Behind the Sofa - The Collaborative Doctor Who Blog

Tipping the Velour

"Scotty, the lesbian levels are at their lowest ever. We need to re-energise the Dykelithium crystals."
"Captain - the old girl cannot take any more rutting."
"Bugger that, Scotty, Kirk wants his lady-on-lady action."

Torchwood: Greeks Bearing Gifts

Somewhere, deep down amongst all my other psychological problems (some of which don't even have anything to do with Torchwood) is the nagging fact that whenever someone mentions the name Tosh all my telly addled mind can do is think of the moustachioed detective constable from The Bill, Mr Alfred 'Tosh' Lines, played by the late Kevin Lloyd.

"Reg Hollis sucking the face off Bob Cryer."

Although I'm fairly sure that's where the similarities end as I can't recall Sun Hill nick being faced with a situation like this, unless you count the time they found Reg Hollis sucking the face off Bob Cryer in detention cell 3.

And that thought is just about as repugnant as the idea of the growing shagfest between Owen and Gwen. Jeez. Even in Wales there must be some archaic tribal laws against this sort of stuff. You know, the laws that haven't been repealed for hundreds of years. I mean, hello! Even the skeletal corpse - deftly under played by Posh Spice's fatter cousin - getting it on with Ianto is a more appealing prospect.

"A barely perceptible main course of wafer thin adult drama served on a bed of tepid lesbo action."

But beaming in to save the episode from ugly people having bad sex was Daniela Denby-Ashe, the sole reason to go anywhere near My Family. It's not like she'd need a piece of alien jewellery to workout that Tosh works for Torchwood as it's plastered across every single blisteringly ugly square panel of the company car. All they need is a bumper sticker saying "How's My Driving? Call the Driving Courtesy Section of this Top Secret Organization." Tune in next week when marauding Chavs from the Lambrini Nebula communicate via imprints left by their sovereign rings after throwing punches.

But even Daniela's presence wasn't enough to cover up a barely perceptible main course of wafer thin adult drama served on a bed of tepid lesbo action. And as for an alien artefact that allows you to experience the pointless thoughts of other people, all you need to simulate that is mixing a feed from the Blogsphere mixed with a quick spin through the short wave dial in the dead of night. And bingo-bango, there you go.

And for using the term Blogosphere I shall now administer thirty lashes with a thorny birch bush to my own posterior, say six hail Marys and prostrate myself at the feet of the one true Tosh.

The Torchwood Bumper Book of Date Rape Techniques has this to say about Greeks Bearing Gifts:  the stick up Tosh's arse is now available from all reputable sex shops this Christmas for only £19.99. Anally intrude the loved one in your life tonight.

iWho Podcast: The Three Doctors

"Mad as a box of frogs and a bit loose at the ego..."

Tachyon TV present an alternative DVD commentary to The Three Doctors Part 1

Topics up for discussion include: the Brigadier's self-esteem, UNIT secrecy, Barry Lett's CSO postcard home, Pertwee's script locations, man jelly, renegade Time Lord claw fixations, Gallifrey call centers, and Oliver Postgate.

The podcast is available from the usual place

Help!

It is quarter to two in the morning, and I've just woken up with this in my head, and I head to get it on here as soon as possible, or the lemmings won't give me my life back.

HELP!

When I was High Lord President on Gallifrey
I took my TARDIS and I vanished in the haze.
But now and then I feel a little insecure
Because you see, there may still be a Sontaran on board.

Help me if you can, he's got a gun
And he knows what me and Pompadore have done!
(Read our exclusive story in The Sun)

Won't you PLEASE PLEASE help me?!?!?

And now my life has changed in oh, so many ways.
I spend my time running from Dalek Death-Gun/Rays.
And Slitheen and Cybermen and Mara - it's not fair!
Last week I faced The Beast himself: PM Tony Blair!

Help! I'm chasing after a taxi!
Still, just think how much worse it could be.
I could premiere on BBC3.

Oooh! I fancy some Brie.

And wine: the Chablis, Chabliiiiiiis, ooooooooh......

-------------------

OK, it gets a bit surreal towards the end, but I'm tired and unable to think of anything better to go there. Night, night.

Fanzine Charity Total...

We have managed to raise a massive £144.50 from the sale of the fanzine (after P&P and PayPal costs [not too sure yet how much that is with Gift Aid added on]). Well done to everyone who's contributed to this fantastic total. I've been in touch with the charity and they'll issue us with a letter thanking us for the contribution in about a week, which I'll post on the blog.

All remaining orders will be posted out tomorrow.

Well done you lot.

Toshiko Take A Bow

It may come as no surprise to people on here that I really enjoyed this week’s episode. Now, once you have all recovered from your fainting spells, onto the episode itself.

Torchwood: Greeks Bearing Gifts

For the first six episodes of the series, Toshiko Sato had about as much characterisation as a companion of the old series of Doctor Who: i.e. very little, but now in this episode she has suddenly become a more interesting character. For the first time we saw her outside of the hub, went to her house, found out some background information on her and she had the majority of the action of the episode with the rest of the characters taking a back seat for once.

In fact I hardly saw Ianto in the episode apart from the time Toshiko heard his thoughts about how he doesn’t really want to be there and how he is so miserable (and that brief scene said so much about his state of mind), and then right at the end where the rest of the crew appeared to confront Mary.

In this episode both Owen and Gwen have caught the same smuggy, smug smug virus that the Doctor and Rose had through the whole of the second series, and you really disliked the way they both treated Toshiko in the episode, but that was really the whole point here, we were supposed to feel empathy for Tosh, and see the other characters in a completely different light to how we had before.

Jack was very mysterious in the episode and I am so sure that he is more than just human from Tosh not being able to read his mind, and also the way he was able to project his thoughts to Tosh telepathically in the final scenes. I mean Mary could do that and she wasn’t human was she? Perhaps some humans can do this but I am certain there is more to Jack than meets the eye. I am sure that this will all be addressed by the end of this first series and before Jack returns to Doctor Who to beat the smugness out of the Doctor (hopefully).

Just like Ghost Machine before it Greeks Bearing Gifts was a very character based episode with very little in the way of actual plot. This is not a criticism as we got some good character moments in the episode and I certainly like Tosh more than I have done so far, and I always had a soft spot for her; Owen was just being Owen and Gwen was a little big smug for my liking. Of course by the end Gwen redeemed herself by apologising to Tosh, but Owen just carried on as normal. I don’t believe we are always supposed to like Owen and there are times when he is an annoying bastard but at times he can be quite funny. The problem with him is that most people can’t get past the first time they saw him when he used that spray on that girl to get her to shag him. If I were in Owen’s position, if I’m being honest, I’d have probably done the same thing. Tosh may have held a torch for Owen for a long time before this episode but I doubt she will feel the same way again.

I know for a lot of people the whole lesbian angle was only put in the episode for mere audience titillation but I would refute that and say that both of the times this has happened it had been for plot reasons and not just for titillation for the straight male viewers out there. Now I must admit that that sort of thing is the sort of thing that I will happily watch and I don’t have a problem with it but in this case it was to further the plot and, at the end of the day, it made Tosh happy for a short while and I think she deserved a little bit of happiness even if it was only short lived.

This episode is quite a bit like Whithouse’s episode of Doctor Who (School Reunion if you didn’t know) in that both of them didn’t really have much plot to speak of and both were character pieces, and it also had some funny lines, quite a few of them being in the scenes when Tosh was walking the streets of Cardiff wearing the pendant, hearing the kind of things that most people probably are thinking about as there are walking about minding their own business such as: worrying about sending emails, wishing you had said something witty rather than stupid, hoping that you had got off with someone etc.

Again it was pretty convenient that Tosh happened to walk past someone who was on their way to murder their ex-wife and child but it was a nice touch and showed Tosh in a heroic light. Both Owen and Gwen thoughts that were overheard by Tosh were pretty much the sort of stuff that would happen if they were involved and didn’t want other people to know about it, so that rings true as well.

I suppose you could now make a point that both of the female members of Torchwood have now been seduced by women possessed by aliens, but I don’t think much of it, I am sure that kind of thing happens all the time in those sort of stories (well it does in my mind anyway). I wonder if that is part of the selection process by Torchwood if they are after female staff: you can work for us if you are likely to lez up with the first woman possessed by an alien you meet. Could be.

I must admit that they did seem to have an awful lot of aerial shots of Cardiff in this episode, probably more than they have in quite a few episodes. Perhaps this episode was under running as they had almost a minute long pan over the streets of Cardiff at the end of the episode before the end credits. It looked nice but it did seem that they realised they had a minute left and had to draw it out with something. My girlfriend calls these ‘the Apprentice shots’.

On the whole I thought this was a very good episode with fine performances from both Naoki Mori and Daniela Denby-Ashe (who has the same birthday as me. Not that that means anything, just thought I’d mention it) and some great direction from Colin Teague (get that man on Who soon. I also believe he is directing the Sarah Jane spin-off as well).

So I would have to say that that was another good episode of Torchwood and best of all it beat Lost in the overnight ratings. Well, I’m happy.

Dorkwood

John Kovalic 's Dork Tower is the latest gamer-geek comic to question what they might be missing...

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/

Canada Redux

It's March 2005 all over again...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_6190000/newsid_6193500/6193536.stm

Hmm, the TARDIS chasing a taxi down a motorway - what are the chances of that being the money shot of this Christmas Day's television?  Not to mention being rather reminscent of a certain crash landing twelve months ago.

And I wonder which over-zealous TV exec is gonna be for the high jump for this leak?

More Torchwood?

Have Doctor Who and Torchwood been recommissioned? 

"Mark Thompson said the BBC Wales-produced dramas were a fine example of the "sexy and modern" programmes the regional offices should be making for the network. [...] Mr Thompson believes both series will run and run."

Or is it the kiss of death? [via]

Impure Thoughts

I'd given up on Torchwood. Two week's ago it almost killed PJ Hammond's reputation stone dead (even Holby City didn't manage that!), and I couldn't even bring myself to watch last week's installment after reviews on this blog made it sound like a crime against humanity. Call myself a webmaster?! I'm running a blog dedicated to a TV show I can't even be bothered to watch, and yet I've got re-runs of Crown Court on my Sky Plus Series Link! Hmmmmm, perhaps it's time to move on...

I wasn't going to bother with last night's episode either, but when I found myself at a loose end I decided to give it one last chance. And I loved it. Yeah, that's right, I loved it! Ok, so 'loved' is probably too strong a word but I want to get their attention. Dave Sanders is probably spitting blood right now. But let's face it, he needs therapy.

It could have been a disaster. The plot device revolving around a mind-reading power/curse is as derivative as they come - hmmm... Buffy... - but I thought it was handled magnificently. The sequence where Sato eavesdropped on Cardiff's collective thoughts was both disturbing and hilarious, especially the bloke who was reciting James Bond quips as he marched through town. I do that all the time. And I enjoyed how the pendant only served to reiterate that the Scooby Gang are a bunch of self-serving egomaniacs who have a tenuous grip on concepts such as collegiality and friendship. Yeah, that's right, their unlikability is actually intentional! I'm clutching at straws, here. I wonder if it's too late to do another Jeremy Kyle style review?

Even the would-be murder was handled really well; the ordinariness of the situation felt more like an episode of Cracker instead of the glorified uber-sexy sub-CSI nonsense we've come to expect, and, furthermore, the device even gave gave Owen and Gwen's sordid (and, frankly, disturbing) affair some much needed realism and, dare I say it, pathos. But more than that - it actually gave Sato something to do for a change! The fact that she managed it very well just highlights how she's been utterly wasted up until now.

But the episode's unexpected success is wholly attributable to the screen presence of Daniela Denby-Ashe who played the alien-vamp, Mary. Christ, she was sexy! I'll have to try and talk about her acting capabilities now so everyone doesn't realise I'm just seriously smitten by her...She blew everyone else off-screen with her charm, wit and style; why isn't she a regular character? Hmmm... Sky Plus Series Link...

I can't believe that some people actually believe that Sato was raped by Mary. I mean, get a grip! It's not as if she was hypnotised or anything! It's like saying if you buy someone dinner or flowers in order to get to second base then it's rape! How puritanical can you get? Sean really needs to move on. He's watched 'Girl in the Fireplace' 724 times now. I worry for him, I really do. I wish he would just LET IT GO! God, Colin Baker hates me!

There are also a couple of nice throwaway moments that helped to bolster my opinion of this fairly shambolic organisation, too. Firstly, Torchwood are working for (or with) UNIT, which makes sense, and secondly, they are powerful enough to actually have one-to-one phone conversations with Tony Blair; a concept that is both hilarious and long overdue. But Jack is turning into something quite nasty. It seems that every time he 'dies' he loses some part of his humanity. This could actually turn into something vaguely interesting down the road. When he confronted and trapped Mary during the climax of this episode he came across as a very dark - almost sadistic - variation on the Doctor. And that's no bad thing.

This show still has its fair share of problems ...Kill Ianto... but I honestly believe that it turned a corner last night.

They're gonna kill me for this...

Αυτό δεν είναι μια κατάλληλη αναθεώρηση. Ακριβώς μερικά περίεργα σχόλια.

As the endless shots of the Cardiff ring road passed by at the climax of Greeks Bearing Gifts I decided that I couldn't possibly review the episode this week on the basis that I've probably lost my sense of objective and because I'm not sure the series is going to get any better and that frankly there's nothing more to be said other than if Toby Whitehouse, who turned out the gorgeous and gut-wrenching School Reunion for Doctor Who this year can't work his magic on Torchwood, then it's more than likely that the series cannot be saved.  Plus Sean's managed to eloquently set out any or all of the criticisms I might have.

Then I picked up the Metro this morning and read the four-star verdict of their tv reviewer Keith Watson.  After a plot describing preamble he says: "Much more than just a Dr Who spin-off, Torchwood works because it mixes its sci-fi with human vulnerability and a random approach to plotting that means you're never sure you they're going to bump off next."  Then he suggests that Owen is obviously gay and the Jack should have copped off with him (or words to that effect).

Knowing that actually the business of reviewing television can be a fairly nebulous activity particularly in the popular press, the last thing I want to do is criticize someone getting paid for something I want to do for a living.  But having watched the same programme I wouldn't class the characterization in the show as including human vulnerability - and despite Watson's inference, the interpersonal relationships on show in Dr Who were far more realistic - or at least had a logic to them and rang true. 

On the basis of last night's episode, Gwen seems infested with the illogical behaviour virus that Owen's been a carrier of since the beginning of the series, not that I'm trying to imply anything.  Although she's under the medic's spell (I still haven't discounted the administering of that love potion from episode one) it seems completely wrong that the moral centre she exhibited in the opening episodes would be cast aside when she watches Owen bullying Toshiko and doesn't say anything.

The main element that is sorely lacking from the series is romance - even though the real highlight of last night's episode was Daniela Denby-Ashe's rum performance as Mary, this was yet another sexual predator in a series that has already had about six of them, one of whom is a main character.  How much more interesting if Tosh's romance had been something normal and above all realistic, her partner being someone whom the audience could also be in love with, so that the betrayal would have resonated more with us too. 

With the teaser, the show revealed far too much information up front, making the outcome guessable, surprises non-existent.  If Mary had been a bloke, she would have had a moustache to twirl - obviously evil from the moment she appeared next to Tosh at the bar and so the episode turned into a waiting game for the penny to drop.  Whilst it could be argued that Tosh is obviously happy for the attention (as any of us would I suspect from someone looking like that) given who she and who she works for, and how much the job apparently means to her (as she explains in every actors nightmare - the acting pissed scene) can we really believe that she'd be so easily seduced. 

Once again, it's a wonder what this lot are doing in the jobs that they have.  Once again I wonder if there's going to be some reveal in a later episode that in fact these aren't meant to be the best of the best and that they've been specially selected for their unprofessionalism as a cover for an even less public, more mysterious organization, the real Torchwood, that they're the middle people between UNIT and that.  Which would explain why everyone seems to know who Torchwood is even though no one seems to know what Torchwood is.

I've even got a nagging feeling that there's some giant metatextual joke going on rather like the one being played by that arts documentary series on Channel Four in the late nineties when it was revealed at the end of the final discussion programme that all of the artists were fake (especially the one who picked up and displayed roadkill) and that they were actually criticizing the nature of art criticism.  Or even that everything is going on inside Jack's mind accounting for all the darkness and discrepancies.  I doubt it is any of these things.  I think it's just that it's deeply average.

I can't understand the country mile between a large proportion of the fan reaction to the series and elsewhere.  I could say that some see it for what it is and everyone else is in denial, but again I don't think that's fair, although I have read some fan criticism which amounts to making excuses for something that they've obviously inherently been disappointed by.  It is eerily similar however to the phenomena that Mark Lawson identifies in The Guardian -- the print media were extremely positive about Robin Hood in its opening few episodes in sharp contrast to the internet reaction.

The ratings are holding up despite the timeslots and repeat showings which means someone must be enjoying it for what it is, rather than just tuning in hoping that it'll get better and exhibit the same vim as the opening episode.  But I do wonder if they did turn out a great episode I'd actually notice, or if I'd still be looking for those pesky flaws.  On reflection the closing scene in which Jack consoled Tosh was very nice, Barrowman demonstrating that he's still very good at genial - and I had empathy with Sato for the first time in the episode.  Perhaps I'll try to tune in next week without preconceived ideas and see were that gets me.

And try to ignore the fact that Owen is being a twat again.

Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before

Tedious, juvenile and very, very predictable. But then I guess you already knew that.

Like most here, I’ve pretty much given up on Torchwood. From an exciting, dynamic pilot to one of the most bum-numbing fifty minutes of television in just five short weeks: now that’s groundbreaking drama for you. I really feel for Adam Stone: the lone voice who still manages to get something out of this show which promised so much and yet - like a politician’s promises - delivered so little. Well, good luck to you Adam - it’s us who are losing out, not you after all.

I can just about recount the plot to tonight’s episode, but I’m not sure that author Toby Whithouse could, or would even want to.  'Greeks Bearing Gifts' was so badly plotted it resembled 'School Reunion' but without the nostalgia hit.  Alien nasty inveigles another of Team Torchwood’s seemingly endless supply of naïve, social fuck-ups into their hair-brained scheme to…well, what exactly? Take over the world? Submit human lackeys to their will? Piss down the side of the Millennium Centre for the sheer thrill of it? I neither know nor more importantly care. It’s about as much as I can take to watch these episodes once, let alone twice as I usually do with Who before each review (and, as in the case of ‘The Girl in the Fireplace’, actually notice the final twist that eluded me first time round). Oh God, I actually watched Moffat’s slice of genius for the umpteenth time again today and struggle to believe that some of the same creative talent that produced that also make this sorry excuse for either a sci-fi show or indeed any kind of ‘adult’ drama. I’ve decided the best way to view Torchwood is as a little girl who breaks into her Mum’s wardrobe, daubs herself with more make-up than there are colours in the rainbow and puts on a dress that would have embarrassed even E.T. And still calls herself adult.

From an exciting, dynamic pilot to one of the most bum-numbing fifty minutes of television in just five short weeks: now that’s groundbreaking drama for you

But of course the biggest crime of tonight’s episode is that it takes one of Buffy’s best - and most notorious - stories and turns it into a pale imitation of something which had wit, pathos and resonance far beyond anything that this show could ever produce. Where ‘Earshot’s impact on the zeitgeist of late nineties American life - teenage isolation, despair and the constant spectre of the gun - led to its postponement for fear of stirring up issues that our transatlantic cousins would have found just a little too close to home, ‘Greeks Bearing Gifts’ is little more than a thinly-veiled device for allowing Torchwood’s creators to show how grown-up they are in having two women snog each others’ faces off while throwing in dialogue that would shame even the writers of Footballers Wives. And the biggest irony? A plot device that allows the protagonist to hear peoples’ innermost thoughts in a show which is about as subtle at conveying the way people really talk as a frying pan in the face is to subtle comedy.

Okay, yeah so Tosh finally gets something to do other than spout pseudo-techno bullshit and look like she’s still pining for that pig spaceman she once had in her care. But don’t ever, ever mistake character development which sees someone who is supposedly on the rebound from someone else (who has absolutely no interest in them anyway, remember) as an excuse to turn lesbian and bitch and moan about how no-one likes her. Anyway, didn’t we have all this shit just a few weeks ago with Ianto? It’s a poor sign of a show as rudderless as Torchwood that it’s recycling its own episodes as well as other peoples so soon into its run. And at least ‘Cyberwoman’ had a sort of car-crash appeal that this episode doesn’t even begin to have. The only vaguely - and no doubt, unintentionally - amusing concept is that everyone’s inner thoughts are so clear and discernible that they sound more like someone reading the opening chapter to a Helen Fielding novel than they do to the sort of stream of consciousness noise that we would all recognise as the constant buzz in our own heads. At least Buffy - again - got this bit right. Tosh’s experiences of mind-reading are more like those of Mel Gibson in What Women Want (a comedy, allegedly) and are completely lacking in any subtlety - as is most of this sorry mess of a show - or any subtext. Couldn’t this have all been given some parallel to schizophrenia to at least suggest that the writer knew something about allegory?

Then there’s the disturbing depiction of a lesbian woman as a predatory mind-rapist who uses her telepathic mojo as a means of getting into another woman’s knickers - if this weren’t so inherently offensive it would be funny; but then it is so it isn’t. Mind rape leading to physical rape? Maybe I’m taking this all a bit too seriously, but I’m getting a bit sick and tired of dramas in general - and Torchwood in particular - portraying non-heterosexuals as pseudo-men acting purely on their libidos. Recast Mary’s part with a male in the role tonight and you’d hardly have to change a single line, from the post-coital swagger as she ridicules Tosh’s shame and self-disgust to the manipulative manner which got her there in the first place. Fourteen years on from gays and lesbians picketing Basic Instinct’s less than complimentary take on same-sex relationships, and it seems we haven’t made that much progress after all.

It’s a poor sign of a show as rudderless as Torchwood that it’s recycling its own episodes as well as other peoples so soon into its run

Which leaves me just to round up the by now oh-so familiar faults which pepper this episode like those shotgun pellets did Gwen’s torso last week. The Angel steal in having a pre-credits set in the nineteenth century. Owen and Gwen’s completely implausible ‘affair’ (just what does any supposedly intelligent woman find attractive in a man who blatantly belittles another member of her sex with little or no provocation?). The annoying direction (Colin Teague points his camera as though he’s on a centrifuge at times). How even the scavengers know about Torchwood. The tabloid-style inspiration for the storyline (after all, we all think of nothing but sex all day, don’t we..?). And last - but hardly least - Jack Harkness’ character becoming less and less recognisable as the weeks roll on. He’s even got a freaking direct line to the PM now! At this rate, surely the Doctor will have as much trouble spotting Jack as Jack will the Doctor come Season Three’s climax.

Coming Next: the resurrection glove is back! And so’s Suzie. I bet we all - like Tosh probably did with Owen and Gwen in this week’s episode - saw that one coming…

(The ‘Torchwood’ Book of made-up so-called drama facts has this to say about Greeks Bearing Gifts: the skeleton in this episode has got laid more times this year than Burn Gorman)

Are You Local?

Torchwood: Countrycide

Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for Torchwood. The biggest waste of material since someone decided to construct David Gest's head under laboratory conditions, during a power outage, from four pounds of slack clay, three months worth of pubic hair gathered from the public showers at Minneapolis' municipal swimming pool and a selection of root vegetables.

"It's a little bit like having Fred West move in next door to Postman Pat."

And like Gest's noggin, Torchwood is something that almost entirely resembles something memorable - it's just that you can't quite put your finger on it. Probably because it's being imagined by an utter moron (although it's pretty darn close to Zaphod Beeblebrox's second, fake, head [Gest, not Torchwood]). Surely the main problem is with setting an adult show in a child's universe? It's a little bit like having Fred West move in next door to Postman Pat - sure the two would exchange pleasantries over the garden fence, but you can't actually see them going down to the pub for a pint, can you? But the end result is even more horrific than that. And not in a good way...

"You'll soil yourself and make rat milk spurt down your nose."

I spent a good half hour of this procession of tedium laughing my own head right off as any scintilla of tension and intrigue was pissed right up the side of a roadside cuisine van of death as the witless five attempted to "act" all tough. With guns. And that. Like they were moving through a Professionals theme park dropping Bodie and Doyle moves left, right and centre. Witness Jack, Gwen and Owen moving through the abandoned village and I defy anyone not to crack into uproarious laughter so hard, so violent, you'll soil yourself and make rat milk spurt down your nose. The prancing, with guns, is so over the top it would make the plot of your average CSI episode look like a work of art by comparison. And that's before you get to the gun cartridge porn sequence when Jack's jacking off all over the place. Spilling his man cartridges everywhere. All that scene needed was a top down shot of him sinking to his knees, looking skyward and screaming, "MENDOZA-A-A-A-A-A". Who said that the glorification of gun use on TV doesn't lead to violence? I was feeling fairly angry at that point.

"Trying to poo out full size yachts, steamers and tug boats."

That's if you can, of course, get past the acting without guns. Exhibit 'A' is Gwen on the table having Owen pull tepid lead out of her side. Just what the hell was that all about? Did the director or the script specifically ask for her to imagine that she was trying to poo out full size yachts, steamers and tug boats? Cos that's just how I'd imagine my face would contort if I was trying to pass a celebratory flotilla of sea going craft.

And then the shock ending that, to be fair, did make want to wretch. No, not the fact that the threat was completely non-alien, the fact that Gwen and Owen ended up in bed together. Just imagine if she's pregnant as a result of this union. Imagine the horrific, facially disfigured, children those two grotesques would produce... Perhaps that's where the Weevils really came from. And if that is what happens, then I'll tell you precisely what I'm willing to give for Torchwood... My television, so I don't have to soil my eyes with that terrible prospect.

The Torchwood Bumper Book of Date Rape Techniques has this to say about Countrycide: for that ugly special someone in your life you can't do better than a Torchwood Fuck Bag(TM). Merely select a pleasing face from the accompanying catalogue of stunning men and women, attach to the outside of the bag, place over your partner's head and imagine you're bedding a string of the the world's most beautiful people. In cases of extreme disfigurement, problems might occur if you both have to use one at the same time.