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Flangetastic Day

Inferno Episode 7

I first saw this episode on the Pertwee Years VHS compilation back in 1991. I wasn't overly impressed: it came across as a pedestrian mad scientist romp with an anticlimactic denouement. But of course it's anticlimactic, how could they possibly top last week's stab at perfection? In short, this is the 'love conquerors all' cut of Inferno. This time we get the happy ending.

Greg is convinced there will be a blow and so he offers to take Petra to a Berni Inn, where he's just hoping there'll be one. It looks like these two can't keep their grubby little paws off each other, no matter what the political climate happens to be at the time. This is the main reason why I can just about cope with the positive afterglow of episode 7 after wallowing in nihilistic despair for the last three hours: the thought of Greg and Petra getting hitched just makes me want to smile. I can imagine them going on shopping expeditions to Biba, followed by romantic evenings down the Swiss, blissfully unaware that their alter-egos where burnt to a crisp in mid-fumble. I bet there's a Missing Adventure written in the 90s where they get a messy and unnecessary divorce before dying from the clap.

This is the 'love conquerors all' cut of Inferno...

The Doctor finally awakens from an extremely convenient expositional coma and delivers a wonderful monologue when he agonises over the "terrible, terrible things" happening to the planet he's just scarpered from. I'm not Jon Pertwee's biggest fan by a long chalk but even I have to doff my hat to the man - it's one of the most emotionally charged and touching moments I've seen in any era of the programme. Just beautiful.

And you can break out the champagne: Sir Keith ain't dead! I know, the Doctor can't quite believe it either; it appears that even fatal car accidents are more benign in this universe. Sir Keith's inexplicable existence also proves to the Doctor that instead of wallowing in self-pity and wondering how he'll spend his last few moments on earth with a huge nose, he can actually get off his arse and do something about it! Cue sirens and countdowns, lots of running around, pernicious use of flanges, more shambolic werewolves, and a strangely empty moment where Armageddon is narrowly averted. Just in time for tea and biscuits.

Even fatal car accidents are more benign in this universe.

There is one memorable moment, though. The haunting scene where Stahlman starts smearing green slime all over his face whilst squawking like a demented Stephen Hawking is delightfully disturbing. However, I can't help believing that If Inferno had been a tight 6-parter with zombies instead of werewolves it could have been the perfect story.

Poor Elizabeth Shaw. After enjoying a great subplot back in the deadly dimension of doom, here she's just a perfunctory cipher.  Caroline John gives a decent enough performance as the feisty scientist throughout season 7 but it's difficult to shed any tears when she leaves. Fortunately, whether by accident or design I can't remember, the Doctor does at least get to say goodbye to her ("I shall miss you, my dear"). Poor Liz didn't even manage a trip in the TARDIS, although I like to believe that the Doctor popped back for her now and then. Probably in a Missing Adventure, just before she catches the clap.

I started this series of reviews with a declaration of love for Inferno. And for the first time in a very long time blogging hasn't tempered my affections. Sure, she's a little plump and occasionally rough around the edges - and I could certainly do without her hairy palms - but she's still got it, deep down where it counts. She's still got heart and soul.

Disco Inferno

Inferno Episode Seven

We finally reach the end of the epic that is Inferno, but does it go out with a bang or a whisper? It has an awful lot to live up too after the apocalyptic end of the previous episode.

It was a shame that we had to leave the alternative universe to its impending doom as a lot of the characters were far more interesting than their counterparts in our universe (even Sir Keith Gold).

Plotwise this episode is basically a re-run of the last two episodes with a lot less running around and shouting but with a happier ending than they got in the last episode. It almost didn't end up that way though as the Doctor was unconcsious for much of the episode after returning to our universe and after correctly predicting a blow out in one of the output pipes while he was unconscious, Liz and Gregg persuaded Petra to help them reverse the drill and stop the drilling.

Then the rest of the episode was taken up with some nice character moments (i.e padding) where character said their goodbyes and the project was decommissioned. We also said goodbye to Liz Shaw in this episode and I can't but feel sad that she didn't get the proper leaving scene afforded to the majority of Doctor Who companions, rather we see her laughing inanely as the Doctor takes a short trip in the TARDIS as far as the rubbish tip.

Inferno is the best of the third Doctor's first series adventures and even after having watched it numerous times it never fails to engage me despite its seven episode length (which is normally make me run a mile) which is more than can be said for the majority of the other six and seven part Pertwee stories!

Its the end of the word as we know it

Inferno Episode Six

I am sure that the plots of this episode and the previous episode could have been told in a single episode, rather than the two it took them to do it in this story. It was still entertaining to watch and quite tense as the clock ticked down to Armageddon.

Gregg Sutton had the best lines in this episode most involved with putting the Brigade Leader down and in his place as the Brigade Leader loses the plot and starts getting very jumpy indeed. Section Leader Elizabeth Shaw is quite calm considering that she knows she will die very soon and Petra is pretty much resigned to her fate and stands up to the Brigade Leader herself.

This is probably one of the most downbeat episodes of Doctor Who ever but it also one of the very best. You are drawn into the fact that this really is the end for the majority of them (a lot of them actually deserve what they are about to get mentioning no names Brigade Leader Lethbridge Stewart but you do feel for poor Petra and Gregg who you just know want to jump each others bones as soon as possible), and you aren’t even sure that the Doctor will make it out alive.

It certainly makes for stirring viewing and the best episode of this story, as if the Doctor does make it out alive he doesn’t have much time before the same fate could befall his own universe.

Will he make it out alive?

Will he save the earth from boiling up?

Will Gregg and Petra just hurry up and get a room?

The Unforgettable Fire

I’ve heard of deja-vu, but this is…oh, forget it!

Inferno Part 7

So, did Camfield direct this one or was it Barry Letts? Either way that’s a rather stylish arc that the camera takes over the Doctor’s prone form as he lies comatose following his escape from the f*cked dimension.

Yes, we’re in the final furlong of ‘Inferno’s marathon run; and with Stahlmann still patronising more people than it seems humanly possible and lots of people with clipboards having seemingly nothing to do, it’s a case of same old, same old as ‘our’ world nears penetration zero and the events of the past five episodes get rehashed in double quick time but with a happy denouement.

On which point, where the bloody hell have Health & Safety been for the past three hours regardless of which dimension we’ve been in? Where I work you’ve only got to get a paper cut for the local rep to jump on you with six forms each to be written in triplicate; here it seems that the very forces of creation have to be spilling all over the place before anyone even raises a mildly concerned eyebrow. I wonder what the fallout was to the events of this story, seeing as a nuclear power station very nearly wiped the whole of humanity out in one fell swoop. Though knowing the Doctor Who universe’s propensity for wilful ignorance it probably only got an ‘And finally…’ mention on that night’s ITN broadcast following some light-hearted story about a skate-boarding duck…

where the bloody hell have Health & Safety been for the past three hours?

Still, at least everyone seems to be agreed on the fact that on a nuttiness level Professor Stahlmann is now registering ‘squirrel shit’. With his Michael Jackson gloves and the Radiophonic Workshop regularly playing gigs in his addled brain, the Professor’s ongoing desire for Penetration Zero is pissing off even the loyal Petra Williams by now. And when she takes the drastic action of siding with the walking cravat and shutting down the operation, Stahlmann’s response is to lock himself away with a pile of green goo, smearing it all over his face like some post-coital chimp that’s just discovered the joys of faecal make-up.

Meanwhile, back in the TARDIS/hut, we’re getting a sledgehammer reminder of the Doctor’s non-human nature as the Brigadier and Liz mull over his ongoing coma and wonder whether it would be a good idea to move him (despite having already done so at least once). Handily, with the Doctor still able to spout exposition regardless of begin catatonic or not, Sir Keith suddenly arrives resplendent with arm sling and smug look; raising the now revived Doctor’s hopes that free will is not an illusion after all (even if fatal-looking car crashes apparently are). Realising that the episode is running under, the Doctor decides to take the sledge-hammer approach to diplomacy; smashing up drilling equipment so that even the Brigadier has little option than to restrain him. But fortunately we’re talking UNIT guards here, so with one quick cry of ‘Hai!’ the Doctor is free again and - a walking advert for the difficulties of getting persistent stains out without a boil wash notwithstanding - makes his way back to the operations room in time to see Stahlmann go all Brian Blessed and despatch him with an ever-present fire extinguisher.

smearing goo all over his face like some post-coital chimp

With the clock ticking down like Kiefer Sutherland’s on set, the Doctor and Greg manage to rewire the entire complex in record time and get a volley of hugs and embraces as they smugly save the day (rubbing it in somewhat for the Brig who doesn’t get a single hug, not even from Benton). Leaving us wondering what the hell they’re gonna do with Stahlmann (hire his arse out for adult hi-jinks to Torchwood, perhaps?) all that remains is for some cosy epilogue banter between Pertwee and Courtney (during which the former radio comedian gets a flash-forward of his future career by ending up on a rubbish tip) and Liz laughs herself into the credits without even a proper leaving scene. I mean, even Bonnie bloody Langford was granted one of those…

Next time: we see whether the Linx effect will attract some gorgeous girl…or just a bunch of smelly middle-agers.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 7: a scripted scene never shot explained Liz’s sudden departure by having her marry Sir Keith Gold and take up residence in the ministry)

Apocalypse Now

Inferno Episode 6

This is my all-time favourite episode of Doctor Who. It's got it all: excitement, drama, pathos, humour, pant-wettingly scary music, and one of those extremely rare moments where the Doctor stands by helplessly as the entire supporting cast cops it*. But what really sets Inferno apart for me is the fact that I really care about this planet, even if it is overrun by fascists and werewolves. Unlike Earthshock or Resurrection of the Daleks, which also killed off their guest artistes with gay abandon, I didn't feel blessed relief or mild irritation. This time I actually gave a shit. It's impossible to dismiss this reality as a throughly disposable evil when these guys spend their last moments on earth trying to help a pompous old twat peddling some vague promise about saving their theoretical twins from another dimension. This selfless leap of faith is one of the most beautiful and uplifting things ever to grace the series, if you ask me. That and Petra's dress.

I care about this planet, even if it is populated by fascists and werewolves.

Having said all that, the Brigade Leader is still a complete and utter bastard - and a sniveling coward to boot! Sure, it's the classic ineffectual bully cliche writ large but you can forgive this when Nicholas Courtney delivers the performance of his life: not only does he give the real Brigadier some long overdue balls (his rant at Benton is a delight), he also manages to imbue the Brigade Leader with a tragic undercurrent that hints at possible redemption before ultimately succumbing to fear and violence.

Petra really comes to the fore in this episode, too. Like a meek contestant suddenly turning on Gordon Ramsay during a particularly bad service in Hell's Kitchen, when she unleashes what is almost certainly years of pent-up repression and anger, you can't help but feel a warm glow of empowerment. You go, girl! Greg Sutton proves to be a top bloke (who doesn't harp on about nipping off to a Berni Inn once) and Liz Shaw completes her transformation from unquestioning lackey to proactive avenger. What's especially satisfying about this subplot is the fact that Liz's decision to shoot the Brig isn't a last-minute twist: she switches her allegiance gradually and progressively throughout the story, which makes her journey seem much more gratifying.

But let's not forget that Inferno is terrifying, too. Sod the bloody werewolves and just concentrate on the landscape instead. When we emerge outside into the bleak, fire-sodden apocalypse, we know the game is up. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it and only Threads (produced over a decade later and screened after the watershed) can compete with Inferno's shit-your-pants imagery.  That montage of the earth being consumed by lava and semi-possessed primords is, for my money at least, the most disturbing moment in the entire series. If I had been born when this first went out then I'm pretty sure I would have been scared for life.

You go, girl! 

The final moments in the garage are simply amazing. Forget the seriously dodgy effects and the liberal use of CSO, the concept is bloody fantastic and should be applauded. These people are going to die a horrible, horrible death and there's bugger all the Doctor can do about it. It's desperately sad, and even if Pertwee appears stoical on the outside you know (or at least hope) that it must be tearing him up inside. Of course, if Tennant was doing this he'd be crying by now, staring into the middle distance with his jaw jutting out and his hands stuffed heroically in his trousers, but I digress.

Just stare at that final image of Greg and Petra and reach for the tissues. It's enough to break my 38-year-old heart.

* David A. McIntee can get stuffed! 

Turn the Heater On

Inferno Episode 5

There she blows! Up until this point a mere soupcon of shit was being flicked towards a battery operated fan, so please stand well back as a large bucket of diarrhea is flung into a Boeing 747's jet engine. They've only gone and unleashed the power of the earth's core! The numptys!

The Doctor turned out to be a fat lot of use, didn't he? Even though he was armed with the benefit of hindsight he still couldn't save the day. Primarily because he couldn't just flounce about patronising the hell out of all and sundry.

And it's brilliant. I bloody love Inferno. Just when you think things can't get much grimmer the entire cast are now staring death in the face. There's no way out. No miraculous last-minute leap to safety. Not for this lot, anyway. OK, we know damn well that Liz, Brig and Benton will all survive back in our universe, but we've spent more time with the alternative Greg and Petra than the so-called "real ones", and don't they make a lovely couple? Petra is already melting (and I don't think it has anything to do with the Inferno) and it looks like the threat of imminent death can do wonders for your deep-seated complex about being within five yards of a virile man.  Wisely, Greg decides to do a runner with Petra as soon as possible. Probably to the nearest Berni Inn.

A large bucket of diarrhea is flung into a jet engine..

Sadly, the promise of 25 minutes of futile melancholy is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces with the arrival of a posse of werewolves. Irritatingly, in much the same way that the recent Sunshine pissed its carefully crafted ambience up the wall, Inferno decides to trot out some incongruous monsters, too. Just be thankful that they didn't fling their own shit around the control room. Their hilarious entrance looks like an audition for Thriller twelve years too early and while the zombie-look that they sported in the first few episodes was genuinely terrifying, here they look like a bunch of rabid Chewbaccas crossbred with Cornelius from Planet of the Apes. But, once again, they are perfect fodder for the playground. One touch and it's 'Goodnight, Vienna", and it isn't long before Benton is sporting the worst false teeth since Albert Steptoe.

They are bumping off characters in the "real" world, too. In a perverse twist the chauffeur sent to delay Sir Keith from haranguing his colleagues decides to do the decent thing and ironically ends up killing them both. And now it seems abundantly clear what will happen - this world will die but the Doctor has to get back to reality so he can save all the spares. I can hardly wait...

If You Can't Stand the Heat...

…then get out of the parallel Earth

Inferno Part 6

Imagine a fight between Primords and Cushing-style Daleks. These all so threatening lumps of man-hair and teeth would be no match for the sheer fire extinguisher power of the movie’s pepper-pots.

In fact this episode of ‘Inferno’ contains more dry ice than a whole year’s worth of seventies Top of the Pops. As everyone from the Doctor to the Brigade Leader unleash climate-worrying levels of CO2, we embark on a trip to hell in a handcart in what is arguably one of the show’s most doom-laden instalments. But there’s also something touchingly human about the fact that even the people of this fascistic parallel (notwithstanding the Brigade Leader) rally to the Doctor’s cause despite the fact it’s clear they’re all screwed anyway.

this episode contains more dry ice than a whole year’s worth of seventies Top of the Pops

So as the climate outside turns a gravely terminal orange - either that or the Restoration Team must have had an off-day in the film lab - we take a brief trip back to our world; where the Brigadier is forced to get all Full Metal Jacket with Benton in order to have Professor Stahlmann grant him the time of day. Picture if you will R Lee Ermey before the watershed, as Alistair takes his turn for some testosterone-fuelled tirading with the sanctimonious scientist. Soon the Professor realises he shouldn’t have taken the military’s name in vain - though comparing Benton to an ape is at least understandable - and he retreats back to his calculations; tail well and truly between his legs.

Back in Dante’s opium-fuelled nightmare-scape, and radio producer Dirk Maggs has joined the Primord’s ranks, seemingly without the need of any additional make-up. As Petra Williams finally throws off her coolly logical shackles and tells the Brigade Leader to go stick his bullying motivational tactics where the sun don’t shine, the Doctor and Greg Sutton retreat to the hut where the TARDIS console looks nothing like Batman’s space rocket (causing anyone with sense to wonder what kind of TV programmes the Doctor’s been catching on BBC3 of late).

Picture if you will R Lee Ermey before the watershed

With everyone sweating more than a Northern Rock shareholder, the Brigade Leader finally reverts to neutered-bullying type; waving his gun around like a two-bit flasher and demanding that the Doctor takes them all back with him else he’ll thscream and thscream and thscream until he’s sick. Right on cue, the Earth heaves its terminal belch and as Greg and the Brigade-Leader are reminded that if they fight like animals, they die like animals (minus the McCoy gurning) the Doctor grabs on to the bucking console like his pension depended on it. And a sea of lava engulfs the hut like the end of ‘The Caves of Androzani’, but with added apocalypse.

Next time: a relieved Doctor gets back to normality, only to find he’s got to go through all this shit yet again.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 6: in a psychological survey of the effects of television programmes on people’s moods, it was found that this episode was slightly more depressing than 'Threads')

Burny Hot

This episode is where the shit really does hit the fan.

Inferno Episode Five

After a rather slow, but no less compelling, first four episode the serial really hits pay dirt in this episode when penentration of the Earth's crust is finally achieved and green gunge starts to burst from the pipes in the alternative Earth as the forces of god knows what have been released by the drill.

Stahlman finally sucumbs to the primord mutation and locks himself in the drillhead, and lots of people get turned into primords including the alternative Benton as all hell breaks loose and the planet heats up. The use of filters in this episode are effectively used to convey the rising heat.

This is a good action packed episode after some of the rather talky moments of the last few episodes and this episode is quite exciting. You are rooting for the Doctor to get the hell off the parallel Earth and are hoping that he can persuade the Brigade Leader and Section Leader Elizabeth Shaw that he is not a spy.

Of course nobody wants to voluntarily die so it is with no surprise that Brigade Leader insists that the Doctor take them all with him but the Doctor refuses saying that it would create a dimensional paradox and shatter the space time continuum.

Exciting stuff I am sure you will agree!

An Alternative Lifestyle

Inferno Episode 4

There's quite a bit of padding on display in this installment. And I'm not just talking about Liz Shaw's hairdo. However, you have to admit that it's quite sweet - profound, even - when the Doctor prods her into questioning her role in fascistville, as it helps to cement your sympathy for these jackbooted loons; if they were evil dopplegangers you would be cheering on their demise and breaking out the petards. Instead, we believe that some inherent goodness is beating away in their stilted hearts (although Stahlmann is still fair game in either universe) and they are worth saving in spite of themselves. Even when Nicholas Courtney instills the Brigade Leader with a deliciously hammy bastard quality - most evident when he ties the up the Doctor and shines his lamp in his face (good old fashioned 1970s torture where you simply bore your captive into submission by incessantly barking at them) - deep down inside you hope that he's still the thoroughly decent chap we know and love.

It helps to cement your sympathy for these jackbooted loons...

As if to remind us that these people could be the good guys, we are provided with a brief and wholly unexpected sojourn in "our" reality, which also reinforces the fact that things are still going tits up over there as well. There's just a lot more paperwork so it runs a little slower. It also transpires that you don't have to be a totalitarian twerp in order to sanction a project that will tear the planet apart. Which is a strangely subversive thought.

Back in the alternative shit storm, the Doctor is having a rum old time of it. He's locked in a cell next to a zombie (who is apparently having a quick kip before his next startled lunge-fest), he's chased about a bit, he's roughed up by his mates and he's treated with even more contempt than is usual. Stahlmann, meanwhile, is succumbing to the power of the dreaded lurgy and he even does that tortured mad scientist Doctor Who dance in a corridor when no one is looking.

I love a good countdown, me.  Especially countdowns that are really monotonous and accurate. And if the 24 vibe wasn't strong enough there's even an early attempt at superimposing the famous clock into the proceedings. Damn, Sean beat me to that gag. Anyway, in a bold move that is either really clever (dig the multi-layered deja-vu motif, man) or really cheap (there's only the one set) the Doctor finds himself ending the episode exactly as he started it - pissing in the wind with a gun pointed at him. Stop the episode, he needs to get off.

The Heat is On

Remember: never shake hands with a Primord - no matter how friendly they seem.

Inferno Part Five

Faced with certain death (again) at the hands of Stahlmann’s pistol, the Doctor is somewhat relieved to find the 24 clock finally ticking its way down to zero and the fabled Penetration Zero achieved. Amidst much running about and general tomfoolery, the Professor decides to lock himself in the Inferno complex’s equivalent of the steam room (complementary towels supplied, naturally) while number two output pipe emits more green ooze than even Khalid with a particularly bad head cold.

As the Doctor and Greg don protective suits to try and prevent Stahlmann’s designs on both ultimate power and a pair of German sauna-users, there then follows the bizarre sight of two Havoc employees struggling to have a convincing fight whilst dressed as a pair of white Tellytubbies. While Plinky-Plonky and Bo pick perhaps the worst time in history to have a game of tag-team wrestling, the Doctor drags a slightly worse-for-wear Sutton out of the steam-room, leaving Stahlmann to mash the face of one of his Germanic friends into a nice puddle of primordial snot. Serves him right for putting his beach towel down in advance, I suppose.

more green ooze than Khalid with a particularly bad head cold

And before you can say base-under-siege we’re in the comforting realms of one of Doctor Who’s standby locales. With the heat rising and more shouting and posturing amongst the men-folk than the average edition of Jeremy Kyle, the shield door to the reactor opens and the most unlikely of rock-group reformations emerges; as the principal members of The Eagles stagger forth - no doubt dismayed to find there’s no room at the Hotel California - with the worst case of collective sea-sickness outside of a cross-channel ferry. As the Doctor deduces that cold, hard CO2 is as likely to see off these brutes than bullets, one of them grabs Benton - the drummer I think - and soon the alternative-sergeant is turning a lovely shade of green to match his khaki uniform. On an American Werewolf in London scale, his transformation is hardly vintage. But for John Levene I guess anything’s better than waking up in a nappy.

With the heat reaching such volcanic levels that it starts to melt even Petra Williams’ cold heart, the Doctor suggests that there may be a way out provided he can link up the TARDIS console to the rather abundant energy supply lying around. Though perhaps mentioning that he can’t actually take anyone with him for fear of fracturing the space-time continuum at this stage is not the wisest of moves. So with Benton and The Eagles preparing for an encore of ‘Take it to the Limit’, the slavering Primords claw at the windows like a bunch of starving students until one breaks through with a cry of ‘feed me’ and more hand-hair action than would seem necessary for a tea-time slot.

for John Levene I guess anything’s better than waking up in a nappy

Meanwhile - in the real world - Sir Keith starts to wish he’d got himself a chauffeur with decent sat-nav.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to sat about Inferno 5: director Douglas Camfield started feeling chest pains the moment he saw John Levene’s transformation make-up)

Spy Hard

Inferno Episode Four
This episode is normally where things start to sag a bit in these longer stories and Inferno is no exception to that rule, and it would probably be true to say that if the alternative universe plotline wasn’t there then it would have been a stretch to fill seven episodes but luckily for us that manages to keep your interest and not send you to sleep, like some of the later six part Pertwee’s would do. To be brutally honest not a great deal happens in this episode, the Doctor spends most of his time stuck in a prison cell that they just happen to have in the compound. There he is being chatted up by Section Leader Elizabeth Shaw, or so she would like to think. I would say it is rather more the boot on the other foot here with the Doctor seemingly managing to get through to Liz about his true identity. The Brigade Leader and Benton meanwhile just want him shot for being a spy, no questions asked.

This episode also features an extended action sequence shot on location which would become the mainstay of the Pertwee years and more important than you would think in a longer story, because if in doubt stick a long action sequence in a give HAVOC something to do, after all if you've got a crack team of stuntmen on stand by you might as well use them.

Having a director with an eye for action, like Douglas Camfield, also helps and can often paper over the fact that there isn’t much happening, particularly by inserting these sequences and the judicious use of sound effects and music (the three seven part stories in series seven particularly).

What also keeps you glued to the screen in this episode is how can the Doctor possibly get out of this, as he has no power here and no influence and he is not going to able to flounce on in a huff like he did a couple of episode previously. He is in some danger and that is quite exciting as, at the moment, you don’t know if the Doctor will be able to get back, and you don’t know what might happen when the drill reaches penetration zero.

Anything could happen in the next twenty-five minutes.

If You Can't Stand The Heat

Inferno Episode Three

So at the end of the last episode the Doctor buggered off on a joyride leaving everything to go tits up at project inferno. In his haste to get as far away as possible away from the heat of the inferno it all went wrong and he ended up in a parallell world instead of anywhere but where he was. It was partly due to Stahlmann switching the power of mid way though the dematerialisation and partly because the Doctor's TARDIS is basically a pile of junk so it is amazing he managed to get anywhere at all let alone a parallell universe.

Parallell universes are a science fiction staple but this was the first time that Doctor Who had ever done that, and it wouldn't be until the 2006 series that they would do so again. Star Trek was most famous for what they called their mirror universe stories and that is nowadays what is often referred to when talking about alternative universes and the like, especially when the other universe is an evil version of the real universe.

Here we have a Orwellian nightmare of a universe where Frank Muir appears to be a big brother like figure (well it looks like Frank Muir anyway), the Brigadier is clean shaven and sports an eye-patch and a duelling scar, Benton is a thug, Liz Shaw is a jackbooted, mini-skirted, dark haired military type, and the Doctor is conspicuous by his absence. One wonders what the story would have been like if the other universe's Doctor had replaced our Doctor in our universe. That could have added another episode to the mix and it would still have been watchable. Well, I would have watched it anyway!

The one character that didn't really change from universe to universe was that of Professor Stahlmann, or Director Stahlmann as he is know here, who is just as disagreeable and conceited and arrogant as he was in our universe but now wears a pair of shades and is clean shaven (here the reverse is true they have facial hair in our universe and not in the mirror one). Petra is as stiff and buttoned up in this universe as she was in ours, and Greg Sutton hasn't changed either, apart from dressing more formally that his casual garb in our universe. Poor Old Sir Keith isn't even there in this unverse, having been killed in a road-traffic accident, whilst on the way to see the minister, a trip he was talking about doing in our universe.

In this episode the Doctor discovers that this project is far more advanced than that of the one he just left, but that none of the problems that he had seen had been fixed. He also had to find a way to get back as he certainly wouldn't want to be in this universe when everything goes up the river!

The Final Countdown

I’ve heard of deja-vu but this is f**king ridiculous…

Inferno Part Four

By now ‘Inferno’ is going through the motions. There’s only so many times that the Doctor can get locked up, escape, inveigle his way back into the base and get caught again without it invoking a creeping sense of deja-vu. Even stretched across two parallel worlds this kind of narrative seems forced; with most of the action still taking place in fascism city there’s a curious sense of ennui.

Take the fact that the Doctor both begins and ends this episode with a gun shoved in his face. Having shown a deft hand with computers that would put the average PC World boffin to shame, Pertwee is still vainly trying to convince Section Leader Shaw (about the only person on this godforsaken world to show anything resembling an emotion bar lustful sadism) that he has indeed traversed over from a parallel world and that all the calls for him to confess to being a spy, a collaborator or even a radio comedian will fall on deaf ears. With the trusted torture weapon of the angle-poised lamp deployed, it seems our hero’s demise is only a matter of time. Until alt-Liz tries a different tact; coming on all charm and smiles whilst flashing a hint of something more than cold logic beneath those shiny jackboots of hers.

will the Doctor confess to being a spy, a collaborator or even a radio comedian?

But it’s all to no avail. With the parallel Benton just itching to empty his gun cartridge into the coiffed crusader - and there’s a Freudian slip if ever I saw one - the Doctor is left to fend for himself as he finds his cell-mate is less than hygienic in the body-hair department. And only a cunning deployment of the Venusian Mattress trick on his newfound Primord pal allows him to escape to once more be recaptured at a later date.

Meanwhile, we have our first trip back to the ‘real’ world for two episodes, and what a jolt to the system it proves. Sir Keith hasn’t yet taken his fateful car trip to London, Liz is still dying her roots and the Brigadier seems to have given up warning about the perils of being in love with a beautiful woman. Sadly, we don’t stay long and soon the Doctor is trying his best to look inconspicuous in a radiation suit as he follows a group of similarly clad gimps back into the operations room. Spotted by the Brigade Leader, he gamely tries to call for reason - an act which at least prompts the strait-laced alt-Greg to see sense and have a pop at the Dr Hook tribute act - but when the gun falls to Stahlmann it seems like it’s curtains for the Doc. Until we realise that we said that only twenty-five minutes ago.

Next Time: someone pulls a gun on the Doctor and actually fires for once. Or probably not.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 4: Barry Letts once caused a security situation during a school trip to a nuclear power station by disguising himself as a technician and screaming ‘You’re all gonna die, you fools!’)

Parallelogurn

Inferno Part 3

The Doctor has disappeared into thin air and only an unscheduled trip to London by Sir Keith can save him! That's right, the Doctor's safety hinges on whether Sir Keith can successfully make it back to the Ministry before all the MPs and civil servants have blissfully ensconced themselves in drinking dens, card clubs and rent boys. Why he can't just make a quick phone call to his hedonistic colleagues is, sadly, left unexplained.

The Doctor wakes up in an ultra-grim version of the 1970s. Which is pretty good going when you stop to consider how fucking grim it was back in the real one. However, the biggest clue that he's landed in an alternative world is highlighted by the fact that the UNIT troops are not only pretty good shots (well, better shots), but they can also run, jump and organise themselves into a half-way formidable fighting force. Something definitely ain't right! And, to make matters even worse, this alternative world is populated by the same dreaded lurgy zombies that have been such a bloody nuisance back in the real one. Cue one of the most horrific scenes ever witnessed in this programme since, oh last week, as Pertwee is harassed by a drooling zombie on a gantry. This shit ain't never gonna get old.

Dr. No has opened up a fashion emporium and Stahlmann has a loyalty card...

But the fun really starts when the Doctor runs into a slew of subtlety twisted dopplegangers. Liz Shaw is now an obedient lackey in a Myra Hindley fright-wig (well, at least her bouffant is different) while the Brig is a bickering buffoon who looks like he has been glassed. In short, the differences are cosmetic rather than skin deep, which is quite a nice twist. In Star Trek's Mirror Universe the heroes meet polar opposite distortions of themselves, whereas in Inferno the characters are essentially the same people who have become the victims of fascistic fashionistas and political circumstance.

Stahlmann turns up looking very cool; Dr. No has opened up a fashion emporium and Stahlmann has a loyalty card. He's still the same impatient bastard we know and hate, only this time he has the authority to have that annoying lady from catering shot, hence this slightly more self-satisfied demeanour. Greg Sutton, on the other hand, has been hurled full circle around the fashion wheel and he's now a straitlaced prick with a broom up his arse, while Petra is still an inexplicably sexy ice maiden, only this time she's really dressed for the part. One can only imagine what Sir Keith would have looked like in this universe. As far as I am concerned he was probably decked out in a kaftan and sandals.

What is especially fantastic about this episode, and Inferno as a whole, is that we get to watch the place go tits up with the added benefit of hindsight. The real joy comes from watching the Doctor dealing with the situation in a proactive way now that his cane of condescension has been kicked out from under him. He can't just waltz around firing off pithy quips and patronising bon mots. This time he has to deal with the menace on his hands on knees with guns sticking in his ears. That'll teach him.

Parallel Lines

Parallel Lines

By the way, did you know that this episode spawned a certain convention anecdote..?

Inferno Part 3

If you wondered why ‘Inferno’ was so long, then wonder no more. Because with two episodes gone we start all over again, as Pertwee’s ill-advised jaunt on the Time and Relative Washing-machine in Space (TARWIS for short) lands him in parallel Earth-land; where nobody smiles, Brian Murphy from George & Mildred is some kind of Big Brother figure and Nicholas Courtney eats out on a thirty-seven-year-old joke. Or, as Mickey would later say, ‘where everything’s the same…but just a liddle bit different’.

Here ‘Inferno’ is like a proto-24, without Kiefer Sutherland and the unnecessary sadism. The constant ticking clock as alt-Stahlmann’s operation reaches penetration-zero gives the story a curiously real-time feel. And there’s a grimness to this parallel world which certainly knocks the proto-realism of ‘Rise of the Cybermen’ into a cocked hat. I’m not too sure about the disco-ball effect that will signify the segues between worlds from now on, but at least the similarities are as interesting as the differences. Though Stahlmann here does look more like he’s been messing around with a tin of green paint than ill-advisedly getting his hands dirty in the primordial goo.

oozing sexual dominance in a way that back-seat MPs could only dream of

Love the ‘Unity is Strength’ poster in the Doctor’s parallel hut (was Alan Moore watching through a smoky haze back in 1970 perhaps?). And it’s almost touchingly reassuring that even when UNIT troops are depicted as a much more hard-core set of troops they still can’t find their arses with both hands; firing so wildly that not even Pertwee’s bouffant curls are in any real danger. Still, at least this lot get their priorities right - shooting at the Doctor first, asking questions later. And given the third Doctor’s predilection for condescension beyond the call of duty, then frankly who can blame them?

But the highlight has to be the sight of Liz Shaw in jackboots and a black wig, oozing sexual dominance in a way that back-seat MPs could only dream of. With the Brigadier doing his Dr Hook number - remember, when he turned around they were all wearing eye-patches - and Benton rehearsing for a role in the next Guy Ritchie film, it’s clear that the regulars are having an absolute gas playing yings to their everyday yangs. Even the costumes highlight the sinister fascistic state the Doctor now finds himself in, with all the scientists in Dr No style jerkins and poor old Gorgeous Greg Sutton reduced to donning a severe suit and tie in place of his safari jacket. Taste, it seems, is the first casualty of totalitarian states.

was Alan Moore watching through a smoky haze back in 1970 perhaps?

Shame that no-one told Mrs Camfield that the trick with these parallel world thingies was to contrast the two roles, seeing as she’s still doing the class-A super-bitch shtick regardless of which dimension she’s in. Still, the cliff-hanger’s a neat repeat of part one’s, highlighting once again how much mileage one can make from a story told twice across different worlds.

Next time: continuity goes haywire as Nicholas Courtney forgets which side to wear his eye-patch.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 3: despite a heavy work-load on this story, visual effects supervisor Len Hutton still scored two first-class centuries for England against the West Indies)

This is Hard Core

Original transmission of this story was available in special steam-o-vision in certain London areas…

Inferno Part Two

Bloody trim-phones! One of the design icons of the 1970s puts in an inconvenient appearance right at the start of this episode; ringing off the hook as though the Banker from Deal or No Deal is itching to splurge twenty grand on a box he just knows has got the top prize in it. Meanwhile Pertwee - gamely ignoring Noel Edmond’s pleas to up the already moist levels of tension - decides to try his ‘look into my eyes’ routine on the hapless Slocombe, now so feral and hirsute as to qualify under the disability act as an honorary Northumbrian. Distracting the poor feller long enough to power down the nuclear overload with the aid of the Brigadier’s pistol (which, judging by the frustrated bent of Courtney’s moustache, seems to be the only physical action it’s got of late) the Doctor manages to reduce Slocombe to a dribbling wreck whose only party trick now is to leave a king-size scorch mark in his wake like the skid-marks of a thousand ten-year-old’s Y fronts up and down the country.

With pretty much everyone - scientists, oil-riggers and Dave Lee Travis impersonators included - all giving off more heat than a girls’ night out in Blackpool, it’s left to Professor Stahlmann’s assistant Petra to douse some ice-maiden cool on the situation; though such lesbian chic aloofness has little effect on Greg ‘call me Greg’ Sutton, as it’s all he can do to tighten up a restraining clamp without casting a leering eye in the direction of this hitherto unknown spiritual sister to the programme’s previous vixens of emotionless cool, Zoe and Liz Shaw. Speaking of which, Caroline John gets absolutely bugger all to do for these twenty-five minutes. And if she hadn’t done so already, she must surely have taken the opportunity to bang off a few CVs to the Open University or Clever Girls Monthly with a view to bringing her flame-haired flare to an audience wider than bigoted, big-nosed bores that only see her as far as her tea-making skills.

Slocombe is now so feral and hirsute as to qualify under the disability act as an honorary Northumbrian

Meanwhile Richard Keys-syndrome is spreading fast through the base, with a hapless scientist and UNIT’s Private Wyatt both succumbing to the ‘gween’ death of Terrance Dicksian folklore. Wyatt, to his credit, does at least try to bash Pertwee’s noggin in before falling to his Havoc-assisted doom; which does raise the question of how do you tell when someone’s infected by the green ooze and when someone’s just having a perfectly natural reaction to this Doctor’s pontificating.

And this episode continues the barely disguised sexual tension between the frilly-shirted one and Professor Stahlmann, as each face off at least half a dozen times on the subject of who can say the word ‘penetration’ and still keep a straight face. With things getting hotter than a particularly balmy day in Krakatoa circa 1883, Stahlmann himself succumbs to the ooze and makes a late entry into the 1970 Doctor Who Olympics for freestyle gurning. Only his Mayor Larry Vaughan-levels of obstinacy manage to keep him from going over the edge into a full McCoy meltdown, allowing him to commit the ultimate nah-nah-na-na-naah on Pertwee’s Doc by cutting the power to his makeshift TARDIS/hut and leaving the mighty nosed-one looking as sexually inadequate as a castrato in a brothel.

Stahlmann makes a late entry into the 1970 Doctor Who Olympics for freestyle gurning

Not that this bothers him of course. Pausing only to transfix the pricklish Prof with a well aimed pinch and a cry of ‘Haii!’ the Doctor decides to sod this for a game of (UNIT) soldiers and powers up the TARDIS again for a trip into Syd Barrett-land. I only hope he doesn’t shift into interstellar overdrive…

Next time: overworked floor technicians struggle to cope with the copious amounts of sweat produced by the cast.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 2: Olaf Pooley is of course ancient Cornish for ‘Ye O Loo Flap’)

The Nitwit Papers

Inferno Part Two

It really is an episode of 24! The ineffectual SWAT team, the meaningful glances over desks, the sound of a telephone constantly ringing in the background. And as for the violence! Poor old Harry - shot, burnt and covered in that special paint they use for girders. He'll never meet Hughie Green now.

These proto-primoids really are quite brilliant. Zombies armed with the perfect weapon. A weapon so terrible and efficient it is guaranteed to strike fear and terror into the hearts and minds of anyone in the vicinity. Yes, they have the dreaded lurgy! These bastards are so bloody terrifying because you simply can't go anywhere near 'em. They don't even need to bite you, goddamnit! Zombies had it pretty easy in the early 70s.

They have the dreaded lurgy!

Inferno really is grimmer than a wet weekend in Swansea. Even the exciting bits have a desolate feel to them. Case in point: the thrilling chase across the gantries which manages to make Threads look like High School Musical. Factor in a couple of really creepy low-angle shocks and some unearthly howls emanating from the Radiophonic Workshop and you've got one of the most nihilistic and throughly depressing episodes in Doctor Who's long history. And yes, I'm including Paradise Towers.

If I had to sum up the story so far I'd have to describe it as 'eerie bickering'. You know that the shit is about to hit the fan but you can't help but get caught up in all the petty arguments. If they'd rolled out a subplot about time sheets I would have been gripped. Even Greg attempting to thaw out the ice maiden Petra, with the help of some Hai Karate, felt desperately real.

Even the exciting bits have a desolate feel to them.

Stahlman continues to hone his irascibility down to a fine art in part two, and in another scene reminiscent of Look Around You he stupidly infects himself via the deadly beaker of death. But you have to love a man who would rather keep on working than bother himself with the trifling matter of three brutal deaths on his doorstep. You can only imagine what his reaction will be to Catering's invoice for the last conference he hosted. The Prof is already a nutter so when he starts to turn into an even bigger nutter, armed with a trunction and freaking out to the hypnotic strains of Blue Veils and Golden Sands, it starts to feel more than a little bit terrifying.

And you have to love a Doctor who really can't be bothered with it all. He knows that Stahlman is up to no good. He knows that there is some kind of weird virus on the loose. He knows that the drill is about to go tits up. And what does he do? He decides to do a bunk, that's what! Even more marvellous is the fact that he succeeds.

Or does he? The real fun hasn't even started yet...

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

Inferno Part 2

In part 2 things go from bad to worse in the Inferno. More green gungy stuff escapes from output pipe number 2, the same gungy stuff that had affected the maintenance guy Slocum in the first episode. This is seen as a bit of a problem by Sir Keith, but Professor Stahlmann doesn't see it as much of a problem.

It does make you wonder what would constitute a problem for Proffessor Stahlmann as there seems to be very little that would stop him from proceeding with the project. Nowadays Health and Safety would never have let the project get off the ground, so perhaps it wasn't so stringent back in the seventies when you were able to fill buildings with asbestos and nothing would be thought of it. Oh how times have changed.

Somebody on the compound decided that it might be a good idea to test some of this gunge to see what it was made off but just as all good gunge does it defies analysis and Stahlmann takes matters into his own hands (literally) getting some of said gunge on himself. Of course, as soon as the gunge touches Stalhmann's hands he starts to go all Slocum on us and stars to act in a rather strange manner, well a little more strange that he had been doing before anyway.

I did find that the second part of this adventure was a little slow and it did seem to take a while in getting going, of course they do have to fill up seven 25 minute episode so there is bound to be (quite a lot of) padding. However in the case of this episode the padding is actually highly interesting and is more to with fleshing the main characters out and making them more interesting and giving them motivation which is very nice and not that common in Doctor Who, it has to be said.

Pertwee was his usual arrogant and self serving self as the Doctor and Liz Shaw sported the shortest skirt in the history of mankind. Did many female scientists dress that way in the early seventies?

Disco Inferno

Warning: the use of the word ‘penetrate’ in this episode may elicit the odd childish snigger…

Inferno Part One

Aah, 1970 Doctor Who: garish colours, environmental concerns and a leading man so patronising as to make even a call centre operator seem contrite by comparison. For many this is the heyday of Who’s post-black and white boom; for others it’s just an excuse for Barry Letts to get a few carbon footprint issues off his chest. You know that the villains will be arrogant and power-mad, the UNIT soldiers will be thick and inept and that the Doctor will rub his neck to the point of chaffing while he swirls his cape and saves the day. Teatime thrills all wrapped up with a worthy message about the dangers of mankind’s meddling and lots of green ooze.

Still, it’s a cheery start. Following stock-footage of lava flows that would make Sharaz Jek weep, we open on an upbeat technician making his happy way to work - passing some meaningless jokey banter with a colleague on the way - and the Doctor, similarly buoyant having no doubt spent the previous evening reducing a double-glazing salesman to broken tears, singing a jolly tune as he rides his roadster into a top secret security compound. Such disregard is nothing new for Pertwee, of course, seeing as the third Doctor thinks little more than flouting authority at his every turn. But this time at least his arrogance is not without merit; for his destination is arguably the most inept nuclear power facility this side of Chernobyl.

stock-footage of lava flows that would make Sharaz Jek weep

Inside Sir Keith Gold - old Henry Gordon Jago himself - instructs the chipper technician to check number two output pipe as it seems that the very forces of creation started leaking out of it that very morning. Such interference swiftly draws the ire of one Professor Stahlmann, the Alan Sugar of this particular operation and a man so sure of his own brilliance that he surely must rank as the third Doctor’s deadliest foe. So as the technician Slocombe - who already has the misfortune of looking like one of the Master’s particularly ripe disguises - goes to work and soon gets a nasty attack of the ‘gween’ (copyright © every Terrance Dicks interview since time began), the Brigadier arrives to take half-assed control and make himself at home with a few of his holiday snaps from days spent buggering lackeys.

And as if all this steam and machismo isn’t already enough to send the testosterone levels of your TV set into meltdown, in walks a towering figure of manhood and antipodean swagger. His name? Greg Sutton: Oil Rigger. This lean, mean machine of drill-head expertise immediately rubs Professor Stahlmann’s frosty assistant Petra Williams up in a way he surely didn’t intend and causes a watching Germaine Greer to vomit a jaffa cake out at the sheer macho bravado of it all. Seems like Gorgeous Greg hasn’t learnt much social skills since his days as a caveman in the Tribe of Gum, though at least he has graduated to carrying a monkey wrench around rather than a stone club.

riding the TARDIS console like a cross between a bucking bronco and a 1950s washing machine

But as the levels of Stahlmann’s gas become more and more of a problem - shouldn’t have had that last picked onion, dear - the now feral technician has taken to offing any poor sod who gets in his way, whilst growing hand-hair that would put even Sky Sports anchorman Richard Keys to shame. Taking a break from his arrogance-sparring with Stahlmann, the Doctor retreats to his garage to fiddle with the TARDIS console and attempt another of his hapless escapes with the aid of all the spare nuclear power lying around. Just as it seems things can’t get any more environmentalist-baiting, Slocombe (now so green that he’s pissing chlorophyll) ups the output and the Doctor is suddenly riding the TARDIS console like a cross between a bucking bronco and a 1950s washing machine. What follows is obviously meant to look surreal, but fails miserably; as the TARDIS transports him into a hall of mirrors, notable only for somehow making Pertwee’s nose look even bigger than it already is.

Luckily Liz trips the power before his nostrils are indelibly smeared across our screens; and before you can say ‘China Syndrome’ the resultant power-surge has tipped the already ropey station into a full-blown meltdown. While the unfortunate Slocombe finds that he’s at least three miles from the nearest decent barbers.

Next time: Pertwee patronises Professor Stephen Hawking into chair-bound submission.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up ‘Doctor Who’ Facts has this to say about Inferno 1: 1970 was such a primitive time that automatic garage doors were still impressive)

It's Getting Hot In Here...

The first time I saw Inferno was on a really bad copy that I got tape trading. Remember that? Neverthless the copy of Inferno I had was not all that good but was just about watchable. In the pre-UK Gold days we were just glad to be able to see the stories (even if the copies we got weren't that clear themselves) and we would watch it despite the quality of the copy.

Not like nowadays when you can watch a crystal clear DVD copy of the story. For this review I actually watched the VHS becasue I don't actually own the shiny disc version.

Even the story, writer, director and episode number caption seemed to last longer than usual.

Inferno Part One

Boy, you can tell this is going to be a seven part story can't you. The Doctor makes a fleeting appearance in the opening seconds of the story and then doesn't appear for the next seven/eight minutes or so. Poor old Liz Shaw doesn't appear in the episode untill about 15 minutes has gone and even then she doesn't really do that much but is sporting a natty new hair style and a nice new blue outfit. Even the story, writer, director and episode number caption seemed to last longer than usual.

Petra Williams was played quite well by Camfield's wife Sheila Dunn but, when you consider, that he initially wanted Kate O'Mara to play the part you can see how he initally thought of her.

What makes Inferno such a good story is the writing, the direction and the acting. Virtually all aspects of the story are superb: Camfield's stylish direction complete with the use of filters and some excellent juxtaposition of shots such as the solider getting his head caved in by a wrench going straight to a nail being hammered into a wall; Don Houghton's wordy, but never dull, script, and the acting of the Olaf Pooley as the power mad Stahlmann, Christopher Benjamin as the civil, civil servant Sir Keith Gold and Derek Newark as the hard as nails oil man Gregg Sutton.

Petra Williams was played quite well by Camfield's wife Sheila Dunn but, when you consider, that he initially wanted Kate O'Mara to play the part you can see how he initally thought of her.

The first part shows enough to leave you wanting more, and I am glad that I didn't have to wait a week to see the next episode like they did when it was originally broadcast. The story is so compelling that you just want to watch the rest of the story as soon as possible, and that is the mark of a great story!

The Drillhead

Ahhh, season 7. One of the best season's of Who ever! Every single story is just great: from the writing, to the acting and directing to everything else in-between. It seems surprising that this was when Barry Letts produced the show. Yes, we all know that in reality this season is really both under Derek Sherwin and Barry Letts. Sherwin decided the stories and all that and Letts produced everything. Anyway, enough of all that. Let us just be in agreement that this season has a lot going for it and that this story is the supreme story. Now, onward...to glory!

Well, more like onward...to something grim. Blimey! This is adult and different. Doctor Who was never really a children's programme it was more for the family (there is a huge difference) yet despite that and the brilliance of what had gone on before there is something of a children's quality to the proceedings however, not so now. You can tell from the moment the titles are displayed over images of volcanic eruptions and even with wor conk-face driving and humming some tune who must look like a right twat to other drivers on the road has a strange quality that seems to fit the entire episode....and all because we now see that this looks like the grim North. Blimey! I remember the outskirts of Newcastle looking like that. Depressing as hell! If you want something to appear adult and grim either set it in the North or somewhere else with a heavy industry setting....me thinks Ridley Scott, whose ideas for the setting of Blade Runner were based on his early years in Newcastle looked back at Inferno and thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea getting its setting and multiply it by a million. All Inferno is missing for a futuristic setting is some neon lights, and then... Mr. Dalliard I've started to talk drivel now!

Now, from the Doc's tune to some bloke whistling. Now we know that the Doctor would have been some Upper-Class twit because he hums, we know this bloke is Working-Class scum cos he whistles some inane tune. To be honest, there really isn't much to talk about this episode. It is good, simple as that. It is a good introduction for the rest of the story. However, one thing to note: when we fans want to show a story or episode to a non-fan (or a not-we) we kind of know that despite us really enjoying a slice of Who we know to the outside world it will look like some crummy crap. So, we show them Ghost Light and they then leave thinking that Who is bally great. Well, I showed Episode One of Inferno to a friend and he left away wanting to watch more and thought it was a excellent piece of television (with some cliche of "shame they don't make them like that anymore"). Inferno may not seem like a obvious choice (when we have Ghost Light or Caves of Androzani) but just watch this episode and you can see why it is truly great. The writing does what it sets out to do: it lays out the story, no frilly pointless dialogue. Straight-to-the-point without sounding contrived and good directing and superb acting and as this is Sc-Fi, good 'ol green goo and some idiot who touches it (hey, it is the working class scumbag I mentioned above): the stuff you want from T.V. drama. Something else as well that people tend to forget to mention is editing, simply because if it is done well you tend not to notice it because it is done smoothly but there is one moment in this episode that makes you notice it BUT simply because it deserves mentioning. The moment that Scumbag raises the wrench to really lace in to some guy with a white-coat (must be a scientist but why he be working by himself in that shed is beyond me....must be trying to make his own Anti-Wrinkle cream with added Oxygen H2O) we cut to a hammer hitting a nail into a (wobbly) wall. It is just so well done and conveys the sense of horror of the brutal murder having taken place it is just brilliant.

There is just one thing that bugs me about this episode:

                                                 "It's still warm..."

Still? How did he know it had been warm before. I know it is only one word but it does bug me somewhat. Actually, there is some other dialogue that irks me:

                                     "A dreadful business Liz, a murder without a motive"

As apposed to murder with a motive. Murder is dreadful, simple as that. However, the fact that the only thing that I have against this episode is a couple of pedantic quibbles simple shows that this episode is strong but of course things do get much better. Which in this case is great because hopefully I'll have more to say next time round.

We Didn't Start the Fire

I bloody love Inferno, me. I really shouldn't. It's a Pertwee. It's seven episodes long. It's got really crappy monsters lurching around in it. I ought to be running for cover, not putting aside a whole Sunday afternoon in which to wallow in it. I honestly can't put my finger on why Inferno pushes my buttons so (my big pulsating orange buttons) but there's something so relentlessly grim and depressing about the whole thing that I always find myself being sucked in whenever I fire (sorry) it up in my DVD player. Despite the story's sci-fi trappings (parallel universes, mad scientists, zombified werewolves, and evil dopplegangers) Inferno remains resolutely realistic, and even though it represents a time when macho men wore khaki casual, medallions and cravats, it's hardly dated at all.

Inferno Episode One

We join the third Doctor as he doggedly rehearses for his upcoming X-Factor audition; his first stop after fixing the TARDIS will be to pop forward to the Birmingham NEC in May 2007 where he'll proceed to murder Gilbert and Sullivan and flirt with Sharon Osbourne. However, putting up a fight in the melodious stakes is the virtuoso whistling maintenance man, Harry Slocom, who, sadly, won't even get to take part in Opportunity Knocks because he's about to fall victim to the local drilling project's lackadaisical health and safety policies. He should have told them to switch it off and back on again...

I should be running for cover, not putting aside a whole Sunday in which to wallow in it...

The Inferno project is an oppressive place to work in, even before all hell starts breaking loose. This is mainly down to Professor Stahlman's peculiar 1970s management style; long before any annual appraisal and staff development nonsense crept into the workplace, this is what it was like working in the white heat of technology. Or is it the set from Look Around You? Stahlman is the kind of boss that will happily fire you as you come off the late shift on Christmas Eve, or your usefulness to the upcoming RAE submission had come and gone, and his impatient suffer-no-fools attitude is both nostalgically entertaining (you half expect Frank Spencer to turn up as Slocom's replacement) and boo-hiss chilling. If they remade the story today it it would have to be an installment of Torchwood featuring Gordon Ramsay effing and blinding his way through choice dialogue like, "You're not turning the f**kin' drill off, you f**kin' muppet. Get out of my sight, you complete twat!"

I always enjoy it when the third Doctor tries to do a runner...

Great chunks of this episode are comprised of pure, undiluted exposition as we are brought up to speed on the intricacies of the drilling project: its raison d'etre, pitfalls, rewards and politics. Yes, politics. Inferno occasionally feels like an episode of The Power Game or The Sandbaggers, but it's the hyper-real stench of power-mad ruthlessness that gives Inferno an aura of pervading dread and Quatermass-esque immediacy. It could so easily have been as dull as ditch water but, thankfully, the sweetly constructed info-dumps are delivered by a host of interesting and compelling characters. There's never a dull moment when you've got snide menace being exuded by Stahlman, benign enthusiasm gushing out of Sir Keith, improbable sexiness seeping out of ice maiden Petra's every pore, and boisterous common sense spilling out of Greg like a kidney from a dingo. Each character is instantly fascinating and colourful, and counterpointing the grim frostiness that permeates the labyrinthine management structures of the Inferno project itself are the ubiquitous UNIT family, who are already beginning to feel all nice and cozy (the weird bonhomie over the Brig's photo, Benton sniggering like Corporal Pike, Liz doing what she's told without so much as a whimper), and the net result is remarkably entertaining.

Stahlman would happily fire you as you came off the late shift on Christmas Eve...

I'm actually disappointed when the show turns into Doctor Who again as Harry transforms into a homicidal wolf man, although at this point he still looks like he's walked off the set of Dawn of the Dead. The fact that Harry seemed such an affable chap, who could also carry a tune, makes his transformation into the primal, er, primoid genuinely disturbing, and his plaintive, quasi-threatening roar is quintessential Doctor Who.

Camfield's direction (pre-heart attack) is quite superb. The juxtaposition of a savage murder with Benton hammering away on a nail is both imaginative and ghastly, and his decision to use stock music, including Delia Derbyshire herself, pays dividends. Sometimes it's hard to know where the music stops and the sound effects start, which results in a profoundly unsettling effect. Camfield even manages to make people standing in rooms chatting look exciting, and if you squint really hard you could actually be watching an episode of 24.

Harry looks like he's walked off the set of Dawn of the Dead.

And finally, I always enjoy it when the third Doctor tries to do a runner. His holier-than-thou condescension and selfish streak is miles away from the funny uncle persona he eventually mellows into, and I love it. His banter with Stahlman is immanently quotable, and his surreptitious use the Inferno project for his own ends backfires magnificently with a deliciously surreal trip into the mind of Syd Barret trapped in a fun house. Barking.

In short, this is a blinding start. I care about the characters, I'm suitably stressed out by the monsters and the whole place is rapidly going to hell in a hand basket. It doesn't get much better than this.

And now it's over to Damon for jokes about "penetration", "deep drilling", "vibrating tubes" and the devil's own semen.