Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

"I'm a very good judge - of drama."

From Kate Orman:  "I hear a lot about how Russell T. Davies keeps telling us all how brilliant he is. I will donate $AU5 to Comic Relief for every individual example of RTD boasting about his own talent since the new Doctor Who was announced."

Example:  "... I'm lucky that the BBC wasn't telling me what to do: they were waiting for me to tell them. That's the status I have in the industry. They're getting me in as a big name writer, and you don't get in a big name writer and tell him what to do." (DWM 359)

Any more, for any more?

Oh yes... Now we know.

Planet of Fire - Episode 1

Is it just me or is there nothing that really happens in this episode? Perhaps there were one or two things distracting me but what else was there? There were some issues to do with people having the mark of Doritos tortilla snack, Peter Wyngarde, a ton of flesh and that's about it.

And the flesh shots can be basically boiled down into five stages:

1) The postal order shot: Howard and his pecks - the firmest pair of man breast this side of a couple of Dalek etheric beam locators.

2) The money shot: Peri gets changed into her bikini and plunges into the salty brine. Perhaps salty brine isn't the best form of words for what is, in essence, Who Porn.

3) The loose change shot: Turlough strips down to his briefs to rescue a damsel in distress - a little frees-ant flickers across the other portion of the male viewing population who were unmoved by Peri's assets.

4) The banker's draft shot: Turlough drops an unconscious and damp Peri onto the beech. Spotty little Doctor Who fans think all their Christmases have come at one. And, consequently, they too all come at once.

5) The wire transfer shot: An unconscious and dripping Peri is deposited into one of the TARDIS beds, exhausted from her ordeal.

And that's basically it. Unless I've missed anything out...?

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 1 of Planet of Fire: even right up until her death, Mary Whitehouse would continually complain about the size of Peri's assets taking great pains to describe just how large and inappropriate they were to be shown at that time of an evening.

Shake 'n Voc

The Robots of Death Part 3

This is the episode where the Robots start to take over and where the human crew of ther Sandminer realise that it is actually the Robots who are systematically trying to kill them one by one, and that the Doctor and Leela are not killers after all.

We also see the person who is behind all of the killers padding around in shoes with bacofoil on them, in a similar fashion to the Voc robots themselves and we also get to see said mad man wearing a cowled mask just so that we don’t know who it is, even though by now, out of the remaining crew members there is really only person that it could have been.

The one person who seemed to the tech member of the crew and would possibly be the one person able to reprogramme the voc robots to do his willing. Have you guessed who it is yet?

By this time it is obvious who is the culprit is and before long the rest of the reprogrammed robots are given a crew member to kill at random and we are then into the home straight of the story. Will the rest of the crew survive the robots plan’s to murder them? Who is behind the murders of the crew? When will somebody realise that D84 is able to speak?

This episode sees the rather embarrassing moment where they used a comedy sound effect for when Leela’s knife embedded itself into a voc robot. This episode also sees Poul fall to Grimwade’s syndrome, a condition that turns you into a gibbering wreck whenever you watch a story written or directed by Peter Grimwade. Time Flight could possibly kill him!

The Robots of Death Part 4

The final episode of this story moves along at a fair lick and before you know it the Doctor and Leela are leaving the Sandminer for their next exciting adventure.

Dask finally reveals himself to be the culprit behind the mutiny of the robots and the Doctor manages to save the day merely by opening a cannister of helium gas, and poor old D84 buys it, but not before he saves the day by destroying himself, and all of the other robots in the vicinity.

It was a shame that D84 got destroyed as he was quite a good character, and possibly might have made an interesting alternative companion, although quite how he would have fitted into the following adventure, The Talons of Weng Chiang would be open to debate.

I personally think that it would have been interesting to have him as a companion, and would have worked a lot better than Kamelion did a few years later, anyway I digress. Toos, also, I mean who wouldn’t have want to have seen Toos and Leela together in the TARDIS, I’m digressing again.

Suffice to say The Robots of Death is an example of a classic Doctor Who story and was one of the first stories that I owned on video, so it was a story that I have watched numerous times, but have never tired of, which is surely the mark of a great story.

"Yeah, its an odd feature of the Time Lord molecular structure that every couple of years they regenerate into someone cheaper..."

Something I thought I'd never see -- self professed nerd site, Slashdot, covers Russell's season four confirmation:  "Well, I expect to see William Hartnell will reprise his role for the first couple of stories, but I expect they'll recast. I'd say the actor Patrick Troughton, who played Phineas in the recent Jason and the Argonauts movie would be a good choice.  Hold on. It is 1966 isn't it? My TARDIS often gets the date wrong."

"If you’re the type of person who wants to avoid any foreknowledge of future episodes, some of the interviews in this podcast contain mild spoilers."

The Stage magazine recently began a series of podcasts and the second is all about the new series, featuring an interview with Julie Gardner along with a few words from the likes of Adam Woodyatt and Noel Clarke.  Not that I've heard it.  The thing is 29 meg which suggests that file compression was the last thing on their minds.  Not everyone had broadband you know!

Updated: Scott Matthewman from The Stage has just said in the comments that the podcast has been reposted and its now just 7.5 meg.  Thanks very much Scott.  I'm off to download it now.

Spoilers: "Really, both episodes were fantastic."

Graham from Off The Telly reports on the press launch:  " I got to chat to Freema about the time she went to a Star Trek convention dressed as Dax."  Her nerd points are accumulating impressively -- suddenly, I've totally warmed to her.

Hey now little mouse, show me what to do!

The Robots of Death - Episode 4

Sorry... I became momentarily distracted by the sight of Toose and Leela huddled together in a hopper.

Well, I say momentarily, I actually mean at length. And I say distracted, but I actually mean obsessed. Where the hell is this going? Where the hell are Leela's wandering hands and wayward stare going? Gentlemen, put down your copy of Nuts and pay attention. You've lived through ant on moth action. You've lived through asthmatic martians. And you've lived through rampaging evil mutton men and now it's getting interesting. Finally. Not since the Doctor french-kissed the Brig in THAT deleted scene has there been so much sexual tension on display in an episode of Doctor Who. I for one thought I was about to explode.

But then, wouldn't you know it, they leave the hopper without having to adjust their clothing or anything. Boo. Hiss.

Dask, on the other hand, has never known the touch of soft flesh of a woman, or even a man, and is only used to the cold steel of rude mechanicals. Which, of course, explains fully why he's developed such a remarkable skin complaint in such a short space of time. The quilt master has had enough skulking behind a Clan hood and is out and proudly leading his reprogrammed metal men around the ship, having rendered the remaining bots nothing more iterating than living statues found in shopping precincts.

Meanwhile, there's plenty of talk of Grimwade's theory of robophobia. And next we tackle Grimwade's theory of cramming as much flesh into the screen space as possible. Lovely. Campaign for Real Totty in Doctor Who appears to be having a measurable effect.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 4 of The Robots of Death: this episode was given away free with an issue of both Nuts and Zoo.

Thanks for the Mammaries

Presumably all you want to know is how many minutes into this episode is that bikini shot. Well, it’s fifteen. And this time I counted.

Planet of Fire Part 1

Imagine if you can Peter Grimwade’s reaction to JNT’s brief for this story. ‘Okay, Pete, I want you to set a story somewhere foreign - how’s about Lanzarote cos I can get about thirty of us there on a cheap package do - and we need to set up a few things in time for Peter’s departure story afterwards. What’s that, his replacement? Oh you’ll love him - very popular TV actor. Huge a few years ago, in fact pretty hefty these days if I’m honest. And very good at weddings. Right then, you’ve also got to write out Turlough, do something with Kamelion - I’ll explain that one later - and introduce the new American assistant. It’s okay, she’s not really American - but she’s got a couple of big assets. Oh, and before I forget, Tony Ainley’s been pestering me about some work again - yeah I know, nutty as squirrel shit inni - but to be fair the cricket season doesn’t start ‘til April. So, any questions? Pete…Pete, you there..?’

It’s a curious one, ‘Planet of Fire’. Set between arguably the two grand-standing stories of Season 21, its remit - as the above may have already suggested - is more to tie loose ends than be any coherent piece of drama. So the result is a shopping-trolley full of demands that even Terrance Dicks might have balked at. But I think its biggest problem - at least based on these opening twenty-five minutes - is that it looks a lot better than it really is. The location filming around Lanzarote’s desolate, volcanic plains must have made you think they’d accidentally put Holiday 84 on instead. And rarely has the switch between film and studio had such an arresting effect on your sense that this is all taking place in the same piece of television. It doesn’t help either that the stuff on Lanzarote - the real Lanzarote that is - is far more interesting than that on Sarn; populated as it is by a society of school nativity play rejects who bore you senseless with their talk of ‘chosen ones’ and Logar. And in Edward Highmore’s Malkon you have someone who could gorm for his country; and who would a year later in Howard’s Way be so wet as to make even the land-based action soggy.

in Edward Highmore’s Malkon you have someone who could gorm for his country

And yes, there is an awful lot of flesh on show even before we get to that moment. In fact the story could be subtitled ‘Young Men in Shorts’, as pretty much everyone - save the Doctor, whose only concession to the blistering temperature is to dump the celery and put on a natty sleeveless cardy - is bare-legged, bare-chested or just bearable. Even Turlough - apparently at the whim of JNT, who following Nyssa’s skirt-dropping exit had somehow imagined that it was now traditional for the departing companion to shed clothing in their final story - is at one point down to his speedos (though given the chance to ‘rescue‘ Nicola Bryant, who wouldn‘t be?). Not even Torchwood could boast this amount of wobbling meat in every episode…

And it’s a good thing too, as beyond the surface of sunny tourist traps and - gasp - heaving companion-puppies, there’s bugger all to maintain the interest. Given the sort of location that would have made Pennant Roberts weep, Fiona Cumming’s direction is so pedestrian as to have a double yellow line down the middle of it. And whatever subtext there is to the Sarn inhabitants’ obsessing about faith and human sacrifice is couched in such dull dialogue and characterisation as to make you desperate for the next flash of Turlough’s thighs. Thank God then that Peter Wyngarde is the sort of actor that can make any dross like this sound like Shakespeare; his constant purring about the only memorable thing in this episode beyond the purely visual.

pretty much everyone is bare-legged, bare-chested or just bearable

And then there’s Kamelion, JNT’s own Millennium Dome of misguided disasters. Check out how bored Peter Davison looks sharing a scene with the lip-synched robot and you’ve got all the reasons why he decided to jump ship rather than commit to a fourth year. Having apparently been somewhere in the TARDIS for the past five stories - and judging by his state he was probably sticking his metallic nob in one of the ship’s roundels - Kamelion gets to scream, balance precariously by the TARDIS console and play dress-up again as the principal guest cast. Which means that as Howard he has to wear a dark suit for no explicable reason - except of course because it’s what the Master/Kamelion will be wearing - and gets to turn into Ainley in time for a shit-eating grin before the closing credits.

I suppose we’d also better mention Peri, seeing as she’s about the only reason that the VHS for this story ever risks getting worn out. Well, besides her wavering accent - making you wonder what part of America JNT thought Nicola Bryant was from (Hampshire?) - she makes a decent enough impression (now then, don’t be crude) and her relationship with Howard is arguably one of the first of Doctor Who’s now de rigueur delves into domestic angst (apparently one of the interminable Big Finish audios even suggested some sort of abusive relationship, but you get no real hint here apart from Peri’s fear of Howard ‘abandoning’ her). Though what she thinks she’s going to do with the novelty dildo that her stepfather has dragged up from the depths is, perhaps, best left to the slash writers.

And then there’s Kamelion, JNT’s own Millennium Dome of misguided disasters

But despite what we try to make of ’Planet of Fire’ more than twenty years later, it’s that one moment that will forever be burned on fandom’s consciousness and have a million then-teenage boys crossing their legs at the memory. In an instant all memories of androgynous, page-boy sixties companions are forgotten and Doctor Who gets a collective hard-on the likes of which will make even Torchwood seem impotently flaccid. And God bless Nicola Bryant for that.

Next time: more talk, less flesh. And Ainley gets to play two roles, both of them shit.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about Planet of Fire 1: 95% of Doctor Who fans lost their virginity to themselves when this episode was first broadcast)

Weapons Grade Pornography

The Robots of Death - Episode 3

Oh the horror! You're stuck on a mobile mine ship, in the middle of an open cast field the size of Guatemala, and you suddenly find yourself in the middle of a Symphony voice over situation where people start moaning about the reparability or repairability status of some of the robots.

"I hope he never gets a Terminator film out of the Mine recreational archives cos he'll shit himself."

They're not the most dedicated of killers, these androids, are they? The one that's after Leela could have been out manoeuvred by a slightly damp carrot. Surely the other people the robots have killed by this stage deserved to die? If one of them couldn't outsmart one of these creeping duvets then they didn't deserve to go on sucking air down. I don't know what Poul's so bothered about. Surely there's no need to cower under a console out of the way of these things. Just maintaining a healthy, brisk, pace would suffice. I hope he never gets one of those old Terminator cine films out of the Mine recreational archives cos he'll shit himself.

"A small human boy being looked after and brought up by a family of white goods from an electrical chain superstore."

D84 is behaving no better. Miserable little sod. His indifference chip is working overtime and his ennui settings are off the scale. He'd not even be moved by the sight of one of his elders and betters with his head mashed in. Dumb by name, pig shit by nature. He's trying to locate Taren Capel, and doesn't know what he looks like, but does know that from childhood he has only lived with robots. A kind of mechanized Jungle Book, if you will, with a small human boy being looked after and brought up by a family of white goods from an electrical chain superstore.

Lets hope he doesn't have any psychological hang-ups where kitchen goods are involved, otherwise any talk of fitted Symphony appliances could well result in an awkward arousal situation and some explaining to do every time he sees a quad-slice toaster.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 3 of The Robots of Death: this episode was given away free with an issue of Robot Bothers Monthly.

Voc 'n Roll

The Robots of Death Part One

Part one starts off with a nice model shot of the Sandminer drifting through the unnamed planet on which the are stationed, followed by a shot of the main control room, or bridge, of the Sandminer and the robot crew who seem to manning the whole operation.

We then move to the opulence of the crew room where the human members of the crew are enjoying a rest period while they wait for the robots to let them know when they are needed to go back and do some work. From this moment on you get the impression that the robot crew are considered to be second class citizens on the Sandminer and the human crew expect to be waited upon hand and foot and leave most of the work to the robots apart from the more refined aspect of mining on which they consider the robots to be inferior.

Then the Doctor and Leela appear and then we see the rather nice wooden effect control room for the last time.

Part one of this story is basically a set up for the last three episodes of the story and what is nice about it is it introduces all of the characters from the story and there is only a few of them and sets up the whole world which is still full of life today in the Kaldor City audios and in Chris Boucher's BBC Doctor Who novel Corpse Marker.

It is a tribute to the world that Chris Boucher introduced in this story that even today people are still interested in stories set in that particular world.

What is most striking in this story is the design work on the story, particularily the design of the Voc Robots themselves, which is, quite frankly, some of the best design work I have ever seen in Doctor Who ever.

I am not too sure about the costumes wore by the Sandminer crew and the bizarre eye make up that they worse but the design of the robots was fantastic.

By the end of the first episode we are totally aware of the fact that the robots are running amok and it is interesting how the human crew of the Sandminer are so suspicious of each other and the Doctor and Leela.

The model work was generally very good but the moment when the TARDIS was lifted out of one of the miners scoops did just remind me of one of those grabbers you see in arcades on sea fronts all over the country. Apart from that, which is a very minor thing, this was an excellent episode and a great start to what would turn out to be a fantastic Doctor Who story.

The Robots of Death Part 2

In part 2 you can say that the shit really begins to hit the fan in this episode as a couple more of the Sandminer crew are found dead with Corpse Markers on them. This is also where the Doctor and Leela really get involved with the plot and we meet the friendly dumb robot, D84, who has a wonderfully mellifluous voice, who is not really meant to be able to speak at all.

In this episode the mystery deepens as the Doctor and Leela are found and assumed to be the killers by the majority of the sandminer's crew, in particular Commander Unvanov. This doesn't help when Leela is found in a room with the dead body of a member of the sandminer's crew when Uvanov enters the room.

The Doctor was also rescued from one of the scoops where another body of a sandminer crew was found, and despite the Doctor's protestations, the were both held for questioning.

It was, of course, only a matter of time, before a murder was commited when the Doctor and Leela were otherwise engaged.

The cliffhanger for the second episode was hardly up there with the greatest cliffhangers of the Tom Baker era, with the Sandminer seemingly about to crash and sink into the depths of the desert planet.

Robot Revolution

‘Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be…Gary Glitter’

The Robots of Death Part 4

And you rejoin us for the Sandminer Strangling Olympics, as V6 has another go at Toos (whose neck is gonna resemble a turkey’s if she gets any more neck rubs) and one of the other Vocs gets all Graeme Williams and tries to throttle to life out of our Uncle Tom. Luckily Uvanov - having disappeared inexplicably for much of the last episode - is on hand to make warranty-breaking use of the Laserson probe. To its 1001 uses you can probably add ‘violent head stabbing’, as Mary Whitehouse sits at home and sprays her finest Dah Jeeling across the living room walls.

Now here’s something that really doesn’t make sense this episode. As mentioned, V6 is having a gay all time getting all auto-asphyxiate with Toos when SV7 suddenly commands all Vocs to return to control. Something even more important than killing humans? No actually, as all the neutral-voiced nonce does is then tell V6 and another of his homicidal chums to go and kill all the remaining humans. Durrr! If I was V6 I’d be having a word with my union and seeking an upgrade to a natty silver suit instead of boring old green.

the hapless Poul is revealed to have a morbid fear of behind-the-scenes personnel

With D ‘Please do not throw hands at me’ 84 on board, the remaining survivors convene to the control deck, where the hapless Poul is revealed to have a morbid fear of behind-the-scenes personnel. This allows Baker to show what a master he was at the exposition dump, while giving the story a nice little subtext beyond the chase-and-kill dynamic of its previous three episodes. What is perhaps not as successful is delaying the revelation that Dask is behind all the killing, as to even the profoundly stupid it must be long obvious that he’s Taren Capel. Still, the move into a Glam Rock look was at least unexpected, but for Dask to get insulted by the Doctor for his ‘ridiculous’ look - bearing in mind what the best-dressed Time Lord would be wearing in a couple of incarnations time - is perhaps the final straw.

So, with the humans on the offensive as Uvanov and Toos become a pair of unlikely bombers, the Doctor manufactures a kill-all robot deactivator in the shape of a BAFTA and hatches a plan so simple even Leela can understand it. Luring the Martin Luther King of robots to their lair, the Doctor goads Dask/Taren Capel/The Leader of the Gang long enough for his voice to be altered by Leela’s hidden helium canister. And when SV7 doesn’t recognise his voice - suggesting not only that robots can’t tell the difference between a curly-haired loon and a robot with a scarf and hat on its head, but also the difference between a normal human and one wearing far too much stage make-up - strangling inevitably results and the robot Che Guevara squeaks his last. And if you thought that was all that didn’t make sense, then how come SV7 is immune to the kill-all blast that the ill-fated D84 sets off? Or was he just not ‘in range’ at the time? Hmmm.

the Doctor manufactures a kill-all robot deactivator in the shape of a BAFTA

So with all of civilization saved once again, the Doctor and Leela make their way back to the TARDIS without so much as a cheerio. Not to mention checking that the rest of the dormant robots are back to behaving like polite shop assistants. Now how is Uvanov gonna explain all that in his end of survey report?

Next time: bring the suntan oil as we set course for Lanzarote and Janet Fielding chokes on a hobnob when she sees the new companion’s outfit.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Robots of Death 4: despite its definition here, ‘Robophobia is in fact a morbid dread of people called Rob)

CSI Storm Mine 7

The Robots of Death - Episode 2

It's Michaelmas term at The Brian Croucher School of Shouty Acting. In the desiccated badger pellet room, Tom is channelling the role of a Shakespearian serf trapped in a vat of dried vermin poo whilst lamenting the unrequited love of a toadstool. Whilst the rest of us mere mortals are merely obsessed and, indeed fixated, on Pamela Salem's nipples. Primeval might have a 90% audience share amongst pant aficionados, but back in 70's Who the protruding chapel hat peg or two was certainly enough to keep an audience, normally only aroused by a little light porn interpretation from Pan's People, interested.

"These aren't the quilts you're looking for."

David Collings has just been bouffanted to within an inch of his life over in the trainee hairdressing salon. Have they just used his own head as a cast for those of the quilted droids? The wavy thatch is almost an exact match. Should there have been a cross over between this episode and Star Wars IV would we have witnessed Sir Alec Guinness utter the immortal line, "these aren't the quilts you're looking for", whilst attempting to simultaneously use Jedi mind tricks and mutter under his breath why he was busy pissing away the remainder of a glorious career.

"Poked awake by a sharpened 3 litre bottle of cider, in a Sauchiehall Street kebab shop toilet."

Then Headmaster Croucher puts in an appearance with a master-class of understated shouting. It's a fine line between realistic and sympathetic portrayal of a man in turmoil, and the sort of wide-eyed screaming madness that only a drunk Glaswegian, poked awake by a sharpened 3 litre bottle of cider, in a Sauchiehall Street kebab shop toilet, is capable of. And yet Brian manages it.

That's why he's an actor and you're just a degenerate putty fondler. You'll never amount to much in this life, and Brian's the one to scream it at you until your flood of tears renders you as desiccated as a ton of badger pellets.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 2 of The Robots of Death: this episode was given away free with an issue of Pig Breeder and Porcine Fanciers Weekly.

Freedom. Power. Death

The estate of Isaac Asimov received royalties of £3.67 for this episode

The Robots of Death Part 3

As the Doctor and Dask grapple like a pair of well-coiffed wrestlers, someone finally has the sense of cutting the zeta link - obvious when you think about it really - and disaster is averted. As the unnaturally calm Dask goes to prevent the sandminer repeating the mistakes of the Titanic - whatever that is - Toos takes command and Leela gets all Florence Nightingale (and I bet we all wouldn’t mind a bit of bedside manner from her, eh? Fnar, fnar! (Ahem, sorry)).

‘Keep an eye on Poul‘, says the Doctor in another attempt to throw a particularly whiffy red herring our way. Admittedly his marvellous mane of hair is suspiciously static given all the goings-on - sandminer-issue hairspray must set like concrete judging by the lack of movement in David Collings’ follicles - but he seems a genial enough chap. He even takes the time to inform Leela she’s drinking someone else’s piss for the eighth time. Still, I suppose there’s something a bit off with him; and I suspect it’s not just the faint smell of urine on his breath either.

sandminer-issue hairspray must set like concrete judging by the lack of movement in David Collings’ follicles

Checking on the deactivated robots, it seems like one of the victims put up a struggle and his attacker got his head bashed in for the privilege (though why this particular Voc decided to use more - how shall we say - invasive ways of offing someone rather than the tried-and-tested strangulation method is never explained). And again at the risk of spoiling things for anyone else, I won’t draw attention to the fact that the mysterious voice ordering the robots to kill the remainder of the crew sounds an awful like Dask. Oops!

Though at least they haven’t made it plainly obvious that Dask and the fabled Taren Capel are actually one and the same. Giving each of the Vocs a psychotic makeover with his Laserson Probe (only from Ronco) this hooded figure could be Dask, Taren Capel or just someone with too much time to play dressy-uppy to be honest. But the sight of a faceless figure operating on a faceless robot is a nicely sinister moment that has certainly stuck in my mind ever since first seeing it in 1977.

D84 is a curious sort, a bit like Kryten from Red Dwarf on mogadon

Meanwhile the Doctor’s getting all chummy with D84 and possibly wondering what it would be like to have a mechanical companion full-time while he’s at it. This dry run for K-9 is a curious sort, a bit like Kryten from Red Dwarf on mogadon and strangely fond of saying ‘I heard a cry’ over and over again for no discernible reason. Though with artificial life all around getting a bit too fond of squeezing any passing larynxes, it’s comforting to know that at least one robot hasn’t been watching too many Tony Curtis films for it to go to their head.

So with each of the survivors now with Voc-shaped prices on their heads, it remains to be seen who will and who will not make it to episode four with their vocal cords intact. While SV7 gets the plum job of visiting Toos in her quarters - though apparently not with the intention of killing her straight away, the dirty bugger - V5 can’t believe his luck when he draws Leela in this homicidal version of a lucky dip. And with events reaching their characteristic crescendo as Dudley ramps up the bangs and clashes, V6 tries to do what several 70s directors no doubt yearned to do - throttle Tom Baker. Though he could at least have waited until the Doctor had done his promised karaoke version of ‘Take My Breath Away’ by Europe…

Next time: tune in to see 70s glam-rock God Gary Glitter make a surprise appearance.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Robots of Death 3: Poul’s nervous breakdown - the yet-to-be-named ‘Grimwade’s Syndrome’ - was in fact as a result of being scared shitless by the Production Assistant)

Four Regenerations and a Wedding

The Curse of Fatal Death

I knew almost instinctively, as the thought of including this story began to grow in my mind, that I'd certainly be making something of a serious error. A serious error of certain seriousness. All the signs are there. A comedy time rotor, plunging away with all the vigour of an over excitable teenager during his first sexual encounter. An incarnation of the Master so camp he could rent out pitches to boy scouts for the purpose of holding a jamboree. And a Doctor oozing the sort of calm reassurance that only a degree in electrical and electronic engineering from Newcastle University can provide one with.

"Both contain a large serving of Andrew Beech."

The TARDIS one-upmanship might grate a little but The Curse of Fatal Death is, at the very least, several million times better than 30 anniversary cock show charity skit Dimensions in Time. Impressive, given that both contain a large serving of Andrew Beech, although the fact that he's hidden in this (presumably encased with in a Dalek sarcophagus which he resides in to this date) is a bonus. And whilst we're on with the credits, it appears that the production involved a company called The Mill. They must have upgraded their post production facilities since 1999, and the visual power that only 17 G3 Bondi iMacs, daisy-chained into a parallel superish computer could muster. The backdrops, particularly on arrival at the planet Tersurus, look amazingly like something you'd find in an episode of late 80's/early 90's spotty ITV child-fest, Knightmare.

"I use the word hard there to loosely imply a tenting motion in a gentleman's nether pants."

As for what remains of the story, well, there's a group of charity shop Daleks (all odds and ends that have been scraped together from various fan conventions), more sexual innuendo then you'd find in any one of my blog posts (a very hard act to follow, if you ask me [and I use the word hard there to loosely imply a tenting motion in a gentleman's nether pants]), more fart gags than in a Jacuzzi full of skin-suited Slitheen and a companion who, every time I hear her speak, reminds me of Charley Pollard.

But, damn it, it's for charity. So that's all right then.

We now return you to your scheduled Stripped Down 5 programmes...

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Curse of Fatal Death: the generations of children who grew up with their only frame of Doctor Who reference being charity skits believed that throughout its long and hidden past it had always carried on-screen phone numbers, with early black and white episode having an on-screen telephone operator sitting there to manually redirect incoming calls.