the best. I don't like Doctor Who- just because "it is" Doctor Who!

Reason 2- is sited in another review of this episode- Russell T's scripts must be good because he such a good writer... because it said so in the newspapers and he’s won awards and stuff and what do we humble Doctor Who fans know about writing for TV! Would these be the same newspapers that have slagged off Doctor Who with its wobbly sets and bad special effects all these years? Would these be the same fans on many an internet forum came up with far more inventive and plausible explainations for the Bad Wolf last year?

There is nothing amazingly remarkable about Love and Monsters. It does kind of work despite being far too silly in places. How the gag about Elton and Ursula's “Love Life"- like the "Living inside a bouncy castle" line in “New Earth”, got into the final program I have no idea. I'm all for double entendre, and I'm sure it went over most six year olds heads (the age group RTD usually writes for) but even so, it was just a very cheap and pointless gag- kind you expect in say a student film, not from a Bafta Winning script writer.

But then since when did BAFTA winner = quality?

Let's take an example from the world of the movies, which I think in a long roundabout way may demonstrate my feels on the series as a whole.

Akiva Goldsman, Oscar Winning screenwriter of "A Beautiful Mind". This is a writer who also has on his CV... “Batman Forever” (a few funny lines, but badly structured, badly plotted, badly paced), “Batman and Robin” (I'm not even going to comment on how much of a train wreck of a script this is) “Lost in Space” (again a few good lines, but badly structure, badly plotted, an horribly paced)

You get my drift.

Akiva Goldsman is always referred to as the “Oscar Winning screenwriter”- does it mean he's good all the time. Hell no! He's written more turkeys than most and still Ron Howard directs his scripts and some idiot puts up the money.

But here's the thing. He won an Oscar for a movie that just cried out- give me an Oscar. A movie not really about plot or narrative- a movie about characters. These movies always win awards because they’re about “issues” or “real people” and are therefore considered important. This is total BS of course. They’re using the same tricks as a horror, or action movie does to manipulate your emotions, but the media press is dumb enough to think they are more worthy of praise. These are the same kind of scripts RTD is always fêted for.

Sci-Fi, thrillers & action scripts are really very very tough to write. To do them well you have to include all the character and emotional content you place in a character drama, but never at the expense of the narrative. They instead support and give flavour, colour and depth to what could very easily be a comic book movie (comic book in tone, rather than content).

Sci-Fi, thrillers & action more than any other genre, except perhaps murder mysteries are all about plot.

The problem with RTD approach is that he doesn't care what the plot is- all of the monsters and threats are basically interchangeable and will be easily solved, probably using the sonic screwdriver, or Rose's equally magic mobile phone, in highly contrived fashion- in the last five minutes of the episode. As long as the monster looks cool on the front cover of the Radio Times, it’s served it’s purpose.

And that is why the cliffhangers suck- because they're simple there for that "emotional" moment. "Oh no how are they going to get out of this one!" But the way you get your heroes out of a cliffhanger is just as important! RTD primary concern however seems to be how the characters are affected by what's going on.

Okay we're in 2006 now we want a nicely rounded modern feel to the show- but Sci-Fi and thrillers don't work like soap operas. Their plots are driven by the bloke from the pub sleeping with the sister of his best friend's mum. Soap operas are all about people reacting to these things and having a good cry or smacking their brains out with an ash-tray.

Doctor Who works best when our heroes have to battle that alien wanting to take over the universe for no very good reason and they win by being smarter and more inventive, or making a sacrifice. Sure we can show how it affects them- when loved ones die or bad thing happen, but that shouldn't be the spine you hang your story on.

Their characters should be revealed through the narrative and through their actions. Not by stopping the plot, having them sit down with a cup of tea and chat about how much they miss their Mum!

Russell T (apparently) writes good characters because he has people talk about how terrible the world is- or rabbit on at length about how cool it is to travel in the Tardis.

The new format has just 45 minutes (90 if you're lucky to get a two parter)- stop the plot to natter about life the universe and everything, and you inevitably end up with a horribly rushed denouement.

That is why the sonic screwdriver is now a magic wand that can burn through ropes, make melted people into talking paving stones etc etc.

That is why a cool cliff-hanger of the Doctor being electrocuted is resolved in ten seconds flat at the start of the next episode by him simple pulling off his ID badge, because he's the Doctor and he's great and he's the hero and he can do stuff like this- end of story. Who cares if it makes logical sense? These bits are only there to take us the next emotional high!

AOL/WW3 wasn’t about aliens taking over London and how the Doctor was going to defeat them. It was all about the scene where the Doctor tells Rose he could save the world but lose her! Okay nice character moment- but it’s just that- a moment within a much larger narrative- at least it should be.

I really do want to see how bad things screw our heroes up. I want to see them happy and sad and really affected by the horrors they fight, but I also want them to have good reasons to be happy and sad. I want them to have to work to be heroes, not get it by default. They shouldn’t win just because their names are first up in the credits. That is bad writing!

"London Investigation 'n' Detective Agency - LINDA for short"

See, I do still post reviews.

See, I've figured out why I can't seem to drive myself to write reviews these days. It's because I find it difficult to review something I like. Whether it's because dozens of other people have done it a million times better then I could ever hope to, or that I can't think of how to put the sheer fantasticality of an episode into words, whatever. The point is that when the episode is good, I can't seem to bring myself to review it.

But when it's bad...

It's a shame that that's the way I work, really. Because this episode had so much going for it. It was, or indeed is, very well directed, and it has a great cast. It also has none of that irritating Doctor/Rose smugness that's really been coming across lately, and the idea behind the whole thing - it's the outsider's tale - is great. And all these things come together and create, for the first 32 minutes, anyway, a cracker of an episode.

Then we see the Abzorbaloff. And it all goes wrong. Well, not so much wrong as silly. First of all, it's physically impossible to take Peter Kay seriously. I could certainly accept him as Victor Kennedy, that wasn't a problem at all. Good Doctor Who villains should always be a little comical, otherwise you risk ending up a complete joke. The problem was, you were supposed to be a little scared of this creature that could absorb people into itself. It's very tricky to pull off being a scary man in a rubber costume, and I know the team had to go with the design of an 8/9 year old, but it's amazing how they've managed to fail completely. I'm glad the kid was happy with how his monster turned out, 'cause most of the viewers weren't.

Secondly, Ursula. She wasn't the geatest character, but she was okay before she got absorbed. Afterwards, she just got on my wick. Here's why, in 5 easy steps:
1) "I'm so sorry you can't touch me..." The first of many cliched lines.
2) She's still got her glasses on, even when absorbed. Eh?!
3) Nice idea of getting the Abzorbaloff to drop his cane. Shame she had to tell the others in that Lord-of-the-Rings style speach.
4) "Bye bye Elton. Bye bye." I literally laughed when I heard that. It's just so pathetic!
5) She's a freakin' paving slab. I can't imagine this relationship lasting past the first fight. He throws her out the window, she smashes, one single guy. And don't get me started on their love life. RTD should never have put that line in and he knows it.

And then there's the Doctor and Rose. I really do hope David Tennant pulls his finger out next series. The scenes where he's with Ida in The Satan Pit two-parter are some of the best scenes he's done. Contrast those with some of the ones he's had with Rose and there's such a difference. I neither know, nor care, if it's down to the writing, the actors or both, but it's just getting old and I've about had enough.

It may sound like I really hated this episode, but I didn't. Just the last third. The first bit was excellent. Can't wait to see Jackie again in the last pair of episodes, she was great in this, and I am certainly looking forward to seeing how Rose leaves the show. Just... don't do too much comedy, eh Russell? It's REALLY not your strong point.

Shine A Little Love

I loved Love & Monsters. Not just liked it, I loved it.

I have been a Doctor Who fan for a long, long time, but even I was surprised by the amount of bile, vitriol and venom that was being spouted about this episode on certain forums and how RTD should be shot/hung/drawn/quartered/chopped into little bits for giving us an episode as bad as this one. I mean, this is Doctor Who, not some crappy old American TV show where this sort of thing is acceptable but not on our show. You know, that sort of stuff.

A friend of a friend said that they felt embarrassed to be a Doctor Who fan watching this episode, but I felt embarrassed to be a fan after reading all the bile on the forums. I have only felt this way once before and that when there was lots of unprovoked attacks on Christopher Eccleston when it was leaked that he wasn’t doing a second series. Some of the comments of RTD’s abilities as writer were pretty much the same as what Eccleston was called. I mean the guy is a BAFTA award-winning writer for Christ sakes! What do the majority of fans know about writing an award-winning and popular TV series? Not much I can tell you.

I did begin to wonder what it was that made so many people be so upset and shocked by this episode and for a while I just couldn’t work it out but now, I might have a better idea of why so many fans hate this episode. Perhaps it is because the episode is basically about Doctor Who fans and perhaps they do not like the way they have been portrayed? Now that wouldn’t really make sense as Marc Warren’s character was portrayed really well and not half as geeky as he could have been and I would have thought that he would be the sort of person that they would like to be seen to be like. After all he even gets the girl in the end, well sort of.

I must admit that “the inner sanctum” is not like any Doctor Who group that I have ever been a member of. I mean there are more women than men and that is not the usual make up of a Doctor Who fan group. It was nice that in the end, even though they had all come together for pretty much the same reasons (as do most of the people in fan groups), that they were no longer going to the group just to talk about the Doctor, they were going because they liked to hang out together and it was more about friendship than anything else. Perhaps the fact that they no longer really cared about the Doctor anymore is what put some fans off the episode. I mean what sort of fan would let real life get in the way of talking about the Doctor?

I will admit that this was not a typical episode of Doctor Who but since when has that been a bad thing? Since when has that got people in such a state that they can’t bring themselves to ever watch said episode again? People watch Time and The Rani and Paradise Towers again and they are shit. Love & Monsters is like Citizen Kane compared to those stories. How anyone can say that this is the worst episode ever made under the banner of Doctor Who is beyond me. I mean have they not seen season 24? That season is total and utter shite. Only Delta and the Bannermen is worth watching again from that season, and that’s saying something.

There was so much to enjoy about this episode: the acting, the direction, the ELO enhanced soundtrack (the less said about Il Divo the better) and even the Absorbaloff.

Firstly the acting was superb. We had Marc Warren excelling as Elton Pope the everyman character, the always-excellent Shirley Henderson as Ursula Blake the kind of nice girl all fans would like to meet, and, of course, Peter Kay as Victor Kennedy/The Absorbaloff.

I thought Peter Kay was excellent as both Victor and The Absorbaloff (the ex-zee-ma line was cracking and was apparently added by Kay himself). He is a far better actor than a lot of people give him credit for. Just watch Pheonix Nights and Max and Paddy to realise that he is not just a comedian he is a comic actor and a very good one at that. I just loved the fact that he played the alien with a really strong Bolton accent (would it have been more acceptable if he had a Home Counties accent?). I mean, after all, if we can have a Time Lord with a Salford accent then why the hell can’t we have an alien with a Bolton accent? Perhaps all the inhabitants of Krom speak with a similar accent and perhaps next year we will see Patrick McGuiness and Dave Spikey playing more creatures from Krom.

Camille Coduri really came into her own in this episode and gave her best performance to date as Jackie. You genuinely felt for her when she thought that Elton was just being nice to her to get to the Doctor, even though he wasn’t by that time, and how she feels about being the one left behind. It was also nice that she remembered Mickey unlike Rose who seems to have totally forgotten him. And boy did she look good. If I were in Elton’s situation I would

The direction by Dan Zeff (what a name – it really does sound made up doesn’t it) was also very good (even the video diary extracts worked in context and they really looked like they had been filmed by amateur cameraman – the mark of a good director) and notice how the scenes from Rose were far better directed in this episode than they were originally. Before this I had not heard of Mr Zeff but I hope he returns to the series soon.

I even enjoyed the Benny Hill-like chase scene. I laughed out loud when I first saw this on Totally Doctor Who and knew that the more conservative fans, whom must have had a sense of humour bypass, would absolutely hate it. Sure, it was silly but it worked in the context of the story.

The music in the episode was great with the excellent Mr Blue Sky, Don’t Bring Me Down and Turn To Stone by the great ELO. This series really deserves a soundtrack release and this episode could have one all on its own.

I thought the Absorbaloff was a brilliant idea (and superbly realised) especially when you consider that it was thought up by a 9 year old. I mean a creature that absorbs life forms just by touching them! It’s such a Doctor Who type of idea that it is quite surprising that no one ever thought of it before. I suspect sour grapes from the hundreds of fans who would have killed to create a monster in Doctor Who, to have their name in the credits, and be immortalised forever in Doctor Who reference books written by Andrew Pixley. It amused me when in Doctor Who Confidential someone said that quite a lot of them looked like 45-year old graphic designers had done them.

Perhaps the joke about having a love life with a paving slab was a bit too much for a family show, but I laughed. Well, I am a bloke.

At the end of the day, despite what a few hundred fans think, the episode was watched by upwards of 7 million people which means it can’t have been as bad as they made it out to be. For instance, it has only been fans that I have spoken to who have hated the episode. Every one else seemed to really enjoy it. Indeed my five-year old niece who had never seen Doctor Who before sat in rapt attention throughout the entire episode. Isn’t that the sort of thing that we should be celebrating?

So what if it wasn’t typical Doctor Who? It was great television and it was highly enjoyable, moving, brave, and very funny. I’m not saying all episodes should be like Love & Monsters, just that it doesn’t really matter if one is.

Lovely Initially. Nonsense Dénouement. Again.

I was talking to my Dad about this episode before I’d had chance to watch it and he told me that it was the ‘oddest episode of Doctor Who’ he’d ever seen. Having now seen it, I can quite understand what he meant.

It started a bit worryingly. The Lord of the Rings reject doing a Benny Hill chase with the Doctor, Rose and a red bucket (not blue!) in and out of a few doorways. But then it opened out to Elton telling the story. And crucially, that made all the difference, because we saw this action from his point of view and I can fully believe that he’d remember it that way.

I really liked the first thirty minutes or so of this episode. It was a brave attempt at doing something different. I loved the video blog narration with Elton talking straight to camera and telling us of his encounters with the good Doctor. I even thought that the cut scenes of ELO fueled dance numbers worked well in that context. It helped flesh out Elton’s character and give us more of an insight into why he did what he did.

It was also a fascinating attempt at a Doctor Who episode in which the Doctor hardly appeared at all. To have him on the sidelines, just being an observer and not even defeating the bad guy in the end was a really interesting experiment. I’m not saying they should do it every week or anything, but as a one off I think that it worked well. It reminded me of the Babylon 5 episode "A view from the Gallery" where we saw the action played out from the perspective of two maintenance workers. Except that I really liked that entire episode.

And of course there was the added benefit that the Doctor and Rose weren’t at all irritating in this episode. Almost no shouting or smug laughing in the face of danger. So that made a nice change.

Actually, now that it’s confirmed that Rose will be off shortly I think that Elton should  sign on as the new companion. I really liked that guy, he had the awe and innocence of a new traveller. He was charming in an endearing clumsy way and ultimately did the right thing, both by Jackie and in standing up to Victor Kennedy. I really would like to see more of this man. Get him onboard the TARDIS! The campaign starts here!

The LINDA team was an interesting idea. A group of lonely people coming together initially to talk about mild conspiracy theories but really just becoming a meeting group for the socially deprived. Except Bridget who came down to London every weekend to look for her daughter and yet ended up doing backing vocals and cooking.

And then came Victor Kennedy. Now I wasn’t looking forward to Peter Kay making an appearance this week. I suppose I have too many bad memories of Hale and Pace, Ken Dodd and even John Cleese to make me look forward to an entertainer being cast in a sci-fi program. I let Simon Pegg off because of his obvious love of the genre and the fact that he’s an actor and can therefore, you know, act. Still, Peter Kay wasn’t too bad to begin with. He was slightly mysterious and secretly knowledgeable, so on form for your standard Who villain really. And how did he get hold of the Torchwood files? If he’s that good at infiltration and subterfuge, I really don’t think that he needed a second rate tribute band to help him. I know that we’re still having Torchwood shovelled on a bit thick, but it was nice to see a little continuity running from last season with the mention of a Bad Wolf virus linking up with the coming spin off. I thought that was a nice little touch.

I thought that it was interesting to see how Jackie was coping with ordinary life when she isn’t facing the certain death that a home visit from Rose brings. Although, I did think that her seduction technique left a little to be desired. Generally chucking (possibly French) red wine over somebody doesn’t lead to rumpy pumpy. Not, of course, that I’d know. I drink white.

And then there was another threat to Rose and her mum, albeit in the form of musing on behalf of our new hero. Something along the lines of "How much longer can it be before they suffer the consequences of knowing the Doctor." Things aren’t looking good for the Tyler family. I wish I could be more upset, but they’ll probably deserve it.

This is a first for me - 700 odd words and barely a bad one in there. That’s because there wasn’t anything bad to say about it for a long time. I can’t give you the exact time reference that things went badly, but I can describe what was happening on screen.

Elton and Ursula had just returned to collect her ‘phone and Victor Kennedy was sitting behind his newspaper, hiding the fact that he was in ridiculous make up.

I would say that things spiralled downwards after this, but that’s just too gentle a motion to describe the unstoppable plummet that followed. The Roman Empire collapsed with better grace than this story.

So what went wrong? Where to start.

Let’s start with the monster himself. Okay I know some child with a Blue Peter badge designed it, but come on! There must have been a moment, at the beginning, where we could have said - no. How did he change his appearance? Why did he get more northern when he was doing the shaved Guinea Pig impression? Why did he not change back when he heard people coming? How come the heads that were sticking out of his body didn’t talk when he was in his slightly more human disguise? Why or indeed how were Ursula’s glasses absorbed? How the hell can you absorb the life essence of a pair of specs? Why did we have to have yet another fart/backside gag? They’re not funny!

How? Why? There was nothing redeemable about that lump of latex at all. In any way, shape or form. No, no no!

And then there was that chase down the street. Why were the streets deserted? How come nobody else noticed a naked, fat, clawed, genitally challenged, Mohawk wearing,  absorbed head sporting and generally unconvincing blob jog down the street slowly so as not to catch his prey? All that was missing was a large breasted, scantily clad blonde and it would have been a dead ringer for a Benny Hill sketch. Again. Twice in one episode is pushing it a bit.

And my old favourite the Sonic Screwdriver. Yet another fascinating new use for the humble tool. This week the good Doctor was able to reactualise (?) the last victim of Mr Blobby by zapping the pavement. Again, this made no sense. Why would it not reclaim the creature himself rather than his latest meal? Assumedly Ursula was still all in there somewhere, but the Doctor was still able to resurrect her head and glasses. Using a screwdriver, even if it is a posh one.

And then there’s the fact that her head is alive and stuck in a paving slab. We are asked to believe that this man has some kind of love life with a head in a paving slab. I  find that very difficult to swallow.

I was so disappointed at the end of it all. Such a promising, brave, different build up and than that. It was totally and utterly rubbish beyond the realms of rubbish-ness. That’s got to up there with the worst moments of Doctor Who, ever.

I’ve decided to make a quick checklist of what no to do if one is faced with writing/producing/being involved in Dr Who. Never, ever do this sort of thing again.

1. Don’t let Russell T Davies write it. Ask for his creative input, then shoo him out the door.

2. Don’t ask children to design the monster. If you do that, then you’re going to get crap monsters.

3. Don’t have any more jokes about bodily functions. Ever. They aren’t funny.

4. Stop using the Sonic Screwdriver as some kind of universal cure-all. It’s not a magic wand. It’s a screwdriver.

5. Do not cast vaguely famous, pop culture people simply because they happen to be inflicting their 15 minutes on us at an appropriate time. Cast actors, it’s what they’re trained for. It’s all they’re trained for but at least it’s a purpose of sorts.

6. Do not, and this is so very important, put even one homage to crap sexist seventies ‘comedians’ into the programme. They weren’t funny then and age has not improved them. What’s next? A Bernard Manning beast? At least that would save on the fat suit and prosthetics.

7. Finally and most importantly. If you do screen this episode again (and that must be a big if) just stop it when Ursula goes back for her ‘phone. Tell people that there’s been a technical fault and play musak for 20 minutes. Trust me, it will be a much better episode that way.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

No, No, No! That’s not the way to do it. Bad BBC. Must try harder.

Much, much harder.

That Peter Kay Thing

Right then, here we go!  Rusty Davies script - check!  Rubbish alien - check!  Retro soundtrack - check!  Not-so-subtle political/social agenda - uummm!  Explosions and shoot-em-up-shit wrap - ...hang on, there's something missing here, something wrong!  No, that's not true...there's something very right here!  Something very, very right!

This was bold, this was brave, this was bizarre.  Put together, this was brilliant!  Rusty has surpassed himself here by taking a risk by departing, albeit for one week only, from the safety of the usual Doctor Who fare of Doctor and Rose arrive at time and place where trouble is flaring, become intertwined with strife before winning the day against the odds with a minute to spare.  Okay, to some degree no change there then, but this was in the main not about them; for the vast majority of Saturday's episode I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was actually watching an episode of Doctor Who.  This was some bloke's video diary which amongst other interests just happened to include the Doctor as a subject of interest.

I say it was a brave because this episode may have confused younger viewers (hence, I think, the presence of the Abzorbalof so as for them to 'get it'), not to mention some of the traditionalist mafiosi who just wouldn't have 'got it'.

But to the Satan Pit with them.  This was cleverly scripted, superbly directed television (I wouldn't call it drama as I don't feel it was); the use of flashbacks was stunningly effective, particularly the brief one of the screaming Ursula being monster munched.  Peter Kay's getting the gig was well documented and, as ever, he rose to the occasion - his dismissive 'avante' was straight out of the John Smith's snooker table ad, at which bizarre point I wondered whether I was watching another channel, let alone another programme.

But the real star turns were the fans, namely Elton (no, not that one!) and his delectable dainty dish Ursula.  It really was all about them.  Indeed, how even better might it have been if the tall shouty man and his annoying significant other hadn't put in an appearance at all this week.  Even less would have had even more of an effect and this group of supposed social misfits' search would have gone on, with perhaps the promise of some update progress report video diary in the (hopefully) near future.  Imagine a scenario where the Doctor is unaware of a small group of people who know all about his existence and the potential for storylines...sigh!

After previously 'appearing' in some truly crap episodes (Rose, Aliens Of London, The Christmas Invasion) Elton sure chose a great one this time, proving that Doctor Who needn't be all about the usual routine week-in week-out.  Davies, to give him his dues, does come up with the odd corker amidst the crap.  The End Of The World and The Long Game were both refreshing and imaginative breaks from Series One's obsession with the Anglo-Welsh capitals, whilst Bad Wolf was my highlight episode of the Eccleston era; Saturday's was another perfect example of the latent scriptwriting talent that exists within Doctor Who's head honcho.

When all is done and Neil casts his twenty questions after the thirteen weeks, this marvellous episode will be far more memorable than the two two-parters to date, not to mention other efforts.  I don't doubt that Rusty's old tried and trusted Doctor Who check list will resurface some time soon, but this fans-eye-view in a watching me watching you watching them sense will long linger in the memory bank; a new dimension for New Who.  And wasn't it a treat!

P.S.  Having once met the Abzorballof, and being since told that I tend to let people walk all over me sometimes, I fully empathise with poor Ursula and her demise.

Sadly, my Sky+ didn't fail to record this episode...

Why wasn't Doctor Who on last night? I set the Sky+ and went out for a meeting, got back and... nothing. There was just this rather odd spoof on that, in a completely different context - say, with French and Saunders and the smell of hot mince pies - would have been very funny and enjoyable.
But as it was, I missed the point of it.
Set me straight: it was just the monster and not the script that the Blue Peter boy contributed, wasn't it?

I've been in several minds about this series. I hated New Earth, was torn about Tooth and Claw, loved 90% of GITF, adored Idiot's Lantern, thought the Cybermen 2-parter was wasted and yet great at the same time, believed Impossible Planet to be the series I hoped DW would be in the 21st century... and then this. Perhaps the worst 45 minutes of television I've seen in my entire life.

Okay, I get the reasons others loved it, and I respect them. I too winced at the painful recognition of some of the aspects of DW local group-based fandom. And, coincidentally, I was recording ELO Live at Wembley on BBC4 while watching this episode as I too was a bit of a fan of them back in the day.

But it was just silly. Not even cleverly silly. Red bucket/blue bucket bullcrap (that alien was good though! Shame it was wasted, really - why couldn't that have been the villain instead?), Rose and the Doctor acting like big kids again (I liked Rose last year, this year I'm afraid I just want to give her a slap, and the Doctor - at times so great and at others, an advert for Ritalin).
There were some funny bits: the ease with which Rose's mum was tracked down made me laugh, and the subsequent seduction, and even though the naming of the Absorbaloff was funny, it belonged in a Christmas knees-up or DWAS convention. The whole episode would've made a great DVD easter egg - the more difficult to find, the better.

(I admit, however, that watching the 9-year old winner on Confidential I can imagine he and his friends might have found a lot of this episode very funny, but then I found Twin Dilemma funny at the time)

The end was a disaster. It's a bit like The Return of the King where you think it's finished and then you get another four endings tacked on, taking another 40 minutes up. The Benny Hill chase was pants (the Absorbaloff seemed to be able to run very fast but still couldn't catch up), the arrival of the TARDIS ('someone wants a word with you') bizarre, and more than anything else, the idea that the Doctor can magic up the last victim into such a miserable existence as that flies against everything we know about him. Apart from the technicalities of the police looking for three missing people and, at some point, searching Elton's home and finding that, the lack of brains, nutrition, heart and so on is all a bit... well, I'll say 'silly' again. And the oral sex allusion left a nasty taste in my mouth...*

(If you caught Confidential afterwards, you'll have no doubt split your sides Absorbaloff-like when RTD said 'you mustn't be too silly in Science Fiction').

No, it was all a bit too odd for my liking. Nice idea, could've been realised intelligently with a bit more effort. But I watched it alone and I was still embarrassed. I don't think my mouth closed from the opening and I sat still for several minutes afterwards not sure quite what had happened. If I ever see that episode again it will be a lifetime too soon. If I had pitched that plot to RTD he'd have thrown it in the bin.

If this was RTD having a laugh at fandom, it was self-indulgent at best. Oh yes, you might point out, but the fact I'm writing this proves his point, doesn't it? No. It doesn't. Those people here who enjoyed it share one thing in common: they get the in-jokes, and that's fine. I did too, and I laughed. Take those away and you're left with a waste of money and airtime.

The trailer for next week (great title, shame it seems to be about the Mr Men coming to life) doesn't bode well. I'm afraid I can't wait for this series to be over (I'm praying the last two episodes make up for this week's shit) and hope that someone pulls RTD and Ms Gardner in to an office for 'a little chat' quite soon.

*b-dum tish

The BBOMUF has this to say about 'Love & Monsters': At the preview, the head of BBC1 leant across to RTD and said 'you do realise this actually gets shown on national TV, don't you?'

Absorbing the ratings

I'll keep this brief (again) ...

6.2m - 38.3% share

Highest rated show for day, second highest share.  Only beaten by football.  Full stats here.

Not a review... more of an apology

I can’t review Love and Monsters for two reasons:

1) I wouldn’t rewatch that load of bollocks if I was bound, gagged and bribed then threatened with torture by Timelash.

2) It wasn't Doctor Who and this is a DW blog. I know that’s the point, but it doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t the programme I have grown to love; there is no era it fits into, and no category. I expected a miserable 45 minutes of cack and was disappointed. Even my worst fears realised would have been pleasant relief in comparison.

Thus, I can’t write a review, only say that it was the biggest piece of bullshit on display since the Cumbrian cattle farmers' cow-pat museum announced its prize exhibit. Alternately a fan-wank and a ritual fan-beasting by RTD. I’m a soppy girl and I’ve cried many times watching Doctor Who, but never before have I cried – and cried a lot - in shame.

Edited to say: Well that sounds a bit much, doesn't it? Despite my protestations I did in fact watch it again: twice with a commentary (by TTV and the BBC) and then having been swayed by some persuasive bloggers. Thanks to their coaxing and reason I began to see the good among the juvenile and appreciate Love & Monsters for the intelligent, sophisticated and emotional work it is.

Fact is, I should never have written a “review” at midnight after watching the episode once, and then fragmentarily. I often take irrational views without reconsideration and it’s when I foolishly voice these that I end up embarrassed. It was a deeply hypocritical thing to write and I’m surprised more people didn’t justifiably rip me to proverbial shreds. I always take the position that is somebody can justify criticism and argue with moderation and balance it doesn’t matter if they’re wrong, but that irrational and immature lambasting should be derided. Then I write the above. Oh dear.

“There is no era it fits into, and no category...” – Paul, you’re perfectly right: that’s a daft statement if ever there was one and the main strength of the episode is that it’s so unconventional; it toys with expectations and surprises and delights. This is experimental Doctor Who at its best. The characters are real people, the direction is spot-on and it has the best sound-track of any programme bar Life on Mars. The only downside to that is that I can’t hear Queen now without thinking of a young Paul Hayes.

In trying to understand my own initial reaction I’ve come to think that Blue Peter are really at fault. The Absorballof is... well, terrible. Yes, a 13 year old designed it but Elton’s story is such a superb one it comes as an anti-climax when he’s chased by a rubber-suited, stunt-cast comedian with visible pubic hair. That this eventually leads the paving slab adds another blot to a highlight of the season.

In short, I’m sorry for adding my ill-considered rants to the online conflagration but for whatever reason it didn’t speak to me first time. I too would like to know what a “ritual fan-beasting” is but at least it taught me to think before I write, or at least press POST.

My name is Elton Pope, and I am a Doctor Who fan

BADWAS, ours was called. Brighton Area Doctor Who Appreciation Society. Not, I admit, as snappy as LINDA, but also not as feminine so I think on the whole I probably prefer ours, even if it does lack originality. You can’t blame me for that though – they started up in 1983, before I was even born. They’re still going, down there in Sussex, although since I moved away I obviously don’t get to the meetings as much any more.

No women in our group. Well, aside from the occasional mother or girlfriend reluctantly hanging around the home of whoever happened to be hosting it that month, or perhaps dragged along to the annual summer barbecue. Yes, we did barbecues. And Christmas parties. Even hosted a couple of mini-conventions, one with Mary Tamm and one with Elisabeth Sladen. Nice ladies. Neither of them flashed their knickers at us.

What I perhaps never realised until last night was quite how archetypal the whole Doctor Who local fan group thing is / was. Yes, we even had a member who travelled a ridiculously long distance – from Northampton, I think – down to the south coast to see us each month. Phil Collinson was, I believe, a member of a local group in Leeds, and I wouldn’t put it past Russell T Davies himself to have been a member of some Swansea local group in his youth, given how accurately and affectionately the whole thing was sent up in Love & Monsters.

Which is I think why I enjoyed the episode so much – because it was an affectionate look at a type of people and a type of group I have fond memories of myself, written by somebody who you know really understands fandom. I have no idea how new fandom will have taken to it – now that you don’t ever have to leave your house to have an active social life engaging with other fans via the interweb, does the idea of a local fan group have any meaning or appeal for them? I don’t know. But for us old-timers, there was surely a feeing that this was written for, and a little celebration of, us and our world.

Obviously most of us who identified with the episode would have seen ourselves in the Elton Pope role, played excellently by Marc Warren. Yes, he’s a much better-looking and rather romanticised version of your average Doctor Who fan, but I certainly saw a degree of myself in him and surely I can’t have been alone in this? Even the musical obsession with a certain band was spot-on, although in my case it was Queen I was heavily into as a teenager and used to dance around my bedroom listening to.

But it’s more than that, though. The central tragedy of Elton’s life is that he had this image of the Doctor seared into his memory from one night so many years ago, one moment he is desperate to get back to and have explained. That’s why he’s so desperate to see the Doctor again, and becomes so nostalgic when he hears the sound of the TARDIS engines. It’s a metaphor for the tragedy of the fan existence – in some ways, we keep watching this show purely because we want to get back and recapture that first moment of magic, when we were four or five or however old and this mysterious, scary old show grabbed us and terrified us and drew us in and burned those formative memories into our own minds. So we keep watching, keep searching for the Doctor and for all those years hoped he’d come back because we thought it would take us back to how we were and how we felt then, that perfect time in our memories.

But, as has been well-documented through the ages, you can never go back. As The Idiot’s Lantern pointed out, that’s the tragedy of the human condition, and it’s what makes Elton such a sad and lonely figure, even if he does finally end up with a happy ending of sorts.

So as an excuse to hang this treatise of fandom and the fan condition upon – which really in the end is just another facet of the overall human condition – the episode didn’t really need much of a plot as an excuse to go through it all. It still had one though, and a rather nice little one with a great villain – say what you like about stunt casting and what have you, but I thought Peter Kay was excellent, probably more so as the Abzorbaloff than as his human alter-ego, Victor Kennedy.

The Abzorbaloff itself is a frightening concept, and you can see why it was picked as the winner of the Blue Peter design-a-monster competition. The idea of being dragged into and absorbed by this creature, still being alive and slowly digested as your face sticks out of its foul body, is a genuinely creepy and disturbing one, and I can easily imagine that it gave some of the younger members of the audience some sleepless nights.

The most upsetting part of the whole Abzorbaloff business was seeing poor old Ursula sucked inside. Shirley Henderson closely matched Peter Kay and Marc Warren in the ‘best guest star of the episode’ stakes, and doubtless instantly became the image of the Doctor Who fan’s ideal fantasy girlfriend, if you’re into that sort of thing. Before she became a paving slab, of course. This was one aspect of the episode that I didn’t quite take to – I thought the fact that the Doctor was able to resurrect her with his ‘magic wand’ as Elton put it rather cheated the whole drama and tragedy of the piece, and even though she seemed quite happy with her lot I’m not really sure an eternity of being a head on a paving slab is anything much to look forward to.

I know some people’s blood would probably have boiled if told that there was an episode of Doctor Who coming in which the most prominent of the regular or semi-regular characters would be not the Doctor, or Rose, nor even Mickey, but the Powell Estate’s own Jackie Tyler. I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Jackie myself by any means, but I don’t dislike her as much as some and she was pretty good here when given a rare chance to step into centre stage. It was interesting to see a little of what goes on in her life when she’s not with the Doctor and Rose or being caught up in the midst of the latest alien invasion, and her rather sad and pathetic little flirtation with Elton, added to some steel when she found out what he was actually up to, was a nice opportunity to highlight the depth her character isn’t often allowed to show. Given that it was announced this week that Rose is leaving at the end of the season, we could well not see Jackie again beyond series two either, so I was glad she got a chance to step into the limelight and shine before we possibly say goodbye. Strange that after only two years a whole era of the show that began back in March 2005 appears to be coming to an end.

Doctor Who, however, will never come to an end in all of its many and varied forms, no matter what happens to the television series itself. It survives because it has people like Elton, people like Russell T Davies and people like us keeping it alive and loved, and we love it not simply for the memories it gives us but for the life and the friends it introduces us to that we might not otherwise have had. We’ve had celebrations of all kinds of aspects of Doctor Who, old and new, in the new series to date, so it was rather charming and touching that we got an episode that was basically a celebration of fandom.

As I think I’ve said before about other episodes that went in other directions – which perhaps goes to show how wonderfully varied this series has been – you wouldn’t want Doctor Who to be like this every week. But as a one-off I thought it more than earned its place in the run, and justified its existence, as if it ever needed to. Long live the ‘infinitely variable format’ we so love and also apparently despise. Long live us!