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Fourth Season Commissioned. Something I think we sort of knew already but a confirmation is buried at the bottom of this Daily Telegraph interview. Not much else we haven't heard before other than that a Christmas special has already been written and Russell wishes that he'd done a Dickens adaptation. [via]
JO GRANT
MEMBER SINCE: 1971
LOCATION: Dingy church basement
MOOD: O.O;;;;;;
Everything got v. exciting today but I was down in stuffy cavern with pongy goat man and missed all the fireworks outside. Dust v. also bad for sinuses. When I asked Doctah afterwards what happened, said he would explain later. V. annoying, bet he never does this with other assistants. Tried to escape while Master was laughing but got stopped by gargle. Dishy Mike Yates' gun not working, either gargle was bulletproof or Yates was firing blanks. Yates then tied up by rough men in black, happens to him a lot. Master wanted to sacrifice me instead of chicken but was going to be v. v. disappointed if he thought I was a virgin. Screamed and cried a lot because white gown looked really horrid and clashed with my boots.
Outside, Spotty Osgood was still fiddling with thermic vibrator while Doctah was playing with his gadgetbox. Not fair, everyone having lots of fun except me. I'll give them violent emotions when we get back to HQ. Brig ordered Osgood to switch thermic vibrator on. Daemon staggered around and looked v. v. uncomfortable so vibrator must have been working. POONIT then drove through barrier but thermic vibrator went bang because Spotty Osgood came too late with it, should take it back to shops for refund.
Gargle started zapping people but Doctah gave it the slip and came in to rescue me. Tried to shout at him where had he been but Master and Doctah and Daemon all v. v. louder, surprised church didn't fall down. Then POONIT turned up and wasted more bullets that don't work on stone gargles. Brig ordered five rounds rapid and didn't share them with anyone, the big piggy.
Daemon said man was a failure, Doctah said no and tried to talk daemon out of destroying the world but did v. v. bad job of it. Wouldn't want Doctah on school debating team. Master claimed ultimate power but Doctah then made mistake of saying Hitler and lost due to Godwin's Law, so two-nil. Doctah even refused ultimate power when he could have done good things for mankind like world peace and ending famine and more soaps and England winning Wimbledon for a change, v. selfish. Not looking good, was getting v. fed up with everyone shouting so jumped in front to tell everyone to shut up, in hindsight worst move ever. But daemon went and blew a fuse from own power, Doctah calls this something like a deuce ex McEnroe.
Then church fell down. Brig now happy cos something blew up with v. v. v. big bang and didn't cost him anything. Didn't know what happened but Doctah thinks Daemon couldn't understand why I'm still hired cos I can't run and can't see. Bald patch, dandruff AND nits. POONIT rounded up Mickey Master club, Master tried to escape but Bessie's gadgetbox brought him back and POONIT carted Master off while everyone booed. Gadgetbox used so many times it's silly, wouldn't get away with that again.
So happy ending and all smiles. Miss Horseface roped Benton into doing fertility dance calling it a Mayday miracle that she could still pull someone. Made Doctah join in with me while Yates and brig decided on five rounds rapid in pub with their own special ceremony. Doctah sez there's magic in the world after all, it's all about love and hope and team spirit and good will and happiness. Actually that sounds v. soppy, probably wouldn't get away with that again either.
Bye bye,
- Jo
Listen carefully during the recap and you can hear the Master doing his karaoke version of ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’.
The Daemons Part 4
As Azal rises and the whole of Aldbourne is pitched once more into the mirrorlon experience, the Doctor continues to give the hapless Sergeant Osgood a crash-course in how to channel the National Grid through one UNIT van. No wonder the poor sod looks as though he’s about to tell Pertwee where to shove his generator gizmo, and who could blame him? On a sliding scale of annoyance, the Third Doctor is just above the Crazy Frog and hot on the heels of a supermarket full of screaming toddlers. Still, at least he gets to say ‘Reverse the Polarity’ so that’ll keep the condescending little bugger sweet for an episode or two.
So Azal - or at least his ankles - has risen from his long sleep, only to find arguably the worst master-criminal in 10,000 years of megalomaniac cock-ups is after his crown. The Master wants him to confer his power so that he can enslave the human race in a manner which the Daemons originally intended. Though seeing as Azal was watching the Jackanapes’ earlier attempts to recruit for the local neighbourhood watch, then it’s no surprise he’s less than thrilled with this proposition. Still, given Stephen Thorne’s understated performance from the school of drama and shouting, then at least the pair have got something in common.
On a sliding scale of annoyance, the Third Doctor is just above the Crazy Frog and hot on the heels of a supermarket full of screaming toddlers
It’s another episode full to the brim with more filler than a club sandwich, with Jo’s particularly pointless and panicked run around the village doing little more than boost Aldbourne’s tourist profile; and the return of the Black Magic Twister board this time seeing it emulate the ‘Grab a Grand’ machine that celebrities regularly embarrassed themselves clutching twenty pound notes in on Noel’s House Party. But on the bright side Pertwee does at least stop patronising everyone long enough to get all Quadrophenia; riding his Vesper down the country lanes until someone has the sense to take a pot-shot at him and knock the smug little f**ker on his velvet-caped arse. Shame by the time it happens he’s turned into Terry Walsh.
you start wondering whether you’d rather see Pertwee or Nicolas Cage burn at the stake
Arriving back in the village - and to the sounds of Robin Hardy coughing-up another hobnob - the Doctor finds everything’s gone all Wicker Man in his absence; as the Mayday celebrations see him smacked on the arse by grown men dressed as paper trees and getting tied to a stick awaiting conflagration. Besides the sub-Two Ronnies spectacle of it all - not to mention the possibility of spotting future Sooty-fister Matthew Corbett amidst the rabble - Benton is also engaging in some studio-bound gymnastic work with one of the maypole maniacs. Before displaying a feat of sharp-shooting that would have put to shame the villager whose Pertwee-perforation marksmanship was tragically below par.
But just before you start wondering whether - at a push - you’d rather see Pertwee or Nicolas Cage burn at the stake, the Master’s singing 'Tight Fit' again and extending his evil repertoire to chicken-murdering (though it’s perhaps refreshing that he doesn’t shrink it first). Leading to Azal finally - after one or two false starts - rising to all his CSO glory as the village shakes once more and poor old Osgood ends up with soot all over his rosy cheeks again.
Next week: keep your finger on the volume control as Stephen Thorne opens his big, bearded gob.
(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons 4: Brian Blessed acted as unofficial voice coach on this story)
As many of you know, Chris Eccleston has recently joined the cast of Heroes. What you might not know is that there is another new addition to the cast: Eric Roberts, formerly The Master in the TV Movie. Isn't it funny how these links appear.
My sister recently started me on Heroes, and while it is utterly ludicrous it is nonetheless quite enjoyable.
JO GRANT
MEMBER SINCE: 1971
LOCATION: In bed
MOOD: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Didn't get enough sleep last night, was in bed having lovely dream about ponies when big earthquake suddenly woke me up and everyone had another asthma attack. People shouting about the devil so decided to be very brave and sneak out of window and down to church where rotten Mister Master was hiding. Not scared of heights this time and didn't even get flares caught in ladder rungs, v. v. v. proud of myself. But forgot about knotted sheets hanging out of window, and dishy Mike Yates found them and came after me and scared me in the church basement. Showed me it was full of traps. Master in for big fine from missing library book, serves him right.
Doctah still being v. bossy, played noughts and crosses on motorbike windscreen while shouting at spotty Osgood with National Health specs on who was using big cable from transmitter to watch telly but kept getting wrong programme. Brig wearing shoes down from pacing around. Osgood said thermic vibrator still not in phase. Don't think that's really a problem, probably needs new batteries.
Doctah returned to village but was tied to maypole by Landlord Bert wearing Blue Peter Christmas tree made of newspaper strips and funny morris men doing jungle war dance who had had too many drinks. Bert wanted everyone to burn my Doctah up for being a witch but they let him go after Miss Horseface made Doctah pretend to be Great Wizard Yingtongiddleipo from Magical Mystery Tour. V. silly, even I wouldn't have fallen for that. But Doctah had lots of help from Bessie's gadgetbox and from Beefy Benton who brig sez is a crack shot (though again may have heard this wrong). Miss Horseface and her heavy ball also sez Benton is a dab hand with a spinning cock. Not sure how she'd know.
Yates and me hid in cavern, Master started black magic ceremony while coven members wearing cowls and Batman masks played v. slow game of musical statues. Master then tried to sacrifice a chicken. Big rotter knows I'm vegan so I shouted and made him stop, in hindsight not brightest move ever. But was too late, Master was laughing and evil goat man appeared and grew v. v. v. v. v. v. v. big! Haven't been so frightened since autons. And alien mindbox. And axons. And space miners. V. scared indeed, hope my Doctah gets here quickly before I start blubbling.
Wet my knickers too but got so cold when goat man grew big it all froze up. Not v. comfortable to wear.
BBL (i hope!)
- Jo
Ah, The Daemons. Or the Damons. Or Demons. Or that squiggly letter I can't make in Notepad. What a story. What a tale. What a load of bollocks I'm spewing while I'm trying to remember everything I watched last night.
This town has a "local white witch." REALLY? Britain of the 70s must be much more liberated than America of the 70s, as they were still burning witches in various parts of the southern US until at least the mid-80s, while this sleepy little English town has its own official, tolerated, accepted, local white witch. Is that an actual council job?
Jo's interaction in this episode goes completely towards why, while I think she's well fit, she's everything I hate about female stereotypes. The Doctor (keep in mind, Pertwee's the smug git that I like least) is abusive, mocking, downright rude to her throughout much of these first two episodes, and yet she still gazes adoringly at him, brushing off his mistreatment with little more than a bemused shake of her head. What does this about Jo in particular, and women in general? Meh, it's a study for another time and place. Suffice it to say, I keep waiting for Jo to perk up and give him what-for.
It's nice to see the entire staff of UNIT save the Brig(yes, all three of them: Benton, Yates, and that other guy) gathered around watching something educational. A smart army is an effective army. Stand up, Torchwood.
Speaking of Torchwood, those giant hoofprints have me wondering if possibly Azal(he's the big one, right?) is related to the Beast from End of Days, or just another random "evil from the dawn of time" that happens to stand higher than some buildings. I am rather fond of the little stone bugger, though. Looks dead silly, but a nice costume nonetheless.
I've got the theory that by now, UNIT has realized what a smug git the third Doctor is, and are trying to get rid of him. Watch, as they let him run off to Devil's End with no backup(no, Miss Grant doesn't count). Marvel as Jo calls for immediate assistance, with Yates responding they'll be there "first thing in the morning." Giggle uncontrollably as, while dressed in their ridiculous "street" clothes, they get immediately sidetracked by the giant footprints, with Benton completely forgetting why they were heading to Devil's End in the first place, thinking with his stomach instead of his head.
And the Irish get shafted again, as the constable is not only brainwashed, but dead by the end of episode two.
I can't wait for the explanation for the Corgi miniature spaceship of Doom weighing in at 750 tons. Wouldn't, at that weight, it cause some sort of stress fracturing in the ground around it? And on a last note, bravo to the heat shield around the town. That's got to be one of the more brilliant ideas during the Pertwee era, and costs about as much as a sack of dirt and some poppers. Oh, and one poor minivan that didn't look too much longer for this world anyway.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons: The name "The Daemons" was a cruel joke perpetrated on the Doctor Who-loving populace of the time, as it wasn't until decades later that Windows 95 would strike a blow against typing weird characters. Of course, 10 years later, most of us are too lazy to use a character map to find the "ae" letter anyway.
EDIT: I just noticed this. The Brig's chopper has, plastered across it's front end: G-UNIT. Which means that Brig, Yates, and Benton are none other than, in disguise, these gentlemen.
Right, if I'm going to get these done in time, I'm going to have to be a lot quicker about these.
The Daemons Episode 2
It turns out that Benton and Yates have been watching the footie the whole time. How they can seriously watch a game where the end result is 13 - nil, I have no idea. Surely they can't be so close in the league that it was a surprise, so how can they have even considered the possibility that the other side would win?
Well, the Doctor has clearly been watching too much Torchwood, and has gotten a bit over excited, and is now covered in... well... Anyway, that'll teach them for going on BBC3. You'd think they'd learn. Meanwhile, Jo continues to be the idiotic stereotypical whining girl. Seriously, she's competition for Rose. Surprisingly, the Doctor's not actually dead. Fancy that.Instead he's just been in a bit of a draught and has come down with the sniffles. Meanwhile The Master is waiting for something, then gives up and walks off.
How come the hoofmarks look so different on the ground? They're practically invisible. The helicopter sequence is nice, though. It all adds to the idea that UNIT is actually better funded than Torchwood. Jo is as helpful as ever, "Something really bad is happening." The witch is back, and is still unhappy with Mr Magister, or G.I. Master as his friends know him. Benton engages is some idiotic karate with the priest guy, and gets the wiggins by standing on a strange symbol. This is both amusing and shocking. Weird.
Our witch believes she's seen the Devil. Satan, Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, The Horned Beast, Ozzy Osbourne, John Prescott, call him what you like, he was there. Would you say that Satan of The Satan Pit was 30 feet high? I'm lousy with measurements. Anyway, the Doctor finally realises that the Master is the one behind the events, through a clever anagram of the words "Jo really is the most annoying girl I've ever known. I hope she marries some hallucinating scientist one day."
Now for the most realistic alien ever created: a man in a skin suit with a lizard neck. No sooner does the Doctor have time to say "There once lived a rich prince who owned 50 acres of land..." than he's cut off by the Royal Ballet reject and the title sting. Ouch.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons Episode 2: The Azal outfit is so ridiculous because most of the entire season's budget was spent on the Helicopter ride. What was left went on therapy for Jon Pertwee to recover from being unable to do anything while frozen in ice except listen to Katy Manning whining for hours about not having any love interests in the show.
The Daemons Paert 1
I am not the biggest fan of the Pertwee era, I often find him to be very smug (much like I do the 10th Doctor in fact) and arrogant and often quite unlikeable. This is become more noticeable when I watch his era nowadays as an adult. The Daemons is the story that Pertwee etc always said was their favourite story of their time on the show.
The Daemons part 1 is actually not a bad episode, it sets up the spooky atmosphere of the story well, it introduces all of the characters well including the rather yokel-like villagers including the village squire, the local Doctor and the mad white-witch of the community (who it has to be said does look like a young Margaret Thatcher as someone pointed out on here earlier this week) the person all the kids laugh at in the street and everyone else in the village is wary of.
" I wonder if the events at Devil’s End disrupted the usual schedules of BB3 with its perpetual showings of Two Pints of Mild and a Packet of Pork Scratchings "
In fact this first episode is more than little like the atmosphere in The Wicker Man rather than an episode of Doctor Who. Certainly the location filming added a lot of atmosphere to the piece, and Christopher Barry’s direction was certainly very filmic here. You could almost imagine this being a horror/supernatural film of that era.
If anything there is probably too many characters in The Daemons, I mean there is about seven regulars to start with, and they all appear in this episode, some more than others. Well the Brigadier is only seen briefly on his way to a dinner dance whilst Benton and Yates are watching the Rugby, and intends to watch the evenings festivities live from Devil’s End.
I like the fact that in this universe there is a BBC 3, with a similar ident to the BBC 1 of the time. I wonder if the events at Devil’s End disrupted the usual schedules of BB3 with its perpetual showings of Two Pints of Mild and a Packet of Pork Scratchings, a popular comedy show of the early 1970’s?
" Pertwee and Jo arrive at Devil’s End in the nick of time for the end of the episode and Pertwee gets a lot of cold air blown all over him. "
To the surprise of nobody in the audience, the Master pops up half way through the episode this time disguised as the new vicar called Mr Magister, with only a pair of National Health Spectacles as a disguise. Then near the end of the episode he pops on a bright red cape, because he does love to dress for the occasion!
Pertwee and Jo arrive at Devil’s End in the nick of time for the end of the episode and Pertwee gets a lot of cold air blown all over him.
The Daemons Paert 2
In this episode Sergeant Benton is mainly eating…nothing. He spends the whole episode wanting to have some breakfast, but doesn’t get anything, apart from being duffed up by an invisible assailant. Poor sod. An army marches on its stomach as the third Doctor once said, or was it Napoleon.
This episode is a bit like The Christmas Invasion as the Doctor spends the majority of it in bed comatose, which might be an improvement, if you are not a Pertwee fan. If you were wondering the score of the rugby match that Benton and Yates were watching ended 13-0 and it looks like England lost again. Never mind.
There are certainly some fashion disasters in this episode and that is just what Captain Yates and Sergeant Benton wear in their off duty hours. Just look at Mike’s leather jacket! There is also some heavy-duty hardware on show in this episode just to show that U.N.I.T. is a highly equipped military force when Yates and Benton arrive in Devil’s End in a helicopter.
I don’t know about you but that Master theme is getting on my nerves a bit because every bloody time the Master appears in this story you are getting that little musical sting. The score for this story isn’t bad at all but they could have done with less of the Master theme. I mean we know already that he is in the story; there is no need to keep reminding us every five minutes!
Miss Hawthorne continues to be the comic relief character in the story being found by Sergeant Benton (probably on the hunt for a bacon butty) locked in a chest.
In general not a great deal happens in this episode but the atmosphere is carried on throughout the episode. The Brigadier is once again relegated to a single scene where he is seen in bed taking a phone call, whilst Benton and Yates continue to take the lion’s share of the action.
A little late in starting this week. I've busy literally solidly the last three days to the point of not having any sleep, and from tomorrow I'm busy right through the weekend aswell. So I've got to try to get it all done by the end of the day, around work. A challenge.
The Daemons Episode 1
Well, it all begins fairly generically. Thunderstorm, man goes out and instantly gets killed. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Then Jo goes all "Let the Sunshine in", as the Doctor is finishing work on Brum. Now, really, he takes time out of fixing his TARDIS to turn Bessie into the UK's first RC car, why? He clearly isn't interested in getting back into the great wide continuum if he can spend his time making April Fools tricks for Jo.
The Doc gets a dreadful fright from the name Devil's End, and he heads off to try and get on TV, using a sign that says "Hi, mum, I'm on Earth TV!". There's a reporter who's too smug for his own good, and he reveals the secret truth behind BBC Choice. He has absolutely no control over his guest star, who insists on taking over the show and making snide comments on him. The Doctor spots that something is awry, and Jo responds with the most insightful, intelligent, thought out, and above all useful response, of "You really mean that, don't you?".
Now Glinda the Good Witch of the North is complaining about the stars or something, and clearly when she learned how to dod magic she forgot how to act. I mean, she's got a constant blank expression! It's no wonder everyone in the pub is making fun of her, and the policeman wants to kill her. There's some silly, but quite effective, incidental music in the background as the policeman comes to.
Then she has a line which sounds like its own parody "The one who left in such mysterious circumstances". I mean, what is that? "Shall we try subtlety?" "No, our audience are idiots, we'll spell it out to them." Then the new Priest shows himself... it's John Cleese! Now that would have been surprising, not to mention hilarious. Roger Delgado is always entertaining, he has a wonderful way with his words, he can convey so much with everything he says. But his hypnotic ways are not enough to compete with the forces of nature.
Now, I never much liked Jo. She was always far too whiny for my tastes. I liked Liz, and I liked Sarah Jane, and I like Jon Pertwee all the time, but Jo was just too annoying. And to those people who say that Jo was the only person the Doctor ever loved, I say more fool him. True, he was heartbroken when she left, but he'd gotten used to her, like the dog who chews up your furniture and pees into your oven. You wish it was dead some of the time, but then you have to say goodbye and it's heartbreaking... Where was I? Oh, yes, Jo's an irritating little dog, who the Doctor's quite fond of. And they behave just like a married couple, bickering over directions. Nice.
Quite how it's taken the Doctor from when it was light until midnight to get to Devil's End s beyond me, even with getting lost. There's some wonderful lines in the conversation between the interviewer and the man who's trying to promote his book. "Suppose something does happen..." "Like what?" "A personal appearance of You Know Who?" "Well, use your initiative, lad. Get your chatty friend over there to interview him!"
Good to see that the British attitude to danger remains the same, where Benton would much rather watch the footie. The Master now knows that the Doctor is after him, and decides to go down to the cellar for a quick "ritual".
I always like the stories that develop myths into Sci-Fi. It's one of the reasons I loved The Satan Pit last year, and The Curse of Fenric. Something about blending magic into Sci Fi is just so appealing to me. A ritual ceremony which summons up the elements of nature, bringing destruction upon Devil's End, leaving once again Jo to make the observant comment "Oh, no!".
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons Episode 1: BBC Three actually started broadcasting in 1971, but nobody noticed. To this day, only a handful of people know of its existence, and even fewer actually watch it.
BBC Shop: you can order copies of ‘Venusian Lullabies’ by Oolon Coluphid on 0870 243 6826 for £12.59 each (inc. p&p)
The Daemons Part 3
So, as Bok leaps in and waves his tongue around menacingly at the Doctor and Jo, Pertwee goes into one of his radio routines and unleashes a full volley of tongue-twisting bullshit which vanquishes the lycra-covered little shit back to the misconceived design meeting whence he came from. And the Third Doctor’s obsession with Venusian in-jokes marks up yet another appearance.
Aldbourne’s coroner is left to record his first case of death as a result of being ‘Zapped by Bok’
Calling a village meeting, the Master asks for volunteers to form the new Neighbourhood Watch committee, only to be disappointed by the lack of interest in his ‘You Will Obey Me / You Are All Dust Beneath My Feet’ campaign manifesto for council leader. With various sorts forced to face-up to their dark, little secrets as the Master gets all Paul McKenna on them - most disturbingly revealing that all those years of confinement beneath Zarbi costumes and Dalek domes have reduced John Scott-Martin to thieving from the Post Office accounts - it is left, once more, to Bok to dispense his own peculiar form of punishment to consumer resistance; sending one of the villagers to God-knows-where with just one point of his rubberised digit. And Aldbourne’s coroner is left to record his first case of death as a result of being ‘Zapped by Bok’.
Back at the village pub, and the Doctor’s decided to bore everyone into a stupor by getting his holiday slides out and giving a potted history of the invaders from Daemos: malevolent aliens whose almost magical powers have shaped mankind’s destiny when the likes of the Fendahl, the Jagaroth and the Racnoss have been too busy otherwise to do it for them. As always with the Pertwee Doctor, there is an obsession to the point of catatonia with rationalising the slightest mystery or unexplained phenomenon into terms that would make even an Open University lecturer stifle a yawn. And having already patronised the Brigadier’s attempts to break through the heat-barrier, Pertwee later has the temerity to castigate Jo for not showing her superior the respect he deserves. Hypocritical c*nt!
But to be fair, the old Brig’s got bugger all to do in this episode but be patronised; lest you want to make comment about yet another of his sexually-impotent attempts to blow the menace-of-the-week to pieces with whatever penis-substituting weaponry he can find. Still, at least he’s got the expert help of another of UNIT’s seemingly inexhaustible supply of technical boffins to hand; this time in the shape of Sgt. Osgood, whose resemblance to the DWM comic strip’s Max Edison is so spooky that you can’t help but wonder whether someone at Marvel in the early 80s was trying to tell us something.
all those years of fibreglass confinement have reduced John Scott-Martin to thieving from the Post Office
And just in case you weren’t sure that this middle chunk of a five-parter wasn’t already going round in circles like a Pertwee-ian theology argument, then up pops one of the missing members of the Dingle family from Emmerdale to steal the UNIT chopper, tank Mike Yates like the private-school nancy boy he is; and then fly like some check-shirted kamikaze pilot into the heat barrier in a sequence that adds about sixteen minutes to the episode’s length.
But just before things get too dull, the Master’s given up trying to win the hearts and minds of the villagers and - with Bok as his constant, faithful gimp - is back to summoning Azal again so that this time he can get right under the rim.
Next week: tune in to see if the Master survives his own personal cliff-hanger and leaves a sparkling, germ-free shine to boot…
(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons 3: Jon Pertwee was paid by the put-down for this episode)
The Dæmons - Episode 3
So. Three episodes into one of the best loved Doctor Who stories and what have we got?
"Where's a spirit level when you need one?"
I'll tell you what we've got, The Vicar of Dibley meets Derren Brown. That's what. And all the subtly and underplayed emotion that only a combination of a larger lady vicar on heat for anything male and a man so creepy his eyes are actually painted onto his face because he can see through the buttons on his tweed jacket can be. The Master's mind control has convinced Bok that he should cower in front of a trowel just like Les from Big Night Out when presented with a tray of chives. Where's a spirit level when you need one?
"John Scott Martin actually played the Dalek mutant last seen in the episode of the same name, with surprising little make-up."
Coaxing professional Dalek-innards out of his shell is another skill this hypno-vicar has. John Scott Martin actually played the Dalek mutant last seen in the Eccleston episode of the same name, with surprising little make-up. Although it did take The Mill 17 weeks to painstakingly remove the vest he was wearing, bearing the old number for Directory Enquiries, from the shots. The Vicar has, in his brief time in the village, managed to get a handle on all of the inhabitants little sins. Reckon the local farmer was relieved that others took the heat before the vicar got round to why all of the sheep on the hillside appear to be wearing mascara and lipstick.
"In Yates' mind he is the Milk Tray Man and Hi Karate rolled into a rippling lump of man-clay."
He's also managed to convince Yates, through no bodily contact what so ever, that he is basically an action hero stuck inside the body of a menswear shop assistant. Actually, strike that. It's them glasses what done it. He pulls them on and basically the tweed vanishes and is replaced with tight fitting leather. In his mind he is the Milk Tray Man and Hi Karate rolled into a rippling lump of man-clay. There's nothing that Yates can't do in this mood, whether it be ride a motorbike, talk loudly at speed or stick his thumb up. Actually, that is about the range of things he can do. Perhaps it does all pay dividends as he ends up with an unconscious Jo Grant.
Back of the net!
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 3 of The Dæmons: Barry Letts was keen to meet Guy Leopard but a series of increasingly unlikely accidents befell Guy so they never actually met face to face. These accidents included being found drunk in charge of a Queen Mother, inadvertently swallowing an entire Greek restaurant and being hospitalized for 16 weeks after discovering what indifference actually smells of.
Ian Jones of Digi-Cream Times imagines what Doctor Who might have been like had it actually been written by Richard Stilgoe: "The Doctor finally arrives at his destination, only to find the Brigadier (Geoffrey Palmer) looking grim. "Sorry Doctor, but you're too late," he intones. "The entire place has been overrun - by red tape!" "Good heavens!" cries the Doctor, "is there nothing you can do?" "Afraid not, old boy. This stuff just keeps on coming. Whitehall is spewing it out, non-stop!" "
JO GRANT
MEMBER SINCE: 1971
LOCATION: Underground spaceship park, like car park but for spaceships
MOOD: :O SCARED!!!
Monster went boo at us today in the dark. Halloween not till October but remember either something about Beltaine or Doctah telling me to belt up. Was a bit frightened (OK a lot frightened) but my Doctah sez it was a stone gargle that came to life, explains why it didn't say much but was v. rude sticking tongue out like that. Clever Doctah scared it off by reciting Rolf Harris' Two Little Boys at it, nearly ran screaming myself.
Brig still locked out of village by heat barrier thing, some kind of big lethal mushroom. Wild mushrooms are poisonous and fried ones are v. v. bad for you cos butter has lots of colles cholles colestarol fat in it, still remember this from O-Level Domestic Science. Doctah v. proud of me and explained that devils are really aliens and gave everyone yawny slideshow lecture about demons and stuff. Was half-asleep and not really paying attention but think he said something about them having hernias, guessing from carrying model spaceships weighing 75 oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh tons.
Doctah and dotty Miss Horseface still arguing over science v magic. Miss Horseface is big cheese local witch but didn't ask how smartypants Doctah knows all about alien demons when her big occult book collection doesn't, so science wins. Bit odd that. Lots of talk about world being an experiment gone wrong which Master's Daemon will throw away, don't quite follow but think that Daemon failed O-Level Domestic Science as well.
Brig was getting v. impatient with barrier and wanted to explode things. Doctah got stroppy and told him to build some kind of thermic vibrator machine instead, sounds super fun. But then big meanie had a go at me just cos I said blowing up barrier was silly too! Just for that will give him bald patch AND dandruff.
Doctah drove us out to meet Brig, but village loony controlled by nasty Master had stolen the POONIT chopper and tried to force us into the barrier. Dishy Mike Yates on a motorbike tried to stop him, but couldn't keep up with Doctah's mad driving and I fell out of car. Know now why Bessie normally goes at two miles an hour, cos Doctah still has L-plates from not passing his test. Chopper ran into barrier instead, KABOOM!! Hurt my head and got knocked out for a bit, but remember brig moaning about his expensive chopper. Thought he'd be pleased that something blew up, he should stop wasting money on nasty bombs and bullets since they never work anyway.
Yrz trly was right then. Feeling v. smug.
Hugz and kisses XOXO,
- Jo
The Dæmons - Episode 2
The UNIT family... The most dysfunctional family you're ever likely to find outside of a terribly northern sink estate where even the shopping trolleys are hard as fuckin' nails.
"Surely it's only the porn, and occasional light buggery, that keeps the army going?"
If, and it's a big if, this takes place in a future, not that far from 1970, where multi-channel TV is a reality, then why isn't an army communal TV permanently stuck (and I use that word under Government advise) on one of the many purveyors of light nudity and jiggling that pepper the higher reaches of anyone's multichannel telebox? Surely it's only the porn, and occasional light buggery, that keeps the army going? This army, at any rate. Perhaps they were lured in with false promises believing that "Devil's End" was perhaps one of those experimental art house films where you're almost guaranteed everything in the gamut from slightly annoyed sex to really quite angry, and red raw, sex. Probably directed by Ken Russell and starring that obnoxious drunk fella.
"Two men sharing a chopper, in a not entirely platonic way."
Is it any wonder that the boys, after a full on night of betting farthings on the rugby and as much rogering as their television subscription can furnish them with, can don their gayest outfits and jet off to the flesh pots of rural England in the company chopper. Yates looks particularly fulsome this morning in his action slacks, roll neck sweater, fuckme jacket and christalmightyfuckmeagain glasses. Get a load of her! This is the spin-off I'm pleased they didn't get round to making. Two men sharing a chopper, in a not entirely platonic way, travel the length and breadth of the south east solving all manner of sky-based crimes.
"Pausing only to take an occasional suck on a Woodbine and to spit up a little phlegm."
The Brigadier, meanwhile, is happy to settle down with a telephonograph sex chat line. Reclining in bed, thinking of King and Country, as some gravel-voiced fishwife from Dudley rattles off the latest batting scores from the tour of the West Indies pausing only to take an occasional suck on a Woodbine and to spit up a little phlegm. The strains this puts on the family relationship reach breaking point as he discovers that his little chopper has been taken, thus robbing the Brig of an evening's light onanism.
Looks like it's back to an evening of moustache starch and Wisden for him.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 2 of The Dæmons: Guy Leopold's behaviour was becoming so erratic in the run up to the delivery of the finished scripts that Terrence Dicks and Barry Letts once received 6 bottles of urine from the writer with a gift tag on each which read, "To Suzie, all my love Humphrey."
JO GRANT
MEMBER SINCE: 1971
LOCATION: In a snowdrift
MOOD: :( :( :(
Got to be on telly today down at the dig where big snowstorm blew up. V. v. upset though cos I hadn't packed my thermals and mittens. Doctah upset too, wasn't speaking to me. Cried a lot. Never been on telly before, hope my eyshadow didn't smudge.
Don't like Devil's End, greasy food, smelly pub and no shoe shops. Homesick already, want to be back at POONIT HQ where at least they keep the phones going. Local doctor OK though, was confused by my Doctah's two hearts but said he'll be alright, YIPPEE!!!!! Real doctor said my Doctah must be built like an ox. Good moment for me to shut up and not say the wrong thing. Doctah looked a a bit damp while thawing out, hope he doesn't catch cold.
Dishy Mike Yates and Beefy Benton arrived in Brig's favourite Airfix chopper. Told them something really bad was going on so Benton went for a look, sez he found shouty old Miss Horseface tied up in a chest. Miss Scaredycat then went and hid in the crypt. I wouldn't be scared if I had Benton for protection, he can beat up everyone except the Invisible Man. Sadly crypt guarded by invisible man. Then suddenly everything went all red and stifling and nobody could breathe! Cold and now hot - weather really messed up. Been saying for years that ozone layer is in trouble but no-one ever listens. One day Doctah will be sorry he didn't pay attention to me.
Doctah then woke up and said pub was smelly too.
Miss Horseface told us about a gang of naughty men practising black magic under church. Coven leader turns out to be mean Mister Master who sleeps in the park and shaves in the dark, BOOOOOOO! Doctah then gave me a telling off for failing Latin as well as science - better not tell him yet it was O-Level Domestic Science.
My Doctah thinks we're all in danger, so we shot off straight back to the dig to get souveniers before they were all gone. Think maybe he had so much fun the first time he wanted to do it again. Dig shaped like model Airfix spaceship weighing 75 oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh tons, v. strange. Doctah started to tell me about it when a grey scary man with wings and no clothes on jumped out and flashed at us! EEEEK!!
Must tell a policeman tomorrow. PS: find one that isn't flat.
Lots of luv,
- Jo
So, Big Finish has a CD out, I believe it came with the new DWM or some-such. I've obtained a copy. It's mostly previews and interviews, but there is this interesting tidbit..
Colin Baker: ...So who knows even Peter Davison could one day be voted number one. It's a joke, Peter, it's a JOKE, PETER!
Nick Briggs: It is a funny thing isn't it, about reviews and criticism. Because, people say that you should just, ah.., ignore them completely, or read them and not believe the good stuff and not believe the bad stuff, but we're only human beings, aren't we?
Colin Baker: It's about treating both those impulses the same. I read them all, get slightly depressed by the bad ones, slightly elated by the good ones.
Well, it's good to know some actors will give a mature reaction to a satiric pisstake of their work. Unlike that awful Peter Davison.
Wait, that's not right..
Better late than never, here is my review of the second half of The Seeds of Death.
The Seeds of Death Episodes 4 to 6
By the time you have got to part 4 you begin to get a basic idea of what the plan of the Ice Warriors actually is and for the most part of the fourth episode that is about as much as you will continue to find out. This episode contains a great deal of running around, apart from the Doctor, who is out cold for the entire episode whilst Patrick Troughton is off on a much-deserved break. The episode is rather tense though as a lot of the scenes are filmed in tight corridors and it was fairly a tense situation with Zoë, Jamie and Phipps all trying to reach the central control of the moon base to turn to the heat up and thus, destroy the Ice Warriors.
Now, whilst this is a pretty obvious solution to the audience who were already aware of who and what the Ice Warriors were, but it would have been a very short story if they crew of the moon base had been aware of this face a couple of episodes early.
Of course being a 1960’s story it takes them at least four episodes before the main threat of the plot becomes apparent, thus leaving with them the final two episodes to finish of the story. Therefore the middle couple of episodes of any 1960’s six-parters are pretty much padding and little else. There was however a rather exciting cliffhanger where the lovely Zoë is almost killed by mirrorlon whilst attempting to turn up the heating on the moon base. Of course is could never be as easy as that and poor Zoë only being short can only just about reach the dial to turn the heat up, just be thank full that she wasn’t a couple of inches shorter then they would have been stuffed.
At the opening of part 5, the Doctor reawakens and we can get on with the little thing of the plot of the story and the main reason for the Ice Warriors plans and what they intend to do etc. This is also the episode where Fewsham grows a backbone and actually does something to help the people back on Earth, only to be killed for his trouble. We sort of got the idea in the previous episode that he was about to do a u-turn and try and do something that would help the people on Earth when he disobeyed a direct order by Slaar and decided not to t-mat the Doctor into space, rather than just end being remembered as a quisling by the Earth crew of T-Mat. It is only a shame for Fewsham that the entire complement of the moon crew of T-Mat were already dead before he grew his backbone.
This episode also has one of the funniest pieces of Doctor Who ever at the end of the fifth episode where Troughton gets covered in foam, I am not sure why that is such as funny scene, as it is not meant to be funny in the slightest. I am sure at the time it would have been quite a scary scene at the time and worked really well as a cliffhanger, but I have never been able to watch the end of episode five with a straight face since the first time I saw the story way back in the late 80’s. This episode is quite pacey in fact and zips along, and it really did seem to happen a lot quicker than the previous four episodes.
Luckily, in the previous episode, the Doctor had managed to discover that water; plain and simple water was enough to get rid of the foam so all that he had to do was to get the weather centre to make it rain. In the end he managed to get there and also managed to overcome the single Ice Warrior who was stationed there. I wonder whose idea it was to just post a single Ice Warrior at the weather centre. Were they that sure that just one of them would be enough to destroy the entire weather centre? I am pretty sure that future Ice Warrior fleets will probably be a bit more cautious than Slaar and send a few more warriors out on these missions.
Part six is where is all happens and the entire plan is foiled by the Doctor. As I said earlier all of this could have been sorted out a lot of sooner and the story could have been a four parter rather than a six parter. Not that I am complaining as any padding in a Troughton episode is just very watchable and does not seem to drag as much as padding did in a Hartnell story and how quite a lot of padding does in a Pertwee adventure.
When you look at Slaar he really isn’t that much cop at his job, I mean he didn’t even notice that his own signal had stopped and just assumed that the single they were hearing was their own signal rather than the one that Miss Kelly had sent to the Ice Warriors. No wonder the Grand Marshall was a bit pissed off with him, well that and being about to be engulfed by the heat of the sun, which would piss off most people, not just cold blooded reptiles.
I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed The Seeds of Death even though it was a thinly veiled rewrite of the The Ice Warriors (not that other writers of the time were not averse to doing this, step forward Mr Terry Nation), but it was a well directed, and acted story and despite taking a while to get going, and having at least two more episodes than was absolutely necessary, it was highly enjoyable piece of television, mainly due to the performance of Patrick Troughton who is quite simply superb as the Doctor.
I just cannot fault Patrick Troughton as the Doctor; he makes even the most banal stories highly enjoyable, apart from The Space Pirates perhaps. Even The War Games seems highly watchable, despite its length, due to the brilliance of Troughton!
In a change to the advertised apocalyptic events from Aldbourne village, here on BBC3 we rejoin David Vine for live snooker coverage from Reading.
The Daemons 2
With Vernon Kay’s live broadcasting career seemingly up in smoke, transmission of Professor Horner’s dig is suddenly pulled as early BARB reports indicate that everyone is watching the rugby game on the other side instead. As UNIT finally realise how embarrassing it might look to have a crack, paramilitary force with nothing better to do than sit around the goggle-box, Captain Yates decides to phone the BBC and ask whether there are any alien invasions scheduled between now and the closedown.
Back at the dig, and Jo is adopting the customary position of sobbing over the Doctor’s seemingly lifeless body. Not only has the blast of released arctic air frozen him stiffer than a well-coiffed lolly, but Jo’s incessant sobbing is threatening to smear three inches of mascara over his entombed head. Still, on the bright-side Pertwee’s nose can now be used to cut glass and Professor Horner is finding it difficult to patronise everyone seeing as his mouth is frozen shut.
‘He’s a tough old bird’, Yates reassures Jo. Though surely ‘Preening Cock’ would have been a more apposite epithet.
Meanwhile, it seems the Master has found religion during the interminable one-week absence since his last story. And has replaced ‘You will obey me’ with ‘As is my will, so mote it be’ as a means of enlivening his catchphrase and perhaps being a bit more successful with the girls in future. Seems like all this ‘Magister’ lark has gone to the old Jackanapes’s head, seeing as he’s even wearing a vicar’s white collar instead of the usual Nehru ensemble. Though whether all the organ playing is further proof of his religious indoctrination or just a means of relieving the stress of would-be intergalactic tyrant is a moot point.
Elsewhere, and Yates and Benton decide that the best form of defence against the lack of any alien invader is attack, making for Aldbourne using the Brigadier’s personal chopper. Perhaps what’s most shocking about this isn’t the seemingly random insubordination, but the sight of Benton’s bright red slacks that he seems to have been keeping for a special occasion like this. Making like a prototype Bodie and Doyle, UNIT’s rugged rebels join Jo at the pub where it seems the Doctor is thawing out upstairs; having already caused one major ceiling flood just from the amount of ice hanging off his nose. ‘He’s a tough old bird’, Yates reassures Jo, whose mascara is now making Rorschach ink-blot style patterns over her cheeks. Though surely ‘Preening Cock’ would have been a more apposite epithet.
But things are moving on apace - seemingly a giant horse is stalking Aldbourne’s quaint countryside, leaving giant hoof-prints that you could make novelty swimming pools out of. And as one of the Pertwee era’s typical yokels finds his van split down the middle by a heat barrier, the village is threatened with being cut off from the outside world. Though judging by the dense accents of some of its inhabitants, it’s a bit too late to go worrying about that.
Benton is jumped by one of the Master’s inbred goons and tossed onto some occult version of Twister.
No sooner have we got over the shock of seeing the Brigadier in bed - resplendent in hospital-corner pyjamas and a moustache so straight it must have its own hair-net - then Benton is finding Miss Hawthorne locked up in a box; the posh pagan reacting to her knight in shining armour with such gusto that you’re sure she’ll be bearing her breasts to ward off evil spirits again before very long. But before the pair can escape, Benton is jumped by one of the Master’s inbred goons who during the melee manages to toss Benton onto some occult version of Twister. Leaving the game sergeant twitching and unable to get his right hand on the yellow spot.
As some seismic camera shakes rock the village - and the Doctor awakes to find his bath-water is too hot - the Brigadier arrives at the sight of the heat barrier’s divergence and proceeds to burn his swizzle-stick several times before realising it’s actually a novelty lighter that the boys got him last Christmas. Meanwhile the Doctor is seemingly back to normal - at least if pooh-poohing any passing theory beyond the mundane as complete hogwash is an indication - and he and Jo make for the crypt, where they’re confronted by an animated gargoyle whose tongue-sticking preferences mark him out not only as demonic but also a bit rude.
Next time: the villagers dance around the maypole while everyone tries to avoid being zapped by Bok.
(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons 2: Now 98, Stanley Mason still gets a kick out of dressing-up as animated statues and sticking his tongue out at passing strangers)
The Dæmons - Episode 1
What a fanciful world this story is set in. Margaret Thatcher's maternal grandmother appears as a doddering white witch. A hideously ugly crone with a delivery style so annoying she's in permanently in danger of swallowing her teeth because 17 generations of inbreeding has rendered her chin inoperable.
"Slap pineapple rings around each nipple and you'd have something that Anthony Worrel Thompson could well shit out in front of comedy foghorn Ainsley Harriot."
The Doctor appears in a butchers coat which, on the face of it, is a little strange until you realize that Jo is actually wearing a trouser suit made entirely out of breaded gammon, with matted gerbil entrails for a blouse. Slap pineapple rings around each nipple and you'd have something that Anthony Worrel Thompson could well shit out in front of comedy foghorn Ainsley Harriot. The meat tailors of Jimmy Saville Row have a veritable smorgasbord of flesh-based clothing as well as bull winkle-pickers and herringbone tweed, made from real herring bones. The Doctor's attire also appears to repel engine grease, unless when he said he was messing with the big end he was talking about something entirely different.
"A touching scene that's sure to make you want to vomit your spleen up through you nostrils."
The absurdities keep toppling in, thicker and faster than Jade Goody on a nuclear powered shopping cart, as the Brigadier reveals, in a touching scene that's sure to make you want to vomit your spleen up through you nostrils, that in order to make ends meet (and keep his moustache in a lifestyle to which it's already become far too accustomed to) he has to double up of an evening as a lion tamer. Thankfully he's bagged a few of Jo's more outmoded forms of attire to keep the restless beasts quiet throughout their performances. Yes, that's right, the lions of the Dagenham Ladies Municipal Circus are doing what Yates can only dream of and are ripping apart Jo's undergarments thrice nightly.
"BBC3, and there's not a red button in sight."
And if all that was a little too far fetched for a science fiction series the worst is yet to come. Because on BBC3 there's a documentary about a live archaeology dig that's about to reveal a breathtaking discovery beneath the ground of Devil's End. Why's that far fetched? Cos normally it's wall to wall Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps over on BBC3, and there's not a red button in sight. Or perhaps this is an early episode of Doctor Who Confidential that we're watching here.
A meta textual documentary within a play? Very Brechtian.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 1 of The Dæmons: following a fairly unsuccessful writing career, Guy Leopold is now to be found selling bodily fluids to any unscrupulous medical facility in order to keep himself in cat litter and wagon wheels.
JO GRANT
MEMBER SINCE: 1971
LOCATION: UNIT garage with Bessie
MOOD: Bored :P
Stars say bad month is in store for yrz truly. I <3 my Doctah but he gets v. cross when I tell him my horoscopes. Big rotter made me look silly for believing in Age Of Aquarius by magicking his car at me with a gadget box. I thought it was magic cos normally it can't do two miles an hour without the wind behind it. Will get him for that, I'll give him a bad month by making up he's got a bald patch, LOL.
V. dull day at POONIT HQ. Was all excited about watching Corrie with Patrick Troughton in it but everyone else wanted boring programme about some stuffy old dig with Professor Yawner and BBC3 man Alistair Faggy talking about his devil's end. Three channels is teh sux. My Doctah got all excited when some doomy mad woman appeared, dunno why cos she has Tory teeth and a face like Gay Trip giving up oats for Lent.
Mad dash off to Devil's End to stop dig, not even time to pick something nice to wear. Doctah opted for tatty old cape, not white coat at all (beginning to suspect he's not a real doctor). Wanted Dishy Mike Yates and Beefy Benton to come too, but Brig is in Geneva while his silly moustache is at some fancy dinner, so Yates and Benton had to stay behind and have a boy's night in watching rugger (though might have heard this wrong).
Retardis still broke and POONIT too poor to buy new Minis so took Doctah's crappy car instead. Luckily v. v. v. v. strong wind behind us, unluckily wind blew the road signs down. Wrong way up map didn't help either. Ended up in some grotty pub with people giving us funny looks. Everyone thinks we're weird together cos my Doctah looks about 50, but he's really over 700 and I still wuv him so they can give us all the funny looks they want. Doctah was v. rude so I made him look silly this time by asking nicely for directions instead. Will maybe save bald patch for later.
Well past bedtime when we got to dig. Wanted to shout at telly bloke for missing Corrie, but fell over again and Doctah got there first. But my Doctah was too late to stop the dig, and the programme got cancelled by freak weather conditions. That'll teach them, I thought. I was all smiles then, but when I got there Professor Yawner was dead and my Doctah was frozen solid!
Doctah! Doctah! Oh Doctah! V. bad month ahead after all.
C U tomorrow,
- Jo
Anyone with a few thousand to spend might want to check out some of the items Bonhams has on the auction block (Lots 9-18 especially). That scarf doesn't look quite right though...
ChoicesUK are showing a Region Two release for The Key To Time season boxset. The restoration team aren't commenting, presumably because it hasn't been announced by 2Entertain but it seems a bit erroneous to me. The current schedule does only run until May so anything's possible.
A variation on Blue Peter's old Dalek cake recipe: "There are two possible methods to follow with regard to this recipe; one. Read the following instructions or two. buy as many chocolate items as you can carry home in a large family estate car and simply make it up as you go along." [via]
It is a dark and stormy night. As all God’s creatures cower from the elements raining cats and dogs (or in this case, frogs) one of the locals staggering home after one too many barrels of cider collapses in fright in the local churchyard from a Dick Mills sound effect. The fate of his pooch remains unknown…
The Daemons 1
I’m not even going to go down the route of saying how - first and foremost - this story epitomises the Pertwee era and remains the favourite for the regulars who worked on the show between ‘70 and ‘74. Instead, what the bloody hell is Miss Jones from Rising Damp doing running around a little village, prophesying doom and destruction to any poor old sod who’ll listen? Miss Hawthorne is a wonderful old nut, so refined and repressed as to make even the Pope look a bit loose. In fact she’s so pure that even the Master’s later advances - sorry if I spoilt his ‘surprise’ Season 8 appearance - fall on deaf ears.
Back at UNIT HQ, and the Doctor is fine-tuning Bessie in the workshop whilst pooh-poohing Jo’s excited talk about the Age of Aquarius. Demonstrating how science always has an explanation for even the most irrational event by having the old roadster do a quick three-point-turn impresses no-one, least of all Captain Yates who arrives with news of BBC3’s coverage of an excavation dig at the not-ominous-at-all sounding ‘Devil’s End’. Rather understandably, Jo flees before the Doctor tries any more of his tiresome attempts to reduce all fantastical possibility in life to the clinically dull.
Miss Hawthorne is a wonderful old nut, so refined and repressed as to make even the Pope look a bit loose
At the dig, and BBC3’s Vernon Kay is fine-tuning his patter as behind him Professor Horner - a curmudgeonly old shit whose ‘expertise’ on archaeology extends to being able to recognise an old stone when he sees one - is cutting into ‘Devil’s Hump’, the centre-point of the digital-only channel’s exciting themed night. Still, it makes a change to having bloody Dog Borstal or Two Pints of Lager… on an endless loop. Though the potential lack of the horrors of Torchwood on this particular version is - sadly - never discovered.
In a move sure to have Robin Hardy choking on one of his hob-nobs back home - until he realises that this story went out some two years before his seminal film The Wicker Man - the forces of Beltane are to be released that night on April 30. And the Yokels at the village pub have already noted a lot of ‘queer’ goings-on (sigh! Gay Agenda. Again!). With the death-by-Radiophonic-Workshop of poor Jim at the start, suspicion and thick accents are very much to the fore; with even a local bobby going postal at one point, preparing to cave in Miss Hawthorne’s brains until the gallant girl bares her breasts to the elements and talks down all these devilish doings for the time being.
Searching out the old vicar, one Kenneth Smallwood who - what are the chances of this - disappeared overnight in such ‘mysterious’ circumstances, Miss Hawthorne finds only the Master; whose cunning range of disguises now extends to calling himself ‘Mr Magister’ and wearing a pair of thick-rimmed glasses that one of his future selves must purloin off the Tenth Doctor at some point. This 70s version of the ubiquitous appearance of council estates in the new show is soon condemned as a rationalist, existentialist priest; but the Master’s aforementioned attempts to hypnotise Miss Hawthorne leave him only with a slight headache and a sudden desire to organise a village fete.
Over at UNIT, and it must be a particularly alien-invasion-less day at the office as not only is a spit ’n’ polished Brigadier off to some hoity-toity dinner, but Benton and Yates are having a manly bond in front of the goggle-box . Switching over to BBC3 just in time to see the last five minutes of that night’s Eastenders repeat, events soon return to live coverage of Professor Horner’s dig; and the old sod’s bold challenge to match even Pertwee for the title of Patronising Prig. Speaking of Worzel reminds us that he and Jo have gone dashing off to Devil’s End despite the Doctor’s previous dismissal of the whole thing as so much superstitious nonsense (which just goes to underline the Third Doctor’s ‘Do As I Say, Not As I Do’ attitude to life). Steered off course by one of Beltane’s potent gusts, the pair wind up at the Yokel tavern where Pertwee effortlessly demonstrates his charm by pushing a way thorough the regulars and claiming to be no sort of ‘Chap’ at all (he’s right, more like chump).
the Master’s attempts to hypnotise Miss Hawthorne leave him only with a slight headache and a sudden desire to organise a village fete
But events are moving on: the Master - having presumably gone to Specsavers since his earlier rebuttal from Miss Hawthorne - is now in full ceremonial garb, speaking in tongues and generally looking as nutty as a cage full of defecating squirrels. ‘As my willy, so note it be’, he brags of his concealed manhood, before flicking piss around like a dog marking its territory. While at the dig Pertwee leaves Jo in his wake, only to find that the Patronising Professor has beaten him to it in the Annoying Olympics; pulling away the stone that seals Devil’s Hump and releasing a fart so potent that the BBC3 live transmission is pulled in favour of repeats of Torchwood Declassified.
‘AZAL! AZAL!’ screams the Master - pfft, all this fuss over a brand of toilet cleaner, eh?
(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Daemons 1: similarly to how this episode predicts the launch of BBC3, ‘Colony in Space’ has a brief scene of one of the miners watching Television X)
Why couldn't we have had The Invasion? Why did I have to sit through this somewhat hollow affair? Why have I suddenly started wearing contacts? Why am I asking so many questions? Why can't I stop?
...ah. I still feel that this adventure was somewhat empty, though. A little research into it reveals some of the answers - it was originally a four-parter rewritten into six. But even so, there are still other problems with the story. There's some poor attempts at humour (and I know bad humour - I'm in the middle of a fan edit of The Man With The Golden Gun, which is rife with the stuff), the music is on a par with Murray Gold - so far too loud, then - there's the infamous bubble machine and the Doctor seems unusually killaholic, which in some ways suggest that the writer doesn't know what else to do.
But it wasn't all bad. The basic plot and the performances were both very good indeed, which I'm lead to believe is par for the course at that time. Huzzah. The direction was, for the most part, pretty impressive for late 60's television, and the sets are pretty good as well. The use of some interesting prespective shots and of impressing tension on the viewer lends a lot of professionalism to the story, although this is somewhat tempered by the 'comedic' elements.
Still, there's a good story to it, and (to me) it's a lot more watchable than our previous entry, so I have to say that I fairly enjoyed it. Although I'm beginning to suspect that most of these early episodes are better enjoyed whule drunk. As for the questions... I don't know, you'll have to ask Damon or whoever's in charge of the blog these days; because I said I would; because I've bleached my hair platinum blonde and I feel I look better with contacts as opposed to glasses; because it made for an slightly different intro than everybody elses.
The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Seeds of Death: The seeds which were used in this adventure would eventually be discovered by one Sir Hugo Drax, in truth another cunning disguise of The Master, thus lending credit to the whole 'James Bond is a Time Lord' theory.
The Seeds of Death - Episode 6
Phew!
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 6 of The Seeds of Death: following Bernard Bresslaw's impressive début as an Ice Warrior in their first outing it was decided that there should always have a Carry On cast member play an Ice Warrior in their subsequent TV outings. See if you can spot Hattie Jacques.
The Seeds of Death - Episode 5
Only time for a few brief points of note:
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 5 of The Seeds of Death: the most popular Ice Warrior names for boys born between the 17th and 19th Glorious Quadrants of the Greatly Great and Super Martian Civilization were Slaar, Slaaw, Sluum and Sluut.
Episode 4. Yes, 4! I know. You go gallivanting off around the place, meeting the great and the good (and the not that good [and the downright insulting]) and you start slipping behind. I think I need a holiday, which is why this piece is being written by a stand-in Patrick Troughton.
The Seeds of Death - Episode 4
Production is picking up a pace at Martian Party Supplies and Joke Shoppes Inc., "Your one stop shop for all things celebratory and death". Their range of party balloons are flying off the shelves, so much so they've been forced into drafting in some relief workers from a leading Martian temping agency. Their other best sellers, acid streamers and plastic Martian breasts have taken a temporary back seat as balloons, or seed pods (as the duffer boffins from brain central in England instantly recognize them as) are set for delivery all over the world.
"A paper which outlined theories that chickens were not only capable of flight, but also had evolved their ovaries into potential weapons to thwart the dominance of mankind."
Normal people, seeing one of these things, would think they were the product of a naughty schoolboy who'd gotten hold of a pack of condoms and decided to make some water-bombs. But not these joyless freaks, who were never ever invited to those sorts of parties when young, instead preferring to generate some complex logarithmic constructs whilst cracking one off over their chemistry sets. Even when they explode the dullard scientists can't quite bring themselves to find humour in this obvious school boy prank. Why, only last week, they reacted to finding that eggs had been pelted at their laboratory's front door by proposing a paper which outlined theories that chickens were not only capable of flight, but also had evolved their ovaries into potential weapons to thwart the dominance of mankind.
Thankfully for planet Earth the Martian temping agency had actually sent them the A-Team's Hannibal Smith in a green skin, instead of a worker warrior, and the smoke poring over the face of the globe from all the exploded seed pods was merely a by-product of his big fat Cuban cigar. So there never was a threat to planet Earth after all...
I love it when a plan comes together.
The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about part 4 of The Seeds of Death: none of the three regulars are actually in this episode; a stand-in took the place of the subconscious Doctor, Zoe was replaced by a fizzing ball of arrogance and pomposity shoved into a chicken roasting bag and Jamie was replaced by a strategically shaved Old English Sheepdog. Unfortunately the propensity for him to lick his balls ,whilst off camera, was deemed off putting to the rest of the cast and crew so in order to prevent him from doing that Jamie was let back onto the set for the next episode and told to leave his privates alone from now on.
My name is Andrew, and I have a problem.
A couple of years back when I used to rent from Netflix, I came up with the idea of copying all the existing Doctor Who DVD releases instead of actually purchasing them. Clever, eh? But due to the unlimited rentals, I had to burn the discs and send them back without watching them in order to save time and cash flow. This little scheme of mine worked pretty well, until I copied The Seeds of Death.
Because I got into Who via the Pertwee era, my first real impression of the Ice Warriors were those of the Curse of Peladon variety, and also of the ones depicted in the NA Godengine. I knew them as less fearsome incarnations than those of the past, framed as slightly bitter but diplomatic turtles haunted by a history of failed Earthly conquests, and (thanks to Craig Hinton's imagination) whose genitalia descend from a scaly pouch if they're feeling up for it (a visual which has haunted me for the past 11 years).
Anyways, I was looking forward to The Seeds of Death. I was curious to finally see the Ice Warriors in action (not that kind of action), plus there are only a few periods during this show's long history when all those involved percolate with that special sort of chemistry we find here in the Troughton era.
Needless to say, I was not disappointed: The Seeds of Death moves along at a good pace for a 6-parter, and it includes that barrage of vintage audio and visual effects that I find so endearing. The future Earth setting is a bit redundant, but it's nice to see humans utilizing technology for positive things like sharing, maybe the kids will grow up and follow suit. The Ice Warriors seemed pretty good at looming, and were particularly effective in corridors, as they should be. I mean, despite the chronic overacting, and usual litany of mistakes, I was kept in good enough suspense to feel my heart stop 14:55 into Episode 6, when my DVD player froze. What?
A minor inconvineince. I hit the power button in order to restart my player and scanned back to where I left off. It froze again. Er, what? I took out the burned DVD and searched the purple tinted foil for any type of visible blemish. Nothing. I blew on it like an old NES cartridge, and stuck it back in. Again, no luck. The disc must have some how become corrupted during the burning process! Balls!
I started to panic. I just spent the last two and a half hours gearing up for the peak of this story, and in an instant it all had been lost. How could this be? And then I realized of course, it was karma. All those years of VHS tape trading and recording episodes off of PBS had taken it's toll. I must have spent my alloted balance of Who-currency.
So I stopped copying and lived a guilt-free existence for the next 24 months, until I realized that you can watch just about every episode on a certain website for free, and I was able to finally check Seeds of Death off my viewing list.
Ahem.
For the record, I now prefer the full experience of purchasing DVDs, not to mention I enjoy seeing the spines in broadcast order on my shelf like a big fucking nerd.
Thanks for listening.
So, with a well-paced story such as this, it seems to work well, for a busy man such as meself, to watch it in two sittings. At this point, I do have to admit to being unwilling at first to watch the story, in fact scratching my head at why it was picked. I've not seen much of the Ice Warriors, and were never to impressed by the pictures I'd seen. I must now update previous notions. They're a bunch of sneaky bastards.
The Ice Warriors used their mole to get the poison gas inside the facility and release it, endangering the workers in said environment, until Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brian managed to get the rooms sealed and the A/C running. The world waits with baited breath to see whether or not the Ice Warriors can do the impossible and finally off that annoying Kim Bauer. Alas, it was too late for poor Edgar, as he fell victim, nobly, to the Ice Warrior's poison gas, being the one closest to the seed pod. If it had been the Ice Warriors' intended plan to simply poison and take over the control room, AND THUS THE WORLD, I'd have stopped watching mid-episode-four. Fortunately, grander things were in mind.
The Ice Warriors intend to take over the world in the form of a giant Spring Break FOAM PARTY! 
No seriously, I liked the whole terraforming angle. One of the better ones I've seen. And I'm so glad they weren't just trying to poison the world with that very ineffective poison gas. After seeing this serial, in it's entirety, I now wish the BBC to make a modern-day Ice Warrior story. These are some SMART adversaries, and there's not enough of them. For every Delgado Master and Ice Warrior, there's about a dozen Earthshock Cybermen, Drashigs, and hideously deformed despots(Buy TIMELASH on DVD!). I'd specifically like to see an Ice Warrior story set on Mars, as to my understanding, the reason they're all such slow and cumbersome mouthbreathers is our atmosphere. Too hot, too moist, and the air's too thick. I'd like to see them in their natural environment, as I expect it's not dissimilar to watching a Nature channel special on crocodiles or other large reptiles and amphibians.
Professor Eldred managed to sum up six episodes in one sentence. At the insistence of getting T-Mat back online at the expense of all else, he warns about putting all of our eggs in one basket. Remember, the world is only 3 hot meals away from the next Dark age. If the Doctor hadn't succeeded this time around, that's precisely what would have happened, and it would have been the old buggers with motor cars stored away in their museums that would have made out like bandits.
Well, made it in just under the gun, so roll on The Daemons, or as I like to call it, the Damons (starring Damons D and Querry as great stone monsters, taking the piss out of UNIT and the Delgado Master!).
