"Ten years from now we'll get the Myrka bitch-slapping some Sensorites..."
Tachyon TV present an alternative, tongue-in-cheek DVD commentary to Doomsday.
Topics up for discussion this week include: Celebrity Doctor Who Wrestling, Mickey's alternative lifestyle, RTD's Thay Agenda, the return of Tony Barks, lemon curd transmats, John Paul's CGI girlfriend, and the Tyler's first convention.
It’s too hot for my PC. Almost as soon as I turn it on, the fans are straining to breaking point – Even though I put an extra one in at the beginning of summer. So, I’m writing this long hand and will have to decipher my writing and meaning once it cools down enough to type this up. Why am I telling you this? Well in preserving the life of my computer, I am committing the heinous So, armed with a screwdriver of Quarter-staff proportions, let’s talk about Doomsday. Blimey, that was some good telly! They had a mid-season slump but pulled out of it with a tremendous double part season finale. Wow! Which is all I have to say, really. Okay, I suppose that there were a couple of things that I could mention, as I’m here. I make it a point not to read any other reviews before I write my own (although afterwards I spend many hours kicking myself saying, "Why didn’t you think of that?") so I apologise if this is just so much repetition, but… Four Daleks and a Pictionary board Firstly I owe J Salem Gourley an apology for making him doubt his sanity. In my last post I claimed that there were three Daleks in the void sphere and JSG said that there were four. As it turns out there were four – so well spotted. I could never get on with counting on more than one hand so didn’t get past three. Thinking about it, it does make much more sense having four Daleks in there – I mean, you can’t play Pictionary with three very well, can you? Charades would be no good – You could never have more than two words and then you’d be limited to miming words like up, down, left, right and wiggle. I may be being a little innocent here, but I can’t think of too many book or film titles that have the words up, down and wiggle in them. Equally, eye-spy would be right out the window, too (Not that there were any windows in the sphere, of course). I can picture it now – "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with D-e-e-e-e!" "Dal-ek!" "Correct. Your go-o-o-o" "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with G-e-e-e-e!" "Genesis Ar-r-r-r-r-k!" "Correct. Your go-o-o-o" "Eye Spy, with my little eye-Stalk, something beginning with D-e-e-e-e!" After about three rounds of that and they’d be shooting each other just to put an end to it. So, Russel T Davies was right, it was far more sensible and much better plot-wise to have four Daleks and a Pictionary board. Actually, who decided that it was called a Genesis Ark in the first place? It was a prison ship containing millions of Daleks, so I don’t know why the Time Lords would have thought the name Genesis would have been appropriate. They’d have come up with a suitably vague acronym like MUDPIE (Multi-Use Dalek Prison Impound Engine) and left it at that. So, if not the Time Lords, it must mean that it was the Alternative Daleks that came up with the name. When I say alternative, I don’t mean it in the Alexi Sayle way. These are new wave Daleks. When the Doctor started talking about the amended thought processes I immediately assumed that these were left over from the Dalek civil war that Doctor 2 started waaaaay back in 1967 in The Evil of the Daleks. I thought that perhaps these were some of the Humanised Daleks that had hidden away from the fighting in a big ball. But apparently they were an offshoot of the original idea of free thinking Daleks who were to start the new race of Super Dalek. Or whatever the plan was. Still alternative or not, they were your typical alien on Earth. They’d not been here for more than a couple of hours before they start talking about probes! And the Doctor really shouldn’t be so modest in his claims that it’s not a probe but a screwdriver. At last, we find out that there are three things that a Sonic Screwdriver can’t do – Kill, wound or maim! Although I’m sure if he looked at the instructions the settings would be there. There is one other thing that I don’t recall seeing the Sonic Screwdriver ever doing, namely tightening or loosening screws! He doesn’t even need to stand next to doors to ‘unlock’ them anymore. They just explode inwards at a single click. Actually, weren’t those doors all sealed? Wasn’t Rose in terrible trouble at the end of Army of Ghosts because she was locked in a sealed room with the Daleks? How come the Dalek managed to wander through the door without unsealing anything? Do they perhaps have their own sonic probes? The posturing and banter was new for the Dalek race, too. I can only assume that this was part of the alternative stand up routine. "There is one way in which you are superior…Dying". You just shouldn’t get posturing, one-upmanship like that from them. They’re all zap, zap, zappity, zap "We win! Who’s up for charades?" without any need to boast about it. I can only hope that the five million Daleks that were in the Genesis Ark were ‘normal’. How did they recognise the fact that the Doctor was an enemy simply by seeing him on the screen in the background? He wasn’t even wearing his 3D Specs at that point, although that would only make them worry for his sanity rather than their safety. Perhaps there’s some kind of racial memory by now – Anybody that happens to stand around in slightly odd clothing and pays attention gets their notice. Do they have their own ‘stranger danger’ awareness sessions aimed at recognising this type of foe? Abandoned Dalek husks lying in smoking ruins I seem to be picking on the Daleks a bit here, don’t I? Oh well, they’re ‘ard - they can take it. I remember saying that I had reservations about the battle between Daleks and Cybermen. It would appear that my concerns were justified. Just like in Alien Vs Predator we didn’t get to see much in the way of battles. I wanted pitched battles across continents with abandoned Dalek husks lying in smoking ruins and Cybermen ripping the lids off before being consumed in fire and melting on their enemies. You know that sort of thing. Picture the beginning of Terminator 2 where the Terminator stamps on the human skull – I wanted that to happen here. A Cyberman’s hissing, piston stomp smashing down through the discarded lid of a Dalek. Battles on a massive scale with cybernetic bits and bobs being blown to pieces with the plucky humans fighting on the sideline for survival. Instead we get a few flying pepperpots zapping from on high and Cybermen just taking it. It was not so much mano-e-mano as mano-e-mouse. I was disappointed with that. And whilst we’re on the subject of disappointment, there was a brief moment when I thought that He was back. The Cyber Leader and Doctor were talking about the weakness of emotion and then the Doctor pipes up with the existence of hope before a squad of a black clad soldiers pop into being and start shooting. For a wonderful, fleeting moment I thought, "It’s the Cardiff contingent of Torchwood come to save the day. Captain Jack’s back!" and it turned out to be Mickey’s ‘companion’ that we last saw heading off for a City Break in Paris. I would have preferred Captain Jack. And since when did Simon Says get a dimension travel level? Those round yellow buttons that they Not such a Mr Smug Pants Know-It-All It was good to see the Doctor being out of his depth a bit, too. There’s all this technology around that he either knows nothing about or claims to be impossible. He not such a Mr Smug Pants Know-It-All anymore, which I rather liked. Last week he claimed that the Void Sphere was a theoretical impossibility and this week he had no idea what the Genesis Ark was and claimed that the Simon Says buttons were impossible, too. Whereas before he’d have known everything about everything without pause for thought (except having to read up about werewolves in Tooth and Claw – Would that have been a paws for thought?) now he’s floundering and wondering where everybody "gets those wonderful toys". Here’s a question somebody might like to answer. Who did build the impossible Void Sphere? Was it another Time Lord construct that the Daleks just happened to steal whilst they were also nicking the Genesis Ark? Where did it come from? At least it was the Doctor that got rid of the bad guys this time. After taking a couple of weeks off from saving the day he’s back sucking everybody and everything that’s ever been in the alternative universe into the void. So what happened to all the Cybermen that were created on ‘our’ side of the void? They hadn’t been on any other planes of reality so wouldn’t have been drawn in. Unless, of course, the Cybermen bought all of the empty ‘suits’ with them when they came through from over there. You never know when you might need a change of clothes I suppose and that would certainly explain where they got all those Cybus Industry logos. Not that I remember seeing any Cyberdudes at all being pulled through the rift into the void, now that I come to think of it. There were a couple of shots of them being sucked up into the air from London streets and sightseeing at the Taj Mahal, but none of them seemed to make it to the rift. Just all those millions of Daleks being swept up very conveniently through the window of Torchwood Towers rather than following a straight line which would have made more sense. How did millions of Daleks get into the Genesis Ark in the first place? The opening was the exact size and shape of a Dalek (If we knew what model of Dalek they were, I could give you those measurements) so they must have gone in one at a time the same way they came out. If memory serves there were five million Daleks in there, and so it would have taken an awfully long time to ‘march’ them all in there. No wonder Time Lords need to live for a long time, they had to spend a few millennia counting Daleks. My only slight concern is that there are now millions of Daleks and Cybermen wandering the void (assumedly killing each other) waiting for the next breach in the rift or transporter accident (sorry, wrong show) to bring them all back again. Which is a shame. Doctor Who has it’s own fan base now which it’s built up over the last two series and a lot of those seven million people are new fans who don’t much care for the forty year back story. Do we need to keep bringing back the old bad guys anymore? Okay, it was fair enough to begin with just to set some continuity and appease the old guard, but now it’s strong enough to be original and to make a new history for itself. This generation needs it’s own monster to hide from and impersonate in the playground. The Daleks, Cybermen, Autons et al have served us well, but it’s time to look forwards to the creatures we’ve not yet met. As long as they aren’t designed by a nine-year-old, that is. Of course, a greater concern is the possibility of the return of Rose by the same means. Although, three years in the ‘other place’ did Mickey the world of good and he wasn’t at all annoying this time round. Quite the tough guy, in fact. So perhaps, Rose will loose the smug, ‘laugh in the face of danger’ attitude that she acquired over the last year. If she comes back a more humble and grown up person, then I’d welcome her back for a brief visit. He’s been around for 900 years and I think it’s starting to show There was some lovely dialogue in this episode. When the Daleks first saw the Doctor on the monitor and one of them registered the increases in Roses’ heart rate, I just loved Mickey’s dry, resigned aside "Tell me about it". Then there was Rose’s slightly cock-sure line to the Daleks, when she identified the Doctor, about them not worrying about a few million Cybermen, but they shake in their cases at the mention of the Doctor. And I actually laughed out loud at the exchange of looks between the Doctor and Mickey when Jackie claimed that there had been no one else in her life since Pete had died. I was moved, too, when at the end they declared their love for each other. Or at least Rose did, the words tellingly stuck in the Doctor’s throat, the tears only rolling down his cheek when he was alone and unobserved. He’s been around for 900 years and I think it’s starting to show. He’s appears unable to open himself up to anybody because he knows that it won’t last. That it can’t last. Back in School Reunion, he called it the Curse of the Time Lords and I can quite see his point. He is alone in the universe with only momentary flashes brightness and life to punctuate his suffering. Poor chap. This was a very well written episode and even most of the science made sense. Or at least as much sense as crossing between universes using a jumped up Speak and Spell can make. There are only two actual complaints that I have about this episode. One was the overuse of the ‘From here to Eternity’ rushing into each other’s arms shot. Once was too many to be honest, but to reprise the shot at the end of the show was just too much. It would have been far more effective if Jackie had walked up quietly behind her daughter and laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder or something. It would have been subtle, understated and more in keeping with the gravity of the scene. But, what do I know? The other slight problem is the Yvonne Cyberman. Now I though the concept of either Torchwood training or her own loyalty to the cause was very well done. She went into the upgrade chamber thinking only that she did her duty and that overlying impulse to continue to carry out her orders was her one driving impulse, even after Cyber-conversion. Excellent, great idea. But what was with the tear? From a purely practical point of view, why would Cybermen be designed with a tear duct that could leak oil? Or, assuming that it was just a coincidental leak, what are they odds that a brand new Cyberman would spring a leak in an appropriate place just at the height of a dramatic moment? That was just a bit too much for me. However, I must point out that the crying Cyberman idea was not without precedent. I have a strong memory of a Doctor Who comic strip from many years ago the final frame of which showed a Cyberman, who I want to call Kroton, sitting on a rock crying to himself. (Post writing note: Now that it’s cooled down enough to use the PC, I just Googled my hunch and came up with this link which shows how far I’ve fallen behind in the extended universe goings on with the good Doctor. I was right in that my cry-baby Cyberman was called Kroton but hadn’t been aware that he’s made something of a comeback in the intervening years) So there we have it. A very long and positive review of one of the best, certainly the most exciting, episodes of the season. I’m now very much looking forward to the Christmas episode (even if they have stolen the title from a Julia Roberts/Richard Gere movie) and seeing how the Doctor recovers from losing Rose and how he hooks up with the new girly – Whose name I fear I have already forgotten. Then of course, there’s the triumphant return of Captain Jack in Torchwood (man I am going to be so upset if it’s rubbish). It’s going to an exciting time and all I have to keep me going until then is my fact filled Doctor Who Technical Manual. Well, on the plus side, I’ve already found it to be a great support in these troubled times.
sin of resting on a book to write. Not just any book! Oh No! This is the 1983 "Official Anniversary Volume" of the Doctor Who Technical Manual. It’s not too thick but is a comfortable A4 size, so I can write on my lap with greater ease. It just seemed an appropriate choice, having just watched an episode with Daleks, Cybermen, the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver in it. Thanks to this amazing manual, I can now build my own TARDIS and can give you the measurements of three types of Dalek (Types I, III & IV), three type of Cybermen (Types I, II & V) and the Sonic Screwdriver. Although using the scale provided this does appear to be two metres in length.
wore around their necks reminded me so much of the old MB Game that I wash expecting them to light up and beep whenever they were pressed. They weren’t exactly subtle either, were they? You’d have thought for a secret organisation that Torchwood could have come up with something slightly less eye-catching that a large plastic yellow button that you hang round your neck. They could have at least painted them a less garish colour.
Lay-dees annnnd Gen-tel-men. Welcome to the MFI Warehouse for the battle of the millennia, the tussle of Torchwood. In the gold corner, spouting their usual shite, standing 4 foot 3 inches, wearing the leopard skin briefs, are Skaro's finest, Th-eeeeee Da-leks. And in the silver corner, the pretenders to crown, standing 7 foot 9 inches in their stocking feet, are Th-eeeee Cy-ber-mennnnnnn.
Doomsday
Seconds Out. Round One.
And what's been touted as a battle bigger than Italy v France, for the World Goblet of Soccer Ball, ends up being little more than a bitch-slapping contest between two opposing catch-phrases that all ends in one almighty sucking incident. It might have been what every 8 year old in the country has been waiting for, Dalek on Cybermen action, gold on steel, but in reality it sounds about as stimulating as a metallurgist's wet dream. Ah yes, Ibsen. Be away with you and all this fanciful talk of alchemy, what I want is heavy metal on heavy metal - and I'm not talking about David Coverdale grappling with Ritchie Blackmore in a tussle over the last pack of Jaffa Cakes in Morrisons.
Delete this. Exterminate that. Upgrade your such-and-such. Elevate the other. And repeat.
"I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull"
If it wasn't bad enough, that the BBC failed to keep the Black Dalek under wraps, the Genesis Ark actually turned up in an edition of Holby City having been involved in a well telegraphed accident involving an badly maintained Ford Capri and a mobile Mr Whippy van. And then there was the Cybermen's weaponry upgrade that's been on display for the past 13 weeks in the titles of Totally Doctor Who. Idiots.
Rather interestingly the Cybermen's pitiful shooters appear to have two settings; maximum destruction, in the case of the car on the bridge, and a mild tingle, in the case of the solider on the bridge. And their all-purposes chest thump is really starting to get on my tits. It appears to control absolutely everything, just like those one-for-all remote control replacements. A single thump to the chest and you're downloading files. Another thump and communication channels are open. Another and your groinal area has just become exposed for regular cleaning. Wonder if they have special attachments to remove the day-to-day grime and grease build up that inevitably follows a hard day's upgrading. Another thump and you're informed of unknown technology in the sphere chamber. Imagine their surprise when all they find is a George Foreman Lean Mean Grillin' Machine.
Seconds Out. Round Two.
Dalek, meet Cybermen. A metallic Mexican standoff. Cybermen appear to have all but the emotion of vanity removed as they proclaim their superior design. At which point the Dalek should have started taking the piss out of their cloth-faced ancestors, grating the word "Excellent" whilst offering them some gold coins. Instead they just come over all Saxondale about pest control. They might look like a Rascal van on it's end but I'd like to see them extinguish an infestation of roaches in a low rent pasty delivery company whilst reminiscing about the time they, and Def Leppard's Joey Elliot, where caught naked in a convent in Solihull.
The "conversation" that these two species have has all the resonance and linguistic bantering of two brain head muscle headed heavyweight boxers squaring up for a weigh-in before a big fight. All that posturing. All that machismo. Generally tends to end in severe disappointment, especially when you've stayed up till half three to catch the pay-per-view with naught but a rapidly congealing rat shit topped pizza for company. Still, at least a toppling Cyberman was quite some sight. As was Cyber head explosion. Spunk everywhere. Again.
"That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole."
Apparently the Daleks require one of the two time travelers alive, to activate the Ark. Something about traveling in time means you soak up all this background smugness. And there's nothing more pompous or smug than Time Lord technology. They were streets ahead in that field. You couldn't walk round the Pizzaland themed areas of the Capitol without hearing even the walls audibly sigh with smug satisfaction. That's why Gallifrey had to go - there was too much smug matter in the Universe and eventually it all folded in on itself.
Leaping from parallel Earth to parallel Earth, or sliding if you will, should have been accompanied by the Inferno effect of the glitter ball spinning. Those where the days, when travel really was difficult. All you've got to do now is sling a lemon curd tart round your neck and press. The bleeding heart liberals have been at it on parallel Earth cos they said that the Cybermen shouldn't be walled up because they're living beings. Bloody Guardian reading sandal wearing lentil munchers. That's what we need next, the Doctor to travel with a social worker who tries to see the good in everything, even when it's bearing down on them with a gigantic silver tooth about to rip them a new compassion hole.
It's left to Mickey to fall against the shitcasket, which is revealed to be a Time Lord prison. Even more cramped conditions than in one of Her Maj's, just don't bend down to pick up the soap in the shower otherwise you'll be anally intruded by a plunger from the butch looking Dalek called Fifi.
Seconds Out. Round Three.
As hot death rains down across That London the Doctor finally fesses up to why he's wearing 3D spec and whilst he's blathering on about just how goddamn bleedin' clever he is there are people dying on the streets. And hatches a plan that entails turning Torchwood Tower into the largest vacuum cleaner in the world, sucking in anything steeped in void stuff. That should not only clear out all Daleks and Cybermen but also pull in all vapid air headed reality TV contestants and wannabes with a complete void between the ears. And it also means that everyone's favourite smug cock-er-ney time is up too. So it's win win win.
And as disgruntled fans are braying for her death (and more than the merest snatch of JPG) she and the Doctor reverse the polarity, switching the void from blow to suck, and start cleaning up the city. Rose could, of course, have survived the climactic scene by simply extending her overbite over the lever instead of leaving the securing anchor of the magna-clamp. But for some inexplicable reason Pete reappeared at just the right point in time and space to grab her. Pity.
And to think, that on that Norwegian beach, 5 months later, the Doctor vanished before he could call her a smug get...
The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Doomsday: the effect when the void closed was actually modeled on the pile of kleenex required to mop up the fan-boy excitement when the Daleks made their appearance at the end of the last episode. It's such a persistent stain.
So Rose did die in Doomsday after all. Well kind of, not dead in the in-little-bits-like-Adric-at-the-end-of-Earthshock way but dead in terms of our universe. I guess that as Rose would never leave the Doctor voluntarily, that was really the only way that it could have been done.
I did sort of guess that Rose would have been rescued once she was about to fall into the void but how on Earth did Pete manage to rescue Rose and avoid them both being pulled into the void? I guess that is a question that will never be answered, and perhaps it doesn’t matter, because it was a brilliantly dramatic moment.
One thing that I noticed was that there was no cliffhanger resolve again; it just sort of carried on. Can’t these people write cliffhangers any more? This is only a minor gripe though and did not really impinge on my enjoyment of the episode as whole. I really enjoyed Doomsday and there are quite a few things that I really did enjoy such as the Daleks and Cybermen playground talk: You will identify yourselves first, no you will identify yourselves etc. Nick Briggs obviously having the time of his life throughout the episode. The Dalek’s considering themselves to be the superior race was also good. Pest Control indeed.
The episode was pretty much a re-write of The Parting of Ways: we got the death (well sort of) of a major character and a comedy cameo at the end of the episode leading into the Christmas special.
I have never before heard the Cybermen referred to as pests before but I guess the Daleks who do consider themselves to be the greatest life form in the galaxy would think that of other races. I also love the fact that they can be so confident, that just four Daleks will be enough to destroy 5 million Cybermen. That was a great line and made me laugh and was sort of a reference back to the earlier Dalek stories where there were only a few Daleks but were made to look as if there were hundreds of them. In this case there was just four Daleks! I also liked the idea of the Dalek’s having names. I did, at first, think that one of them might have been called Dave but sadly it wasn’t!
When the Genesis Ark turned out to be a dimensionally transcendental prison, I was so glad that it wasn’t Davros, or the Hand of Omega (which I did think it might have been when it was revealed to be of Time Lord engineering rather than of Dalek. That would have been a “throw things at the television” moment but in the end it turned out to be a punch the air moment, a moment that made you go wow.
I loved the moment when Pete and Jackie got back together. That was a lovely moment and was just what Jackie deserved after all she had been through. I knew that it wouldn’t be that popular with a lot of fans, as emotions have no part in Who, apparently.
I can’t say that I was that sad at the end when Rose was stuck in the parallel universe, or that sad about the Doctor losing Rose. Call me heartless if you like but I was more moved by Pete and Jackie being happy. Perhaps it is because I have really taken a dislike to the characters of Rose and Doctor or something but it was a beautifully written scene and the pan across the faces of Pete, Jackie and Mickey said it all.
It did seem a bit strange that Rose would rather die than remain in the alternative universe with her now reunited family. I suppose that shows that she was not the Rose Tyler we met way back in Rose.
Mickey was also good in the episode, I loved the bit when he dived to the floor and grabbed that big gun. He had definitely grown since we first saw him and it is definitely a shame that it is probably the last time we will see him.
Graeme Harper’s direction was superb. I just love the way how he often will only show parts of the Daleks or the Cybermen i.e. an eye stalk, a cyber arm, a close up of the tear-drop eye etc. It certainly makes for a visually interesting concoction.
The ending had a touch of the deus-ex-machina about it, but at least it was signposted earlier on rather than just appearing at the end of the episode like in The Sand Pit.
The episode was pretty much a re-write of The Parting of Ways: we got the death (well sort of) of a major character and a comedy cameo at the end of the episode leading into the Christmas special.
It’s just a shame that they didn’t announce the new companion until now, if only just to see the furore that would have unfolded on the forums at that final scene in the episode.
The reappearance of Jake was a little bit pointless to be honest, he hardly had anything to do and I half expected him to die. Indeed, once they were all back in the alternative universe he was soon forgotten about.
In general Doomsday worked and it did exactly what a good season finale should do, it was exciting, epic, action-packed, emotional. There are quite a few questions left unanswered such as did the Cybermen created in our universe get pulled into the void? How did Cyber-Yvonne manage to break free of her programming so much when none of the other seemed to do? Did any other Daleks other than the Black one manage to escape the void? I am pretty sure this is not the end of the Daleks. Much like in The Evil of the Daleks, we will see them again in a couple of years I am sure.
I actually enjoyed the ending; it was the most surprising thing to happen in the episode. I never, in a month of Sundays expected that to happen. It’s just a shame that they didn’t announce the new companion until now, if only just to see the furore that would have unfolded on the forums at that final scene in the episode. As it is, some people have already decided not to watch the Christmas special. In the words of Mr. T “I pity the fools”.
The Doctor Who Bumper Book of Made-up Facts has this to say about Doomsday: The scene of the Doctor crying was achieved by the director stealing David Tennant’s water pistol and not letting him have it back until the end of filming that day.
I was talking to a Norwegian friend last night and happened to mention that I'd learnt some of her language on Saturday. 'Darlig', I said. 'Dorlig', she corrected me (it has a little circle over the 'a', apparently.
When I told her the context she laughed. 'It sounds like someone just looked in a Norwegian dictionary,' she said. 'It doesn't mean "Bad Wolf Bay", it means "not very good Wolf Bay", anyway, "Bad Wolf Bay" doesn't make sense at all'.
Apparently, the name isn't one that would be thought of in Norwegian (if I understood her correctly) but if it were, it would be something like 'Ondulvbukta', 'ond' meaning 'evil', 'ulv' being 'wolf' and 'bukta' being 'bay'.
Dorlig means 'bad' as in 'poor quality' which, ironically, is maybe an adjective that could be used to describe a great deal of season 2 - flashes of brilliance (Fireplace, Lantern, Impossible Planet, Ghosts), some 'almost there' moments (Tooth, Reunion, Rise, Satan Pit) and some lemons (New Earth, Love & Monsters, Fear Her). Even the good episodes had let-down moments, mainly due to the hamminess of the lead actors, the illogicality of some of the scenarios (the 'ghosts' in Army of Ghosts, for example, the crying Cyberman in Doomsday).
Last year I hated Eccleston, loved Piper. This year I found myself hating both the Doctor and Rose but I think it's important to separate actors from scripts here: the mood swings were scripted, not improvised, and I got the distinct sense that someone somewhere was ladling on the 'so what' attitude to create a bigger fall at season's end. It wasn't needed (Doomsday would have been as dramatic without it, probably more so in fact, given that when Rose 'died' part of me was rather glad - how much worse would it have been if she hadn't been so irritating (see 'Impossible Planet' and 'Love & Monsters') that I would have gladly pushed her into the void with my own hands.)
Doomsday, emotional ending aside, was a bit of a let down when you subject it to analysis. The showdown between the Daleks and Cybermen was inconsequential, the Cybermen were quickly sidelined as anything other than figures at the end of corridors to run away from and shoot in the back.
As someone else pointed out, Daleks and Cybermen actually work better in small numbers. Revenge of the Cybermen was a far more effective story for having a small contingent with a single purpose, and Genesis of the Daleks scared me witless as a kid with just a few of the damn things. Somehow having millions just makes the threat less, well, threatening.
Here the Cybermen painted themselves as liberators and seemingly just stood around or visited people in their homes. (More evidence of RTD's numeracy problems here: he quite happily sets a story five billion years in the future, a staggeringly huge number, and then only gives us five million cybermen to take over a population of six billion - given those numbers, the occupation of the Docklands housing estate was a poor use of 'manpower', as was the way in which several hundred spent several hours simply standing in front of the Taj Mahal.
There were, as with all RTD scripts (and, indeed, most of this year's episodes) appalling inconsistencies that any decent script editor with equally decent autonomy should have sorted. Just working out how much time it would take for several million Daleks to fly through the eye of a needle would have made anyone realise that it would have been a couple of days before the job would be complete. For me, the fact that according to the Doctor the contents of the sphere exist nowhere meant that none of the Daleks should have had 'void stuff' on them at all as, technically, they were never in it. I could go on (the levers, for crying out loud - why have great big F.O. levers?!? Why not just a simple button, or a switch or something?) but I won't. I actually enjoyed the last two episodes.
Here comes the big question. On OG's bloopers and gaffes forum on Sunday night someone mentioned a physical impossibility as a gaffe when someone else, obviously failing to spot the title of the thread, said that it was odd that someone couldn't accept such a thing but could accept the premise of a guy who travels through time and changes his appearance every so often.
For me, there are things about Doctor Who that are acceptably 'absurd', and these are the central concepts of the show. But science fiction needs to be scientifically accurate or potentially accurate, and drama itself needs to be well plotted, well-written and not reliant on happy conveniences like sonic screwdrivers, 3D specs and giant levers.
You can enjoy Doctor Who if you ignore the faults, (so I wonder why people who do so bother to come to sites like this one) but as I and many others have said, the really annoying thing about Doctor Who is that the faults are so easy to sort out.
Like the translation of 'bad' as 'darlig', for example.
Let's hope that season three is the one where scripts start being edited. Imagine if the analysis that goes on here went on in Cardiff instead, before the cameras rolled. We'd have nothing to whinge about.
Oh hang on... Where's the fun in that?
I was talking to a Norwegian friend last night and happened to mention that I'd learnt some of her language on Saturday. 'Darlig', I said. 'Dorlig', she corrected me (it has a little circle over the 'a', apparently.
When I told her the context she laughed. 'It sounds like someone just looked in a Norwegian dictionary,' she said. 'It doesn't mean "Bad Wolf Bay", it means "not very good Wolf Bay", anyway, "Bad Wolf Bay" doesn't make sense at all'.
Apparently, the name isn't one that would be thought of in Norwegian (if I understood her correctly) but if it were, it would be something like 'Ondulvbukta', 'ond' meaning 'evil', 'ulv' being 'wolf' and 'bukta' being 'bay'.
Dorlig means 'bad' as in 'poor quality' which, ironically, is maybe an adjective that could be used to describe a great deal of season 2 - flashes of brilliance (Fireplace, Lantern, Impossible Planet, Ghosts), some 'almost there' moments (Tooth, Reunion, Rise, Satan Pit) and some lemons (New Earth, Love & Monsters, Fear Her). Even the good episodes had let-down moments, mainly due to the hamminess of the lead actors, the illogicality of some of the scenarios (the 'ghosts' in Army of Ghosts, for example, the crying Cyberman in Doomsday).
Last year I hated Eccleston, loved Piper. This year I found myself hating both the Doctor and Rose but I think it's important to separate actors from scripts here: the mood swings were scripted, not improvised, and I got the distinct sense that someone somewhere was ladling on the 'so what' attitude to create a bigger fall at season's end. It wasn't needed (Doomsday would have been as dramatic without it, probably more so in fact, given that when Rose 'died' part of me was rather glad - how much worse would it have been if she hadn't been so irritating (see 'Impossible Planet' and 'Love & Monsters') that I would have gladly pushed her into the void with my own hands.)
Doomsday, emotional ending aside, was a bit of a let down when you subject it to analysis. The showdown between the Daleks and Cybermen was inconsequential, the Cybermen were quickly sidelined as anything other than figures at the end of corridors to run away from and shoot in the back.
As someone else pointed out, Daleks and Cybermen actually work better in small numbers. Revenge of the Cybermen was a far more effective story for having a small contingent with a single purpose, and Genesis of the Daleks scared me witless as a kid with just a few of the damn things. Somehow having millions just makes the threat less, well, threatening.
Here the Cybermen painted themselves as liberators and seemingly just stood around or visited people in their homes. (More evidence of RTD's numeracy problems here: he quite happily sets a story five billion years in the future, a staggeringly huge number, and then only gives us five million cybermen to take over a population of six billion - given those numbers, the occupation of the Docklands housing estate was a poor use of 'manpower', as was the way in which several hundred spent several hours simply standing in front of the Taj Mahal.
There were, as with all RTD scripts (and, indeed, most of this year's episodes) appalling inconsistencies that any decent script editor with equally decent autonomy should have sorted. Just working out how much time it would take for several million Daleks to fly through the eye of a needle would have made anyone realise that it would have been a couple of days before the job would be complete. For me, the fact that according to the Doctor the contents of the sphere exist nowhere meant that none of the Daleks should have had 'void stuff' on them at all as, technically, they were never in it. I could go on (the levers, for crying out loud - why have great big F.O. levers?!? Why not just a simple button, or a switch or something?) but I won't. I actually enjoyed the last two episodes.
Here comes the big question. On OG's bloopers and gaffes forum on Sunday night someone mentioned a physical impossibility as a gaffe when someone else, obviously failing to spot the title of the thread, said that it was odd that someone couldn't accept such a thing but could accept the premise of a guy who travels through time and changes his appearance every so often.
For me, there are things about Doctor Who that are acceptably 'absurd', and these are the central concepts of the show. But science fiction needs to be scientifically accurate or potentially accurate, and drama itself needs to be well plotted, well-written and not reliant on happy conveniences like sonic screwdrivers, 3D specs and giant levers.
You can enjoy Doctor Who if you ignore the faults, (so I wonder why people who do so bother to come to sites like this one) but as I and many others have said, the really annoying thing about Doctor Who is that the faults are so easy to sort out.
Like the translation of 'bad' as 'darlig', for example.
Let's hope that season three is the one where scripts start being edited. Imagine if the analysis that goes on here went on in Cardiff instead, before the cameras rolled. We'd have nothing to whinge about.
Oh hang on... Where's the fun in that?
Season 2 has been a bumpy ride. There’s been a lot to forgive. Sometimes we all need a little forgiveness. On Saturday Doctor Who was redeemed. Past mistakes are forgiven.
Russell delivers the goods, not only with a normal dismissive waive of the hand but a proper piece of sci-fi. There is logic behind his ideas and when the truth about the Genesis Ark was revealed I was amazed. It made sense!
It took guts to break a taboo and pitch the show’s greatest villains against each other. It then took sheer bloody mindedness to ignore this ultimate confrontation. When those Daleks rose from the Sphere I was jumping up. The Daleks were back! The pepper-pots had returned and looked better than ever. Then it’s over in 20 minutes.
It’s only fair Rose gets a proper send-off. Things may have become terse recently but she’s still the same wonderful character as she ever was. A companion in a million needed the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful scene possible and she got it.
We have waited a long time for Murray gold to settle down and for the last ten minutes, finally does he not only produce something which is OK, or good, but a piece of music which is brilliant. Part Bad Wolf theme, part pop ballad it grabs you by the throat and screams – “Cry dammit! CRY!” without resorting to the clichéd minor key piano. Those raw violins coupled with Flavia’s crooning play the heartstrings like a banjo. (The music is available on the BBC hompage currently but I have a recording so if anyone is interested just e-mail me and I can send it to you.)
It’s the goodbye SJS never had. Things turned out well for Rose. She has her old life back, only a better version. Yet still she hadn’t said goodbye; when she does it’s a highpoint for the season. Who wouldn’t travel to the ends of the Earth for the person they loved? Billie Piper ended her Who career in fine style and we shalln’t remember the bad times, but the wonderful ones, like when she stands on that beach. I’ve wanted to love David Tennant’s Doctor and come close at times. Finally, this is a character to love.
And then, still wiping his tears from his eyes our hero carries on with his solitary life defending the uni – wtf?! Catherine “I’m not in the least bit funny” Tate? In a bridal gown? Oh well. That looks... light hearted. but why the worst “comedienne” on the beeb? Perhaps the answer will lie at the bottom of this year’s Christmas stocking.
Roll on Torchwood!
Season 2 has been a bumpy ride. There’s been a lot to forgive. Sometimes we all need a little forgiveness. On Saturday Doctor Who was redeemed. Past mistakes are forgiven.
Russell delivers the goods, not only with a normal dismissive waive of the hand but a proper piece of sci-fi. There is logic behind his ideas and when the truth about the Genesis Ark was revealed I was amazed. It made sense!
It took guts to break a taboo and pitch the show’s greatest villains against each other. It then took sheer bloody mindedness to ignore this ultimate confrontation. When those Daleks rose from the Sphere I was jumping up. The Daleks were back! The pepper-pots had returned and looked better than ever. Then it’s over in 20 minutes.
It’s only fair Rose gets a proper send-off. Things may have become terse recently but she’s still the same wonderful character as she ever was. A companion in a million needed the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful scene possible and she got it.
We have waited a long time for Murray gold to settle down and for the last ten minutes, finally does he not only produce something which is OK, or good, but a piece of music which is brilliant. Part Bad Wolf theme, part pop ballad it grabs you by the throat and screams – “Cry dammit! CRY!” without resorting to the clichéd minor key piano. Those raw violins coupled with Flavia’s crooning play the heartstrings like a banjo. (The music is available on the BBC hompage currently but I have a recording so if anyone is interested just e-mail me and I can send it to you.)
It’s the goodbye SJS never had. Things turned out well for Rose. She has her old life back, only a better version. Yet still she hadn’t said goodbye; when she does it’s a highpoint for the season. Who wouldn’t travel to the ends of the Earth for the person they loved? Billie Piper ended her Who career in fine style and we shalln’t remember the bad times, but the wonderful ones, like when she stands on that beach. I’ve wanted to love David Tennant’s Doctor and come close at times. Finally, this is a character to love.
And then, still wiping his tears from his eyes our hero carries on with his solitary life defending the uni – wtf?! Catherine “I’m not in the least bit funny” Tate? In a bridal gown? Oh well. That looks... light hearted. but why the worst “comedienne” on the beeb? Perhaps the answer will lie at the bottom of this year’s Christmas stocking.
Roll on Torchwood!
So that's it! The end of an ear-ache! Although given the lethal combination of the impact that New Who's longest-serving cast member has made on the programme and Rusty's tendency to show slushy loyalty to his actors, she was never really going to die, was she?
Like the leading character in that recent ITV two-parter featuring a pre-Who David Tennant, who's gravestone was shown at the beginning, this two-parter also started with a false sense of giving the game away. Rose HAD died insofar as this unverse was concerned; furthermore, a very large part of Rose Tyler had died forever when she was disconnected from the Doctor, and she was certainly afforded an epic departure akin to a Meatloaf ballad. And beautifully handled it was too. The beach scene was TARDIS-ful of emotion and provided a dignified finale for Rose even if I personally would have preferred her to have drifted into a longing beachside madness where she just couldn't 'let go' ala Nicole Kidman at the climax of Birth, or even woken up screaming away her nightmares like Amy Irving's character at the end of Carrie. But hey, that would have been far too dark for New Who.
So instead Rusty decided to put on a Live 8-type concert for his soon-to-be dearly departed as she lay on her metaphorical death bed. No need for a Who re-union - this was the real Parting Of The Ways, but where Mr Geldof played Henry Kissinger to regenerate Daltrey and Co as well as The Floyd, the probably soon-to-be Sir Rusty revived those other monsters of rock we never truly believed we'd seen the last of...laydeez and gennelmen, for the first time on the same bill...Daleks and Pet Shop Cybermen!
And having psyched myself up for the inevitable shoot-em-up shit, it was more bearable than it could've been. The learning that one Dalek can take any number of PSCs at least added a touch of reality to proceedings - never again must the Doctor be seen to soil his pants at the mention of the PSC words. This end-of-term concert was rather better than last term's TPOTWays insofar as at least the bullshit made some kind of sense to me; Ways' Rose-is-Bad-Wolf finale was Jacksons beyond belief but this at least was plausible sci-fi - and touchingly so, too. Indeed, given the cleverness of the final parting location, I feel that last year's two-parter titles would have been better employed to this finale. If Davies really did have this as Rose's final departure location then how much more kudos and applause does he deserve! Somehow, one feels that this was merely an afterthought!
I personally despise the all-new flying Daleks, especially when they all fly in uniform, and have mentioned before how Rusty cannot grasp the concept of less-is-more. Like souped-up versions of classic cars, for all their power etcetera they just lack that retro class of their forefather models which is so indefinable. For those classic numbers, read the sheer characteristics that were the Daleks of Genesis compared to today's tediously mass-produced versions. Having said that, I was still relieved to find that the Genesis Arc contained millions of the flying fuckers and not Phil Collins nor their creator - the legendary Davros, if and when he does return (and surely he MUST) deserves a two-parter of his own and not be made to share the stage with all and sundry.
So Rose Tyler's very own tribute concert concluded with that rarest of sitings - Doctor Who's Lonely Hearts Club TARDIS for all of a few brief hours before the fast mover took a bride in what is thematically becoming a Tubular Bellsian interlinking of storylines, not to say shameless plug number whatever. Darius had long since been a confirmed booking on the concert bill as the Doctor increasingly relies on his bloody X-Factor Machine to escape the improbable. But hark!, there's someone missing. The bandwagon that is the Rose Tyler farewell gig has room for one more aboard and in the distance there is a faint voice crying 'Rose'. The call is followed over land and sea (I presume showing the Tyler clan queueing for the cross-channel ferry was deemed not sexy enough for transmission) until the voice is at its clearest on a haunting desolate beach. The piano starts to play and the breaking solemn voice starts a singing..."Good-Bye England's Rose..."
First, let me state that the Catherine Tate bit at the end is entirely irrelevant - just a set-up for Xmas. Don't care that it broke the mood a bit, I was still drying my tears at that point.
Wow, what an emotional rollercoaster. The Dalek vs Cybermen stuff was awesome, and I'll deal with plot-holes later, but hats of to RTD for daring such an ending, with unexpected happiness - Pete and Jackie being together again - and Rose's misery, but also with her dying in such a way as to allow for comebacks.
Now the niggles. How come Yvonne could resist Cyberisation? Was the process interrupted by the Daleks? My suspicion is that RTD didn't want her to have no redeeming features whatsoever - the reason that Gene Roddenberry didn't like the Romulans. Why did the Time Lords imprison millions of Daleks rather than destroying them? Well, that leads to a point:
the Doctor owes an enormous debt to the universe for failing - as Tom Baker - to destroy them at birth. He seems fated to pay by defeating them throughout eternity (and come on RTD - who are the eternals), but always at great cost to lives of others. perhaps RTD is planning to deal with this.
A Dalek sect? Possible. Could arise from the pro and anti Davros times, or could arise from early in the process of creating the Daleks, where individuality hadn't been totally erased. Otherwise such individuality could only ever be imaginary and nothing could be learned from it.
However, the question of why Cybermen created in an alternate world should resemble Mondas cybermen is still problematical.But there is a strong element of fate running through RTD's work, so we'll have to see.
As for Catherine Tate, well, like her or not, at least we know she won't be the new companion. No wonder they announced Freema Agyeman's role during the week, people would have been SCREAMING!
7.7m (43% share)
1.52m (63% share) for the under-16s
Thoughts? Ideas? Should dip over 8 million in the official figures which is pretty stupendous. I'm interested that we haven't had a recommission announcement yet but with a share like that on a summer Saturday can we expect adventures in time and space for years to come?
Well, that was unexpected.
No, I'm not talking about Rose's departure (I think I nailed that), I am of course referring to the left field cliffhanger featuring Catherine 'fuck off' Tate. Never in the history of lite-entertainment has a comedienne sported a more appropriate catchphrase. I can see the press release now: "We've always been a fan of Catherine and we've been looking for an opportunity to invite her to Cardiff for ages. Catherine is a very serious actress. Honestly. Hooray!"
Just when you think the season will end with a poignant and moody coda, which would have been the perfect antidote to a season peppered with bouts of insufferable smugness, we get a leaked copy of the 'BBC Christmas Tape' instead. Like Cannon and Ball gatecrashing a wake, it's just wrong. Stunt casting gone mad - piss-poor pantomime when we deserved a profound postscript. Do you honestly believe that people will be running up to each other at the water cooler on Monday morning to discuss how many tissues they went through as Rose blubbed her heart out (or, if you are a fanboy, when the Daleks and Cybermen started to kick arse)? No, they'll be prattling on about her! Catherine 'fuck off!' Tate! A woman who will always been known as "the one who does the school girl who's a bit like Vicky Pollard".
Yes, I am bothered. Thanks for asking.
"She was the noblest Romana of them all. Fuck me! It's Mrs Slocombe! What the hell are you doing here?"
See! See!
Well, that's the last 60 seconds ripped to shreds - what about the preceding 2,580?
Just when you think the season will end with a poignant and moody coda we get a leaked copy of the BBC Christmas Tape instead. Like Cannon and Ball gatecrashing a wake, it's just wrong.
Daleks V Cybermen = comedy gold. Epic in scope, epic in scale and epic in silliness. I loved the playground bickering ("No, you hang up first") and the Daleks even manage to crack a joke ("It is pest control!") - and I was whooping with glee throughout. The gag about there only being four Daleks was priceless and the battle of the catchphrases should be set to a jungle back-beat (or whatever it is the kids are listening to these days) and released as a single.
Oh, and the Daleks kicked the synthetic shit out of the Cybermen; just as it should be. The black Dalek even manages to escape. Book your next appointment with him for July 2007, kids, when he'll probably be operated by some talentless hack from Titty Titty Bang Bang!.
Tennant just about passes the Dalek test, but whereas the 9th Doctor afforded them a modicum of respect (which made them all the more scary) the 10th is predictably cocky, sarcastic and - sigh - smug. Rose, on the other hand, wipes the floor with them. A stand-out moment from this series has to be her marvellously assured put-down of Zark (or whatever the hell its name was). Wonderful stuff. Follow that, Martha.
Sadly, John Paul Green was rubbish is this episode. However, to give him his due, he was clearly out of his depth in this "alternative" role because he had to pretend to have a girlfriend. And you thought non-corporeal Cybermen starring in episodes of EastEnders between invasions was a difficult concept to swallow...
Unfortunately, the plot doesn't really stand-up to much scrutiny, despite the script's repeated attempts at papering over the super-massive cracks. A perfect example of this occurs when the Doctor raises the thorny problem of the Cybermen taking 3 years to transport themselves between realities when everyone else can zip back and forth willy nilly. Pre-empting half a dozen Outpost Gallifrey threads, the Doctor conveniently brushes it under the carpet with a quick "It must be the (cough) gobbledygook (cough)".
So ignore the flaws and wallow in the spectacle instead. There's plenty to wallow in: Daleks swarming over London, Cybermen camped out in Cardiff, and a close-quarters gunfight that was so exciting it made me feel quite dizzy. It's a shame that it has to end in tears.
Sean's completely right - it's an incredibly long good-bye. Seven relentless minutes of shameless heart tugging and throat-lumping because... you... will... CRY. Dammit!
And dammit, I did. Because it's a bugger, innit?
The moment where the Doctor and Rose are separated by a wall and an entire universe my bottom lip started to go. Until the wife pointed out that it reminded her of a sexless version of The Wicker Man (you know, the bit with the stunt-arse). "Even the music is the same," she pointed out as Murray found the 'Folksy' button on his Casio keyboard.
It's a bittersweet denouement. There are echoes of Sarah Jane - Rose doesn't have a choice and she's literally dumped against her will - but while SJS took a reserved and stoic approach to her predicament Rose breaks down. And it's heartbreaking. When Tennant gave his Han Solo response to Rose's plaintive declaration of love I was in bits.
Billie will be a tough act to follow, tougher even than Eccleston. But she had to go and it felt right. The Tylers are back together again; Rose is a defender of the Earth with her loyal lap-dog by her side; and the door remains open for future appearances (impossible, my arse). And if this show is still going in five years time (and the general public certainly seem to be lapping it up) then I'll stake my life on Rose Tyler turninng up again, clad head-to-toe in leather and toting a BFG, in a cliffhanger so unbelievably fantastic Russell will give it away in a trailer two weeks before it airs. If The Sun doesn't get there first, of course.
But don't worry, the cameo by Ricky Gervais will remain shrouded in secrecy until transmission.
R.I.P. Rose (Rest In Parallel)
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about 'Doomsday': Big Finish have already managed to secure the rights to produce a series of 10th Doctor adventures that will be set in the gap between the Doctor crying and him drying his eyes.
And that's it for another year. Thanks again to all the regular reviewers on this blog for making this place a lively - and occasionally contentious - place to be. I'm off to Italy for a week to see some ageing rockers. When I get back we'll have our annual 20 Questions Poll, the results of our Season 2 competition and I'll be outlining the upcoming viewing schedule (including Stripped Down Phooaarrrr!)
Until then, all together now: 'Our show, that art in production..."
Incredible viewing. Astonishing acting. Some wonderfully funny moments enhanced by some truely tearjerking moments, capped off by an incredible cliffhanger which will ensure millions come back for the resolution, having hung on for months after this captivating experience.
But I probably shouldn't review Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest here, as I mustn't ruin it for anyone else. Instead I'll review Doomsday.
It wasn't bad, for the most part. Rose was incredibly slappable, with all her terrible smugness to the Dalek Supreme. Camille Coduri gave her least dislikeable performance yet, and it's about time. Shaun Dingwall was wonderful as always, showing new depths to the character in the short spaces of time he gets on screen. What a waste. I say make him the new assistant. Noel Clarke was impressive. This encore to his storyline has been very worthwhile. David Tennant was fabulous. And Billie Piper's gone. All in all, a good day for the cast of Doctor Who.
But then there's Catherine Tate. Oy.
The script isn't too bad either. It's not Steven Moffat, Tom Macrae, or Matt Jones standard, but it's not bad. CyberYvonne is an interesting concept, where the brain can lose all emotions but retain its primary instinct. Logical, really. The Genesis Arc is an interesting concept aswell, although it seems a strange name. I presume that it isn't a Gallifreyan name, but one given by the Daleks in expectance of its cargo. The Void Residue is also interesting, and one assumes (or rather hopes) that the Doc's Glasses are specially made. Otherwise, it seems a strange neccessity for fans of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
"Don't buy a pirate copy of Spy Kids 3D on DVD, off the black market or from another dimension. Those illegally imported from other probability extensions are easily identified by the black residue surrounding the packaging, visable using the special eye pieces provided. This message is brought to you by the Federation Against Illegally Trading Across the Void and Alternate Realities (FAITAVAR)."
Rumours are that if Torchwood is successful, Faitavar will be the new spin off, featuring Catherine Tate as AmIBovvadaloff, Bruno Langley as humourous excuse for clicking incessantly, and that man looking the wrong way suspiciously in World War Three.
Anyway, the scripts alright. Except the bitchfight between the Daleks and the Cybermen, equivalent to a playground "You're better than us at one thing, you're better at being losers!!!". Dumb. Although I was giggling gleefully during the goodbye scene between the Doc and Rose. Perhaps not the intended response, but there we are.
And the Dalek Supreme cunningly disappears. So I'm guessing from now on we won't be able to go a series without the Daleks. Understandable, as that would mean that RTD would have to actually write a script which relies on being a good script.
Direction is fab. It was a bit ropey last week, but bar spending too long on Rose and not enough time on the fighting, it was pretty damn good.
But I'm not looking forward to The Runaway Bride. I wouldn't watch the film, why would I watch the Doctor Who episode? Well, obviously I will. *sigh*
That mini prophecy was bollocks, wasn't it? But I assumed that travel between dimensions was a little harder than it turned out to be. Ah well. The main prophecy was pretty accurate though.
"12/13. This is the difficult one. You can guarantee it'll be epic. You can guarantee it'll be chock-full of monologues. You can guarantee that some of it is very well written. But after that it could go either way. With RTD you can't always be sure. Especially with all those *ahem* "celebs" making appearances. It could be a panto, it could be a legend."
Yep. It was a legend, then it was a panto. Sounds about right.
8.5/10 bar the last 30 seconds.
‘Season Two will end on a f**king colossal cliff-hanger’
(Russell T Davies, March 2006)
Colostomy-bag cliff-hanger, more like. But more on that later. First there’s an episode to discuss.
Twentieth Century Fox Presents: (directed by James ‘Graeme Harper’ Cameron)
Daleks. Cybermen. Dalek and Cybermen. It’s like having your birthday and Christmas Day at the same time. And like too much jelly and ice-cream it leaves you feeling a bit sick. I always pity people who are born on a day that everyone celebrates anyway; as it robs the unique specialness of it all. All that excess, then nothing for twelve months. Gosh it reminds me of the TV Movie, ‘cept longer.
So, Rose is so bold / smug (delete depending on how apologetic you’re feeling for her) that she pulls some Doctor shtick out of the bag and talks down the Daleks like they’re just a bunch of gas-masked children (but without the gas-masks). That feeling of deja-vu ain’t gonna go away easy, as ‘Doomsday’ is something of a Greatest Hits package of this new Doctor Who’s mythology. Death by sucker? Check. The Doctor sending Rose away to save her life? Double check. RTD not having a clue how to resolve a storyline and reaching for the first available Darius X-Factor Machine (or something)? Triple check with a cherry on top. The soundtrack to this episode could have the subtitle ‘Now That’s What I Call Bad Plotting by Russell T Davies 23’, with no doubt music by the likes of Soft Cell, Britney and ELO on it.
'The soundtrack to this episode could have the subtitle ‘Now That’s What I Call Bad Plotting by Russell T Davies 23’'
The Genesis Ark - no, not something that Indiana Jones once spent two cinematic hours looking for, but a piece of Time Lord technology that even the Doctor doesn’t know about. Can’t be opened by Daleks - those pesky suckers suddenly start to look a little impractical, don’t they - and only a time traveller’s DNA can unlock the key. But rather than remember how Dalek suckers can adapt their shape for keypads and the like - Track 6 on the ‘Now…’ compilation, for those keeping up - they’ve got to rely on one of the many TARDIS tenants who happen to be trapped in Torchwood HQ. And the secret within that leaves us tantalisingly on the edge of our seats - could it be the last survivors of the Time Lord race? Or the Face of Boe taking an enigmatic dump? No, it’s the Time Lord equivalent of a Portaloo prison - big enough inside to house ‘millions’ of Daleks, yet permanently engaged just when you have to go. Think of the punchline to the joke ‘What do men have in common with toilets?’ and you’ve got the answer to most of this episode’s numerous plotting problems.
Oh, and pity poor Tracy Ann-Oberman - from pneumatically-chested powerhouse of the Torchwood institute to Cyber-fodder in just forty-five minutes. Though how she somehow manages to a) retain her humanity following Cyber-conversion and b) cry tears through her Cyber-armour is, as they say, anyone’s guess. And if Russell’s acting all Catherine Tate - of which more later - and can’t be ‘bothered’ worrying about plot holes that an entire armada of Dalek and Cybermen fleets could fall through, then why should I, eh?
But for an episode that had ‘ROSE DIES’ plastered all over the tabloids, it’s little surprise to find that neither she nor anyone else actually does. Sure, Russell (tease that he is) gives us plenty of moments when any one of the principal cast look like they’re up for bullet-biting time. But then I remind myself that this isn’t Battlestar Galactica - in oh, so many ways - and everybody lives. And not just this time.
And hasn’t someone been reading up on his TV Comic continuity, what with Dalek names like Zeg and Fluff and Bonk (or whatever they were)? It’s just a shame that the Cybermen were never afforded a similar level of depth, as all they get to do is march around like one of those annoying stomp musical troupes and make plans to upgrade the human race so that all concepts such as sex, class, colour and creed are deemed superfluous (presumably Martin Luther King was a Cyber-controller during their 60s invasion).
Oh, and RTD’s on his issues bandwagon again - this week it’s the effects of global warming as a result of too much parallel-universe hopping. Obviously. Which makes about as much sense as being able to drive all the way to Norway in a jeep.
But turn your brain off and there’s still plenty to enjoy in this apocalyptic forty-five minutes. Besides the fan-wank fantasy of seeing Daleks and Cybermen going all smack-down - though I could have done without all that playground banter as they each refuse to name themselves to the other first - there’s some of the Mill’s most striking effects all season: hordes of Daleks swarming like bees through London’s skyline; the breach sucking both Daleks and Cybermen to a void-inal doom (Nick Briggs sounds like he’s been gargling with razor blades by this point) and, of course, the whole reason that we’ve tuned in other than to see the show’s two biggest monsters mano-a-mano.
The Doctor and Rose have to say their long goodbye.
And it’s moving. Really moving. In fact it’s one of the first shiver-down-the-spine moments I’ve experienced for about three episodes. And Tennant and Piper play it superbly. It also works better that Rose doesn’t die, because her fate is so tantalisingly unrequited that killing her off would almost be a mercy instead. That beach scene actually reminded me why I love this show so much, because it’s well-written, beautifully acted and absolutely choc-full of heart. When Rose finally tells the Doctor that she loves him it’s arguably the moment that makes some of the drivel we’ve witnessed this year finally worth it. And is as heartbreaking a moment as we’ve seen in this show. Ever.
And then…well, what can you say. Just when you think that the episode’s going to bow out on a melancholic note, up pops RTD’s ‘colossal’ cliff-hanger: the Doctor turns to see a vision in white standing in the console room. Is it Romana? The Nemesis Statue? Paul McGann in a dress?
No - it’s Catherine Tate. Yes, that Catherine Tate. And the whole mood of solemnity is shattered as RTD plays his trump card. Talk about going from touching finale to shit sandwich in a nanosecond.
Perhaps if I canvass the BBC they’ll shave off the last thirty seconds just for me?
6/10
(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about ‘The Runaway Bride’: the Christmas Special will feature a record amount of BAFTA award winners, with cameos from Jonathan Ross, Matt Lucas & David Walliams and the entire Channel Four newsteam in addition to the potty-mouthed comedienne (sic.))
Fuck me, Catherine Tate.
In a wedding dress. With a promise that the Christmas episode will be called The Runaway Bride.
This isn't the show it once was.
It's the perfect set up for a new companion of course - the number of times the Doctor's dropped one off only to find another one hiding in a cupboard ready for the adventure. I suspect much of the special will be about him trying to go on alone but with Ms. Tate tantalizingly close. Perhaps he'll spend his time assuming that she'll be just like Rose before realizing that she's not the companion he's looking for and dropping her back off in the arms of her would-be husband before convincing them that they're made for each other.
Seriously, this isn't the show it once was.
It's been a bumpy year. When I've got the time to sit down for the inevitable marathon, I know that I'm going to find that as the momentum builds, the episodes I didn't love will seem much better than they did the first time round and all of the subliminal plot points leading up to Doomsday will be clearer. But really, if you compare pretty much all the episodes with each other this year, they all look like they could have come from a different programme. As the generic barriers all crash in on one another, does it seem possible that the writer of the languid New Earth would so many weeks later drop in something as ludicrously brilliant as this season ender? As the infrequent Big Finish audios with Paul McGann drop into a disappointingly esoteric tailspin it's comforting to know that the television version can still knock out thrill, chills and excitement, with big explosions and thousands of Daleks and Cybermen battling each other on screen.
So what if in the story ended up basically being Torchwood under siege, with the Doctor saving the world from an office and a few corridors again. That's tradition.
But still at the centre of it all was David Tennant. He's been getting a few knocks this series but for my money he was as good as if not better than Eccleston in this episode. Although he still lacks that visceral quality and deep seated anger he managed to pass the Dalek test with flying colours - just watch his face too as he helplessly watched Rose save the world again and risk loosing herself. If we didn't quite see the big moment when some of the personality excesses of the past twelve episodes came home to roost there was still a convincing feeling of loss. So what if in the story ended up basically being Torchwood under siege, with the Doctor saving the world from an office and a few corridors again. That's tradition.
You can see why Tracy-Ann Oberman had been so cagey in interviews about whether she was going to be in the Torchwood series. She had a perfect exit and resurrection, although it is a shame that she wasn't retained - she looked and sounded amazing through to the end. For the first time ever, I think, I loved Murray Gold's score with all the choruses and big dramatic booms. Even the returning themes seemed appropriate. Nick Briggs must have had a ball voicing two alien races at the same time - I'd imagine it was rather like Roy Skelton on Rainbow voicing George and Zippy, but with a finger poised on the ring-modulator for the tonal shifts. Graeme Harper's direction felt slightly less old-school this time around and actually quite close to Euros Lynn with his funny camera angles.
As other shows have found out to their cost, robots killing robots is not all that exciting because unless you care about one of the sides it's just computer generated stuff crashing into stuff.
But you know, as usual, despite the fantechnoporn, the most effective moments were between the human characters. As other shows have found out to their cost, robots killing robots is not all that exciting because unless you care about one of the sides it's just computer generated stuff crashing into stuff. This series absolutely understood this yet again, so whilst the war happened on the outside, the inner world of relationships and humanity was all the more touching. I loved that it took some time to resolve the Pete and Jackie story, give them one final moment. And that Mickey got to be the idiot again one last time and start the Dalek prison break leading to the death of a tens of people. Saved the sun at least.
I like that Rose died that way. The killing off a major character in a series is a tricky escapade. Get it wrong and you've got an oil slick of the week glooping all over a security officer. Get it right and you've got a few million Firefly fans actually shouting at a cinema screen. In this case there wasn't a way in hell that Rose was going into that void. She was going to be saved in the nick of time. I hadn't expected it be her Dad, but it seemed right some how, demonstrating that parallel Pete could be just as courageous as his whoniverse counterpart. Still some cruelty - no final hug from the Doctor. I didn't cry but I'm glad that he did - it seemed consistent with this incarnation that he cares that much. Even recalled that moment in Neverland when he told Charlie that he loved her. Except then he could get the words out and you weren't sure if he meant it in a passionate way. Here, you knew differently somehow. If the show has some meta-character arc across i's forty-odd year history, it's about the Doctor learning to feel.
If the show has some meta-character arc across its forty-odd year history, it's about the Doctor learning to feel.
Actually a great send off with the driving to Norway and the Bad Wolf Beach. Reminded me somewhat of the BBC adaptation of The Day of the Triffids with a crusty van driving through a wilderness As The Lord of the Rings film trilogy demonstrated, sometimes you have to take your time over endings to let the viewer say goodbye and extricate themselves from a story or characters that they've invested so much of their time with. I thought the ending of The Age of Steel, seemed slightly forced. This didn't, probably because you knew this was the final walk on the beach. The last time we'd probably see Jackie and Mickey and Pete and Rose. Probably. After just two years it feels like the end of an era and actually the title of last year's finale The Parting of the Ways would have been just as appropriate here.
How many other shows have lost all but their main character and still have the power to go from strength to strength? All the excitement about what the new companion is going to be like. Will they hit it off? What will the Doctor see in her? Still those unanswered questions. Just what does The Face of Boe have to say for himself? What did happen at the battle of Arcadia? If the Daleks managed to grab this bit of timelord technology, what else is bouncing around the universe? Possible escape pods? You mark my words there'll be more than one known timelord in the universe by the end of the next series.
And good lord I've just thought - if there is another Pudsey Cutaway this year, what's that going to look like?
A joint review of the Army of Ghosts / Doomsday two-parter
In every battle there are casualties. In every war, there are heroes. Heroism means little or nothing, however, unless it is thrown into sharp relief by tragedy and sadness. When the two greatest alien races in the history of Doctor Who come together for the ultimate showdown, it follows that all of these qualities are going to be present for those who are caught in the crossfire – the Doctor, his companion, their friends, family and associates. Planet Earth. The universe.
The most mouth-watering of scenarios, one many fans have dreamed and speculated about but until now not even the maddest of mad Big Finish writers dared try and put together – Daleks versus Cybermen.
As Doctor Who fans, we usually tend to judge ‘eras’
of the show more in terms of production personnel, specifically the producers,
than the on-screen staff, aside of course from the Doctors. With the climactic Army
of Ghosts and Doomsday two-parter, however, we have an epic finale
not just to the second series of the new Doctor Who but, despite the
Tenth Doctor and the production team all remaining in place, to an era that
began back with Rose that wonderful night in March 2005. The ‘Tyler
era’, if you will.
Rose is gone, and with her having left it’s hard not to
think we have also seen the last of Jackie, Mickey and Pete as well, for better
or for worse. Doctor Who, after a never dull first two years back on
air, once again has to reinvent itself, change, adapt and wow us all over again in a
whole new world of raised expectations and high definition viewing.
But such things are for the future. What of the present? The
most mouth-watering of scenarios, one many fans have dreamed and speculated
about but until now not even the maddest of mad Big Finish writers dared try
and put together – Daleks versus Cybermen.
It’s hard not to feel lifted, elated even by that
cliffhanger at the end of the first episode. It’s a great moment, even if you
knew or had guessed what was inside that Voidship – I mean, it’s the Daleks,
for goodness sake! Arriving to kick some Cyber backside! How could that not be
exciting? One of those real punch-the-air moments akin to, say, Earthshock
episode one. This show can be deep, it can be thought-provoking and it can have
moments of calm reflection, but we all know that it’s the moments like these
that burn themselves onto children’s brains and the collective popular
consciousness, and make our little fanboy chests swell with pride and
excitement.
Personally, this excitement was added to by the thought of ‘Hurrah! A proper enemy is arriving!’ Because, as I think I have said before, I deeply dislike the Cybermen. I think they’re frankly a bit rubbish, and they’ve never made an impression on me as any kind of meaningful threat or exciting presence in a storyline – aside possible from the aforementioned Earthshock – so I was glad to see that the Big Boys had arrived to boot them out of the picture and make bloody war.
Personally, this excitement was added to by the thought of ‘Hurrah! A proper enemy is arriving!’ Because, as I think I have said before, I deeply dislike the Cybermen.
Russell T Davies couldn’t resist having them throw some insults at each other about who was best. As a serious person trying to write a serious review of the episode I should disapprove strongly of this sort of daft meta business, but given it had me grinning hugely to myself I don’t feel as if I have the right to complain! Seeing the Cybermen hopelessly gunned down by the four Daleks – one Dalek would be enough, don’t forget! – also raised a smile. For those who are fonder of the Cybermen than I it was perhaps disappointing to see them turned into mere cannon-fodder as soon as the Premier League bad guys showed up – even humanity managed to blow one of them to bits, for goodness sake – but with so much to cram into these episodes not every element was ever going to receive the time and space it deserved.
I am, of course, jumping ahead. It wasn’t simply the great
meeting of these two Who icons that Russell T Davies had to wrestle with
– he had to pick up on and make sense of all the Torchwood references we have
been getting all year, and that have driven so many fans half barmy.
Torchwood turns out to be run by Yvonne Hartman, and as my friend Tim pointed out in an e-mail to me immediately after Army of Ghosts was transmitted, it seems the organisation for all its boasts is actually so under-funded it can’t even afford to provide its director with a shirt. What with Yvonne’s jiggling and Rose and Jackie’s efforts in New Earth and Rise of the Cybermen respectively, you do perhaps have to wonder whether the over-arching plot arc or this season has been not in fact the Torchwood Institute but gratuitous cleavage shots.
When not busy thrusting her chest in the direction of anybody who will look, Yvonne is actually quite a good character – not the ice-cold bitch I had been expecting her to be, but actually quite fun and a little scatty, albeit slightly mad and a little obsessive with it. Torchwood itself looks like a cross between the Area 51 set-up from Independence Day and the BBC Television Centre props store circa 1975. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s similar ‘Initiative’ organisation in season four of that programme, you suspect that they simply lacked the money and the scale to be able to make it look as good as it ought to, although the idea of it being hidden in Canary Wharf is quite a clever one.
Torchwood itself looks like a cross between the Area 51 set-up from Independence Day and the BBC Television Centre props store circa 1975.
Less clever, and in fact a rather dubious piece of scripting
by Davies, is the idea that this ultra-secret alien-bothering organisation
could allow some building works to be going on right in their midst without
anybody having the slightest clue that the Cybermen have set up camp down there
and are snaffling up Torchwood employees as they head off for their
coffee-and-kissing breaks.
Let’s face it, this is an organisation with a security
system so slack that not only do they allow any passing cybernetic life form
from a parallel universe to sneak in, but they also let Mickey set up shop
undercover as a scientist. I was very pleased and not a little surprised by
Clarke’s reappearance in Army of Ghosts, incidentally revealed in a nice
shot over Doctor Singh’s back by Graeme Harper. Possibly more through luck than
judgement – I had even looked at the Radio Times listing before the
episode aired and completely missed his name in the credits – I had no idea
that Mickey was returning for the grand finale. He lost out somewhat in Doomsday
as Pete and Jake also returned to squeeze him out of the plot somewhat, and
Rose’s departure at the end meant neither he nor Jackie got the farewells to
the show they deserved, but proving that he has come a long, long way since the
bumbling fool of Rose was perhaps enough.
Even Yvonne got to display a bravery when Doomsday came around – I was actually pretty heartbroken when the poor old Torchwood director was turned into a Cyberman, and it was quite a relief to see that her bloody-minded devotion to Queen and Country had left her with enough marbles rolling around in her head to provide a remarkable convenient blockade to the Cybermen about to ruin the Doctor’s plan. Also rather too convenient was Pete hopping back in the nick-of-time to rescue Rose from being sucked into the void. These niggles leave an uncomfortable sense of corner-cutting that just stops this two-parter from being up there with the very best of Doctor Who, although then again, if you’re going to start pulling adventure fiction apart for nick-of-time rescues then you’re going to bring the whole genre crashing down like a game of ker-plunk.
If you’re going to start pulling adventure fiction apart for nick-of-time rescues then you’re going to bring the whole genre crashing down like a game of ker-plunk.
I wasn’t the only one to be less than thrilled with the
rescue, however – poor old Rose herself was also left pretty devastated to be
trapped on the wrong side of the void. Rose was always going to get an
emotional send-off, and even though the Pete-less Jackie and Jackie-less Pete
always seemed likely to end up together from right back in the first Cybermen
two-parter of the season, Rose and Mickey ending up trapped in the alternative
universe was less expected. In some ways, Rose has ended up with the same life
she had before she met the Doctor – a job, Mickey as her boyfriend, her mum…
But she’s gained so much more. Not simply through travelling
and experiencing so much of the universe with the Doctor, and learning about
how to live a better life from him. Not simply from having a better job because
of it all, or finding some sort of inner happiness and peace. But because she
had her father back, and the stable nuclear family that you sense she probably
always wanted all along. That’s what she was searching for with the Doctor, and
why she became so deeply attached to him, and why it was always her personal
tragedy that she could never have him. She loved him, but she could never have
that fully-rounded life with him.
Nor he her, although it’s doubtful whether he loved her in the same way. He was snatched away – by the fanboy tractor beam, you might speculate! – before he was able to say it. He had to leave her behind for good, in Bad Wolf Bay, over and done with but perhaps finally at some sort of peace.
He was snatched away – by the fanboy tractor beam, you might speculate! – before he was able to say it.
As with so many endings, however, even when it seems to be
so final there is still a glimpse of how life can carry on afterwards, how some
future point can pick up the threads. For here, through a coincidence of
casting and a young actress seizing her chance to impress the programme’s
producers, the future of Doctor Who has been glimpsed like a Watcher
preceding a regeneration. Freema Agyeman may have played only a small part in Army
of Ghosts, but she has a much bigger role – literally – to perform in the
future of the series.
I for one cannot wait to see this future. Especially given the rather
fun cliffhanger ending – Catherine Tate? Runaway Bride?
Barmy. But brilliant. As, of course, Doctor Who always is!
