Emotion is a weakness

…as my tinny-voiced Product Enterprises Cyberman would no doubt agree (provided his batteries hadn’t run down). And pretty much underlines why the Cybermen aren’t really a significant threat in this story: giving them feelings has made them just like any other alien race intent on destroying the Earth.

Things do improve this episode; although there’s still much tortuous waffle to wade through first, with the action - such as it is - divided in equal thirds between the TARDIS (where Sarah Sutton appears to have lapsed into a coma judging by her performance), the freighter bridge and the Cyber-headquarters (which appears to be based slap bang in the middle of the hold…begging the question why has no-one found them up to now).

With the Doctor and Adric - surprise, surprise - fingered as the murderers, Briggs at last seems to be bothered about where her missing crew members have got to (although Beryl Reid is still clearly oblivious to the meaning behind any of her lines). The Fifth Doctor’s already in default mode for this incarnation: breathlessly extolling his innocence while no-one takes a blind bit of notice (a mode which reaches something of a catharsis in ‘Caves’ with the line ‘I am telling the truth…I keep telling the truth. Why does no-one believe me?’ To be fair, it’s a wonder he didn’t lose it long before crashing Stotz’s ship onto Androzani Minor).

Meanwhile the Cyber-Leader - keen to ensure the Doctor ‘suffers’ for their past defeats (very emotionless, that) - has his own guard activated in readiness for the next phase of their plan to destroy Earth/disrupt a peace conference/kill The Doctor (take your pick, this is an Eric Saward script after all…). Leading to a scene which surely caused the BBC one or two headaches in the health & safety department, as a waking Cyberman claws a polythene bag off his head as though he’s just come off the production line (you can hear Mary Whitehouse gyrating underground as I speak).

Back in the TARDIS, the whole situation has apparently got too much for Tegan, who suggests a spot of clothes-swapping with Professor Kyle just to ease the boredom. Then she’s off with Lieutenant Scott and some (no doubt doomed) extras to show Ridley Scott how post-Alien, gung-ho females have at last penetrated Doctor Who’s sexist veneer (and as a result, fails miserably). At which point it must be asked just what were those chatty-looking Cybermen discussing while Tegan and co. waited for their chance to strike? The cost of chrome polish? Which one of them’s got the cutest Cyber-arse (of which Grimwade shows plenty of candidates this episode)? Or, perhaps, the merits of their 2005 redesign (in which case, no wonder their gesticulations are so animated). It’s a great (and rare) peek into a Doctor Who monster’s private moments, and something we really should have had more of (personally I always wondered how Davros went to the loo myself…).

Back on the bridge, sneery-old Ringway is at last revealed to be the latest in a long line of Tobias Vaughan-style Cyber-collaborators (after seemingly an eternity of standing around holding a gun on everyone). Which only gives the Doctor an excuse to go off on one about how he and the Cybermen go waaaaay back, with obligatory mentions of gold, Telosian tombs and that pleasant weekend they shared in Cleethorpes one balmy summer. Which leads on to one of the original series’ more impressive special effects, as the Doctor uses some garbled techno-babble (not to mention deft timing) to partially encase a Cyberman in a door (though the result is, inevitably, somewhat less impressive when viewed now).

But if nothing else, the Cybermen are sticklers for the maxim if at first you don’t succeed; as with a strategically-placed Cyber-explosive they are soon marching mincingly onto the bridge for some ‘We meet again, Doctor’ pleasantries. And Ringway ends up the way of all Cyber-partners, in a hale of post-production laser fire and bad acting. ‘You don’t change…’, says the Doctor who clearly hasn’t taken notice of the amount of time the Cyber-race spend watching What Not To Wear (with Trin-EE and Zu-Zana as hosts, no doubt). And as the Cyber-Leader reaches something of a crescendo of smugness (which for him is no small feat) his ‘army’ starts crashing their way out of giant bog rolls to march synchronically towards camera (on which point, Grimwade is much more successful in establishing six extras as fifteen thousand through tight editing, rather than through the mirrored split-screen that ends the episode).

So the army is awake and the Doctor and co are up against it - tune in tomorrow to found out who makes it out alive (and more importantly who doesn’t…)

(‘The Bumper Book of Made-Up Doctor Who Facts’ has this to say about Earthshock 3: due to newly enforced equal opportunity regulations, much of this episode’s second-unit work was directed by midgets; resulting in much of the scenes involving Cybermen being filmed at no higher than crotch level)