Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

'Each episode, he gets uglier. It's amazing.'

It isn't just some of us.  The view from a livejournaler:  "Okay, so much anger. This is why most of the time, I really rather hate Torchwood. I don't ... actively hate anything. I don't hate Torchwood, really, because I'm watching. It isn't really hate, & I can't be arsed to gather evidence so that it can morph into h8. I just get upset that it doesn't live up to its full potential."

Warning Team, Temporal Disruption Imminent

Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness

"Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the Cardiff of confusion. I, Russell T. Reguard, issue the challenge. My gallant team of Chris Chibnall, Richard Stokes and Julie Gardner have been chosen to guide my blindfolded show though a perilous quest for survival. And although I have been able to supply them with baffling clues from a convoluted pilot episode, the rest they have had to figure out for themselves, as show cannot see where it is going. They have suffered critcal maulings from rogue cannibals and cyborg valkyries, but bravely battle on. They have appeased and evaded evil fairies with the Mystic Sapphire and Steel Shield of Cowardice. But now they face their greatest challenge and their Ratings Force energy is low. Can they guide this faltering show successfully to the Season Two gateway? Will they come a cropper in the Block & Wedding Tackle or the dreaded Corridor Of Blaidds? Or will they unwisely sidestep their characters left and right into a Plot Hole or Credibility Gap for the last time? Let the quest recommence..."

I didn't particularly take to Catherine Treganna's earlier Out Of Time very much. It was unoriginal, but competent and well-enough acted, and it explored human relations and their fallout in a more credible and realistic fashion than most of the series up to that point. By splitting the refugees up into three seperate story sections however, I just didn't care much in the end when there wasn't enough time to really get to know them, and only one came under any real personal conflict.

No such problem with Captain Jack Harkness, an episode that as previously noted bears more than a passing resemblence to The X-Files' Triangle, with the action split between two time zones, taking place in parallel in the same location. The latter episode however was broad comedy whereas the only laughs this particular episode will elicit are likely to be from viewers who, sadly, may already have had their angst tolerance battered into submission by the Jack Pack's relentless shouting matches. Their loss. Captain Jack Harkness also goes one further than Triangle in establishing how actions in one time zone can influence the other, partly from Tosh's messages, but also the eerie device of the ghost music signifyinging an important breach point between the two.

"Couldn't the teasers be more like those of The X-Files, where the setup is generally the opening event, seperate from the main story, that provokes the investigation? Oh wait, they did it that way in Countrycide. Forget I spoke"

Not for the first time in the series, there's no lead-in of any kind; Jack and Tosh turn up at the dance hall, drop the briefest of mission information, and bam; we're expected to pick up from there. It's not usually difficult to follow, but it feels very often like there's a middle and an end, but no actual beginning. Couldn't the pre-title teasers be more often like those of The X-Files, where the setup is generally the opening event, seperate from the main story, that provokes the investigation? Oh wait, they did it that way in Countrycide. Forget I spoke.

But other than that, Captain Jack Harness is a lovely episode. It encapsulates everything the series does, or should do, best (or at least, not badly); it's not about saving the world in itself, it's has genuine human emotion instead of cheap shags, it's about 'real' prople, and there's a definite air of mystery that isn't for a change tossed out halfway through in favour of a crap secondary plot. Even the ongoing bisexuality theme doesn't feel forced this time; as with Greeks Bearing Gifts, it's telling how it comes across so much better when the show decides to explore it in more detail instead of offering little teasers. Everyone also gets plenty to do and the characterisation is sound enough, though it's a bit of an eye-opener that without Jack in charge, it's Ianto who morphs into the voice of reason - safe, boring, and above all, armed. Owen, as manipulative as ever, pulls rank the most vicious way he can, by throwing the Cyberwoman incident in Ianto's face. Yes, about TIME. Ah, Owen, so smitten over Diane, such a selfish prick, such a BAD LIAR. Any schoolboy with a GCSE in science-fiction will tell you that so long as the other end of your time corridor is stable at one specific point, it's not going to make a snit's worth of difference how long you take to get there and all this mash dash is quite unnecessary. Who didn't punch the air when Ianto finally grew his balls to stop him? Though poor Ianto, always doomed to complete failure even then...

John Barrowman in particular acts his socks off, tormented by guilt and compassion for a man he not only can't save but will consign the original to the dustbin of history for the sake of a conman's lie, and almost overcompensating as a result with his loyalty to Tosh over the predicament she's in as a future internment detainee, assuming she can even survive that long with the suspicion of espionage hanging over her every moment. Far more so than in Out Of Time, the culture and attitude clash between different times is central to Captain Jack Harkness' drama, and Catherine Treganna writes it with aplomb. It makes such perfect sense that our Jack would assume the identity of a man so similar to himself, and he's put further and further through the wringer as he tries to persuade his real-world counterpart to do the right thing, without alerting him to his ultimate fate and thereby possibly changing history - though you can tell he's sorely tempted to. And finally, when sympathy turns to affection and then genuine love, and it all boils over into that poignant slow dance in soft focus, it's absolutely wince-making to watch because you KNOW it's all going to crash down in flames for both of them the moment our Jack returns to the present day, an era he's so much less comfortable in. The Blinovich Limitation Effect has taken two aspirins and retired to bed with a migraine.

"The Blinovich Limitation Effect has taken two aspirins and retired to bed with a migraine"

All this presided over by Bilis Minger, easily the spookiest, most enigmatic support character this series has given birth to. Doesn't Murray Melvin just look the part with that Tobias Vaughn face of his? He's able to convey so much with just a wry smile. I have to say though my face fell as soon as I saw Bilis pull out the Torchwood file from his desk - God, even in 1941 their security was flimsy! But not as flimsy as their grasp of the laws of cause and effect. It wouldn't be a Torchwood episode without something not making sense, would it? Where did the plans for the rift machine suddenly spring from anyway? Why did they even build it when they have no idea what the results will be? And how on earth did one piece go missing and finish up as a pendulum in a grandfather clock? Time, yes. Very good. Very clever. But if I ever need a metaphorical representation of 'logic', Cardiff will not be my first port of call.

I'm sure there's something I've forgotten. Ah yes, the revelation about Jack's true identity. What, you were expecting that from the episode title? You were suckered, mate. Personally I'm glad; for one thing I don't think we're ready to receive the answer yet - the X-Files conclusively revealed the existence of alien life on Earth early in season two, and that felt too soon - but doing it in this way also enhances the mystery by keeping up the interest; if you didn't care about it, you wouldn't feel short-changed, would you? Moreover, even Jack doesn't appear to know who he really is by this point; there are still those two years' worth of stolen memories from The Doctor Dances to be accounted for yet. I'm waiting for a good complete episode-long resolution to this when the time is right. It should also be in the parent show where it was set up in the first place - the disappointment you might feel now would be nothing compared to that of an audience who were denied an answer for reasons other than age and parental responsibility. Me, I'd be screaming like Owen and company in End Of Days demanding an explanation, and brother, doesn't THAT get old real quick. I bloody HATE comics crossovers where they try and tease you into buying a secondary comic you may not like or follow in order to keep up with the first one that you do.

Meanwhile under the watchful eye of Russel T Reguard, the trio of producers have skillfully guided the show past three trap rooms and a wall monster, collecting a much-needed life force boost on the way. But oh dear, Chris Chibnall has scribbled out the level password 'besot' and written in 'Beast' instead. Warning, team. I don't think Jack's dance is going to be the last Torchwood thing that will end in tears.

The Humper Book Of Sexually Torchwood Diseases has this to say about Captain Jack Harkness: Shares in Vaseline jumped fifteen percent following the broadcast of the dance scene.

Quatermass & The Shit

Torchwood: End Of Days

What is this deathly chill I feel? Is it the life-draining shadow of the Son Of Beast? No, it's the flashbacks to The Time Monster before the opening titles have even started, and from then on it's downhill all the way. Abaddon all hope ye who enter here.

Admittedly, End Of Days isn't the worst Chris Chibnall episode of the season. There is at least a sound core idea in here, it feels suitably epic provided you can get your head round how insane as all arseholes it is, and you can count on Chris Chinball to give everyone something to do, even if it's entirely the wrong thing. But it's all buried under a mountain of turds, a vast Pythonesque cavalcade of out-of-nowhere excess and pseudo-biblical David Koresh prophesising cobblers. Almost every intelligable word of dialogue is a portent of doom, some new apocalyptic gabble lifted from Ianto's copy of Old Moore's Almanack, or a jarringly smarmy one-liner. That's when you can actually make the words out when the cast aren't screaming out their rage at each other, at the world in general and at the viewing audience hanging onto their seats lest they be blasted clean out of the room. Everything about Chibnall's horrible writing can be summed up by Ianto reading Daniel chapter 12 direct from the Bible, and managing to get the verse number wrong. Chibnall wastes no time in flaunting his own juvenile crassness, losing me ten seconds in with Gwen's 'nice arse' quip as Rhys moons his wobbly mastodon buttocks for the camera. No real-life adult couple I've ever encountered has shared his episodes' sniggering soggy-biscuit attitude towards anything to do with sex or romance, or if they did they had enough taste and dignity not to share it. STOP IT! IT'S NOT NICE AT ALL!

"Abaddon all hope ye who enter here"

And by now EVERY SINGLE AUTHORITY FIGURE ON PLANET BLOODY EARTH knows about Torchwood and its activities. And if PC Andy's understandable attitude to this bickering, broken, power-corrupted bunch is anything to go by, they all openly hate Torchwood's guts, but like an abused child, sit back every time and let their terminal fuck-ups assrape them one step closer to potential oblivion, instead of taking matters into their own hands, because Daddy obviously knows best. Who in the name of blue, blistering Christ gave Fulchester United effective life-or-death power over all human creation? How are they able to walk down from the Hub to the local boozer without getting lynched? IT'S. UTTERLY. STUPID.

"All our actions have consequences." On this show? Do they fuck.

But hey, it's the wham-bam final episode. We need action! Adventure! Really wild things! Screw common sense. Let's instead try and wring some scrap of tension out of all the diseases which mankind has already conquered, because, you know, medical science throws all its research away once they're done with it. (Though Owen, in acknowledging the threat of future plagues and infections, as well as Ebola, manages to redeem this scene.) Let's watch Gwen wail like a foghorn as she cradles the corpse of a man she's been an utter bitch towards for the best part of three months. Let's have Jack's posse of masturbating baboons cast off every advancement they made in the previous episode as they join Owen, a misogynist who still refuses to accept that his woman told him to fuck off, in letting their own inability to grow up dictate the future of the human race. Let's watch Owen blackmail Jack with knowledge that he stole in order to crap all over his authority and doom the world in the first place. Then for an encore, how about if Owen pumps Jack full of lead knowing full well this will achieve absolutely nothing except to prove Jack's whole point about them all being the least life-qualified meat-puppets you could never want. Oh God, what am I doing wasting my breath on the BLATANTLY OBVIOUS?

"Everything about Chibnall's horrible writing can be summed up by Ianto reading Daniel chapter 12 direct from the Bible, and managing to get the verse number wrong"

And where is all this empty noise leading us? For half an hour, your guess is as good as anyone else's. The world's going to hell, but instead of putting their differences aside, they stand around and argue. Lots. Who am I supposed to root for? I'm damned if I'm going to side with Groucho, Harpo, Chico and Zeppo when all previous experience tells me Jack is right, but at the same time if there really is no solution, the story will add up to as big a pile of nothing as the last time Jack couldn't be bothered at the end of Small Worlds. But at least Owen is finally given the boot we've waited far too long for as Jack lays it on line - you're with him, or you can get out. And since nothing Owen has done all season has warranted the slightest bit of sympathy, retconning the bastard would only be doing him a favour. Treasure this scene, as it's the nearest Chibnall ever gets to advocating consequence, until Owen just strolls right back in later. Wha'? Bilis Manger - you remember him, since it hasn't been seven episodes since his last appearance - is tormenting the Torchwood underlings with visions of loss in order to persuade them to open the rift. That much is clear enough except, er, Owen already opened it. But who is he? Why is he doing this? Is he an alien? A Time Lord? His "I'm so sorry" quotient outclasses even David Tennant's, but that's the only other clue we get over Captain Jack Harkness that Bilis is more than he looks. The whole point of a mystery is to keep introducing fresh twists to keep you guessing and interested, instead of throwing up a brick wall until the goose is ready to have 'boo' said to it.

And his clock shop is called 'A Stitch In Time'. How insufferably smug is that?

Bilis murders Rhys. This is actually the one plot thread that's had some thought put into it, as Gwen's grief and rage turn her into the catalyst that the others rally around, but since her on-screen time with Rhys has almost always featured their relationship deteriorating, I'm not sure what to believe. More shouting and loud noise, followed by even more loud noise as Owen's .32 calibre wins the argument and the rift is opened. This bit, at least, is good; enough so that I wished that season one of Bollocks 7 could have ended right there with the Huberator destroyed and Roj Jack drifting off into the wild blue yonder for possibly the final time. That would have been a good cliffhanger, but no such luck.

"My own hunch is that in Chibnall's original script Bilis is a refugee from Refusis II, since it refuses to tell us, refuses to make sense and refuses to credit us with any intelligence whatsoever"

Because now the last remaining shreds of plot credibility go straight out the window as, completely out of left field with no buildup whatsoever, the Gilliam-animated monster cat from Monty Python's 'Killer Cars' sketch stomps into view heralded by Bilis, an empty street and a car alarm. A bit more mystical mumbo-jumbo from Theodore Maxtible and then as if by magic - ping! - the shopkeeper disappears, leaving us still none the wiser as to his real identity, his ability to time-slip, or even his motivations or what he expected to get out of all this. My own hunch is that in Chibnall's original script Bilis is a refugee from Refusis II, since it REFUSES TO TELL US, REFUSES TO MAKE SENSE AND REFUSES TO CREDIT US WITH ANY INTELLIGENCE WHATSOEVER. Why am I still WATCHING THIS!

But then just when you think it couldn't get any more ludicrous with the whole of Cardiff spontaneously keeling over from the sheer inanity of it, even the visual effects decide to plummet straight to hell in the same overstuffed handbasket as Jack is somehow able to shout above the cacophony and grab the Beast's attention from fucking MILES AWAY! Go back and look at it - Abaddon even performs a double-take! Jack's vain attempt to commit suicide and go down with the show - his screams of agony roughly mirroring mine by the point - comes to nothing since his battery storage potential - presumably from tapping an infinite number of land cards a la Magic The Gathering - is greater in one small human frame than that of the rest of humanity combined, and 'the life-eater under whose shadow the whole world shall die' doesn't have the sense to WALK AWAY once he's feeling full up. After ten seconds. The sequence flatly contradicts itself and crawls right up its own illogical mobius strip-shaped arsehole with barely two sentences having been said.

And so it's Planet Mondas time for Abaddon. Entry to exit in the space of under FIVE MINUTES. Worst. Big Bad. Ever.

With Abaddon gone the rift itself has likewise given up and died for no adequately explained reason which means that - God only knows how - none of the episode ever happened. This kind of Big Finish non-twist is lazy enough, but it once again reaffirms that like George W. Bush, this quintet of nincompoops can pull whatever shit they want and NEVER EVER have to face the music for it. But hang on... if the Torchwood gang can still remember the event, doesn't that mean that the REST OF THE WORLD also remembers what happened and HOW TORCHWOOD WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR IT THEMSELVES? What are they going to do, stand enigmatically on a building and announce "sorry, our bad"? It's going to take a bit more than an apology to placate the orbital laser satellites and nuclear warheads no doubt streaming towards Cardiff at this very moment.

"What are they going to do, stand enigmatically on a building and announce 'sorry, our bad'? It's going to take a bit more than an apology to placate the orbital laser satellites and nuclear warheads no doubt streaming towards Cardiff at this very moment"

But it's not over yet as the episode still has one final sucker-punch to deliver; namely, the worst Christ complex I've EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Yes, after laying down his life in the cause of righteousness, Jack lies in state for several days surrounded by his followers who suddenly can't constrain their own love for him; he rises from the dead (though to his credit, Jesus didn't need a Prince Charming kiss from Cinderella's ugly sister), forgives everyone for their sins (with the obligatory male-on-male snog, and we all remember what happened the last time Ianto - sorry, Judas - did that) and gets taken up into heaven via the TARDIS. The glow surrounding the Doctor's hand isn't from the Time Vortex, it's from the kinetic energy built up from it making frantic wank-gestures at this whole sequence. And the whole farrago takes LONGER THAN ABADDON'S ENTIRE SCREEN TIME. Gaaaaaaaaaaah.

If you sat the proverbial infinite number of monkeys down at an infinite number of typewriters, they could eat the paper and typewriter ribbons and SHIT a better season ending than this. But don't take it out on Jack - after all, he's finally happy, he's the only one with regenerating braincells and he's earned his wish and escaped this mess. This is supposed to be our 'cliffhanger'? The only one I see is the prospect of a second season of the Scooby gang - now with a mean of twenty-five percent more cretin - unravelling the fabric of reality without a worldy-wise commander to constrain them back. As Owen remarked earlier, 'everything is out of synch.' Too bloody right mate.

"Oooooooh NASTY," says Russel T Reguard. "Now you must wait while the Hub shifts to another phase. When will the aliens come? Who knows? But remember, when Cardiff burns... the nightmare returns."

The Humper Book Of Sexually Torchwooded Diseases has this to say about End Of Days: "You people love any story that denies the randomness of gzornenplatz."

A Tale of Two Jack's

Torchwood: Captain Jack Harkness

After her first superb episode of Torchwood, Out of Time, Catherine Tregenna did not disappoint with her second episode, Captain Jack Harkness, another beautifully written tale with great characterisation of the regulars and, like Sean Alexander said, plenty of heart.

As in Out of Time there wasn’t much in the way of plot, but again that didn’t really matter, as this episode served as the first part of the series finale with End of Days, and part of its job was to set up the final episode, which it did, even though nobody in the hub knew that at the end of this episode.

I am sure quite a few people felt quite short changed in this episode when by the end of the episode we still know little more about Jack than we did at the start of the episode apart from the fact Jack Harkness is not his real name, and we found out who the real Jack Harkness was.

To be honest this was not really a big surprise as in The Doctor Dances, the Doctor saw right through him and said that he wasn’t really a captain, so if you were an eagle eared viewer you would have remembered that (I didn’t until someone reminded me, it has to be said) so that revelation wouldn’t have been surprising to anyone who had seen Jack in Doctor Who.

Having said that, if you had just seen Torchwood then that might very well have been a surprising admission, because you cannot simply assume that everyone watching Torchwood would have seen Doctor Who because I am sure there are plenty of people watching it who are not Doctor Who fans.

It also has to be said that Jack seems very much at home in the 1940s and it was obvious that he wouldn’t really have been that bothered if they weren’t able to get back, but put that to the back of his mind because of Tosh, who certainly didn’t want to be stranded in war-torn Britain and I must admit that I wouldn’t fancy being a Japanese woman in war torn Britain either. That was very nice of Jack thinking of Tosh like that and was the same kind of compassion Jack has shown on a few occasions during Torchwood.

One of the reasons that I really enjoyed the episode was because it features Tosh in quite a major way because she is one of my favourite characters from Torchwood, and if it were a toss up between Gwen and Tosh, I would pick Tosh, if you catch my drift. It was very touching I thought when Gwen read the note that Tosh had written the other half of the equation on, saying simply that she loved her family and obviously thought that she wasn’t going to make it. Poor Tosh!

Ianto got to do what a lot of people would like to do and shoot Owen. I actually don’t mind Owen that much, certainly he can be a bit of a knob and he does have a very strange looking face, but I can see why he would go to all that trouble to open the rift, as he was sure that it would bring Diane back to him. I know that I would have done the same thing if that had been me, so I can’t really argue with what he did. It would have been a very stupid thing to do, but hey you do stupid things when you are in love, which Owen certainly is.

Ianto bought up Lisa again, as he is wont to do, and they both got into a scrap about whose bird was better. Of course if Ianto had decided to bring Lisa back when she was in her Cyberwoman persona then that would have been a bad thing, but if she was bought back in her original state then that wouldn’t have been so bad, well apart from the fact that opening the rift could cause a major catastrophe. Ianto obviously wasn’t as blinded by love as Owen was at that moment as he was able to see what a bad idea it would be, unlike Owen who just basically wanted a shag.

Billis Manger was a bit of an odd character wasn’t he? He did seem a little out of place even in the 1940s but it wasn’t until he was seen in the modern day by Gwen looking not a day older (and dressed in exactly the same way) that you knew he certainly wasn’t what he seemed at all. That certainly seemed to be something that would be followed up in the final episode especially after he had part of the rift machinery in his office (as well as a folder labelled Torchwood).

I did wonder why, if the building was in disrepair and was about to be pulled down that Manger’s office seemed no different to how it did in the 1940’s. I thought that the direction was quite effective when you saw Jack and Tosh walking down the corridors and then Gwen walking down the same corridors some 60 odd years later, and also when Jack and Tosh just walked straight into a 1940’s dance. One minute they were in an abandoned building and the next minute they were in a bustling place full of people enjoying a night off. That was a nice shot I thought.

The real Captain Jack was an interesting character, well played by Matt Rippey, a lot like the Jack we knew from Doctor Who, and it turned out he was more like Jack than we thought, so you can see why Jack would have taken his identity rather than somebody else’s. Perhaps he was the only American around at that time.

I don’t think we will ever find out the complete truth about Jack in Torchwood, but that does make his character a lot more interesting, simply because we just don’t know who he really is, well it does to me anyway.

I thought this episode was very good and moving and would love to see Catherine Tregenna pen an episode of Doctor Who, as I am sure she would turn out an interesting episode, quite different from anything we have seen before. With Helen Raynor becoming the first female to write for the new series this coming season perhaps she will be in for a shout in series four. We can but hope.

It's the End..

...but the moment has been prepared for.

In short: Damon is taking over Behind the Sofa.

I'm off now. To paraphrase Tegan, "it's stopped being fun". This isn't a snap decision - I've been wrestling with it for quite some time now - but I honestly don't believe I'm the right person to keep this blog moving forward...

I did have a big speech prepared but I've decided to keep it short and sweet. I just want to say thanks to everyone who has taken part over the last couple of years, especially Sean, Stuart and Damon who have never missed a review throughout both seasons and all of the Stripped Down sessions.  And to all the other regular contributors, and at the risk of sounding like I'm backslapping (heaven forbid!), you've all been magnificent!

I'm sure Damon will be along in due course to tell you about his plans for the blog and I wish you all the best for the future.

Cheers

Neil

To Shanshu in Cardiff

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that Torchwood is to sci-fi what Big Brother is to modern TV: one great big guilty pleasure.

There were times in this final episode when I got so caught up in the bombastic pace, the in-yer-face characterization and the punch-the-air cliff-hanger that I completely lost all awareness that I was watching one of the silliest, most non-sensical pieces of television I’ve witnessed in a long time. Forget the bad science; it’s the bad science-fiction that has proved to be Torchwood’s fitting epitaph.

In fact End of Days has all the faults of this stumbling, shambling spin-off of a show in microcosm: plotting so juvenile as to insult even the Sarah-Jane demographic; characterization so broad as to belie the idea that writer Chris Chibnall even knows any real people; and an ending which simultaneously makes you want to scream with delight and hide your head in shame at the same time. It’s a good thing I watched this sober as I may not have crawled out of the bottle again.

So, that plot then - it’s something out of the early days of the DWM comic strip, innit? Roman centurions found marching along the streets of modern Cardiff. UFOs circling the Taj Mahal - just after all those pesky Cybermen have been seen off too - and just in case we’ve forgotten how much of a reheated ready meal of a Joss Whedon show this series has been, a CGI monstrosity to top things off. I mean, when someone mentioned putting the kitchen sink into this series finale, they forgot to say leave out the aga, the twin hob and the dish-washer too.

And don’t you just know that Gwen’s hapless boyfriend Rhys’ days are numbered the minute you see the pair share a tender moment for the first time since about fifteen minutes into episode one. Subtlety has never really been Torchwood’s key strength, but there’s so much shoe-horning of elements here that you feel like sitting in front of the telly with a ballpoint and a tick-sheet. And when Ianto starts quoting the passage from Daniel - bible-quoting never being a good sign for a series trying desperately to pin some dramatic credibility to its malnourished bones - you know the apocalypse is at hand; and that Torchwood’s days are seriously numbered.

Forget the bad science; it’s the bad science-fiction that has proved to be Torchwood’s fitting epitaph

But if anything, 'End of Days' feels more like the bastard offspring of those two behemoths of modern television: Big Brother and The Apprentice. Like the former, the housemates of the Hub finally turn on the supposed leader of the group when they get the scent of revolution in the air; while the latter proves that Jack’s own brand of man-management skills come straight from the book of ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ diplomacy. It would have actually been rather fun to have had a special diary room confession area put aside for each of the team to air their thoughts during the cataclysmic events of this finale. It would have made the histrionics of Nikki seem like the quiet musings of a shy and retiring librarian in comparison.

But put your brain in neutral and your critical faculties on the back burner, and there’s a lot to enjoy that you know you really shouldn’t. And like the recent Christmas excesses, you just know that you’re gonna pay for it in the New Year. Take Jack’s ‘Logopolis’ moment when he gets to deliver a few home truths to his less than welcome colleagues. Or how the barely concealed contempt that the members of this most disorganised group of world-defenders boils over into Tarantino shouting matches and gun waving turned up to eleven. But surely it should have been Ianto and not Owen who delivered the killing blow to their supercilious boss, what with the evening-out of matters that the cleaner-upper’s character has demanded ever since his girlfriend got totalled? If Torchwood had any real balls then surely the fall-out of this episode’s home-truths would have left the remaining members glad at the thought of their leader’s death; not hugging and kissing him like a returning prodigal brother following yet another resurrection. It’s this sort of flim-flam characterization that so inures people to Torchwood, not to mention that characters do things simply to serve the plot rather than because it’s what a real person would actually do.

Gwen's reaction to Rhys’ death is heart-wrending; her temporary insanity in the aftermath about the most believable thing done by anyone in this show yet

And how exactly does sealing the rift - which no-one exactly wanted opening in the first place anyway - reset all the strife that has been done? I mean, time’s not been reversed - if it had, surely no-one would remember any of this happening - and seeing as the Caretaker who murdered Rhys was himself a time-traveller, surely his actions are exempt from any deus-ex-machina-style wipe-clean anyway. And while we’re on the subject, what exactly does Abadon the Devourer suck out of Jack during their final face-off? His vortex-induced immortality? His life-force? His teeth-whitening? Or was it something that explains why Jack had such a contented expression on his face while lying on that mortuary slab..?

But somehow - somehow - amidst all this panto-style running around there is (that word again) a heart to 'End of Days' that makes you want to forgive Torchwood all its inumerable foibles and give it a nice warm mug of cocoa. And alone amidst a sea of snarling, bitching stereotypes, Eve Myles finally shows some of the acting credentials that got her noticed by the boffins at BBC Wales in the first place. Her reaction to Rhys’ death is heart-wrending; her temporary insanity in the aftermath about the most believable thing done by anyone in this show yet; and it’s only spoilt by the fact that - having against hope got the love of her life back - she only goes and abandons him again to go and sit with Corpse Jack.

Go on, admit it. Tell me you didn’t feel just a tiny thrill when the sound of the TARDIS engines whisked Jack off...

Ah yes, Jack. Like a certain vampire-with-a-soul before him, Jack gets to fulfil his prophecy and regain his humanity by sacrificing himself to save the whole world. At least, that’s what I’m reading into what happened in those admittedly confusing final moments. Redemption or resurrection, you choose for yourself. But whether it be Gwen’s love or something else that once again brings him back from the grave, you feel that particular issue will be left for Season Two to decide. But knowing this show, there’s about as much chance of that as Torchwood having two consecutively bullet-proof episodes.

Which leaves us with just that cliff-hanger. Go on, admit it. Tell me you didn’t feel just a tiny thrill when the sound of the TARDIS engines whisked Jack off to Doctor Who and God knows what convoluted explanation to his ongoing story arc. Personally I just knew from the moment that the Doctor’s severed hand - a plot point only us die-hard aficionados will have even taken any notice of, remember - started shaking around like a trapped animal that RTD just couldn’t help himself from tying his two love-children inextricably together. No doubt putting the whole debate regarding the morality of having an adult series so dependant on the viewership of a children’s show firmly back on the front burner.

I guess you’ll just have to humour me for this; but as one of Torchwood’s biggest latter-day apologists, I loved 'End of Days' despite all the reasons I shouldn’t have. And if you think I’m mad for doing so then I guess - like the employees of that particular organisation - we all end up alone sometimes.

(Cough) Roll on Season Two! (Cough)

('The Torchwood Book of Made-Up Facts' has this to say about End of Days: devotees of this show are now collectively known as ‘Jack’s f**k buddies’)

The Holly Oak

I sat down to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures wondering what a bloke in his thirties was doing watching a programme aimed squarely at kids. To be honest the only reason I was watching it was because I am a Doctor Who fan, and as you do, I will always watch anything with a Doctor Who connection and this episode had more old series references than the current series of Doctor Who has; for example the scene when Sarah relented and let the kids see into her attic room, where plastered over the wall were publicity photographs of the Brigadier, Harry Sullivan and the famous photograph from K9&Company. I am pretty sure that the Outpost Gallifrey server imploded from the deluge of posts about that scene, saying how much better and more Doctor Who like than Torchwood it was and how this is what a Doctor Who spin off should be like and that sort of stuff. I could be wrong though.

From the moment that I heard about this series and the fact that K9 would not be in it, I wondered what the hell was the point of it. I mean how many other children’s series have a middle-aged woman as the main character nowadays? I can only think of one and that is Come Outside with Lynda Baron as Auntie Mabel, but the star of that show isn’t Auntie Mabel, it’s Pippin her dog. So, I did wonder whether or not it would work. I mean this is the kind of show they should have made instead of K9 & Company and then it might still be running today. Imagine that, we could be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the show right now!

I will say that the titles and the theme music are much better than those of the last spin-off series featuring Elisabeth Sladen, and the logo is quite good as well, I liked the fact that the titles were very similar to those of the new series and even the theme music itself had some sort of similar vibe to the Doctor Who theme was well.

The plot was fairly interesting involving some sort of new soft drink a little bit like the stuff that Pete Tyler was peddling in the alternative universe, and surprise, surprise its bad for you, much like the chips were in School Reunion and luckily the plucky young girl who has moved in opposite to Sarah doesn’t like it, so is not going to be affected by the strange properties in said drink, unlike the majority of other people, including her own father.

Yes, it was quite predictable but the audience who this programme is aimed at are just going to be interested in watching the interplay between the young characters in the series chatting about the sort of things that they are going to be interested in, and that they are going to talk about when they go back to school that week, and also to marvel at the cgi work.

Only us grown up fans, who really shouldn’t be watching it in the first place, are going to think it’s predictable, and a bit childish but it is a children’s programme and what do you expect when you watch a programme aimed primarily at children. Just as in the parent series there were lots of references to modern day culture, I chuckled at the line about Hollyoaks and Jeremy Kyle.

Both Samantha Bond and Elisabeth Sladen were very good in this episode, with Samantha Bond being only slightly hammy in her role as the villainous Mrs Wormwood and Elisabeth Sladen getting so shine once again the in the role of her life. Yasmin Paige was great in the main role of Maria and she is one to watch out for in the future I am sure. I am not sure about the character of Kelsey, if she is meant to be really annoying then the actress playing her has done a good job, if not she would really grate in the series proper. The lad playing, the soon to become, Luke Smith was ok, a bit wooden, but then again he was playing a character who had only been alive for a few hours, so he actually did quite a good job.

There were enough references to the old series to keep the fans who were watching happy and not enough to confuse the hell out of the general audience of kids who had never seen the era of Doctor Who that Sarah Jane Smith was a part of.

One thing I am glad about is that they resisted the temptation to christen Sarah’s adopted son John, because that would have been sad wouldn’t it? I mean Alistair or Harry would have been good, and it would have kept the fans happy that the Brig and Harry got another mention, after seeing their pictures in Sarah’s attic room but calling him John would have been a step to far in my opinion.

Its quite nice isn’t it that Sarah has her own little TARDIS console room in her own house, it even looks a little bit like the alternative console room from series 14 which Sarah would have remembered well.

The K9 cameo was nicely judged and gave a perfectly good explanation why K9 will not be in the series from now on, one of the kids opinion of K9 mirroring Rose’s similar lack of enthusiasm about the faithful robot hound. Is it me or is it bit strange that Sarah has a safe that covers a black hole in their attic, because that is what most people have don’t they?

One thing I want to know is how in the hell did Sarah manage to make herself a sonic lipstick unless the Doctor gave her one (the lipstick before you even say it) after School Reunion, before Rose, Mickey and the Doctor ended up on a spaceship in the 50th century. I guess it makes sense that Sarah would have one of them, because all woman carry lipstick around with them at all times, don’t they? Or at least that’s what I’m told anyway.

Invasion of the Bane was an enjoyable enough piece of television, but I don’t know if I will be watching the series. I might, if I am not doing anything else whilst it is on, and I certainly won’t be buying it on DVD when it comes out, but the show isn’t really for me in the first place. Yes, I enjoyed it; no, I don’t think it is a spin-off too far, but I still prefer Torchwood and that is really the spin-off for me, this would have been if it had been made instead of K9 & Company back in 1981.

Bane Of The Cosmic Phone

The Sarah Jane Adventures

Thank you, Russell. No, I mean it. You've gone and actually done this blog a great big favour in providing the perfect ammunition to whack our detractors with - because if, as they love to point out, we're just a bunch sad old Whovians clinging onto the past and paying far too much attention than is healthy in what they deem a 'children's programme', then what precisely do you call this?

Because let's face it; only in a children's programme would you get away with the least inconspicuously-disguised aliens since the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live. Imagine a world domination scheme devised by the Grebulons from Mostly Harmless after an all-night session of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. What self-respecting alien armada would advertise the crux of their entire invasion plan on a bottle of pop? Alright, so it's a paper-thin metaphor for drugs for the kids to get, but I think I'd have been insulted if Nightmare Of Eden had laid it on like this back when I was ten. So we've got the Cillit Bang of fizzy drinks with the miracle ingredient called, funnily enough, 'Bane' (snort). And like, Bane is all organic and natural so it can't possibly be bad for you, right? Ninety-eight percent of the population (check the stats) can't be wrong. Even the Blue Peter gang gets in on it in a scene that would see the BBC's license charter instantly revoked; in my day John Noakes would have had more sense, Peter Purves has battled the Daleks so he's hardly going to be taken in by some crap orange drink, and it's a proven fact that Leslie Judd never consumes anything without button sweets in. So THERE.

"In my day John Noakes would have had more sense"

Alright, simmer down. The truth is, I had to keep reminding myself while writing that this was, at heart, a children's programme. So really it's a bit churlish to have a go at the story for its quickfire pop-culture namedropping, or when it takes a left-turn into Absurd Alley, or the occasional foray into cartoon logic. Like the toilets joke; why would octopoid aliens keep a ladies' in the factory basement, much less subscribe to its unwritten code of conduct? But it's funny, and I'd much have rather have something incongrous included for the sake of real wit than for being cool.

In fact, underneath the tomfoolery and CBBC pastel colours there's quite a dark streak running through Invasion Of The Bane. Back in Liz Sladen's time on the parent show, the scripts would frequently leap through ridiculous hoops to avoid saying the dreaded 'k-word' during teatime viewing. The Barry Letts drinking game - whenever 'destroy' is said instead of 'kill', take a swig. You'll be blind drunk before episode two of The Monster Of Peladon. No such qualms for this programme where threats of nasty and violent death are spat straight out. "Find that woman and kill her properly!" The sense of danger isn't any lessened for being aimed at a younger audience; George Romero would have spat out his bourbon when the episode turned into The Empty Bottle Of Lucozade Child, but zombies don't need to eat brains to be inherently scary.

Visually, the special's a treat; slick, glossy and not inexpensive, dark when the occasion and mood calls for it, and shiny and bright otherwise. The Mill are able to pull out all the stops with the CGI Bane monsters by shrewdly saving money using existing models from the other series, the attack sequence is never less than convincing, and at least we got to see and hear the daft metal dog, however briefly. The cast give us value for money too; after School Reunion, there was never any doubt as to whether Liz Sladen would be a strong enough actress to carry her own show, and she's still the same Sarah Jane we've always had a prepubescent crush on even though there's more Aunt Lavinia about her these days. Doesn't she have mad staring eyes when she gets authoritive as well? The other adults, of course, are there mainly to prove what every twelve-year-old instinctively knows; that all parents are tossers. She's a slag and he's a wimp, but an amiable if downtrodden bloke. And while Samantha Bond could easily have hammed it up like Sarah Parish did a week ago, she keeps it down to just the right level of pantomime. Mrs Wormwood, if indeed as I hope she is a recurring villainess, will certainly be a future force to be reckoned with.

"The Barry Letts drinking game - whenever 'destroy' is said instead of 'kill', take a swig. You'll be blind drunk before episode two of The Monster Of Peladon"

The real icing on the cake though is child actors who can actually act, which is more than Who season two managed. Kelsey's a bit of a culture-shock to an unmarried BBC-educated thirtysomething with a midlife crisis; do today's preteens really talk that streetwise? Does she have to scream quite so much? And she flirts shamelessly with older men she's barely even met, including Maria's dad! Am I just showing my age here, or is this ever so slightly wrong? God, I still would with Liz Sladen, mind, so I'm probably not one to talk.

What? I thought we ALL felt like that!

The Archetype is a great creation - very Tomorrow People - but it baffles me as to why he was created at all if the Bane were able to advance their plans without him. I can only guess the Bane conquer planets like earthlings play videogames and they were after the best ending from a perfect 100% conversion score. Never mind. Kids will love the Archetype mainly because he gets to say out loud all the things they're thinking and get away with it, because he's too new and too naive yet to actually know better. Since the trailer was the only piece of advance knowledge I'd had prior to the episode, I was equally unaware of all the character names, and thus I spent the last five minutes of the programme shouting "DON'T CALL HIM ARCHIE!" at the screen, because... well, you know you couldn't it past Russel, could you?

The only real letdown to Invasion Of The Bane - and this would be true regardless of audience age - was poor pacing. Put it next to The Runaway Bride and there's no comparison in this area, and that one had a new 'temp' companion in it who was the primary focus of the episode. So what went wrong here? Rose started off at a story midpoint, while it focused on the budding relationship between the new Doctor and companion, and its forty-five minutes were still barely enough to hold it all, even with the slight plot. But without a Radio Times listing at hand, I was convinced after fifteen minutes of mad dash that Invasion Of The Bane was going to be a twenty-five minute introductory show, a lead-in into the series proper that would take the form of an episodic serial a-la old Who. But it turned into a hour which positively dragged after the halfway mark while they went through each new character introduction and individual alien thingy in turn like an itemised phone bill, for the benefit of the entranced young-'uns. It spent long enough on this that the episode had to fall back on Russell's stock-in-trade rushed ending in the last ten minutes using the most heavily-signposted object in the story; when after you've said to yourself out loud around at the twenty-minute mark, "Don't tell me they're going to destroy the place with a mobile phone", they go and destroy the place with an intergalactic mobile phone. Ho hum.

And surprisingly, there's no incidental Murray for this particular show. Is this a good or bad thing? Well, Sam Watts is more restrained but also more nondescript; there were few places where I honestly noticed any incidental music at all. Murray however does get to be his usual bombastic self with the title theme; it's lively, it's jaunty, it's a perfect understanding of the CBBC brief, and it's also COMPLETELY WASTED because the bloody continuity announcer talked right over the middle of it. As a forthcoming CBBC series, you also know full-well that the woodentops on crack will do the same every week as well as squeezing the end credits into a tiny window, making them totally unreadable. WHY MUST THEY DO THIS! GODDAMMIT THAT SHIT IS ANNOYING!

"'They tend to go in with guns blazing.' Yes, at each other, normally"

The bottom line however is, Sarah Jane Adventures is by far a better kids' programme than Torchwood is an adult one. There's more alien gubbins in Sarah Jane's attic than in the whole of Torchwood for a start, and she makes them look like the incompetent nitwits they are. With the pilot episode, shown on New Year's Day at teatime - you don't get a much more traditional 'family viewing' slot than that - it would have been hopelessly naive of Russell to assume that none of its viewers had seen anything of its sister spinoff (did I say 'sister'? More like 'inbred cousin'), but he wisely keeps such continuity to a minimum. If anything, SJA comes across as an apology, though certainly not a fob-off, to the kids for not being able to watch Jack in his own show. Just as School Reunion did earlier, Invasion Of The Bane cross-references old Who for the sake of adult nostalgia with all sorts of spoddy 'artron energy' recollections for the fangeek parents, but aside from one oblique line about 'other secret organisations', there's no direct refrerence to Torchwood at all; in fact Sarah Jane says the line specifically to distance herself from them. "They tend to go in with guns blazing." Yes, at each other, normally. Could Mister Smith hack into the Torchwood hub computer? That would be a crossover worth watching.

I'm also hoping that SJA is a sign that Doctor Who season three will be venturing further into more offworld territory, since there's no reason to have three concurrent series that all more or less earthbound. Doctor Who will need to start moving away from the contemporary housing estates, so that it retains that distinctive flavour that kept it fresh in the past for so long. Whether that means more alien planets or more historical adventures, any such change is bound to be for the better. Meanwhile, with its own down-to-earth philosophy - that excitement and adventure can be found in the most ordinary of places, essentially an analogy for childhood itself - SJA also works hard to evoke a sense of wonder that Torchwood has, by and large, been reluctant to, and is thusly the most well-suited of the three shows to the surburbia locale by a very wide margin. Dark Seasons was no fluke; this is Russell showing his real calling with what could turn out to be one of most promising, captivating and magical slices of childrens' entertainment since The Box Of Delights some twenty years ago.

Here's to the ordinary, then.

The Doctor Who Adventures Sarah Jane Smith Pullout Section has this to say about Invasion Of The Bane: "KENNY BLEW UP THE FACTORY! LOLZ!"

Jack of Hearts

Christ, this show is frustrating.

Just as you think you can dismiss Torchwood as a steaming pile of over-hyped, oversexed and overrated nonsense, it keeps producing glimmers that - come the already commissioned Season Two - suggest it might still surprise us all. Because when it stops doing the whole pointy-gun, foully-mouthed, badly plotted shtick for just five minutes there are moments when this show threatens to hit pay dirt. And Captain Jack Harkness is one of them.

But as always, this recommendation comes with a big, big caveat: do not watch this episode and expect to find a superior slice of well-plotted television that makes you proud to boast as to the depth and invention that science fiction shows can offer - save that for BSG. Only watch this episode if you’re a soft, sentimental son-of-a-bitch like me. Believe me, you’ll be holding back the tears if you do.

Like Catherine Tregenna’s previous slice of Torchwood superius ‘Out of Time’, 'Captain Jack Harkness' plays on those well-worn old heart strings of love and loss. Transported back to the 1940s by an opening of the temporal rift, Jack and Toshiko find themselves uninvited guests at the last saloon dance of a bunch of RAF pilots who Jack especially has a unique bond with. For amongst them is the real Captain Jack Harkness, all gleaming teeth and American bravado in familiar place; but this one is fated to die in battle the following day. Leaving his name free to be adopted by a certain time-travelling rogue from the 51^st Century...

Yes, we’ve seen this sort of thing at least a hundred times before with the out of time interloper who holds forbidden knowledge of what is going to happen. And like I say there’s very little in this episode which is either new or innovative. But there’s a heart to Captain Jack Harkness - and it’s a heart which we simply haven’t seen enough of in Torchwood - that makes you forgive all the clichés and derivations. Leaving a memorable piece of television in its place.

And what the episode achieves most of all is the almost single-handed redemption of Captain Jack himself. With his post-resurrection angst having left a bitter taste in the mouths of his Who groupies, there were those that felt that the biggest failure of Torchwood was in reducing arguably the surprise success of 2005's revival to the status of callous, cold-hearted killer. Well, regret no more. Given a setting that evokes fond memories of the good Captain’s Blitz-set debut, it’s reassuring to realise once again just how right Jack feels in this time. And his own nostalgic joy at being stranded once more in lufftwaffe-torn Britain is perhaps the most heart-warming moment in the episode. For Jack, these days may have been filled with death and unrequited love; but they were also the only time that this most out-of-time of men felt at peace.

Yes, it’s yet another dip into same-sex activities for a show that has seen more Daily Mail-baiting liaisons than a whole career of Dennis Potter plays. But for once it’s done with all the awkwardness, compassion and honesty of a real-life forbidden friendship

So while Owen and Ianto audition for some bizarre kind of sitcom spin-off, in which they shout at each other and wave guns about, it’s left to Tosh to try to find a way out of the situation; leaving clues for her friends back - or rather, forward - in the 21^st Century to find. Though why she thinks that her own blood will fade slower than any other writing substance is anyone’s guess. There’s also some nice character development for her - finally - with mentions of her Grandfather’s birthday and her touching farewell to family she may never see again fitting nicely alongside some well-observed observations about her Japanese status at a time just before Pearl Harbour. And Naoko Mori’s a knockout in her period dress too.

But before you start noticing the thinly-veiled steals from the likes of The Shining - the creepy, Kenneth Williams look-alike Bilis Manger filling in as the ‘Caretaker’ of this particular ghost show - or the ‘Triangle’ episode of The X Files in which Mulder and Scully pass through the same place in different time zones, all is saved by the rather surprisingly tender (at least for Torchwood) love affair between Captain Jack Harkness and the man who steals more than just his heart. Yes, it’s yet another dip into same-sex activities for a show that has seen more Daily Mail-baiting liaisons than a whole career of Dennis Potter plays. But for once it’s done with all the awkwardness, compassion and honesty of a real-life forbidden friendship. And so well is it played that it doesn’t immediately dawn on you that the real Jack’s angst stems not just from the inability to kiss his girlfriend a final goodbye.

what should be a genuinely shocking moment of same-sex liberation feels like just one more trip to the titillation well

Homosexuality in war-torn Britain? Two butch men who only have eyes for each other across a crowded dance floor? You can’t really imagine the outrage that this sort of thing must have caused back in the day, but it’s still uncomfortable viewing even in our enlightened, anything-goes culture. It’s just a shame that after all the boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/weevil histrionics we’ve already seen in this show, what should be a genuinely shocking moment of same-sex liberation feels like just one more trip to the titillation well; sad and poignant though it is.

So with the finale upon us, more questions are raised than you can shake a perigosto stick at. Who are the ‘creatures’ that Jack said had ended his time in 1941? Who is the mysterious Caretaker who seems intent on disrupting time to his own ends? And has Owen started turning into a weevil, or did he always look so odd?

And why the bleeding hell did Ianto only go for the shoulder?!?

('The Torchwood Book of Made-Up Facts' has this to say about Captain Jack Harkness: ‘opening the rift’ is actually Torchwood slang for something rather filthy involving Owen and a cage-full of gerbils…)

'Is This Good?'

‘Watching Doctor Who spin-offs can be an adventure too. You just need to know where to look…’

Well, this Christmas try BBC3, BBC1 and CBBC for starters.

This is getting to feel a little like deja-vu of three months ago, but here goes. Welcome, all, to the new Doctor Who spin-off, featuring a group of intrepid investigators who collect alien technology and fight evil extra-terrestrial plans whilst using such coarse vernacular as ‘Gosh’, ‘Drat’ and ‘Wicked’. They’re led by an enigmatic, mysterious figure who seems to neither wither nor die and who has wistful memories of travelling with someone called ‘THE DOCTOR’. There are social problems - loneliness, divorce, high-sugar content drinks - and many alien menaces to combat. Welcome to Torch…

Um well, no. Obviously.

Still, the comparison is not without merit. ‘Cept of course this time we’re strictly aiming for the kiddy-winkles demographic rather than the mother-f**kers. The pilot for The Sarah-Jane Adventures was very loud, very confusing and very, very much a product of its target audience. Not unlike Torchwood. And like that show I’m not sure that I should be reviewing it, seeing as I don’t really think it was for me. Well, I am nearly thirty-five years old now; and the days of watching children’s television are of course long past.

Ahem.

I won’t waste much time discussing the plot - pilots tend not to waste much time devising them anyway, so who am I to argue - so instead I’ll try and look beyond the basics that this first hour of the latest Doctor-less universe provided and assess what potential the subsequent series proper may have.

1. The set-up.

Okay, it’s made for the CBBC crowd. That means lots of street-wise urchins talking in impenetrable tongues and making references to the tackier end of pop culture every five seconds. Adults in these shows are there for two reasons: 1) to be a bit lame, embarrassing and preferably fair game for the show’s adult totty; 2) to be sensible, boring and provide the juvenile leads with something to rescue week-in, week-out. In the case of the SJA pilot, we have Alan Jackson - father of Maria, our touchstone heroine - who comes across as the bastard offspring of a children’s TV presenter and the bland bloke who lives next door in a coffee commercial. Here is a man so lame as to not only let his tarted-up trollop of an ex-wife treat him like a walking branch of the Alimony bank, but also so inept at chatting up women that he lets his teenage daughter do it for him. This man has ‘victim’ stencilled through his boxer shorts like a parallel version of Calvin Klein.

Maria's Dad can’t be with Wanadoo, cos they take a bloody age to switch users when you change address

So anyway, he and his daughter Maria have just moved in across the road from a former time-traveller who likes nothing more than driving eccentric cars and wearing velvet coats (we’ll call her ‘Sarah-Jane’, for argument’s sake). And Maria is soon ensconced in the mad world of the intrepid journalist, encountering fearsome ceiling-hanging monsters, genetically-bred humans and arguably the most disgustingly sweet soft drink this side of Cherry Coke. Along for the ride is her comic relief neighbour Kelcie (think Mickey with ringlets), who only befriends her because her Dad happens to have broadband (can’t be with Wanadoo, cos they take a bloody age to switch users when you change address) and who’s been drinking more Bubble-Shock than an entire laboratory full of test-monkeys on saline drips. Apparently, there’s gonna be a future episode where you discover that Kelcie used to be white before she started her one-girl campaign for Michael Jackson-style dermatological enhancement with the aid of carbonated soft drinks.

2. Sarah-Jane Smith

Ah yes, the reason we’re watching this show through the mists of New Years Eve-induced fogginess in the first place. Well, time’s moved on for our investigative journalist - eighteen months or so from ‘School Reunion’, it seems - but Sarah’s still pining for the life of distant planets and ancient civilizations that the Doctor used to impress his companions with (sigh). Any road, Sarah’s now very firmly taken to acting like the Doctor in the absence of having the real thing - doing the grandiose speeches, acting all eccentric like a lesbian maiden-aunt and waving around her sonic lipstick like it’s about the only thing she keeps in her handbag that vibrates. Oh, and she’s lonely. So lonely in fact that her only friends are an alien extra from that episode of Torchwood when Tosh goes lezzer; a computer who acts like a static Jeeves - and goes by the name of ‘Mr Smith’, just to rub in the fact of Sarah’s thoroughly sexless existence - and a certain robot dog called K-9. Problem is, thanks to his absence as a result of solving some black-hole problem which might one day engulf the Earth (as you do), even K-9’s got better things to do; his brief - and rather sweet - cameo restricted to a couple of minutes of John Leeson talking in a safe. It’s a good thing that Bob Baker’s not still trying to get any ill-conceived animated spin-off off the ground, else we’d detect something distinctly fishy…

3. The villain.

Where do you go to after James Bond? Well, for namesake Samantha - Moneypenny to Brosnan’s recently-retired secret agent - the destination appears to be panto-hag; as she gives the sort of performance as Sarah-Jane’s would-be recurring nemesis (think Hilda Winters with a better tailor) that reluctant parents would have been dragged to by their offspring these past few festive weeks. Her Miss Wormwood is just - just - the right side of arch; but when your entire motivation comes from taking over the world with some sort of genetically-modified version of Sunny Delight, subtlety’s hardly gonna be your strong point. Nor is your master, as the real ‘Mother’ behind this farrago is revealed to be an early concept design for the Mighty Jagrafess, crossed with Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors.

4. The moral.

No woman is an island. Like the ninth Doctor on his televisual return, Sarah starts out as a dried-up old misanthrope; only to become part of a pseudo-family of suburban stereotypes in the space of fifty minutes. Then there’s the adopted son. Hmm. I wonder if this missing link in the Conrad twins legacy of ‘The Twin Dilemma’ will be quite as irritating in the subsequent series as he is here; seeing as he a) repeats every bleeding word another character says to him and b) is so socially dense as to think that being called Maria is a good move for a teenaged boy.

...like a lesbian maiden-aunt, waving around her sonic lipstick like it’s about the only thing she keeps in her handbag that vibrates

Oh, and not forgetting some rather obvious satire about consumer culture and the way multi-corporate entities just love to control our taste buds. Yes, this is aimed at kids but are we really talking down to them these days because we’re afraid of confusing the poor little souls with our multi-layered storytelling, or simply because it might put off the X-box generation which apparently constitutes 99% of all viewers anyway?

But just before you right this review off as the one-eyed ramblings of a deluded thirty-something who has just seen his childhood memories metaphorically raped again, I will say this for the SJA: Lis Sladen is still my sweetheart. If ‘School Reunion’ proved that there was life in the old girl yet, then ‘Invasion of the Bane’ merely confirms how this one-time crush of a million seventies’ adolescents can still hold her own when given centre stage. She’s about the only reason that I’ll watch the resultant series when it airs later this year; especially seeing as they’ve forgotten to get the rights to that sweet dog.

And I just bet she gets it on with Maria’s Dad, too.

(The Bumper Book of Made-Up Sarah-Jane Adventures Facts (gotta think of a snappier title than that) has this to say about Invasion of the Bane: the studio set for Sarah’s secret study - which showcased various homages to the journalist’s time on 'Doctor Who' - was based on Ian Levine’s living room)

Jack f**king Harkness

If you're waiting for the BBC Two repeat don't read this review.  I wouldn't want to spoil it for you because it's a treat really.  Everyone on Outpost Gallifrey is giving it five stars.  Now for the rest of us ...

What - the fuck - was that?

It's perhaps fitting that the final episode of Torchwood, after what has, at best, been a variable season should be utter bollocks.  But when the announcer beforehand suggested that there may be strong language, I really hadn't expected it to be from my own lips as I resorted to a mixture of swearing at the sheer awfulness masquerading as quality drama  and laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself. After blast of comedy that was The Runaway Bride, the intricate beauty of radio Who yesterday and the joy of The Sarah Jane Adventures earlier, I might have known Torchwood would ruin this Whovian marathon like a pissed streaker knocking over Paula Radcliffe just inches away from the finishing line and a world record. 

But actually, no, I should really save my enmity for the End of Days until I've dealt with Captain Jack Harkness, the first episode tonight, not the man.  Because, and I'm sure this'll be a total surprise considering the opening paragraph to this review.  I really quite liked it.  And not just because Ianto finally got around to shooting Owen.  In keeping with most of the season, of course some elements were entirely derivative, this time of anything from Back To The Future to the underrated Frequency, with a character lost in the past leaving clues to some future friend to help them escape and the well worn conceit of not being able to tell someone about their fateful future.

Where it really scored was as a character piece which developed some of the mystery of Captain Jack which has been brewing since the first series of Doctor Who.

Where it really scored was as a character piece which developed some of the mystery of Captain Jack which has been brewing since the first series of Doctor Who.  For the first time in ages he seemed to be somewhat close to his old self, compassionate without being deadly really wanting, with a Sam Beckett Quantum Leap vibe to give the man whose identity he would 'borrow' the best final night he could, and with, for once, lots of romance.  Well alright it was a bit of a coincidence that he should meet his name sake in Cardiff on that night of all nights, but sometimes this kind of serendipity can work well in drama and it did here.  The sudden reappearance of what looked like the basement from New Earth jarred, but the recreation of the rest of the period setting was lovely and the introduction of wartime animosity towards Tosh was surprisingly realistic.

Pleasingly, however, the contemporary scenes ran in parallel and the whole benefited from having a definable goal to work towards, the find of the equation, the opening of the rift.  Considering that this was a Doctor Who spin-off tackling time travel at least it was doing something else with it, really showing the consequences of potentially being lost in time.  Pity Owen though, that, even when he's doing something for best of intentions he still came across as a twat and when the bullet pierced his shoulder it really was a shame that it wasn't his head (for reasons that'll become clear below).  I genuinely thought they were going to kill him off, so the only real disappointment of the episode was that he lived to snarl another day.  My only real question is -- what was the missing dongle from the Rift Machine doing in a grandfather clock in some random dance hall? 

Barrowman probably gave his best performance of the season and he was aided by a feisty turn from Naoko Mori revealing once more what a wasted opportunity the persistent focus on Gwen all season has been.  It's just a shame that the apparent loyalty between whatever his name is and Tosh wasn't carried over to the next episode - but this is the upbeat part of review so I'm really not going there yet.  Matt Rippey as the real Jack was excellent too, very touching as a man divided and for once a guest cast member who worked within the ensemble rather than overshadowing them (which is actually a good thing).  Murray Melvin as the time hopping Bilis, who I'm sure will eventually be revealed to be Gary from Goodnight Sweetheart at pension age, was particularly creepy in his scenes and if I'd had a week between episodes I really think I would have been looking forward to seeing what they did with him.  Thank god for that.

Matt Rippey as the real Jack was excellent too, very touching as a man divided and for once a guest cast member who worked within the ensemble rather than overshadowing them (which is actually a good thing).

It's a pity then that it was all for naught as, after a quick flash of the logo, the series once again plunged headlong into a vat of manure.  The trailer for End of Days was quite promising with all the visitations from the past and Sarah Hughes in The Observer built my hopes up further by suggesting that 'this excellent finale shows' that the programme 'has potential'.  Sarah, given that you also say that the scripts needed tightening up how can you justify this episodic mess as being 'excellent'.  Were we watching the same programme? 

Y'know the one were they didn't seem to have a clue how to finish the season so decided to pull a hitherto unheralded fifty-foot demon out of the ground and have it stomp all over Cardiff, which looked half amazing but made NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER?  At least when Buffy revealed the First Evil it ran with it for a whole season and didn't just trot it out in the closing twenty minutes.  We've seen surprise aliens before, but this appeared without any logical foreshadowing.   

It's a shame because the episode began quite well with the cameo from Carrie Gracie from News 24 and the indications of all the timeslips across the world (the sudden appearance of The Beatles on the roof of Abby Road studio is a good thing).  This created the potential for an epic battle with time, a season long story of attempting to send everyone back where it came from Invasion of the Dinosaurs style.  But then Torchwood, the series and the organization, did what it always does, sits around in the hub having an argument and then interacted with the big epic happening by meeting a Roman Centurion in a police cell and a couple of extras in a hospital.  Not even the sudden appearance of PC Andy, the man who is a regular in the good version of the series in my head, with his lovely acting could save the tedium.  While the idea was probably to make the big, small, how boring is that?

But then Torchwood, the series and the organization, did what it always does, sits around in the hub having an argument and then interacted with the big epic happening by meeting a Roman Centurion in a police cell and a couple of extras in a hospital.

The episode was, well episodic, so once all the stuff that was happening across the globe had been established and they'd made the ooh two visits to see what was happening in Cardiff (hardly the montage sequence in Ghostbusters is it?  And we know they've seen Ghostbusters) everything finally came home to roost after yet another argument in the hub and Owen finally being kicked out (well until he sneaked back in later).  This was spoilt by taking about half an hour as Owen knocked on for no readily apparent reason about retcon again.  Get out of there.  No one cares and this has zero to do with what is to come.  This was another example of Torchwood dropping in useless exposition that would not be paid off later when it should have been consolidating the overall story of the coming apocalypse.

Meanwhile, the sudden appearance of Lisa to Ianto in the trailer was revealed to be - nothing more than a vision cooked up Buffy First Evil style by whatever lies beneath to try and get them to open the rift.  Again.  And for the lucky people who might have skipped every other episode there was the usual nano-flashback to explain who she is, although I wonder how many people would actually recognize her without the metal bondage gear and high heals.  Same thing happened for Owen and although it was, nice, seeing these old faces again I don't think their presence was really explained or how whatever it was had read their mind.

The not unexpected visit to the caretaker's shop was marred by being apparently minutes after Owen had been kicked out of the hub and a repeat of the characterization incongruity that occurred in Countrycide after Owen and tried to dry hump Gwen up against a tree.  After telling Jack what to go do with himself after kicking out her fuckbuddy, who let's be clear on this, has potentially brought about the end of the world, Gwen's in the shop cracking jokes again and joshing with whatever his real name is.  What is it with this characterization?  Shouldn't she still be a little bit pissed off?

The not unexpected visit to the caretaker's shop was marred by being apparently minutes after Owen had been kicked out of the hub and a repeat of the characterization incongruity that occurred in Countrycide after Owen and tried to dry hump Gwen up against a tree.

As usual, there was no urgency to the scene and at no point have we being reminded of the stakes.  Bilis is back, still creepy, still possibly a really interesting character.  Is he a timelord?  Probably not, but his sudden CGless disappearance into time was fairly interesting even if the scene lacked momentum.  It's at this point then that the episode went totally off the rails as though all sense had left the writing and directing process and the story was being put together by a group of chimps playing a Torchwood Roleplaying Game. 

Well alright I can see now what they were doing.  Bilis gives Gwen vision of the future and the death of Reece.  Gwen takes Reece to Torchwood.  Bilis breaks into Torchwood and kills Reece.  Cue tragic music and much emoting from poor Eve Myles, who was acting her heart out for nothing.  Inevitably, this being Torchwood I assumed that they really had killed her boyfriend, it being entirely likely that he'd been pottering about in seven odd episodes, shouting now and then, so I was pretty incensed.  That fact that now I'm only realising that he was murdered by Bilis to turn Gwen to the point of wanting to open the rift either means I'm very slow or it simply wasn't made very clear in the episode.  Probably the former.

You see you really have to wonder what goes on in the tone meetings when Owen just wonders back into the hub, the gang standing over the corpse of Reece and Tosh grins like she's just won the lottery, whilst and let's make this again quite clear, the world is ending and it's his fault.  At least this led into the best part of the episode when John Doe launched into a list of everything the team has done wrong all series and pays off everything I've been saying.  It wasn't quite the meta-joke I was expecting but at least it showed that he was aware of the mistakes the other characters had made, bravely underlining the fact that this is the series that has no likeable characters whatsoever.  It's a misfortune then that, well alright let's call him Jack for now, received the gun shot to the head as this bunch of jerks showed the loyalty we've loved to see from them all these episodes.

You see you really have to wonder what goes on in the tone meetings when Owen just wonders back into the hub, the gang standing over the corpse of Reece and Tosh grins like she's just won the lottery, whilst and let's make this again quite clear, the world is ending and it's his fault.

Now I have to admit to the next section of the episode being something of a blur.  I remember cheering when the hub was blown up Liberator style, seeing them run for their lives, suddenly deciding that Jack is still their leader when they need him, dragging his body outside.  And Bilis talking in tongues and bringing out the re-rendering of the beast from The Satan Pit, something else buried in the Earth that is being unearthed this festive season.   He was the Son of the Beast apparently.  Of all the mother series monsters to make an appearance I hadn't expected that.  Disappointingly no attempt was made to suggest that all of the characters wierd behaviour in the previous twelve episodes was a result of his influence, just this one, and after that I was laughing at it too much to remember much else apart from seeing John Barrowman, so great on Loose Women and Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the man who could have been Will with Grace, having to sit in some gravel being oppressed by a giant shadow.  Is Jack dead?  Is this going to be the cliffhanger?

Err no.  Two reasons.  Firstly we know Jack's back in Doctor Who Season Three in, Utopia, an episode written by Steven Moffat.  Secondly, because there are ten minutes of the episode remaining.  Of Gwen sitting around at his bedside waiting for him to rejuvenate.  You mean there wasn't another ten minutes of cool time tripping goodness at the opening of the story because of this?  This scene might have worked if we still thought about any of these characters sympathetically but, and this is the reason I've been so detailed in my description of their actions, they've been so random in their behviour for the whole episode, let alone series that we just don't care. 

I spent half of it wondering how killing the beast meant that time became a do-over, fixing the hib and everything else.  It was like watching the final episode of that season of Dallas in which Pam woke up and Bobby stepped out of the shower, the bomb explosion in an office that took out both JR and Sue Ellen simply part of a wacky dream reseting everything that had gone before much like the re imagining of the timeline that went on here s0 that everybody lives.  The other half was taken up with a wait for the inevitable, a final blast of lethargy in a series that has been filled with it.  Seeing Jack stand and forgive his teammates was nice, but you just know that they're not going to be any different next series ...

Then in the final moments, Jack's whisked away by the sound of the Tardis.  It says a lot that this sound can still be quite stirring and that you can imagine that the Doctor and Martha are already on board, enjoying their adventures.  Perhaps we'll eventually find out why they decided to select that moment to pick up Jack and not when Cardiff was being menaced by a giant beastie and the Earth was being destroyed by giant cracks in time.  Perhaps there will be an episode of that series that will explain all of the plotholes in this episode but I doubt it.  But it says a lot about Torchwood that it didn't end with its own internal cliffhanger and one that will instead be explained in a mother series entirely.  If only I'd watched the film End of Days.  At least that has the unlikely sight of Miriam Margolese in a fist fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If only I'd watched the film End of Days.  At least that has the unlikely sight of Miriam Margolese in a fist fight with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I appreciate this has all been very harsh and sarcastic and fueled by too much caffeine and I'll probably regret some of it in the morning, particularly the bit about the chimps but Torchwood has largely been a massive disappointment and it simply makes no sense to me that the same production team behind Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures can turn out something this crude and apparently be very pleased with it.  As this review/rant has demonstrated I have a tendency to over analyze everything which could be why I tend to focus on narrative flaws at the expense of what is often quite fluid direction, remarkable lighting design, editing and music.  If anything Captain Jack Harkness pointed to there still being potential in the series, but End of Days was no way to do anything.  And I do wish I could be one of the people on Outpost Gallifrey giving it five stars, but I'm not, I'm the grinch and that's that.  Perhaps on the level of a television comic book it works.  I just expect a bit more from something calling itself adult drama.

I'm going to bed.

Success!

At last, I can finally say Russell T Davies has created a successful piece of television. There were flaws, yes. There was pointless character development, yes. There were unnecessary spectacles designed to look good without any relation to the plot, yes. But it didn't matter. This wasn't one for the grown ups, this wasn't meant to be a fully coherent show, any more than Balamory has continuity. I don't expect we'll ever get any explanation to her sonic screwdriver or her "Mr Smith", but it doesn't matter. The kids won't care.

So anyway, I quite enjoyed it for what it was. Lis Sladen was as utterly superb as ever, and it was interesting to see how K9 would be written out, given the strange setting for his own series. The other performance that held the show was Thomas Knight's Luke. It was an interesting way of giving Sarah a tie to the place, and of giving her a bond to the other characters across generations. It is possible that he was just wooden, but his portrayal was absolutely on the nail. Anyway, well done to him.

Samantha Bond gave a very bizarre performance, but it worked. Oh, what the hell, "They've all done very well" as Young Mr Grace might say.

The writing is very clever, and while the plot might be a bit dumb, the scripting is intelligent and very compatible with the characters. The only issue I have with the script is the connection to DW, which seems slightly overdone, and a lot of the time references seem slightly crowbarred in, like the references to Rose in The Runaway Bride. Still, they were marginally more subtle this time, so it didn't matter as much.

Apparently that alien at the start was the same as Mary from Torchwood. Is it right to connection a 10 pm BBC3 show with a 5 pm BBC1 show? Just a thought.

So in closing, I probably won't be tuning in next series, but I believe that RTD has hit his niche. I don't know if he was taking more time over this than his DW episodes, but he has done a cracking job this time.

The Bumper Book of Made Up Doctor Who Facts has this to say about The Sarah Jane Adventures: The next series will feature yet more connections to the rest of the Whoniverse: K9 will send a time-telegram from 30,000 years in the future, Rose will speak via hologram from her alternative universe, and Jack will come to Bannerman Road to shag Sarah Jane, believing her to be the Doctor in disguise.

THAT'S The Way To Do It!

Hi all, first post here, so be gentle... Well, gentle-ish.

So, this is 2007... To be honest, it's feeling suspiciously like 2006 at the moment; So much so, infact, that I'd be convinced the New Year was still to come, if it wasn't for the Sycorax Leader staring at me from January's page on the 2006 calendar, and the debut of Doctor Who spinoff 'The Sarah Jane Adventures'.

For those who didn't see it, the show is a disturbing insight into the darker aspects of Doctor Who fandom. Elisabeth Sladen plays a male Doctor Who fan trapped in a surprisingly shapely female body given that it's just the wrong side of middle age, and she's saddled with many character traits that will seem familiar to most- Doctor Who merchandise strewn all over the house, she believes she can communicate with aliens, and at the beginning of the episode her only friends seem to be the remote-controlled K9 she got for Christmas, and her computer.

The story itself was a fairly basic and unsettling one; Over the course of the hour, the aforementioned Doctor Who fan discovered that she was able to fill the void in her life by spending large amounts of time with children, culminating in a charming little scene where she asks one of them to disrobe in her living room.

The above is the sort of thing I'd be writing about The Sarah Jane Adventures (or 'Invasion of the Bane') if I were cynical. Or rather, if I were a cynical bastard who hadn't spent the last ten weeks enduring the gun-waving, mouth-shouting, date-raping train wreck that's been lurking in the depths of Cardiff Bay since October. As it is, seeing how bad a Doctor Who spinoff can be (and I've watched K9 and Company) softened me up quite a bit for TSJA; As a result, I really quite liked it.

Alright, so it wasn't perfect- There were a few moments where it was just a little bit too CBBC, and if the actress playing Kelsey is asked back to Cardiff to film the ten episodes of the series proper, I'll be rather disappointed- but overall, it was an enjoyable way to spend an hour, much in the same way as the recent 'Runaway Bride' was. It hit all of the right notes- A good old-fashioned Doctor Who alien race led by a formidable figurehead for the Doctor/SJS to have a proper battle of wits against, a lot of running around through corridors, and a subtle but effective dose of nostalgia (Though I found it slightly odd that there were no pictures of Tom or Pertwee among those on her walls).

The show was remarkably well-paced, building up the mystery whilst being sure to punctuate events with frequent action sequences, and any worries that Elisabeth Sladen wouldn't be able to carry a series without K9 were thrown out of the window; It was completely and utterly our Sarah-Jane Smith, and this was perhaps the closest we've gotten to the old Sarah since 'The Hand of Fear' all those years ago. That said, I'll be more than happy if Bob Baker finally decides to drop the Adventures of K-Aibo cartoon so that our K9 can make his way out of the Satan Pit...

Yes, this is how Doctor Who spinoffs should be done. Speaking of which, I'd better be off now- My girlfriend has a theory that eating Ben and Jerry's whilst watching 'Torchwood' fills the emotional void left by the shoddy plotting and gross lack of characterisation. And my freezer's empty.

The Orange Death

When the only thing that grates in a piece of drama is the judicious use of the word 'muffin' something must have gone right.  Really, you'd have to be a cynical sausage not to come away from the first story of The Sarah Jane Adventures, The Invasion of the Bane thinking that it was a Doctor Who spin-off too far.  As promised, this was a full bloodied piece of drama, skewed only slightly younger than it's parent series, full of heart and fun and madness.  Unlike Torchwood I can't really compare this to anything else because the last real kids show I watched was probably Box of Delights on dvd last year, but I think the key to the show's success is that you didn't actually feel like you needed to make any allowances for the fact that its not supposed to be directed your target audience.  It had as much fizz bang and wizzle as anything else in the franchise and was far superior to most episodes of the show set in Cardiff.

Sure the story was simple and not completely original, dealing as it did with an alien compound in a foodstuff brainwashing the populace into becoming zombies, with a ceiling dwelling alien at its nexus.  And it was all very Pertwee era really with a factory, despite the day-glo orange fixtures, that wouldn't have looked out of place in The Green Death and the alien leader, Mrs. Wormwood, the kind of theatrical megalomaniac currently missing from the main show - Samantha Bond's steely eyes and cold delivery being perfectly alarming in a Delgado Master way.  And with all the shapeshifting they were all from the same genus as School Reunion's Krillatines, except I would say far more repulsive in their non-human form.  Unlike those Pertwee stories, the allegory here was at the kid-friendly level of extolling the nastiness of junk food, with the clever kids, not drinking the sugary stuff, not being possessed.   Still I'm sure theres a merchandising opportunity should Barrs want to rebrand Irn-Bru for a younger audience.

It had as much fizz bang and wizzle as anything else in the franchise and was far superior to most episodes of the show set in Cardiff.

But as I wrote of The Blood of the Daleks last night, the key here was execution.  This seemed to be directed better than any of Colin Teague's Torchwood episodes and it was quite shock to actually be able to see anything other than HD-downmix blur.  The music was unmemorable alth0ugh that's actually a good thing in this case because it didn't drown out whatever the drama was and I didn't detect any of the annoying repetition that's dogged some episodes of the other spin-off -- this seemed to be the work of someone else, someone with a better sense of pacing, flow and storytelling.  I hope that these sensibilities will continue into the main series in this case.

I was really worried that despite having her name in the title, Sarah-Jane would recede into the background, simply advising the kids as they went off on their own adventures.  Perhaps predictably they took the Rose/Everything Changes route of introducing the Rose/Gwen character Marie up front and then presented Sarah-Jane as the slightly distant figure, but then, cleverly, and with some relief they took advantage of the fact that most kids will know who she is from School Reunion and ran their stories in parallel.  So as the kids got lost in the factory in true Children's Film Foundation fashion, Sarah-Jane was confronting the villain.

Unlike K9 and Company, this showed a real respect for Sarah-Jane as a character; unlike the tin dog, the younger cast members weren't allowed to overshadow her, still keeping her front and centre in the drama.  So even though the kids had a hand in the solution at the end, she still had that powerful moment when she realised how to get back into the factory, perhaps remembering Mickey's approach from School Reunion.

It's nice too that she is working outside the government, but unlike the buffoons in Torchwood, not always taking the military option.

To a degree, quite properly, she's become something of an ersatz Doctor with all of the gadgets.  You can see items such as the sonic lipstick (I mean really) and Mr Smith as useful narrative devices in the half hour format to get to the nub of the problem.  It's a shame K9 won't be around too much, but that scene in which in floated in space was really quite touching and it's nice that they at least acknowledged his contractual absence.  It's nice too that she is working outside the government, but unlike the buffoons in Torchwood, not always taking the military option (unless you count that bottle of defensive spray) and diplomatically making friends with aliens even if they happen to look like they want to possess your body for centuries and go on a shagging spree. 

What about that room, a love letter to her days traveling with the Doctor and working with UNIT?  The picture of Alistair?  The photo of her and K-9 and was that Tom? All of those continuity references were perfect, there for the long terms fans but ignorable by the target audience.  I mean Artron Energy, how cool is that?  It's a shame that the anthology/amalgam/whatever he was ended up with a Star Wars reference for a name.  Although Alistair and Harry are quite old fashioned names now I suppose, but I was really hedging for John.  Plus Sarah wasn't afraid to use the D word in front of the children.

I mean Artron Energy, how cool is that?

What with all this and the Gallifrey mention in The Runaway Bride, the franchise is becoming increasingly free and easy with the mythology and I for one whole heartedly approve so long it's done as sympathetically as here.  Given that this story was set at least a year and a half after School Reunion (as per the K9 (sniff) conversation) that puts this in late 2008 perhaps even 2009 (consults Lance Parkin's Ahistory) I wonder how the Butler Institutes's environmental clean up operation is proceeding and if the reconstruction of San Francisco has begun yet.

Some might bristle at the contemporary references though.  Does 'muffin' have currency amongst the play-ground set now?  Don't I sound like I'm a hundred years old?  But at the least the Jeremy Kyle and Hollyoaks references seemed ok and how funny to hear them in a BBC show.  Nice to see the welcome return of Blue Peter although I wonder what Konnie Huq would say if she knew that in the Whoniverse she'll still be in the job two years hence?

Given that Kelsey was sidelined in finale, it looks like that character's job will be to get into the trouble that the other three will sort out, the Shaggy/Cordelia of this Scooby-gang.

The key success is casting.  Yasmin Paige playing Maria is a fine actress and Liz Sladen is obviously having great fun working with her.  There was a real depth and warmth and naturalness to her performance topped off with bags of good humour.  As Luke, Tommy Knight had a perfect Brent Spiner-like stillness that didn't spill off into Haley Joel Osment AI territory.  I'd say the only weak link amongst the kids was Porsha Lawrence Mavour who has that straight out of stage school sheen the other two lacked.  Given that Kelsey was sidelined in finale, it looks like that character's job will be to get into the trouble that the other three will sort out, the Shaggy/Cordelia of this Scooby-gang.  Rounding out what appears to be the guest cast was Joseph Millson as Marie's father -- good sense of irony and likeability.

And there is the middle of it all was Liz Sladen.  I'd like to finally get around to listening to those Big Finish stories to see if this is a different version of the character, but her work here was absolutely in keeping with the past of the character and her appearance in School Reunion.  Sure enough, she is like the eccentric aunt and she seemed far more relaxed than in K9 and Company.  Then she seemed have a kind of authoritarian attitude thrust up on her but here she'd still retained that slightly goofy sense of fun and also managed somehow not to look silly holding up, and I'll say this again, a sonic lipstick.

This has the potential to be a really great, really fun series.

This has the potential to be a really great, really fun series.  The way is open for all kinds of different types of stories and I'd imagine much of the time it'll be in the territory of Round The Twist or Erie , Indiana, general weirdness working its way through in twenty-five minutes, with Luke discovering this world he's been born into, Marie discovering the new side the world she thought she once knew and Sarah-Jane finally finding her place in that world.  Unlike Torchwood, it feels like a genuine Doctor Who spin-off rather than something that's been bolted onto the 'verse and apparently the return of many old favourites is promised.  Perhaps this will be the true place for the reintroduction of Lord Lethbridge-Stewart with the kids being scared by a Yeti sitting on a toilet in Tooting-Beck.

Suzie bearing random shoes out of time.

TORCHWOOD: Random Shoes (With a few comments on other episodes)

I’ve been absent from these pages for a few weeks as I’ve been toying with having a life to the extent of not even watching Torchwood.  I did, however, record each episode and so a while back I sat down to watch three episodes in a fairly short space of time.

Needless to say, my head hurts.

I’ll do a quick appraisal of the first two episodes I watched and then delve slightly deeper in the latest one.

Greeks Bearing Gifts – Yawn.  Really, that’s all I have to say about it.  Dull beyond redemption.

They Keep Killing Suzie – And so they should.  There was a good story in there somewhere, but as usual the heavy handed, hammered-home story telling ruined it.  Oh and we learn that there’s something in the dark coming for Jack!  Oooohhh!!  Big Whoop!!

I really wish that I could care, but I still feel no sense of camaraderie with any of these people and have no emotional investment in their fate.  I haven’t really missed watching this every week.  I’ll keep going out of some, probably misplaced, sense of optimism that things will get better but really not anticipating any kind of last minute reprieve.

Oooohhh!!  Big Whoop!!

One thing that back to back viewings have highlighted is the fact the John Barrowman has a very limited acting range.  When he’s doing â