The Time Warrior - Part 1
Even by UNIT's increasingly questionable standards, this one takes some beating. Scientists are disappearing, so why not gather them all together one handy location and present a one stop shop braniac convenience store for whoever is taking them. While you're at it, why not make it even easier and construct several large straws so that the alien menace can simple drive one through the top of the building and suck out all the boffiny goodness inside, like some brain-flavoured Kia Ora.
Because, let's face facts here, you're not going to rely upon the UNIT provided watertight security to prevent any of the boffins from being abducted. They talk about military intelligence being an oxymoron, well I'd suggest that "a secure UNIT facility" was another. That ranks almost as high as Torchwood Celibacy.
"Something that even The Gay Semaphore Association of America would be ashamed to be seen with."
Investigative journalist Sarah Jane Smith would be more productively employed investigating the shambolic state of UNIT's security services, rather than blagging her way into a top security establishment like a 3AM Girl getting into *the* VIP party of the year. I was astounded, given the evidence of this first episode, she became the Queen Mother of the franchise, given how she attempts to make the story by playing one party off against another. Sarah Jane Smith: Investigative Reporter and Professional Shit Stirrer. Woodward and Bernstein this isn't.
I should retrospectively apologise to any younger readers who've stumbled upon this thinking it was a lovingly touching tribute to The Sarah Jane Adventures. It isn't. That follows shortly. It's a good job that companions characters are basically rendered down to all the complexity and depth of a snowflake in hell following their initial appearance, I don't think I could have stomached much more her like this.
"A pineapple thrust up his flue."
Other problems I'm currently experiencing: the Sontaran flag. Then they were perfecting the cloning of warriors, did their gene therapy process have to expunge all traces of the stem cell that eventually leads to flag aesthetics? Was that the price they had to pay to become ruthless, BacoFoil, warriors? No matter how much military hardware you've got behind you, if you pitch up on someone else's manor and skewer their gaff with something that even The Gay Semaphore Association of America would be ashamed to be seen with then you'd be lucky if the locals didn't laugh until the sheer volume of tears left their bodies desiccated husks. Although this could well be one of the principles of Sontaran war policy.
The other thing is the Doctor. Or more specifically, when they Doctor is seen walking in his green velvet jacket. The man's displaying all the confused body language of someone who's had a pineapple thrust up his flue to prevent escape of noxious gasses. He seems to rotating at his middle as he walks and I simply can't watch it without hearing Patrick Macnee and Honor Blackman's Kinky Boots and seeing Matt Lucas' character from Catterick.
Try it. I guarantee that you'll not even notice Linx removing his helmet...
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 1 of The Time Warrior: UNIT is ranked slightly above The Cub Scouts, but somewhat below The Woodcraft Folk, on the Braden Scale of Quasi Military Organisations.