Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Scheisters of London

In a speech reported on Radio 4 6pm news, Ian Paisley referred to the IRA as ‘sliveens,’ meaning – so we’re told – the equivalent of ‘scheisters’ in Irish. Could this mean a) Rose was pronouncing it correctly and NOT just in an annoying cockney accent and b) RTDavies had actually researched a suitable name for his monstrous, (and not in a good way,) creations?

If he’s said as much in an interview somewhere I’ll just get my coat, shall I?

'Don't you dare make this place domestic'

The Doctor remonstrating Rose; or Who fans rebelling against Russell T Davies’ attempts to make their programme Buffy-lite?

I must admit to having major concerns about ‘Aliens in London’ from the moment I heard the words ‘modern day’, ‘Jackie and Mickey’ and ‘farting aliens’. After two episodes in which we saw the series’ capacity to still inspire both wonder in the far future and delight in the past, here is a show crashing down to Earth just like that CGI spaceship in the Thames. I can’t begin to say that I felt as disappointed watching this as I did after first seeing ‘Rose’, because the level of expectation simply wasn’t in the same league. Because I expected ‘Aliens in London’ to disappoint; and I wasn’t disappointed.

But it’s important to point out that there’s little wrong with the episode that couldn’t be put right by some better direction, stronger performances and a little more respect for the alien threat. Because if I had one saving grace going in, it was that the whole ‘End of the World / Standing on the verge of the apocalypse’ thing has been done so well before; not least of which by Russell T Davies himself in his taboo-busting drama The Second Coming. And what annoys me most about ‘Aliens of London’ is its casual disregard to even emulate such highbrow fare; instead opting far too often for a more tongue-in-cheek, spoof style so currently beloved of ‘Shaun of the Dead’-style aficionados. So lightweight and inconsequential are the events here that it comes as no surprise to learn - from the lips of RTD himself in this month’s DWM - that the first inspiration for this episode came from Girls Aloud’s video for ‘Jump’. I mean, hardly ripping off Universal classics, is it?

And it’s ‘Rose’ that most springs to mind during this forty-five minutes. From the sound going during the pre-credit recap (although we should be grateful that Graham Norton didn’t put in another unscheduled appearance) to Eccleston’s renewed sense of manic buffoonery, ‘Aliens in London’ again reinforces Russell T Davies’ apparent obsession with making ‘Doctor Who’ into some sort of domesticated drama. Which kind of ignores just how well Billie Piper has been doing in helping make the new series ‘relevant’ and down to earth in a much more understated way. The simple fact is that we don’t need Rose’s stereotypical cockney mum and token ethnic boyfriend to convince us that this is a living, breathing, believable human being. And such over-egging of the mix would be unfortunate even if the two were approaching the level of being likeable, relatable people.

Maybe I’m missing the point, but isn’t Doctor Who meant to be science fiction? Not a hodgepodge of clichéd social mores, sitcom-style characters and token attempts to place ‘aliens’ in a post-modern setting? I recognise the need to ground all this fantasy in some sort of reality, but do we really need Rose touching base with her domestic life, so shorn are we of an imagination? The woman’s role in Who has been rightly condemned in the past for being reduced to cypheric condescension; with even such icons as Sarah-Jane and Ace being little more than a case of actresses making the best of thinly-written rhetoric. But this move to drag the whole of suburbia - along with the companion - through the TARDIS doors is at best awkward, and worst cack-handed. It’s a bit like the whole Northern thing that Christopher Eccleston seems so intent on placing in his characterisation. The Doctor may well have been perceived as an RP-spouting, middle class toff in the past, but why make such a big thing of him going the other way? Such apparent attempts to ‘balance the scales’ smacks of the worst type of oppressed sub-cultural reactions to perceived oppressors. Surely the Doctor himself would condemn any society that turns the tables on their overlords by treating them as badly as they themselves were once treated? So why should the iconic symbol of the Doctor being a neutrally-accented person be such anathema to any ‘relevance’ he may have in a modern world. After all, the Doctor is an alien; and any attempt to impose class values - be they lower, working or upper - are pointless anyway…

I’m aware that this is becoming more of a rant against the production team’s perceived need to ‘modernise’ the programme than any detailed critique of the episode in question. But it’s something I feel has to be said, so irritatingly unnecessary such attempts seem to me to be. And given the apparent frequency of Rose’s returns home, I’ve already resigned myself to enjoying the time-travel based stories - ‘End of the World’, ‘Unquiet Dead’ - more than the present-day sojourns to her familial brood. Because for me, the new show is dangerously running the risk of aiming for Buffy-style hi-jinks with Hollyoaks-style drama, and falling miserably in-between. And it’s not like the production team hasn’t already shown signs of breathing a new, vibrant life into what the BBC, not so long ago, would have dismissed as a spent force. Just make the relevant changes relevant for me, will you guys?

But if there’s one, fundamental thing wrong with ‘Aliens of London’ - yes, I have mentioned a few, but imagine there’s only one - it’s that the whole tone that everyone’s reaching for completely undermines what is, to be fair, an interesting premise. Aliens, Independence Day-style spectacle and the chance for some satirical - and, given the impending General Election, topical - political satire all augured well for an exciting, witty two-parter. But no-one - right from the regulars (Eccleston grinning like a loon again) to the guest cast (Penelope Wilton resurrecting her ‘Ever Decreasing Circles’ sitcom turn) - even begins to take events seriously. Headlining this attitude is, of course, the crude and painfully overdone concept of the aliens adapting to their human disguise by, well, farting a great deal. Once would have been forgivable; twice risked encroaching on the mildly embarrassing. But RTD’s apparent obsession with this particular bodily movement (following, it must be reminded, his take on burping wheelie-bins in ‘Rose’) reaches an absolute nadir in the scene where the fake cabinet unite in an uninterrupted cavalcade of gaseous releases and bottom burps (I had to check Radio Times to make sure Steven Moffatt wasn’t writing). The bottom line - and that pun’s funnier than any similar attempt at humour in ‘Aliens in London’ - is that fart gags are funny, if you’re lucky, once. And, like the bad smell their inspiration leave, go off very, very quickly.

Perhaps I’m being premature - seeing as there is another episode to come - but there’s also a lot that doesn’t make sense here. Take the whole idea of the Slitheen launching that mutated pig into Earth’s orbit: does nobody see it take off, and why a mutated pig anyway? And why, seeing as the Doctor has just broken in to a top-security hospital containing the first known evidence of alien life, do the army immediately follow his lead when he barks some Chris Ryan-type orders? Then there’s this whole business of the Doctor’s age. Now, I know it’s never been consistent - Pertwee’s Doctor claimed to be ‘thousands’ of years old at one time - but why be so specific, given that both Colin and Sylvester claimed to be that age, or older, twenty years ago? And on the matter of logicality, why does Mickey carry on running for the TARDIS when it’s clear that it’s already disappearing (oh, I remember, to give us another hilarious sight-gag).

I really am trying to pick out the jewels amongst this badly conceived mess. I did love how the litter moved to one side when the TARDIS materialised outside Rose’s flat (a minor point, I admit, but one to gladden my fan heart; never before has the TARDIS’ manifestations in the real world been executed so perfectly). And Eccleston does at least have a couple of good Doctor-ish moments (his boyish laugh as he and Rose run after the downed ship and his anger at the pig-spaceman’s death almost - but not quite - make up for the ‘hyperactive teenager’ turn elsewhere). Then there’s the Scaroth-style unveiling of the Slitheen beneath their human disguises and their weirdly modulated voices. Even the teaser is unusual; never before has the Doctor getting his sums wrong been so devastating to his companion’s life (although Rose, somewhat uncharacteristically for her, seems to let this one slide). And it’s tempting to suggest that - given that this is now 2006 - someone may switch on a TV in episode two (a la ‘Remembrance’) to see how David Tennant’s going down…

But then I remember all the other awful bits that too easily wipe such moments from my mind. Like Murray Gold once again demonstrating how inept he is at action scores, or RTD’s ongoing quest to name-check every CBBC programme in history (two weeks ago, ‘Newsround’; this week, ‘Blue Peter’…I guess ‘Why Don’t You?’ can’t be far off). Then there’s the cruel suggestion that UNIT may become involved, only to be all but ignored (and would it have been too much of a pander to old fans to give Nicholas Courtney one last turn?). Oh, and those CGI Slitheen look bloody awful compared to the ‘man in suit’ ones that wobble, rather endearingly, after their quarry - a case of progress for progress’ sake?

To use a footballing analogy, it is still a game of two halves, Brian. But to extend the metaphor, I fear that a whole-scale change of tactics is more in order than any individual tinkering with personnel. Else this episode is surely doomed to a relegation dogfight rather than Champions League contention when the final placings are set come mid-June.

Asses of Fire

Well... it looked good in the trailer, didn't it? The Doctor channels Jack Bauer (lots of "Defence plan Delta! Mooove!!!" and "TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS!!!!". Well, sort of). The Mill goes bonkers and destroys Big Ben. The budget gets another kicking (at this rate the title of episode 12 could turn out to be 'Attack of the Sock Puppets'). And that nice Penelope Wilton witnesses a moment of stomach churning horror, complete with an off camera arse-clenching scream that could cut through lead.

In short, 'Aliens of London' was supposed to rock. Another chilling episode to scare the living shit out of the youngsters and get them cowering behind the sofa good and proper. What the hell happened?

Well, for starters, farts aren't all that funny. They aren't funny in SF. In a horror story, not only are they not funny, but you're just pissing any tension up against the nearest wall. Sorry RTD, this was a big, big mistake. Leave the playground humour in the Star Wars prequels where it doesn't belong either.

And just as we're recovering from that writing atrocity, a pig in a space suit makes a break for it and is gunned down by Special Forces. For one terrifying moment I was sure we were going to get a mouth-to-snout resuscitation scene.

You know, I work in an office populated entirely by women, and last week the topic of conversation was favourite TV shows. Thank Christ I kept my mouth shut...

The contemporary London setting was not without its problems either. Since when do reports on the news have their own background music? This isn't FOX. And how about a graphic of 'Alien Spacecraft Crash Lands' orbiting around the BBC News 24 logo for added effect? You know, the bit that usually says 'Iraqi Car Bomb', 'Iraqi Hostage', or 'Iraqi Hostage Killed by Car Bomb'.

All very sad, because the episode started out wonderfully. Others have commented negatively on the fact that Rose keeps popping home, but to me a gradual departure from her past life makes more sense. And even more sense that the Doctor would cock it up a bit. As you'll recall, last week he couldn't hit Naples 1860 if his Dickens collection depended on it. The fall-out from Roses disappearance is rather well played.

Oh, and what's with the Bad Wolf thing? So far we've been lead to believe that it's a brewing subplot. So why is a ten year old spray painting it on the side of the TARDIS? This had better make sense eventually.

I'd be willing to bet this was the first episode of the series to be shot. It feels like a hold-over from the dodgy Doctor Who of old. It's riddled with production mistakes (as others here have noted). And just look at the way the Slitheens heads bob up and down in the trailer for next week. Unforgivable. Do the villains really have to look like late stage Brundlefly crossed with Mister Blobby?

Let’s just get this over with and get to the bloody Dalek...

Also

As well as the episode being set in a year's time, there are a couple of other things I noticed (and I don't think anyone else has mentioned) on watching it again:

The housing project in which Rose lives is called The Powell Estate.  Could this be a reference to the controller of the BBC who actually cancelled the show in the late eighties?

Although neither of the telephone numbers for the Alien Helpline on the Rose posters work, there is another one on the doors of the army vehicle which are block The Doctor's sight of the craft and what's happening.  If you call 0800 169 2268, there is an answering machine which thanks people for calling what sounds like the Freephone Army Driving line (whatever that might be).  If anyone else noticed it I've a feeling they'll be inundated with calls tomorrow if anyone else was paying attention.  Anyone dare to leave a message?

Pigs in Spaaaaacccceeee!

OK, let's start with the pig.

Deep breath.

Having watched Aliens of London for a second time I am now willing to concede that the pig does make thematic sense (the big bad wolf) and the idea itself is disturbing and surreal; the last time we got something as WTF as this we were in the Matrix. It's the execution that lets it down.

No, scratch that. I'm convinced that even if they'd somehow managed to augment a real pig it still would have looked, well, very, very silly.

I had hoped that I'd watch this new series of Doctor Who with my jaw on the floor. This wasn't what I had in mind.

The utter ridiculousness of what I was seeing on the screen lifted me straight out of the drama. I just couldn't take the Doctor's eulogising seriously; it's a miracle that Chris could. And when you watch this episode again you won't believe that the Major wouldn't exclaim: "It looks like a bloody pig!" when he's shown the body. I mean, you would, wouldn't you?

But the pig isn't the worst of it. Farting aliens; comedy acting; Mickey's pratfall; aliens who delight in "muwhahahahahah"-ing at every given opportunity; suspect plot-holes: running the country depends on whether you can get past some gridlocked traffic or not?; idiotic marines - just take your pick.

Did I mention the farting aliens?

OK, so there's a reason for it (I think) but why bother with it in the first place? Is this really what it takes to entertain the eight year olds in the audience these days? Didn't The Phantom Menace teach the production team anything? I honestly can't remember Doctor Who descending to this scatological level before (unless you count The Curse of the Fatal Death). I just don't get it. And besides, we had gas monsters only last week, didn't we?

And it's not as if you need the copious farting to expose the aliens, you just need to whip their hats off. I mean, a zip! On the front of their heads!

Incidentally, look out for my favourite gaff in this  episode when they switch on the blue lights *before* the "policeman" has started to unzip himself.

I just realised - the last time the programme revealed a policeman to be a menacing alien impostor questions were raised in the House. Somehow I think they've got more pressing things to think about right now. Like: is Gordon Brown an alien? It might explain why he can't move his mouth properly.

The direction is pretty lousy across the board: there's some suspect continuity, plenty of examples of badly paced cutting (especially towards the end) and some poor audience orientation. They spend ages telling Rose and Penelope Wilton not to go through *that door* and yet they do. OK, so *that door* is actually down the other side of the corridor but for a moment you believe they've successfully sneaked in after all. It's poorly thought out. And the episode is crammed full of moments like these.

The cliffhanger(s) was terrible. Talk about over-egging the pudding. They didn't seem to know what the "money shot" was either, and the decision to end on the worst close-up of the Slithereen they could find ("give me more bouncy head!") made me shake *my* head in despair.

And then they spoil it all by running a trailer that reveals that everybody survives. Thanks for that!

I'm also beginning to get annoyed by the domestic angle that seems that have taken a stranglehold on the series so far. Either Rose wants to travel through time and space with the Doctor or not. All this popping back for coffee is really starting to do my nut in. I could just about buy it in the first episode where I had hoped that the bland domesticity was there to counterpoint her imminent travels with the Doctor, but they've been back twice in three episodes now! It's not as if she can't text her mother, is it?

Rose calls the Doctor "gay". Hmmmm. This comment is probably bulletproof because Russell The Davies is ( or so I'm told) gay himself. Imagine what would have happened if a straight writer had included that little exchange. Perhaps it's all about reclaiming language but I'm not Saussure (sic) as it's still used as an insult, albeit lightheartedly. I wonder what the kids in the playground will make of it? Discuss (maximum 1500 words, must be word processed and please include a bibliography).

And can I get in before Lawrence Miles and point out that this episode of Doctor Who wilfully extols the virtues of body fascism. It's obvious. Overweight people = evil.

Right, now that I've got that out of my system I'll try to focus on some of the positives:

The episode actually starts really well. The revelation that Rose has been missing for a year was a nice surprise (at first I thought she was dead) and the subplot about Mickey being a suspected murderer gave the situation some much needed realism. It seems clear to me that Mickey will eventually become an enemy of the Doctor, but how are we ever going to take a man who revels in "comedy walking" seriously?

And, as Damon mentioned earlier, this abduction subplot goes nowhere fast. In fact, Jackie seemed to handle the whole thing extremely well and five minutes after Rose is back it's as if nothing had ever happened. She even lets the Doctor back into her house so he could commandeer the TV (even though he's got his own).

Anyway, back to the good stuff (it is a struggle, isn't it?):

• The alien crash-landing was superb (but why are Rose and the Doctor still crouching for cover AGES after the ship has passed overhead?)
• Big Ben's destruction was lovely and I enjoyed the moment when the Doctor wrote it off as a staged event "Big Ben - as if!"
• Eccleston piloting the TARDIS with a hammer was splendid, as was the Gallifreyan post-it note
• The reference to UNIT was nice (shame they were useless, so far)
• The TV Movie homage was the only genuinely creepy thing in the entire episode ("It's alive!")
• The bloke out of Teachers was great - he actually tried playing it straight.
• The Slithereen's eyes were spooky. In fact the real aliens reminded me of Michael Palin in the last few minutes of Brazil.
• Andrew Marr (and did you notice that News 24 one year from now will accompany its news reports with cheesy melodramatic music!??)

4 out of 10. A little harsh, perhaps, but we've got to sit through this rubbish again next week. I just hope the floating audience will as well...

Gone with the Wind

My name is Damon Querry and I have a secret identity. One that I use to cover up a range of special secret powers. The power that is most special and most secret is the ability to produce, in unbelievably vast quantities, rotten gut gas and emit at predetermined intervals. Which entertains my 6-year-old niece but doesn’t endear me to the rest of my friends, family or the remainder of humanity. I wonder if Aliens of London had a similar impact.

As the braying audience of Strictly Bollocks (or whatever it’s called) dies down there’s a Hustle trailer where they’re about to be arrested, by some woman from Cold Feet, for fraud. Leaves me hoping that the people responsible for perpetrating Aliens of London are similarly hunted down and abused.

Ok, that’s a little harsh, but my initial reaction wasn’t good. That said there were of course some nice touches – like the litter being blown away from the spot where the TARDIS lands. There are also some overtly adult themes going on here, and some potentially hard hitting storylines, that just aren’t really explored:

 
• Rose’s “abduction”.
 
• Mickey’s accused of all sorts of horrifying crimes.
 
• Even the possibility of the Doctor grooming Rose for Internet sex.

It’s got all the plodding pedestrian direction of an episode of some inexplicable popular teen treadmill soap, but without any of the balls to flesh out some of the more interesting storylines.

The space ship flying over central London and crashing into the Thames is more than this episode deserves. Tho it does remind me of the end of the recent Thunderbirds movie (I accept that I might be the only person in existence who actually enjoyed that film). However, they were crouching down for an awful long time on that rooftop whilst the spaceship flies over That London, only getting up again once it’s crashed into the Thames. And I love the fact that some pleb in the ensuing traffic chaos is blaming Red Ken for the problems.

I did have a problem with the “Let’s watch it all on TV” part of the show. But I suppose that that’s real life. When 9/11 happened we all decamped to the pub, gawped unbelievably at horrific scenes unfolding on screens usually reserved for the latest euro soccer ball tedium, and probably had similarly inane conversations. Nice plug for Blue Peter, a little more substantial than simply having Ace wear a badge on her jacket.

And to cap it all - Andrew Marr. The biggest prosthetic ear job since the Vulcan crowd scene in series 65, episode 34 of Star Trek: The 9th Voyaging Enterprise Generation. Probably.

My biggest gripe, as you might have worked out, concerns the farting aliens. Yes, it’s interesting that these aliens only seem to be able to inhabit slightly chunky people, in the Britain of the 21st century that could mean a substantial percentage of the populace, but this was so far overdone that all remained was a blackened charcoal mass of rubbish. The visible zippers are also a little silly (on the policeman in Jackie’s flat) better to unzip the pleb-suit from a hidden zip. The augmented Pig in Space (anyone seen The Muppet Show?) came a close second in the gripe stakes, although with hindsight it isn’t as bad as it seemed and there’s an interesting story developing (at last, Ed.) concerning a faked alien attack by some aliens.

How did Jackie Tyler know the blue box was called a TARDIS? When is she told that piece of information? Yet she’s able to tell the Government Alien Emergency Helpline about it. Or have I missed something?

The mention of U.N.I.T. gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. And Mickey’s been reading up on the Doctor in the past year – probably maintaining the recently deceased Clive’s website.

The Slitheen themselves actually look fairly good, with their podgy, jowly faces they look like an entire race of Marlon Brandos. Pity we had to suffer 43 minutes of fart gags and wasted opportunities before we got to them.

And a cliffhanger, the fanboys have been braying for this for, well, just forever. The triple menacing cliffhanger was made completely superfluous within 34 nanoseconds with the next week trailer. Why? Just what was the point?

Loving the Alien? Maybe not

Well the law of averages demands that after three weeks of the stories getting stronger and stronger that a chink had to appear in the armour. I won't spend long on this but at best it was great to get the reintroduction of UNIT (sort of, but that made sense not to have the Doctor rush to their aid), Penelope Wilton, the morgue scenes were pretty spooky and the ship crashing into Big Ben - well that was superb. Even the pig thing had a surreal charm to it.

However the farting monsters just weren't funny - juvenile in a McCoy era kind of way and given the suggested superior technological make-up of the aliens, just didn't make much sense. The aliens are wonderfully/dreadfully (delete to suit your mood) rubbery and the shock factor was completely removed from the episode by seeing the aliens reveal themselves to be just that, earlier in the story. Rickey is rubbish - a dreadful performance, right down to the crashing into the metal fence with the subtlety of the TARDIS' dimensions.

The biggest gripe (and by the way I still enjoyed the episode overall) was the reveal that the Doctor is alive and well in the next episode. Yes I know we know that he always wins, but as a kid I actually got worried that he wasn't going to make it. Given that the tenth Doctor has been announced, it would have been better to remove any scenes with the Doctor during the 'next week' montage.

Still, I did get a buzz from the idea that this is a two-parter and nice to see the cuts between three scenes, not just putting the Doctor in danger.