"It's Gabriel Chase Me..."
Tachyon TV present an alternative tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary to Ghost Light
Part 3
Topics up for discussion include: Dustin Gee and Les Dennis, calorie-free evil, hot flushes of embarrassment, Outpost HC, and white kids firebombing the hell out of everything. The bastards.
Available from the usual place
"Pipette Me!"
Tachyon TV present an alternative tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary to Ghost Light Part 2.
Topics up for discussion this week include: Jeux Sans Frontiers, Marc Platt's Casualty episode, Rockcliffe's spin-offs, Frank Windsor's Euthanasia Clinic, and Tachyon TV's world famous kedgeree recipe.
"I want to see the Doctor in a question-mark ball-gown..."
Tachyon TV present an alternative, tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary for Ghost Light Part 1.
Topics up for discussion this week include: Nimrod and his Magical Mammoth, twisted midgets, Emu's World, Alan Bradley goes tram-dodging, and Cartmel's Pervy Master-plan.
Ghost Light Part 3
In the words of Roger Waters - "it all makes perfect sense". We know what happened to Gwendoline and Mrs P (the horrible twist being that she really was a nasty piece of work); we know what happened to George; we know why RFC was brought to the house; we know why Nimrod was on the ship; we know who left behind the insect husks; we know why Light is so pissed off; and we know what Ace did in 100 years time (even if it does reek of spiritual mumbo-jumbo).
The only thing that continues to baffle me is this: who - or what - are Josiah and Control? I understand that they evolved into the dominant life-form on the planet, but it's never adequately explained how they do this, not to mention why. Did they start out as a sample of DNA? Did Josiah fiddle with Light's alarm clock on purpose? How can he de-evolve people? Where the hell does Light come from (he reminds me of that character in Hitchhiker's who insults every sentient being in the galaxy - in alphabetical order!)? Is he on the same astral plane as the Eternals?
I admit it - there are plenty of gaps in the narrative. You could be kind and call Ghost Light 'open-ended', but 'rushed' is probably a more apt description. One more episode could have sorted that out. Sure, we might have got 10-15 minutes of padding in exchange (geddit?) but I'd willingly trade if it resulted in a more coherent story.
But the broad strokes are all there. You know who's bad, who's good and who's misguided; the rest you'll just have to sort out for yourself, I guess. I hesitate to complain about plot-holes big enough to drive trucks through, as that implies Marc Platt attempts to explain certain elements when he patently doesn't! I bet the Doctor sat Ace down in the TARDIS before regaling her with a detailed explanation as soon as the end credits were rolling, but, alas, we're left in the dark. Maybe that's the point.
Despite all this, Part 3 is still my favourite episode of the lot.
Light is a brilliant villain/misguided deity. It's a brave move from John Hallam to play him as a camp-as-Christmas loony, but the mixture of childlike innocence and dispassionate curiosity leads to some truly macabre moments (dismantling the mysterious maids and turning the Inspector into soup manage to be both horrific and hilarious). He reminded me of one of those powerful, but extremely childish, gods the crew of the Enterprise used to run into during the 1960s, and I almost felt sorry for him in the end. I mean, how often do Doctor Who villains get defeated for being too anal?
The last-minute addition of a sub-plot involving the assassination of Queen Victoria feels like it's just there to make Josiah a more tangible threat (annoying stubborn priests doesn't really cut it). At least it provides a good reason for the inclusion of RFC, but over-egging an already eggy pudding was just asking for trouble. The denouement is extremely complicated as well. What happened to the crew of the stone ship? Are they still in the cellar, pretending to fly around the universe? 136 viewings later and I still can't decide.
Maybe one day it will all fall into place. In 2089 they might even reconstruct an extra episode with a CGI Hogg and McCoy. Don't laugh - it could happen! But perhaps the reason why I love Ghost Light so much is precisely because it keeps me coming back for more; let's face it - I never lost any sleep over Battlefield.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Ghost Light Part 3: The very last shot of classic Doctor Who (1963-1989) they filmed was a close-up of Gary Downie's arse walking into the frame.
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small.
All things weird and wonderful,
Light went and indexed them all.
Ghost Light - Episode 3
So it's come down to this. Light's been cataloguing all life on planet Earth and is dismayed to find that it's had the temerity to change and evolve, thus his catalogue was never complete. And the staff at Argos HQ sigh a collective sigh as at last there's someone with whom they can emphasise with on tele. So distraught is Light at this realisation that he's chosen to materialise as that big bloke Den Watts shared a cell with in the late 1980's. And in a rather dismal outfit too. Surely he could have evolved a wardrobe beyond the bounds of Gay Man at C&A?
There remain so many unanswered questions and even more are being heaped onto the pile at any given second. I almost feel embarrassed watching this, as if I hadn't revised thoroughly before hand. So Light is a surveyor, and Josiah's the survey that got out of control. And Control is, well, Control. And then, just as you think you might actually have the merest of tenuous grasps on the thing, Josiah starts bleating on about restoring the Empire to its former glory. Now, he might just be talking about restoring the Hackney Empire to it's music hall hay day, but I suspect that it's actually the British Empire. Just where did this come from and, more's the point, why? I mean, there's no love lost between him and Queen Vicky, but there's also very little explanation as to why he's looking to restore the Empire. Surely he'd be better off evolving oak-smoked skin and setting up a political party called UKIP.
Still, things are a happening. Control takes a bush tucker trial and munches on a juicy roach as the rest of the house starts to come alive, feeding on Light's energy. There's a bit of a Lost style back story as Ace crumples to the floor bathed in the lights of a police car. And Redvers reveals he'd out hunting some big game, a crowned Saxe-Coburg. But by the looks of her, she'll take a bit of stuffing before taking up residence next to all the other species in the house.
Light, who has by this point almost evolved into Howard Hughes, starts taking apart a servant to see how it worked. The child-like voice and the severed limb are superb. And with that we are invited to the oddest dinner this side of high tea at Jeffrey Dahmer's place. Inspector Mackenzie's collapsed into a gelatinous state, with added vegetable stock (the cream of Scotland Yard, very macabre), but the guest of honour is no-where to be seen.
Like the vast majority of high concept pieces of confusing drama, you still don't really understand what happened or why it happened, even though you were promised answers when you were enticed in. Bitter? Me? No. Just still mildly concuss. That's probably the 5th or 6th time I've seen Ghost Light, and every time I get closer to true enlightenment. Only need to watch it another 7,893 times for the penny to finally drop.
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 3 of Ghost Light: The cast and crew had an inkling that there wasn't going to be a season 27 when the end of series wrap party was broken up early by a group of repro men who were repossessing JNT's collection of colourful Hawaiian shirts he'd had on extended loan from the BBC Wardrobe Department.
Ghost Light Part Two
It's only fair that my (very late) review of part 2 attempts to answer some of the questions posed in part 1:
1) Who is using the stuffed animals to spy on the inhabitants? Er... Pass. Could be any number of people; including the Doctor, who patently knows way more than he's letting on.
2) Why do the maids look like fembots? Hmmm... no, sorry: Pass.
3) What is lurking in the basement with only The Times crossword for company? Pass! (However, it is almost certainly a cock-er-ney with a voice modulator).
4) The Doctor knows a good takeaway restaurant at the Kyber - what? Pass!
5) What is Light? I'm pinning my hopes on part 3. They certainly big him/it up though. If he's a camp bruiser decked out in a fairy outfit there will be trouble...
6) Why is there a neanderthal waiting tables? They don't mind the long hours and you can pay them in teeth.
7) Why is Josiah covered in cobwebs? Aside from the fact that's he's a raving Tory, it turns out that he is evolving into a Victorian gentleman. As he evolves he leaves behind decayed husks (and, inexplicably, giant insect monsters). A great idea which only falls apart the moment you start to think about it.
But seriously, thanks in part to a thoroughly entertaining turn from Frank Windsor as the hungry racist, Inspector McKenzie, and the ominous mutterings of our hero, we can piece together some of the facts. As far as I can tell, Josiah has murdered George Pritchard and he has taken over the rest of the family with some kind of coffee-inspired mind control. He de-ices Nimrod and he employs him as a Butler (he doesn't trust Mrs Gross to go near his porn stash). When an Inspector calls he sticks him in a drawer and then he idles away the days slowly evolving into the dominant life-form. Oh, and winding up Creationists. He has trapped his sworn enemy in the cellar (although why he doesn't kill it himself remains a mystery).
Just how RFC fits into all this is anyone's guess - if he found Josiah in the jungle then how did he bring all that stuff back to the cellar in Perivale? Or was Josiah hanging around in the jungle after Pritchard found him? Or did RFC open the cellar and he hasn't been in the jungle at all? Maybe Josiah employed RFC to go into the cellar and kill his enemy (and he failed and went mad)? Does anyone know? It's baffled me for years. I'm hoping that when I watch part 3 for the 136th time tomorrow, it will suddenly make sense...
9) What fate awaits the Reverend? Finally! A question I can definitively answer! He is de-evolved into an ape. How? No idea. Why? Cos it's hilarious. As someone who was plagued by Jehovah Witnesses for several years (until they were banned from coming over to our house because we managed to 'turn' a couple of them) I can certainly empathise with Josiah's plight, and his solution to the problem is inspired, if a little icky.
10) Why is the Doctor playing mind games with Ace? Controversial, this. I don't really read it as a game; I just see it as yet another reminder that the Doctor is an alien being. When Ace casually mentions that she's been freaked out by an old house in Perivale he can't wait to check it out. Now, you could make a case that he's testing Ace in some convoluted manner, but I just see it as healthy curiosity. The fact that he doesn't warn Ace before they arrive at Gabriel Chase could mean a number of things: he's manipulative, he's trying to protect her, or he just plain forgot!
Either way, it was an insinuation that would influence the forthcoming Virgin New Adventures, when it suddenly became de rigeur to portray the Doctor as a dark, self-serving twat who wouldn't give a second thought to using his companions as pawns (and in some cases, porn) on the giant chessboard of Time. Or something.
11) And finally, why did JNT feel the need to mess with perfection when he shoe-horned in some shambolic monsters for a thoroughly annoying cliffhanger? Ah, I know the answer to this one! To be fair, I can almost see where JNT was coming from. For some inexplicable reason he'd allowed his script editor to commission a deeply symbolic, multi-layered, philosophical thriller. Now, this was fine for the 20 year old university students who were watching, but what about the eight year olds who had somehow pestered their Mum into foregoing Coronation Street for the night? And so we get the husks. Tragic, really. The only redeeming feature is that they are wearing tuxedos, which elevates them into the realm of the surreal, if nothing else.
So, plenty of answers, or, at the very least, some wild, unsubstantiated theories. But there's still 27 minutes left in which to wrap it all up in a big, neat bow. Honest.
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about 'Ghost Light' part 2: The cast and crew ran a sweepstake on who could best explain the plot after they'd wrapped production. Frank Windsor came first, with Ian Hogg a close second. Marc Platt and Andrew Cartmel came eighth and fifteenth, respectively.
I know precisely what you're thinking. Even through the medium of Blog I can read your mind. Just by pressing parts of your body to the screen I'll be able to read your mind. Go-on, try it. You'll be amazed and astounded when I tell you that what you're thinking is how on earth did Broken News ever get commissioned. Am I right or am I right? No...? Ok then, your thinking why did the BBC have to cancel the show just as it was getting interesting again?
Ghost Light - Episode 2
You could set this as a standard text for A Level in English Literature and Insanity. It's got everything here: from body hair to lepidopterists. Could there be quite a sublime subtext here in that there are stacks of moths (and other lepidoptera) and they're attracted to Light. And that's who's steam powered stone space craft has been parked up in the cellar. The thing that's been hibernating in the cellar has had it's peace shattered and there's enough steam to open up a Turkish sauna.
Josiah is mincing around like some morally corrupt lothario who's looking to have his wicked way with anything that he might happen across. Turns out that those husks that were menacing Ace are actually old cast-offs of his, previous stages of his evolution, that he's keeping around just in case. Wonder why it's just those two? And how are they animated? Way too many questions being posed by this. Reckon Marc Platt should be abducted at sausage-point and made to answer every single point anyone has ever raised about Ghost Light until we all see the light. Kind of like a panel at Panopticon, only less like a Nazi interrogation and with less meat-based offal-tubes. Josiah, it would appear, is attempting to evolve into a nice Victorian gentleman. Again, no explanation as to why this apparently is the height of humanity's evolutionary journey. I was half hoping for something more like ascending to a higher plain of existence, or at least being able to vibrate at a different energy frequency. Or similar David Ickeian bollocks.
I just can't seem to get too far away from Josiah. The bit where he takes a pot shot at Queen Victoria is astounding. I'd imaging that that would have generated more than just a few letters of complaint to the Daily Mail, whose readers a probably still living in the realms of Victorian England. By the by, I believe that the greatest experts in genetic technologies are the tabloid press of the United Kingdom as they work tirelessly to re-animate Lady Di, the People's Princess, in order to enable yet more acres of newspaper coverage to be produced.
The Reverend Matthews, keen on his 5-A-Day is offered a banana and immediately starts to regress (or is it evolve) into a monkey with hands hairier than Richard Keys. Again, this happens for very little discernible reason. It's as if the usual rules of cause and effect have been suspended within the walls of Gabriel Chase. And with that he starts on his way to Java...
Ace is woken up to something which is not so much a breakfast, more of an autopsy; scrambled egg, hot buttered toast, kedgeree, kidney, sausage and bacon. Mrs Groose, the nursey-type, leaves through a door issuing yet another chilling warning. Just imagine if she does that every single time she leaves a room (the two times we've seen her leave via a door she's left with a chilling remark - so it's not unreasonable), must take her an age to move around the place.
The constantly eating Constable has been living in a drawer for the last 2 years after having been sent there to find out what happened to the owner of the house, Sir George Pritchard. Looks like they've been involved in a reverse Victorian version of Wife Swap. He's gone to a family house in Wiltshire with Josiah's other half whilst he's moved in here with the old bag Lady Pritchard. And speaking of Josiah, he's evolved again and left another one of his husks in the upper observatory. Along with the Reverend Matthews who appears to have evolved into Griff Rhys Jones.
Josiah's finally evolved into a Victorian. The starched mustache, the quafured hair, the velvet smoking jacket - the hight of human evolution. He obviously decided no to go the whole Hogg and evolve through a shell-suit wearing slob into a Burberry wearing chava. And the Doctor's managed to call his bluff and unleash what lives below...
The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 2 of Ghost Light: JJ Abrams rejected an initial pitch from Marc Platt for a continuing series based upon what eventually became Ghost Light because it was overly complex and ambiguous in meaning.
