Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

iWho Podcast: Army of Ghosts

"If it's alien or chocolate it belongs to us..."

Tachyon TV presents an alternative, tongue-in-cheek commentary for Army of Ghosts.

Topics up for discussion this week include: the megateeser of doom, the Cybermen's soap opera commitments, ear acting, Tracy-Ann Oberman's void spheres, and Torchwood's fairground ergonomics.

Available from the usual place

Nil-Nil, God Stopped Play

Having come to the season two-parter late, being currently in the States and having to rely on torrents, I'm holding off on reading the finale reviews for the moment. Feel free then to have a good snigger then if these belated opinions have already been proven hopelessly wrong...

So this is it, the third showdown with the metal meanies in two seasons, a record not matched since the earliest years in the 60s. We've seen what a tactical genius a single Dalek can be, and how much more dangerous it makes them compared with their Davros-emasculated cousins of old. Then we got to see an entire army in action as an overwhelming, unstoppable force. For the third outing, the Daleks are the comparative underdogs - it's a good angle, and frankly, they really need it if the iconic pepperpots are to stand any chance of remaining fresh and interesting (and even then I hope they're given a good rest for the whole of season three) - but as much as I'm hoping otherwise, I bet Russel will have copped out again and DT won't get any closer than Chris did to actually lighting the blue touchpaper and seeing the buggers off. POTW was almost literally Zeus' papier mache boat being lowered to the stage, for God's sake. I want a decisive victory at the Doctor's hand for a change - enough of the namby-pamby Peter Davision stuff; bring back Sylvester and show us properly how it's done.

Of course, I wouldn't care half as much if Army Of Ghosts hadn't been absolute magic. I had expected to be somewhat Daleked out by the end of it, but no other episode ending in the series revival has left me this excited and eager to see more. AoG is also a first for Russel T Davis, as not only was it a generous helping of exciting, populist telly, it was actually a credible piece of science-fiction in its own right (silly Frankenstein levers and spontaneous Ray Parker Jr. notwithstanding). The setup was properly conceived and executed as informative narrative instead of one long gratuitous infodump (I don't know what the analogy of thirty minutes of foreplay followed by a brief flurry of sex was about, since there's still half the story to go); it was tightly-enough plotted so that the few plotholes there were didn't all leap straight out at you on first viewing (though how come Torchwood were able to accurately detect and pinpoint emissions from the TARDIS all the way over at the Powell Estate, but not from the Cyberman hidden right under their noses?); the effects were decent, but not overwhelming to the detriment of the story; and most importantly, everything else we were told or left to piece together made perfect sense. By the end of the episode, nothing else could have been contained within the sphere except the Daleks.

It's also the little moments that stick in the memory and continue to make me smile; Rose eating chips on the bus, the 3D specs, even Peggy Mitchell worked within the episode context since EastEnders is offically stated to be fiction now. Sadly, so is Alistair Appleton's strangulation, but at least Dimensions In Time never happened.

Who cares, anyway. It was fab. Roll on, er, yesterday then. (Ahem.)

Doomsday to Fore

A joint review of the Army of Ghosts / Doomsday two-parter

In every battle there are casualties. In every war, there are heroes. Heroism means little or nothing, however, unless it is thrown into sharp relief by tragedy and sadness. When the two greatest alien races in the history of Doctor Who come together for the ultimate showdown, it follows that all of these qualities are going to be present for those who are caught in the crossfire – the Doctor, his companion, their friends, family and associates. Planet Earth. The universe.

The most mouth-watering of scenarios, one many fans have dreamed and speculated about but until now not even the maddest of mad Big Finish writers dared try and put together – Daleks versus Cybermen.

As Doctor Who fans, we usually tend to judge ‘eras’ of the show more in terms of production personnel, specifically the producers, than the on-screen staff, aside of course from the Doctors. With the climactic Army of Ghosts and Doomsday two-parter, however, we have an epic finale not just to the second series of the new Doctor Who but, despite the Tenth Doctor and the production team all remaining in place, to an era that began back with Rose that wonderful night in March 2005. The ‘Tyler era’, if you will.

Rose is gone, and with her having left it’s hard not to think we have also seen the last of Jackie, Mickey and Pete as well, for better or for worse. Doctor Who, after a never dull first two years back on air, once again has to reinvent itself, change, adapt and wow us all over again in a whole new world of raised expectations and high definition viewing.

But such things are for the future. What of the present? The most mouth-watering of scenarios, one many fans have dreamed and speculated about but until now not even the maddest of mad Big Finish writers dared try and put together – Daleks versus Cybermen.

It’s hard not to feel lifted, elated even by that cliffhanger at the end of the first episode. It’s a great moment, even if you knew or had guessed what was inside that Voidship – I mean, it’s the Daleks, for goodness sake! Arriving to kick some Cyber backside! How could that not be exciting? One of those real punch-the-air moments akin to, say, Earthshock episode one. This show can be deep, it can be thought-provoking and it can have moments of calm reflection, but we all know that it’s the moments like these that burn themselves onto children’s brains and the collective popular consciousness, and make our little fanboy chests swell with pride and excitement.

Personally, this excitement was added to by the thought of ‘Hurrah! A proper enemy is arriving!’ Because, as I think I have said before, I deeply dislike the Cybermen. I think they’re frankly a bit rubbish, and they’ve never made an impression on me as any kind of meaningful threat or exciting presence in a storyline – aside possible from the aforementioned Earthshock – so I was glad to see that the Big Boys had arrived to boot them out of the picture and make bloody war.

Personally, this excitement was added to by the thought of ‘Hurrah! A proper enemy is arriving!’ Because, as I think I have said before, I deeply dislike the Cybermen.

Russell T Davies couldn’t resist having them throw some insults at each other about who was best. As a serious person trying to write a serious review of the episode I should disapprove strongly of this sort of daft meta business, but given it had me grinning hugely to myself I don’t feel as if I have the right to complain! Seeing the Cybermen hopelessly gunned down by the four Daleks – one Dalek would be enough, don’t forget! – also raised a smile. For those who are fonder of the Cybermen than I it was perhaps disappointing to see them turned into mere cannon-fodder as soon as the Premier League bad guys showed up – even humanity managed to blow one of them to bits, for goodness sake – but with so much to cram into these episodes not every element was ever going to receive the time and space it deserved.

I am, of course, jumping ahead. It wasn’t simply the great meeting of these two Who icons that Russell T Davies had to wrestle with – he had to pick up on and make sense of all the Torchwood references we have been getting all year, and that have driven so many fans half barmy.

Torchwood turns out to be run by Yvonne Hartman, and as my friend Tim pointed out in an e-mail to me immediately after Army of Ghosts was transmitted, it seems the organisation for all its boasts is actually so under-funded it can’t even afford to provide its director with a shirt. What with Yvonne’s jiggling and Rose and Jackie’s efforts in New Earth and Rise of the Cybermen respectively, you do perhaps have to wonder whether the over-arching plot arc or this season has been not in fact the Torchwood Institute but gratuitous cleavage shots.

When not busy thrusting her chest in the direction of anybody who will look, Yvonne is actually quite a good character – not the ice-cold bitch I had been expecting her to be, but actually quite fun and a little scatty, albeit slightly mad and a little obsessive with it. Torchwood itself looks like a cross between the Area 51 set-up from Independence Day and the BBC Television Centre props store circa 1975. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s similar ‘Initiative’ organisation in season four of that programme, you suspect that they simply lacked the money and the scale to be able to make it look as good as it ought to, although the idea of it being hidden in Canary Wharf is quite a clever one.

Torchwood itself looks like a cross between the Area 51 set-up from Independence Day and the BBC Television Centre props store circa 1975.

Less clever, and in fact a rather dubious piece of scripting by Davies, is the idea that this ultra-secret alien-bothering organisation could allow some building works to be going on right in their midst without anybody having the slightest clue that the Cybermen have set up camp down there and are snaffling up Torchwood employees as they head off for their coffee-and-kissing breaks.

Let’s face it, this is an organisation with a security system so slack that not only do they allow any passing cybernetic life form from a parallel universe to sneak in, but they also let Mickey set up shop undercover as a scientist. I was very pleased and not a little surprised by Clarke’s reappearance in Army of Ghosts, incidentally revealed in a nice shot over Doctor Singh’s back by Graeme Harper. Possibly more through luck than judgement – I had even looked at the Radio Times listing before the episode aired and completely missed his name in the credits – I had no idea that Mickey was returning for the grand finale. He lost out somewhat in Doomsday as Pete and Jake also returned to squeeze him out of the plot somewhat, and Rose’s departure at the end meant neither he nor Jackie got the farewells to the show they deserved, but proving that he has come a long, long way since the bumbling fool of Rose was perhaps enough.

Even Yvonne got to display a bravery when Doomsday came around – I was actually pretty heartbroken when the poor old Torchwood director was turned into a Cyberman, and it was quite a relief to see that her bloody-minded devotion to Queen and Country had left her with enough marbles rolling around in her head to provide a remarkable convenient blockade to the Cybermen about to ruin the Doctor’s plan. Also rather too convenient was Pete hopping back in the nick-of-time to rescue Rose from being sucked into the void. These niggles leave an uncomfortable sense of corner-cutting that just stops this two-parter from being up there with the very best of Doctor Who, although then again, if you’re going to start pulling adventure fiction apart for nick-of-time rescues then you’re going to bring the whole genre crashing down like a game of ker-plunk.

If you’re going to start pulling adventure fiction apart for nick-of-time rescues then you’re going to bring the whole genre crashing down like a game of ker-plunk.

I wasn’t the only one to be less than thrilled with the rescue, however – poor old Rose herself was also left pretty devastated to be trapped on the wrong side of the void. Rose was always going to get an emotional send-off, and even though the Pete-less Jackie and Jackie-less Pete always seemed likely to end up together from right back in the first Cybermen two-parter of the season, Rose and Mickey ending up trapped in the alternative universe was less expected. In some ways, Rose has ended up with the same life she had before she met the Doctor – a job, Mickey as her boyfriend, her mum…

But she’s gained so much more. Not simply through travelling and experiencing so much of the universe with the Doctor, and learning about how to live a better life from him. Not simply from having a better job because of it all, or finding some sort of inner happiness and peace. But because she had her father back, and the stable nuclear family that you sense she probably always wanted all along. That’s what she was searching for with the Doctor, and why she became so deeply attached to him, and why it was always her personal tragedy that she could never have him. She loved him, but she could never have that fully-rounded life with him.

Nor he her, although it’s doubtful whether he loved her in the same way. He was snatched away – by the fanboy tractor beam, you might speculate! – before he was able to say it. He had to leave her behind for good, in Bad Wolf Bay, over and done with but perhaps finally at some sort of peace.

He was snatched away – by the fanboy tractor beam, you might speculate! – before he was able to say it.

As with so many endings, however, even when it seems to be so final there is still a glimpse of how life can carry on afterwards, how some future point can pick up the threads. For here, through a coincidence of casting and a young actress seizing her chance to impress the programme’s producers, the future of Doctor Who has been glimpsed like a Watcher preceding a regeneration. Freema Agyeman may have played only a small part in Army of Ghosts, but she has a much bigger role – literally – to perform in the future of the series.

I for one cannot wait to see this future. Especially given the rather fun cliffhanger ending – Catherine Tate? Runaway Bride?

Barmy. But brilliant. As, of course, Doctor Who always is!

Strapping Down Sharks

Army of Ghosts wound me up from the get-go. You see, it all kicks off with a lie - a bare-faced lie. And it's the worst kind of lie too, one that is told for entirely selfish reasons, namely: bums on seats. Because Rose dies in this one. Honest, guv. And that's got to be worth missing a BBQ for, surely?

Yeah, right, pull the other one, Russell. I am willing to bet editorial control of this blog on Rose surviving Doomsday, and if she really snuffs it then James and Chris can call themselves Pinky and Perky for all I care. Sure, Rose will almost certainly suffer a figurative, symbolic "death" and she'll probably end up stuck on an alternative earth forever (that's "forever" in the "oh look, Mickey's back!" sense of the word by the way) but if I had a quid for every time a friend or colleague came up to me this week to inform me (like I wouldn't know!) that "Rose gets killed in the next one" then I'd be able to finish off my Doctor Who sticker collection.

And so, with my hackles already up, it didn't take very long for that familiar feeling of ennui to descend over me, as I slogged through my weekly Doctor Who bug-bear checklist:

• Suburbia - check
• Smugness - check
• TV personalities playing "themselves" - check
• Extra Smug moment laced with gratuitous pop culture reference - check
• Rose makes doey eyes at the Doctor and promises never to leave him - check
• Weird EastEnders moment - check check check

Reality check: the same moment they cast Tracy-Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman someone should have stepped in and cut the Babs gag in the Queen Vic - it just drags you kicking and screaming out of the drama because the woman who killed Dirty Den is currently running Torchwood! Staffed, as luck would have it, by the least annoying Ferrera brother. Huh? Next you'll be telling me that one of the dead temps is the Doctor's new companion!

I was punching the air and laughing like a lunatic as four Daleks came gliding in over a couple of dead sharks that had been strapped down by production team...

Ah yes, Torchwood. Coming soon to BBC3 and all that. What a bunch of morons. And none of them took off their kit or said the f-word once!

Now own up - who wasn't hiding behind the sofa with acute embarrassment when the Doctor was "captured" like that? I thought I'd seen it all but nowadays even the bad guys will take time out to boost the 10th Doctors ego with a quick round of applause. Strewth. Perhaps the Dalek Supreme will ask the Doctor for his autograph when he finally bumps into him.

Sure, Tom Baker's Doctor could be a smug git at times, but unless I'm very much mistaken he never once goofed off to Carl Douglas or Abba.  And he never, ever sounded like a constipated Kenneth Williams either. Seriously, I'm getting tired of writing the words "a new nadir" on this blog.

However, as if sensing my fug of resigned desperation, Doctor Who played its joker. Only Paul McGann turning up with only one arm could have topped it for pure, unadulterated - and bloody glorious, it has to be said - fanwank.

A Dalek V Cybermen punch-up is a curious concept - both sacrosanct and childish at the same time. It's the sort of thing you might find scrawled on the back of your English Lit textbook in 1978 or a really bad Terrance Dicks PDA, but to see it realised on-screen?  Surely no one would have the balls to pull it off. Well, we'll just have to wait and see, I guess, but what a start to the proceedings!

I was feeling thoroughly let-down by both David Tennant and Wayne Rooney that afternoon, but there I was, punching the air and laughing like a lunatic, as four Daleks came gliding in over a couple of dead sharks that had been strapped down by production team earlier. If I was an eight year old kid at that precise moment, still replaying Gerrard's penalty kick in my head and mopping up the tears with my replica shirt, then I'd have been magically transported to a world of pure joy and excitement. Who am I kidding, I'm 36 years old and that's exactly how I felt.

By accident or design, for a second there Doctor Who existed as a public service for a grieving nation, and you can't say fairer than that.

So forget Italy versus France - this is a final well worth waiting for. Just don't hoy it over the bar, Russell.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Army of Ghosts: the footage from the 'Trisha' show was actually created by the Mill. They simply rented a copy of 'Shaun of the Dead' and replaced the zombie with a CGI ghost instead. Ms Goddard provided an extra word of dialogue in an ADR session that was covered by a phalanx of tabloid journalists. Hooray!

Honoris Causa

A climactic battle of two monstrous opposing forces. A titanic struggle of biblical proportions. The balance of the power shifting first one way, then the other, then jiggling a little up and down. But enough of Yvonne Hartman's cleavage. There are bigger things at stake, like a new corporate for the Welsh Tourist Board along the lines of that blasted Scottish one that's always on at the cinema before Hollywood sex films. Wales... Doctor Who came here. Why don't you?

Army of Ghosts

Landing in a children's playground in inner city London I'm surprised the TARDIS didn't land on a few crack addicts, Lambrini swilling chavs or even paedos. Instead the inner city violence manifests itself in the form of a slobbering kiss from Jackie Tyler. The Doctor looks like a child who's just been slimed by a wart-faced bristly maiden aunt. And stand by metalurgist fans - we have another entry in the Doctor Who Periodic Table, Bazulium, which appears somewhere between Dalekanium, Lucanol and Zelanite in the passive-agressive-camp region of the table.

"I want to see Jackie and Yvonne take each other on in a triple bill of foxy boxing, mud wrestling and long distance nude jiggling."

And as if getting slimed by her wasn't bad enough there are now ghosts all over the shop. I'm disappointed that they couldn't find a proper weatherman to do a cameo for the Ghost Forecast - surely my own personal favourite, Daniel Corbett, would have been an ideal choice? And they're even on Eastenders! Now, I might not know much about TV soaps, but it's been 2 months since the ghosts started appearing on Earth, and yet they've already gotten a story-line in Eastenders. I though that these shows were story-lined meticulously months in advance and not made up on the spot like Lost?

And deep within a mysterious institute lies a horrifying secret. So chronically underfunded are they that they've had to resort to growing the Universe's largest Malteser. There's even a ring of truth in all the talk about it having no mass, no weight. This truly is the lighter way to enjoy chocolate. Which probably accounts for the reason why the staff in Torchwood (for it is them) seem to spent 95% of the working day clapping. They're all high on the fumes and will applaud the smallest thing: someone drops one in the lift - round of applause; a suggestive email joke about a frumpy female colleague - round of applause; someone engages in instant messaging sex games - round of applause. The clap... Everywhere.

Finding out what these ghosts actually are takes all the Doctor's cunning and intelligence, along with knowledge of the films of Ivan Reitman and all of the TARDIS's available drug paraphernalia. And a set of Dimensions in Time specs. Let me get this straight, the woman who killed Dirty Den is now in charge of Torchwood, and the ghost of Dirty Den's back in Eastenders wanting served in the Queen Vic, where outside some woman who used to inhabit the sun deck of a North Sea ferry is menacing another incarnation of the Doctor whilst Dame Andrew Beech looks on, sneeringly. Christ. All we need now is for a load more of fan wank and some sort of explosion of bodily fluids is certain to occur.

And surely, given the Doctor's apparent predilection for visiting the Powell Estate over the last few years, Torchwood would have staked the place out 24/7. But apparently not. If they were after him then why not replace Jackie with some sort of surgically enhanced double? Perhaps they might have had enough cash to build Torchwood Tower but there wouldn't have been much funding left over to give a Jackie doppleganger the sort of chest she has. So I suppose it would have been a dead giveaway. Once in the TARDIS Jackie should have been able to rest easy, the only Mars the TARDIS was about to go anywhere near during this series would have been the chocolate display of a corner shop confectioners.

Speaking of which, there's a warm hand on the Doctor's entrance as the TARDIS lands in the middle of the mysterious Torchwood Tower - or 1 Canada Water, Canary Wharf, as viewers of The Apprentice know it. Any excuse for a clapping fit. Their motto should be three cheers followed by a round of applause instead of all that guff about if it's alien it's ours. I'm not remotely sure why Jackie lunged for the particle gun in such an aggressive way, or even why they found those magna-clamps in a spaceship in the foot of Lord Snowdon (or summat).

Surely health and safety would have a thing to say about the fact that they're controlling the rift in the middle of an open plan office?

And then it happens, as the ghosts manifest themselves as Cybermen the Megateser starts clanking and shaking and then...

Spunk everywhere...

as fandom explodes in delight as the Daleks are revealed to be inside the Kinder surprise - fully assembled and batteries definitely included. The Cybermen have been retooled with the gayest every weaponry this side of Elton John's arsenal. Sissy little pellet guns from their lacy cuffs. At least we get so satisfy ourselves with another patented Harper up-skirt shot of a Cyberman menacing a suburban family. Shortly before making 2.4 into 0.333 recurring.

And with that the Daleks are back. And black is the new black. Can't wait for part two to see who wins. Will it be Daleks? Will it be Cybermen? Sod that, I want to see Jackie and Yvonne take each other on in a triple bill of foxy boxing, mud wrestling and long distance nude jiggling. Now that would be something worth applauding...

The Bumper Book of Made-up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Army of Ghosts: the Torchwood Instituite has applied for degree awarding powers from the University of Dollis Hill (formerly Neasden Park F.C.). Amongst its portfolio of courses are a BSc in Ring Modulation, a BA in Mining Minor Royals and a Diploma in Applause Studies.

Busting Makes Me Feel Good

Army of Ghosts is the Doctor Who equivalent of foreplay; 45 minutes of teasing leading to a massive climax.

The last ten-fifteen minutes of the episode were very, very good, but I found the first half hour or so a bit slow and, dare I say it, boring (as did my girlfriend). I know that was only to build up the tension to the cliffhanger, but I did find that it took a while to get going. It started getting interesting when Adi (the Sun's choice for the new companion who, let's face it, is unlikely to be now) came face to face with a Cyberman, and then later on when the "ghosts" started breaking through and were revealed to be Cybermen.

There was some nice CGI work on display here with armies of Cybermen appearing in front of the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower (not Blackpool sadly. I personally would have loved to see an army of Cybermen marching down the Golden Mile, past the Doctor Who exhibition. Go on, admit it, you would too!). Then the Daleks appeared from the sphere thing. Well three Daleks, but three Daleks is more than enough (see Day of the Daleks).

Now, even though that was a bit of a wow moment, I wasn't really surprised that the Daleks were appearing in the story (wasn't the extermination effect in the next week trailer after Fear Her clue enough plus the general fan rumours on the forums) but it was still a good moment.

The problem, though, is whether or not having the Daleks and the Cybermen in the same story is a good idea. I mean not even Big Finish who's entire raison d'aitre is to fulfil the fanwank fantasies of the fans (but not in a bad way, as I am a big fan of their output), would have dared to do this, and probably for a very good reason. First Sarah Jane and K9 and now this, the whole season is a fan's dream, and I am not sure whether that is a good thing or not. We shall find out next week when we see how the final episode pans out.

Now was it just me or was Army of Ghosts an Eastenders reunion or what? First you have Chrissie Watts who now happens to be the head of Torchwood, and then there is that Ferreria bloke who is now a scientist at Torchwood! And then you even get bloody Peggy Mitchell for good measure. Having said that the whole season has had loads of ex-Eastender actors in it. Last week we had Frank Butcher's mum, and in the first Cybermen episode we had Mickey's grandma. I don't know, I thought The Bill was where old Eastenders actors went.

The Doctor was his usual punchable self for most of the episode, his Ghostbusters reference was really cringeworthy and I really didn't like the way he treated Jackie, not even the ninth Doctor would have be so nasty to her. I'm surprised she didn't lamp him one. However he did calm down by the end and he really did look quite scared at the end when faced with the Cybermen once more. It makes you wonder how he is going to react to the Daleks when he faces them.

Rose was only a little annoying in this episode, and it was nice when she tried to get into Torchwood using the psychic paper only to find they could see right through it. That kind of took the wind out of her sails a little bit. I am sure by the end of this story she will have had the wind taken entirely out of her sails so to speak.

It was nice to see the return of Mickey as well. He didn't have a great deal to do in this episode as he only appeared in it right near the end, but it looks like he might have a bigger part in the conclusion. I hope so as I think Mickey has really been missed since his departure in The Age of Steel.

The rest of the cast were ok, even the cameos were short and sweet with Alistair Appleton seeming to have most of the screen time of the cameo appearances, even the Peggy Mitchell scene worked in the context of the episode.

The direction in this episode was superb and was vintage Graeme Harper with all his usual tricks of using hand-held camera and shooting scenes from angles that other directors would never dare use.

The scene when the Cybermen appeared for the first time was brilliantly directed, as was the scene near the end of the episode with the Cybermen bursting through the doors of an ordinary suburban home and confronting a terrified family. In fact the direction for the whole episode was very good.

I just hope that Doomsday doesn't let the side down with a terrible cliffhanger resolve (like in the previous Cybermen story) and then a convenient ending. I am hoping for a really good episode that ends the season on a high.

The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts' has this to say about Army of Ghosts: The Cyberman who came down the stairs to confront the family was, in fact, the cybernised Alistair Appleton of Cash In The Attic Fame. Also lots of other BBC daytime presenters were also cybernised, but nobody really noticed.

They're Not Ghosts! They're Metal People! And they hurt Alistair!

Born during 1970 in Tunbridge Wells, Kent, to Peter and Sally Appleton, Alistair Appleton represents the best that British TV has to offer: House Doctor. Cash in the Attic. Doctor Who. Entire legions of women adore the man, despite the fact that he is extremely out, extremely proud and extremely buddhist. (Okay, I'm not sure why women would object to the Buddhism part, but I was struggling for a third item in that sentence.) A show with Alistair is a guarantee of perky manly goodness. Until the cybermen.

The evil bastards.

I mean, yes, I've always thought of the Cyberman as standard Dr Who enemies: cheesy, unscary and slightly low-rent.

But now they've attacked my Alistair.

Revenge must be had. Immediately.

I suppose it says something about the show that we kept rewinding the bits with Alistair and fast forwarding through most of the rest. Mickey was a nice touch--although if the cybermen come from his alternaworld, why aren't they all planting daisies and singing Kumbayah, now that they all have emotions. Didn't they all get frotzed at the end of that earlier episode?

The Jackie/Pete reunion happy ending is pretty strongly hinted out. Let's see if the Rose/Mickey one follows, as she returns to alternaworld and "dies" on standardwhoearth.

I mildly liked the Cyberman reveal but loathed the Dalek one.  What were they thinking? Also loved the Torchwood part--can't wait for Captain Jack!

And leave my Alistair alone!

So that's what those Torchwood references were about!

Oh dear. Oh deary, deary me.

I think I’m going to have to find out exactly how much the BBC spent on this programme, work out what percentage that is of their total budget and subtract that same percentage from my TV Licence fee. In that way I can again sleep soundly knowing that I am in no way contributing to the continued existence of this Science Fiction Farce. Someone once said (I want to say that it was Sheridan -The playwright not the Babylon 5 chap - but can’t find the quote now) that swearing is the last refuge of a limited imagination and I tend to agree. But I might be tempted to break that rule for his pile of total and utter dross!!

Kidding! You were expecting me to launch into yet another diatribe about what was wrong with it and how much I hated this episode, weren’t you? Not this time. I have to say that I really enjoyed this one – It was a great episode!

And, to me at least, it was something of a surprise at the end. I have managed to avoid all spoilers and didn’t watch any of the trailers on the Beeb by closing my eyes, putting my fingers in my ears and singing "Not listening, not listening. Na-nah, na-nah, nah!!!". Which is fine at home but does tend to go down less well in Dixons.

So the fabled, mano-a-mano battle royale comes to pass. I have to say my initial response was one of excitement. "A fight between the Daleks and Cybermen sounds great!"

But then, memory kicks in with "Ah, but remember Freddy Vs Jason and Alien Vs Predator?"

And memory has a good point. Both were interesting ideas on paper. The Alien/Predator thing particularly had been brought to life incredibly well in the Dark Horse comic series. But the filmed versions were a waste of time, money, effort and a good idea. They were really, really bad. Really. And this makes me wonder. Will this latest meeting of the Titans turn out to be the diamond in the rough or merely another wasted chance?

Some dreams aren’t meant to be realised. The concept is just too perfect to be made flesh. The unobtainable "Wouldn’t it be great if…". The fact that we can tell each other how cool something would be if only somebody would do it, knowing all the while that the collective imagining will be far greater than the reality could ever be. Is this to be another humbled God?

I hope not. I really want this to work.

Coming down from the dreaming spire for a moment and lighting on a slightly more practical note. I can’t help but notice we have three Daleks against a million Cybermen? I know the pepperpots are mean, but sheer weight of numbers has to eventually work  against them. Especially now that Cyber-dudes have upgraded themselves to sporting weaponry rather than just carrying hand buzzers around. Although I did notice that one of the Daleks was a different colour. Is that significant do you think?

So, that’s the ending done. What about the rest of it?

The pre-credit scene was interesting, to say the least. Although I should have known that something as minor as death wouldn’t be able to shut Rose up. My money is on an alternate universe Rose buying the farm. ‘Our’ Rose sees how upset Jackie will be and decides to stay home with the new and improved Mickey whose Grandmother has by now come a cropper on the stair carpet because he was off in Paris fighting the good fight. But I could be wrong. It would make a change, if nothing else. And wasn’t it good to see a little continuity thrown in with that clip of Doctor 9? I wonder how much that cost the Beeb in repeat fees.

The ‘ghosts’ idea was interesting. The fact that they were being drawn to those people who wanted to see the dear departed again was touching. I’m not sure that the television would have been quite so obsessed (possessed?) with the whole thing if it had been going on for so long. If the ghosts were appearing at regular timed intervals why did they need a ghostly weather forecast? Same time, same place every day – What’s to predict? And why would they need the Ghost Watch programme? They turn up for a couple of minutes and then vanish. What’s to watch? Unless, as it was presented by the old House Doctor front man, they were intending to give the ghosts a make over. Using Mr Sheen for Spooks, of course. And then there was the long promised Eastenders appearance. I have to admit that I chuckled – That is definitely the sort of line that they would come up with in that situation. And I loved the "How did it start?", "Well, Peggy heard a noise in the cellar…" business between Jackie and the Doctor.

So, the ghost idea was good but the TV coverage was less well done. I would have preferred one factual programme covering the Ghost phenomenon and the Eastenders bit because I did like that.

Then there was a nice bit of detecting; trapping a ‘Ghost’, tracking the path of the power and setting course for the source. Which led to a very surreal moment. I can sort of understand Chrissie Watts being slightly in awe of the man they’ve been watching for a couple of centuries and maybe she would have indulged in a moment of girlishly gleeful hand clapping, but why did all the armed guards join in? Repeatedly? What was the point of having them so heavily armed if all that was really called for was a Cheerleading squad? He’s the enemy! You don’t give the bad guy an ovation. I don’t applaud the Taxman. That was just an odd moment. Still, they are among the more polite captors that we’ve encountered down through the years.

Then we have the Void Sphere, which is actually a very clever way to get around the whole wiping out of the Daleks. At some point in the past, or indeed future as neither exist in the void, you stuff them in a Void Sphere and move it outside of time and space. Then they can pop back into our reality whenever the narrative requires it or the viewing figures start to fall. It beats the hell out of waking up and finding a Dalek in your shower that’s for sure.

However, I’m hoping that it doesn’t become another convenience from whence we can get around this sort of tricky situation. I don’t want to be encountering these things every week. Especially as the Doctor said that it should be impossible. You can imagine the Void stuffed full of Golden Balls (which is odd because the void can usually be found between his ears) containing all manner of friends and foes just waiting for their cue. It’s a lovely idea and a very neat work around, but please let it be a one off.

And the Sonic Screwdriver gets another function. 12B this time (I think. I’ve only seen this the once and so I’m a little hazy on the detail). Although why he couldn’t set it to 12B before handing it over I don’t know. No idea what this setting would have done – It just sounds like a really soft pencil to me.

Although I did like the demonstration of the splintered dimension he did on the glass partition. He could actually have used some kind of sonic disruption to crack the glass in the middle of the ‘O’ like that. That was a well-explained, simple to follow and effective narrative device. I could have been watching Think of a Number.

That was a very odd office that Torchwood had as well. I know that they were monitoring the rift/link to the void/blank wall thing, but they could have faced their desks to look out of the windows and spun round on their chairs when they needed to. That wall would have been great to use as a screen for a projection TV – Imagine Barbara Windsor 30 feet tall, ten times bigger than in real life. Scary.

And why did nobody notice the fact that a few people were wearing two ear pieces all of a sudden? For a top-secret organisation they’re as bad as CTU for being infiltrated and attacked.

Has anybody else noticed that Doctor 10 seems to have adopted "I’m sorry" as his catch phrase? Most every week he gets to apologise to somebody – Even if he isn’t about to kill them. On the whole I think I prefer "Fantastic".

Whilst all this was going on, Rose was having a little adventure of her own. I assume that the sarcophagus that the TARDIS was dumped next to was a homage to Pyramids of Mars, but it’s been quite a while since I saw that story, so will just have to pretend that it was. I did wonder why Rose had to steal a white coat that had a) been conveniently abandoned right next to the TARDIS and b) fitted very well when the TARDIS has a hugely well equipped wardrobe that must have had a lab coat somewhere.

I was surprised that the psychic paper worked so well on a card reader, but did like the  fact that Dr Singh saw straight through it. It helped puncture the smugness that we’ve seen building up over time. Suddenly they are up against people that aren’t that impressed with them. They’re now facing responses more along the lines of "Ooh, you can shatter glass" and "Blank paper. Big deal" rather than the gullible, stupid and willing to believe attitudes we’ve had of late. I thought that it made a nice change and will hopefully make them (or him at least) a little more humble.

As an aside, did you know that there’s actually no such word as ‘gullible’ in the English dictionary? Fascinating little factoid for you there.

And the return of Mickey! I must admit that I thought he was going to call first, but I  have to say it was good to see him. It would appear that kicking line-dancing cyberbutt seems to have actually done him some good and I thought that he was pretty cool this time round. Even if he was another example of the CTU levels of staff screening that goes on in Torchwood. It was good to see him back and I’m sure Noel Clarke is overjoyed at being able to play the guy with a bit of gumption and finally rid the collective memory of "Ricky the Idiot".

And another fantastic cliff hanger! I know I was all excited at the end of Impossible Planet, only to feel terribly let down in the opening moments of Satan Pit but this is different. We’ve basically spent the whole of the first episode setting up the action for the next. It doesn’t need resolving all in the first five minutes. I’m looking forward to seeing everybody putting their differences aside and joining together to fight a three way battle over most of the episode. I can hardly wait!

Except, of course, that I have to. As it happens I’m off on my holidays from Friday and will not be back for a week. I just hope I remember to set the doohickey to record it. I should have checked the TV listings before booking this little jaunt, but them’s the breaks.

So there we go. That was one of the best episodes from this season and I’m very much looking forward to whenever I get to see Doomsday.

One question. Why hasn’t anybody mentioned the Cardiff branch of Torchwood yet? I  was hoping for some kind of link or name check getting us ready for the triumphant return of Captain Jack! That’s something to look forward to. I hope.

So, one episode left. And there’s still a lot to tell. The Doctor has to defeat both the Daleks and the Cybermen, reclaim his TARDIS from the Torchwood Institute, make his peace with said organisation and find a new companion. Rose has a much shorter to do list.

Gotta say, I’m looking forward to it.

TTFN. I’ll send you a postcard.

Food For Thought

I knew from last week's trailer that I wouldn't much like Army Of Ghosts.  It just had all the wrong ingredients for me; like a contestant on Ready Steady Cook who's brought their lot to the table and now has a set time limit to make it all work.

Russell T Davies, as always, brought cheese in the shape of 'Ghostbusters' (why, no matter how long a time-span the Doctor travels both past and future, are all the songs always from these past twenty years?), David Tennant provided the ham (acting) and the script, inevitably, was over-egged.

Army of Ghosts felt like the writing team behind it just couldn't wait to unleash the shoot-em-up shit grand finale upon a blockbuster-conditioned audience that next week promises to be.  This was the national anthem before the match; the support band before the main headliners; the getting ready before the going out.  This was, in fact, Bad Wolf to The Parting Of The Ways, but whilst BW was a wonderfully stylish episode handled with just the right balance of entertainment and foreboding anticipation of the lurking evil within, there was very little of the above here.  This was pure 'been there, seen that, got the T-shirt' fare unbecoming of what the programme is potentially capable of.  Premature Jack's elation couldn't even keep the Daleks a secret for another week.  If only the Grolsch man had walked on set and told them to 'schtop!  You can't rush these things!'

This was bread and butter sci-fi which Doctor Who should be above.  It was recently suggested that the Hollywood blockbuster phenomenon is dying; a hasty visit to that Swiss euthanasia clinic just to speed up the process wouldn't go amiss as far as I'm concerned.  For too long now SFX, explosions and stunts have been the real stars of Hollywood and I cannot remember the last time I actually wanted to see a new film.  But hey, never mind producing something thought-provoking, the present formula has put too many bums on seats and in LA's most glittering and fake suburb ker-ching is king.

I admit that my tastes in film and television are those held by a minority, and acknowledge that by applying this lazy formula to Doctor Who's all-important seasonal climax, Davies and co are merely taking the soft, safe option.  Davies understands television, and as Executive Producer of Doctor Who it's his ball and he can do with it as he pleases.

What Davies doesn't do 'less-is-more', as was evident from last season's Dalek stories.  Where Rob Shearman's single Dalek allowed for one-to-one tuitionesque concentration on the subject matter, Rusty's invasion of the half-a-million flying Daleks and resultant bollocks resolution to the TPOTWays' Bad Wolf sub-plot was straight outa Tinseltown.  And of course, now that the Daleks fly, they don't half like to keep reminding us of it, do they?  Add the Pet Shop Cybermen into the equation and the only thing missing is the deep-voiced Hollywood voice pronouncing 'One man...'

Don't get me wrong, this was probably a good episode.  For those who buy into the blockbuster thing and are actually entertained by these things then next week promises to be even better.  Many will argue that this is what Doctor Who is all about, but when I think of this season's highlights, such as TGITFireplace and compare and contrast them with AOGhosts then I despair at the squandered opportunities to have made better quality television more consistently.  I've booked my table in the restaurant for seven PM this coming Saturday but cannot honestly say I'm feeling ravenous.  Expecting little, I hope to be pleasantly surprised, but sadly feel that when my meal arrives it will, like much of Rusty's cullinary efforts, be overdone.

Magic

There is another point about The Army of Ghosts - one on a subject I have covered elsewhere. RTD seems overly aware that Dr Who is a magical fantasy as much as science fiction. First the obvious - Rose talks in the opening intro about the Drs "magical machine". OK, not very mucj there. But the decision to trap a ghost in a triangle is something else.

In the mediaeval magical systems known as goetia there are many rites aimed at either raising ghosts of the dead for interrogation, or demons to command, by standing inside a suitably inscribed magical circles and evoking the spirit concerned into the "triangle of art", sometimes suitably latinised as "ye triangulum".

Could be a co-incidence, but the images are well known in certain circles.