"Ten years from now we'll get the Myrka bitch-slapping some Sensorites..."
Tachyon TV present an alternative, tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary to Doomsday.
Topics up for discussion this week include: Celebrity Doctor Who Wrestling, Mickey's alternative lifestyle, RTD's Thay Agenda, the return of Tony Barks, lemon curd transmats, John Paul's CGI girlfriend, and the Tyler's first convention.
It’s too hot for my PC. Almost as soon as I turn it on, the fans are straining to breaking point – Even though I put an extra one in at the beginning of summer. So, I’m writing this long hand and will have to decipher my writing and meaning once it cools down enough to type this up. Why am I telling you this? Well in preserving the life of my computer, I am committing the heinous So, armed with a screwdriver of Quarter-staff proportions, let’s talk about Doomsday. Blimey, that was some good telly! They had a mid-season slump but pulled out of it with a tremendous double part season finale. Wow! Which is all I have to say, really. Okay, I suppose that there were a couple of things that I could mention, as I’m here. I make it a point not to read any other reviews before I write my own (although afterwards I spend many hours kicking myself saying, "Why didn’t you think of that?") so I apologise if this is just so much repetition, but… Four Daleks and a Pictionary board Firstly I owe J Salem Gourley an apology for making him doubt his sanity. In my last post I claimed that there were three Daleks in the void sphere and JSG said that there were four. As it turns out there were four – so well spotted. I could never get on with counting on more than one hand so didn’t get past three. Thinking about it, it does make much more sense having four Daleks in there – I mean, you can’t play Pictionary with three very well, can you? Charades would be no good – You could never have more than two words and then you’d be limited to miming words like up, down, left, right and wiggle. I may be being a little innocent here, but I can’t think of too many book or film titles that have the words up, down and wiggle in them. Equally, eye-spy would be right out the window, too (Not that there were any windows in the sphere, of course). I can picture it now – "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with D-e-e-e-e!" "Dal-ek!" "Correct. Your go-o-o-o" "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with G-e-e-e-e!" "Genesis Ar-r-r-r-r-k!" "Correct. Your go-o-o-o" "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with D-e-e-e-e!" After about three rounds of that and they’d be shooting each other just to put an end to it. So, Russel T Davies was right, it was far more sensible and much better plot-wise to have four Daleks and a Pictionary board. Actually, who decided that it was called a Genesis Ark in the first place? It was a prison ship containing millions of Daleks, so I don’t know why the Time Lords would have thought the name Genesis would have been appropriate. They’d have come up with a suitably vague acronym like MUDPIE (Multi-Use Dalek Prison Impound Engine) and left it at that. So, if not the Time Lords, it must mean that it was the Alternative Daleks that came up with the name. When I say alternative, I don’t mean it in the Alexi Sayle way. These are new wave Daleks. When the Doctor started talking about the amended thought processes I immediately assumed that these were left over from the Dalek civil war that Doctor 2 started waaaaay back in 1967 in The Evil of the Daleks. I thought that perhaps these were some of the Humanised Daleks that had hidden away from the fighting in a big ball. But apparently they were an offshoot of the original idea of free thinking Daleks who were to start the new race of Super Dalek. Or whatever the plan was. Still alternative or not, they were your typical alien on Earth. They’d not been here for more than a couple of hours before they start talking about probes! And the Doctor really shouldn’t be so modest in his claims that it’s not a probe but a screwdriver. At last, we find out that there are three things that a Sonic Screwdriver can’t do – Kill, wound or maim! Although I’m sure if he looked at the instructions the settings would be there. There is one other thing that I don’t recall seeing the Sonic Screwdriver ever doing, namely tightening or loosening screws! He doesn’t even need to stand next to doors to ‘unlock’ them anymore. They just explode inwards at a single click. Actually, weren’t those doors all sealed? Wasn’t Rose in terrible trouble at the end of Army of Ghosts because she was locked in a sealed room with the Daleks? How come the Dalek managed to wander through the door without unsealing anything? Do they perhaps have their own sonic probes? The posturing and banter was new for the Dalek race, too. I can only assume that this was part of the alternative stand up routine. "There is one way in which you are superior…Dying". You just shouldn’t get posturing, one-upmanship like that from them. They’re all zap, zap, zappity, zap "We win! Who’s up for charades?" without any need to boast about it. I can only hope that the five million Daleks that were in the Genesis Ark were ‘normal’. How did they recognise the fact that the Doctor was an enemy simply by seeing him on the screen in the background? He wasn’t even wearing his 3D Specs at that point, although that would only make them worry for his sanity rather than their safety. Perhaps there’s some kind of racial memory by now – Anybody that happens to stand around in slightly odd clothing and pays attention gets their notice. Do they have their own ‘stranger danger’ awareness sessions aimed at recognising this type of foe? Abandoned Dalek husks lying in smoking ruins I seem to be picking on the Daleks a bit here, don’t I? Oh well, they’re ‘ard - they can take it. I remember saying that I had reservations about the battle between Daleks and Cybermen. It would appear that my concerns were justified. Just like in Alien Vs Predator we didn’t get to see much in the way of battles. I wanted pitched battles across continents with abandoned Dalek husks lying in smoking ruins and Cybermen ripping the lids off before being consumed in fire and melting on their enemies. You know that sort of thing. Picture the beginning of Terminator 2 where the Terminator stamps on the human skull – I wanted that to happen here. A Cyberman’s hissing, piston stomp smashing down through the discarded lid of a Dalek. Battles on a massive scale with cybernetic bits and bobs being blown to pieces with the plucky humans fighting on the sideline for survival. Instead we get a few flying pepperpots zapping from on high and Cybermen just taking it. It was not so much mano-e-mano as mano-e-mouse. I was disappointed with that. And whilst we’re on the subject of disappointment, there was a brief moment when I thought that He was back. The Cyber Leader and Doctor were talking about the weakness of emotion and then the Doctor pipes up with the existence of hope before a squad of a black clad soldiers pop into being and start shooting. For a wonderful, fleeting moment I thought, "It’s the Cardiff contingent of Torchwood come to save the day. Captain Jack’s back!" and it turned out to be Mickey’s ‘companion’ that we last saw heading off for a City Break in Paris. I would have preferred Captain Jack. And since when did Simon Says get a dimension travel level? Those round yellow buttons that they Not such a Mr Smug Pants Know-It-All It was good to see the Doctor being out of his depth a bit, too. There’s all this technology around that he either knows nothing about or claims to be impossible. He not such a Mr Smug Pants Know-It-All anymore, which I rather liked. Last week he claimed that the Void Sphere was a theoretical impossibility and this week he had no idea what the Genesis Ark was and claimed that the Simon Says buttons were impossible, too. Whereas before he’d have known everything about everything without pause for thought (except having to read up about werewolves in Tooth and Claw – Would that have been a paws for thought?) now he’s floundering and wondering where everybody "gets those wonderful toys". Here’s a question somebody might like to answer. Who did build the impossible Void Sphere? Was it another Time Lord construct that the Daleks just happened to steal whilst they were also nicking the Genesis Ark? Where did it come from? At least it was the Doctor that got rid of the bad guys this time. After taking a couple of weeks off from saving the day he’s back sucking everybody and everything that’s ever been in the alternative universe into the void. So what happened to all the Cybermen that were created on ‘our’ side of the void? They hadn’t been on any other planes of reality so wouldn’t have been drawn in. Unless, of course, the Cybermen bought all of the empty ‘suits’ with them when they came through from over there. You never know when you might need a change of clothes I suppose and that would certainly explain where they got all those Cybus Industry logos. Not that I remember seeing any Cyberdudes at all being pulled through the rift into the void, now that I come to think of it. There were a couple of shots of them being sucked up into the air from London streets and sightseeing at the Taj Mahal, but none of them seemed to make it to the rift. Just all those millions of Daleks being swept up very conveniently through the window of Torchwood Towers rather than following a straight line which would have made more sense. How did millions of Daleks get into the Genesis Ark in the first place? The opening was the exact size and shape of a Dalek (If we knew what model of Dalek they were, I could give you those measurements) so they must have gone in one at a time the same way they came out. If memory serves there were five million Daleks in there, and so it would have taken an awfully long time to ‘march’ them all in there. No wonder Time Lords need to live for a long time, they had to spend a few millennia counting Daleks. My only slight concern is that there are now millions of Daleks and Cybermen wandering the void (assumedly killing each other) waiting for the next breach in the rift or transporter accident (sorry, wrong show) to bring them all back again. Which is a shame. Doctor Who has it’s own fan base now which it’s built up over the last two series and a lot of those seven million people are new fans who don’t much care for the forty year back story. Do we need to keep bringing back the old bad guys anymore? Okay, it was fair enough to begin with just to set some continuity and appease the old guard, but now it’s strong enough to be original and to make a new history for itself. This generation needs it’s own monster to hide from and impersonate in the playground. The Daleks, Cybermen, Autons et al have served us well, but it’s time to look forwards to the creatures we’ve not yet met. As long as they aren’t designed by a nine-year-old, that is. Of course, a greater concern is the possibility of the return of Rose by the same means. Although, three years in the ‘other place’ did Mickey the world of good and he wasn’t at all annoying this time round. Quite the tough guy, in fact. So perhaps, Rose will loose the smug, ‘laugh in the face of danger’ attitude that she acquired over the last year. If she comes back a more humble and grown up person, then I’d welcome her back for a brief visit. He’s been around for 900 years and I think it’s starting to show There was some lovely dialogue in this episode. When the Daleks first saw the Doctor on the monitor and one of them registered the increases in Roses’ heart rate, I just loved Mickey’s dry, resigned aside "Tell me about it". Then there was Rose’s slightly cock-sure line to the Daleks, when she identified the Doctor, about them not worrying about a few million Cybermen, but they shake in their cases at the mention of the Doctor. And I actually laughed out loud at the exchange of looks between the Doctor and Mickey when Jackie claimed that there had been no one else in her life since Pete had died. I was moved, too, when at the end they declared their love for each other. Or at least Rose did, the words tellingly stuck in the Doctor’s throat, the tears only rolling down his cheek when he was alone and unobserved. He’s been around for 900 years and I think it’s starting to show. He’s appears unable to open himself up to anybody because he knows that it won’t last. That it can’t last. Back in School Reunion, he called it the Curse of the Time Lords and I can quite see his point. He is alone in the universe with only momentary flashes brightness and life to punctuate his suffering. Poor chap. This was a very well written episode and even most of the science made sense. Or at least as much sense as crossing between universes using a jumped up Speak and Spell can make. There are only two actual complaints that I have about this episode. One was the overuse of the ‘From here to Eternity’ rushing into each other’s arms shot. Once was too many to be honest, but to reprise the shot at the end of the show was just too much. It would have been far more effective if Jackie had walked up quietly behind her daughter and laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder or something. It would have been subtle, understated and more in keeping with the gravity of the scene. But, what do I know? The other slight problem is the Yvonne Cyberman. Now I though the concept of either Torchwood training or her own loyalty to the cause was very well done. She went into the upgrade chamber thinking only that she did her duty and that overlying impulse to continue to carry out her orders was her one driving impulse, even after Cyber-conversion. Excellent, great idea. But what was with the tear? From a purely practical point of view, why would Cybermen be designed with a tear duct that could leak oil? Or, assuming that it was just a coincidental leak, what are they odds that a brand new Cyberman would spring a leak in an appropriate place just at the height of a dramatic moment? That was just a bit too much for me. However, I must point out that the crying Cyberman idea was not without precedent. I have a strong memory of a Doctor Who comic strip from many years ago the final frame of which showed a Cyberman, who I want to call Kroton, sitting on a rock crying to himself. (Post writing note: Now that it’s cooled down enough to use the PC, I just Googled my hunch and came up with this link which shows how far I’ve fallen behind in the extended universe goings on with the good Doctor. I was right in that my cry-baby Cyberman was called Kroton but hadn’t been aware that he’s made something of a comeback in the intervening years) So there we have it. A very long and positive review of one of the best, certainly the most exciting, episodes of the season. I’m now very much looking forward to the Christmas episode (even if they have stolen the title from a Julia Roberts/Richard Gere movie) and seeing how the Doctor recovers from losing Rose and how he hooks up with the new girly – Whose name I fear I have already forgotten. Then of course, there’s the triumphant return of Captain Jack in Torchwood (man I am going to be so upset if it’s rubbish). It’s going to an exciting time and all I have to keep me going until then is my fact filled Doctor Who Technical Manual. Well, on the plus side, I’ve already found it to be a great support in these troubled times.
sin of resting on a book to write. Not just any book! Oh No! This is the 1983 "Official Anniversary Volume" of the Doctor Who Technical Manual. It’s not too thick but is a comfortable A4 size, so I can write on my lap with greater ease. It just seemed an appropriate choice, having just watched an episode with Daleks, Cybermen, the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver in it. Thanks to this amazing manual, I can now build my own TARDIS and can give you the measurements of three types of Dalek (Types I, III & IV), three type of Cybermen (Types I, II & V) and the Sonic Screwdriver. Although using the scale provided this does appear to be two metres in length.
wore around their necks reminded me so much of the old MB Game that I wash expecting them to light up and beep whenever they were pressed. They weren’t exactly subtle either, were they? You’d have thought for a secret organisation that Torchwood could have come up with something slightly less eye-catching that a large plastic yellow button that you hang round your neck. They could have at least painted them a less garish colour.
Lay-dees annnnd Gen-tel-men. Welcome to the MFI Warehouse for the battle of the millennia, the tussle of Torchwood. In the gold corner, spouting their usual shite, standing 4 foot 3 inches, wearing the leopard skin briefs, are Skaro's finest, Th-eeeeee Da-leks. And in the silver corner, the pretenders to crown, standing 7 foot 9 inches in their stocking feet, are Th-eeeee Cy-ber-mennnnnnn.
Doomsday
Seconds Out. Round One.
And what's been touted as a battle bigger than Italy v France, for the World Goblet of Soccer Ball, ends up being little more than a bitch-slapping contest between two opposing catch-phrases that all ends in one almighty sucking incident. It might have been what every 8 year old in the country has been waiting for, Dalek on Cybermen action, gold on steel, but in reality it sounds about as stimulating as a metallurgist's wet dream. Ah yes, Ibsen. Be away with you and all this fanciful talk of alchemy, what I want is heavy metal on heavy metal - and I'm not talking about David Coverdale grappling with Ritchie Blackmore in a tussle over the last pack of Jaffa Cakes in Morrisons.
Delete this. Exterminate that. Upgrade your such-and-such. Elevate the other. And repeat.
"I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull"
If it wasn't bad enough, that the BBC failed to keep the Black Dalek under wraps, the Genesis Ark actually turned up in an edition of Holby City having been involved in a well telegraphed accident involving an badly maintained Ford Capri and a mobile Mr Whippy van. And then there was the Cybermen's weaponry upgrade that's been on display for the past 13 weeks in the titles of Totally Doctor Who. Idiots.
Rather interestingly the Cybermen's pitiful shooters appear to have two settings; maximum destruction, in the case of the car on the bridge, and a mild tingle, in the case of the solider on the bridge. And their all-purposes chest thump is really starting to get on my tits. It appears to control absolutely everything, just like those one-for-all remote control replacements. A single thump to the chest and you're downloading files. Another thump and communication channels are open. Another and your groinal area has just become exposed for regular cleaning. Wonder if they have special attachments to remove the day-to-day grime and grease build up that inevitably follows a hard day's upgrading. Another thump and you're informed of unknown technology in the sphere chamber. Imagine their surprise when all they find is a George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin' Machine.
Seconds Out. Round Two.
Dalek, meet Cybermen. A metallic Mexican standoff. Cybermen appear to have all but the emotion of vanity removed as they proclaim their superior design. At which point the Dalek should have started taking the piss out of their cloth-faced ancestors, grating the word "Excellent" whilst offering them some gold coins. Instead they just come over all Saxondale about pest control. They might look like a Rascal van on it's end but I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull.
The "conversation" that these two species have has all the resonance and linguistic bantering of two brain head muscle headed heavyweight boxers squaring up for a weigh-in before a big fight. All that posturing. All that machismo. Generally tends to end in severe disappointment, especially when you've stayed up till half three to catch the pay-per-view with naught but a rapidly congealing rat shit topped pizza for company. Still, at least a toppling Cyberman was quite some sight. As was Cyber head explosion. Spunk everywhere. Again.
"That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole."
Apparently the Daleks require one of the two time travelers alive, to activate the Ark. Something about traveling in time means you soak up all this background smugness. And there's nothing more pompous or smug than Time Lord technology. They were streets ahead in that field. You couldn't walk round the Pizzaland themed areas of the Capitol without hearing even the walls audibly sigh with smug satisfaction. That's why Gallifrey had to go - there was too much smug matter in the Universe and eventually it all folded in on itself.
Leaping from parallel Earth to parallel Earth, or sliding if you will, should have been accompanied by the Inferno effect of the glitter ball spinning. Those where the days, when travel really was difficult. All you've got to do now is sling a lemon curd tart round your neck and press. The bleeding heart liberals have been at it on parallel Earth cos they said that the Cybermen shouldn't be walled up because they're living beings. Bloody Guardian reading sandal wearing lentil munchers. That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole.
It's left to Mickey to fall against the shitcasket, which is revealed to be a Time Lord prison. Even more cramped conditions than in one of Her Maj's, just don't bend down to pick up the soap in the shower otherwise you'll be anally intruded by a plunger from the butch looking Dalek called Fifi.
Seconds Out. Round Three.
As hot death rains down across That London the Doctor finally fesses up to why he's wearing 3D spec and whilst he's blathering on about just how goddamn bleedin' clever he is there are people dying on the streets. And hatches a plan that entails turning Torchwood Tower into the largest vacuum cleaner in the world, sucking in anything steeped in void stuff. That should not only clear out all Daleks and Cybermen but also pull in all vapid air headed reality TV contestants and wannabes with a complete void between the ears. And it also means that everyone's favourite smug cock-er-ney time is up too. So it's win win win.
And as disgruntled fans are braying for her death (and more than the merest snatch of JPG) she and the Doctor reverse the polarity, switching the void from blow to suck, and start cleaning up the city. Rose could, of course, have survived the climactic scene by simply extending her overbite over the lever instead of leaving the securing anchor of the magna-clamp. But for some inexplicable reason Pete reappeared at just the right point in time and space to grab her. Pity.
And to think, that on that Norwegian beach, 5 months later, the Doctor vanished before he could call her a smug get...
The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Doomsday: the effect when the void closed was actually modeled on the pile of kleenex required to mop up the fan-boy excitement when the Daleks made their appearance at the end of the last episode. It's such a persistent stain.
So Rose did die in Doomsday after all. Well kind of, not dead in the in-little-bits-like-Adric-at-the-end-of-Earthshock way but dead in terms of our universe. I guess that as Rose would never leave the Doctor voluntarily, that was really the only way that it could have been done.
I did sort of guess that Rose would have been rescued once she was about to fall into the void but how on Earth did Pete manage to rescue Rose and avoid them both being pulled into the void? I guess that is a question that will never be answered, and perhaps it doesn’t matter, because it was a brilliantly dramatic moment.
One thing that I noticed was that there was no cliffhanger resolve again; it just sort of carried on. Can’t these people write cliffhangers any more? This is only a minor gripe though and did not really impinge on my enjoyment of the episode as whole. I really enjoyed Doomsday and there are quite a few things that I really did enjoy such as the Daleks and Cybermen playground talk: You will identify yourselves first, no you will identify yourselves etc. Nick Briggs obviously having the time of his life throughout the episode. The Dalek’s considering themselves to be the superior race was also good. Pest Control indeed.
The episode was pretty much a re-write of The Parting of Ways: we got the death (well sort of) of a major character and a comedy cameo at the end of the episode leading into the Christmas special.
I have never before heard the Cybermen referred to as pests before but I guess the Daleks who do consider themselves to be the greatest life form in the galaxy would think that of other races. I also love the fact that they can be so confident, that just four Daleks will be enough to destroy 5 million Cybermen. That was a great line and made me laugh and was sort of a reference back to the earlier Dalek stories where there were only a few Daleks but were made to look as if there were hundreds of them. In this case there was just four Daleks! I also liked the idea of the Dalek’s having names. I did, at first, think that one of them might have been called Dave but sadly it wasn’t!
When the Genesis Ark turned out to be a dimensionally transcendental prison, I was so glad that it wasn’t Davros, or the Hand of Omega (which I did think it might have been when it was revealed to be of Time Lord engineering rather than of Dalek. That would have been a “throw things at the television” moment but in the end it turned out to be a punch the air moment, a moment that made you go wow.
I loved the moment when Pete and Jackie got back together. That was a lovely moment and was just what Jackie deserved after all she had been through. I knew that it wouldn’t be that popular with a lot of fans, as emotions have no part in Who, apparently.
I can’t say that I was that sad at the end when Rose was stuck in the parallel universe, or that sad about the Doctor losing Rose. Call me heartless if you like but I was more moved by Pete and Jackie being happy. Perhaps it is because I have really taken a dislike to the characters of Rose and Doctor or something but it was a beautifully written scene and the pan across the faces of Pete, Jackie and Mickey said it all.
It did seem a bit strange that Rose would rather die than remain in the alternative universe with her now reunited family. I suppose that shows that she was not the Rose Tyler we met way back in Rose.
Mickey was also good in the episode, I loved the bit when he dived to the floor and grabbed that big gun. He had definitely grown since we first saw him and it is definitely a shame that it is probably the last time we will see him.
Graeme Harper’s direction was superb. I just love the way how he often will only show parts of the Daleks or the Cybermen i.e. an eye stalk, a cyber arm, a close up of the tear-drop eye etc. It certainly makes for a visually interesting concoction.
The ending had a touch of the deus-ex-machina about it, but at least it was signposted earlier on rather than just appearing at the end of the episode like in The Sand Pit.
The episode was pretty much a re-write of The Parting of Ways: we got the death (well sort of) of a major character and a comedy cameo at the end of the episode leading into the Christmas special.
It’s just a shame that they didn’t announce the new companion until now, if only just to see the furore that would have unfolded on the forums at that final scene in the episode.
The reappearance of Jake was a little bit pointless to be honest, he hardly had anything to do and I half expected him to die. Indeed, once they were all back in the alternative universe he was soon forgotten about.
In general Doomsday worked and it did exactly what a good season finale should do, it was exciting, epic, action-packed, emotional. There are quite a few questions left unanswered such as did the Cybermen created in our universe get pulled into the void? How did Cyber-Yvonne manage to break free of her programming so much when none of the other seemed to do? Did any other Daleks other than the Black one manage to escape the void? I am pretty sure this is not the end of the Daleks. Much like in The Evil of the Daleks, we will see them again in a couple of years I am sure.
I actually enjoyed the ending; it was the most surprising thing to happen in the episode. I never, in a month of Sundays expected that to happen. It’s just a shame that they didn’t announce the new companion until now, if only just to see the furore that would have unfolded on the forums at that final scene in the episode. As it is, some people have already decided not to watch the Christmas special. In the words of Mr. T “I pity the fools”.
The Doctor Who Bumper Book of Made-up Facts has this to say about Doomsday: The scene of the Doctor crying was achieved by the director stealing David Tennant’s water pistol and not letting him have it back until the end of filming that day.
I was talking to a Norwegian friend last night and happened to mention that I'd learnt some of her language on Saturday. 'Darlig', I said. 'Dorlig', she corrected me (it has a little circle over the 'a', apparently.
When I told her the context she laughed. 'It sounds like someone just looked in a Norwegian dictionary,' she said. 'It doesn't mean "Bad Wolf Bay", it means "not very good Wolf Bay", anyway, "Bad Wolf Bay" doesn't make sense at all'.
Apparently, the name isn't one that would be thought of in Norwegian (if I understood her correctly) but if it were, it would be something like 'Ondulvbukta', 'ond' meaning 'evil', 'ulv' being 'wolf' and 'bukta' being 'bay'.
Dorlig means 'bad' as in 'poor quality' which, ironically, is maybe an adjective that could be used to describe a great deal of season 2 - flashes of brilliance (Fireplace, Lantern, Impossible Planet, Ghosts), some 'almost there' moments (Tooth, Reunion, Rise, Satan Pit) and some lemons (New Earth, Love & Monsters, Fear Her). Even the good episodes had let-down moments, mainly due to the hamminess of the lead actors, the illogicality of some of the scenarios (the 'ghosts' in Army of Ghosts, for example, the crying Cyberman in Doomsday).
Last year I hated Eccleston, loved Piper. This year I found myself hating both the Doctor and Rose but I think it's important to separate actors from scripts here: the mood swings were scripted, not improvised, and I got the distinct sense that someone somewhere was ladling on the 'so what' attitude to create a bigger fall at season's end. It wasn't needed (Doomsday would have been as dramatic without it, probably more so in fact, given that when Rose 'died' part of me was rather glad - how much worse would it have been if she hadn't been so irritating (see 'Impossible Planet' and 'Love & Monsters') that I would have gladly pushed her into the void with my own hands.)
Doomsday, emotional ending aside, was a bit of a let down when you subject it to analysis. The showdown between the Daleks and Cybermen was inconsequential, the Cybermen were quickly sidelined as anything other than figures at the end of corridors to run away from and shoot in the back.
As someone else pointed out, Daleks and Cybermen actually work better in small numbers. Revenge of the Cybermen was a far more effective story for having a small contingent with a single purpose, and Genesis of the Daleks scared me witless as a kid with just a few of the damn things. Somehow having millions just makes the threat less, well, threatening.
Here the Cybermen painted themselves as liberators and seemingly just stood around or visited people in their homes. (More evidence of RTD's numeracy problems here: he quite happily sets a story five billion years in the future, a staggeringly huge number, and then only gives us five million cybermen to take over a population of six billion - given those numbers, the occupation of the Docklands housing estate was a poor use of 'manpower', as was the way in which several hundred spent several hours simply standing in front of the Taj Mahal.
There were, as with all RTD scripts (and, indeed, most of this year's episodes) appalling inconsistencies that any decent script editor with equally decent autonomy should have sorted. Just working out how much time it would take for several million Daleks to fly through the eye of a needle would have made anyone realise that it would have been a couple of days before the job would be complete. For me, the fact that according to the Doctor the contents of the sphere exist nowhere meant that none of the Daleks should have had 'void stuff' on them at all as, technically, they were never in it. I could go on (the levers, for crying out loud - why have great big F.O. levers?!? Why not just a simple button, or a switch or something?) but I won't. I actually enjoyed the last two episodes.
Here comes the big question. On OG's bloopers and gaffes forum on Sunday night someone mentioned a physical impossibility as a gaffe when someone else, obviously failing to spot the title of the thread, said that it was odd that someone couldn't accept such a thing but could accept the premise of a guy who travels through time and changes his appearance every so often.
For me, there are things about Doctor Who that are acceptably 'absurd', and these are the central concepts of the show. But science fiction needs to be scientifically accurate or potentially accurate, and drama itself needs to be well plotted, well-written and not reliant on happy conveniences like sonic screwdrivers, 3D specs and giant levers.
You can enjoy Doctor Who if you ignore the faults, (so I wonder why people who do so bother to come to sites like this one) but as I and many others have said, the really annoying thing about Doctor Who is that the faults are so easy to sort out.
Like the translation of 'bad' as 'darlig', for example.
Let's hope that season three is the one where scripts start being edited. Imagine if the analysis that goes on here went on in Cardiff instead, before the cameras rolled. We'd have nothing to whinge about.
Oh hang on... Where's the fun in that?
Season 2 has been a bumpy ride. There’s been a lot to forgive. Sometimes we all need a little forgiveness. On Saturday Doctor Who was redeemed. Past mistakes are forgiven.
Russell delivers the goods, not only with a normal dismissive waive of the hand but a proper piece of sci-fi. There is logic behind his ideas and when the truth about the Genesis Ark was revealed I was amazed. It made sense!
It took guts to break a taboo and pitch the show’s greatest villains against each other. It then took sheer bloody mindedness to ignore this ultimate confrontation. When those Daleks rose from the Sphere I was jumping up. The Daleks were back! The pepper-pots had returned and looked better than ever. Then it’s over in 20 minutes.
It’s only fair Rose gets a proper send-off. Things may have become terse recently but she’s still the same wonderful character as she ever was. A companion in a million needed the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful scene possible and she got it.
We have waited a long time for Murray gold to settle down and for the last ten minutes, finally does he not only produce something which is OK, or good, but a piece of music which is brilliant. Part Bad Wolf theme, part pop ballad it grabs you by the throat and screams – “Cry dammit! CRY!” without resorting to the clichéd minor key piano. Those raw violins coupled with Flavia’s crooning play the heartstrings like a banjo. (The music is available on the BBC hompage currently but I have a recording so if anyone is interested just e-mail me and I can send it to you.)
It’s the goodbye SJS never had. Things turned out well for Rose. She has her old life back, only a better version. Yet still she hadn’t said goodbye; when she does it’s a highpoint for the season. Who wouldn’t travel to the ends of the Earth for the person they loved? Billie Piper ended her Who career in fine style and we shalln’t remember the bad times, but the wonderful ones, like when she stands on that beach. I’ve wanted to love David Tennant’s Doctor and come close at times. Finally, this is a character to love.
And then, still wiping his tears from his eyes our hero carries on with his solitary life defending the uni – wtf?! Catherine “I’m not in the least bit funny” Tate? In a bridal gown? Oh well. That looks... light hearted. but why the worst “comedienne” on the beeb? Perhaps the answer will lie at the bottom of this year’s Christmas stocking.
Roll on Torchwood!
So that's it! The end of an ear-ache! Although given the lethal combination of the impact that New Who's longest-serving cast member has made on the programme and Rusty's tendency to show slushy loyalty to his actors, she was never really going to die, was she?
Like the leading character in that recent ITV two-parter featuring a pre-Who David Tennant, who's gravestone was shown at the beginning, this two-parter also started with a false sense of giving the game away. Rose HAD died insofar as this unverse was concerned; furthermore, a very large part of Rose Tyler had died forever when she was disconnected from the Doctor, and she was certainly afforded an epic departure akin to a Meatloaf ballad. And beautifully handled it was too. The beach scene was TARDIS-ful of emotion and provided a dignified finale for Rose even if I personally would have preferred her to have drifted into a longing beachside madness where she just couldn't 'let go' ala Nicole Kidman at the climax of Birth, or even woken up screaming away her nightmares like Amy Irving's character at the end of Carrie. But hey, that would have been far too dark for New Who.
So instead Rusty decided to put on a Live 8-type concert for his soon-to-be dearly departed as she lay on her metaphorical death bed. No need for a Who re-union - this was the real Parting Of The Ways, but where Mr Geldof played Henry Kissinger to regenerate Daltrey and Co as well as The Floyd, the probably soon-to-be Sir Rusty revived those other monsters of rock we never truly believed we'd seen the last of...laydeez and gennelmen, for the first time on the same bill...Daleks and Pet Shop Cybermen!
And having psyched myself up for the inevitable shoot-em-up shit, it was more bearable than it could've been. The learning that one Dalek can take any number of PSCs at least added a touch of reality to proceedings - never again must the Doctor be seen to soil his pants at the mention of the PSC words. This end-of-term concert was rather better than last term's TPOTWays insofar as at least the bullshit made some kind of sense to me; Ways' Rose-is-Bad-Wolf finale was Jacksons beyond belief but this at least was plausible sci-fi - and touchingly so, too. Indeed, given the cleverness of the final parting location, I feel that last year's two-parter titles would have been better employed to this finale. If Davies really did have this as Rose's final departure location then how much more kudos and applause does he deserve! Somehow, one feels that this was merely an afterthought!
I personally despise the all-new flying Daleks, especially when they all fly in uniform, and have mentioned before how Rusty cannot grasp the concept of less-is-more. Like souped-up versions of classic cars, for all their power etcetera they just lack that retro class of their forefather models which is so indefinable. For those classic numbers, read the sheer characteristics that were the Daleks of Genesis compared to today's tediously mass-produced versions. Having said that, I was still relieved to find that the Genesis Arc contained millions of the flying fuckers and not Phil Collins nor their creator - the legendary Davros, if and when he does return (and surely he MUST) deserves a two-parter of his own and not be made to share the stage with all and sundry.
So Rose Tyler's very own tribute concert concluded with that rarest of sitings - Doctor Who's Lonely Hearts Club TARDIS for all of a few brief hours before the fast mover took a bride in what is thematically becoming a Tubular Bellsian interlinking of storylines, not to say shameless plug number whatever. Darius had long since been a confirmed booking on the concert bill as the Doctor increasingly relies on his bloody X-Factor Machine to escape the improbable. But hark!, there's someone missing. The bandwagon that is the Rose Tyler farewell gig has room for one more aboard and in the distance there is a faint voice crying 'Rose'. The call is followed over land and sea (I presume showing the Tyler clan queueing for the cross-channel ferry was deemed not sexy enough for transmission) until the voice is at its clearest on a haunting desolate beach. The piano starts to play and the breaking solemn voice starts a singing..."Good-Bye England's Rose..."
First, let me state that the Catherine Tate bit at the end is entirely irrelevant - just a set-up for Xmas. Don't care that it broke the mood a bit, I was still drying my tears at that point.
Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster. The Dalek vs Cybermen stuff was awesome, and I'll deal with plot-holes later, but hats of to RTD for daring such an ending, with unexpected happiness - Pete and Jackie being together again - and Rose's misery, but also with her dying in such a way as to allow for comebacks.
Now the niggles. How come Yvonne could resist Cyberisation? Was the process interrupted by the Daleks? My suspicion is that RTD didn't want her to have no redeeming features whatsoever - the reason that Gene Roddenberry didn't like the Romulans. Why did the Time Lords imprison millions of Daleks rather than destroying them? Well, that leads to a point:
the Doctor owes an enormous debt to the universe for failing - as Tom Baker - to destroy them at birth. He seems fated to pay by defeating them throughout eternity (and come on RTD - who are the eternals), but always at great cost to lives of others. perhaps RTD is planning to deal with this.
A Dalek sect? Possible. Could arise from the pro and anti Davros times, or could arise from early in the process of creating the Daleks, where individuality hadn't been totally erased. Otherwise such individuality could only ever be imaginary and nothing could be learned from it.
However, the question of why Cybermen created in an alternate world should resemble Mondas cybermen is still problematical.But there is a strong element of fate running through RTD's work, so we'll have to see.
As for Catherine Tate, well, like her or not, at least we know she won't be the new companion. No wonder they announced Freema Agyeman's role during the week, people would have been SCREAMING!
7.7m (43% share)
1.52m (63% share) for the under-16s
Thoughts? Ideas? Should dip over 8 million in the official figures which is pretty stupendous. I'm interested that we haven't had a recommission announcement yet but with a share like that on a summer Saturday can we expect adventures in time and space for years to come?
Well, that was unexpected.
No, I'm not talking about Rose's departure (I think I nailed that), I am of course referring to the left field cliffhanger featuring Catherine 'fuck off' Tate. Never in the history of lite-entertainment has a comedienne sported a more appropriate catchphrase. I can see the press release now: "We've always been a fan of Catherine and we've been looking for an opportunity to invite her to Cardiff for ages. Catherine is a very serious actress. Honestly. Hooray!"
Just when you think the season will end with a poignant and moody coda, which would have been the perfect antidote to a season peppered with bouts of insufferable smugness, we get a leaked copy of the 'BBC Christmas Tape' instead. Like Cannon and Ball gatecrashing a wake, it's just wrong. Stunt casting gone mad - piss-poor pantomime when we deserved a profound postscript. Do you honestly believe that people will be running up to each other at the water cooler on Monday morning to discuss how many tissues they went through as Rose blubbed her heart out (or, if you are a fanboy, when the Daleks and Cybermen started to kick arse)? No, they'll be prattling on about her! Catherine 'fuck off!' Tate! A woman who will always been known as "the one who does the school girl who's a bit like Vicky Pollard".
Yes, I am bothered. Thanks for asking.
"She was the noblest Romana of them all. Fuck me! It's Mrs Slocombe! What the hell are you doing here?"
See! See!
Well, that's the last 60 seconds ripped to shreds - what about the preceding 2,580?
Just when you think the season will end with a poignant and moody coda we get a leaked copy of the BBC Christmas Tape instead. Like Cannon and Ball gatecrashing a wake, it's just wrong.
Daleks V Cybermen = comedy gold. Epic in scope, epic in scale and epic in silliness. I loved the playground bickering ("No, you hang up first") and the Daleks even manage to crack a joke ("It is pest control!") - and I was whooping with glee throughout. The gag about there only being four Daleks was priceless and the battle of the catchphrases should be set to a jungle back-beat (or whatever it is the kids are listening to these days) and released as a single.
Oh, and the Daleks kicked the synthetic shit out of the Cybermen; just as it should be. The black Dalek even manages to escape. Book your next appointment with him for July 2007, kids, when he'll probably be operated by some talentless hack from Titty Titty Bang Bang!.
Tennant just about passes the Dalek test, but whereas the 9th Doctor afforded them a modicum of respect (which made them all the more scary) the 10th is predictably cocky, sarcastic and - sigh - smug. Rose, on the other hand, wipes the floor with them. A stand-out moment from this series has to be her marvellously assured put-down of Zark (or whatever the hell its name was). Wonderful stuff. Follow that, Martha.
Sadly, John Paul Green was rubbish is this episode. However, to give him his due, he was clearly out of his depth in this "alternative" role because he had to pretend to have a girlfriend. And you thought non-corporeal Cybermen starring in episodes of EastEnders between invasions was a difficult concept to swallow...
Unfortunately, the plot doesn't really stand-up to much scrutiny, despite the script's repeated attempts at papering over the super-massive cracks. A perfect example of this occurs when the Doctor raises the thorny problem of the Cybermen taking 3 years to transport themselves between realities when everyone else can zip back and forth willy nilly. Pre-empting half a dozen Outpost Gallifrey threads, the Doctor conveniently brushes it under the carpet with a quick "It must be the (cough) gobbledygook (cough)".
So ignore the flaws and wallow in the spectacle instead. There's plenty to wallow in: Daleks swarming over London, Cybermen camped out in Cardiff, and a close-quarters gunfight that was so exciting it made me feel quite dizzy. It's a shame that it has to end in tears.
Sean's completely right - it's an incredibly long good-bye. Seven relentless minutes of shameless heart tugging and throat-lumping because... you... will... CRY. Dammit!
And dammit, I did. Because it's a bugger, innit?
The moment where the Doctor and Rose are separated by a wall and an entire universe my bottom lip started to go. Until the wife pointed out that it reminded her of a sexless version of The Wicker Man (you know, the bit with the stunt-arse). "Even the music is the same," she pointed out as Murray found the 'Folksy' button on his Casio keyboard.
It's a bittersweet denouement. There are echoes of Sarah Jane - Rose doesn't have a choice and she's literally dumped against her will - but while SJS took a reserved and stoic approach to her predicament Rose breaks down. And it's heartbreaking. When Tennant gave his Han Solo response to Rose's plaintive declaration of love I was in bits.
Billie will be a tough act to follow, tougher even than Eccleston. But she had to go and it felt right. The Tylers are back together again; Rose is a defender of the Earth with her loyal lap-dog by her side; and the door remains open for future appearances (impossible, my arse). And if this show is still going in five years time (and the general public certainly seem to be lapping it up) then I'll stake my life on Rose Tyler turninng up again, clad head-to-toe in leather and toting a BFG, in a cliffhanger so unbelievably fantastic Russell will give it away in a trailer two weeks before it airs. If The Sun doesn't get there first, of course.
But don't worry, the cameo by Ricky Gervais will remain shrouded in secrecy until transmission.
R.I.P. Rose (Rest In Parallel)
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about 'Doomsday': Big Finish have already managed to secure the rights to produce a series of 10th Doctor adventures that will be set in the gap between the Doctor crying and him drying his eyes.
And that's it for another year. Thanks again to all the regular reviewers on this blog for making this place a lively - and occasionally contentious - place to be. I'm off to Italy for a week to see some ageing rockers. When I get back we'll have our annual 20 Questions Poll, the results of our Season 2 competition and I'll be outlining the upcoming viewing schedule (including Stripped Down Phooaarrrr!)
Until then, all together now: 'Our show, that art in production..."
